Chapter 1: Or, "Talk about asylum demons!" ;)
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Dank Lols: Prepare to Cry Edition
Chapter 1: Or, "Talk about asylum demons!" ;)
"Wow, this game sure is hard," said Dark Soul as he rolled over and over again, as he is wont to do. He was so busy dodging a big chaos demon dragon zombie ember lord, that he hardly even had time to complain. "These bosses are retarded bullshit, the controls are clunky, and the whole game is intentionally misleading to get you to die just because." He did have time, though, but hardly.
Then he went up and smacked the monster with his oversized weapon, finally slaying the beast. "Wow, I'm basically MLG pro because I can solve simple puzzles in a single-player game," he commended himself. However, the boss wasn't finished. It still had a whole other phase, and it got up and one-shot him with a new ability.
"Damn, I should have spammed roll harder," Dark Soul said as he cried at the bonfire. This game was just too hard and scary for him, he really wished someone would come and magically take him to another dimension that was happy or something.
Then, suddenly, a red man appeared and killed him. Dark Soul revived and cried even harder. "Oh no, the PVP in this game is way too epic for me, I'm such a noob." Dark Soul just didn't know what to do, other than farming more souls from zombies and stuff because that totally makes sense from a scientific standpoint(sarcasm).
He was about to teleport to another bonfire, when he realized he could just teleport to Equestria instead and accelerate the plot. Dark Soul shrugged and went for it.
Meanwhile, in Equestria. "Twilight," Celestia said, not too sweet, just like Angry Orchard Hard Cider, "why'd you start a bonfire in my room?"
"I've been playing Dark Souls 3 since it came out and I only play games that everyone else is playing, like Call of Duty and The Witcher, and in that you totally rest at bonfires and stuff," Twilight explained, pushing her glasses up on her nose with one finger, causing them to briefly shine.
"Oh Twilight, you're so young and impressionable. Thankfully none of those games are violent or you'd probably be a murderer by now," Celestia joked, knowing full-well that Twilight already was a murderer. She'd killed like 50 villains at least. Also, the live studio audience laughed.
Just then, Dark Soul appeared inside the fireplace, just like Krumpus which I watched last night with my little sister. He immediately burst into flames. "Why'd you build the bonfire in the fireplace?!?! That's so random xD!" Yelled Dark Soul as he stopped, dropped, and rolled. He was used to randomly bursting into flames, and similar situations, so he wasn't really too upset.
"Wow, I knew Dark Souls was real," Twilight commented as she watched Dark Soul roll around, ruining the nice rug. "Next I'll prove that anime is real too!"
After a few seconds, the fire went out, and Dark Soul stood up. "No, it's 'Dark Soul', there's no 's' on the end, you tiny horse."
Celestia's face immediately scrunched up like a tissue after I've cummed into it. "That's 'little pony' to you, pal!"
"Celetia please, you're embarrasing me," Twilight complained like a teenage girl. She then bowed down and kissed Dark Soul's boots. "I love you sooooo much Dark Souls, will you marry me?"
Dark Soul shrugged, kinda peeved that she'd gotten his name wrong again, but he didn't care so long as it got him some hot, horse booty. After all, Dark Soul is both into bestiality and pedophilia, which is why he was in hell to begin with. "Alright."
But taking is too easy. "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends," she explained.
"Yeah," Celestia agreed. "Make it last forever, friendship never ends."
"Well, where are your friends?" Dark Soul wondered.
"They're in Ponyville," Twilight explained. "In the highest room, in the largest keep, in the the tallest tower. To get there you have to go across the river, through the forest, and over the big red hill."
Dark Soul nodded, seeing that he now had an epic quest to go on. And surely there wouldn't be any monsters to threaten him here. "Alright then, I'm off," Dark Soul announced as he walked through the double doors, however, that was right off the balcony. "Oooooh nooooo," he screamed as he fell to the ground and shattered into a thousand pieces.
It had been three weeks, and Twilight had finally finished gluing all the pieces of Dark Soul back together. Maybe she'd gotten a few things wrong, and certainly a piece was missing here and there, but it was good enough. Without wasting any more time, she used a phoenix down to bring him back to life. "Oh jeez, I thought I was a goner!"
Twilight laughed, then cried and hugged him. "Please don't ever leave me again, Dark Souls, I love you so much."
"It's just 'Dark Soul'," he tried to explain, but she had her ears pressed into his sweaty armpit. He simply sighed and decided it wasn't important. "So does that mean we can get married now?"
Twilight looked at him, her eyes narrowing until he could see clearly into her skull cavity. "No way Jose, don't think you can get out of your quest that easily. If you don't get with my friends how will I know you're truly the right video game character for me?"
Dark Soul looked away, ashamed that he'd even suggested such a thing. "B-but, what if they don't like me," he continued anyway, getting real nervous in the service.
"Of course they'll like you," Twilight soothed. "Only people with good taste wouldn't like you, and we're all magic cartoon horses, so of course we have shit taste."
Dark Soul breathed a sigh of relief. Twilight sure knew how to ease his worries, and he smiled at her through his helmet, deciding he really wanted to get to know this tiny horse better. "So, what animemes do you like?"
"Naruto, Bleech and One Piece, of course," Twilight said with a blush, realizing that she was such a weeb. Dark Soul knew and loved all those shows because he is totally a huge anime fan.
"I really like Dragon Ball Z and Fairy Tail," he explained, revealing that he was just as retarded and degenerate as Twilight, which caused her to blush.
