The Last Equestrian Pirate

by ForeverChasingRainbows

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Rarity, Random, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4059

Applejack doesn't believe pirates still exist, Rarity's been reading far too many trashy romance novels, and Cap'n Tractor thinks he's found his next mark. They're all going to be disappointed.

Gather round and witness the tale of the last voyage of the Maple Leaf, with the dread pirate Cap'n Tractor at the helm. A shipment of hay is under threat, but Applejack doesn't believe pirates even still exist - and Rarity has been reading far too many trashy pirate romances.

Everypony is in for a bit of a surprise.

I've had the bloody song stuck in my head for an entire day, okay? Don't judge me. The idea of AJ and Rarity being victims of agricultural piracy just struck me as inherently funny, and I had to get the idea out of my head.

Very definitely inspired by IMMATOONLINK's hilarious Canadian Horse Pirates, itself a video accompaniment to Captain Tractor's cover of the amazing song "The Last Saskatchewan Pirate", originally by the Arrogant Worms.

Published 2016-04-18 21:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-18 21:10:02 UTC

He'll jump the bridge and knock you cold, and sail off with the hay

The mid-morning sun shone down brightly on northern Equestria, banishing the gradually strengthening dawn chill of autumn from the crisp, fresh air. The leaves on the maple trees were just beginning to turn, and farmponies everywhere were preparing for the coming winter.

In the small hay-producing market town of Moose Jaw, two such ponies were making good on a long-standing deal. A cartful of late summer and early fall apples from Sweet Apple Acres exchanged for a cartful of fresh hay, which would shore up the food supply for the Apple family's cows over the winter months. A sea-green stallion with a trio of wheat ears on his flank casually tossed a final squared-off bundle of hay onto his back, before trotting out from behind his humble stall to load it onto a waiting cart.

"You be careful on the road south, y'hear?" cautioned the stallholder as he shouldered the last bale of hay into place on the wagon. The orange-furred mare he was dealing with looked like she could handle herself, but a little caution never hurt anypony. Macintosh Apple he knew, and he was one tough customer, but that didn't necessarily hold for his sister. "There've been rumours of pirates down that way. Few things've been goin' missing from the outlying farms. Wouldn't do f'r a fine young mare like yerself to be fallin' victim to brigands."

Applejack chuckled. "Yer yankin' mah tail," she said, eyeing the other farmpony skeptically as she ducked under the cart's harness. "There ain't been no pirates since mah Granny was a filly. 'Sides, we're crossin' a river, not sailin' the ocean."

"Cap'n Tractor isn't a laughing matter, buddy," the stallion replied reproachfully, almost as if apologising for insisting on his point. "At least tell me y'aren't plannin' on goin' alone there?"

"'Course not," Applejack replied. "I'm due t'be meetin' a couple friends here 'fore I head back south. Mah pal Rarity's been visitin' with her folks up in Vanhoover, and she kindly offered t'keep me comp'ny on the road home. Should be comin' in on the train anytime now."

A shrill whistle rang out across the town, signalling a new arrival at the station. The puffing and clattering of the engine gradually faded into hearing as the train drew closer.

Applejack's head turned toward the sound. "That'll be it, I'm guessin'," she said, turning back to the stallion as she took the strain of the harness across her chest. "Thanks again, sugarcube. An' tell your pa Granny says howdy."

"Oh, you're welcome," the stallion said as the cart began to roll, "and I will. You have a good season, eh? See you in the spring."

***

"Why can't they just connect the train lines up?" Spike protested as he followed Rarity off the train. The pair were travelling light; the pile of baggage in the young dragon's claws was a mere three times his size, and he could almost see around it. "Then we wouldn't have to walk."

"These things take time, Spike," Rarity replied, "The East-West line out of Vanhoover is a relatively recent addition. Just be glad we only have to make our way south to Fillyston from here to get on the Canterlot line. Back in my mother's day this trip would have taken most of a week." She glanced back at the Spike before offering an indulgent grin in response to his pouting. "Come on, it's a lovely day. Let's find Applejack and see if she's got that hay shipment sorted out."

