101 Interesting Facts About Draconequiby naturalbornderpyChaptersFact 1 - 25Fact 26 - 50Fact 51 - 75Fact 76 - 100Fact 101Fact 1 - 25“Look, girls!” Twilight Sparkle greeted her friends brightly, a brand new book bouncing around inside her aura. “Discord just lent me a new book!” On the carpet of Castle Friendship’s lush library, Rainbow Dash stopped reading from her Wonderbolts’ guidebook to roll her eyes. “No way! Twilight Sparkle excited about a new book? Wake me up when something interesting happens, please.” Taking the barb in stride, Twilight crossed the room to sit in one of her plush chairs by the fireplace. “But this isn’t just any book, Rainbow Dash. It’s a fact book! About draconequi!” Fluttershy strolled towards Twilight with a faint gasp. “Really? Discord never did mention anything about draconequi before… or the fact he even liked or owned books.” “Well, what are you waiting for, Twilight?” Rarity chirped from the sofa. “Open it up and give it a read. I must say I am more than a bit curious to learn what makes creatures like Discord tick.” Twilight gave her a nod. “All right. Let’s see what this thing says.” She then opened the book to read aloud *** 101 Interesting Facts About The Draconequi by Yottall Ton Ciddors 1. Although most draconequi appear to have several holes on their bodies (mouth, ears, nostrils, etc.), there is only one “secret” hole that actually functions the way it’s supposed to. The scientist known as Nobel Thought was the first to make such an odd discovery, when he accidentally went to shake a draconequus' hand only to trip at the last moment and leave his hoof extended as he fell. Until his dying day, Nobel Thought never did use that hoof again. 2. Draconequi have a deep love for ice cream. Namely, other ponies’ ice cream, but only once they’ve purchased it and have yet to take a single bite of the cold delicacy. Draconequi have also been known to purchase Neapolitan ice cream for those close to them and completely devour the chocolate section, thus leaving only vanilla and strawberry for the recipient to grieve over. 3. The creature known as the draconequi was first created when a random pony dropped a single coin in the middle of a busy marketplace, thus causing various animals to charge for the bit and smash into each other hard enough to split reality as we know it and combine into one new and fantastic being. This theory, of course, is entirely speculation, as all first-hoof witnesses were instantly blinded by the initial collision. 4. Although it may go against their “wild and crazy” nature, draconequi do in fact like sitting down and writing lists, so long as said list has a valid reason and purpose to its creation. 5. Most draconequi’s favorite color is standard sky blue followed closely by chartreuse with a dash of amethyst and mauve. Or black. Black goes with most everything. 6. There is only one known recording of a draconequus successfully killing themselves. It involved a draconequus somehow burping, sneezing, and farting all at the same time. It is still unknown whether this self-destruction was intentional or purely by accident. 7. Doctors have said that draconequi have only a single ticklish spot on their entire bodies: their eyeballs. Rarely are draconequi tickled. 8. Doctors have also said that the organs of a draconequi are much different than that of normal creatures. For instance, inside their bodies they have a total of: two livers; four stomachs (one strictly for dessert and sweets); one and a half kidneys; and, a motionless heart the size of a marble that can (on occasion) grow three times its normal size—usually around the holiday season. 9. Most types of peanuts are allergic to draconequi. 10. One poor draconequus forgot to screw his head on one morning and was never able to find it again. So beware when a draconequi offers you head. 11. The yellow in most draconequi’s eyes is caused by them staring directly at the sun. The red pupils are due to the sun staring back at the draconequi in return. 12. A draconequus' favorite beverage is ice water. It is so normal and plain tasting, it shocks the draconequus' digestive system until they start to hallucinate and speak in nothing but rhymes. 13. A draconequus' favorite number is thirteen for obvious reasons. Because it’s higher than twelve and twelve’s a silly and smelly number. 14. All draconequi have one lone mother to call their own. They all hate her the exact same amount and collectively forget her birthday each and every year. 15. A pony once challenged a draconequus to a staring contest. Sadly, even after the pony was defeated in intense eye-staring combat, the draconequus continued to stare at the pony until they passed away over fifty-six years later. The poor pony’s offspring are currently being stared at to this day. 16. There was once a time when draconequi were free to roam the Earth: Last Tuesday. Around lunch time. 17. Draconequi are notoriously good hitchhikers—mostly due to having thumbs. 18. Draconequi refuse to take ‘no’ for an answer, but they will accept ‘Nuh-uh, bro’ as long as it’s said as snidely as possible. 19. It is said that draconequi are up to no good when dark clouds appear in the sky inexplicably during the middle of the day. 20. Most draconequi love listening to rare and unique music not regularly found in Equestria. One such album that was never made and never recorded was “The Sounds of Silence”. You’ve probably never heard of it. 22. Draconequi hate it when lists skip numbers for no reason. 21. That’s better. 23. One hundred and forty years ago, a draconequus famously convinced a naïve colt that they were their imaginary friend and would grant them up to three wishes of their choosing. One schoolhouse fire later and that same colt was sentenced to forty years hard labor deep inside the darkest bowels of Tartarus. That particular draconequus was never heard from again. Probably because they were imaginary. 24. All remaining draconequi in the world are linked by one common goal: thousands of years ago one of them lost their favorite pen and would like it back. Have you seen this pen, perhaps? It has teeth marks on the side. 25. A census taker once tried to test a draconequus. It made for one rather pleasant and fascinating afternoon for all parties involved. Tea was served. Author's Note Best/worst fact so far? Got any draconequi facts of your own? I'd love to hear them! Fact 26 - 50Twilight looked up from the book for the first time since she began reading it aloud. She scratched at the side of her head before facing the rest of her friends, who all had the same bewildered expression as she had. “That…” Rainbow Dash began earnestly. “That was pretty dumb, Twilight. None of these so called ‘draconequi’ facts seemed all that helpful. Or even interesting, really.” “I would have to agree with Rainbow Dash on this one,” Rarity added, holding a timid hoof in the air. “Perhaps it’s just another joke of Discord’s? He does like his jokes.” Twilight gave her friend a nod. “Truthfully, this entire time I was waiting for some big joke to reveal itself, but so far this book reads like any other one. Unless we’re just not getting whatever joke Discord’s trying to make here.” “Uh… girls?” Applejack asked by the castle’s wide windows. “What was that ‘draconequi fact’ that involved black clouds in the sky? Because we got some of them.” The other