A Flim Flam Family Affair

by bookplayer

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Flim and Flam, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack
Length: 4795

Flim has a stroke of good fortune. Princess Twilight and her new wife Applejack desperately require his signature on some very important paperwork. Oh yeah, and there's a foal involved too. Not that that really matters...

Flim has a golden ticket. Princess Twilight and her new wife Applejack desperately require his signature on some very important paperwork. Obviously this is the sort of thing that should be worth quite a lot of bits up front, with the potential for favors at some point in the future. Flim and Flam hold all the cards, and there's no way this could go wrong.

Oh yeah, and there's a foal involved too. Not that that really matters.

Written for the Writeoff Association's prompt "A Matter of Perspective."

Published 2016-05-17 19:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-17 19:40:01 UTC

The Difference Between "Priceless" and "Worthless"

The faded red and green wagon was parked haphazardly on the edge of a dirt road, just outside of a forest. A make-shift camp was set up, and Flim lay on the ground, staring at the clouds in the sky, while Flam sat leaning against a wagon wheel in front of the fire, idly smoothing his mustache with a hoof.

Flam’s magic floated a log onto the fire. "I like the buffalo. Magic buffalo cures, it has a nice ring to it."

"You really want some buffalo tribe to find out we’ve been using them to make a few bits?" Flim raised an eyebrow, not bothering to look at his brother.

"That’s highly unlikely. They don’t have much business with ponies."

"Highly unlikely but highly dangerous. They don’t have much business with ponies because they don’t fit inside of buildings," Flim pointed out, rolling his eyes. His brother might have the brains, but when it came to street smarts he was about as effective as a genuine magic buffalo cure.

Flam considered that for a moment. "How fast do they run?"

"I suppose that’s an important piece of information at this juncture." Flim furrowed his brow in thought.

"Is there a town with a library we can set hoof in?" Flam frowned.

"That depends on if they know we’re—" Flim squinted at the sky, where a dark dot was circling over. "What’s that?"

The dot grew larger and more pony-shaped as it stopped its circle and headed towards the ground where they were camped.

Flam put a hoof to the edge of his boater to shade the sun. "It looks like—"

"A mail pony!" Flim finished, as the blue shirt and hat on the pegasus came into focus.

The brothers looked at each other then jumped to their hooves. Flim’s magic dumped a bucket of water on the fire, while Flam gathered a foreleg full of their personal — and potentially identifying — items from around camp and raced into the wagon. Flim hurried behind him, then they locked and barred the door.

Inside the wagon was dark, but Flam lit his horn. In the green glow it seemed more claustrophobic than usual, packed with boxes of their last few products, a sales stall, posters and banners and bullhorns. There was barely room for the two of them as they stood pressed together in the narrow space between objects.

They were silent and frozen inside for several long moments before a knock sounded at the door. Neither brother moved.

After a pause it sounded again. Then a stallion’s voice followed, "I know you’re in there. I saw you from the air."

A quick, silent conversation took place between the two unicorns, and finally Flim called out, "Who’s there?"

"Top Priority, Equestria mail service," the stallion answered. "Are you Mister… Flim?"

"Absolutely not," Flim said. "I am offended that you would think I have anything to do with that scoundrel."

"It’s painted on the side of your cart."

"That’s a very interesting story—" Flam started, but the pegasus cut him off.

"Look, I’m just trying to deliver a letter."

Flim cleared his throat. "We don’t accept bills, summons, subpoenas, or other legal documents—"

"Against our religion, you see," added Flam.

Flim went on, "So if you’ll kindly—"

"It’s just a letter. From Princess Twilight Sparkle."

With no idea why the Princess of Friendship might be sending him a letter, Flim raised an eyebrow at his brother. Flam just shrugged.

"Never heard of her," said Flim.

"She’s the pony who wrote you a letter," suggested the mail pony.

"Will accepting this letter in any way lead to my brother, and-or myself, getting arrested?" Flim asked.

"Uh, I don’t think so. It’s just a letter."

"Well…" Flim looked to Flam.

"Okay…" Flam said, nodding.

