Sunset Vs.

by MythrilMoth

Rating: teen
Tags: Equestria Girls, Comedy, Random, Violence, Sex, Sunset Shimmer
Length: 26730

Sunset Shimmer rages over everyday annoyances...and the occasional inexplicably weird thing that should not be.

Sunset Shimmer has a pretty good life. She has good friends, a nice apartment, she's back in the good graces of most of the student body at Canterlot High, and she has a hotline to the Princess of Friendship back in Equestria.

But Sunset Shimmer has always had a temper. And there are so, so many things that annoy her.

Like FedEx. And crabs. But she's already dealt with those things.

Lately, a lot of the human world's little annoyances, oddities, and even things that have somehow popped up that shouldn't even exist are getting under Sunset's skin.

And she's had enough.

It's time to fight back.

(Inspired by, but not a crossover with, Dan Vs..)

Published 2016-08-04 03:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-12-27 18:31:20 UTC

Sunset Vs. Monday

Author's Note

Welcome to Sunset Vs.!

If you're familiar with Dan Vs., this isn't going to be exactly like that. No skyward screams, fewer overcomplicated revenge plots. Probably. Don't be surprised if there's some comedic sociopathy, of course.

Of course, Sunset isn't Dan, so that's to be expected.

Two notes for this chapter:
* There's a cameo character you might recognize. He'll be showing up from time to time.
* The phone number mentioned in this chapter is not, to my knowledge, a real number. If you match it to the keys on your phone, you should be able to puzzle out the gag.

I hope you enjoy this inaugural chapter of Sunset Vs.!

Sunset Vs. Monday

The first day of August was a hot, sticky Monday in Canterlot. Sunset Shimmer awoke a half hour past sunrise with the thin tank top she wore to bed plastered uncomfortably to her body. She took a sniff and let out a groan of disgust, then peeled herself out of the bed, scrubbing her hands through her hair.

Her phone started ringing. Scowling at the bedside table, she picked it up. "The sun's barely up," she muttered. "Who the hell...?"

She glanced at the screen and saw an unfamiliar number: 877-722-6268. Frowning, she hit 'answer' and held it to her ear.

//Hello. We are doing a location search for debt collection purposes for — Megan Williams — press 0 to—//

"UGH!" Sunset hung up and tossed her phone back onto the bedside table, then got up. She felt a profound sense of ick over her entire body. Grimacing, she stripped off her tank top and panties, tossing them into the hamper. She grabbed a towel she'd tossed over the open closet door after her evening jog the night before and used it to wipe gross sweat from under her breasts, grimacing at the slight redness there. Shaking her head, she padded to the bathroom and turned on the shower, holding her hand under the water until it was the right temperature. With a satisfied grunt, she grabbed a washcloth from the towel rack on the wall and stepped into the shower, grabbing her body wash from the hanging rack on the shower head.

She had lathered up almost a third of her body when the lights abruptly died, leaving the bathroom pitch black. Sunset let out a curse and leaned against the forward wall of the shower, gritting her teeth. "Dammit, I just changed the bulbs—"

And then the water was abruptly freezing cold.

Sunset let out a piercing shriek and hurriedly turned off the water, taking several deep, heaving breaths. After a long moment, she turned the tap on, taking care to step back away from it, and held her hand under it.

The water was cold.

The lights flickered back on...and then off again just as suddenly.

Sunset blinked dazedly in the darkness, cold water pooling around her feet.

She took a deep breath.

"Fuck," she muttered. With an aggravated sigh, she turned the shower back on and, as quickly as she possibly could, finished cleaning her body. She blindly fumbled around for the body wash, washcloth, and shower knobs, managing to hit her hands or knees on something hard and metal at least three times in the darkness. When she felt she was sufficiently clean, she turned off the water, pulled the curtain away, and carefully stepped over the edge of the tub and out into the bathroom. She groped around for her towel, banging her knee hard on the toilet in the process, and started drying herself off.

The lights came back on.

Sunset's doorbell started ringing incessantly. "Oh, come on!" Wrapping the damp towel around her body, she opened the bathroom door and padded down the hall, wincing at the thought of leaving wet footprints on her living room carpet. When she reached the front door, she peered through the peephole, only to see nothing.

But the doorbell was still ringing.

She frowned and, hiding her body behind the door, slowly, cautiously opened it a crack. "Yes?"

"Haloooooooosche?" a voice said from outside the apartment.

Sunset's gaze lowered to somewhere around navel height.

A short, potbellied man with curly black hair and a sparse mustache, wearing striped pajamas, stood on her doorstep.

"Do you need raw toast?" he asked, shoving a slightly moldy slice of white bread through the crack in the door.

"Uhh...no thanks," Sunset said.

"I have raw toast," the little man said jovially, waving his bread around.

"I can see that," Sunset said.

"I can't fry the toast," he said, bowing his head dejectedly.

"Uhh...yeah, the power went out," Sunset said. "It's back on now. You can, uhh...you can go fry your toast now."

"Okaysche!" the little man said happily. "If you need raw toast, you dingle my berry!"

Sunset had no response to that.

"I give this!" the little man finished, dropping his moldy bread through the crack in the door before waddling off.

"Wait, I don't—!"

Sunset could hear her phone ringing in her bedroom. With a sigh, she closed the door, picked up the moldy bread by a corner, and carried it to the kitchen to throw it in the trash. Then she headed to her bedroom, arriving just as her phone stopped ringing. With an aggravated groan, she picked it up and checked the screen.

1 missed call: 877-722-6268
1 new message from: Canterlot Power & Gas

She sighed and opened the message from CP&G.

An outage was detected in your area at 6:44am. Customers affected: 475. Crews have been dispatched to restore power. Estimated restoration time: 8:30am.

Her phone buzzed.

1 new message from: Canterlot Power & Gas

Power restored at 7:02am. Cause: Damage to equipment. Reply 'OUT' if your power is still out.

Rolling her eyes, Sunset put her phone down, grabbed a fresh towel from the linen closet, and went back to the bathroom to finish drying herself. Once she was thoroughly dry, she spent several minutes applying deodorant, body powder, and lotion, then grabbed a clean pair of panties, a sport bra, a pair of denim shorts, and a tank top and started getting dressed.

She had just finished putting on her bra when the power went out again. Her bedroom ceiling fan rattled to a slow, grinding stop.

She closed her eyes and let out a slow hiss.

Her phone buzzed. Shaking her head, she flung herself backward onto her bed and grabbed the phone.

An outage was detected in your area at 7:17am. Customers affected: 830. Crews have been dispatched to restore power. Estimated restoration time: 9:30am.

Sunset groaned, let her phone fall to the bed, and closed her eyes, her tank top still bunched up in her other hand. "Greeeeat," she muttered.

Her phone's voicemail alert sounded. Letting out an aggravated groan, she picked it up and input her voicemail password.

//Hello. We are doing a location search for debt collection purposes for — Megan Williams —//

Sunset erased the message, laid her head back on the pillow, and closed her eyes.

"I hate Mondays."

Her doorbell started ringing again.

She screamed.

* * * * *

By 8:30, the power had come back on twice and gone off again. After finally putting on her tank top, Sunset had spent fifteen minutes going around the apartment unplugging things so the constant on-again, off-again of the power wouldn't damage any of her expensive electronics, then she'd made herself a bowl of cereal, taking care not to leave the fridge open too long while getting out the milk.

Which she was almost out of, meaning a trip to the store was in order. She also needed to pay her rent, which meant a trip to the bank.

Once she finished rinsing her bowl out, she sat down and made a small grocery list; she usually kept her kitchen fairly well-stocked enough that she didn't need to get more than a few things at a time—fresh veggies, milk, bread, snacks, and the like—but she was running low on a few staples, too, and the first of the month was a good time to take care of that. As she finished making her list, she went over it with a mild frown, tapping her pen against her cheek.

Normally, on days when she had to run multiple errands in town, she took the bus instead of her bike. Today, she'd need more substantial transportation, which meant bumming a ride. With a sigh, she grabbed her phone, ignoring the two new messages from the robocall number, and scrolled through her contacts.

"Pinkie and her sisters are out of town, so that's out; Flash? ...don't really feel comfortable asking him. Rarity's car's in the shop; hmm...guess that leaves Applejack." She tapped the call button and waited for a long moment. When Applejack finally answered, she said, "Hey, AJ! How busy are you today? Uh-huh. Oh. Yikes. That sounds bad. No, no, it's...it's fine. Nevermind. Sorry to—yeah, I was gonna ask for a ride to run some errands, but if you've got all that going on, I can...yeah. Okay. Nah, it's cool. I'll just ask Flash. I mean, I guess he'll probably be...yeah. Okay. Good luck! Bye." As soon as she hung up, Sunset sagged against her living room table. "Bleah." Sighing, she called Flash. "Hey, Flash? Yeah, listen...can I ask a favor...?"

* * * * *

Flash's car pulled into the parking lot at the bank. "Be right back," Sunset said. She got out and walked into the bank. Curiously, there was a shortage of customers.

"Miss?" a teller called. "I'm sorry, but our entire computer system is down today. We can't help any customers."

Sunset blinked. "Really? But...I needed to get a cashier's check for my rent..."

The teller smiled sympathetically. "I'm sorry, miss. Maybe if you come back later this afternoon? We're trying to get it fixed. We'll have it back up and running tomorrow for sure."

Sunset sighed. "Great," she muttered. "How about the ATM? Is that still working?"

The teller gave her a pained smile. "Yyyyeah, but...there's a fifty dollar withdrawal limit until Wednesday."

"Wonderful," Sunset muttered. She trudged over to the ATM, taking out her card, and took out fifty dollars, which the machine 'helpfully' served in fives. Counting it and stuffing it into her wallet, she headed back out to the car.

Flash looked at her as she got in and buckled up. "You look even madder now than you did when I picked you up," he said.

"Their computers are down," Sunset muttered. "Couldn't get a rent check, couldn't withdraw more than fifty bucks."

Flash frowned. "That...won't be enough, will it?"

Sunset sighed. "It'll cover some of my groceries," she said. "I'll have to cut my list down like, a lot." She frowned. "I'd better call my landlord."

"Want me to drive you to the store that does all the yellow coupons?" Flash asked. "Might help you stretch that fifty."

Sunset smiled gratefully. "Thanks, that'd be great." She scrolled through her contacts. "Sal? It's Sunset. Listen, I just left the bank and their computers are down, so—you too, huh? Yeah. It's cool if I'm a day or two late with my rent, right? Thanks. Oh, and the power's been going out like, all morning. I don't think it's a problem just at our building, every time they send out a text about it, it's hitting way more people. Oh? Your mom's...yikes. Yikes. Well...take her some bags of ice or something, this heat's not good for old people. Yeah. Okay, talk to you when I get the rent." She hung up and sighed.

Flash glanced at her. "You're...kinda not having a very good day, are you?"

Sunset shot him a sideways glare. "You know how much I hate Mondays," she muttered.

"R-right," Flash gulped. "Oh, look! We're here."

It took five minutes for Flash to find a parking space at the supermarket. Once he did, they got out, and Sunset grabbed a basket. Flash tailed along behind her as she made her way through the store, carefully picking out items she was critically low on, while scratching things off her list she could do without for a bit.

She saved her produce and cold stuff for last. While the store's yellow coupons offered two-for-one items, discounts, or buy-this-and-get-this-free specials, a lot of the special items had been picked over, cleaned out, or just didn't appeal to Sunset. Still, she managed to find a few good deals, including a new kind of cereal to try that was on special, and her spirits had partially improved by the time she reached the dairy aisle.

Then she saw the price for a gallon of milk. "What."

An employee who was stocking orange juice a section over turned to her. "Something wrong, miss?"

Sunset pointed a shaking finger at the milk. "Seven dollars for a gallon of milk?!"

"There's a shortage of cows," the employee said.

Sunset stared at him like he'd grown a second head. "A...shortage of cows," she said.

"Yes ma'am. There was like, a big cow fire or something. We're paying twice what we normally pay for the milk, so we have to charge more. Sorry."

Sunset dragged a hand down her face. "A cow fire," she echoed.

"Cow fire," the employee replied with a sheepish look.

Sunset groaned. "Greeeat."

"Umm, Sunset?" Flash hedged. "You could just get some powdered milk. I mean, that'll do until they, umm...get more cows, right?"

Sunset sighed. "Ugggggggh..." Wearily, she pushed the basket away from the dairy section, hiking halfway back across the store to the baking aisle where the powdered milk was kept.

* * * * *

Sunset returned home to a dark apartment with forty-five dollars' worth of groceries, a good twenty of which needed to go into either the refrigerator or the freezer. Flash had chipped in for a bag of ice while she was busy at the register, and helped her bring her groceries upstairs.

"Damn, it's like an oven in here," Flash said.

Sunset groaned as she sat down her shopping bags. "Can you go open the windows while I start putting this stuff up?" she asked.

"Sure," Flash said. He glanced at his phone and frowned. "Umm...hey, Sunset? I can, uhh..." He fidgeted. "Wanna grab some lunch? It's on me."

Sunset blinked. "Really?"

Flash nodded as he unlocked and opened Sunset's stiff kitchen window with a grunt. "It's too hot in here to stay in, especially if you don't know when the power's gonna be back on."

Sunset glanced at her own phone.

Outage update: Customers affected: 2475. Crews are continuing their efforts to restore power. Estimated restoration time: 1:30pm.

"Yeah, let me get this stuff put up, then we'll go," Sunset said.

Once Sunset had finished putting her cold stuff away—which involved dividing up the ice into several gallon Ziploc bags and stuffing half of it into the freezer and half of it into the fridge—she and Flash left.

As she was locking the door, her short, potbellied neighbor dragged a deck chair out onto the landing. He waved a dripping mess of bread and...something unidentifiable at them. "You want my tuna jelly?" he asked.

Flash stared at him. "What...the..."

"I got lots of bacon in the sofa!"

Sunset grumbled under her breath. "We're not hungry, Dooble," she said. Aside to Flash, she whispered, "Let's go. Hurry. Don't look at him, don't talk to him, and watch out, he might actually throw whatever that is at you." Having said thus, she quickly walked past Dooble, Flash right behind her, casting curious, vaguely horrified looks back at the little man.

Just as they reached the bottom of the stairs, Dooble's sandwich hit the grass with a loud *plap*, spraying its questionable contents far and wide.

"I drop this!"

"Run," Sunset muttered, sprinting for Flash's car. Flash followed, unlocking it with his keyfob.

Once they were in the car with the engine running, Flash asked, "What was that?!"

Sunset sighed. "My neighbor," she said. "He moved in about a month after the Fall Formal. He's..." She shuddered. "He's bizarre."

"He threw a sandwich over the railing."

"At seven this morning he gave me a piece of moldy bread."

"Wow. So, umm...where do you wanna go for lunch?"

"Eh, I'll let you pick. Anywhere's fine so long as it's air conditioned."

* * * * *

Fifteen minutes later, Sunset and Flash sat at a table at Big Kahuna Burger. Flash had a big, meaty double bacon cheeseburger in front of him, along with a large order of fries and a large soda. Sunset had a crispy chicken strip salad with pineapple teriyaki dressing, a medium order of fries, and a large chocolate shake.

Both of them were sweating.

"Figures the air conditioner would break down as soon as we ordered our food," Sunset muttered.

Flash sighed. "Well, at least it's cooler in here than it is out there or back at your place."

"True." Sunset bit into one of her fries and made a face. "Ugh," she muttered. "What did they do, drown these in grease?"

"Yeah, they're...not usually this greasy," Flash said, examining his own fries. "They're usually a lot crispier." He took a big bite of his burger. "You know who has the best fries?"

Sunset gave him a questioning look as she speared some crispy chicken and lettuce with her spork.

"Pizza Barn."

"Huh," Sunset said, blinking.

"Yeah, they've got these ranch fries, we always get 'em when we order wings," Flash said. "They're nice and crispy." He shrugged. "But they're three bucks an order."

"Ouch," Sunset said.

"Well, well, well," an obnoxious voice, like nails on chalkboard, said loudly.

Sunset set her spork down and looked up with cold dread.

"Look. Who's. Dating. Again."

Trixie Lulamoon sauntered up to them with a smirk, her phone out and recording.

"The loser and the freak, a match made in a barn," Trixie said.

"Get lost, Trixie," Flash said irritably. "And we're not dating. Sunset's power is out; I'm just taking her out to lunch because her place is like an oven."

"Oh? And how would you know about how hot Sunset's place is?" Trixie asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Because he's been helping me run errands all day," Sunset said, frowning at Trixie. "It's something friends do. And it's none of your business, so go away and bother somebody else."

"Oh, I intend to," Trixie said. She snatched up Sunset's shake and took a long, long sip of it, then dropped it on the table. Sunset barely managed to keep it from tipping over. Laughing, Trixie sauntered away.

Before leaving, she turned and called, "By the way, Sunset? Love the slut look. You should dress like that more often. You know, since your body's the only thing anybody's ever going to want about you." Laughing like a complete bitch, she left the restaurant.

Sunset's face burned red.

Flash stared at her. "Ummm...let me get you another straw," he said.

Sunset sighed and bowed her head, shrinking against the booth.

"Come on," Flash said. "You know Trixie's just a loudmouth who loves to put other people down."

"I know," Sunset said in a half-whimper. "It's just...she's the last thing I needed today."

Sunset and Flash finished their fair-quality fast food meals in a morose silence after that, during which the restaurant got hotter and hotter. By the time they left, it was a quarter to one and the heat outside was sweltering.

"So, back to your place?" Flash asked.

Sunset checked her phone.

1 new message from: Canterlot Power & Gas

Power restored at 12:42pm. Cause: Damage to equipment. Reply 'OUT' if your power is still out.

"Yeah," Sunset said. "Looks like the power's back—"

//Space Unicorn! Soaring through the stars!//

Flash raised an eyebrow. "What the hell?" he asked, chuckling.

Sunset snorted. "Rainbow Dash did that," she muttered, shaking her head. "I left it because it's pretty funny." She examined the screen, groaned, and hit ignore.

"Not answering?"

"It's a robocall," Sunset muttered.

"Ugh, I hate tho—"

*BLAM.*

The car jerked suddenly and veered toward the shoulder. Sunset jumped, yelping. Flash jerked the wheel hard, wresting the car away from the curb, and slowed to a stop. "Oh no, no, NO," Flash moaned.