five mares in the room rushed over to the window to stand beside Applejack. In the sky outside were over a dozen pitch-black clouds, each one looking much nastier than the last. They silently drifted across the sky ominously, blacking out large sections of land with shadow. Rarity chuckled uneasily. “Coincidence perhaps?” Twilight shook her head. “I doubt it. If Discord’s book is even a tiny bit true, then that means he’s up to no good again.” “So we should go stop him, then?” Applejack asked. After a moment of thought, Twilight replied, “If this was the first warning sign in the book, then maybe there’re be more we could learn about. It couldn’t hurt to continue on a little further, could it?” So they did. *** 26. Fool a draconequus once—shame on you. Fool a draconequus twice—shame on them. Fool them a third time? Well, that is “technically” how the first Equestria came to an end… 27. A draconequus once took a mare to court over defamation of character charges. The mare in question had accused the draconequus of letting something “silent but deadly” out in a small enclosed space. The mare later went completely bankrupt from lawyer fees. The draconequus totally did it, too. 28. A pegasus once split a five-minute cab ride with a draconequus in order to save on bits. Derpy Hooves hasn’t been the same since. 29. To share deep and dark secrets with draconequi is a good way of getting them killed. Once a juicy secret has been inserted inside of a draconequus, it forms a tiny black hole that will expand and expand until the draconequus is devoured by it whole. The only known cure to this predicament is by yelling the shared secret as loudly and flamboyantly as possible in the middle of town. Draconequi don’t “enjoy” spilling ponies’ secrets. It’s simply a matter of life and death. 30. A team of draconequi once opened up an amusement park called “Disco-land!” that operated for only a single day. Major complaints included: unfinished rollercoaster tracks; cotton candy made out of eyebrows; complete lack of whimsy; and a “Fun House” ride that took an entire two-and-a-half years to walk through. Five children were conceived inside said “Fun House” by the time their parents escaped. They have since become known as the “Fun House Five”. The “Fun House Five” have promised never to have fun again. 31. A bank check from a notorious draconequus once bounced so hard it landed directly on the moon. That same check now resides safely behind a display case inside of Princess Luna’s personal study. 32. Most draconequi aren’t truthfully as thin as they appear; they just suck in their guts a bit. This fad began immediately after “Tumbleweed the Terrible” made light of a draconequus' protruding love handles. And, as most draconequi would go on to agree, “Love shouldn’t actually exist anywhere on a draconequi—even if it is just a little bit of extra baby fat”. 33. Draconequi have abnormally small packages… 34. …delivered to them every Wednesday and Thursday. 35. Draconequi are very resourceful creatures. If they cannot find anything to sit on within a room, they will simply snap a pony to act as their seat instead. Most ponies are less than amused by this. 36. If a draconequus finishes a story with the phrase “true story”, there is usually a ninety-one percent chance that it was false. True story. *** In mid-read, Twilight looked up from her book for a moment to sneeze. She then wiped at her nose with a tissue. *** 37. Bless you. 38. Never pull on a draconequus' finger, especially when it is offered to you. More often than not, the draconequus will “replace” said finger with another personal appendage most ponies would rather never make contact with. 39. You can always tell when a draconequus is lying when they use complete and full sentences; i.e. every time they speak. 40. The greatest prank a draconequus ever pulled was convincing Equestria that they didn’t exist at all. Five minutes later, they then revealed themselves all over again because no one was paying any attention to them. 41. A draconequus once ate itself whole to get out of a boring dinner party. The following morning, their toilet had absolutely no idea what was going on. 42. Draconequi love stealing and hoarding ponies’ fridges. To this day, no one knows why. 43. Draconequi have a lengthy list of “Best Pony Plots” in all of Equestria. Spots 1 and 2 currently belong to Princess Celestia’s. It’s just that big. 44. A draconequus once spotted a crying child on the street. When asked what the matter was, the child replied, “My house was destroyed by a storm last night and now I have nowhere to live.” Wishing to help the poor child, the draconequus did what any good creature would do. He destroyed the house next to the child’s and watched as another small child exited from the rubble. The draconequus then happily explained, “Look! Now you have someone with the same hobbies as you!” 45. Draconequi rarely play instruments. Rather, they play ponies. Usually like fiddles. 46. You can tell when draconequi are really up to no good when castles start to randomly groan and creak. 47. It was a draconequus that let the dogs out. He’s very sorry about that. 48. A waiter at a restaurant once served a draconequus that complained about having soup in their fly. The waiter went cross-eyed on the spot. 49. Draconequi have only one known weakness: death. 50. To think, it was only sixty-nine years ago that a draconequus became so fed up with Equestria altogether that they moved to the human world to live there permanently. They are currently seeking a career in politics. Author's Note Best/worst fact so far? Love to hear some of your own if you got 'em! Fact 51 - 75Again, Twilight Sparkle glanced up from the book, staring at each one of her friends in turn. “Anything, girls? Any ‘fact’ you think might tell us what Discord is actually up to?” “Well,” Rarity started snidely, “there was that one fact about Celestia’s plot in there.” Applejack shot Rarity a glance. “We’re looking for helpful facts, Rarity. That book did mention something about castles creaking and moaning when draconequi were up to no good. Anyone hear anything so far?” All six mares stopped talking for a moment to listen attentively. During that time, Twilight watched the sea of pitch-black clouds outside expand even larger than before. Fluttershy spoke timidly, “Maybe the castle won’t—” That was when the castle let out an earsplitting groan—almost as if its very foundation were quickly coming undone. Fluttershy shrieked and buried her head in Rainbow Dash’s lap. “No one panic!” Twilight shouted to the shaken mares. “It’s only noise! So far, that’s all we’ve seen of Discord’s so-called plan. Just clouds and noise.” She sighed. “But that also means we need to keep reading more random facts about draconequi in order to fully understand what’s going on around here.” Rainbow Dash blanched. “Seriously?” Twilight flipped the book open again. *** 51. If a tree falls in the woods, can a draconequus hear it? Probably. They were the ones that knocked it over to begin with. 52. Most draconequi smell like a combination of stale candy, armpit sweat, and bad decisions. They work very hard to smell like this daily. 53. Although draconequi pronounce “chaos” the same way as everyone else, they are actually saying it like “khaos”. It makes less sense that way. 54. Every draconequi comes into this world equipped with a built in teddy bear that will read to them at night. What? Not every draconequi fact needs to be weird or mean spirited. 