"I suppose we can accept… a letter." Flam opened the door, and the beige pegasus in a mail pony uniform presented a letter on the flat of his hoof.

Flim took the letter in his magic and stepped out of the dark cart, into the sunlight. "Thank you very much."

Flam stepped out after him, smiling at the pegasus. "It’s been a pleasure doing business with you."

Opening the letter, Flim started to read it as he barely listened to the rest of the conversation between his brother and the pony.

"Oh, before you go, would you be interested in purchasing a genuine buffalo magical charm? It promotes good luck, financial success, an active love life—"

"How much?"

"We aren’t sure yet, we haven’t made them. What would you pay?"

Flim’s eyes went wide at the paper in front of him. "Brother!"

"Never mind," Flam said to the pegasus, giving him a slap on the back. "If you’ll excuse us…"

The pegasus looked between them, gave a shrug, and took off into the sky.

Flam turned to Flim. "So, what have you found in that missive?"

Flim grinned. "Well, Brother of Mine, last time we were in Ponyville there was this mare—"

"There’s always a mare," Flam said, rolling his eyes.

"And this particular mare happened to be the cousin of our good friend Applejack..."

Flam’s eyebrow went up. "So we’re avoiding Ponyville."

"And our good friend Applejack got married to Princess Twilight Sparkle..."

At that Flam raised both eyebrows. "We’re avoiding all of Equestria?"

"Who, in her infinite friendliness and honesty, sent word that a foal was born of my little rendezvous, and that she and Applejack have taken him in. According to this, we’re invited to her palace where they hope to tie up loose ends and have me sign the adoption papers." Flim smirked and leaned against the wagon.

Silence fell upon the camp as that sank in. Finally, Flam spoke. "Brother, have I ever told you you have impressive taste in mares?"

Flim gave a laugh. "I believe you usually imply the opposite, Brother."

A grin spread across Flam’s face. "We have an in with a princess!"

"Planning is so much easier when opportunity falls in your lap."

Flam nodded. "I’m thinking a simple monthly fee—"

"—Deposited to a bank outside of Equestria—" Flim added.

"To start with."

Flim shook his head. "Let’s not get greedy, Brother. We don’t want to end up with a kid."

"They’re mares with a baby." Flam smirked. "They’d rather part with all the bits in Equestria than that smelly little thing."

Flim carefully folded the letter and tucked it in his breast pocket. "I have to say, this sounds like our most lucrative business venture yet."

"So what are we waiting for?" Flam said, his magic tossing everything that was left of the camp into the cart. "To Ponyville!"

The rushed trip to Ponyville left them little time for trouble along the way, and they arrived just a few days later. They parked the wagon safely outside of town, to avoid the citations and dissatisfied customers they often encountered within town limits, and made their way through the quiet streets of the small town. A few ponies eyed them suspiciously, but nopony pulled out the torches and pitchforks. Flim assumed they didn’t usually bring them along when they went out shopping.

As they passed the local bakery with its gingerbread trim, Flam nodded to the quaint, thatched-roof buildings across the street. "This is a nice town. It feels... homey."

"We’ll buy Mother a house here with our profits," Flim said.

Flam considered that. "Let’s see how her parole hearing goes."

"It’s in June. I hate Fillydephia in the summer." Flim frowned. There was no question they’d be going, their mother had raised them well. It wouldn’t do to miss a parole hearing unless one had a recent warrant.

"We’ll never have to go again if our ship comes in. In Fillydelphia or anywhere else," Flam pointed out.

Flim furrowed his brows. "Are you suggesting we’ll be going straight?"

"With a reliable source of income, why not?" Flam shrugged. "It’s difficult to spend large amounts of money in jail."

"I don’t know what I would do with myself," Flim said, shaking his head.

"Well, we could… live a life of leisure," Flam suggested.

"I suppose we could fit in a little more leisure," Flim agreed doubtfully. Their particular line of work was never heavy on the work part to begin with. "We could travel."

"We already travel." Flam raised an eyebrow. "We could buy things?"

