Some People Call It Madness
When Twilight felt the Cutie Mark on her flank begin to flash, she nearly jumped out of her skin. It had been quite some time since her Cutie Mark had last begun to glow. Instantly, she raced towards her castle and skidded into the map room.
Instantly Twilight’s eyes went to the map which marked all of Equestria. The places the Elements or Harmony needed to travel to were always marked on it. Strangely though, today all six symbols for the Elements of Harmony were clustered right where Twilight was standing – in her castle. How strange.
Twilight didn’t have long to ponder the oddity, though. She heard the pounding of hoofsteps and turned with a smile to greet the first of her friends.
“Hey there sugarcube,” Applejack trotted in and greeted Twilight. “Ah came as soon as my mark started flashing.”
“Are your Cutie Marks flashing too?” Rainbow Dash swooped in. “Oh man! This is going to be awesome!”
“I’m here.” Fluttershy trotted into the room and scowled at everyone present. “My Cutie Mark’s flashing. What’s the emergency and where do we go?”
“Well hello there yourself cheerful,” Applejack said. “What’s got you in such a bad mood?”
“Nothing.” Fluttershy flopped into her seat. “Cutie Mark’s flashing, here I come. I’m not getting paid to do this, alright? Now, can we go?”
“Rarity’s not here yet,” Twilight pointed out. “Neither is Pinkie Pie. I think I saw her helping the cakes make an urgent delivery, so we might have to wait a few minutes.”
“A few minutes?” Fluttershy’s eyes narrowed. “Am I made out of time?”
Twilight eyed Fluttershy for a second. The pegasus was acting uncharacteristically unkind and impatient. Her friendship instincts began to tingle.
“Ah come on,” Rainbow Dash said excitedly, oblivious to Fluttershy’s mood. “Who knows what the map wants us to do this time? It could be something really cool like fighting a monster!”
“I sure hope not,” Twilight said worriedly. “The Bugbear was bad enough. Just think if we have to stop a rampaging Hydra or something!”
“Peh.” Fluttershy said audibly under her breath.
Applejack glanced over at her in mild annoyance. “Are y’all saying you don’t think fightin’ a horrific monster from the Everfree is that hard now Fluttershy?”
“I don’t know,” Fluttershy said sarcastically. “Is fighting a Bugbear really harder than dodging three Abyss Watchers at once?”
“Um, what?” Twilight said. “Fluttershy, are you okay?”
“Do I look okay?” The pegasus asked. Twilight noticed she had dark bags under her eyes. “Here I am, waiting for Pinkie Pie and Rarity when I could be backstabbing more skeletons in catacombs!”
“Ah really hope you’re not talkin’ about digging up bodies in the cemetery,” Applejack said sternly. “Ah know Winona’s been doin’ it, but ah’d hate to think a pony was actin’ like a Diamond Dog.”
“I think she’s talking about Dark Souls 3,” Rainbow Dash said. “Hey, you play that game too Fluttershy?”
“Dark Souls what now?” Applejack said in confusion. “This isn’t one of them fancy gamin’ thing that Applebloom was begging me to buy, is it?”
“It is, and it’s only the greatest game of all time,” Fluttershy confirmed. “I’ve logged 48 hours into it already and haven’t even scratched the surface of the game.”
“Forty eight—” Twilight stared at Fluttershy. “It hasn’t even been out for more than a few days!”
“Well, I had to sleep and feed the animals,” Fluttershy said. “That cut into my time. But I’m close to taking down Aldrich soon so let’s hurry this up.”
Applejack and Twilight exchanged a glance. “I think that we’ve found our friendship problem,” Twilight said.
“Dark Souls? No way!” Rainbow Dash laughed. “It’s a great game and totally fun! It even has elements of Friendship stuff, Twilight?”
“How?” Twilight demanded.
“Like, you can summon allies to help you out,” Rainbow Dash explained. “You can bring them into your game as phantoms, so other players can support you. I’ve used them quite a bit, and man, it’s nice to have backup.”
Twilight blinked. “So…what you’re saying is that this game builds friendships?”
“Of course!” Dash waved a hoof. “Phantom-summoning is a key part of Dark Souls 3. Heck, I summon other players for help all the time!”
“What?” Fluttershy was suddenly nose-to-nose with Rainbow Dash. “Are you one of those gamers who summons phantoms to beat bosses?”
“What? No—I mean, not me!” Rainbow Dash backed up in panic. “I mean, sure, sometimes maybe I’d summon one or two to deal with hard guys like Boreal Valley Vordt, or get me through a level but—”
Fluttershy pushed Rainbow Dash away. “You’re dead to me. Next time we meet in-game I’m going to invade your world with ten thousand red orbs.”
Rainbow Dash shrank back before Fluttershy’s glare, but Applejack stepped between the two pegasi.
“I reckon this has gone on long enough,” she said. “Fluttershy, what in the hay are you doin’? Y’all know that ain’t the right way to talk to a friend.”