55. At only one point over the course of history did Princess Celestia and Discord share a relationship. As Celestia would later put it: “It was without a doubt the worst millisecond of my life.” 56. Never feed draconequi after midnight. They’ll only end up getting food crumbs all over the bedspread. 57. Draconequi are contractually obligated to forever double dip their chips. 58. If a draconequus cannot think of anything witty to reply to a question with, they will usually kick the shin of the closest pony near to them before running away crying. 59. The creator of the underwear was actually a draconequus. They have since starved to death from extreme lack of sales. 60. A draconequus once ate a child’s bicycle just to prove a point. What was the point, exactly? That they hated children. Quite a bit, in fact. 61. Do draconequi bleed, I hear you ask? Well, of course they do! They bleed pure helium. Makes for hilarious battle scenes. 62. You can tell a draconequus really likes you when they use the soft kind of rope to bind you with. 63. Draconequi rarely have offspring for one very large reason: ponies end up paying more attention to their children than to them. Upon birth, most draconequi children are swiftly transformed into regular ponies and dropped off in the middle of the woods to live out the rest of their lives. It’s not all bad, though. They’re always given a sack lunch before they go. A cheese string and two pudding cups. Sometimes a carton of chocolate milk. 64. You can tell when draconequi are up to “the worst possible thing” when it starts raining cats and dogs outside. 65. It is technically impossible to get a draconequus drunk. In fact, the more alcohol they consume, the more sober they become. As one draconequus put sudden clarity after a night out at a bar: “Ew.” 66. A draconequus once started a ten year war simply by calling someone “fat”. Can you guess who they called fat? Yes. Themselves. It then became a ten year war between the scale and the mirror. 67. Draconequi actually know the cure to every illness ever created. They just aren’t telling. 68. Beware: if you give a stray draconequus a piece of food, there’s a good chance they’ll follow you back home. And once they discover your home, they’ll stuff it into a potato sack to later sell on the black-and-white zebra market. 69. Hehe. 70. A draconequus once infiltrated a changeling hive in search of honey. When no such honey was found, they wondered why they ever bothered at all. 71. Once upon a time, a draconequus laughed so hard he accidentally invented comic sans. He is still being savagely hunted to this day. 72. Life once gave a draconequus a lemon. In return, the draconequus gave the lemon their very own draconequus to have. That’s why lemons are as bitter and sour as they are. 73. During the 76th official Equestria Games, a draconequus competed and won a total of one award—perfect attendance. Worried about losing their award, that draconequus has since never left that same stadium. They are very, very sick of stadium food by this point. 74. A pony once told a draconequus to follow their nose. Oddly enough, it led right to their face. 75. After King Sombra’s rather violent defeat, Princess Celestia and Discord got into a small bidding war over what remained of the tyrannical King’s curved red horn. Following fourteen hours of heated bidding, Discord won the horn by a mere fraction of a bit. He literally nibbled a quarter of a coin off with his teeth in order to win. King Sombra’s horn remains stuck to Discord’s wall to this day, where he hangs up his hat and coat after long days of doing absolutely nothing. Author's Note We're still doing this? Really? Okay. Dranconequi's like toast or something. I dunno. How many more of these? Fact 76 - 100Using a hoof, Twilight Sparkle rubbed at a temple and sighed. “Cats and dogs?” she asked tiredly. All five of the other mares nodded at once, as outside hundreds of small kittens and puppies began descending from the sky, meowing and yipping as they fell. Rarity grimaced. “So this means Discord’s up to the ‘worst possible thing’? I’d hate to see what that means exactly.” “Okay, gang!” Applejack declared. “We need to get to the bottom of this right quick! This ‘fact’ book of Discord’s mentions a lot of facts about hating kids—think Discord might do something to the schoolhouse today? I’d hate for Apple Bloom to get involved in all this craziness.” Rarity grumbled lowly. “Or Sweetie Belle,” Applejack added quickly. “Or Scootaloo… or any kid for that matter.” Twilight’s large castle stopped creaking for a moment, so all six of them could hear a large bang come from somewhere inside the castle. All eyes found Twilight’s again. “That came from the kitchen, I think,” she told them in a hushed tone. “Now I’m getting the feeling everything outside is nothing more than a distraction caused by Discord to trick us. Come on, girls. Let’s finish this once and for all.” In a steady march, the six mares made their way up the dark hall towards the castle’s kitchen. After a moment’s hesitation, Twilight grabbed the book up with her horn. “Couldn’t hurt to finish the list, though, could it?” *** 76. Discord doesn’t actually wear hats and coats. He just created them to have something to hang on Sombra’s horn. It’s much funnier that way. He had a feeling you were wondering about that. 77. Sleepovers with draconequi can be rather tricky business. Some of their worst pranks include: hoof in warm water; shaving cream to the face; and random gender swapping spells. There are very few that can still remember just how beautiful Princess Blueblood used to be. 78. Look behind you. *** Looking up from the book again, Twilight and her friends turned around in the dimly lit hall to find absolutely nothing in sight. Sighing loudly, Twilight muttered, “Now this is just getting ridiculous. Yes, more ridiculous than before.” *** 79. A book just dictated a part of your life. They seem to be very good at that, don’t they? 80. A draconequus once napped for so long, they completely missed out on the Equestrian renaissance. Upon learning of this, they were mostly okay with it. 81. Draconequi will normally refuse to eat sundaes on Sundays or hay fries on Fridays. Same goes for sitting on Saturdays. 82. Discord the draconequus visits Lord Tirek every week in Tartarus like clockwork. He always brings with him fresh cups of spit for Tirek to enjoy. When Tirek isn’t looking, though, Discord will sometimes sneak in mouthfuls of warm tea into his cups. 83. There is a little known “draconequi mating ritual” that few ponies know even exist at all—or until it is far too late. It’s called “making eye contact”, and once the ritual is complete, the draconequus must wed the pony they made eye contact with without hesitation. Tears are a common sight at most draconequus weddings. 84. Draconequi fall asleep to the sounds of their own laughter. They also wake up to the sounds of their own laughter. It means they don’t actually get all that much sleep. 85. Endings are always the best part of long draconequi fact lists. 