"Salesponies are all con artists." Flim frowned at the normal ponies lining up at market stalls. He wondered why he’d never considered what he’d do if one of their business ventures was actually successful.

Flam sighed. "I guess I could set up a workshop."

"You had a workshop," Flim pointed out.

"Yes." Flam nodded. "Had. Past tense, indicating something I no longer have."

"The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy was a fine invention," Flim said, giving his brother a pat on the shoulder. He knew it was a delicate subject for Flam.

"I really thought that was our ticket." Flam sighed. "Perhaps if we’d been more reasonable with our licensing agreements. Perhaps if we’d been less ambitious with our claims. Perhaps if we’d been less... greedy?"

Flim raised an eyebrow. "I’m not sure what you mean. We were merely trying to acquire the proper compensation for your genius, Brother. That machine was a marvel of magical technology that would have made the ponies at Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns jealous."

Flam chuckled. "I bet it would have if I’d gone."

Flim looked down.

Flam smiled and nudged him. "But how could I have, when there was no place for my talented and esteemed brother?"

"You flatter me, Brother." Flim gave a half-smile. "But I’d say we’ve made a good go of it."

They slowed to a stop. In front of them stood a huge crystal tree, with a golden door at the base and a castle perched on top. Flim looked up, and up, and up at it. An awful lot of bits would fit in a castle like that, and he hoped to extract as many as he could.

Flam gave Flim an excited grin, clearly thinking along the same lines. "A very good go, I’d say."

They bumped hooves, then walked up to the front door.

Their knock was answered by a small purple dragon, who led them through crystal halls into an elegant dining room, then left to find Princess Twilight and Applejack. Flim sat down at the large round table in the center and put his rear hooves up on it, while Flam examined the silk curtains.

It wasn't long before the door opened again. Flim heard a pony clear her throat behind him and looked over his shoulder. Applejack was standing there with the throat-clearer, a purple alicorn who looked vaguely familiar.

"You must be Princess Twilight!" Flam said, walking over to them and holding out his hoof. "And Applejack, of course, congratulations on the nuptials."

"We sent a gift, but it must have been lost in the mail," Flim added.

Princess Twilight frowned and shook Flam's hoof, while Applejack very clearly ignored it and walked over to the table. She gave Flim’s rear legs a shove, knocking them off of the table, before seating herself opposite him with a glare.

"Funny how ya' know that."

"Thank you for coming, gentlecolts," Princess Twilight said. She didn't look thankful, but her face was all business as she walked around the table and seated herself next to Applejack. "I hope this won't take long. As I said in my letter, Apple Fritter had a foal and named Mr. Flim here as the father. After a lot of thought, she decided it would be best for her to move to Appleloosa and put this affair behind her. We agreed to adopt the foal and just need Mr. Flim’s signature to make sure everything is in order. Do you have any questions?"

Flim leaned forward over the table and pressed his hooves together. Almost instantly Flam was sitting next to him, in exactly the same position. The brothers wore identical smirks.

"We did have a few inquiries." Flim tapped the tips of his hooves.

"Some blanks to be filled in," Flam added.

"For example," Flim pursed his lips and raised an eyebrow. "How do we know you have the means to care for a foal?"

Applejack fixed him with a stare so flat a carpenter would have been proud. "She's a Princess of Equestria."

"Is that a lucrative position?" Flam asked, feigning innocence as he raised his eyebrows.

Flim cocked his head. "Exactly how much does it pay?"

Princess Twilight shook her head. "I don't think that's necessary to go into. Applejack and I are very comfortable, and we'll have no problem supporting a foal."

"And even if Twilight wasn't a princess, y'all know I got some bits in my farm, ‘cause y'all keep tryin' to steal 'em," Applejack added, narrowing her eyes.

Flim gave his most charming smile. "'Steal' is such an ugly—"

Flam cut in, "—and technically inaccurate—"

"— word. We prefer 'creatively acquire.'"

Applejack’s glare remained unchanged. "Well I'd prefer seein' y'all hogtied and—"

"Let me handle this," Princess Twilight said, giving Applejack a disapproving look.