"Wow, you really are the perfect video game character for me," Twilight lamented, taking a swig from her Mountain Dew, "I can't wait until we're married and living together in my castle."
Now Dark Soul got $'s in his eyes, "you're rich too, Twilight?!"
Twilight nodded. Of course she was rich, she was a princess. "I'm actually kind of a big deal in this country," she bragged.
A blush spread across Dark Soul's helmet as he realized he was swooning. Nothing could possibly be more romantic than money, making Twilight a real romantic gal. "I swear I'm gonna get with your friends, and then I'm gonna come back here and marry you," Dark Soul yelled as he ran off, ready to start his adventure. Unfortunately, he ran right off the edge of Canterlot.
It had been three weeks, and Twilight had finally finished gluing all the pieces of Dark Soul back together. Maybe she'd gotten a few things wrong, and certainly a piece was missing here and there, but it was good enough. Without wasting any more time, she used a phoenix down to bring him back to life.
"Jeez, we've gotta stop meeting like this," Dark Soul joked, but Twilight couldn't hear him because her ear was absorbing sweat from his armpit again.
"There's gotta be a better way!" Twilight insisted, not happy with his idea of jumping off the balcony.
"Hey, I'll get it eventually. That's what my games are all about, figuring out dumb mechanics by dying to them randomly," he persuaded as he got up, ready to run off the balcony for a third time. This time, however, he was confident he could land on the little ledge he saw outside.
"Hold your horses," Twilight halted him, and he picked Celestia and Luna up off the floor, "How about I just teleport you there instead?"
Dark Soul's face scrunched up like a tissue after I've finished cumming in it, and he gave Twilight the most sour look he could manage, what with having a face-covering helmet. "B-but, then I won't have a proper adventure."
"Yeah, but this story is already over a thousand words and the author is lazy as fuck, so it's better this way," she incested as her horn lit up with unholy magic and also she got fucked by her brother from behind. "See you after you get with my friends."
And with that said, she cast Dark Soul into the void, where he twirled off towards Ponyville. An indefinite amount of time later, he flopped out of a magical portal and landed directly on a gray horse with a crunch. He stood up, and admired his handy work, seeing that he'd broken the poor, innocent pony's spine.
"Oh no, what have I done? I have committed murder most fowl. What will I do?!" He started crying, but no one could tell because he had a helmet.
"Oh wow, nice job," shouted another pony. He turned and saw that it was a pink one. "That was Derpy, the most notorious and wanted villain in all of Equestria."
"Wow," Dark Soul remarked. "I'm really amazing aren't I? What was she wanted for?"
"She escaped euthanization. Retards are banned in Equestria. Only the most intellectual, and mentally-advanced ponies are allowed to survive and breed, so our race is both scientifically gifted and technologically advanced. We introduce our children to Rick & Morty at a very young age," she explained.
"Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun!" Dark Soul announced, only for the pink pony's eyes to dilate in rage.
"Fun? There's no fun here!" Then she recognized him. "Oh cool, you're Dark Souls, from the signature game Dark Souls. Wow, I love your games. They're not fun at all."
"Oh shucks," Dark Soul gushed, forgetting to correct her about his name. In fact, he was pretty much already seduced by this pink pony. It wasn't every day he got a compliment from a cute girl. Especially not a cute pony girl. Then he remembered his whole reason for being here.
"Hey, you wouldn't happen to know a stand-up gal by the name of Twilight Sparkle, would ya?"
The pink pony's eyes lit up as the ghost living in her brain shed its ectoplasm into the atmosphere, and also she nodded her head 'yes'. "Yeah, I'm friends with pretty much everyhorse," she explained. "Except Derpy, because she's both retarded and dead."
Dark Soul did a little victory dance, realizing he was halfway done with his quest. He just needed to get with one more of Twilight's friends, whatever the heck that means, and then he'd be done. 'Friends' is plural, after all, so it implies anything greater than or equal to two.
"Hey, know any other of Twilight's friends?" Dark Soul was hoping this would be easy so he could marry Twilight Sparkle already. Also he put down Celestia and Luna finally, and they both ran off into the woods, finally free.
"Actually, all of Twilight's other friends are dead. Also she's dead. She's been dead for over ten thousand years!" Pinkie Pie explained, I mean the pink pony explained. "Also my name is Pinkie Pie," introduced Pinkie Pie. "Derpy was actually the last living pony, and I was hunting her to destroy her so she couldn't lay her eggs when you showed up and finished the job. All other ponies died off when they enacted a law that only allowed intellectual ponies to live."
"What, but that means, oh no! I was in that portal for over ten thooooousand years!" He put his arms up, trying to praise the sun, but there was no sun on this misbegotten planet. "Maybe I'm still in hell for real. But wait, if you're not a pony, what are you?"
"I'm a pony-like AI unit that traveled back in time to study why ponies went extinct and to prevent the catastrophe that would lead to their downfall but eventually I became corrupted and contributed to the extinction of their species or something," Pinkie Pie told him.
"But now that you've killed all the ponies, what are you going to do?" Dark Soul asked.
"I don't know. Now that Twilight Sparkle is dead, what are you gonna do?"
Dark Soul thought about it for several minutes. Minutes turned into hours, hours to days, days to years, years to more years. Then, he got an idea. An awful idea. Dark Soul got a wonderful, awful idea, and instead of answering her question and actually using critical thinking, he rolled away into the sunset.
The End?