The pair didn't have to search very far for their friend - Applejack was already waiting for them in the street outside the station building, along with a cartload of hay bales. "Hey y'all," she said, raising a hoof in greeting. "Sorry I din't come greet ya on the platform, but I can't pull this here cart in through the buildin' an' it's a bother gettin' in an' out'a this thing." She tapped a hoof against the harness across her chest. "Figured I'd just wait out here."

Rarity smiled. "Oh, of course Applejack. Perfectly reasonable."

"Hey AJ," said the walking pile of baggage.

Applejack whistled, trying to hold off a grin of her own. "So ya only packed th'essentials, then?"

"Actually," the baggage replied, "we picked up a lot of this stuff out there. We found some really nice gem deposits in the hills." Spike's voice turned a little dreamy. "It's so hard to find good sapphires around Ponyville, but they're practically lying around on the ground up there!"

"Anythin' either o' ya wanna do afore we head on out?" Applejack asked, chuckling at the young dragon's enthusiasm.

"No, I don't believe so," Rarity said airily, "we had breakfast on the train, so if you're all set..."

"Alrighty then." Applejack tossed her head back towards the cart. "Stow the bags up in there, Spike. Ain't no sense you carryin' 'em all the way when I got this cart. Should be a little room in back there."

"Really?!" Both ponies shared a grin at the eager hope in Spike's tone.

"Come on, 'fore I change mah mind."

With a little magical assistance from Rarity, soon the pile of baggage had been squeezed into the back of the cart behind the hay. It took all three of them to get the laden cart moving, but Applejack had no trouble keeping it rolling by herself once the wheels began to turn. The trio turned southward, passing through the gradually building bustle of morning in a rural town, and emerged onto the open road. Spike chatted animatedly to Applejack about the things he'd seen and done up in Vanhoover, Rarity talked about her parents and a few new bits of inspiration she'd been struck with on her trip, and Applejack filled the pair in on the latest happenings around Ponyville - at least up until she'd left to travel north the previous morning.

After about half an hour, Spike had almost begun to fall asleep on his feet. Rarity explained he'd been working quite hard gathering gems with her over the last couple of days, and also implied he probably hadn't been getting as much sleep as he should have. Twilight usually rationed his comic book time quite strictly, but Rarity hadn't been able to stomach insisting he stop after he'd done so much hard work for her. Spike, for his own part, would only mutter something about sleep being 'future Spike's problem', while simultaneously cursing 'past Spike' for being an idiot.

After a few minutes resting on Rarity's back, Spike had actually fallen asleep - and would have fallen to the ground as well if Rarity hadn't been quick to catch him. Applejack had, a little reluctantly, agreed to let Spike rest in the cart. She wasn't sure if it was a good idea to mix flammable hay and a sleeping dragon, but he wouldn't add much to the weight and, she reasoned, it was easier than trying to balance his sleeping form on one of their backs.

Some time later, Applejack glanced aside at the wide river running alongside the road. Soon the river would curve off to the east, and the road would continue southward over a large bridge. Thinking of the river summoned something else from her memory, and she grinned. After taking a moment to make sure she could still hear snoring coming from the cart behind her, she quietly said, "Hey, Rare, ya still readin' those swashbucklin' 'adventure' books?" The strength of the innuendo Applejack sank into the word 'adventure' could have demolished buildings.

Rarity immediately flushed red and, as Applejack had done, checked Spike was still asleep. "I-I don't see what that has to do with our current situation," she whispered back, eyes darting about nervously, "but... yes."

"Well ya might be in for a treat," Applejack said salaciously. "You'll never guess what Barleycorn said t'me before we left town." Revelling in Rarity's deepening embarrassment and confusion, she went on, "There's been rumours of pirates in these here parts. You never know, ya might get lucky." Applejack tried to finish with a suggestive wink, but Rarity's angry glare turned it into a laugh instead.

"Really, Applejack," Rarity huffed, "of all the ridiculous things..." Despite the unicorn's protests, Applejack noted that Rarity very obviously drifted off into a world of her own only a moment later.

"Nah, I'm serious," Applejack laughed, "he really did warn me 'bout it." She glanced up and down the river in exaggerated fashion. "We're comin' up on the bridge, make sure ya keep an eye out fer a great big ship hidin' in the river." Her voice started to break up as she continued to laugh at Rarity's discomfort. "Shouldn't be h-hard t'miss, a long, strong piece'a wood... stuffed full of-"

"Applejack!" Rarity exclaimed, scandalised. She had turned so red the earth pony was beginning to think it might be permanent. "For Celestia's sake..."

