Crashers of Equestria

by Timeless Lord Slayer

Rating: mature
Tags: Dark, Human, Romance, Princess Luna, Spike, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6, Discord, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2488

Matt, Caleb, Pate, and Josh, four best friends/roomates get unique items from an in game Merchant, only to be sent to Equestria. Hilarious and gorey adventures ensue.

Now, this is a story about how our lives turned upside down!

Oh shut up, Matt. Ahem, we are the Four Knights Of Equestria, and this is our story.

We were brought here by some unknown force, and now we help fend off these strange monsters that have been popping up.

But...well, we're so brutal that ponies avoid us like...the plague.

*Collective booing*

Yeesh, tough crowd.

Castle Crashers is owned by The Behemoth, Tom Fulp, and Dan Paladin. MLP:FiM is owned by Hasbro and Lauren Faust, I own nothing. This is purely a work of fan-based fiction.

Published 2016-06-24 18:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-24 18:40:01 UTC

I: Crashing A New World (Edited... Somewhat)

The sun shined brightly on a house at the end of a street, it's rays piercing through the glass of the windows. The house was a typical house you would find in the suburbs; two stories, front porch, white paint, the whole nine yards. The only distinguishing feature were the lawn ornaments. Namely, the lack thereof. Every house on the street had at least one lawn ornament, but this one singular house did not. The sounds of yelling, whooping, and hollering emanated from inside, where four men were sitting on a dark blue couch in a modest living room, playing a favorite game of theirs on a Playstation 3.

One was an electrician with short, chocolate brown hair and rare, ruby red eyes, named Josh.

One was a pyrotechnician with auburn hair, tanned skin and amber eyes, named Matt.

One was a cryogenist with raven black hair, ghostly pale skin and sky blue eyes, named Caleb.

And the last one was a forensic toxicologist with blonde hair, fair skin, and emerald green eyes, named Pate.

Today, they all had the day off. None knew why, only that their bosses had given them a free day off, and they were not the kind to question free days off, even if they did enjoy their jobs. Nor did they question how the flat screen in the living room was already on when they woke up, simply assuming one of them had turned it on last night and forgotten to turn it off. Nay, instead, they simply did their morning routines, and then unanimously agreed to play their favorite game; Castle Crashers.

Currently, they were about to head into the infamous Insane Mode, but decided to buy things at the Insane Store first. But when the screen finally loaded, there was a new NPC. Specifically, one that looked like Dan Paladin's rendition of the Merchant from Resident Evil 4.

"Uhhh...what's with the new NPC?" asked Pate. Matt shrugged.

"Hell if I know. Maybe he's part of the update?" Matt supplied.

"Possibly. It was a good sized update," Caleb agreed.

"Well, why don't we go talk to him and see what he's got?" Josh suggested. They all agreed and Matt walked up to The Merchant and pressed the button to talk to him.

Hello, Crashers, what can I do for you? I have many wares, only of the finest make, I assure you.

The four men looked at the screen in bewilderment at the text, surprised not only that they had actually been referred to and adressed by their title, but that the NPC made no joke, no reference, and no pun. Something that was quite uncharacteristic of the designers.

After a bit they all simply chalked it up to the character being there as more than reference enough. After recovering from said bewilderment, they broused the new wares presented to them. And the Merchant had an, once again, uncharacteristically large amount of wares for the game he was in. He had multiple pets, as well as sandwichs and health potions. He even had upgraded forms of their respective character's starting equipment.

The Green Knight's Thin Sword, now with a poison effect.

The Blue Knight's Sheathed Sword, now with a frost effect.

The Orange Knight's Broad Axe, now with a fire effect.

And the Red Knight's Mace, now with a lightning effect.

"Okay, this, this is just awesome!" gushed Matt.

"Yeah, this is really...sick!" Pate joked. The others groaned. "What?"

"Well, putting aside Pate's horrible puns, these weapons are pretty cool. And they're just within our price range!" Josh commented. With stars in their eyes and images of the broken bodies of their enemies, all four of them bought the weapons.

Heh heh...Have a nice trip, Crashers, see you next fall!

Before any of them could say a word, a portal opened beneath their seats, and they were sucked in immediately, leaving a silent and empty house. On the screen, the Merchant turned to the left side of the screen to see a tall man in white robes with armour not unlike that of the Listener from Destiny, only a shimmering light blue with ornate patterns and designs depicting hourglasses.