Once he stopped the car, he turned off the ignition and got out. A minute later, Sunset heard him loudly yell "FUCK!" outside. She got out, almost hitting him with the door, and hiked up into the grass on the shoulder. "What happened?"

"Flat tire," Flash groaned. "Shit..."

"Wonderful," Sunset muttered, dragging her hand down her face. "You do have a spare, right?"

Flash sighed. "Yeah, but the spare's bald. I'm not totally sure it'll hold up for long." He looked around. "We're five minutes from your place, I can get us back there if you help me change the tire."

"Sure."

For fifteen minutes, the two teens worked to change the flat. The already horrible heat was much worse this close to shimmering asphalt and a cooling engine. Once the new tire was on, they collapsed back into the car, breathing heavily and dripping with sweat. Flash turned on the car, cranked the air conditioner full blast, and got back on the road, driving slowly to Sunset's apartment.

Just as they pulled into the lot and Flash turned off the engine, Sunset got another text.

An outage was detected in your area at 1:08pm. Customers affected: 3370. Crews have been dispatched to restore power. Estimated restoration time: 4:30am.

Sunset let out a strained whimper.

"Don't tell me," Flash moaned.

Sunset nodded.

Flash groaned. "You know I'm stuck here until I can get my dad to bring a good tire," he said.

"My plants are probably dead by now," Sunset whimpered. "I don't even wanna think about the food I bought today, what kind of shape that's in."

"I'm sure that ice will hold for a while."

"I guess," Sunset hedged. She fidgeted. "Your dad can't come with a tire right away anyway, right?"

"He's at work, so..."

Sunset nodded, tapping a foot. "I'm gonna go get my swimsuit," she said. "And my helmet. I'll drive us to the pool."

Flash frowned. "You sure about that? I mean...the way things are going today..."

"It's better than broiling here," Sunset muttered, stomping off for the stairs.

Flash sighed. "I guess..."

* * * * *

The pool was crowded. Sunset barely found a place to park her bike.

"There goes the last of my money until the bank's back up," Sunset grumbled as she paid their entry to the pool. "I'm gonna go get changed," she said.

"I don't, uhh...have a swimsuit," Flash said.

"So lounge by the pool," Sunset said. "Ogle some of the girls. You've gotta get over Twilight eventually, right?"

Flash shot her a dirty look. "Not cool, Sunset," he said.

Sunset's face fell. "Sorry," she said gamely. "It's been..." She sighed. "I'm just kinda...not at my best today."

Flash frowned. "Yeah, okay. No worries."

"Be right back," Sunset said. She headed for the change room, waiting in a fairly long line to get in. She saw some familiar faces waiting to get changed—Lyra, Bon Bon, Derpy.

Far too long for her liking later, Sunset had finally gotten changed into her orange and magenta bikini and was ready to get into the pool, when she heard a loud commotion from outside. Frowning, she pushed open the change room door...

"EWW!"

"GROSS!"

"Oh god, Snails, that was NOT OKAY!"

"I'm sorry, eh!"

"Okay, kid, OUT! You're banned from the pool!" The lifeguard blew his whistle. "Sorry, folks, pool is closing NOW! Nobody get in the water!"

"Ewww, who the hell WOULD?"

"So gross!"

"Nasty!"

Sunset walked out to see dozens of disgusted people stampeding toward the exit. She found Flash sitting at a poolside table, a grimace on his face. "What happened?" she asked.

"Snails shit in the pool," Flash grunted, facepalming.

Sunset's eye twitched. "What." Slowly, she glanced around. She caught sight of Snails, being berated by the lifeguard, who was writing something on a ticket book.

She glanced at the pool.

There was a massive green turd floating on the water's surface.

Sunset's eye twitch intensified. Gnashing her teeth, she stalked over to Snails and the lifeguard. "Snails," she growled.

Snails turned. "Oh, hey Sunset WOWZA!" he looked her up and down, a goofy grin on his face. "You look amazing, eh?"

Sunset pointed a trembling hand at the pool. "Is that yours?" she asked.

"Uhh...yeah," Snails said. "It was an accident—"

Sunset grabbed Snails around the waist and, with a roar of rage, threw him into the pool. "CLEAN IT UP!" she snarled. "WITH YOUR BARE HANDS, YOU LITTLE LOSER!"

The lifeguard frowned at her. "Miss, you can't just—"

Sunset growled at him.

The lifeguard took a step back. "Nevermind! Umm, pool's closing."

"I noticed," Sunset ground out. Sighing, she headed back into the changing room and grabbed her stuff.

Her phone was going off. Grimacing, she pulled it out of her bag.

3 missed calls: 877-722-6268
2 new messages from: Canterlot Power & Gas

Outage update: Customers affected: 3950. Crews are continuing their efforts to restore power. Estimated restoration time: 6:30pm.

Sunset sank onto one of the benches and started crying.

* * * * *

Dear Princess Twilight,
I need you to come through the portal right away. There's a terrible crisis threatening our world, but if you and the other Twilight work together, I know you can defeat this terrible evil.

Your friend,
Sunset Shimmer

With a gasp of horror, Twilight shot to her hooves and launched herself into the air. "SPIKE!" she yelled. "Hold down the fort and tell Starlight Glimmer to go alert my friends! I'm going to the human world for a little while!" Without waiting for a reply, she teleported straight to the room where she kept the portal and, swallowing nervously, stepped through it.

When she staggered out on the other side, sweltering heat pressed in on her from all sides. She blinked and shielded her eyes against the burning hot sun overhead.

Sunset Shimmer was standing there, wearing shorts and a tank top and dripping sweat. Her eyes were puffy and red and her hair was completely in shambles. Next to her, Twilight's own human counterpart stood, similarly dressed and looking self-conscious and miserable.

"What's going on?" Princess Twilight asked. "What's the emergency?"

"Yeah, Sunset, what is the emergency?" the human Twilight asked. "You didn't tell me what was going on before you grabbed me and dragged me here on your bike in this heat!"

Sunset looked at the two Twilights with a grave expression. "I need the two of you..."

"Yes?" both Twilights asked.

"...to find a way..."

"Yes?"

Sunset gave them both the most serious stare she could muster. "...to kill Mondays forever."

Both Twilights stared at her.

Princess Twilight facepalmed, shook her head, turned around, and walked back through the portal.

Sunset Vs. Pokemon GO!

Author's Note

I started writing this back during the summer, when the whole Pokemon Go thing started, then got massively blocked on it. Also, I don't have a smartphone and don't really keep up with Pokemon Go, so those of you who actually play it will probably catch a lot of inaccuracies here. :twilightsheepish:

Sunset Vs. Pokemon GO!

It was six thirty in the morning. Earlier than most people like to be up and about, but Sunset Shimmer was always an early riser.

Yawning sleepily, naked and her hair a mess, Sunset grabbed a towel and washcloth from her linen closet and opened her bathroom door, looking forward to a nice, long, hot shower to wake her up and warm her body.

Before she could take a step into the bathroom, her still-waking brain alerted her to the presence of something...very amiss.

Namely, the paunchy, sweaty twentysomething man with a broad face, an oversized nose, a thick layer of stubble on his neck, and numerous festering pimples dotting his face who stood in the middle of her bathroom, eyes glued to his phone.

"Yes, got it!" he grunted. He then started walking right toward her without so much as a word.

"H-hey, what—"

He bumped into her, pushing her out of the way, and kept right on walking. Sunset heard her living room window slide open and shut.

She stood there, eyes wide, heart racing.

After ten seconds, she found the presence of mind to scream.

* * * * *

Sunset didn't make it to school until third period, caught up as she was in making a police report, notifying her landlord of the home invasion, and otherwise dealing with everything that had just happened.

"Good heavens!" Rarity gasped, clutching a hand to her heart, as Sunset relayed the morning's bizarre encounter to her friends at lunch.

"Dude, that's messed up," Rainbow said.

"What did the police say?" Fluttershy asked in a whisper, her eyes wide and frightened.

Sunset let out an aggravated sigh. "They said they can't really do anything about it unless anything was stolen or I got a picture of the guy, but they've been getting a lot of reports of incidents like that over the last few days."

"Oh my goodness," Fluttershy whimpered. "If there are perverts sneaking...sneaking into girls' bathrooms and...and..." She squeaked.

Sunset shook her head. "I don't think that's what it was," she said. With a grimace, she added, "No...I'm sure that isn't what it was. He honestly didn't even seem to notice I was there. Of course, that's what I thought at first, when I was still screaming, but once I calmed down, I realized he was acting like..." She paused, looking around the cafeteria.

The other girls followed her gaze.

At least a dozen students were milling around the room in silent circles, eyes glued to their phones.

"Like that," Sunset said. She took a sip of her water.

"Ugh," Rainbow said with a disgusted grimace. "That stupid Pokemon Go crap?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure he was looking for Pokemon in my bathroom," Sunset muttered.

"Good grief," Applejack said.

"I don't even wanna think about what kind of Pokemon you'd find in the bathroom," Pinkie said as she swirled her milkshake. "Maybe it was a Grimer? Oh! I bet it was an Ekans!"

Sunset glared at her.

Pinkie ducked her head. "I know, not helping." She noisily slurped her shake.

Sunset sighed. "Don't you girls think it's strange, though? People walking around like zombies, not paying attention to where they're going, just...just obsessed with that stupid game?"

"Tell me about it," Rainbow grunted. "Half the soccer team is doing it. Practice has been a complete disaster all week! I tried to get coach to do something about it, but he's playin' it too!"

Derpy walked right into their table, falling smack in the middle and sending Sunset's tray sliding off the end, where it crashed on the floor, splattering her barely-touched crispy chicken strip salad all over the cafeteria floor.

Derpy's phone spun as it slid across the table. Pinkie caught it. She looked at the screen. "Oh look, there's a Nidoran right over there," she said.

Sunset stared at the mess that had been her lunch. She whimpered.

"Oopsie," Derpy said sheepishly, picking herself up. She rummaged around in her backpack. "Muffin?" she prompted, offering Sunset a wrapped banana nut muffin.

Sunset growled at her.

"Careful, Derpy," Pinkie quipped. "She knows Takedown, and it's super effective."

* * * * *

Sunset drummed her fingers on her desk as she listened to Miss Cheerilee drone on. She wasn't really in the mood for English class; her stomach was still grumbling over the loss of her lunch, and when one was geared up for a delicious chicken strip salad with ranch dressing, a muffin just didn't fit the bill.

"So when Rose-Colored Glasses wrote—" Cheerilee was cut off mid-word as a tumultuous buzzing filled the classroom. A dozen students pulled out their phones—as did Cheerilee herself. As one, they all stood up and rushed to the windows.

Everyone else watched them. Whispers filled the room.

"What's going on?"

"Eh, it's that stupid Pokemon Go shit."

"Oh god, even Miss Cheerilee? Seriously?!"

At the windows, the Pokemon Go players were swiping away at their phones, their attention completely focused on whatever was happening in their game.

"YES!" Lyra and three others cried.

"NO!" Bon Bon moaned, shoulders slumping. A few others sagged in defeat and trudged back to their desks, while still others continued furiously swiping.

"AAAAAHH!" Cheerilee screeched. "It got away AGAIN?!" She blinked and looked around the room, taking in the bewildered stares of the students who were still seated. She coughed, then returned to her desk, setting her phone down. "Ahem. Continuing..." She paused, then added, "By the way, everyone who caught that Pikachu just now? See me after class about detention for playing games while I'm trying to teach."

"But...! Miss Cheerilee!" Lyra protested. "YOU were play—"

"Bupbupbupbup!" Cheerilee interrupted, flapping her hand like a sock puppet mouth. "Detention."

Sunset's left eye twitched.

* * * * *

By the end of the day, Sunset was hungry, cranky, and had a headache. Her friends gathered around her at the entrance of the school. "Sunset, darling," Rarity said, "how about we head over to Sugar Cube Corner? You could use a pick-me-up."

Sunset sighed. "No thanks," she said. "I just wanna head home, check up on things, relax..."

A loud shout went up from a group of students gathered around the still-wrecked statue that housed the portal. "YEAH!" Flash Sentry cried, pumping a fist in victory. "In your face, Trixie!"

"Hmph!" Trixie snorted, tossing her hair. "You haven't won yet, Trash Sentry! You'll never take this gym if the Great and Powerful Trixie has anything to say about it!"

"Wanna bet?" Flash asked, raising an eyebrow. He threw his hand up in the air and snapped his fingers.

Out of nowhere, five other guys showed up, all wearing red sunglasses. Flash slipped on a pair of red sunglasses of his own and smirked.

"Oh shit, he's Valor," someone whispered.

"Ugh, they're seriously gonna roll the CHS gym like this?"

"Buncha jerks..."

Sunset tuned out the chatter going on and turned to her friends. "You know," she said, "I think Sugar Cube Corner sounds like a good idea right now after all..."

The six girls left the campus, casting occasional sidelong glances at Flash and his Team Valor crew as they surrounded Trixie...

* * * * *

"So whut th' hell was that all about?" Applejack asked as they reached the intersection.

"Turf war," Rainbow grunted. "Trixie's the Team Mystic bigshot at CHS. She's been talkin' trash about Instinct and Valor all over the place. The guys on the soccer team are kinda sick of it, but most of 'em are Instinct, so they don't wanna get involved." She frowned. "Th' Valor guys, though..." She shook her head. "I can't believe Flash is Captain V."

"Captain V?" Sunset asked, raising an eyebrow.

"The leader of the Valor crew at CHS," Pinkie said. "Up until now, nobody knew who was running Valor's gang at our school, because he just goes by Captain V and doesn't wear the colors, but he just outed himself big time. They say Captain V takes gyms all over town by bringing a whole crew to attack all at once."

Sunset blinked. "Wear the colors? Bringing a crew to...they do know this is all just a video game, right?"

Rainbow snorted. "I think most of these Pokemon Go players checked out of reality like, the day the game came out."

"I'm afraid I don't understand what all this has to do with Trixie or the statue with the portal," Rarity said.

"The statue's a Pokemon Gym," Pinkie supplied. "I heard Trixie's been the leader of that gym for a few days now. She took it from somebody on Team Instinct who got ambitious. I think they took it from Valor at like, three in the morning on Sunday. That's what Twitface said, anyway."

"You follow all this crap?" Sunset wondered.

"Oh, come on," Pinkie said, rolling her eyes. "I follow every single person at CHS on Twitface. Nothing happens at this school I don't know about! Except Flash being Captain V, I didn't see that coming."

"It's a shame that such incredible technology has turned into something this inane and pointless that's just making people mad at each other," Twilight said with a sigh. "I was interested in the augmented reality applications of Pokemon Go, but once I heard how crazy people were going using it, I decided not to get involved."

"Smart thinking," Rainbow said. "It's getting completely out of hand."

They turned the corner that led to Sugar Cube Corner and headed up the sidewalk. As they approached, Sunset said, "I'm still pretty hungry from lunch. I could really go for—"

Without warning, a stampede of people of all ages poured down the street, converging on Sugar Cube Corner, fighting and clawing their way toward the doors.

The girls stopped short, staring in confusion.

"Uhh..." Applejack drawled.

A few minutes later, the swarm scattered like cockroaches. A burst of wind blew a few pieces of litter past the suddenly dead storefront.

The girls looked at one another, then cautiously approached the store. Pinkie swung the door open and stepped in, looking around. "Mrs. Cake?"

The others followed behind her. Mrs. Cake stood behind the counter, her hair frazzled, a forced smile on her face and a twitch to her eye. "Pinkie Pie! Please tell me you and your friends are here to actually order something."

"Of course we are," Pinkie said. "Why wouldn't we be?"

"Whut th' hay was all that just now?" Applejack asked.

Mrs. Cake twitched. "W-well...we thought maybe we'd attract more customers if we dropped a Lure to attract that Pigglystuff—"

"Jigglypuff," Fluttershy corrected.

"Right, that," Mrs. Cake said. "That thing that keeps showing up here. But they just...they just come running for that, then leave." She slumped forward on the counter.

Sunset groaned. "Ugh, Pokemon Go again? What is WITH this stupid craze?"

"I don't know, but it's driving me and Mr. Cake cuckoo," Mrs. Cake said miserably. "So, umm...what can I getcha?"

And then fifty people crowded into the shop all at once.

"Umm...I think we'll take our orders to go," Pinkie said, her hair wilting.

* * * * *

When Sunset returned home, she was annoyed to find her usual parking place was taken. In fact, all the parking places were taken.

Which almost never happened, because her building had fifteen parking spaces and only ten apartments.

But it wasn't just the parking lot. The street was full of parked cars too. And bikes—motorcycles like hers, scooters, and regular old bicycles.

A small crowd was gathered all around the building. They were in the grass. They were in the bushes. They were on the stairs. They were hanging around on the second floor landing, leaning on the balustrade. Three were right outside her apartment.

Circling the block, Sunset eased her bike into the cubby behind her building where the air conditioning units lived, then took out her phone and quietly called the landlord while circling back around to the front. "Sal? It's Sunset. Yeah, there's...like, a lot of cars and bikes parked here that don't belong here, and a whole crowd of people swarming the building. I mean, they're taking up all the parking, they're all up and down the street, they're on the stairs, on the grass, it's a mess here—"

"Hey! Hey, lady!"

Sunset paused, turning to look to her right. A little boy, no more than six or seven, was staring up at her with a gap-toothed smile.

"You can't catch th' Pokemon if you're not usin' your phone right!"

Sunset paused. "Uhh...I'm on the phone, kid. You know, because it's a phone?"

He blinked at her.

"You know, that you call people on to talk to them?"

The kid stared blankly. "Huh?"

Sunset groaned. "Sal, hold up a second, will you?" Muting the phone, she knelt down and smiled at the little boy. "Are you lost?"

He shook his head. "Nuh-uh. Mommy's right over there in the car. I'm gonna get a Ponyta!"

"A Ponyta."

"Yeah! There's lotsa Ponytas here!"

Sunset frowned. "So...you came here, to this building, to play Pokemon Go?"

"Uh-huh!" The boy tilted his head. "Didn't you?"

"No, kid, I live here."

His eyes widened. "Wow! You're so lucky! You musta gots LOTSA Ponytas!"

"Something like that," Sunset said. "Listen, kid, can you go get your mom and tell her to come over here?"