86. Clown ponies scare all draconequi. They scare everyone, actually. This fact is printed in a book, so it must be true. 87. There is a rumor that draconequi are trying to bring yoga pants back. So far, no one has asked them to do this and so far no one is really looking forward to when they accomplish this goal. 88. A brave warrior once tried to kill a draconequus by pouring boiling hot lithium down their throat. The draconequus went on to survive the ordeal and has since been experiencing an overall better mood than before. 89. It is said that the Equestrian Dark Ages began when a draconequus stubbed his hoof on the edge of a coffee table. Draconequi and coffee tables have been natural enemies ever since. 90. Draconequi have indeed heard of snozzberries and eat them every day on-top of their pancakes. Snozzberries are grown naturally inside the dreams of all dreamers. 91. A draconequus was once tasked by planet invading creatures to name a single thing to save Equestria with. They then explained the dish known as hay fries covered with cheese curds and gravy and Equestria has been safe ever since. 92. No draconequi in the history of time has ever cared about how your day went. But they would just love to tell you how their day went. Usually in excruciating detail. 93. A draconequus once spat a well-chewed piece of pink gum into a mare’s mouth. Eleven months later, the mare known as Pinkie Pie shot out. Or that’s what we’re going with because we honestly have no other clue how she operates the way she does. 94. Less than a day after Princess Luna’s return, a petition was started to get her returned back to the moon for fear that the Princess would steal all their jobs. To this day, only two signatures have been signed: 1. Discord 2. Princess Celestia 95. You ever get the feeling someone’s watching you, so you turn around, but no one’s there? So you say to yourself, “Looks like I’m jumping at shadows again! Time to go start dinner, I guess. Hope those leftovers are still good.” Congratulations! You’ve just met your very first draconequus! 96. Once every thousand years, a draconequi must shed its skin to form a new one around itself. This makes the leftover “draconequi coat” a rather sought after and expensive gift. If caught wearing one of these garments, though, members of PETDBERG (Ponies for the Ethical Treatment of Draconequi, Bears, and Extra Regular Gentlestallions) have been known to vocally exclaim their disdain to such individuals. An effective countermeasure is to point out just how terrible their group’s acronym is. 97. According to nearly all draconequi, Equestria does not actually revolve around the sun. It instead revolves solely around them. The runner-up answer is of course: Celestia’s plot. It’s just that big. 98. Draconequi always bring along extra protection when going out on dates to guarantee no unwanted pregnancies. They always make sure to keep their extra set of socks and sandals close to paw inside their travel bags. 99. Draconequi have the hardest time convincing ponies that meat actually tastes good. In order to solve this problem, some draconequi have been known to shove bits of fried bacon inside of ponies’ hay burgers without their knowledge. It’s amazing how many ponies later asked for seconds. And drool uncontrollably. 100. There is now only one interesting draconequi fact remaining in this book. Author's Note I don't wanna think of anymore facts... please... Fact 101Outside her kitchen area, Twilight stopped and gasped. “What is it, darling?” Rarity asked behind her. “Another paper cut?” Twilight shook her head. “No. The last draconequi fact… fact 101 isn’t in here. It’s like the page was ripped out or something. Discord must have torn it out before giving the book to me. It must be rather important.” Something else banged and scratched inside of Twilight’s kitchen ahead of them. “But I don’t think that matters anymore,” Twilight added. “Spike’s still upstairs, so that means it just has to be Discord in there. Prepare yourselves, girls, I have a feeling this might just become the largest battle we’ve ever faced before.” In the dark hallway, Rarity charged her horn while Applejack got her lasso ready. Rainbow Dash soared into the air while Fluttershy tried to form herself into the tightest ball she could become. Pinkie Pie, meanwhile, bounced on the spot like she usually did. On the count of three, all six mares—Fluttershy being dragged along by Pinkie Pie—raced inside the kitchen area and halted at once. Instantly, Twilight pointed a sharp hoof up at Discord. “Stop what you’re doing right this instant!” Caught unawares, Discord set down the fridge held tight in his arms and cocked a brow at her. “Stopped me from doing what exactly?” “Something…” Twilight began sluggishly. “Something to do with…” “Something down right terrible!” Applejack finished for her, before pursing her lips. Anxiously, she scratched at the back of her head. “You… uh… mind skipping the guessing game and telling us what you’re up to in here? That might save us a little time.” Discord exhaled in disbelief as his shoulder’s slumped. “Seriously? I just gave you a book loaded with draconequi facts and you still don’t realize my master plan?” All six mares shook their heads. Discord leaned on Twilight’s fridge and chuckled. “Why, I’m stealing your fridge, of course! ‘Draconequi fact 42: Draconequi love stealing and hoarding ponies’ fridges.’ Did you even read that far?” He waved a claw and guffawed loudly. “It doesn’t matter anyways. Once I steal Twilight’s fridge, that means I’ll have a total of four fridges! And once I steal another six fridges, that means I’ll have a total of ten whole fridges to call my own!” Fluttershy shuttered at that. “And what happens once you get ten whole fridges?” Discord stopped in mid-laugh to ponder on that. “I have absolutely no idea. Profit, maybe? I dunno. But I’m sure it can’t be good. Anywho, it’s been a long day, so I’ll just be taking this fridge here and getting on my way. Smell you later, Princess!” With that said, Discord grabbed hold of Twilight’s fridge again and rocketed through the ceiling and into the pitch black sky. A moment later, a thin bit of parchment fell through the hole in the roof, singed around the edges. Twilight grabbed it with her aura and read it to herself, hanging her head down. “What does it say, Twilight?” Rarity asked. “It’s the final draconequi fact—fact 101,” Twilight replied dourly. “And?” “Fact 101: Draconequi love making up fake draconequi facts—usually for stupid gullible ponies.” Rainbow Dash snorted. “Sounds about right. But why you look so glum? Weren’t you expecting that the entire time?” Twilight gave a nod, but didn’t raise her head. “Yeah. But it also says he clogged my toilet before he left and took my plunger with him. True story.” Author's Note Okay. Some explanation. I've been meaning to do a micro story for a long time now (a ton of tiny entries that equal a story), but never had any good ideas. So, one day, while sitting down to write a larger chapter of something else, I completely lost all drive. "Another 3-4k of material? I don't wanna. I want something idiotic and short!" So I thought about Discord's fake book in "Any Last Requests?" and decided to write it. "101 facts? Easy! Should be fun!" 18 facts later and you realize how terrible an idea this was. 64 facts later and you start missing your other stories. 101 facts later and you start visiting your parents just to get hugs. Regardless: Best/worst fact? Got one of your own? Come on now. I thought of at least two that weren't completely terrible.