Alright, I did my part. Now where's my compensation?

The man tossed a glowing piece of metal with a sheen like no other to the Merchant, who inspected it for a moment before nodding in satisfaction.

Pleasure doing business with you, Silencer.

And then the screen went black.

The four men awoke in a glade, bleary and disoriented. The trees around them were tall pines, and the sounds of wildlife was all around them. After trying to shake off the bleariness, the four men finally noticed their attire. Josh was wearing the armour of the Red Knight, Caleb looked like the Blue Knight, Pate was the Green Knight, and Matt looked like the Orange Knight.

"What the fuck!?" Josh yelled.

"How in blazes–!?" Caleb exclaimed.

"What the hell!?" Pate cried in surprise.

"Why are we wearing armour!?" Matt shouted. Then they noticed the weapons by their sides. Pate picked one up and noticed that it was actually real. He also noticed that it was exactly like the Green Knight's Thin Sword. The others quickly noticed this as well.

"When the hell did we get armor!? And why do we look like taller and beefier versions of the Castle Crashers!?" Pate said, panicking slightly.

"Either way, I don't like it!" Caleb replied. He put his head in his hands. "What are we going to do?! We don't have money, food, phones, or any idea of where we are!"

"I don't know, but we need to calm down. Panicking won't get us anywhere. Now think, what happened before we woke up here?" Josh asked.

"We were playing Castle Crashers and found a new Merchant...and then..." Caleb slowly put two and two together. "It must have been that Merchant!"

"Alright, then all we have to do is find that Merchant and–" Josh began.

"Josh, wait. Think about this for a second. If that Merchant from the game really was the one who did this to us, then how the hell can we beat him? I mean, he was able to send us to an entirely new location without any real effort! How can we beat that?" Matt pointed out.

"Okay, I hate to admit this, but... for once, Matt makes a good point." Caleb agreed.

"Well, we have to do something. I mean, we can't just sit back and let him get away with it," Josh argued. The others were silent at this.

"What about our families? Our jobs?" Pate asked out of nowhere.

"I'm sure we'll see them again. We just need to find a town or something and a phone, and we're golden. Right, Josh?" Caleb assured, before turning to Josh.

"Yeah. We need to see where we are before a coyote or bear gets the jump on us, and to better find a way home. We can talk about this later," Josh said after a while.

"Sounds like a good idea to me, let's get going," Pate urged.

And so the four trekked through the forest, using their newfound weapons to cut through the overgrowth. It was then that they heard the cry of a bird, but not one any of them had heard before. It was like a mix between a crow and an eagle.

"That doesn't sound like a normal bird..." Josh said, curiosity overcoming him and the others. They followed the sound to a clearing, where they found something that made all of their jaws drop in shock.

"What the hell is that!?" Matt cried in shock and disbelief. There, in front of them, was what could only be described as a phoenix. And with that phoenix was a tall, marble white unicorn with wings like a pegasus. Not only that, but her mane and tail moved in a nonexistent wind, and was colored like a rainbow at dawn. The mare, if her slim body was any indication, turned to the men, eyes wide, before she seemed to calm somewhat.

"Is something wrong?" she asked, to the shock of the four friends.

"You can talk!?" Pate exclaimed in shock.

"This defies everything I know...how is this possible?" Caleb said, muttering to himself as he tried to understand how this was possible.

"Well of course I can talk. Might I ask who and what you four are? I can't say I've seen anything quite like you," the mare asked. Josh was the first to recover.

"I'm Josh, the green one is Pate, blue is Caleb, and the guy in orange is Matt. We're humans," Josh explained, before asking, "Now what are you? Not to be rude, but I've never heard of a hybrid between a pegasus and a unicorn, much less seen one."

"Humans, you say? I don't think I've heard of humans before," the mare said, pausing before adding, " I am an Alicorn, a mixture of all three pony races. Earth Ponies, Pegsai, and Unicorns. Oh, where are my manners? I am Celestia, diarch of Equestria and Lady of the Sun." She turned to the phoenix, who seemed to be eyeing the four with suspicion. "This is Philomena, my pet Phoenix." The men were stunned, to say the least. She hadn't heard of humans? Did that mean humans didn't exist here? And where exactly was here?