"Sure!" The kid walked away. Sunset unmuted her phone. "Sal? Yeah, I think I know what's going on here. And I know what was up with that guy in my bathroom this morning. No, don't bother calling the police. I'll take care of it." She hung up, squared her shoulders, and marched around front. Shoving her way through several people loitering on the walkway, she struggled to get to the door of the apartment right below hers, and knocked hard.

From inside, a frightened voice said, "G-go away! S-stay away! I don't—"

"Granny, it's me, Sunset," Sunset called loudly. "Your neighbor?"

"O-oh!" Sunset heard the chain on the door rattling, then the door opened a crack. Grandma Gumdrop, a shrunken elderly lady with yellow skin like parchment and white hair tied up in a tight bun, looked out at her with watery eyes magnified by thick, round spectacles. "Y-yes, dear? Sorry, it's a bit hard to...with all this noise..."

"That's why I'm here, Granny," Sunset said. She leaned into the crack in the door, then quietly spoke into the old woman's ear. "I need to borrow Rosco for a minute."

Grandma Gumdrop stared at her with wide eyes. "O-oh dear," she whimpered. She peeked out past Sunset. "Y-you're not going to...a-are you?"

"I just want to scare these people away," Sunset said with a gentle smile. "You want them to go away too, right?"

Grandma Gumdrop's eyes narrowed and her jaw hardened. "Yes, I do," she said. "It's been like this all day long!" She patted Sunset on the arm. "You just wait right here, dearie."

"Thanks, Granny."

Grandma Gumdrop shuffled off into her apartment, leaning on her cane. A minute later, she returned, handing Sunset a twelve gauge shotgun and a handful of shells. Sunset smiled, loaded the gun, and stepped outside.

Nobody seemed to notice her or the gun, absorbed as they were in their Pokemon catching quest. Sunset navigated her way between the people, finding a relatively clear spot, and aimed the shotgun up into the branches of the tallest tree on the property.

The blast rolled across the crowd of Pokemon hunters like thunder. A thick branch broke off the tree, falling and landing on someone's illegally parked car with a loud thump. Several birds took flight, cawing raucously.

The entire crowd lapsed into stunned silence, jerking wildly around and looking up from their phones.

Sunset pumped the shotgun and held it over her head. In a loud, clear voice, she said, "May I have your attention please! If you are here to play Pokemon Go, you are trespassing! If you don't leave NOW, I'm calling the police! Believe me, I don't mind spending a night in jail for chasing you all off this property with a shotgun!"

"WELL!" a middle-aged woman huffed. "Of all the audacity! Young lady, do you have any idea who I—"

Sunset fired the shotgun into the tree again. Another branch broke off, knocking over someone's bicycle.

"Yeah, I know who you are," Sunset said. "You're a trespasser. That's against the law. I live here. Other people live here. You're annoying everyone who lives here. I had one of you stupid assholes break into my apartment this morning when I was about to take a shower. So I really don't wanna hear about your justification for being here when you've got no business being here." She raised her voice and looked at everyone. "I'm only gonna say this one more time. GO. THE FUCK. AWAY!"

"Such language!" the mother of that seven-year-old boy huffed. "Young lady, there are CHILDREN here!"

"And what kind of example are you setting for your children?" Sunset countered. "That it's okay to trespass? That you can break the law whenever it suits you? Huh? Real nice parenting there, lady. GET LOST!" She glared around at the crowd. "Come on! All of you! Take a hike! Beat it! I'm talking to you, flop sweat! You too, nosering! Cops are on the way, come on, get gone! Don't ever come back!"

Slowly, with much muttering and grumbling, the crowd of players broke up, returning to their vehicles. Ten minutes later, just as the last unwanted guest pulled away, a police car pulled into the parking lot. An officer got out and walked up to Sunset, frowning at the shotgun. "Uhh...we received a report of trespassers on the premises...?" He gestured to the gun in Sunset's hand. "Umm...please explain...?"

Sunset smiled winningly. "Just pruning the old oak!" She pointed at the downed branches. "Nobody here has a ladder."

The officer frowned. "Young lady..."

"I can vouch for her, officer!" Grandma Gumdrop said, shuffling out onto the walkway. "Sunny scared away all those hooligans that were running wild all over the place!"

"Hooligans?" The officer asked.

Sunset grimaced. "A whole swarm of Pokemon Go addicts," she said. "They were trespassing here."

The officer consulted his tablet. "This is the second time today we've gotten a call about trespassing here," he said.

"Yeah, I'm the one who called this morning," Sunset said. "One of these Pokemon idiots got into my bathroom somehow."

The officer blinked. Shaking his head, he looked around. "Well...next time, no shotguns, alright? That's a good way for people to get hurt."

"Of course, officer!" Sunset handed the gun back to Grandma Gumdrops and beamed at the cop with a winning smile.

The cop snorted and shook his head. "Between you and me, I'm not a fan of this whole Pokemon Go thing either. Some kid's gonna get themselves killed, watch." Tipping his hat to the two of them, he returned to his car and drove away.

Sunset's shoulders sagged. "I have a headache," she groaned.

"There there, dearie," Grandma Gumdrops said. "I'm sure it's just a phase. It'll pass."

* * * * *

It didn't pass.

Weeks turned into months, and the Pokemon Go craze slowly transformed from frenzied flash mobs to a daily life annoyance.

The last great flash mob before things leveled off took over Canterlot Park for seventeen hours. Roads for half the town were completely blocked off.

Not long after that, the Sirens returned to Canterlot High School with a new plan to rule: by taking over the Pokemon Go teams. Within the space of two weeks, Aria Blaze had wrested control of Team Valor from Flash, Adagio Dazzle had seduced her way into the lead of Team Mystic, and Sonata Dusk somehow took over Team Instinct. Fortunately for the Rainbooms and the general population of CHS, the Sirens were fighting amongst themselves and using their newfound followers to escalate their own bizarre sibling rivalry. Crystal Prep itself had been designated a Pokemon Gym, and it became a weekly event for teams of students from either school to travel to the other school and crash their gym. No fewer than seven students had been suspended from school for invading Principal Celestia's shower, which, for some reason, was also a Pokemon Gym.

Worse than that, Pokemon Go had succeeded in completely dividing the student body of Canterlot High into cliques once again, fomenting bitterness and hatred among the students. All the good that had come from Princess Twilight's first visit to their school and everything the Rainbooms had done at the Battle of the Bands had come completely unraveled.

As the Pokemon Go craze entered its third month, Sunset and her friends sat alone at their corner table in the cafeteria, watching with dismay as the other students sat at groups of tables which had been pushed together and repainted in their team colors. "There's gotta be a way to fix all this," Sunset said, burying her face in her hands. "I never wanted to see CHS like this ever again."

"Unfortunately, I don't think the company that created this destructive game really cares about its social impacts," Rarity said, examining her nails.

"Yeah, you still see on the news about traffic acccidents and people getting arrested for playing it in restricted places," Fluttershy said.

"You'd think a fad like this would've died down by now," Twilight muttered unhappily.

Sunset sighed. "I just wish there was some way to put a stop to all this."

"Well, the app itself has gotten pretty glitchy lately," Pinkie said. "A bunch of people quit playing out of frustration." She paused. "They still kinda stick to their teams, though."

"It's a shame it doesn't have that one killer glitch the original games had," Twilight mused idly. "The one that screws up your data."

"I heard about that glitch," Pinkie said. "It was kinda hard to get it to show up. Most people pretty much saw it as a victory if they got it."

"What glitch?" Sunset asked, tilting her head curiously.

"Well, it was back before any of us were even born, of course," Twilight said, adjusting her glasses, "but the original Pokemon games had this glitch Pokemon that was basically a register error where the game accessed an empty data register it wasn't supposed to. Catching it would totally mess up your save data."

"Hmm," Sunset said, stroking her chin thoughtfully. An evil grin spread across her face. "Say, Twilight..."

Twilight's eyes widened, her face paled, and sweat beaded on her brow...

* * * * *

DEVELOPER FACES FINANCIAL DISASTER AS MISSINGNO VIRUS WREAKS HAVOC

Player traffic for popular mobile app Pokemon Go has dwindled to virtually nothing as the virus known as MissingNo continues to spread throughout the installed userbase.

MissingNo first appeared in the Crystal City region roughly a week ago and rapidly spread across the region. Before the developer could investigate and contain the phenomenon, the virus spread to an expanded userbase; within three days, reports of MissingNo infection were too widespread to contain.

The virus corrupts player data in the cloud and on the game servers, spreading through interactions such as PokeStops and Pokemon Gyms. Infected players will experience discrepancies with item quantities, corrupted CP for captured Pokemon, and data errors when encountering wild Pokemon. It is recommended that infected players remove the app and all application data from their phones and discontinue using the app.

Even as the programmers struggle to devise a countermeasure for this prolific and adaptive virus, the company faces strong criticism and financial fallout. An executive who asked not to be named stated in an interview that if MissingNo continues unchecked, the company may be left with no choice but to pull the plug on all its servers, bringing an end to the wildest social media craze the world has seen since MyStable.

The students of Canterlot High chatted merrily in the cafeteria at lunch. The tables, back to their uniform cafeteria white, were spread out in their proper orientation, and kids from different social groups intermingled, talking and laughing and working on homework together as they ate.

"It's nice to have things back to normal again," Sunset said as she poured ranch dressing over her crispy chicken strip salad.

"Yeah, an' them Sirens done cut an' run," Applejack remarked.

Twilight toyed with her spork. "You know if we're ever caught..."

"Relax," Sunset said dismissively. "By now, there's no way to track the source of it, even if we'd used anything traceable." She unwrapped her spork...

"WAAAH!" Derpy tripped on her way past the table and fell right into Sunset's lunch, sending it flying across the room to crash and splatter all over the floor.

Sunset stared at it. She whimpered.

"Umm...muffin?" Derpy offered sheepishly.

Sunset glared at her.

Applejack rolled her eyes and slid a fresh crispy chicken strip salad down the table to Sunset. "Ah gotcha, sugarcube," she said.

Sunset beamed gratefully at her and dug in as Derpy peeled herself off the table and walked away, nibbling on her emergency muffin.

Sunset Vs. Sexual Harassment (Part 1)

ShimmyToTheLeft has joined the chat.
ShimmyToTheLeft: Hey guys!
GreenDudeYo: What up mama?
IAmTheHer: Welcome, the Shimmy! We were wondering where you the were.
ShimmyToTheLeft: Sorry, had a thing with friends. What's going on?
IAmTheHer: CircusBoy had another freaking of the out.
GreenDudeYo: Yeah, you missed it, he totally went coo-coo bananas yo!
ShimmyToTheLeft: Ugh, again? -_-
LeaveMeAlone: I've never seen anyone so neurotic. It's hilarious.
BananaHammock4U has joined the chat.
IAmTheHer: Speaking of the neurotic... -_-
BananaHammock4U: hey babe, u miss me? ;)
IAmTheHer: Yes, much as I miss the projectile vomit.
BananaHammock4U: lol gurl
GreenDudeYo: Who's this guy?
IAmTheHer: He is the nobody.
BananaHammock4U: ouch
BananaHammock4U: u hurt my feelings gurl
BananaHammock4U: hey shimmy
BananaHammock4U: u got a sexy name
BananaHammock4U: u a girl
ShimmyToTheLeft: Uhh...yeah?
BananaHammock4U: cool
BananaHammock4U: u hot?
BananaHammock4U: girls always want me 2 send them nudes
BananaHammock4U: they send me pics
BananaHammock4U: hot pics
BananaHammock4U: u know what i mean?
BananaHammock4U: send me pics if ur hot
BananaHammock4U: & ill send u pics of my dick
Blocked BananaHammock4U.
GreenDudeYo: Wow, shit died up in here
GreenDudeYo: You guys alive?
IAmTheHer: Is that guy PMing you asking for pics?
ShimmyToTheLeft: Yeah -_-
ShimmyToTheLeft: Just blocked him.
ShimmyToTheLeft: What a creep.
IAmTheHer: I know, right? -_-#
BananaHammock4U has left the chat.
ShimmyToTheLeft: Sorry, Dude. That guy kinda killed chat with his creepiness.
GreenDudeYo: What was he doin' mama?
IAmTheHer: You do not want to the know.
IAmTheHim has joined the chat.
IAmTheHer: ...
GreenDudeYo: ...
LeaveMeAlone: ...
ShimmyToTheLeft: ...
IAmTheHim: hey i just wanna talk
IAmTheHim: and be friends
IAmTheHim: and find a girl
IAmTheHim: never had a girlfriend
IAmTheHim: i'm all alone :(
IAmTheHer: One wonders the why.
GreenDudeYo: Yeah I think I get what's up.
LeaveMeAlone: Hey. Creep. Fuck off.
ShimmyToTheLeft: Get lost. We don't need creeps like you in here.
IAmTheHim: fuck you
IAmTheHim: bitch
IAmTheHim: ur fat
IAmTheHim: bet ur liek 800 pounds
IAmTheHim: fat bitch
IAmTheHim has been banned (Booyah!).
Booyah!: Oh shit my bad.
Booyah!: Was AFK
ShimmyToTheLeft: No worries.
ShimmyToTheLeft: Gotta go. BFF wants to hang.
GreenDudeYo: Later mama!
IAmTheHer: Have the fun!
ShimmyToTheLeft has left the chat.

Three days later...

Sunset Shimmer watched with concern and alarm as a bizarre scene unfolded by the snack machine at CHS.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie was here first, Fluttershy, and the last choco-caramel crackle crunch bar is rightfully—"

Fluttershy seized Trixie by the front of her hoodie and shook her, angry blue-green eyes burning. "The Having A Very Bad Day FLUTTERSHY NEEDS that chocolate a LOT more than you do right now," she snarled dangerously.

Trixie's irises shrank to pinpricks within wide, terrified eyes. "O-okay," she said shakily. Nerveless fingers offered up a wrapped candy bar, which Fluttershy seized in a furious swipe reminiscent of an eagle snatching up a fish from a river.

"Thank you very much," Fluttershy hissed before depositing a few coins in Trixie's hand and stomping away. Trixie trembled violently as she numbly put the coins in the machine and bought a pack of animal crackers.

Sunset stared at the retreating Fluttershy. "What...?!"

Rainbow Dash walked up, bouncing a soccer ball on her knee. "Hey Sunset!" she greeted. "'Sup?"

Sunset shook her head and looked at Rainbow. "Uhh...hey Rainbow Dash," she said. "Have...have you noticed something off about Fluttershy today?"

Rainbow shrugged. "Haven't really seen her," she said. "She blew off chem lab, said she needed to go to the nurse's office." She frowned. "Maybe she's on her period? I mean, sometimes she can get a little..." She gestured vaguely with her hands.

Sunset shook her head. "No, this wasn't..." She frowned. "I mean, yeah, she can get a little snippy, but she just shook Trixie down for a candy bar like...well...me!"

Rainbow blinked. "Whoa, seriously?" She stopped bouncing her ball and put a hand to her chin. "Hmm." She shook her head. "As far as I know, there's only one thing that can get Fluttershy that mad, but...it couldn't be..."

"We'll ask her at lunch," Sunset said as the bell rang.

* * * * *

When lunchtime arrived, Sunset and her friends found a very sullen, moody Fluttershy picking angrily at her tray. Rather than her usual healthy selections, it was loaded with the junkiest of junk food the cafeteria provided.

"Fluttershy?" Sunset opened softly. "Is something wrong?"

"Yeah, sugarcube, you've kinda been buggin' out all over th' place all day," Applejack said.

Fluttershy looked up, then around the table at her friends. "It's..." She sighed. "I guess I have been a little...peeved since last night," she admitted.

Sunset raised an eyebrow. "What you did to Trixie this morning was way more than peeved," she said.

Fluttershy winced. "Oh my. I...I should apologize to her," she said. She shook her head. "I'm not myself at all today, am I?"

"Nope!" Pinkie supplied cheerfully. Then, with a gentle, reassuring smile, she added, "Wanna talk about it?"

Fluttershy pushed a chili-covered tater tot around her plate with a fork. "It's...well..." She let out a sigh that Sunset swore deflated her breasts by a full cup size. "My dipshit brother got kicked out of another boarding school," Fluttershy said at last.

Rainbow's eyes contracted to pinpricks, a look of sheer alarm and revulsion on her face. "Oh crap," she said in a soft, scared tone.

"Brother?" Sunset asked. "I didn't know you even had a brother."

"I didn't either, darling," Rarity said, frowning. "You've never mentioned him."

Fluttershy's eyes narrowed. "Gee, I wonder why," she said testily.

"Oh! Oh! Is it because he's obnoxious, self-centered, egotistical, rude, annoying, lazy, and a total douchebag?" Pinkie suggested with a wide grin.

Fluttershy glared at her. "Yes," she said. "Yes he is."

Sunset blinked. "Wow. Your older brother sounds like a jerk."

"Younger brother," Fluttershy corrected. "A year and a half younger."

"Oh." Sunset frowned. "So why was he going to boarding school instead of CHS?"

"Because nobody can stand him," Rainbow said with a shudder.

"Every week, all through junior high, Mom and Dad were in the guidance counselor's office having meetings about Zephyr Breeze," Fluttershy said. "Doesn't apply himself. Skips classes. Sleeps in class. Whines and complains. Tries to con other people into doing his schoolwork. Behaves inappropriately toward his female classmates." She pushed her tray away and laid her head on her arms. "It just went on and on and on and ON until finally I convinced Mom and Dad to send him to boarding school."

"Ouch."

"Oh, but it didn't end there!" Fluttershy ranted. "He's been kicked out of five different boarding schools in the last three years!" She stood up suddenly and started gesticulating wildly as her voice rose in volume. "They send him to an all-boys' school and he goes out of his way to fail every single class until they get sick of him and send him home. They send him to a co-ed school and he gets kicked out because of sexual harassment complaints! They even sent him to a religious school! You know what happened THAT time? He ran away because they tried to beat the demons out of him! Don't even ask me how he managed to get home! It was clear on the other side of the country!" She was practically screaming now. "And now he's been kicked out again, and Mom and Dad have run out of schools to send him to that they can actually afford, and they don't have a choice but to send him to school HERE, with US, and I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH HIS BULLSHIT!"

Her chest heaved violently. The entire cafeteria had fallen silent, and everyone was staring at Fluttershy, jaws dropped.

