A Farewell to Fatty Foods
Spike sighed happily as he rooted around in the deep glass bowl by his side, bringing out a fistful of amethyst-studded cookies. Raising his claw to his mouth, he took a mouthful of cookies and chewed slowly, his eyes closed in pleasure as he relished the sensation of the gems crunching between his teeth. He yawned, stretched and leaned back in his seat, smiling contentedly. Now this... this was living.
"Spike!"
Spike's eyes shot open at the sound of a familiar voice. In front of him was Twilight, giving him a disapproving look.
"Oh hey, Twilight. What's up?" he asked casually.
"What's up is the fact that you haven't moved from that chair all afternoon," Twilight replied, frowning. "Except to refill that bowl of yours."
"Hey, I thought it was my day off today," Spike retorted.
"That's as maybe," Twilight shot back. "But surely there are more productive ways to spend a day off. Maybe you could go for a walk on a beautiful day like this?"
"Ugh..." Spike moaned. "Can't be bothered."
Twilight raised a hoof to her face. There wasn't going to be any nice way to say this. Better to just get it out there right now.
"Spike," she asked. "Do you know just how much weight you've put on recently?"
"What?" Spike replied, chuckling. Him, a fatty? As if! "C'mon, Twilight, you're exaggerating again."
"Oh, am I?" Twilight snapped, her horn glowing as she pulled over a floor mirror. "Stand up and take a look for yourself."
Sighing and rolling his eyes, Spike heaved himself to his feet. "Fine, then," he grumbled, as he looked at his reflection. "Anything to get you off my..."
Oh.
Oh dear.
Staring back at Spike from the mirror was a dragon who went far beyond the chubby-cheeked cutie who Rarity had fawned over so often. No, this dragon was downright fat—teetering on the edge of obesity, actually. A flabby, scaly pot belly hung down over his crotch, squishing slightly in between his thickened thighs. His chest was covered up by a pair of full, plump moobs, hanging over the top of his gut a little at the sides. A ring of flab surrounded his neck, and his cheeks had swollen up to food-storing chipmunk levels.
"Um..." Spike stuttered. "Well, maybe I've put on just a couple of pounds..."
Twilight raised an eyebrow. Spike groaned. "And maybe I haven't seen my feet in a couple of weeks... and maybe I'm having trouble getting up stairs-"
"Spike!" Twilight snapped. "I'm sorry, but there's no kind way to say this—you've put on weight. A lot of weight. At this rate, you'll be clinically obese by Hearth's Warming."
"Alright, I get it, I get it!" Spike snapped back, raising his pudgy claws in protest. "I'm fat! I can't help it, okay? It's just-"
"Of course you can help it, don't be ridiculous," Twilight interrupted. "You could stop lazing around stuffing your face with junk all day, for one."
Spike had nothing to say to that. He simply frowned down at the floor. Upon seeing this, Twilight's demeanour softened, and she gave him a smile.
"Don't worry, Spike," she said chirpily. "This isn't anything that can't be fixed by a couple of lifestyle changes."
"Lifestyle changes?" Spike repeated. That didn't sound good.
"Yep," Twilight replied cheerfully. "Get ready, Spike... you're going on a diet."
There it was. The dreaded word that for decades had struck fear into the hearts of fat kids, pony and dragon alike.
"A d-diet?" Spike stammered. "Uh, come on, Twi, isn't that going a little far?"
"Nope," Twilight said simply. "With a controlled diet and exercise plan, the pounds will be falling off you in no time!" She levitated over a book, which Spike took in his claws.
"From Flab to Fab: The Failsafe Keys to Weight Loss and Healthy Eating?" he read. He opened the book and grimaced at the pictures of leafy, tasteless-looking salads and casseroles.
"That's right," Twilight nodded. "Shining Armour swore by it when he was getting in shape for the Royal Guard. This is officially your intervention, Spike. We're getting that weight off you, one way or another."
Spike shuddered.
"Starting tomorrow," Twilight added. "Today, I have my hooves full with Starlight's friendship lessons."
"Phew," Spike sighed with relief.
"But," Twilight added sternly, "I mean it, Spike. Tomorrow, you're going on a strict diet. No sweets, no sugar. You can forget about stuffing your face with junk from now on."
You can forget about stuffing your face with junk from now on.
Those words continued to echo around Spike's head as he mournfully made his way away from the castle, waddling towards town. Having become something of a junk food aficionado, the idea of all that delicious food being replaced by the zero-fat, zero-carb, zero-taste recipes in From Flab to Fab hung over him like an executioner's axe. Spike had never been particularly fond of vegetables, especially not when they were being forced upon-
"Why hello, Spike!" Spike turned his head at the sound of a mare's voice, and saw Carrot Top smiling cheerfully at him. "Would you care to try my latest bushels of carrots?"
Spike groaned. "No, thanks." As he moped on, dragging his feet, he glared up at the sky. "Are you trying to be funny?" he hissed to the spirits above.
He confirmed that the spirits were indeed trying to be funny when he rounded the corner and came across Sugarcube Corner. The delectable aroma of freshly-baked pastries wafted out and caressed his nostrils, taunting him like a pony keeping a treat just out of a dog's reach. Spike groaned. It wasn't fair. It'd be months, at least, before he got to try some of... wait a minute.
Spike's eyes widened as an idea began to form in his head, before he smiled and rubbed his claws together delightedly.
"Yes... yes!" he whooped, laughing with sufficient intensity and mania to cause a passing mother to usher her daughter away from him. He eagerly darted into Sugarcube Corner. If he was going to give up junk food... he was going to give it up with a bang.