Fact 1 - 25“Look, girls!” Twilight Sparkle greeted her friends brightly, a brand new book bouncing around inside her aura. “Discord just lent me a new book!” On the carpet of Castle Friendship’s lush library, Rainbow Dash stopped reading from her Wonderbolts’ guidebook to roll her eyes. “No way! Twilight Sparkle excited about a new book? Wake me up when something interesting happens, please.” Taking the barb in stride, Twilight crossed the room to sit in one of her plush chairs by the fireplace. “But this isn’t just any book, Rainbow Dash. It’s a fact book! About draconequi!” Fluttershy strolled towards Twilight with a faint gasp. “Really? Discord never did mention anything about draconequi before… or the fact he even liked or owned books.” “Well, what are you waiting for, Twilight?” Rarity chirped from the sofa. “Open it up and give it a read. I must say I am more than a bit curious to learn what makes creatures like Discord tick.” Twilight gave her a nod. “All right. Let’s see what this thing says.” She then opened the book to read aloud *** 101 Interesting Facts About The Draconequi by Yottall Ton Ciddors 1. Although most draconequi appear to have several holes on their bodies (mouth, ears, nostrils, etc.), there is only one “secret” hole that actually functions the way it’s supposed to. The scientist known as Nobel Thought was the first to make such an odd discovery, when he accidentally went to shake a draconequus' hand only to trip at the last moment and leave his hoof extended as he fell. Until his dying day, Nobel Thought never did use that hoof again. 2. Draconequi have a deep love for ice cream. Namely, other ponies’ ice cream, but only once they’ve purchased it and have yet to take a single bite of the cold delicacy. Draconequi have also been known to purchase Neapolitan ice cream for those close to them and completely devour the chocolate section, thus leaving only vanilla and strawberry for the recipient to grieve over. 3. The creature known as the draconequi was first created when a random pony dropped a single coin in the middle of a busy marketplace, thus causing various animals to charge for the bit and smash into each other hard enough to split reality as we know it and combine into one new and fantastic being. This theory, of course, is entirely speculation, as all first-hoof witnesses were instantly blinded by the initial collision. 4. Although it may go against their “wild and crazy” nature, draconequi do in fact like sitting down and writing lists, so long as said list has a valid reason and purpose to its creation. 5. Most draconequi’s favorite color is standard sky blue followed closely by chartreuse with a dash of amethyst and mauve. Or black. Black goes with most everything. 6. There is only one known recording of a draconequus successfully killing themselves. It involved a draconequus somehow burping, sneezing, and farting all at the same time. It is still unknown whether this self-destruction was intentional or purely by accident. 7. Doctors have said that draconequi have only a single ticklish spot on their entire bodies: their eyeballs. Rarely are draconequi tickled. 8. Doctors have also said that the organs of a draconequi are much different than that of normal creatures. For instance, inside their bodies they have a total of: two livers; four stomachs (one strictly for dessert and sweets); one and a half kidneys; and, a motionless heart the size of a marble that can (on occasion) grow three times its normal size—usually around the holiday season. 9. Most types of peanuts are allergic to draconequi. 10. One poor draconequus forgot to screw his head on one morning and was never able to find it again. So beware when a draconequi offers you head. 11. The yellow in most draconequi’s eyes is caused by them staring directly at the sun. The red pupils are due to the sun staring back at the draconequi in return. 12. A draconequus' favorite beverage is ice water. It is so normal and plain tasting, it shocks the draconequus' digestive system until they start to hallucinate and speak in nothing but rhymes. 13. A draconequus' favorite number is thirteen for obvious reasons. Because it’s higher than twelve and twelve’s a silly and smelly number. 14. All draconequi have one lone mother to call their own. They all hate her the exact same amount and collectively forget her birthday each and every year. 15. A pony once challenged a draconequus to a staring contest. Sadly, even after the pony was defeated in intense eye-staring combat, the draconequus continued to stare at the pony until they passed away over fifty-six years later. The poor pony’s offspring are currently being stared at to this day. 16. There was once a time when draconequi were free to roam the Earth: Last Tuesday. Around lunch time. 17. Draconequi are notoriously good hitchhikers—mostly due to having thumbs. 18. Draconequi refuse to take ‘no’ for an answer, but they will accept ‘Nuh-uh, bro’ as long as it’s said as snidely as possible. 19. It is said that draconequi are up to no good when dark clouds appear in the sky inexplicably during the middle of the day. 20. Most draconequi love listening to rare and unique music not regularly found in Equestria. One such album that was never made and never recorded was “The Sounds of Silence”. You’ve probably never heard of it. 22. Draconequi hate it when lists skip numbers for no reason. 21. That’s better. 23. One hundred and forty years ago, a draconequus famously convinced a naïve colt that they were their imaginary friend and would grant them up to three wishes of their choosing. One schoolhouse fire later and that same colt was sentenced to forty years hard labor deep inside the darkest bowels of Tartarus. That particular draconequus was never heard from again. Probably because they were imaginary. 24. All remaining draconequi in the world are linked by one common goal: thousands of years ago one of them lost their favorite pen and would like it back. Have you seen this pen, perhaps? It has teeth marks on the side. 25. A census taker once tried to test a draconequus. It made for one rather pleasant and fascinating afternoon for all parties involved. Tea was served. Author's Note Best/worst fact so far? Got any draconequi facts of your own? I'd love to hear them!