Applejack's tone turned encouraging. "Aww, c'mon now Rarity! Ya might meet a dashin' rogue, who's just misunderstood an' lookin' fer the right mare to set 'im straight."

Rarity seemed to locate her composure, and turned her nose up with a huff. "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

"Sure ya don't."

"I don't know why I'm just taking this kind of abuse from a mare who baby-talks to her trees." Rarity replied. "Really, Applejack, you should try to make some friends besides deciduous plants."

"Hey," Applejack protested, a little taken aback, "don't you talk 'bout Bloomberg like that. He's practic'ly part o'the family."

Rarity beamed delightedly, as if she'd just been told the most wonderful news. "Oh, so you've finally decided to admit your feelings for one another?"

"Wha- No!" Applejack blustered. "Don't be ridiculous, I ain't marryin' a darn tree."

"Ah!" Rarity gasped wistfully, blue eyes sparkling. "True love cannot be denied. I knew you liked apples darling, but I didn't think you..."—Rarity wiggled her eyebrows suggestively—"liked them, if you know what I mean."

For Rarity, the flushed and slightly horrified expression on Applejack's face at that implication was the perfect vengeance.

"Oh that just ain't right."

***

Applejack braced against the harness and pushed, the stonework beneath her hooves providing the extra grip she needed to drag her heavy load up and over the broad, slightly curved bridge. Without any words needing to be exchanged, Rarity had dropped back behind the cart and was doing what she could to help push. Applejack was grateful for the assistance. Even if Rarity wasn't the strongest pony around, she was still helping. Applejack wasn't sure she could have managed alone with the extra weight from the bags.

"Okay," she called back as the bridge surface levelled out, "we're up, y'can stop pushin' now. Thanks for that." She kept her pace slow. No sense speeding up again yet. Soon the stone would begin curving down towards the far bank, and Applejack focused on the ground as she placed her hooves carefully. She couldn't afford to let the cart get away from her on the downslope, it would roll right on over her.

As a result, she missed both the startled gasp from behind her and the faint sound of wingbeats in the air. Applejack's attention was only diverted at the sensation of a large object passing overhead, just before something blocked out the sun. The slow-moving cart bumped against her backside as she stopped and stared, causing her to stumble a step forward but not pulling her eyes from the sight in front of her. Not a pirate ship, but a pirate airship.

"Applejack?" Rarity's voice was hushed, as if she had stumbled upon a sleeping monster and was desperate not to wake it.

Applejack couldn't believe her eyes. "Uh-huh?" she replied weakly, eyes still fixed on the floating ship blotting out the sun.

"I... I think I should probably be a little more careful what I wish for in future."

The airship was the very image of the tall ships of old, save for the sails being replaced by a large white lenticular balloon. It sat broadside-on to the unfortunate pair, hanging in the sky with several less-than-savoury ponies hanging their heads and forelegs over the side. The vessel almost looked like it could have been seaworthy - the hull was certainly shaped like a sailing ship. Applejack briefly wondered if the crew really had just stuck a balloon onto an actual boat.

The deck and balloon both were festooned in rope rigging, and a large metal anchor hung from a stout cable beside the prow. As the airship settled into place, the anchor dropped to the ground at the far end of the bridge with a heavy clang. Several more ropes from the rigging soon joined it, flung over the ship's rails, and the crew began to descend. Any hope of retreat was quickly cut off by the sound of several pairs of wings flaring, followed by hooves touching down on the stone behind the cart.

Sliding down the anchor cable ahead of the rest of the crew came a tan earth pony, reddish-brown mane and tail streaming behind him as he descended with a cutlass between his teeth and one hoof clamped down atop a black bicorne hat. Leaping off the base of the cable, he landed before Rarity and Applejack at the far end of the bridge. The stallion twirled his blade around one hoof before levelling it at the stunned pair. As more and more of the pirate crew made landfall around him, he voiced but a single demand.

"Stand and deliver, your hay or your life!"

***

Applejack had, inevitably, not gone down without a fight. Unfortunately the numbers were most definitely not on her side and, as much work as Kicky and Bucky had done, the stubborn mare had been thoroughly surrounded before she had even struggled out of the cart harness.