After throwing one last glare at the brothers, Applejack’s face softened as she looked back to Princess Twilight. "Sorry, sugarcube."

Princess Twilight gave her a nuzzle. Then she straightened and turned to Flim. "We have money. We can give this foal a good life. Any other questions?"

Flim took a breath. "Since you and Applejack are so comfortable, and we're sure your son wouldn't want his father to be uncomfortable, why don't we discuss some arrangement to that end?"

Applejack snorted. "Knew it."

"We can offer you one hundred bits to compensate you for travel expenses for your trip here," Princess Twilight said firmly.

"A hundred bits?" Flim gave a laugh.

"Are you kidding?" Flam asked with a grin.

"You're asking me to sign over my only son—"

"—his pride and joy—"

"—For one hundred bits?" Flim finished.

Applejack stood to her rear hooves, pounding the table with a forehoof. "You ain't even seen him! You left Fritter in that state and didn't even look back!"

"AJ!" Princess Twilight snapped, and Applejack sank back to her seat then crossed her forelegs, still glowering at the brothers.

Princess Twilight went on, "The hundred bits is not for the colt, it's for your expenses. You shouldn't expect anything for the colt. If you have the means and ability to give him the sort of life you think a foal should have, you're free to do that. If not, you should be grateful to have loving ponies who want to raise him well and do their best for him."

Flim smiled and shook his head. "With all due respect, Princess, let's be reasonable here. I technically have a right to something you want. Surely I deserve to be compensated for giving it to you?"

Princess Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Do you realize you're talking about selling a pony? Your own son?"

Flim’s collar suddenly felt tight, giving him an uneasy feeling. He adjusted it, unsure what to say.

Luckily, Flam spoke up, "Not at all! It’s simply something to ease the heartbreak of leaving behind a loved one."

Flam nudged Flim, who looked down and removed his hat, placing it over his heart. A surreptitious glance at the mares revealed that the princess was rolling her eyes, but Applejack’s glare had softened into something almost appraising.

"I don't see how money is going to help your heartbreak."

"Well, I can assure you it won't hurt," Flam muttered.

Flim placed his hat back on his head, putting his gaffe behind him as he went on, "And on top of that, there's the loss of income."

"Loss of income?" Princess Twilight cocked her head in confusion. "We'll be the ones caring for the foal."

"Yes, but you see, if we don't sign, and decide to raise the colt ourselves, he'd be sure to come in handy." Flim smiled.

Flam matched his smile and nodded. "In our line of work, a young, innocent foal could be quite useful. Worth a hundred bits a month in additional earnings."

"At least," Flim added. That was no lie, either. When they were boys, he and his brother had made their parents quite a few bits while learning the ins and outs of the family trade.

Princess Twilight narrowed her eyes and leaned forward like she was about the fly across the table. "You wouldn't..."

Both brothers just continued to smile.

She took a deep breath and let it out before she continued, "Do you realize you'd have to provide for him properly? Foal Protective Services would be notified if he was in any sort of unfit environment."

Flim raised his eyebrows. "I assure you my brother and I are experts at working with the Equestrian legal system. Of course, we would be willing to forgo the extra earnings if we were compensated, somehow."

"It's not right," Princess Twilight insisted.

Flam shrugged. "Right isn't our business, Princess."

"Well... it should be!" she snapped. Then the anger drained from her face, her ears drooping as it did. She bit her lip and looked at Flim. "We love that foal, and we want him, and we want to take care of him. Can't you set aside money for a minute to see this is another pony we're talking about?"

Flim opened his mouth, but he caught sight of Applejack again. She’d been sitting silently since her last outburst, and while there was no way to mistake her expression for happy, she looked less like she was imagining him tarred and feathered than usual. That threw him off more than the pouting princess, but if he could just get talking again, he knew he could land this deal.

Before he could start, Applejack spoke up. "Twi?"

Twilight looked to her and seemed to notice the lack of seething anger. "AJ, we can't. This is extortion and... and it’s practically pony trafficking!"

Applejack nodded. "I know. And I know we said you're handlin' this, but do ya' mind if I take Flim here for a little walk? We need to talk 'bout a few things."

