And Mostly, They Complain
From across Equestria the dragons assemble. Most fly to the fiery lava pits where all of dragonkind has assembled. Others walk, or crawl out of their subterranean lairs. A few walk. But all are present to answer the Dragon Lords’ call.
They are not the only ones. For such is the might of dragons and the renown of the Dragon Lord that even other dragons come. From across time, from across universes to witness the next Lord of the Dragons. They meet in conclave, these other Dragon Lords. They are here to bear witness to this sacred moment, and in such rare meetings of dragons they converse with all the wisdom of the ancient.
“My claws hurt.”
“Why are we here?”
“Oh hey Bahamut, long time no see. Gotten your tail kicked by another group of humans again?”
“Now, now, let’s be nice. We’re here to welcome the next Dragon Lord, not start flaming at each other.”
“Speaking which, where are we? I forget all these worlds…”
“This is Equestria, I think. Notable in its lack of humans and plentiful gem deposits.”
“Oh, really? Maybe I’ll go mining after we’re done here.”
“Hey! Remember the rules? We’re on business. We can’t just wander off and mess around in other dragon’s worlds.”
“Spoilsport. Let’s get this over with, then. Where’s old Torch anyw—”
“Dragons of Equestria, hear me!”
“Ah, there he is.”
“I don’t believe I’ll miss him when the new Dragon Lord is elected.”
“My earholes won’t.”
“Well, all the dragons have assembled, have they? What a sorry looking bunch.”
“Lots of little kids down there. I don’t see many adults.”
“They all sort of look like Seath the Scaleless, don’t they? The standing on two legs, and whatnot.”
“I thought we agreed never to mention that freak’s name. Please, I just ate.”
“Sorry. But they do look weird.”
“Apparently they’ll look normal once they get older.”
“I can’t understand why their parents don’t get rid of them the instant they hatch, looking deformed as they are. Can’t we all just settle on one growth pattern for every universe?”
“If you want to bring it up for a vote at the next meeting, fine. Now, shut up and let me listen.”
“Whomever has the strength and fortitude to retrieve this bloodstone scepter from the heart of the flamecano will be crowned Lord of the Dragons!”
“Quick question: which idiot made a scepter for a Dragon Lord that looks like it was designed for humans?”
“Probably the same idiot who thought giving Torch armor was a good idea. I don’t believe he’s taken it off in the last thousand years. Have you gotten near him recently? He stinks.”
“Who’s the little blue dragon next to him? His kid?”
“Yeah, her name is Ember. Don’t you remember the last meeting? Torch was showing her picture around to everyone he could find.”
“I was sick that day. Too many wizards for breakfast.”
“Well, at least now we know how we’re getting our next Dragon Lord. Trial by gauntlet. Archaic, but I guess it’ll work. I just hope we don’t get another idiot like Torch.”
“The Gauntlet is dangerous, for I designed it myself! Only dragons with my ferocity, strength and determination will be able to finish. We will gather at the cliff when the sun is at its peak!”
“…Why’s that baby dragon pushing that boulder?”
“I…think it’s going to eat it later?”
“Wha—oh, right. Dragons in this universe eat gems, don’t they?”
“That’s so weird. Why can’t they just chow down on bones and flesh like everydragon else?”
“Don’t judge. They do their thing, we do ours. If T—oh, what is he doing now?”
“Is he bullying that baby dragon?”
“No…he’s disqualifying it. Or something.”
“Who summons a baby dragon here, anyways? Where’s its parent?”
“Should we do something about this? I mean, it looks all alone. Maybe one of us should take it under our wing.”
“Not a good idea if you ask me. Most of us are too busy, and well, take my lair for instance. Way too many adventurers, heroes and invading armies prowling around. Far too dangerous for a child.”
“I just think it’s a tragedy, that’s all.”
“Calm down. You can donate a hoard or two to the Dragon Relocation Fund later if you really want to. Let’s just wait for the gauntlet.”
“Right, right. Sorry about that. Anyone up for poker?”
“I’m in. I’ll ante with five bloodstones.”
“I’ll call and raise with grazing rights to the Kingdom of Amalur. Too many annoying species there at the moment for me.”
“Would you all accept live bets? I have this human here that was stuck between my teeth.”
“Oh gods, help me! It’s going to eat me! Help me, help me, help—”
“…Nevermind. I forgot how loud they can get.”
“Let’s just play cards.”
As the sun rose to midday height, the assembled candidates for the Dragon Lord’s scepter took off from the cliff and flew towards the first stage of Torch’s gauntlet. The flight across the boiling sea brought many of the young dragons down as tremendous water jets struck them out of the sky.