Fact 26 - 50Twilight looked up from the book for the first time since she began reading it aloud. She scratched at the side of her head before facing the rest of her friends, who all had the same bewildered expression as she had. “That…” Rainbow Dash began earnestly. “That was pretty dumb, Twilight. None of these so called ‘draconequi’ facts seemed all that helpful. Or even interesting, really.” “I would have to agree with Rainbow Dash on this one,” Rarity added, holding a timid hoof in the air. “Perhaps it’s just another joke of Discord’s? He does like his jokes.” Twilight gave her friend a nod. “Truthfully, this entire time I was waiting for some big joke to reveal itself, but so far this book reads like any other one. Unless we’re just not getting whatever joke Discord’s trying to make here.” “Uh… girls?” Applejack asked by the castle’s wide windows. “What was that ‘draconequi fact’ that involved black clouds in the sky? Because we got some of them.” The other five mares in the room rushed over to the window to stand beside Applejack. In the sky outside were over a dozen pitch-black clouds, each one looking much nastier than the last. They silently drifted across the sky ominously, blacking out large sections of land with shadow. Rarity chuckled uneasily. “Coincidence perhaps?” Twilight shook her head. “I doubt it. If Discord’s book is even a tiny bit true, then that means he’s up to no good again.” “So we should go stop him, then?” Applejack asked. After a moment of thought, Twilight replied, “If this was the first warning sign in the book, then maybe there’re be more we could learn about. It couldn’t hurt to continue on a little further, could it?” So they did. *** 26. Fool a draconequus once—shame on you. Fool a draconequus twice—shame on them. Fool them a third time? Well, that is “technically” how the first Equestria came to an end… 27. A draconequus once took a mare to court over defamation of character charges. The mare in question had accused the draconequus of letting something “silent but deadly” out in a small enclosed space. The mare later went completely bankrupt from lawyer fees. The draconequus totally did it, too. 28. A pegasus once split a five-minute cab ride with a draconequus in order to save on bits. Derpy Hooves hasn’t been the same since. 29. To share deep and dark secrets with draconequi is a good way of getting them killed. Once a juicy secret has been inserted inside of a draconequus, it forms a tiny black hole that will expand and expand until the draconequus is devoured by it whole. The only known cure to this predicament is by yelling the shared secret as loudly and flamboyantly as possible in the middle of town. Draconequi don’t “enjoy” spilling ponies’ secrets. It’s simply a matter of life and death. 30. A team of draconequi once opened up an amusement park called “Disco-land!” that operated for only a single day. Major complaints included: unfinished rollercoaster tracks; cotton candy made out of eyebrows; complete lack of whimsy; and a “Fun House” ride that took an entire two-and-a-half years to walk through. Five children were conceived inside said “Fun House” by the time their parents escaped. They have since become known as the “Fun House Five”. The “Fun House Five” have promised never to have fun again. 31. A bank check from a notorious draconequus once bounced so hard it landed directly on the moon. That same check now resides safely behind a display case inside of Princess Luna’s personal study. 32. Most draconequi aren’t truthfully as thin as they appear; they just suck in their guts a bit. This fad began immediately after “Tumbleweed the Terrible” made light of a draconequus' protruding love handles. And, as most draconequi would go on to agree, “Love shouldn’t actually exist anywhere on a draconequi—even if it is just a little bit of extra baby fat”. 33. Draconequi have abnormally small packages… 34. …delivered to them every Wednesday and Thursday. 35. Draconequi are very resourceful creatures. If they cannot find anything to sit on within a room, they will simply snap a pony to act as their seat instead. Most ponies are less than amused by this. 36. If a draconequus finishes a story with the phrase “true story”, there is usually a ninety-one percent chance that it was false. True story. *** In mid-read, Twilight looked up from her book for a moment to sneeze. She then wiped at her nose with a tissue. *** 37. Bless you. 38. Never pull on a draconequus' finger, especially when it is offered to you. More often than not, the draconequus will “replace” said finger with another personal appendage most ponies would rather never make contact with. 39. You can always tell when a draconequus is lying when they use complete and full sentences; i.e. every time they speak. 40. The greatest prank a draconequus ever pulled was convincing Equestria that they didn’t exist at all. Five minutes later, they then revealed themselves all over again because no one was paying any attention to them. 41. A draconequus once ate itself whole to get out of a boring dinner party. The following morning, their toilet had absolutely no idea what was going on. 42. Draconequi love stealing and hoarding ponies’ fridges. To this day, no one knows why. 43. Draconequi have a lengthy list of “Best Pony Plots” in all of Equestria. Spots 1 and 2 currently belong to Princess Celestia’s. It’s just that big. 44. A draconequus once spotted a crying child on the street. When asked what the matter was, the child replied, “My house was destroyed by a storm last night and now I have nowhere to live.” Wishing to help the poor child, the draconequus did what any good creature would do. He destroyed the house next to the child’s and watched as another small child exited from the rubble. The draconequus then happily explained, “Look! Now you have someone with the same hobbies as you!” 45. Draconequi rarely play instruments. Rather, they play ponies. Usually like fiddles. 46. You can tell when draconequi are really up to no good when castles start to randomly groan and creak. 47. It was a draconequus that let the dogs out. He’s very sorry about that. 48. A waiter at a restaurant once served a draconequus that complained about having soup in their fly. The waiter went cross-eyed on the spot. 49. Draconequi have only one known weakness: death. 50. To think, it was only sixty-nine years ago that a draconequus became so fed up with Equestria altogether that they moved to the human world to live there permanently. They are currently seeking a career in politics. Author's Note Best/worst fact so far? Love to hear some of your own if you got 'em!
Fact 51 - 75Again, Twilight Sparkle glanced up from the book, staring at each one of her friends in turn. “Anything, girls? Any ‘fact’ you think might tell us what Discord is actually up to?” “Well,” Rarity started snidely, “there was that one fact about Celestia’s plot in there.” Applejack shot Rarity a glance. “We’re looking for helpful facts, Rarity. That book did mention something about castles creaking and moaning when draconequi were up to no good. Anyone hear anything so far?” All six mares stopped talking for a moment to listen attentively. During that time, Twilight watched the sea of pitch-black clouds outside expand even larger than before. Fluttershy spoke timidly, “Maybe the castle won’t—” That was when the castle let out an earsplitting groan—almost as if its very foundation were quickly coming undone. Fluttershy shrieked and buried her head in Rainbow Dash’s lap. “No one panic!” Twilight shouted to the shaken mares. “It’s only noise! So far, that’s all we’ve seen of Discord’s so-called plan. Just clouds and noise.” She sighed. “But that also means we need to keep reading more random facts about draconequi in order to fully understand what’s going on around here.” Rainbow Dash blanched. “Seriously?” Twilight flipped the book open again. *** 51. If a tree falls in the woods, can a draconequus hear it? Probably. They were the ones that knocked it over to begin with. 52. Most draconequi smell like a combination of stale candy, armpit sweat, and bad decisions. They work very hard to smell like this daily. 53. Although draconequi pronounce “chaos” the same way as everyone else, they are actually saying it like “khaos”. It makes less sense that way. 54. Every draconequi comes into this world equipped with a built in teddy bear that will read to them at night. What? Not every draconequi fact needs to be weird or mean spirited. 