"Wow," Sunset said finally. "Been holding that in much?"

Fluttershy blinked, looked around the cafeteria, and paled. She quickly sat down, shrinking into herself, and let her hair fall into her face. She cleared her throat delicately. "Yes," she whispered.

"Have they thought about sending him to military school?" Sunset asked curiously.

Fluttershy shook her head. "They're too soft to do that," she said. "And even if they did, he'd find a way to get dishonorably discharged. Or court-martialed." Her brow furrowed. "Or shot."

"Uhh...Ah don't think they actually do that at military school," Applejack pointed out.

"They would if it was Zeph," Rainbow said.

A pall fell over the table. A few minutes later, Principal Celestia wandered over to them. "Girls," she said softly but sternly, "I just heard there was a disturbance in here from this general vicinity?"

Fluttershy ducked her head. "I'm sorry, Principal Celestia," she said. "I was yelling."

Celestia blinked. "You? You were yelling?"

Fluttershy nodded miserably. "What time is detention? I don't want to be late."

Celestia stared at her dumbfoundedly. "Umm...no detention. I just...I was concerned, actually. I thought..." She shook her head. "Nevermind. Is...is something wrong?"

"She's upset that her brother is coming to school here," Sunset said.

"Ah, right, I spoke to your parents earlier today," Celestia nodded. "I'm looking forward to having a student who can introduce so many ideas gleaned from an extended tour of the country's boarding schools—"

Fluttershy snorted. "That's the line they fed you?" she asked sourly.

Celestia paused, frowning. "I beg your pardon?"

"You might want to start passing out pepper spray to all the girls here," Fluttershy said. "Just send my parents the bill."

Celestia gaped at her, face wavering between confusion and mild alarm. "Umm...I get the feeling you don't like your brother very much..."

"Well, do you like a persistent yeast infection?" Fluttershy retorted.

Celestia blinked. "I'm...just gonna go back to my office now," she said. She walked away, shooting Fluttershy worried glances over her shoulder.

The other girls, minus Rainbow Dash, all stared at Fluttershy in shock, awe, and fear. "Did...did I just step into an alternate dimension where Fluttershy is as much of a bitch as I used to be?" Sunset asked.

"Nope," Rainbow said tonelessly as she eyed Fluttershy with a bored expression. "This is totally normal Fluttershy behavior whenever Zeph comes home."

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Pinkie Pie whimpered.

* * * * *

The next afternoon, the girls met up at Sugar Cube Corner after school. Fluttershy's attitude had not significantly improved, and the new, "improved" Fluttershy was sending ripples of alarm and unrest through the school.

Her change in wardrobe hadn't helped. Instead of her usual green and white attire that spoke of spring and freshness and gardens and sweetness, she'd shown up at school wearing black jeans, heavy black boots, a black crop top, and a black bat hair ornament, along with much heavier eyeshadow than normal. More than a few people liked her new look, but with her surly attitude, she was decidedly unapproachable.

"Maybe we could have a sleepover at my place tonight?" Pinkie suggested as they sat with their drinks and treats. "I mean, I kinda get the feeling being away from home would be really good for you right now."

Fluttershy sighed. "I don't really want to drag you girls down into my pit of despair," she said.

"Is he really all that bad, though?" Twilight asked. "I mean—"

"Ladies, please! It ain't no cheese! Who wants some Breeze between the knees?"

Every head in the place turned to the doors, which had just been thrown open by a lanky teen. He had pale aqua skin and light blonde hair which was gathered up in a loose, messy topknot-bun from which an almost waist-long ponytail spilled. A dark shadow of stubble covered his long, narrow jaw. He wore checkered pants, alligator shoes, a yellow T-shirt with a feather-and-wind emblem in the center, and a quilted red sleeveless vest which matched the jaunty red fedora, two sizes too small, which sat atop his head, tilted at an angle; a peacock feather was tucked into the lemon yellow hatband.

Sunset's jaw dropped. "Oh. My. God."

Rainbow groaned and dragged one hand slowly down her face. "Wow, he's even worse than I remembered," she said.

"Whut'n th' hell is that?" Applejack asked flatly.

Fluttershy looked around the table. "Girls, meet Zephyr Breeze."

Rarity stared. "That...THAT is your brother?"

"Yep."

"Gaaaaaaah."

Twilight took her glasses off and cleaned them, then put them back on and stared. "Oh my gosh, it didn't go away," she said numbly.

"Wow, he dresses like a total idiot," Pinkie Pie said.

"He is a total idiot," Rainbow said, eyes half-lidded.

"He-HEY, big sis!" Zephyr Breeze called as he ambled over to their table. His gaze swept over the girls. "Whoa, who are all your totally hot friends? Besides Rainbows, I mean. Her and me go way back, ain't that right Rainbows?"

"Go suck a tailpipe," Rainbow muttered.

"Aww, you don't gotta play coy, Rainbows," Zephyr said. "I know you love me. But there's enough Breeze to go around, girls!" He offered the rest of the girls a big, cheesy grin. His eyes landed on Sunset, and he affected a staggering step back, putting a hand to his heart. "Yow!" he yelped. "What. A. BABE! You never told me you were friends with a bikini model, Flutterbutter!"

"You know, from anyone else, that'd almost be a compliment," Sunset said dryly.

"Oh, and hey! Check out this chick," Zephyr said, turning his attention to Twilight. "Diggin' the smokin' hot nerd girl look. Sexay!"

Twilight recoiled, her eyes wide and her cheeks red. "Umm..."

Fluttershy held a hand up in front of Zephyr's face. "Stop right there," she said. "I won't have you bothering my friends with your lame come-ons and jackass horndog bullshit."

Zephyr Breeze brushed Fluttershy's hand aside. "Hey now, don't taze me, no-bra!" he said teasingly. "This Breeze blows wherever...and whoever...he pleases."

"Alright, that's it," Applejack said, standing up. She wrapped an arm around Zephyr's neck and bodily dragged him out of Sugar Cube Corner. She wrested open the door, pushed him through it, then booted him in the ass. "AND STAY OUT!"

Everybody inside cheered. Applejack simply raised one fist in a victory salute as she walked back to the table.

Sunset raised an eyebrow. "Well that was...direct."

"That was also a mistake," Fluttershy said. "I know you meant well, Applejack, but you just made it worse."

Applejack blinked dazedly. "How's that now?"

Rainbow groaned and rolled her eyes. "I used to kick him in the nuts at least once a week," she said. "Every time I did, he got even more annoying."

Applejack's eyes contracted to pinpricks. "Oh horseapples."

"Do I really look like a bikini model?" Sunset asked.

"Kinda, yeah," Rainbow said.

"You do have the body for it, darling," Rarity said.

"Honestly? You look more like one of those slutty dancers from those old hair metal videos," Pinkie said.

Sunset stared at her. "Slutty...?"

"She's not wrong," Twilight said, blushing. "I mean, I can see you dressed in skimpy leather and sashaying through showers of sparks..."

Everyone stared at her. Twilight ducked her head. "Umm...nevermind..."

* * * * *

ShimmyToTheLeft has joined the chat.
IAmTheHer: Good afternoon, the Shimmy! You are here earlier than the usual.
ShimmyToTheLeft: Yeah...had a weird day. -_-
GreenDudeYo: Yo, what happened mama?
ShimmyToTheLeft: Remember that dipshit from the other day? Ran into somebody even worse IRL. ~.~
GreenDudeYo: Whoa, seriously?
LeaveMeAlone: Ugh.
IAmTheHer: Did he...the fondle you?
ShimmyToTheLeft: Only with his eyes. If he tried touching me I'd rip his fucking head off.
GreenDudeYo: Yikes.
IAmTheHer: Hopefully it is someone you will never the see again.
ShimmyToTheLeft: I wish. One of my BFFs, he's her younger brother. He got kicked out of boarding school & now he's going to school with us.
GreenDudeYo: Oh snap.
LeaveMeAlone: That sucks.
Booyah!: So how bad is this dude? What did he do?
ShimmyToTheLeft: It wasn't so much what he did as just, well...he's slimy. Like, he's made of sexual harassment. If he was less of a douchebag I might've been flattered by what he said.
IAmTheHer: Which was...?
ShimmyToTheLeft: ...
GreenDudeYo: Oh come on, mama! You can't just leave us hangin'!
LeaveMeAlone: Even I'm curious now.
ShimmyToTheLeft: He called me a bikini model.
LeaveMeAlone: ...
GreenDudeYo: ...WHOO!
IAmTheHer: That does not seem so the bad.
Booyah!: Okay THAT makes me curious.
ShimmyToTheLeft: Not sharing pics for you to perv on. :P
GreenDudeYo: Awww! Come on, mama!
LeaveMeAlone: Boys are idiots. -_-
ShimmyToTheLeft: Hmm...
ShimmyToTheLeft: ... :3
GreenDudeYo: ?
ShimmyToTheLeft: 33C-24-33 :P
GreenDudeYo: O.O
Booyah!: ...UNF!
LeaveMeAlone: Whoa.
IAmTheHer: The whoa.
LeaveMeAlone: Can't believe you just told us, just like that.
CircusBoy has joined the chat.
CircusBoy: Goooooood afternoon everyone!
GreenDudeYo: Dude, you missed it!
CircusBoy: Missed what?
GreenDudeYo: Shimmy just told us her measurements! H_H
ShimmyToTheLeft: Nobody tell CircusBoy. :P
ShimmyToTheLeft: What he gets for not being here.
CircusBoy: ...
LeaveMeAlone: Heh.
IAmTheHer: It is going to be the lonely night for our male friends.
ShimmyToTheLeft: :3
ShimmyToTheLeft: Telling you pervs my measurements was worth it for the stress relief.
ShimmyToTheLeft: Now that I gotta go to school with that total douchebag.
CircusBoy: Wait what douchebag?
IAmTheHer: One of Shimmy's friends has a brother who is the bag of the douche.
GreenDudeYo: And she's got mad tits so he's pervin' on her hard yo.
ShimmyToTheLeft: ...
ShimmyToTheLeft: Starting to regret that now -.-
GreenDudeYo: Sorry, my bad.
GreenDudeYo: It's just, there are like zero hot chicks where I am.
LeaveMeAlone: Way to be judgmental there, Dude.
IAmTheHer: Yes. A woman's worth is not in her body, the Dude.
GreenDudeYo: No, I mean there are ZERO chicks here period.
GreenDudeYo: I uhh...I never mention this
GreenDudeYo: I'm kind of in the service
GreenDudeYo: Only dudes in this company :(
CircusBoy: ...whoa seriously?
ShimmyToTheLeft: You're in the Army?
GreenDudeYo: Marines, yo! Doin' it for college $$.
IAmTheHer: Oh, I see! That is why you are the GREEN Dude.
GreenDudeYo: Speakin' of which, gotta go. KP. Later!
GreenDudeYo has left the chat.
Booyah!: Anybody else got any big secrets they wanna share?
IAmTheHer: I am the gay.
CircusBoy: Seriously!? ;_;
IAmTheHer: J/K ;)
LeaveMeAlone: Haha she trolled you.
ShimmyToTheLeft: You guys are almost as crazy as my IRL friends. :D

* * * * *

Later that evening, Sunset was taking a long, soothing bubble bath and listening to her favorite soft music station on the bathroom radio when her phone rang. Drying her hand off with a towel, she picked it up and glanced at the screen. "Fluttershy," she mused. "Must be calling to vent about her dickwad brother." She tapped the screen to answer. "Hey Fluttershy, what's up?"

The voice that answered was not Fluttershy.

"Hey sweet thang! What's shakin' bacon? Other than yo' fine body."

Sunset scowled. "What the...why are you..." She narrowed her eyes. "Did you steal your sister's phone?"

"Well how else was I gonna get all her hot friends' numbers?" Zephyr Breeze answered. "It's not like she's gonna just give 'em to me if I ask, right?"

"Gee, I wonder why," Sunset said. "I'm hanging up now. Give Fluttershy back her phone. I'm going to punch you in the face next time I see you." She disconnected the call and dropped her phone back in the little basket next to the tub, letting out a disgusted groan.

A few seconds later, a new text message chime sounded. Hesitantly, she picked up her phone again and opened it.

There was a picture.

It was something she never, ever wanted to see.

"AAAAAARGH!"

* * * * *

The next morning, Fluttershy stood before a group of irate friends, wringing her hands. "Girls, I am so, so sorry," she said. "He...he got my phone while I was taking a shower. I didn't notice until I was brushing out Angel Bunny before bed!"

"That pervert texted us all a picture of his...his business!" Rarity complained.

"Yeah, I coulda gone my whole life without ever seein' that," Rainbow said.

"Well, I told him if he ever touches anything in my room ever again I'm cutting it off," Fluttershy said.

Rarity wordlessly pulled a pair of fabric shears from her handbag and offered them to Fluttershy.

"I think kindergarten safety scissors will do the job," Sunset said.

"Oooh, BURN!" Pinkie giggled. Sobering up, she said, "Yeah, Zephyr's a creep, but what can we do? I mean, he's still Fluttershy's brother."

The girls looked around at each other, then sighed.

"Yeah..." Sunset said. "I guess the best thing we can do is try to make him stop being a complete douchebag."

"Good luck with that," Fluttershy muttered. "He even stares at my boobs when he thinks he can get away with it."

Applejack's face twisted into a nauseated scowl. "Now that jes' ain't right."

Pinkie shrugged. "Eh, doesn't surprise me. I mean, Fluttershy's got really nice boobs."

"But she's his sister!" Twilight protested. "If Shining Armor was staring at my..." She ducked her head and turned slightly green. "Eww, I didn't need to think about that."

"So where is El Douchebaggo?" Sunset asked.

"Being shown around the school by Scootaloo," Fluttershy said.

The girls looked at each other.

"Well, that shouldn't be a problem," Rainbow said.

"Yes, she should probably be safe," Rarity agreed.

Twilight blinked. "Wait, Scootaloo's a girl? I thought Scootaloo was a boy!"

"Ouch," Pinkie said, wincing.

* * * * *

Scootaloo had had better mornings at CHS. In fact, given the present situation, she'd prefer being duct-taped to a urinal in the boys' restroom again.

Instead, she'd been given the "special privilege" of escorting a walking, talking urinal around the school.

"Well, here we are," Scootaloo said with the tone of someone who had been on Death Row so long the electric chair was the most beautiful thing they'd ever seen, "first period history."

"Ugh, history first thing in the morning? Man, this sucks," Zephyr Breeze complained. As they entered the classroom, he looked around and let out an irritating whining noise. "Man, where's all the hot chicks?"

Silver Spoon, who sat nearest the door, looked up at him in irritation. "Excuse you," she said.

"As much as I hate to agree with Silver Spoon about anything," Scootaloo muttered, "she's right. You're super annoying."

"Hey, no need for drama, bro!" Zephyr said, holding up his hands placatingly. "Look, these chicks here? All yours, man. I'm after bigger game, ya dig?" He made a 'cupping breasts' gesture with his hands for emphasis.

Silver Spoon rolled her eyes and snorted. "Pig," she muttered. Then she paused, blinked, and let out a snotty giggle. "He thinks you're a boy!"

Scootaloo groaned and facepalmed. "First of all, I'm a girl," she said.

Zephyr looked her up and down, then laughed the fake laugh of someone pretending to be polite. "Yeah, you almost got me there, brah. Nice one."

"EXCUSE ME, young man," the teacher, Ms. Harshwhinny, said sternly as she stomped up to Zephyr Breeze, her roll sheet in hand. "I don't know who you think you are or where you think you are, but this is my history class, and..." She frowned. "Who exactly are you, anyway?"

Zephyr rolled his eyes. "Man, don't nobody know nothin' around this place? I'm Zephyr Breeze, ya dig? Zephyr. Breeeeeeeeeze."

"He's a new transfer student," Scootaloo said.

Ms. Harshwhinny frowned. "Ah, yes. Principal Celestia told me to expect you." Her nostrils flared. "Just so you know, I do not tolerate any foolishness in this classroom. If you step one toe out of line, it's detention. Are we clear?"

"Yeah yeah," Zephyr grumbled sourly.

"I didn't quite catch that," Ms. Harshwhinny bit off impatiently.

"Yes ma'am," Zephyr said.

Ms. Harshwhinny nodded. "Very well. You can take that empty desk in the middle, next to Sweetie Belle." As Zephyr headed for the indicated desk, Ms. Harshwhinny called out, "And Mr. Breeze? CHS has a fairly liberal dress code, but just as a word of advice, you might want to consider toning it down a notch. Dress more appropriately."

Zephyr groaned. "Man, this bites. Tryin' to stifle me already."

Ms. Harshwhinny frowned and made a mark next to Zephyr's name on her roll sheet.

* * * * *

Once the tardy bell rang, Principal Celestia returned to her office, where the soothing mercy of hot coffee and fresh donuts awaited. As she took her first delicious sip, Vice Principal Luna walked in. "So I hear Fluttershy's brother is starting here today," Luna said.

Celestia winced. "Please," she said. "Not until I've had at least one whole donut and a full cup."

Luna raised an eyebrow. "You sound like me right now," she said. "You're not usually like this until after school."

Celestia peered at her over the rim of her coffee cup. "I take it you haven't met Zephyr Breeze yet." Wordlessly, she picked up a folder from her desk and handed it to Luna.

"Is this his file? You mentioned he just returned from boarding..." She trailed off as she read the first page of Zephyr Breeze's file. "...school..." She sat down, paging through the file wordlessly, her lips pressed into a thin line. "This is Fluttershy's brother?!"

"So they tell me," Celestia said. She sighed. "I try not to be judgmental of my students. Even though I suspected Sunset Shimmer was a dangerous and disruptive element, I forced myself to think of her as simply another young mind to mold. I try, sometimes very hard, to see nothing but the good in all my students." She paused to take a large bite of a donut. "This kid? Between you and me, the very first thought I had when he walked into my office was 'oh God he's a douchebag.'"

Luna snorted. "That's no surprise, going by this file." She sighed. "And we're stuck with him, aren't we?"

"I'm afraid so..." Celestia slumped morosely against her desk. "Now I know why Fluttershy's been acting strange lately. If even half the stuff in that file is true, I don't think he'll make it a week here without being lynched..."