“Lot of youngsters out there today. In fact, I dare say they’re all youngsters.”
“Where are all the adult dragons? Does no one want to become the next Dragon Lord?”
“I saw them all fly off hours ago for a snack. Looks like they don’t care either way.”
“…So what you’re saying is that we’ll have a little brat at all of our meetings from now on? Do any of those dragons even know space-time magic?”
“I don’t think dragons in Equestria know how to use magic. Remember how we had to keep picking Torch up?”
“Wonderful. Oh, and look the abandoned baby dragon is in the race.”
“You’re kidding me. Is there no responsible dragon around!? I’m going down there and getting him out.”
“You can’t. He’s a candidate.”
“That isn’t right! He’s just a child! Look! He doesn’t even have his wings!”
“Let him go. He’s not in any danger yet, and we can always get him to safety if things look dicey.”
“Fine, but I still object. And isn’t that Ember? I thought Torch banned her from competing.”
“Looks like she’s in the rebellious phase. It’s hard, you know? I feel for Torch, dealing with that kind of stuff.”
“Young one act so weird. Like, why are they talking to that pile of seaweed?”
“Wait a minute…that’s not seaweed. Those are—”
“Unicorns? No, wait. Those are way too small. Ponies? Seriously?”
“Is this some kind of joke?”
“Afraid not. Apparently Equestria is full of talking, intelligent ponies. They even raise the sun and moon. Weird, huh?”
“They look so…weird. Are they edible?”
“Probably. I’m full, but do you want to try one?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I’m peckish, but I’m also on a diet. Besides, I have to watch my sugar intake. Look at that white one. She looks like a marshmallow! I don’t want diabetes at my age.”
“Better not risk it. You never know what these animals are carrying, anyways. They could be infected with something nasty – I mean, they’re hiding under seaweed and pretending to be rocks. Probably have Mad Pony Disease or something.”
“Good gods. Is that real?”
“In this weird world? Would you risk it?”
“Alright, let’s can the chatter. Look, they’re at the next stage of the gauntlet.”
The competing adolescent dragons made their way to the flamecano, dodging flying boulders and crushing traps. The Dragon Lords watched as dragon after dragon fell prey to the traps.
“This is embarrassing! Is this really all dragons can do these days?”
“Look at them. They can’t even get through a single trapped tunnel. If there was one adult among them, it would have won already.”
“Torch really thought this was a good gauntlet for dragons? It’s like he designed this for adolescents.”
“The quality of our kind has really diminished, these days. How is it that they’re not trying to rip each other to shreds while competing? The meanest thing I’ve seen is that annoying red dragon push the baby dragon off a cliff.”
“Hey, remember Alduin? Y’know, time-travelling guy, bent on destroying the world. What happened to dragons like him?”
“I think he died.”
“What? No! Was it the hemorrhoids?”
“He had hemorrhoids? I thought he was a time-travelling, immortal dragon!”
“That’s the downside of immortality. You make too many mistakes and binge eat for a few centuries and you can’t go back.”
“But how did he die? Did he die of hemorrhoids?”
“I think a mortal killed him. A Dragonborn or some such. You know, one of those ‘destined heroes’.”
“Oh gods, not another one. Do we have to put out another watch list? How’d it manage to kill Alduin, anways?”
“Did they stab him in his hemorrhoids? Because I mean, I know the custom is stab the evil dragon in their weakest spot, but that’s—”
“No! They absorbed his soul! Stop talking about the hemorrhoids! How do you know he had them, anyways?”
“He kept asking me about a spell or ointment that would help. I thought it was common knowledge. Why else do you think he was so mad all the time?”
“Please. Let’s just get back to this stupid gauntlet. Look, they’re nearly done.”
“Looks like there are about three dragons left in the race. That red dragon, Ember, and the baby dragon. Oh, and those two ponies are running around too.”
“Really? This is our candidate pool for the next Dragon Lord? I guess the red dragon’s sort of vicious, but he’s just a brat!”
“Far too immature. His face annoys me, but if he’s chosen.”
“I can’t. Can you see the noble conclave of dragons deciding on matters of fate and destiny with that kid among us?”
“Oh come on. Maybe he’ll grow into it. Besides, he looks sort of cute. You know, he’s a bit bigger, but you know who me reminds me of?”
“Don’t say it.”
“Oh come now. I want to hear this.”
“I’m begging you hear, don’t say it.”
“Mushu—”
“Shut up, shut up, shut up! That thing is not a dragon!”
“Don’t be racist. He’s a perfectly fine…”
“Freakish mutant. I hate that runt so much.”
“You just have no sense of humor. Besides, you’ll have to deal with small dragons soon enough. One of those runts will be our new Dragon Lord.”