55. At only one point over the course of history did Princess Celestia and Discord share a relationship. As Celestia would later put it: “It was without a doubt the worst millisecond of my life.” 56. Never feed draconequi after midnight. They’ll only end up getting food crumbs all over the bedspread. 57. Draconequi are contractually obligated to forever double dip their chips. 58. If a draconequus cannot think of anything witty to reply to a question with, they will usually kick the shin of the closest pony near to them before running away crying. 59. The creator of the underwear was actually a draconequus. They have since starved to death from extreme lack of sales. 60. A draconequus once ate a child’s bicycle just to prove a point. What was the point, exactly? That they hated children. Quite a bit, in fact. 61. Do draconequi bleed, I hear you ask? Well, of course they do! They bleed pure helium. Makes for hilarious battle scenes. 62. You can tell a draconequus really likes you when they use the soft kind of rope to bind you with. 63. Draconequi rarely have offspring for one very large reason: ponies end up paying more attention to their children than to them. Upon birth, most draconequi children are swiftly transformed into regular ponies and dropped off in the middle of the woods to live out the rest of their lives. It’s not all bad, though. They’re always given a sack lunch before they go. A cheese string and two pudding cups. Sometimes a carton of chocolate milk. 64. You can tell when draconequi are up to “the worst possible thing” when it starts raining cats and dogs outside. 65. It is technically impossible to get a draconequus drunk. In fact, the more alcohol they consume, the more sober they become. As one draconequus put sudden clarity after a night out at a bar: “Ew.” 66. A draconequus once started a ten year war simply by calling someone “fat”. Can you guess who they called fat? Yes. Themselves. It then became a ten year war between the scale and the mirror. 67. Draconequi actually know the cure to every illness ever created. They just aren’t telling. 68. Beware: if you give a stray draconequus a piece of food, there’s a good chance they’ll follow you back home. And once they discover your home, they’ll stuff it into a potato sack to later sell on the black-and-white zebra market. 69. Hehe. 70. A draconequus once infiltrated a changeling hive in search of honey. When no such honey was found, they wondered why they ever bothered at all. 71. Once upon a time, a draconequus laughed so hard he accidentally invented comic sans. He is still being savagely hunted to this day. 72. Life once gave a draconequus a lemon. In return, the draconequus gave the lemon their very own draconequus to have. That’s why lemons are as bitter and sour as they are. 73. During the 76th official Equestria Games, a draconequus competed and won a total of one award—perfect attendance. Worried about losing their award, that draconequus has since never left that same stadium. They are very, very sick of stadium food by this point. 74. A pony once told a draconequus to follow their nose. Oddly enough, it led right to their face. 75. After King Sombra’s rather violent defeat, Princess Celestia and Discord got into a small bidding war over what remained of the tyrannical King’s curved red horn. Following fourteen hours of heated bidding, Discord won the horn by a mere fraction of a bit. He literally nibbled a quarter of a coin off with his teeth in order to win. King Sombra’s horn remains stuck to Discord’s wall to this day, where he hangs up his hat and coat after long days of doing absolutely nothing. Author's Note We're still doing this? Really? Okay. Dranconequi's like toast or something. I dunno. How many more of these?
Fact 76 - 100Using a hoof, Twilight Sparkle rubbed at a temple and sighed. “Cats and dogs?” she asked tiredly. All five of the other mares nodded at once, as outside hundreds of small kittens and puppies began descending from the sky, meowing and yipping as they fell. Rarity grimaced. “So this means Discord’s up to the ‘worst possible thing’? I’d hate to see what that means exactly.” “Okay, gang!” Applejack declared. “We need to get to the bottom of this right quick! This ‘fact’ book of Discord’s mentions a lot of facts about hating kids—think Discord might do something to the schoolhouse today? I’d hate for Apple Bloom to get involved in all this craziness.” Rarity grumbled lowly. “Or Sweetie Belle,” Applejack added quickly. “Or Scootaloo… or any kid for that matter.” Twilight’s large castle stopped creaking for a moment, so all six of them could hear a large bang come from somewhere inside the castle. All eyes found Twilight’s again. “That came from the kitchen, I think,” she told them in a hushed tone. “Now I’m getting the feeling everything outside is nothing more than a distraction caused by Discord to trick us. Come on, girls. Let’s finish this once and for all.” In a steady march, the six mares made their way up the dark hall towards the castle’s kitchen. After a moment’s hesitation, Twilight grabbed the book up with her horn. “Couldn’t hurt to finish the list, though, could it?” *** 76. Discord doesn’t actually wear hats and coats. He just created them to have something to hang on Sombra’s horn. It’s much funnier that way. He had a feeling you were wondering about that. 77. Sleepovers with draconequi can be rather tricky business. Some of their worst pranks include: hoof in warm water; shaving cream to the face; and random gender swapping spells. There are very few that can still remember just how beautiful Princess Blueblood used to be. 78. Look behind you. *** Looking up from the book again, Twilight and her friends turned around in the dimly lit hall to find absolutely nothing in sight. Sighing loudly, Twilight muttered, “Now this is just getting ridiculous. Yes, more ridiculous than before.” *** 79. A book just dictated a part of your life. They seem to be very good at that, don’t they? 80. A draconequus once napped for so long, they completely missed out on the Equestrian renaissance. Upon learning of this, they were mostly okay with it. 81. Draconequi will normally refuse to eat sundaes on Sundays or hay fries on Fridays. Same goes for sitting on Saturdays. 82. Discord the draconequus visits Lord Tirek every week in Tartarus like clockwork. He always brings with him fresh cups of spit for Tirek to enjoy. When Tirek isn’t looking, though, Discord will sometimes sneak in mouthfuls of warm tea into his cups. 83. There is a little known “draconequi mating ritual” that few ponies know even exist at all—or until it is far too late. It’s called “making eye contact”, and once the ritual is complete, the draconequus must wed the pony they made eye contact with without hesitation. Tears are a common sight at most draconequus weddings. 84. Draconequi fall asleep to the sounds of their own laughter. They also wake up to the sounds of their own laughter. It means they don’t actually get all that much sleep. 85. Endings are always the best part of long draconequi fact lists. 