Fluttershy blinked and stepped back. “I, but well, she’s a scrub and—”
“I don’t think playing a video game should make you hate other ponies,” Twilight said severely. “Some of those things you said Fluttershy, well…they were downright mean. It isn’t like you.”
“But it’s Dark Souls 3!” Fluttershy wailed. “It’s the greatest game ever!”
“It’s just a game, Fluttershy!” Twilight said in exasperation. “I’m sure it’s nice, but—”
“No, Fluttershy is right, Twilight. Dark Souls 3 is the greatest game of all time.”
Twilight whirled at the familiar voice. “Cadence?”
Princess Cadence and Shining Armor emerged from the shadows. “Hi Twilight,” she said. “Were you summoned as well?”
“Yes, but—” Twilight gaped. “How do you know about that? Only the Elements of Harmony are supposed to be summoned and—”
Cadence pointed to her flank. Her Cutie Mark was glowing, as was Shining Armor’s. “It seems that whatever the Tree of Harmony wants us to resolve, we’re part of it,” she said.
“Well, can we get it over with?” Cadence asked. “I want to get back to Dark Souls as soon as possible. Time is souls, you know.”
“Wait a gosh darned apple-picking minute.” Applejack slapped one hoof to her forehead. “Don’t tell me you play that game too, Princess?”
“She’s been neglecting her duties as ruler of the Crystal Empire.” Shining Armor explained. Twilight saw that his eyes were bloodshot and his mane frazzled. “She won’t even play with Flurry Heart. All she does is play on the computer and swear at the screen for hours every day until she falls asleep.”
He fell at Twilight’s hooves. “Please, sis! Get her to stop!”
“Stop?” Cadence scoffed. “There is no stopping. The fires must be relit. The end times are upon us. Dark Souls is love. Dark Souls is life!”
“Hell yeah!” Rainbow Dash flew around excitedly. “Gaming mares for life, am I right?”
“Was I talking to you, scrublord?” Cadence asked. “I don’t deal with amateurs who can’t even solo a boss.”
Rainbow Dash stopped flying at once and looked down at her hooves.
“Exactly,” Fluttershy agreed. “Anyone who can’t figure out that shields are worthless when you can just roll is a complete amateur.”
“Preach it!” Cadence and Fluttershy exchanged a hoofbump. “I take it you play the game too?”
“Do I breathe air? I’m a dual-wield DEX build with Pyromancy. You?”
“Faith-based shield and spear. I use Lightning Spears mostly, but I use a few Dark spells.”
“Wait a second…” Fluttershy said slowly. “Are you…HornUpYourButt?”
Cadence stared. “…FurrySlaughter?”
They both paused for a moment then rushed into an embrace. “It’s you!” both cried out.
“I can’t believe it,” Fluttershy said excitedly. “You ambushed me right before I took on the giant in the Cleansing Chapel. I had only one Estrus Flask left and after you killed me I slipped off the ledge while going back and lost all my souls!”
“And you jumped me right after I beat the last Abyss Watcher and was going through the catacombs!” Cadence exclaimed. “I lost all my souls too!”
Twilight and Applejack watched with bemused, confused expressions. Rainbow Dash and Shining Armor on the other hand sensed what was coming next and moved behind Fluttershy and Princess Cadence.
“I’m going to kill you, you backstabbing phantom-invader!” Fluttershy screamed. She tried to snap Cadence’s neck but Rainbow Dash dragged her back just in time.
“Not if I get you first you ganking spell-spammer!” Cadence yelled. She would have blasted Fluttershy, but Shining Armor’s magical shield prevented her. “I’d have wrecked your ass if you hadn’t summoned those phantoms!”
“Hah! You couldn’t even roll out of the way of my lightning spear!” Fluttershy shouted, struggling to get at Cadence. “I didn’t even need to use an Estrus Flask to take you out!”
“N00b!” Cadence shot back. “You use aimbots!”
“Do not!” Fluttershy shouted. “Git gud you scrub!”
Rainbow Dash had to use all her strength to hold Fluttershy back. Applejack went to help her, but even both ponies were slowly being dragged across the floor. Meanwhile Twilight was using her magic to contain Cadence with Shining Armor, but she too was supercharging her horn. Something was about to break, as both Fluttershy and Cadence screamed obscenities at each other.
“Oh hey, is this an insult party?” Pinkie bounded into the room, mane springing wildly. “Let me try! Both of you are loser scrublords who couldn’t gank a single mob with ten thousand soul level, you *****ing, #$*&%$ing, ------ing whining game wannabes!”
In the silence that followed Pinkie Pie’s statement Twilight searched for her jaw on the floor. At least she gave up and said, “Uh, Pinkie. Do you play Dark Souls as well?”
“Sure do!” Pinkie bounced up and down. “It’s a ton of fun! My Pinkie Sense goes hangwire every time I got into the game, but I don’t get hit that much! I play as a dude with a really big sword who runs around naked!”