This and more plagued the minds of the four, before they heard multiple sounds behind them. One sounded like the call of a baby dragon, the other a baby seal, one the sound of a cat, and the other some strange humming, like a generator. Then, out of the bushes came four floating animals, although one of them was hardly an animal.

One was a dragon with red scales, an overbite, and horns like a ram, which floated over to Matt and flew around him in circles, breathing fire as if in excitement.

Another looked like a white baby seal, which nuzzled Caleb affectionately.

The other was a black, furry thing that they all recognized as a Troll, or at least the game's version of one. It floated up to Pate and sat atop his helmet.

And the last one was a strange ball of green goop with a black metal orb in the center, which hummed as it remained floating right in front of Josh's face.

"I see you all have pets as well. They're very...unique," Celestia said, unsure what else to call them. Matt took to his pet with great enthusiasm, scratching it's chin and cooing at it.

"This is awesome! I have a pet dragon!" Matt gushed, throwing the dragon up in the air before catching it. Pate looked at his pet warily, before hesitantly reaching out a hand and petting it's head. The Troll purred at this, nuzzling into his hand, making Pate sigh in relief and smile a little.

"I'm...not terribly good with babies," Caleb admitted, only for the seal to give him puppy eyes. He quickly succumbed to the power of it's cuteness and hugged it close to him when nobody was looking. Josh poked the ball in front of him, making the goop jiggle a little and causing the object to hum in a way that sounded like a giggle. Somehow. Josh turned back to Celestia.

"So Celes–I mean, your Majesty, you said that you're the diarch of Equestria, does that mean that you rule along side another?" Josh asked. Celestia nodded.

"Yes, it does. I rule with my sister, Luna. And you can call me Celestia, I don't mind," Celestia replied with a smile.

"Wait...did you say 'Lady of the Sun'? What does that mean?" Caleb asked after deftly pulling away from the hug with his new pet.

"Oh, nothing much. It's just a title that means I raise and lower the sun. My sister does the same for the moon," Celestia explained. The four mens' jaws dropped at this.

"You're kidding, right? Everyone knows the earth revolves around the sun and the moon around the earth, it's just not possible!" Caleb said in disbelief.

"You're just pulling our legs, right?" Pate asked. Celestia shook her head.

"No, I'm not. Are you saying you didn't know I raised the sun? I know some of the races don't know, but most of them do..." She shook her head. "Why don't you all follow me and I can prove it to you? The sun is supposed to set in a bit anyway." The four men obliged and followed her and her phoenix through the forest, before they came upon a cliff overlooking a castle that was somehow hanging off of the face of the mountain they were on, much to Caleb and the other's disbelief. Then, Celestia's horn glowed, and the sun slowly yet surely started to set, and the moon rose behind them. At the end of this display, the men were absolutely speechless.

"I...what...how...!?" Caleb stuttered.

"Well...that's...new..." Josh said lamely.

"Okay...remind me not to piss you off. I do not want the Hammer of Dawn bearing down on me," Pate said fearfully.

"That...was...AWESOME!" Matt shouted in excitement. With this new sight, the four men finally realized just how far from home they were. They had been ripped from what they knew, and they would never see their family again. Celestia noticed their silence and grew worried.

"Are you all alright?" she asked, concerned.

"Not...really. We just realized that...well, we aren't home anymore. And we have no idea how to get back," Josh explained. Celestia frowned.

"You mean you're lost!? Oh you poor dears! Is there anything I can do to help?" Celestia queried.

"Not unless you know anything about transdimensional portals," Caleb pointed out. Celestia looked deep in thought, before seeming to think of an idea.

"Well, why don't I take you four to my castle? You can stay there until I figure out a way to get you all home," Celestia offered. The men looked at each other for a moment, hesitant, before Josh turned back to Celestia.

"Not like we have much of a choice," Josh pointed out.

"I don't see why not," Caleb said with a shrug. "Besides, might get to learn something new."

"That sounds awesome!" Matt exclaimed in excitement.

"Sounds like a plan to me," Pate agreed. Celestia smiled.

"Wonderful! Now, just hold still for a moment, I don't think any of us want to walk in the dark," Celestia said before a flash of light overtook them, and when it disappeared, so did they.

Author's Note

I'm not terribly proud of this one, so it might get tweaked over time, but for now, this is how it will be. Please let me know down below what you think, any criticism is welcome as long as it's constructive. Anyway, thank you for reading!

—BlueMoon865