86. Clown ponies scare all draconequi. They scare everyone, actually. This fact is printed in a book, so it must be true. 87. There is a rumor that draconequi are trying to bring yoga pants back. So far, no one has asked them to do this and so far no one is really looking forward to when they accomplish this goal. 88. A brave warrior once tried to kill a draconequus by pouring boiling hot lithium down their throat. The draconequus went on to survive the ordeal and has since been experiencing an overall better mood than before. 89. It is said that the Equestrian Dark Ages began when a draconequus stubbed his hoof on the edge of a coffee table. Draconequi and coffee tables have been natural enemies ever since. 90. Draconequi have indeed heard of snozzberries and eat them every day on-top of their pancakes. Snozzberries are grown naturally inside the dreams of all dreamers. 91. A draconequus was once tasked by planet invading creatures to name a single thing to save Equestria with. They then explained the dish known as hay fries covered with cheese curds and gravy and Equestria has been safe ever since. 92. No draconequi in the history of time has ever cared about how your day went. But they would just love to tell you how their day went. Usually in excruciating detail. 93. A draconequus once spat a well-chewed piece of pink gum into a mare’s mouth. Eleven months later, the mare known as Pinkie Pie shot out. Or that’s what we’re going with because we honestly have no other clue how she operates the way she does. 94. Less than a day after Princess Luna’s return, a petition was started to get her returned back to the moon for fear that the Princess would steal all their jobs. To this day, only two signatures have been signed: 1. Discord 2. Princess Celestia 95. You ever get the feeling someone’s watching you, so you turn around, but no one’s there? So you say to yourself, “Looks like I’m jumping at shadows again! Time to go start dinner, I guess. Hope those leftovers are still good.” Congratulations! You’ve just met your very first draconequus! 96. Once every thousand years, a draconequi must shed its skin to form a new one around itself. This makes the leftover “draconequi coat” a rather sought after and expensive gift. If caught wearing one of these garments, though, members of PETDBERG (Ponies for the Ethical Treatment of Draconequi, Bears, and Extra Regular Gentlestallions) have been known to vocally exclaim their disdain to such individuals. An effective countermeasure is to point out just how terrible their group’s acronym is. 97. According to nearly all draconequi, Equestria does not actually revolve around the sun. It instead revolves solely around them. The runner-up answer is of course: Celestia’s plot. It’s just that big. 98. Draconequi always bring along extra protection when going out on dates to guarantee no unwanted pregnancies. They always make sure to keep their extra set of socks and sandals close to paw inside their travel bags. 99. Draconequi have the hardest time convincing ponies that meat actually tastes good. In order to solve this problem, some draconequi have been known to shove bits of fried bacon inside of ponies’ hay burgers without their knowledge. It’s amazing how many ponies later asked for seconds. And drool uncontrollably. 100. There is now only one interesting draconequi fact remaining in this book. Author's Note I don't wanna think of anymore facts... please...
Fact 101Outside her kitchen area, Twilight stopped and gasped. “What is it, darling?” Rarity asked behind her. “Another paper cut?” Twilight shook her head. “No. The last draconequi fact… fact 101 isn’t in here. It’s like the page was ripped out or something. Discord must have torn it out before giving the book to me. It must be rather important.” Something else banged and scratched inside of Twilight’s kitchen ahead of them. “But I don’t think that matters anymore,” Twilight added. “Spike’s still upstairs, so that means it just has to be Discord in there. Prepare yourselves, girls, I have a feeling this might just become the largest battle we’ve ever faced before.” In the dark hallway, Rarity charged her horn while Applejack got her lasso ready. Rainbow Dash soared into the air while Fluttershy tried to form herself into the tightest ball she could become. Pinkie Pie, meanwhile, bounced on the spot like she usually did. On the count of three, all six mares—Fluttershy being dragged along by Pinkie Pie—raced inside the kitchen area and halted at once. Instantly, Twilight pointed a sharp hoof up at Discord. “Stop what you’re doing right this instant!” Caught unawares, Discord set down the fridge held tight in his arms and cocked a brow at her. “Stopped me from doing what exactly?” “Something…” Twilight began sluggishly. “Something to do with…” “Something down right terrible!” Applejack finished for her, before pursing her lips. Anxiously, she scratched at the back of her head. “You… uh… mind skipping the guessing game and telling us what you’re up to in here? That might save us a little time.” Discord exhaled in disbelief as his shoulder’s slumped. “Seriously? I just gave you a book loaded with draconequi facts and you still don’t realize my master plan?” All six mares shook their heads. Discord leaned on Twilight’s fridge and chuckled. “Why, I’m stealing your fridge, of course! ‘Draconequi fact 42: Draconequi love stealing and hoarding ponies’ fridges.’ Did you even read that far?” He waved a claw and guffawed loudly. “It doesn’t matter anyways. Once I steal Twilight’s fridge, that means I’ll have a total of four fridges! And once I steal another six fridges, that means I’ll have a total of ten whole fridges to call my own!” Fluttershy shuttered at that. “And what happens once you get ten whole fridges?” Discord stopped in mid-laugh to ponder on that. “I have absolutely no idea. Profit, maybe? I dunno. But I’m sure it can’t be good. Anywho, it’s been a long day, so I’ll just be taking this fridge here and getting on my way. Smell you later, Princess!” With that said, Discord grabbed hold of Twilight’s fridge again and rocketed through the ceiling and into the pitch black sky. A moment later, a thin bit of parchment fell through the hole in the roof, singed around the edges. Twilight grabbed it with her aura and read it to herself, hanging her head down. “What does it say, Twilight?” Rarity asked. “It’s the final draconequi fact—fact 101,” Twilight replied dourly. “And?” “Fact 101: Draconequi love making up fake draconequi facts—usually for stupid gullible ponies.” Rainbow Dash snorted. “Sounds about right. But why you look so glum? Weren’t you expecting that the entire time?” Twilight gave a nod, but didn’t raise her head. “Yeah. But it also says he clogged my toilet before he left and took my plunger with him. True story.” Author's Note Okay. Some explanation. I've been meaning to do a micro story for a long time now (a ton of tiny entries that equal a story), but never had any good ideas. So, one day, while sitting down to write a larger chapter of something else, I completely lost all drive. "Another 3-4k of material? I don't wanna. I want something idiotic and short!" So I thought about Discord's fake book in "Any Last Requests?" and decided to write it. "101 facts? Easy! Should be fun!" 18 facts later and you realize how terrible an idea this was. 64 facts later and you start missing your other stories. 101 facts later and you start visiting your parents just to get hugs. Regardless: Best/worst fact? Got one of your own? Come on now. I thought of at least two that weren't completely terrible.