“Okay, so let’s recap. The next Dragon Lord of Equestria is going to be a prepubescent brat who eats gems, wears armor like a human, and can’t even use magic?”
“Looks like it.”
“…This is messed up. Let’s stop this and talk to Torch.”
“Too late! Look at that!”
A blast of magical energy washed forth from the caverns, blasting into the sky as a pure pillar of radiant light.
“I don’t believe it. That’s Equestria’s new dragon lord?”
“I’m sorry. I’m out. I just can’t deal with this.”
“Don’t go! Look, that baby’s smart. He’s not going to be the next Dragon Lord. He’s handing the scepter over to Ember.”
“Okay, okay. That might work. I mean, she’s Torch’s daughter. I could handle—are they hugging?”
“Bad touch! Look at Ember blushing! This is not acceptable!”
“Oh gods. They can’t be over a century old. Where’s a responsible adult? I’m going in there to break them up.”
“This is wrong. I mean – she’s a baby! What if she decides to invoke the Dragon Lord’s mating rituals? Does anyone here want to see that?”
“Stop overreacting. They’re not doing anything, just hugging. Humans do it all the time.”
“They are still way too young to be that close to each other. In my day, dragons didn’t even look at each other until they were at least sixteen thousand years old.”
“I think it’s cute. Now let’s all go greet the new Dragon Lord.”
Dragon Lord Ember raised the scepter of the Dragon Lord to the sky and bade Spike, Twilight, and Rarity farewell. Behind her the assembled dragons flew off to their respective homes. The next Dragon Lord had been elected, and the Gauntlet of Fire was over. All was well, and all were happy.
“This was the worst election of a Dragon Lord I have ever been to. Claws down, the absolute worst.”
“Agreed. I’m dreading the next time we have a Dragon Lord conference. Can you imagine that kid there? She’ll be either terrified or completely insufferable.”
“Ugh. It’s only two thousand years away. Too late to do anything now, though.”
“Let’s just…go. Forget congratulating Torch. I brought him some humans as a retirement gift, but you know what? I’m eating them all myself. Anyone want to come over to my place for canned humans?”
“You mean knights?”
“I think there are some paladins in there too.”
“Sure. Count me in.”
“Me too. Let’s all go.”
“Hold on. There’s just one thing I’ve got to do first.”
Rarity and Twilight were walking down the mountainside, Spike on Twilight’s back. They stopped as the sound of rushing air and a tremendous beating of wings echoed from overhead. Both ponies and baby dragon looked up and gaped.
From beyond the seen world a dragon emerged. His physical form as it materialized was long and sinuous, different from the dragons of Equestria. His wings as they unfolded seemed to cover the sky, and his radiant greenish blue scales shone as if illuminated by an inner fire.
The Dragon Lord dove and landed before the three with a thump that made the earth shake and caused minor tidal waves to engulf Daring Doo as she flew out at sea hundreds of miles away. His great head bowed, and he looked down at the two ponies.
“Small creatures,” he boomed in a voice that echoed across the mountain range and had once intoned the doom of nations. “I have one question for you.”
“Y-y-yes?” Twilight quavered. She shook in the presence of this dragon that made Torch seem tiny by comparison.
The gigantic dragon’s head lowered until his massive eyes were fixed on Rarity and Twilight. They shuddered, too afraid to run but terrified of what the dragon would ask.
“What do you eat?” The Dragon Lord demanded.
“What?” Rarity and Twilight gaped at him.
“Is it mainly a diet of grass and hay, or do you eat other things?” The dragon asked. “Any sweets in your diet? How about fattening foods?”
Rarity and Twilight exchanged a quick glance.
“We uh, we eat grass and hay sometimes,” Twilight said. “But we have sugary snacks as well.”
“Like what?” The dragon demanded.
“Cakes, doughnuts, milkshakes,” Rarity squeaked. “I had a massive sundae two days ago.”
“Sometimes I have hayburgers,” Twilight said shakily. “Um, is that—?”
The Dragon Lord’s sigh was the sound of dying stars and the end of eternity. He spread his wings and took off, flying back into the sky and merging with the stars. Twilight, Spike, and Rarity heard him muttering to himself as he flew off.
“Stupid ponies with their high-sugar diets. Where’s the grass-fed organic section when you need it? Everything’s fast food these days with no thought for health issues. That white one especially. Who wants a marshmallow pony…?”
Then he was gone.
Twilight and Spike stood in stunned silence. But Rarity ran over to a rock and jumped on top of it.
“I’m not fat!” She screamed at the sky, tears rolling down her face. “I just have an unfortunate complexion!”