Sunset Vs. Sexual Harassment (Part 2)

ShimmyToTheLeft has joined the chat.
ShimmyToTheLeft: Hey guys -.-
IAmTheHer: What is the matter, the Shimmy?
LeaveMeAlone: Problems at school?
ShimmyToTheLeft: That creep. -.-
LeaveMeAlone: Ugh.
GreenDudeYo: Ugh.
IAmTheHer: The ugh.
ShimmyToTheLeft: Yep.
CircusBoy: What'd he do now?
ShimmyToTheLeft: It's not so much what he did
ShimmyToTheLeft: It's more that he is a thing that exists
LeaveMeAlone: Yikes.
ShimmyToTheLeft: Yeah -.-
ShimmyToTheLeft: But anyway, enough about that...

* * * * *

It only took two days for Zephyr Breeze to find an enabler among the student body at CHS.

Or rather, Sunset mused wryly, for him to find someone narcissistic enough to interpret his constant stream of lewd behavior as abject flattery and bask in it while simultaneously deflecting his every attempt to actually consummate said flattery.

"Really, the Great and Powerful TRRRRRRRRRRRIXIE!! appreciates your kind praise," Trixie said airily, fanning herself. "Trixie knows she is the epitome of grace and beauty." She shot Zephyr Breeze a superior smirk. "Now, do make yourself useful and bring Trixie a fruity refreshing fizzy beverage. Trixie is thirsty!"

"Oh, I've got something you can drink," Zephyr said, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. "Riiight here in my pants."

Sunset stared. *Oh, he did NOT just—*

Zephyr pulled a strawberry soda out of his pocket. "It's still cold, just bought it," he said, handing it to Trixie.

"Thank you," Trixie said primly, uncapping the bottle and taking a swig as she sashayed away.

Sunset facepalmed. "It...it hurts to watch..."

* * * * *

When Sunset walked into Home Ec, she was suddenly grateful she only had the elective twice a week.

Because Zephyr Breeze was holding court in the middle of the room wearing a frilly pink apron.

Or at least, he believed he was holding court.

"Hey ladies!" Zephyr announced obnoxiously. "I'm gonna make some pickle bread! How about it, huh? Any of you ladies wanna knead my dill dough?"

Sunset growled, her hands curling into tight fists. Her fingernails dug into her palms.

The other girls in the class shot disgusted glares at Zephyr and muttered angrily to each other. The few guys in the room were frowning at him.

When the Home Ec teacher, Miss Lemon Hearts, arrived, she began the lesson as normal, but the class was quickly derailed when Zephyr Breeze started turning everything in the lesson into a sexual innuendo, annoying the girls nearest him. By the middle of class, Miss Lemon Hearts had ejected him from the class with a detention slip. The rest of the class was subdued and nowhere near as fun as Home Ec usually was; everyone was in a sour mood.

"I want to punch that little asshole in the nuts," Bon Bon complained from nearby.

"Oh, dude, I totally feel you," a green-haired eco girl whose name Sunset could never remember said in a laid-back voice. "It's a good thing I already did a little baking before I got here or that dude would so totally have harshed my mellow!"

Next to Sunset, Pinkie Pie frowned. "We really need to get Fluttershy's brother under control," she said.

"I agree," Sunset said. "But how? It's not just that he's an obnoxious creep, it's, well..."

"He's stupid?" Pinkie offered.

"Yeah..."

Both girls sighed.

"I'll think of something," Sunset said. "We can't just let this keep going the way it is. He's bad for the morale at CHS, not to mention the effect he's having on Fluttershy."

Pinkie shuddered. "Yeah...I'm worried about her too..."

* * * * *

Fluttershy sat on the stage in the auditorium, a jet black bass strapped across her torso. She was wearing heavy black eyeliner, dark eyeshadow, a black tank top, black jeans, and heavy black boots, and had a black streak dyed into her hair. The bass vibrated angrily under her harsh plucks of the strings, filling the auditorium with angry, thundering notes.

The theater arts class, which was mostly comprised of CHS' drama kids, stared, slack-jawed, as Fluttershy rasped out angry, violent improvised lyrics in her soft voice which somehow carried across the auditorium without the benefit of a microphone:

Then friendly Mr. Bear will DISEMBOWEL YOU
Leave your large intestine hanging from a tree
To be feasted on by all the PRETTY BUZZARDS
Feed the birds you dirty hairless chimpanzee!

The drama teacher rushed up onto the stage, the lights gleaming off his balding head. "O-KAY!" he said in a high, lilting voice. "Thank you, Fluttershy, that was...unique...now, does anyone else have anything they want to share? Come on, kids, it's free self-expression day..."

Watermelody raised a hand. "Yeah, I'd like to express something. I'd like to express Zephyr Breeze's guts out of his butthole."

Half the class laughed. The other half applauded. Fluttershy made devil horns.

The teacher sighed. "I'm just...gonna make this a free period..."

* * * * *

By Thursday, Zephyr Breeze had already racked up two weeks' detention and a two-day suspension. He'd also been pepper sprayed no fewer than fifteen times.

It didn't deter him. Every afternoon without fail, he showed up wherever the girls were hanging out and made a complete ass of himself. Sunset found herself growing increasingly frustrated and agitated, and she wasn't alone.

Friday afternoon, Sunset apologized to the girls and said she wanted to spend some time alone for a change. The other girls, it turned out, were all similarly inclined; nobody wanted to be anywhere that Zephyr Breeze might turn up. He'd managed to singlehandedly drain any fun out of spending time together as friends.

Sunset turned on her computer at home, started to log into the chat room she hung out in, paused, then fired up a fantasy golfing MMO Flash Sentry had introduced her to instead. It was an anime-style game with lots of cute characters and tons of fun outfits to dress them up in; Sunset found the character customization and animations to be almost more fun than the actual game.

Sunset selected her favorite character—a tall, leggy blond with her hair in a tight bun—and spent a few minutes customizing her wardrobe. When she was finished, her character was clad in a knee-length skirt, black pumps, and a low-cut black leather top, along with a pair of orange-tinted sunglasses. Once she was done, she browsed the list of available games to join in the lobby.

While she was looking for a game to join, her private message notification chimed. She clicked on it, and smiled.

Message From: FlashFire101
Up for a game?

She replied 'yes', then received an invitation to a game. She joined the room, and smirked as Flash's character loaded up on the wait screen: a tall, pretty girl with long dark blue hair and huge, bouncy breasts in a trailing, low-cut black evening gown with dark purple tights and black slippers. Sunset rolled her eyes.

ShimmyToTheLeft: Really?
FlashFire101: Oh come on, you think I wanna stare at a dude's ass for an hour?
FlashFire101: Pinkie's on, let's wait for her.
ShimmyToTheLeft: OK

A few seconds later, a third character appeared in the room: a young girl with long pink pigtails and bright red eyes, wearing a striped red-and-white top, a checkered miniskirt, and tall striped socks with red-and-white Mary Janes.

PunkyPie: Hi! ^_^
ShimmyToTheLeft: Hey Pinkie!
FlashFire101: Everybody good to go?
PunkyPie: Yeppers!
ShimmyToTheLeft: Ready when you are

Sunset clicked 'Ready' and waited. Just as the room screen shifted to the loading screen, a fourth character briefly appeared...

When the game loaded and Flash's character walked up to the tee box, Sunset noticed a fourth player had in fact joined their game.

Zeebee: Hey ladies whats up?
Zeebee: Gonna be fun swingin with a buncha cute chicks
Zeebee: Whoa FlashFire101 ur so hot

Sunset facepalmed. It wasn't uncommon for players to hit on other players based on the character they were using. She'd seen Flash get hit on before whenever he was using one of his female characters.

FlashFire101: Dude
FlashFire101: I'm a guy
FlashFire101: Using a girl character
PunkyPie: Zeebee? Be cool & be nice, OK? We're here to have fun.
Zeebee: Hey dont stress
Zeebee: Just wanna have fun
Zeebee: With some hot girls
ShimmyToTheLeft: This is a game, not a dating site.
Zeebee: o hey
Zeebee: i know you
Zeebee: saw u in another chat
Zeebee: ur not nice

By now, it was Pinkie's turn to tee off.

Zeebee: PunkyPie ur a little girl?
PunkyPie: Does it matter?
Zeebee: dont wanna talk to little girls
Zeebee: wanna talk to hot chicks
Zeebee: like shimmy
Zeebee: but shes not nice

Zeebee's turn to tee off came. Sunset drummed her fingers on her keyboard, brow furrowing as she scrolled back over the chat. Meanwhile, Zeebee sat there, doing nothing, letting his shot timer tick down.

FlashFire101: Hey Zeebee
FlashFire101: Are you gonna play the game?
FlashFire101: Or are you just here to be a creep?
Zeebee: not a creep
Zeebee: be nice
Zeebee: why u all hatin on me
Zeebee: i just wanna meet hot chicks
PunkyPie: Wow. This is exactly what we wanted to get AWAY FROM today -.-
ShimmyToTheLeft: No shit. This asshole's just as bad as Zephyr Breeze.
PunkyPie: What's he talking about, meeting you on another chat?
ShimmyToTheLeft: Hell if I know.

With less than three seconds left, Zeebee finally took his shot. His ball landed farthest from the green, so his turn came up again. Sunset groaned.

Zeebee: come on i just wanna talk
Zeebee: ur all quiet
Zeebee: shimmy
Zeebee: u still mad
Zeebee: about last time
ShimmyToTheLeft: What last time?
Zeebee: u know
Zeebee: in that chat
Zeebee: with iamtheher

Sunset spat out a string of curses.

ShimmyToTheLeft: You're that BananaHammock freak?
Zeebee: yeah
FlashFire101: Wait what?
PunkyPie: OMG WHAT?
ShimmyToTheLeft: Ran into this fucktard in a chat room I hang out in
PunkyPie: I didn't know you hung out in chat rooms! >.<
FlashFire101: Wait, is it that thing for that show you don't want anybody to know you watch?
ShimmyToTheLeft: ...yeah, that one, and thanks for that, Flash. -.-#
FlashFire101: Oops
FlashFire101: My bad ^^;;
Zeebee: look im sorry ok?
Zeebee: u said bad things about me
Zeebee: i got mad
Zeebee: were cool tho rite?
Zeebee: i wanna get to know u
Zeebee: cuz i bet your hot
PunkyPie: O-M-G will you just PLAY THE GAME ALREADY?
PunkyPie: AND SHUT UP?
FlashFire101: Wow, Pinkie's pissed
FlashFire101: Don't see that every day

Zeebee finally took a shot, and Sunset's turn came up.

Zeebee: man why girls always gotta be like this
Zeebee: its the same with my sisters friends
Zeebee: their all hot
Zeebee: but they act like bitches
Zeebee: it sucks

Sunset frowned. As her ball landed and came to a stop and Flash's turn came up, she picked up her phone and texted Fluttershy.

Fluttershy, what's your brother doing right now?

A minute passed.

Playing some computer game, why?

No reason, just checking.

PunkyPie: That's Zephyr Breeze, isn't it.
ShimmyToTheLeft: Yep. >.>;;
PunkyPie: Oy...

Sunset blocked Zeebee's chat, then PMed Flash asking him to do the same. They continued playing as if he wasn't there, talking to each other and trying to keep the mood light. When Zeebee's next turn came up, he let his shot timer time out three times before finally quitting the game.

FlashFire101: Man, what a dumbass.
PunkyPie: I am so sick of him.
ShimmyToTheLeft: I'm about ready to kick his ass.
FlashFire101: Yeah, you said it. I caught him trying to take a picture up Twilight's skirt yesterday. If Beats hadn't dragged me into the bathroom I'd have broken his fucking arm.
PunkyPie: OMFG are you serious?
FlashFire101: No joke -_-
ShimmyToTheLeft: OK that's it. Flash? Borrowing your car tomorrow. Pinkie? Meet me at my place at about ten. We're putting a stop to this shit.
PunkyPie: Oooh, you came up with a plan?
ShimmyToTheLeft: Not yet, but I'll come up with something by tomorrow.
FlashFire101: OK but why my car?
ShimmyToTheLeft: Because your trunk is big enough to stuff him in.
PunkyPie: O_O!!
FlashFire101: ...dude what the FUCK?
ShimmyToTheLeft: Oh, like I've never stuffed somebody in the trunk of your car before. :P
PunkyPie: ...O_O!!!!
FlashFire101: :sigh: Don't get arrested, OK? My dad'll kill me if my car's impounded.

While they played the rest of their game, Sunset fired up Streamflix on her TV and put on a favorite old movie. By the time they were done golfing and had logged off for the night, Sunset had a plan. With an evil smirk, she texted Zephyr Breeze, inviting him to meet her at Hinny's for lunch...

* * * * *

Something wet and foul-smelling splashed harshly in Zephyr Breeze's face. He spluttered and coughed as he woke up. "What the—"

"Wakey-wakey," a sweet voice said in a cold tone. "Pink and Bacey."

It took Zephyr several seconds to ascertain his situation. He was duct-taped to a hard, uncomfortable chair in some kind of workshop or garage. Wherever he was, it was filthy and abandoned; the bare concrete floor was dusty and stained, wooden work benches along the walls were littered with old, broken debris, and what few windows weren't boarded up had been obscured with shoe polish, casting a dingy pall over the place.

Standing in front of him, wearing black suits with skinny black ties, were Sunset Shimmer and Pinkie Pie. He blinked. "What the—"

A cupcake covered in hot sauce found its way into his mouth. His eyes bugged out as he spat and choked, spraying cupcake everywhere.

"It's time we had a little heart-to-heart chat," Sunset said as she crouched down to stare him straight in the eyes. "Way past time, really."

Zephyr coughed, then looked between the two girls. "Look, girls, if...if you wanna do some kinda kinky S&M thing..."

Pinkie punched him in the gut. "That right there!" she exclaimed shrilly. "That's the problem!"

"You're a pig," Sunset said. "You're an obnoxious, rude, filthy pig. You think you're charming. You think you're God's gift to women. Let me assure you right now, you're not. Every girl at CHS finds you revolting."

"Yeah, see, there's 'charming', then there's 'coming on too strong', and then there's you," Pinkie said, standing back and filing her nails. "Nobody likes you, Zephyr Breeze. You're a jerk, you're a creep, you're a pig, and you make everybody's skin crawl. Even me! I try to like everybody, but you? I just can't. There aren't many people I wouldn't throw a birthday party for. You're at the top of that list."

"What?" Zephyr asked incredulously. "C'mon, girls, where...where's this comin' from? Y'all love the Breeze, right? This is...this is playtime, right?"

Sunset kicked him in the face. "No, this is us telling you we're sick of your shit," she spat. "This is us telling you you're never getting anywhere with a girl because you're the most annoying, obnoxious creep in the world!"

"That stuff you think is cute come-ons? It really isn't," Pinkie said. "In fact, it's pretty much sexual harassment. You do know what sexual harassment is, right?"

"Uhh...not really?"

The girls looked at each other. Pinkie shook her head. "Oy."

Sunset frowned. "Ms. Pink? You got his phone, right?" At Pinkie's nod, she said, "Why don't you go erase everything on it while I explain things."

"Okay, Ms. Red!" Pinkie whistled as she walked out of the room, Zephyr's phone in hand, her fingers dancing across the screen. Sunset took off her suit jacket and spread it on one of the least dusty benches, then tied her hair back in a ponytail.

"H-hey now, that's my phone!" Zephyr cried. "All the hot babes' numbers, all my pics—"

"You won't be needing any of that anymore," Sunset said as she picked up a roll of duct tape and tore off a strip. "Now...I don't know if it's even possible to explain to you how harmful and annoying your behavior is." She turned to face Zephyr. "And to be honest? I don't really give a hot fuck." She spread the tape across his mouth and wrapped it around the back of his head. "I don't care if it's possible to make you understand what a pig you are or not, but I am gonna torture you. Not because I think it'll change anything, but just because I want to." She stepped back and tilted her head, examining him.

Zephyr's eyes widened. He tried to yell protests through his gag, but could only produce muffled grunts.

Sunset walked over to a bench on Zephyr's left, on which sat a small, old-fashioned boombox. She put her foot up on a stool, rolled up her pants leg, and pulled a folded straight razor out of her left boot. "Ever listen to Wayback When's Sounds of the 70s?" she asked rhetorically as she fiddled with the buttons on the boombox. After a minute, a droning voice emanated from the speakers. "One of my personal favorites," Sunset said as she walked back into the center of the room, brandishing the razor.

An old, jangly tune filled the empty room. Sunset began dancing around the room, half-singing to herself, waving the razor around, always keeping it in Zephyr's line of sight. He watched her nervously as she danced close; the razor flashed out and nearly caught him across the cheek. "Ooh, that's a close shave," Sunset joked. "That one coulda left a scar, huh?"

Then she grabbed hold of his ponytail and yanked hard on it. Zephyr cried out in pain. "Hold still," Sunset advised as she closed in with the blade. Zephyr screamed...

A minute later, the sharp pain of hair being pulled was replaced with a dull, throbbing ache. Sunset held something up in front of him; Zephyr stared at it.

It was his hair. Man-bun, ponytail, everything.

"Well, that was a hair-raising experience," Sunset quipped, tossing the shorn hair carelessly to the floor. She patted Zephyr lightly on the cheek. "You could use a shave," she said. "How about that? Want me to give you a shave while I'm at it?"

Zephyr shook his head frantically, eyes wide with terror.

"No?" Sunset asked. She shrugged. "Suit yourself." She bent down and tucked the razor back into her boot. She tore the duct tape off Zephyr's mouth, then patted his cheek roughly. "Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back." She danced and swayed toward the door, leaving Zephyr struggling to comprehend what had just happened.

A minute later, she returned carrying a large bucket. She danced toward him; Zephyr watched her in terror and dread fascination. As she approached, she drew back the bucket and sloshed some of its contents in his face.

It was ice water. Freezing cold ice water. He spluttered and choked as his face was drenched once, then again.

"I bet that shit's cold," Sunset said. She took a step back, gave the bucket a good swing, then threw the rest of its contents right into Zephyr's lap. He shrieked as what had to be at least three gallons of ice water introduced itself to his man parts.

Sunset turned the empty bucket upside-down and sat on it, watching him calmly while he shrieked and hollered and gasped until the only sound he was capable of making was a high-pitched wheeze. She then stood up, pulled out a slim black canister almost as long as her forearm, and held it up to his face. "You see this?" she asked. "This here's a can of mace. Now..." She pulled something else out of her back pocket: a brochure. She held it up so Zephyr could see it.