Rarity still couldn't believe the farmpony had pet names for her hind legs, of all things. She would definitely have to use that against Applejack later.

Being the sensible mare that she was, Rarity had of course surrendered immediately. All Applejack had gotten for her efforts was a nasty bump on the head, and Rarity knew she didn't stand a chance of succeeding where the doughty earth pony had failed. For a moment she had been afraid, of course, but naturally the Captain of the ship had proven to be a gentlecolt. She had been bound and her horn muffled, but there had been no rough treatment or... other unsavoury things.

A voice in Rarity's head tittered nervously. It was only their first meeting, after all. No need to go and rush things.

In fact, the ship's captain had passed the time while his crew wrapped a net around the stored hay by talking with her. As it turned out, the pirate captain - who introduced himself as 'the infamous Cap'n Tractor' - was truly an honest pony fallen on hard times. She'd been angry with him at first, of course - they had tied her up, and hurt Applejack - but it had soon become clear that Applejack was merely out cold, and had inflicted a few nasty injuries on some of the crew before being subdued. The Captain had held his crew back from exacting any vengeance upon the unconscious pony, and explained to Rarity that he wasn't the type to hurt other ponies without cause. She'd asked him what had driven him to such a lifestyle, and the pirate had told her a little of his story.

"'Twas a day fit to break me poor heart," the pirate told her, "when they came to throw me off me own father's farm." He sat on the ground next to where Rarity lay bound, his black hat held in his hooves. He stared at it as he spoke, slowly turning it over and over as his freed mane twitched in the autumn breeze. "Worked my hooves to the bone tryin' to make ends meet, but the money just weren't there."

Rarity gasped sympathetically. "Oh, that's just awful. Wasn't there somepony you could turn to for help?"

The hat stopped spinning as the pirate glanced aside at her for momentarily. "No," he said with a bitter chuckle. "I'd spent all me time on that farm, tryin' to save it. Didn't have no friends, and my family was long gone. I tried to find an honest trade, but everywhere I went they turned me away. They all had problems o' their own, and precious little time for a vagabond like me." The Captain raised his head again, eyes taking in the members of his motley crew. "So I decided to make my own way. Find my own family, o' me own choosin'." He stood and placed his hat back atop his head, before sweeping a hoof out wide to indicate the ponies working around him. Stubborn pride strengthened his words as a smile returned to his features, and Rarity felt a shiver race down her spine as his eyes sparkled. "And so we rove the lands we used to own, livin' off what should be ours by rights. Lookin' out fer each other, 'cause nopony else will."

Rarity could only admire his strength of character, to have come through such a painful ordeal with his pride intact. He had stood up to a cruel world in the only way a strong, independent stallion could. Surely he and his crew could be turned from their criminal ways, all she had to do was find some way to convince them. Such a charming and gallant officer would, of course, immediately return to a life of virtue if she could get him to accept her aid. Her aid, and possibly... other things. She almost considered telling them about the gems filling her suitcases, which were currently being left alone in favour of the hay the pirates had been after, but reconsidered.

They are robbing us, after all, she thought. Perhaps I can sell a few of them to replace the hay, so Applejack's cows won't go hungry.

"I do apologise f'r treatin' ye like this," the pirate said as he stood over her, "but... me and my family's gotta eat. Nothin' pers'nal, y'understand?"

Rarity could only nod as her eyes traced the sturdy line of the Captain's jaw, mind dashing off to places that made her insides melt into a warm, happy puddle.

With the net full of hay hauled onto his ship and the crew safely back aboard, it was time for the dashing rogue to make his exit. Gracefully leaping to stand atop his vessel's anchor, the Captain tipped his black hat with a hoof as the other held onto the heavy rope. "Until we meet again, my lady," he said. With a tug on the rope and a roguish wink, the anchor shot upward, carrying him aloft.

Rarity could almost feel her heart fly away with it.

With a creak of wood and a snap of rope and canvas, the airship floating above got under way. As it banked and climbed, the sound of a tin whistle could be heard over the wind, playing a jaunty refrain as Captain and crew celebrated their successful raid. The Captain's voice rang out in triumphant song, the crew cheering in reply as the vessel departed for the freedom of the open skies. The singing faded into the breeze as the ship dwindled into the distance.

