Coffee Cult Conspiracy

by Rainbowhead

Rating: everyone
Tags: Doctor Whooves, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Noteworthy, Random
Length: 1243

There's just something strange about ponies liking coffee this much.

Some writers describe their characters enjoying their morning coffee way too much. So I went even further with this idea. This is more of a poke at meta, than a standalone story.

Published 2016-04-13 21:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-13 21:50:01 UTC

Mysterious Liquid

The bells above the glass door rang as another half-conscious pony stumbled inside the small coffee shop in the middle of Ponyville.

“Welcome to Second Breath coffee shop!” The unicorn with a white coat cheerfully greeted the new customer from behind the counter, waiting for the mare to make her way closer to him. “What will you have today?”

“The strongest thing you have. Double portion,” she mumbled, visibly putting all the effort into keeping her eyes open. “Please.”

“Double Brain-Buck,” the salespony announced to the barista, “coming right up, ma’am.”

Somewhere in the back a coffee grinder loudly crushed beans into powder, and moments later a small cup of black liquid appeared in front of the mare. She critically eyed the cup size before gulping it down.

The grudge at the world disappeared from her face as the brew kicked in. The sun shone just a little bit brighter and the birds now sang a beautiful song instead of annoying chirps.

There were things to be done today. Things that will unravel the true purpose of life.

“Oh my goodness,” the mare moaned in delight. “I want to marry you,” she grinned, enjoying her brain working at full capacity.

“All credit goes to Strong Brew,” the salespony laughed back. He dramatically leaned closer to her, covering a side of his mouth with a hoof. “He is single, by the way,” he whispered loudly.

“Are you trying to hook me up again?” A dark-brown earth pony with a short cream colored mane poked his head from the workspace behind the counter. A smile on his face betrayed his angry facade.

“I don’t know whatcha talking about,” the unicorn answered with a wide grin.

Meanwhile, Dr. Whooves sat at his table, observing the scene.

“What is the deal with ponies and coffee?” He asked Noteworthy turning back to his table.

Noteworthy put his own cup down and glanced at Whooves. “What do you mean?”

Just as he voiced his question, Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship herself, walked into the coffee shop.

Or, at least, something resembling her. Her mane and tail looked terribly unkempt, as well as her coat, and Whooves thought he noticed a darker spot of drool on her cheek. With wings lazily hanging down from her back, the alicorn stumbled to the counter and muttered, “The usual,” to the salespony, who provided her drink with a polite smile.

The princess sat down at an empty table, completely oblivious to the attention she gathered. After ~~dozing off~~ meditating for a minute over her cup, she finally took a sip of coffee.

Whooves thought that he blinked accidentally. In place of sleep-deprived creature that resembled a proper alicorn now sat fully awake and happily smiling Twilight Sparkle, the one he usually saw around Ponyville.

“See? This isn’t normal!” Whooves whispered to Noteworthy.

“Maybe it’s just sugar and caffeine,” Noteworthy shrugged. “And psychology?” He glanced to the side for a moment. “Yeah, I think I read about it somewhere.”

“There has to be more to it!” Whooves said a bit too loud, drawing unwanted attention to their table. Even the stallion at the counter looked at them… angrily? Whooves sheepishly smiled at everypony .

“Alright, alright,” Noteworthy mumbled through his own awkward smile. Thankfully, ponies around them returned to their own conversations. He sighed and stood up from the table. “Anyway, I have to go. You have fun with… whatever you planning to do now.”

Noteworthy trotted to the counter and waved to the salespony. “Hey, can I get a cappuccino and some muffins to go?”

“Cappuccino and muffins,” the unicorn announced, “coming right up.”

Seconds later, a bag of said muffins and a holder with a cup was placed in front of Noteworthy. Just as he leaned to grab them, he whispered to the unicorn.

“He knows.”

The salespony blinked, acknowledging Noteworthy's message. “Have a nice day, sir,” he replied in the usual happy tone as the earth pony left.

“Hey, Dusty, can you take over for couple minutes? I have to do something really quick.” He asked the grey pegasus, who was currently cleaning an empty table.

“Sure thing,” Dusty answered making his way to the counter.

“Thanks.” The unicorn entered the back door and made sure to lock it behind him.

The carefree smile on the his face was now replaced with a concerned frown. The boss won’t like these news.

He trotted through the narrow corridor past metal shelves stacked with various supplies and stopped at a metal door with a keypad on the wall. As he punched in the code, the door was lifted up, and the unicorn stepped inside.

The door behind him instantly slid down with clicking noises of numerous locks. Rays of red light appeared at the ceiling, forming a sheet, and slowly moved down through the unicorn. As it reached the floor, the lights changed to green, followed by another clicking sound. The stallion felt a weak sense of nausea as the platform he stood on descended underground.

Seconds later, the door in front of him opened, revealing a wide garden chamber. Rows of coffee plants with sprinklers above them and a few workers tending to the farm were separated only by a narrow crossroad in the middle. The unicorn quickly walked forward, ignoring all the curious looks and noise from the machinery and lights above him, stopping at the door at the end of the path.

The camera above the door springed to life and turned to inspect the visitor.

“Come in,” said the voice through the speaker on the wall.

The door opened to reveal a small office. A tall creature in a suit that resembled a minotaur was sitting in a dark leather armchair in front of a decorated wooden desk. The wall behind the creature was dedicated to an enormous detailed map of Equestria with little flags placed at various cities and towns, including Ponyville.

“Boss,” the unicorn greeted the ‘human’, as the creature called itself.

It— He had no fur except for a short shaggy brown mane, and a beard he tended to shave, and for some reason he really liked to wear clothes.

“Hey, Second Breath,” Boss answered, finishing his paperwork and turning all his attention to his visitor. “How is it going?”

“Another pony is getting suspicious, Boss,” Second Breath stated.

Boss sighed, glancing at the pen in his hand, then looking back at the unicorn. “Who is it this time?”

“Doctor Whooves,” Second Breath started to explain. “This stallion… I don’t know about him. He looks like somepony who may get too curious.”

“Ah, that guy,” Boss remembered, leaning back in the armchair and moving his arms behind his head. “Well, let him have fun for now,” he decided. “I doubt he will find out anything important.”

“If you say so,” the unicorn agreed. Though, he still had his concerns.

Boss stayed in the same laid-back pose for a moment, thinking over the possible outcomes of Whooves’ investigation, then leaned forward, placing his hands on the desk.

“I’ll think of what we can do later. Anyway, care for some tea?”

Author's Note

I probably should include 'Human' tag, but an alien from another universe simply fits better as a mastermind. Other than that, the dude has no impact on the story.
About five mugs of coffee were consumed in the process of writing this story.
Also, 'cappuccino' is a really weird word.