It was a brochure for military school.

Sunset slapped him with it to get his attention, then waved the can of mace back and forth in front of him. "I'm gonna empty this whole can right into your eyeballs. Burn 'em right out of your head," she said menacingly. "OR! I can cut you loose, give you this," she waved the brochure in his face, "and send you on your way. You pack up, you leave town, and you stay gone. Which is it gonna be?" Her finger squeezed menacingly on the spray trigger...

Zephyr whimpered and nodded at the brochure.

Sunset smiled. "Good choice," she said, stuffing the brochure in his mouth. "Now, Fluttershy and your family? They don't hear a word about what happened here today. You leave tonight, you go to this military school, and after that, enlist, move away, whatever. I don't really care. You've lost your Canterlot priveleges." She leaned in close. "If you come back, if I catch sight of you at CHS ever again, next time I'm cutting off something you'll miss a lot more than that stupid man-bun. Got it?"

Zephyr nodded frantically.

"Smart kid."

* * * * *

Monday, Fluttershy was all smiles as she joined her friends at the front entrance of CHS. "You're in a good mood," Sunset observed with a smile.

"Girls, you'll never guess what happened!" Fluttershy exclaimed breathlessly. "Zephyr Breeze enrolled himself in military school!"

Rainbow gaped. "No shit?"

"Uh-huh!" Fluttershy nodded rapidly, a beaming smile on her face. "He came home Saturday with his hair buzzed and a clean shave and said he decided he needed a new direction in his life, so he left to go to military school! He even said he's thinking of joining the Navy after he graduates!"

"Well good for him!" Pinkie said.

"Wonder whut made him shape up so fast," Applejack mused, tilting her hat back.

"I don't know, but he seemed super excited to leave," Fluttershy said. "I guess he finally realized what a creep he is and decided he needed help..."

"Hmm, could be," Sunset said.

"Well, who cares why?" Rainbow said. "As long as he's gone, that's good enough for me!" She turned to Pinkie Pie. "I say we party down after school!"

Pinkie giggled. "You know it!"

As the seven girls headed into the school, Sunset hummed to herself, occasionally letting out a snippet of an old, forgotten song.

Author's Note

Tarantino references. :pinkiecrazy:

(Gonna be honest: I feel like there's a couple of scenes missing here, but this chapter was starting to drag and I wanted to get it in the can and put it to bed. I may come back to it at some point and flesh it out a little.)

Sunset Vs. The App Update

Author's Note

This one's really short, I know, and it's really just me venting in fanfic form about a recent real-life experience. It was either post it here or post it to Just Girls Talking, and it really felt more like a good interlude for this.

Sunset Vs. The App Update

Two-thirty in the morning...

After a trip to the toilet and a half glass of water, Sunset padded back to bed, eyes crusty and mind sleepy. As she climbed back into bed, she picked her phone up off the nightstand and checked her notifications.

Remembering an event going on in one of her mobile games, she unlocked the phone and opened the app, using the load time to clear the crust from her eyes.

Fifteen minutes and several full games of DiceCinco For Amigos later, Sunset yawned and closed the app. Just before she did, one last popup greeted her:

New DiceCinco For Amigos! Available soon in the app store! The game you love, better than ever! Pre-register now!

"Huh," Sunset muttered sleepily. She took a moment to pre-register for the app, then put her phone back on the bedside table and curled up to sleep.

* * * * *

"DiceCinco For Amigos? Seriously?" Rainbow Dash snorted. "You play DiceCinco For Amigos? I mean, it's fun and all to play DiceCinco with friends like, at a sleepover or when the power's out, but the mobile version, you actually spend time on that?"

"It's a fun time killer," Fluttershy said. "I used to play, I collected a bunch of fuzzy animal dice in some events. I only stopped when I had so many games going that I was getting sixty or seventy notifications a day."

"Well, they're upgrading it," Sunset said. "They say they're adding new game modes and new prizes. I'm hoping they'll add Thrice Dice as a game mode. You know, where you play three hands in the same game and it has point multipliers?"

"Ugh, yeah, one game of Thrice Dice takes forever," Rainbow complained. "Well, hope you enjoy your upgraded nerd game!"

Sunset's phone chimed. "Well, here we go," she said. She opened the "NEW DiceCinco" app...

Two minutes later, her left eye twitched, and a hair sprang out of her perfect coiffure. "Wat."

The streamlined, easy-to-read scorecard had been replaced by a kiddified, hard-to-read mess in bright, eye-searing colors. Every time Sunset made a play, no matter how simple, obnoxiously flashing words of encouragement popped up on the screen, complete with a loud, annoying fanfare. When she rolled a five of a kind, an animated braying donkey pulling a wagon of dice ran across the screen—but the animation was so slow and choppy, it took thirty seconds for the donkey to clear the screen, and another ten for the app to unfreeze to let her do anything.

Pinkie Pie leaned over her shoulder. "Wow," she said. "That looks really, really kiddy."

"It didn't used to," Sunset said with a faint whimper. "Why did they go and...and do this?"

Rainbow Dash took a look. "Ouch." She shook her head. "Can't you go back to the old app? I mean, it still works, right?"

"Y-yeah," Sunset said, frowning and closing the app. She opened the old app...

Thank you for playing DiceCinco For Amigos!

Effective immediately, there will be no new events or prizes awarded in this version of the app. We encourage you to install our NEW DiceCinco For Amigos app today to continue enjoying the events and rewards you've come to love from our game!

Sunset twitched. "You have got to be kidding me."

Applejack frowned, scratching her head. "Uhh...looks like th' game itself still works, though. Ah mean, there's all th' games you got goin' with other people, all right there, right?"

"Well, yes, but what's the point?" Sunset cried, throwing up a hand. "I don't play this stupid game to play pointless game after pointless game with random Internet people! I play all those random pointless games to earn free bonus rolls I can use in the events where I can get new dice and stuff! I mean, what other reason is there to keep rolling turn after turn after turn all day long?"

The others blinked. "Umm...because you enjoy it?" Fluttershy offered.

"Well, yeah, I enjoy the game," Sunset said, "but I enjoy it more when there's a reason to keep playing, like...like winning cool new dice, or putting more bling on my player frame, or racking up tournament trophies!" She gestured at her phone in frustration. "And now, I can't do any of that without playing that hideous mess of a new app?" She let out a heavy puff of air. "Besides, the app was just fine the way it was! Why did they go and make a new version? There's no point!"

"So just give it up and find a different game to play?" Twilight suggested.

"I've spent dozens of hours playing DiceCinco!" Sunset cried. "I have over a hundred custom dice sets! I rank in the top three in the weekly challenge every week! I can't just turn my back on all that!"

The others stared at her.

"Wow," Rainbow said. "When do you get anything done?"

Sunset ducked her head. "I...I play when I'm not doing anything, okay? Which isn't that often..."

"Often enough, apparently," Rarity observed with a cocked eyebrow.

Sunset groaned. "Look, the point is, this is bullshit!" She fired up the app store on her phone. "I'm gonna write such an angry review..."

"Yyyeah, good luck with that," Rainbow drawled.

* * * * *

Sunset dully tapped the Roll button again and again, listlessly burning through the 497 turn notifications that had accumulated on her phone in the three days since the DiceCinco app had upgraded. She was barely even paying attention to the scoring; she was going through the motions as she watched a Daring Do movie on TV and read her homework assignment while playing.

It didn't help that every ten turns, a popup would flash onto her screen:

Enjoying DiceCinco? Get new rewards, play new exciting events, and more with the NEW DiceCinco For Amigos! Download it now!

Sunset sighed. She had eighty bonus rolls accumulated—all earned through crafty, savvy gameplay rather than purchased from the app—and they were useless now, because there would be no new events. She had twenty thousand Cincoins, but nothing to buy with them in the Rewards store—which would never again be adding new content, and the new app didn't use Cincoins at all, it used Churro Tokens. She'd checked and found you'd get one Churro Token for every thousand Cincoins you had if you migrated your account, and three Churro Tokens were used per play in the random dice drop game.

"What's the use?" she moaned. With a weary sigh, she opened the new DiceCinco app. She went into the new rewards center and listlessly blew her earned Tokens to collect several bland, uninteresting new sets of dice. For no particular reason, she decided to check the new events.

Ten minutes later found her playing her way through the available new event games. Each roll was met with a flashy animation. Each score was greeted by an obnoxious, noisome pop-up message in big, gaudy gold letters:

Wow!

Awesome!

You Rock!

Great Play!

And whenever she scored a five of a kind, that obnoxious donkey would appear, braying his fool head off as he crossed the screen. She noted that at least he wasn't as laggy as he'd been before. Also, the colors on the new scorecard didn't seem quite as obnoxious and garish as they had before. It still took three times as long to make a single play as it did in the old app, but the longer she played it, the more accustomed she grew to it.

* * * * *

"You seem rather chipper today, darling! Despite the dark circles under your eyes."

Sunset chuckled. "Heh...yeah...I was up all night playing DiceCinco."

Fluttershy tilted her head. "I thought you gave up on it?" she asked.

"Eh," Sunset said. "I decided to give the new app another chance. Still hate it, but I'll get used to it."

"That's good to know," Rainbow said. "By the way, did you download the new Streamflix update?"

That night...

Sunset stared, one eye twitching, at her Streamflix queue.

Which had previously been neatly ordered, arranged by the titles she wanted to watch the most placed at the top, and everything else in alphabetical order.

But after the update, the queue had been shuffled into "Streamflix Suggests" and "Watch It Again", and there was no longer any option to reorganize her queue to her own liking. Worse, anything new she added went right to the top of the list...

Sunset sighed. "Why do they keep 'fixing' apps that aren't broken?" she complained to her empty apartment.

Her DiceCinco notification went off.

You have 779 notifications!

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh..."

Sunset Vs. Nutsack Burger

Author's Note

Up-front disclaimer:
I am in no way disparaging British cuisine, British fast food, or the good people of Wales in general with this chapter. Really. I'm seriously not. I'd actually fly to England JUST to eat at Wimpy's and for no other reason if I had the money because holy shit their menu.

This is just me having a laugh. Please don't take offense if you're from the UK. ^^;;

Sunset Vs. Nutsack Burger

As Sunset rounded the corner to turn into the parking lot of her neighborhood supermarket, Sharty's, a sign came into view that nearly made her crash her bike in shock.

For some time, an abandoned gas station next door to Sharty's had been undergoing remodeling and renovation. Now, a crew was erecting a sign in the front lot that proudly proclaimed:

NUTSACK BURGER

"Oh, hell no," Sunset growled as she parked her bike and grabbed her reusable shopping bags. As soon as she made her way inside, she flagged down a familiar cashier. "Hey Daisy, is Tangie here today?"

"Oh, hey Sunset. Yeah, she's in the office, why? Is there a problem?" She bit her lip. "I didn't overcharge you for something last time you were here, did I?"

"No, it's not that," Sunset said. "I just want to chat with her a sec." She waved and headed for the management office at the corner of the store. The staff in the vicinity nodded and waved to her. She leaned into the manager's office and knocked on the open door. The manager, a middle-aged woman named Tangerine Dream, looked up and smiled. "Hello, Sunset!" she said.

"Hey Tangie," Sunset said. "What's up with the new place next door?" She raised an eyebrow. "Nutsack Burger? How'd that get past the neighborhood association?"

"Nutsack Bur—Oh, the Noosecs?" Tangie said, pronouncing the name rather deliberately. "Yeah, they're from Cardhoof. They moved here about, oh, six months ago?" She laughed. "They have a passion for 'Colonial cuisine', or so they say. They had a couple of shops back in Cardhoof, they decided to sell them and move here, open a shop and show 'us Yokes' how it's done."

"So they're Woolsh?" Sunset asked, frowning.

"Yeah. Their name isn't, well..." Tangie bit her lip to fight off a smile. "It isn't pronounced how it's spelled."

"I see," Sunset said. "And...nobody's told them...?"

"Oh, we tried," Tangie said, rolling her eyes. "But, well, they just scoff and say 'aww, you Yokes'll get used to it', and, well..." She shrugged. "I'm running a store called Sharty's. I don't exactly have any room to complain."

Sunset chuckled. "You have a point." She shook her head. "Still, it won't do them or the community any good to...I mean..." She pursed her lips and threw her arms out wide. "I don't care how you explain it, there's a sign next door that says NUTSACK BURGER. There's...there's just no way to justify that, you know?"

Tangie sighed. "Yeah...you're right..."

"Listen, I've got some shopping to do and then some stuff to do at home, but tomorrow I'll visit the Nutsacks and try to get them to see reason, okay?"

Tangie shrugged. "Sure, you can give it a try..."

* * * * *

"Aww, well aren't you just a lovely little gel."

Sunset sat at a small tea table in a stuffy, lace-covered sitting room in a small one-story house three blocks from where Twilight Sparkle lived. Across from the stiff-backed sitting chair in which she sat, a short, plump woman with rosy cheeks and flyaway hair in a frumpy pink dress sat in a plush armchair, stirring sugar into her tea. This was Pat Nutsack, wife of Harry Nutsack, whom Sunset had met at the front door. She'd been invited in for tea after introducing herself as a resident of the neighborhood where they'd set up their new shop.

"Thank you, Mrs. Nut—er, Noosec," Sunset said. She folded her hands in her lap as Mr. Nutsack walked into the room and took a seat at the table, busying himself with his own tea. "So, as a member of the Lathering Downs community, I'm here to talk to you about, well..." She bit her lip. "I don't want to be rude, but the thing is...you might want to change the name of your shop."

Mr. Nutsack groaned, even as Mrs. Nutsack's spoon went still. "Bugger, this again?" Mr. Nutsack grumbled in an exasperated tone. "Look, you lot wear fanny packs, right? D'you know what that sounds like where we're from?"

"Yeah, but we don't go around putting it on a fast food restaurant sign," Sunset pointed out. "I mean...you kinda have to see where I'm coming from here, right?"

Mrs. Nutsack forced a kindly smile onto her face. "Well what would you have us do, dearie? We don't have a great wealth of options when it comes to a name for our burger bar."

"I dunno, Ye Olde Burger Bar?" Sunset offered. "The Queen's Burgers? Horsewood?"

"Last one's a bit trademarked tho, innit?" Mr. Nutsack said in a snarky imitation of a chav.

"It's just...!" Sunset threw up her hands in exasperation. "You do get the problem, right? I mean, didn't anyone explain to you what 'nutsack' means—"

"NOOSEC!" Mr. Nutsack thundered.

"So SPELL IT LIKE IT SOUNDS!" Sunset retorted. "Because the way it's spelled, I'm sorry, everyone's going to look at it and see 'Nutsack', and that, Mr. Noosec, is the thing that's presumably dangling between your legs waiting to get hit by a free kick!"

Mrs. Nutsack giggled in spite of herself, which earned her a sharp glare from her husband. "What?" she said. "It was funny!"

Mr. Nutsack took a deep breath, then snorted indignantly. "Right," he said. "Look, bottom line is, we've spent a ton of money registering our business, purchasing signs, all the things with our name and logo on them. Would you ask a Chineighse man named Wang to not call his laundry Wang Laundry or open a Wang Market in Chineightown?"

Sunset faltered. "W-well..."

"Precisely," Mr. Nutsack said in a tone that declared he'd won the argument. "So there'll be no more of this guff about our name or our burger bar." He grinned rather victoriously. "Besides, I know how you Yokes think. D'you think I don't know how you Yokes think? They'll be lining up for miles to eat at a place with a name they think is naughty."

Sunset frowned. "You knew," she accused. "You knew before you left Cardhoof."

"Too right I did, duckey," Mr. Nutsack said, earning a startled, bewildered stare from Mrs. Nutsack. "Now, if you please, it's best you pop off, we've work to do." He smiled. "And do stop by Nutsack Burger some day, and bring all your friends!"

With that, Sunset found herself ushered out of the house, the front door slammed behind her the second her hair crossed the threshold. She blinked dazedly in the afternoon sunlight.

After ten seconds, her eyes narrowed.

"Oh, it. Is. On."

* * * * *

Two weeks passed. Whenever Sunset dropped by the grocery store for something, the Nutsack Burger sign was there, taunting her. Then the restaurant had its grand opening, and she found flyers and coupons for it posted in her mailbox.

Applejack held the flyer Sunset had brought to show her friends aloft, her brow furrowed. "Nutsack Burger? Okay, jes'...whut?"

Rainbow let out a bark of laughter. "Oh god, that sounds so gross! Are they like, what, made out of ground-up bull nutsacks?"

"Thank you for that," Rarity said acidly, putting her plastic spork down with a frown and pushing her salad away as Fluttershy whimpered squeakily.

"I didn't bring it up earlier, but this thing's been bugging me for a while now," Sunset said. "This place just opened up in my neighborhood, and a lot of the locals are kinda ticked about the name. Thing is, I went to talk to the owner a couple of weeks ago to try to explain to him why the name bothers everyone, and, well..." She slumped forward, her face falling. "We sorta got into a fight and the guy's kind of a jerk."

"Sounds like he's a real nutsack," Rainbow said with a grin.

"Umm...why would they name their store that?" Twilight asked.

"Because it's their actual name," Sunset explained. "They're Woolsh, so it's pronounced 'Noosec', but..."

"But in our English, it reads as 'Nutsack'," Rarity said, tutting. "Yes, that is a problem. And he refused to see reason?"

"It's worse than that," Sunset said sourly. "He knows exactly what he's doing. He's counting on the troll factor to get business."

"Oh my. That's...actually pretty clever," Fluttershy said.

"But is the food any good?" Rainbow wondered pointedly. "I mean, if you're gonna go into a place called Nutsack Burger, you're gonna wonder if the food tastes like, well..."

"Nutsack?" Pinkie Pie prompted.

"Yep."

"I have no idea," Sunset said. "Mr. Nutsack did sorta dare me to come, though, I think. And to bring my friends. I think he was being a jerk or...whatever, but..." She bit her lip.

"Oh, we should totally do it," Rainbow said. "Then if the food sucks, we can smear the punk on Burp."

"An' if th' food's good?" Applejack asked.

"Then we still smear the punk on Burp for having a bad attitude and a stupid name," Rainbow said.