As he headed inside, he could see Pinkie Pie at the counter, waving off her most recent customer.
"Heeeeeey, Spike! Long time no see, huh?" Pinkie Pie said happily upon seeing him. "What brings you here? Cookies? Pies? We've got some emeralds in from Rarity, if you're interested."
"Hey, Pinkie," Spike replied. "Listen, I'm here for... something special."
Pinkie blinked, before lowering her voice. "Spike, you're a little young for that, aren't you? Besides, I only give out those services to-"
"No, no!" Spike stammered, blushing deeply. "Let me explain." He sighed. "Tomorrow, Twilight's putting me on a diet. No sweets or sugar at all."
"No... sweets... or sugar... at all?" Pinkie gasped, her voice growing more shrill with each word. "She can't do that! Nopony can do that! We'll take her to the Court of Equine Rights! Or... Dragon Rights. Is there even a Court of Dragon Rights? Because in this case, there should be!"
"I know, I know," Spike replied. "That's why I've decided, if I'm going to go on a diet tomorrow, I want to say goodbye to all my favourite treats first." He grinned. "Pinkie, I'm gonna need a platter of amethyst cookies, two pies -- one apple, one blueberry -- a plate of fritters, and an extra-jumbo chocolate sundae. Charge it all to Twilight, she's good for it."
"Yes, sir!" Pinkie laughed, saluting, before rushing back into the kitchen as Spike waddled to a booth and took a seat. He rubbed his claws together and licked his lips in eager anticipation.
Before long, Pinkie Pie and Mr. and Mrs. Cake came to Spike, bearing trays filled with the goodies Spike had ordered. A plate of cookies, glinting with purple amethysts; two wagon wheel-sized pies, shimmering with glaze; a large pile of crispy, bubbling apple fritters; and a positively gleaming chocolate sundae. They seemed to glow under the light, and though it was probably Spike's imagination, he could have sworn they were accompanied by a heavenly choir.
"Enjoy, Spike!" Pinkie said gleefully, as the platters were set down. "If this doesn't get you through that diet, nothing will!"
"Darn right!" Spike laughed. "Thanks, Pinkie." The ponies stepped back, leaving him alone with his bounty.
"Oooh, baby," Spike drooled, at a loss as to what to eat first as his eyes darted back and forth, surveying his prize. He supposed the most logical starting point was the ice cream, before it melted. Taking hold of a spoon, he dug deep into the chocolate syrup-coated frozen treat, and took a mouthful. His eyes rolled into the back of his head as the sweet, creamy goodness caressed his tongue and taste buds. Another spoonful followed, then another, before he threw manners to the wind and started lapping it from the bowl wholesale, getting his face covered in ice cream and chocolate in the process.
"Aw man, that's good," he moaned, using a claw to dislodge a sprinkle caught between his teeth. Licking ice cream from his lips, he moved on to the cookies. Popping them one by one into his hungry maw, he closed his eyes and sighed happily as the sugar-filled delights crumbled between his teeth. One cookie after another slid down his throat, until the plate was empty. By this point, Spike was starting to feel rather stuffed.
"Ah..." he sighed, patting his belly as it happily gurgled away. "Can't stop now. Still got those pies and fritters to eat."
Spike decided to go for the fritters first. Wiggling his claws in delight, he began to shove them into his mouth by the fistful. As each slice of fried apple fell into his stomach, they caused it to gurgle slightly, working on digesting them into even more fat. Spike fed himself with one claw, while rubbing his gurgling, distended gut with the other. By now, he could feel a definite tightness in his midsection from his feasting.
He paid it no heed, however, for his eyes were on the two greatest conquests of all... the pies.
Now almost completely overtaken by his own gluttony, Spike literally sprang on the two pies, leaping upon them and shoving his face into both of them in turn, covering himself in a sticky mess of apple and blueberry filling. Chuckling delightedly, he began to take massive, undignified bites from them, moaning audibly as he got covered in flecks of filling and pastry crumbs. His stomach continued to distend as he glutted himself, picking up the tins and swishing his tongue around to make sure he didn't miss a single morsel. Bite by bite, mouthful by mouthful, the two huge pies grew smaller and smaller, as Spike's belly grew larger and larger.
Finally, incredibly, both pies had been finished off. Swallowing his last mouthful, Spike grimaced as he felt a painful tightness in his chest...
Urrrrp!
Having expelled the gas from his system, Spike closed his eyes and groaned. His huge belly pressed up against the edge of the table, wedging him into the booth. His gut, moobs, claws and face were all slathered in a thick, gooey mess. Spike gave a small, triumphant smile.
"Now that," he said to himself, "was a good way to start a diet."
He closed his eyes, massaging his great, gurgling gut as he felt himself begin to drift into a food coma...
"...very impressive, Starlight. I'm very happy with the progress you... whaaaaaaaaaa?"
Spike's eyes shot open to see Twilight and Starlight Glimmer staring at him, both of them with their jaws agape and eyes as wide as the moon itself. After about a century of silence, Spike spoke timidly.
"Um... hi?"
Twilight's expression shifted from shocked to frightened to furious, all in the span of two seconds. Behind her, Starlight had a hoof pressed to her mouth in a desperate attempt to stop herself from laughing.
"Whatever explanation you have," Twilight hissed angrily, "it's not going to be good enough."
Spike suppressed a belch, before eyeing her defiantly.
"I regret nothing."
END
Author's Note
Now, I'm not saying I'm psychic. All I know is that I wrote a fat Spike fic, and it came out on the same day as the best Spike episode we've had so far. Do with that as you will.