Still lying bound on her side, Rarity gazed longingly after the departed vessel. She knew that beneath the Captain's rough exterior there lay a dashing rogue with a heart of gold, just waiting for the right mare to draw it out. He wasn't really a bad pony, he'd just had a run of foul luck. Like a rambunctious colt he needed somepony to help him, to lead him back to the path of civilisation.

It would be rough to begin with, of course - there would be drama, confessions of undying love, stormy breakups and tearful reconciliations. But eventually, true love would reform him into the stallion of her dreams. I was everything she'd dreamed of and more.

Her wistful sigh was rather rudely interrupted by a pained groan, which snapped Rarity back to some semblance of reality. "Applejack!" she called out, shaking herself out of her daydream, "Applejack, are you all right?"

"Rarity? Wha..." came the hazy reply, before Applejack caught sight of her plundered cart. "Oh, son of a- ow!" The inevitable tirade of what Rarity would describe as 'colourful rural argot' was curtailed by another groan. Then Applejack spoke up again, voice tinged with worry. "Rare? Spike? Y'all okay? They din't hurt ya or nothin, did they?" The concern in the farmpony's voice gave way to anger as she struggled to her hooves. "If they did, so help me Celestia I'm gonna pound 'em all flatter'n cider apples!"

"I'm - ugh - a little... tied up at the moment," Rarity quipped, struggling against her bindings, "but otherwise I am unhurt. They wouldn't stoop to harming a lady."

"An' what'm I, chopped parsnips?" Applejack muttered darkly to herself, nursing her bruised head as she moved around the cart towards her friend's voice. At least if Rarity was needling her like that, she wasn't too bad off.

Applejack could hear the grin in Rarity's voice as she replied, "You did kick several of them in the face, dear."

"An' they deserved it too, the varmints," Applejack said emphatically, as she found Rarity lying tied up behind the cart. Relief displaced her anger for the time being as she moved to help. "Okay, hold still," she told her friend, gently gripping the small band encircling Rarity's horn between her hooves, "I gotcha."

She knew the cows were going to be disappointed - they did like a taste of home over the winter - but if a cart of hay was the only price she had to pay to keep her friends safe, Applejack could certainly live with that.

***

Cap'n Tractor and his crew might have gotten away with stealing a shipment of hay - even from one of Princess Twilight Sparkle's best friends - but, to the good Captain's lasting sorrow, hay wasn't the only thing he sailed off with that day.

"Spike? Spike, you can come out now," Rarity called, ducking her head to check under the now-hayless cart. "Spike?"

"I can't see the li'l feller nowhere!" a concerned Applejack called out from the inside of the cart, where she was nosing Rarity's luggage aside to no avail. "Ya don't... ya don't suppose they..."

After a moment of apprehensive silence, Rarity's eyes briefly widened in realisation. Then they narrowed, burning with the intensity of a newborn star as she began to shake in fury.

Applejack peered over the side of the cart. Seeing the unicorn's face, her eyes widened and she took a step back. "Uh, Rarity, we-"

"Why that no-good, low-down, filthy, lying, boorish, despicable, loathsome, vile, degenerate, unsophisticated, back-stabbing, drake-napping... RUFFIAN!"

***

Here ends the tale of the last known voyage of the last Equestrian pirate. Only a day later, the good ship Maple Leaf fell victim to what the official crash investigator's report would call a 'freak cloud strike'. The vessel crash-landed within a mile of a guard unit on routine patrol, and was taken without resistance.

The captured crew's ludicrous claims of an aerial assault by an enraged alicorn - assisted by strikes from storm clouds and ground-based party artillery, and followed up by a monumentally brutal boarding action by six unidentified assailants that teleported aboard ship - were dismissed for the obvious tall tales that they were. Although most of the known crew members were accounted for and placed into custody, Cap'n Tractor himself was not found amongst the wreckage.

Rumours persist that he escaped justice and lived to a ripe old age under an assumed name, sustained by his stashes of ill-gotten booty; others claim he saw the error of his ways and returned to the life of a simple farmer, or tell even wilder tales of his subsequent adventures. None of these stories have ever been substantiated.

The true fate of the last Equestrian pirate may forever remain a mystery.