“Naked?” Twilight spluttered. But Fluttershy and Cadence looked at Pinkie with sudden recognition.
“Are you…?” Fluttershy put her hooves over her mouth. “I mean, that character, it could only be—”
“You’re a legend!” Cadence flung herself at Pinkie hooves. “Teach me, sempai!”
“Aw, don’t be silly!” Pinkie Pie tried to shake Cadence off her hoof with no success. “Look, it’s not hard. All you gotta do is avoid everything and never miss, that’s all!”
Twilight cleared her throat. “Ahem. Pinkie, thanks for coming. I think we were summoned here because of a friendship problem and well…can you talk to Fluttershy…and Cadence…about not being too obsessed with Dark Souls?”
“Sure thing, Twilight!” Pinkie turned to Fluttershy and Princess Cadence and put on her most serious face, or what she though was her most serious face. “Listen guys, I know playing games is fun, but don’t let it take over your real life! Leave the backstabbing and blowing people to bits in the game, okay?”
“Okay,” Fluttershy and Cadence mumbled disconsolately.
“Aw, don’t be like that!” Pinkie Pie grabbed both ponies and gave them a big hug. “Isn’t it great that we all like the same thing? Now we can be besties in real life and in Dark Souls 3!”
“That’s right!” Fluttershy said, brightening up a bit. “And there are three of us! That means we can co-op!”
“Come on,” Pinkie said. “Let’s all go start new characters and play together! I bet you we can take down High Lord Wolnir in two hours if we summon each other!”
“You think so?” Cadence asked plaintively. “I keep dying when he breathes that black fog.”
“No problem!” Pinkie Pie said with a wink. “It’s all in the timing. I just hope we don’t run into any meanie red phantoms when we play. Some of those players are good!”
“Better than you, even?” Fluttershy asked incredulously. “You mean some of them have killed you?”
“Yeah, I had some trouble with a player called CrossEyed Cutmaster,” Pinkie said conversationally to Fluttershy and Cadence as they trotted out the door. “Have you met her?”
“Oh, I know her!” Fluttershy and Cadence exclaimed.
“Yeah, it’s like she knows exactly what’s happening next!” Pinkie complained. “She always wins unless I beat the boss first! It’s really annoying!”
“Why did you name your character HornUpYourButt anyways?” Fluttesrhy asked Cadence.
Shining Armor quickly left the room as Cadence laughed and said awkwardly, “no reason. Just uh, based off an interesting event that occurred. ”
“Ew!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I hope he washed his horn afterwards! That’s so unhygienic!”
“Yes, well.” Cadence coughed as they left Twilight’s palace. “It was my horn that needed cleaning in point of fact. But I made sure to give it a good wash.”
Applejack and Twilight watched them leave with mouths wide open.
“It’s strange,” Twilight said at last. “I feel like we’re being left out here. Is this a friendship crisis or not?”
Applejack shrugged. “Ah dunno,” she said. “I reckon it’s just folk like’n their own games is all. Ah personally don’t like them fancy video games. Give me Oregon Trail any day of the week.”
“Which one,” Twilight asked. “The original or the 3D versions?”
Applejack stared at Twilight. “There’s Oregon Trail in 3D?”
“So I’ve heard. But I don’t play those games as much. I’m more of an X-Com 2 fan.”
“…What’s X-Com?”
They trotted out the door.
Two hours later Rarity burst in, mane disheveled and red-eyed.
“I missed it, didn’t I?” She wailed. “I knew I shouldn’t have planted all those melons! Stardew Valley is ruining my life!”
And then she went back and played for another ten hours.
Elsewhere in Ponyville…
Derpy sat back in her chair. “Ready, Doc?” She called.
“TARDIS is online and we’re green across the board,” the doctor called from behind the gigantic amalgamation of wires and computer parts connected to a police box. “You may play when ready.”
Derpy rubbed her hooves together and her eyes focused on the screen. “Alright SugarPartyPaladin,” she whispered. “Let’s see if your Pinkie Sense can beat time travel. Time to find out who the real Queen of Dark Souls is.”
In Canterlot Castle Celestia sat back in her chair and sighed deeply. The problem with immortality, she reflected, is that everything came and went and things became patterns. Even the greatest of adventures tired her quickly.
But that was the real world. Dark Souls 3 was forever. She learned forwards and booted up her desktop.
“Alright, I’ve now beaten Dark Souls 3 for the third time,” Celestia muttered to herself. “Time for a no-Estrus, no-bonfire run barehanded.”
“Sister!” Luna called from the other room. “Art thou playing your games again? The affairs of the state must be dealt with!”
“I told you, this is why I have students like Twilight!” Celestia shouted back. “She’s a princess! Let her deal with it!”
“Thou are irresponsible!” Luna shouted back. “Just as thou sent us all your paperwork while we were imprisoned on the moon!”
“Love you!” Celestia shouted back. Under her breath, she muttered, “scrub.”
Author's Note
This is my first foray into crackfics.
...I'm so sorry.