"That's not very nice," Fluttershy said with a mild frown.

"Fluttershy, there's a burger place right next door to the supermarket I go to to buy food that's called Nutsack Burger," Sunset said. "And the guy who owns it all but told me to go screw myself when I complained about it."

Fluttershy pursed her lips, her brow furrowing cutely. "Okay," she said, nodding once with determination. "Let's eat his lunch. And then after we eat his lunch, we'll eat his lunch."

"Oooh, good wordplay!" Pinkie said cheerfully.

* * * * *

Seven girls walked through the front doors of Nutsack Burger and were assaulted by a variety of smells which carried a strong undercurrent of vinegar and fish. There weren't very many people in the store, and most of them were college kids who didn't look entirely sober, or the less mature boys from school such as Snips and Snails, who occupied a table near the front windows and were chuckling to themselves. At the front counter, taking orders, were Coco Pommel and a college-aged girl with light mocha colored skin and long, straight brown hair. They grouped into two loose lines at the mostly-empty counter and studied the menu board.

"Let's see...Double Sack, Fish and Chips Burger, Salisbury Burger?" Rainbow wondered. "And...don't they have fries?"

"They do, darling, but they're called chips," Rarity said. "What we call fries, they call chips, and what we call chips, they call crisps."

"Huh. Weird." Rainbow kept scanning the menu, then suddenly erupted into a fit of snickers. "Buffalo chips?"

Coco, overhearing her, offered a pained grimace. "They're fries with hot sauce," she said. "I know, it's...it's weird..."

"What's a Sally Lunn bun?" Twilight wondered, tilting her head. At least three menu offerings boasted being served on a 'Sally Lunn bun'.

"Oh, it's...well..." Coco frowned. "It's really big, kind of sweet, really yeasty bread?" She shook her head. "Don't order it unless you're really hungry."

Rainbow and Applejack glanced at each other, raised eyebrows, and smirked.

Fluttershy bit her lip. "Oh my. Umm...I don't suppose you have a salad on the menu?"

Coco shook her head. "Sorry," she said. "Oh, but we do have a baked potato!"

"Jacket potato," her co-worker whispered.

"Right, jacket potato," Coco said quickly. "It's...it's got all kinds of stuff on it..."

Fluttershy scanned the menu, blinking when she found it. "Umm...that actually sounds heavier and more bloaty than the burgers," she said. She sighed. "I guess I'll have the fish and chips burger."

"I believe I'll have the Salisbury Burger," Rarity said. "It sounds quite savory."

"I'll just have a plain burger, no cheese," Twilight said.

Sunset mulled things over for a minute. "I think I'll try that jacket potato with everything," she said.

"Ah'll go fer the, uhh, King Nutsack," Applejack said. "Mustard, no mayo, extra bacon."

"I'll have the King Nutsack, mayonnaise, no mustard, extra bacon and extra cheese," Rainbow said in a challenging tone.

"I'll have the Double Sack and a large chocolate milkshake!" Pinkie said.

Coco and her co-worker finished feverishly punching in their orders. "Chips all around?" the other cashier asked.

"None for me," Fluttershy said.

"Plain chips," Twilight said.

"Plain chips for me as well," Rarity said.

"Applejack wants Buffalo chips!" Rainbow announced with a snicker.

Applejack rolled her eyes. "Then Rainbow wants them 'dirty chips'," she said.

"No chips here, I'm already eating way too much potato," Sunset said. "Think I'm with Pinkie on the milkshake thing though." The other girls ordered their drinks, then everyone paid when the totals were added up, dividing the bill between them.

"We'll bring your food out to you when it's ready," Coco said. The girls wended their way to the corner, finding a booth large enough for all seven of them to crowd into.

"Kinda stinks in here," Rainbow commented quietly once they'd all sat down.

Sunset took a few napkins from the napkin dispenser and fiddled with them. "Yeah, there's kind of a weird...fishy...vinegar smell in here." She wrinkled her nose. "I really hope that's just from whatever they fry the food in."

"Ugh, no, then the food'll smell like that," Twilight complained.

Ditzy Doo and Sandalwood walked past their booth. Sunset flagged them down. "Hey Ditzy, fancy seeing you here."

"Oh...hey Sunset," Ditzy said. "Forgot you lived near here. Hi girls."

"So, what's the scoop, Derpy?" Rainbow asked. "How's the food here?"

Ditzy bit her lip, an unhappy frown on her face. "Basically? Run." With that, she and Sandalwood left.

A deathly pall descended upon the table. Little attempt at conversation was made until Coco, the other cashier, and a third wage slave brought their food to the table on a trio of plastic trays. As the food was placed in front of them in cheap cardboard trays and boats with handfuls of packets of condiments dumped unceremoniously in the center, the girls' hearts and stomachs began to sink.

The burgers Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity had ordered all came served on a toasted English muffin. Pinkie's came the closest to looking like a normal hamburger, if the bun was a bit sad looking and the meat was an unappealing shade of grey. Rainbow and Applejack, on the other hand, had been brought massive burgers on huge, yeasty rolls that were loaded with so many ingredients there was quite simply no conceivable way to pick them up without dumping half of it.

"Holy crap," Rainbow said, eyeing her 'King Nutsack'. "This thing's bigger than my tits!"

"Oh...my...goodness," Fluttershy said as she lifted the top off her fish and chips burger to inspect its contents. Two thin breaded fish fillets sat atop a bed of thick, greasy chips, which in turn sat atop a bed of slightly wilted lettuce. There were two pickle slices on top of the whole thing, and a smear of tartar sauce on the bun.

Twilight performed a cursory examination of her own burger, peeling the patty off its bed of disappointing veggies and holding it up between two fingers. "This looks...boiled," she said.

"Ah think it is," Applejack muttered. She'd unwrapped the plastic knife and fork she'd been given and had started in on her burger, and was chewing unhappily. "Yep, they done boiled these burgers."

Rarity cut a bite from hers and sampled it, brow furrowed. "Well, I don't know what I expected from the menu description, but...this tastes like a middle school cafeteria salisbury steak on a dry, stale English muffin."

"I think that's exactly what it is," Sunset said as she eyed her potato. It had been split open and stuffed with baked beans, crumbled bacon, shredded cheese, pickle relish, and fried onions.

"Eugh, this is nasty," Pinkie said after swallowing a bite of her burger. She set it down and picked up her shake, drawing a long sip of it through her straw. She winced and glanced at her cup. "Wow, even their milkshakes are..."

As bad as the burgers were, the fries were worse. They hadn't been salted at all, they were soggy and greasy, and Rainbow's "dirty chips" essentially turned out to be a tablespoon of lukewarm, watery chili and congealed cheese on top of a caked-together mess of cold, sodden, greasy potato. The girls picked listlessly at their meals, occasionally commenting on the quality.

"Seriously, did they even salt this meat?"

"Now I know why you don't boil ground beef...ugh..."

"Good thing the beans on this potato are so sweet, the potato itself tastes like mush..."

"In retrospect, I question the wisdom of ordering a Salisbury steak burger."

"I think I've eaten kitchen sponges tastier than this."

"Ugh, this big-ass bun is way too much. Is it supposed to be this heavy?"

"Ah don't think so. Ah mean, seems like t' me this is supposed to be a light bread, that's whut it tastes like. Ah think they didn't let it rise nowhere yonder near long enough."

"Oh, oh no...I can't finish this," Fluttershy said, setting down her burger and standing up, holding a napkin to her mouth. "Excuse me, I..." She made an ulping sound, her cheeks bulging. She turned and ran for the restroom.

The others all looked at each other, pained grimaces on their faces. They pulled out their phones.

* * * * *

BURP Reviews: Nutsack Burger
1123 5th Street, Lathering Downs
Fast Food/Burger, Price Range: $
Average reviewer score: 1.8/5 ★★☆☆☆

Reviewer: Rainbow D. ★☆☆☆☆
This place sucks! The burgers are boiled and have zero taste, the fries are soggy and nasty, and what kind of name is Nutsack Burger anyway? I mean, who's gonna go there, drunk frat boys and dorky retards? Lame!

Reviewer: Fluttershy ★☆☆☆☆
This restaurant opened up in a friend's neighborhood. We all went in as a group. The counter girls were very nice and apologetic. The food was, I'm sorry, just terrible. I ordered the fish and chips burger and it was a greasy, half-cold mess on a stale English muffin. I mean, an English muffin? Seriously? This is what you want people to think hamburgers are like in Wooles? I actually had to throw up in the bathroom there because the food was so awful. I've heard the owner wasn't very nice to one of my friends, also. I just really can't recommend this place to anybody.

Reviewer: Applejack ★☆☆☆☆
This place is a bad joke with a stupid name and awful food. I'd rather eat a whole tub of our school's Mistery Meat than these boiled burgers and greasy fries.

Reviewer: Snips ★★★★★
Heheheheheheheheheh Nutsack omfglol kek

Reviewer: Snails ★★★☆☆
Eh, it's okay I guess. Burger Barn is better.

Reviewer: Ditzy D. ★☆☆☆☆
ENGLISH MUFFINS, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Reviewer: Sunset S. ★☆☆☆☆
Okay, I tried to be objective about this, but this food is horrible. I ordered a jacket potato and the potato was so bland and the only flavor at all came from the baked beans stuffed inside it. The rest of the toppings were a congealed mess. They can't even get a milkshake right. Also, when I went to the owner as a resident of the neighborhood to complain about this place's name, I was treated very rudely. I don't think the people who own this place are very nice and they really don't have any business owning a shop in my community. Not if this is how they're going to do it.

Reviewer: Twilight S. ★☆☆☆☆
I don't think this can even legally be called food.

Reviewer: Rarity ★☆☆☆☆
Nutsack Burger fails on every conceivable level as a restaurant. Name, atmosphere, menu, presentation, actual food. I'm sorry, but I found absolutely nothing here worthy of praise.

Reviewer: Pinkie P. ★☆☆☆☆
I so won't be throwing the Nutsacks a Welcome to Canterlot Congratulations on Opening Your Burger Place Party. BTW your milkshakes suck!

* * * * *

The next evening, Sunset had just finished her homework and was getting ready to take a long, relaxing bath when there was a furious pounding on her apartment door. Frowning, she padded to the front door and peered through the peephole. On the other side stood a red-faced, furious Harry Nutsack. Twisting her face into a grimace, Sunset opened the door a crack, keeping the chain firmly on. "What do you want?" she asked.

"I DEMAND an apology and a retraction!" Mr. Nutsack thundered.

"Yeah, no," Sunset said, closing the door and locking it.

Mr. Nutsack resumed his furious pounding on the door. "YOU'RE OUT TO RUIN ME AND I WON'T HAVE IT!" he bellowed.

Sunset let out an aggravated groan, then opened the door again. "You're making a scene and disturbing my neighbors," she said. "Do you want me to call the cops on you? Because I will."

Mr. Nutsack sneered at her. "Really?" he said. "You know, I've done some checking up on you. Awful strange, isn't it? A sixteen year old girl living all by herself in a posh flat like this?" His sneer turned vicious. "Not up to anything funny, are you?"

Sunset blinked. "Did...did you just..." She floundered for a minute in disbelief. "Did you just call me a whore?!"

"Well if the shoe fits," Mr. Nutsack said triumphantly.

Sunset's left eye twitched. "Get lost," she snarled.

"Not until I have my satisfaction!" Mr. Nutsack bellowed.

Sunset closed and locked the door, leaning against it, trying to ignore the heavy vibrations of Mr. Nutsack pounding on it and yelling. She balled her hands into tight, white-knuckled fists. "Alright," she said. She calmly walked into the kitchen, rooted through her cupboards, and pulled out the heaviest skillet she had. Testing its heft, she stalked back to the front door, took off the chain, unlocked it, and opened it. As Mr. Nutsack recovered from another thundering knock, she drew back and smashed him in the face with her skillet. He blinked in surprise, blood dribbling from his broken nose, then spun around once and collapsed onto the porch.

The door to the next apartment over opened. A squat, fat man with a dark hair and a reedy mustache peeked out. "Hey Joe," he said. "Ahwat happened to your big friend? Did you dingle his berry?"

"Something like that," Sunset muttered. "Can you help me drag this guy to the curb?"

"Okay, but you buy the peppers," Dooble said. "I can only ride the pickle."

"Uhhh...yeah," Sunset said as she grabbed Mr. Nutsack's ankles and started dragging him to the stairs.

* * * * *

"He said WHAT?!"

Sunset blew on her bangs. "I know, right? The nerve of that guy."

"So...what happened after you knocked him out and dragged him to the curb?" Fluttershy asked.

Sunset shrugged. "Called the cops, warned them about a trespasser in the neighborhood, gave them his description. I guess he went home because he didn't knock on my door anymore."

"Man, some people," Rainbow said, shaking her head. The girls were gathered in their usual spot around the base of the horse statue that housed the portal. "So what's next?"

"Next?" Sunset asked, her face twisting into a cruel smirk that sent shivers up the others' spines. "Next, I'm gonna show him exactly what I think of him and his nutsack."

"What did you have in mind, darling?" Rarity asked. "We already left negative reviews on Burp."

"Oh, we're way past that now," Sunset said evilly. "He wants name-calling? I'll give him name-calling like he'll never forget."

"Ooh, what're you gonna do?" Pinkie asked.

Sunset rubbed her hands together with malicious glee. "This all started with that stupid sign," she said. "So I'm gonna end it with that stupid sign."

"Is it me, or is this getting out of hand?" Twilight asked hesitantly. "I mean, this just seems like way too much drama over something so pointless."

"Err..." Rarity blinked. "Sunset? I...I agree with Twilight..."

"Rarity, he called me a whore," Sunset ground out. "Because I insulted his shitty restaurant, he came over to my house and called me a whore."

"I'll help," Fluttershy said suddenly, a dark, serious expression on her face.

Everyone blinked at her. "Fluttershy?" Rainbow asked incredulously. "You too?!"

"When I think of all the innocent little cows and fishies that gave their lives to be part of that man's disgusting food..." Fluttershy's voice dropped into a guttural growl. "I just get so...so peeved!" She noticed everyone staring at her, coughed, and ducked her head. "So...um...I'll help," she finished quietly.

Sunset nodded. "Alright. We'll do it at two A.M. on Saturday night. Get some stuff together, I'll text you when I'm ready to roll."

"Awww yeah!" Rainbow cried, pumping a fist. "Vandalism in the name of justice!"

"I...don't know if I'd call any of this 'justice'," Twilight said doubtfully.

* * * * *

The night air was brisk and dry, with wispy clouds drifting across a waxing crescent moon. A rickety van pulled into the parking lot of Nutsack Burger; once it parked, Sunset Shimmer and Fluttershy jumped out, dressed all in form-fitting black, with ski masks rolled up atop their heads like black wool beanies. Each girl had a black knapsack slung over her shoulders, and Sunset carried a large burlap sack. They crouched down at the foot of the sign and, using flashlights, took inventory of their supplies. Looking at one another, they nodded, returned to the van, and came back with a ladder.

"Okay, we do the sign first, then the windows, then we're outta here," Sunset whispered. Fluttershy nodded. Once the ladder was set up, Sunset tied a black bandana over her nose and mouth, strapped a canvas belt around her waist and tucked three cans of spray paint into the holsters lining it, then climbed the ladder. Below, Fluttershy kept a lookout as she watched Sunset work.

Forty minutes later, Sunset climbed back down the ladder, a smug, satisfied smirk on her face as she pulled down her bandana and looked up at her handiwork. "There, that'll show him," she said.

Fluttershy tilted her head. "I don't know," she said. "I feel like it's missing something."

"Really? What?"

Fluttershy tapped her chin and hummed thoughtfully for a moment. "No idea..." She shook her head. "I'll think about it while we do the windows."

The two girls crossed the parking lot to the front of the store, each armed with several cans of black shoe polish and a sack of sponges. "We'll work from the middle around to the back," Sunset said. "You go that way, I'll go this way."

"Right," Fluttershy nodded. The girls set to work, blacking out all the windows with shoe polish; fortunately, very few cars passed by as they worked, and nobody took notice of them. When they met up again at the back of the store almost an hour later, Fluttershy's foot bumped against a plastic bucket, which rattled noisily and tipped over, making her jump and shriek in fright.

"Shy, it's okay!" Sunset said. "It's just a bucket." She looked around nervously just in case.

Fluttershy took a deep breath. "Right. You're right," she said. She knelt down to upright the bucket and paused, peering inside with her flashlight.

"Hm? Something wrong?" Sunset asked.

Fluttershy looked up at her with an unsettlingly evil smile. "I think I just found that missing touch for the sign," she said. Sunset blinked and looked into the bucket. It was full of clear plastic sheets with single black letters printed on them.

The two girls looked at each other and slowly grinned...

* * * * *

Dawn broke over Lathering Downs. As the residents got out and about on a sleepy Sunday morning, word slowly leaked out, via social media and word of mouth, about the vandalism at Nutsack Burger.

Within two hours of daybreak, Harry Nutsack was standing in the parking lot, face a dark purple, eyes bulging out of his head, a vein throbbing on his neck. "That little whore," he snarled. "She did this!"

Pat Nutsack stood beside him, hands covering her mouth, her face pale and her eyes wide. "What sort of...why would she ever...my goodness, Harry! We need the police! The police, Harry!"

"Are you daft, woman?" Harry asked. "We'll deal with this privately, quietly. Then I'll deal with that Sunset Shimmer myself."

His eyes returned to the shop sign, which had been spraypainted completely black, the name 'Nutsack Burger' replaced with "ASSHOLE BURGER" in vivid red. Below that, on the bulletin board, the words "NOW OPEN" had been removed and replaced with:

DON'T EAT HERE
EVERYTHING TASTES LIKE
YOUR MAMA'S BUTT

* * * * *

That afternoon, Sunset and Fluttershy met up with their friends, who had long since seen the pictures of their late night escapade.

"Stop me if Ah'm on th' wrong track here, sugarcube," Applejack said, "but weren't your whole problem with that there place th' bad word on th' sign? An' then you done gone an' painted an even worse one up there?"

"It's the principle of the thing," Sunset said defensively. "I mean, it isn't even really about the name or the sign anymore, it's about this guy is an asshole and I want him to suffer."

"Uhh..." Twilight uttered, holding up a finger, her eyes wide. "Are you okay, Sunset? This...this isn't like you..."