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Just talk?"

Flim raised one, too. "Not assault, menace, threaten, intimidate, or blackmail?"

She shook her head. "Nope, none of that. You got my word. Both of ya'."

"Mr. Flim…" Twilight hesitated, then shrugged. Her ears still drooped, and Flim suspected she was out of arguments. "If you're willing, Applejack would like a word with you."

"Well, actually, I think I’d rather—" Flim started, but Applejack got to her hooves and walked over to him. She just stared, then motioned to the door.

"Com’on now."

Flim looked at his brother, who just shrugged and started to stand.

Applejack glared at Flam. "Just me an’ him. I gave my word I ain’t tryin’ nothin’ funny."

She looked back at Flim and raised her eyebrows. Flim got to his hooves and followed as she started walking out the door and into the long crystal hallways.

Their hooves echoed in silence as they walked, then turned and went up a staircase. She didn’t seem in a hurry to do that talking, so Flim tried to memorize the layout in case he had to make a quick escape. Besides, it was the sort of thing that could come in handy someday.

On the second floor landing she stopped in front of one of several doors. She turned to him and said, "I reckon there ain’t much that means anything to you in this world."

He shrugged. "I can think of a few things."

She nodded and opened the door gently, raising a hoof to signal for quiet.

They walked into a nursery. There was a crib against one wall with a magical mobile of different colored stars slowly turning over it, a stand with a neat stack of clean diapers against the other wall, and an old rocking chair in one corner. A small bookcase held toys and books, and a lamp in the shape of a moon. The walls and ceiling were decorated with softly glowing stars and planets, and the dark fabric of the curtains on the windows was printed with a starry sky pattern.

Something about it reminded Flim of the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy. There was a difference between something thrown together out of need and the sort of thing a pony carefully planned, agonizing over details, which was built with care and enthusiasm. He remembered Flam working on his pride and joy and felt that same sense of dedication and purpose had put together this room.

Applejack walked over to the crib and motioned for him to follow. Then she nodded inside and said, her voice just above a whisper, "That boy’s your family as much as mine, for all I love ‘im more than my farm. Take a look at him."

Flim looked down into the crib. A cream colored unicorn foal lay there, asleep on his side on top of a crisp blue sheet. He had nothing but a wispy tuft of mane, but what was there was bright red with a thin streak of white. Flim had the strangest urge to reach down and smooth it out, like his mother had done with his own mane until he was old enough to keep it properly himself.

Applejack went on quietly, "Twilight ain’t budgin’. It’s the law, and it ain’t right. So, if you think you boys can give Shinin’ Apple a family…" her voice shook as she spoke, but Flim didn't look away from the foal.

For a moment, the arguments about the money slipped out of his head. He knew he could give his boy a family, there was no question about that. He could take him, travel with him, teach him as he and his brother had been taught. Watch him grow into a fine hustler, worthy of the family name.

"But before you make up your mind, look at him again," Applejack said firmly, holding the emotion back from her voice. "Then look at this room. Look at this castle, and this town, and at me an’ Twilight. Look real hard and think about five years from now, or ten, or twenty. When he goes to school, when he gets a cutie mark, when he wants to find a special somepony."

Flim glanced at Applejack, standing proudly with her jaw set.

She looked him in the eye. "Whatever you and your brother been after all this time, that boy can have it, easy as pie."

He looked around the room and thought about the walk through town earlier. But it wasn't the quaint houses or the giant castle that came to mind and stuck there. It wasn't even all of the bits that castle had to be worth. It was a letter, a single piece of mail from long ago.

His thoughts were interrupted by a loud scream from the crib. He looked down in surprise. The baby's face twisted, eyes searching for somepony to figure out what it might want while it made a sound Flim hadn't known something that small could make.

Flim looked over at Applejack and then reached down into the crib and picked up the squirming little colt. He tried to hold the kid and bounce him a little, but that did absolutely nothing to stop the baby's fit.

"Uh... there there?" he said, but the baby didn't seem to notice.

"Wanna let me try?" Applejack said.

Flim nodded and quickly handed her the colt.