"Oh, this is exactly like her," Rarity said. "The old Sunset. And while I approve of punishing this man for his rude behavior and disgusting food on general principle, I agree with Twilight. I'm...I'm concerned, darling. You're backsliding..."

Sunset took a deep breath, bowing her head. "Yeah, maybe you're right."

Her phone rang. She pulled it out, glanced at the screen, and frowned. "Sal? What's—" She answered. "Hello, Sal? What's wrong?"

"Who's Sal?" Rainbow wondered.

"Sunset's landlord," Fluttershy said with a worried frown.

"WHAT?!" Sunset roared suddenly, making everybody jump. They watched, nervously, as Sunset's left eye began to twitch. She took a deep breath. "Sal? Take pictures of everything and send them to me. I'll be there as soon as I can. I have something really important to take care of. Huh? Oh, yeah, the cops." She bit her lip. "A-anyway, I'll be there as soon as I can." She hung up, pocketed her phone, then pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Sunset? You okay?" Rainbow asked.

"What happened?" Fluttershy asked.

"My apartment's been trashed," Sunset said. "Door smashed down, everything tossed around and smashed up."

The others gasped. "Oh my goodness," Rarity said. "Do you...do you think it was...him?"

"Of course it was," Sunset muttered. She stood up. "I'll see you girls later. I'm putting a stop to this." She stalked away. The others shared a terrified look.

"Should we...should we stop her?" Pinkie asked.

"I don't know," Rainbow said. "But we need to..." She sighed. "We should at least follow her."

* * * * *

Harry Nutsack stood in the back office of his shop, hurriedly stuffing large amounts of money into a duffel bag as he spoke on the phone. "Forget the restaurant," he said. "I know, but...listen—listen to me, woman! Pack up and get ready to leave. I rumbled that little tramp's apartment, so I'm certain she's coming after me. As soon as she gets here..." He absently fingered the revolver in his pocket. "As soon as she gets here, I'll put an end to this, and then we need to go—"

A sharp cracking sound echoed through the empty restaurant. Mr. Nutsack pocketed his phone and pulled out his gun, watching the door nervously.

The door shook violently as something heavy impacted with it once, then again. The wood began to splinter around the frame. The knob rattled.

"Go away!" Mr. Nutsack bellowed. "I shall summon the police!"

"Yeah, you do that," Sunset Shimmer yelled through the door. "We can talk all about how you trashed my apartment and sexually harassed me!"

"Sexually—what are you on about, stupid girl?"

"You called me a whore, you fat nutsack!"

"NOOSEC!"

The door shook again, then flew open with a loud bang. Mr. Nutsack raised his pistol, his hand shaking as Sunset Shimmer burst into the room wielding a fire axe. "Heeeeeeere's Sunny!" she said in a low, eerie voice.

Mr. Nutsack fired off a shot, but it missed by inches, biting into the wall. Sunset froze for half a second, but as soon as the cylinder clicked over to the next round, she rushed forward, bringing her axe around in a broad, sideways swing that forced Mr. Nutsack to turn away to protect himself. Sunset followed through with a kick that sent the gun flying out of his hand, then tackled him to the ground.

"YOU! TRASHED! MY! APARTMENT!" she yelled as she rained punches on his face.

"You vandalized my business!" Mr. Nutsack retorted, lashing out with a firm punch that caught Sunset in the gut. She doubled over, wheezing; Mr. Nutsack rolled out from under her and threw her to the floor, staggering over to where the gun had landed. "Now, you just sit right there, you little bitch, and I'll—"

"FREEZE!"

Sunset and Mr. Nutsack both looked up as two armed police officers rushed into the office. They were followed by a charcoal-skinned, white-haired man in a suit and a short, unassuming woman in a severe skirt and blazer with parched almond skin and stringy, greying brown hair. She held up an identification badge as she stepped out in front of the officers. "Marriet Pones, E.Q. Treasury Department."

"Yes, I know who you are," Mr. Nutsack ground out.

"Right then," Agent Pones said briskly. "Harcourt Fenton Nutsack, I'm placing you under arrest and charging you with money laundering and the manufacture of counterfeit treasury notes. As soon as the extradition papers are in order, it'll be back to Cardhoof for you and your wife to await trial."

Mr. Nutsack scoffed. "Please, Miss Pones. You lot couldn't pin anything on me back in Wooles, and you've got nothing on me—"

"Well, what do we have here?" Sunset said saucily. All eyes turned to her. She had picked up the bag Mr. Nutsack was stuffing when she broke into the office; she dumped it out onto the floor. Thick stacks of colorful pound notes spilled out in an ungainly pile.

"Those are our savings!" Mr. Nutsack blustered.

Agent Pones raised an eyebrow. "Come now, Mr. Nutsack," she said. "Customs would never have allowed this much currency to pass out of the country without alerting the Treasury." She bent down, picked up one of the stacks of notes, pulled loose a twenty, and scrutinzed it carefully, running her fingers along the surface, tilting it under the harsh flourescent light, and shining a small UV light on it. "Well then," she said at length. "Quite a nicely done forgery, Mr. Nutsack, but a fake note is a fake note."

"I, I, I don't know how that got mixed in," Mr. Nutsack said. "I'm sure it's the only one."

"I'm sure," Agent Pones said dryly. "Right, we'll take the lot for evidence. Detective?"

"We're at your disposal, Agent," the police detective said. He frowned at Sunset. "Now, you wouldn't happen to be one Sunset Shimmer, would you?"

"Err...yes?" Sunset said hesitantly.

"She's the one, copper!" Mr. Nutsack thundered, pointing a shaking finger at Sunset. "She's the one what blacked my windows and defaced my sign!"

"Really, Mr. Nutsack, I believe you have more important things to worry about at the moment," Agent Pones said.

The detective frowned. "We can't just...ignore a vandalism complaint," he said. "And, well..." He studied the door frame. "From the look of things, we walked in on a rather violent confrontation."

"This jackass trashed my apartment!" Sunset yelled. "And yesterday he pounded on my door to chew me out for posting a bad review on Burp and he called me a whore!"

"I would NEVER!" Mr. Nutsack scoffed.

"Oh, I think you would," Agent Pones said. She sighed. "Well, your assets here are all seized, of course. And as representative in custody of said assets...Detective, if I say we're not seeking to file charges for vandalism of these premises, would that suffice?"

"It would," the detective said, nodding. "And the break-in and assault?"

Agent Pones smirked. "I see no assault." She nodded to Sunset. "I see a young woman who has been traumatized by a rude, boorish criminal and who will be reimbursed fully the value of all her damaged property."

Sunset let out a relieved sigh. "Thank you," she said.

"No, thank you," Agent Pones said. "Your agitation of this criminal brought his whereabouts to my attention." She favored Mr. Nutsack with a cocked eyebrow. "Really, you are positively the most inept white collar criminal ever, did you know?"

Mr. Nutsack growled something in Woolsh, which led to a further raised eyebrow from Agent Pones.

Sunset shifted awkwardly. "So, umm...can I go now?" she asked. "I really need to check on my apartment, see how bad it is."

"I'd prefer you take an officer with you," the detective said, "and we do need a statement from you, but...go ahead." He frowned. "A word of advice, though? Don't go around committing any more vandalism or...or anything else that'd get you in trouble. You got lucky this time, but all this? This isn't something you want to make a habit of."

"Yes, Detective," Sunset said in a falsely meek, trite voice.

Outside, she found all her friends waiting, looks of concern and alarm on their faces. She smiled at them. "Hey girls," she said. "I...I'm okay now. Sorry I...sorry I..." She sighed. "I'll talk to you later. Gotta take care of my apartment."

* * * * *

Sunset whimpered as she combed through her apartment.

Her furniture was all messed up. Her TV was smashed, as were her gaming systems. Her plants had been upturned, their soil spilled all over the floor. Her books were scattered all over the place—thankfully, she'd had the magic journal on her person all day—and her laptop was wrecked. As the officer with her took pictures of everything, she wandered into the bedroom, where all her clothes had been thrown on the floor. An acrid odor reached her nose, making her wince and draw back. She turned on the overhead light and looked over the clothes strewn about the room. Many of the lighter colored garments had yellow stains.

Her heart sank as she realized what the stench was.

She threw back her head and screamed:

"NUTSAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!"

Sunset Vs. The Yule Log

Author's Note

WARNING: DO NOT read this chapter while eating or if you are easily grossed out/have an overactive gag reflex. You have been warned.

This chapter is loosely based on a true story.

Sunset Vs. The Yule Log

Hearth's Warming Eve dinner with the Sparkle family had been a lavish affair, with all manner of traditional dishes including, to Sunset Shimmer's delight—and later lament—six-layer bean dip. Delight because it had been absolutely delicious.

The lament came much, much later, once Sunset had said her goodbyes, thanked Mrs. Velvet for the wonderful meal, and gone home.

A sound not unlike two swamps eating a third, bigger swamp echoed off the tile walls of Sunset's bathroom, impressively unimpeded by the barrier of orange ass firmly pressed against cheap plastic toilet seat. Sunset's face twisted in a pained grimace, grunting as she strained to birth a continent of crap.

She understood, only now, why Twilight's weird uncle jokingly referred to the bean dip as "The Pipe Cleaner".

Fifteen grueling minutes later, during which Sunset gazed long into the vast infinity of the cosmos and found the answer to everything, the final convulsion of her sphincter heralded the end of the battle. Letting out a heavy, weary sigh, she wiped and flushed. She grabbed her panties and pajama bottoms and stood, pulling them up, then turned to spray some air freshener and close the lid.

She froze, staring into the porcelain basin in dismay, confusion, and horror.

A massive pile of fresh brown crap sat staunchly above the water line, stuck fast to the inside curve of the bowl.

Frowning, Sunset waited for the tank to finish filling, then flushed again. The water in the bowl swirled down the drain and the bowl refilled. The shit stayed, like a brown island on a white sea.

Sunset pulled a face. "Geh." She hovered over the bowl hesitantly, uncertain as to how to proceed. She lifted the seat, took a step back, and contemplated things. She started to reach for the toilet brush, then shook her head, dismissing that notion. That brush was for cleaning the toilet. Getting it all smeared with...with crap would make it unsuited for that purpose.

She then considered using the plunger to dislodge the mudslide of turds. She frowned at the notion of putting the plunger back out on the bathroom floor, smeared in nasty brown crap, forever smelling up the place.

Tentatively, she tried flushing the toilet a third time. Once again, the bowl emptied but left behind a nice, thick patina of her finest work. "Wughaa." With a heavy sigh and a shake of her head, Sunset put down the seat, closed the lid, sprayed air freshener, washed her hands, turned on the bathroom vent fan, and closed the door.

"I'll deal with it in the morning," she decided, shuffling off to her loft bed.

* * * * *

Hearth's Warming Day dawned cold and bright. Sunset yawned and padded to the bathroom, frowning in confusion at her vent fan running. Then she lifted the lid, and her first, most unwelcome present of the day appeared before her. She wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Ugh, that's right," she muttered. Grimacing, she sat down on the toilet, squirming as she peed, then wiped and stood, flushing.

She hoped against hope that the turdmass would finally clear. It didn't. Shoulders sagging, Sunset put the lid down again and washed her hands.

It being the holiday of the year, there was nobody she could turn to for help and no shops open for her to buy anything she needed. Sunset resigned herself to spending the day being confronted with her own leavings anytime she needed to use the bathroom.

She spent the bulk of the day studiously ignoring the problem, texting back and forth with various friends about presents and things, chuckling at selfies they posted, and watching a couple of good movies on television. Late in the afternoon, she got a call from Twilight Sparkle. "Hey, I'm bringing over a care package from my mom and a couple of little presents," Twilight said.

Sunset beamed. "Thanks! You don't have to go to all that trouble."

"It's no trouble. Besides, I've been hanging out with boring old people all day and I need facetime with a friend."

Sunset laughed. "Alright. See you in a bit." Just as she was about to hang up, a sudden flash of inspiration hit. "Hey, Twilight? Bring your geode. I've actually got a little problem over here I could use your magic to help with."

This was going to be utterly humiliating, but if it meant getting rid of that mess in the toilet, Sunset could suffer a little humiliation.

* * * * *

Once Twilight arrived, she and Sunset spent a minute putting away foodstuffs in the fridge and opening little presents, as well as generally chatting. Then, Twilight fingered her geode. "So, what is it you wanted my help with."

Sunset grimaced. "Well...come on, follow me." Sunset led Twilight over to the bathroom and opened the door. "I've got a little...problem," Sunset said, her cheeks red as she gestured to the toilet.

Twilight blinked, then narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms. "Sunset," she said testily, "my name is Twilight Sparkle, not Toilet Sparkle."

"I know that!" Sunset snapped. "It's just..." She shook her head. "Watch." She lifted the lid. The smell wafted up, and Twilight gagged.

"Gah! What—" Twilight's eyes bugged out as her gaze landed on the brown mass clinging to the inside of the bowl. "Oh my GOD, Sunset, what the HELL?!"

"It won't flush down!" Sunset cried, reaching out to flush the handle. Twilight watched the water swirl down and the bowl refill, the turd clump remaining resolutely fixed.

"Huh," Twilight grunted.

"It's been stuck there since last night," Sunset said. "I can't get rid of it."

"That's...gross," Twilight said, pulling a face. Her hands glowed, and the heavy ceramic lid lifted off the tank. She peered inside, frowning as she studied the pressure mechanism and all the bone-dry guts of the toilet. "Well the problem is you're not getting enough flush pressure," she said with a grimace as she replaced the tank cover and stepped back.

"Uh doi," Sunset snarked.

"You're gonna have to call the landlord," Twilight said, shaking her head. "Their contracted plumber obviously screwed up installing this thing."

"I'm not about to call the landlord with this huge turd splattered all over the inside of the toilet!" Sunset cried, throwing up her arms.

"Sunset, that's not a turd. That's a turdslide. It's an assalanche. It's a buttcanic eruption!"

"Hahaha," Sunset deadpanned.

"Seriously, how'd something like that even come out of you?!" Twilight wondered. "Last time I saw a mess like that, it came out of the back end of, well...a horse!"

Sunset raised an eyebrow. "Really."

"...you know what I mean!" Twilight cried, flushing and throwing up her hands. "I'm sorry, I just...I've never gone over to another person's house and witnessed, first-hand, a bowel movement this nasty still sitting in their toilet!" She shook her head. "Why'd you even show me this? What am I supposed to do?"

"Well, I had hoped you'd use your magic to kind of, y'know, shove that shit down into the bottom of the bowl so it'll flush," Sunset said, making a shoving motion with her hands.

Twilight froze, contemplating that. "Ewwwww."

"It's not like I'm asking you to put your hands in it!" Sunset cried. "Just, y'know...force-push it with your magic!"

"That...still sounds like something really gross I don't particularly want to do," Twilight said, sticking her tongue out and crossing her eyes. "I mean, you're my best friend and I love you like a sister, but I don't know if I can wrap my sparkly Equestrian magic around your turds."

Sunset stared at Twilight, eyes tiny green coals of 'I've-had-just-about-enough'. "That...that doesn't make any sense!" she snapped, throwing out a hand to her side. "If I had my unicorn magic, I'd do it without a second thought!"

Twilight crossed her arms. "Then put on some latex gloves and shove it down with your hands," she challenged.

That brought Sunset up short. "What the—" She shuddered. "EWW!"

"Exactly," Twilight said, nodding once, firmly.

The girls stood there for a long moment, completely at an impasse. Finally, Twilight sighed. "I'll call my dad," she said. "He'll have exactly the right tool for this."

"GAH!" Sunset yelped, panicking. "Twilight! It's bad enough you saw this, I don't want your dad seeing—"

"Hey Dad? I'm over at Sunset's place and she's got a toilet problem. Big nasty pile of, ahem, poop that's stuck inside the bowl, won't go down, bad flush pressure. Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah. You do? Cool, thanks!" She hung up. "He'll be here in ten minutes," she announced.

Sunset facepalmed, dragging her hand down her face. "And there goes my dignity," she muttered.

"Which would you rather have, your dignity or Turd Island?"

Sunset groaned. "I hate you so much right now," she said, blowing a raspberry.

* * * * *

Night Light looked around Sunset's apartment with interest. "Hey, nice place you got here," he said. "Do I even wanna know how a teenage girl living on her own can afford a place like this?"

"Long story," Sunset said. "Sorry to drag you all the way over here on Hearth's Warming," she added. She ducked her head and blushed. "Umm. It's kind of nasty in that bathroom..."

"I've seen all kinds of household disasters," Night Light said placatingly. He had a medium-sized indoor pressure washer with him. "Based on what Twiley told me, this should just about do the trick." He headed for the bathroom, the two girls trailing behind him. He stared down into the bowl, then turned back and raised an eyebrow. "Six-layer bean dip?" he asked.

Sunset blushed furiously. "Y-yeah," she said.

Night Light chuckled. "Yeah, Vel's dip'll do it to ya," he said chipperly. "Alright, let's see here..." He set up his equipment and went to work. The girls covered their ears as, with a loud, piercing whine, a thin stream of high-pressure water cut through the congealed crap like a laser beam, slowly pushing the shitty sludge down into the waiting waters of the bowl trap. After almost three solid minutes of intense water pressure, the entire turd mass lay at the bottom of the bowl. Night Light shut off the washer, reached over to the handle, and flushed it.

With a strained gurgle and a blurping, wheezing sound, the toilet cleared, refilling with water that had a faint brown tinge. Night Light watched it fill, then frowned. "Yeah, someone really messed up the installation on this toilet. How long have you had it?"

"Not long," Sunset said. "They put it in about two weeks ago."

Night Light nodded. "Call your landlord as soon as he's back in, this has to be redone."

Sunset sagged in relief. "Thanks, Mr. Night Light," she said.

"Always happy to help," Night Light said, hefting his pressure washer. "Any excuse to use the old water laser!" he added happily, a manic gleam in his eye. "C'mon, Twiley, I'll drive you home."

"Later, Sunset!" Twilight said.

"Bye, Twilight! Remember, not a word of this to anyone!"

"Scout's honor!" Twilight replied, making a two-fingered salute.

* * * * *

The next day...

"Hey Rainbow, what's up?"

Raspy snickering came from the other end. "H-hey there, Sunset Shitter! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaa!"

Sunset facepalmed.