She took the baby in a foreleg, swaying as she walked over to the rocking chair. By the time she sat down, his screams had turned to whimpers. She cuddled him close and murmured a little tune as she rocked, and he quieted into a wordless, curious stare.

Flim watched her as she cuddled the child. "You fight hard for your family."

"There’s nothin’ more important to me," she said, not looking up as she smoothed the colt's mane.

He nodded. "I know."

After a few moments, Applejack stood up, still cradling the colt. She started to walk towards the door. "Ready?"

Flim nodded and followed her out to the staircase.

"This here’s my final offer," she said, as they walked back through the castle.

His ears perked, wondering if maybe she was desperate enough to toss him something behind her wife’s back.

But she went on, "I can’t offer ya’ money. But I can send ya’ pictures and letters ‘bout how he is. We can set up a mailbox, and you’ll have my word it’ll be safe to check it, no matter what y’all get into. And someday, when he’s older… I’ll tell ‘im who you are, and y’all can meet him if ya’ want."

Flim looked at the foal as they stopped at the door to the dining room. The kid seemed content in Applejack’s foreleg, reaching for her dangling mane. Flim closed his eyes and shook his head.

"No."

Applejack’s face hardened, but Flim went on quickly, "Don’t tell him who I am, and don’t tell him what I do. Just… tell him his father loves him."

She looked at him for a moment, then gave a small smile. "I’ll tell him that. And I’ll tell him his pa’s a good stallion at the core."

Flim smiled back and raised an eyebrow. "Let’s not get carried away."

They walked back into the dining room. Flam and Princess Twilight looked up curiously, and Applejack nodded. "Twi, let’s see those papers."

Princess Twilight floated a piece of paper and a quill over to Flim, as Applejack brought the foal to her.

Flim watched as the princess's face lit up, and she nuzzled the foal and Applejack. Then he took the quill in his magic and signed the paper in front of him.

"Come on, Flam. Let’s go," he said, motioning to the door. Flam was clearly confused by now, but he stood up and headed out the door. Flim was only a step behind.

"Thank you!" `Princess Twilight called after them. Flim looked over his shoulder, taking in the little family one last time, and tipped his hat.

As they walked back to the wagon, Flim watched the normal ponies wandering around the town. Normal little colts and fillies ran from one place to another, or huddled together in groups. Foals who lived in those thatched roof cottages. He felt sorry for them, they didn’t stand a chance.

Flim and Flam were both quiet until they were out of sight of the castle, but as soon as they were Flam leaned in and asked urgently, "Did she offer you something? How much did we get?"

"Nothing," Flim said, watching the townsponies as they walked.

"Brother." Flam narrowed his eyes. "Nothing is quite a bit less than this venture promised."

"But nothing is what it yielded," Flim glanced at Flam. "And in the future we won’t be approaching the princess, the Apples, or Ponyville with any plans, business ventures, opportunities, once in a lifetime offers, bargains, wagers, or teeny, tiny requests."

Flam’s mouth fell open. "But… why? Flim, we have an opportunity here. Even if we didn’t get anything this time, we can always try again later. At the very least they owe us a favor if we were to find ourselves in a situation."

Flim kept up a steady pace away from the castle. "If we play this right, my son, your nephew, is going to be raised by a princess, in a respectable home. He’ll have the finest education; if he has even an ounce of talent his name will be on the rolls to take the exam at Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns from the time he can make a spark. If not, he’ll inherit a thriving farm and be seen as a pillar of his community. There isn’t a mare in Equestria who wouldn’t court him, not a door that won’t open for him…"

Flim paused and took a deep breath in and out. "And all we have to do for him, Brother, is not look back."

Flam cast a suspicious glance at Flim and looked like he wanted to say something.

"Just let me do it this time?" Flim added with a pleading glance at his brother.

Flam didn't answer right away, but as they reached the edge of town he finally nodded. "The kid’s a natural. Mother would never forgive us if we tried to edge in on a long con."

Flim smiled as the wagon came into view. "So, Brother of Mine, what do you think ponies think magic buffalo charms look like?"