When in doubt, water flowers!

by Lise

Rating: teen
Tags: Changelings, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2401

Agent Garden Hose's mission is simple: infiltrate the Crystal Empire, replace Cadence's baby with a changeling princess, return to hive. Oh, and when in doubt, water flowers.

Cadet "Garden Hose" receives a simple mission: to infiltrate the Crystal Empire in the guise of a pony, replace Cadence's baby with a changeling princess, then return safely home.

It's a pity that all the advice she was given was: "When in doubt, water flowers."

Written for the S6 Premiere Short Story Contest of the SFNW group.

Special thanks to Octavia Harmony for editing.

Published 2016-04-17 03:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-17 03:10:02 UTC

A simple mission...

"Hello, Garden Hose, watering the flowers again?" Silver Mica asked. He was a middle-aged gentlestallion, still searching for his ideal special somepony. I happened to know he was nice, comfortably rich, and of good ancestry. Unfortunately, there were two minor problems — I was a changeling on a mission, and not remotely interested.

"You know what they say," I giggled coquettishly. "When in doubt water flowers."

He smiled, as always, tipped his hat, then continued on his way. Part of me felt sorry for him. The rest of me, however, felt sorry for myself! Here I was, on the most important mission in changeling history, and my main worry was how to fend off stallions!

Just a simple mission, Carapace, the words of the Spymaster echoed in my mind. You just go there, replace the heir with the Queen's royal child and fly out. Easy as nectar! Why had I listened? If it was that easy, they'd have sent one of the pros, not give it to cadet who had hatched two decades ago!

Suddenly, the sound of trumpets filled the air. I froze. Could it be? Was this the moment I've been waiting for?

"Rejoice, ponies!" a loud voice announced from the palace. "The Crystal Empire has a new princess!"

Yay! Finally! I hopped around joyfully. Now I could go on with my mission and—

"And what is more, the Royal Sisters, along with all six Element Bearers have been invited to attend the Crystalling!"

Yay... I bit on the handle of the watering can so tightly I heard it crack. Of course, the Princesses would come. Why would it be otherwise? I'd have thought Cadence would allow herself a few days rest before moving on to things, but no! She just had to be the perfect pony princess, didn't she?!

Grumbling under my breath, I went home. Thankfully, the "joyous news" spared me the burden of having stallions whistle at my rump. Thank the hive for small blessings! Arriving, I instantly barred the door and changed into a more comfortable form.

"What a day!" I groaned and flew to the bedroom.

Who was I kidding? All my days were horrible! If somebug had told me a week ago that there was such a thing as overeating, I would have laughed. Now, I spent my days praying I could learn to vomit like ponies. At least then I'd get rid of some of these calories!

"Hello, Princess," I sighed, taking out a small parcel of cloth from under the bed. Inside, wrapped in several layers of silk, was a royal larva. According to the plan, she was to replace the newly born pony princess. The real pony infant, I was supposed to take back to the hive. An utterly stupid plan, as far as I was concerned, but orders were orders.

Let's see what the instruction manual says. I took the small booklet from under my pillow and started reading.

Replacement Instructions

1) Upon birth of target, provide the royal larva enough magic to wake up

2) Nourish with love every 3 hours (250 calories, fresh if possible)

3) Bring royal larva in contact with target offspring and maintain for 5 seconds

4) Replace and return to hive

5) If dealing with ponies, when in doubt, water flowers

I transformed into a pony only so I could gnash my teeth together. "Water flowers!" Always with the stupid flowers! I was sick of them! That's what I did every buzzing day! A patrol passes by, — water the flowers, Silver Mica appears, — water the flowers, I forget what I'm supposed to do, — water the flowers!

"You better remember what I'm going through, Princess!" I hissed. It was doubtful she would, but at this point, what did I have to lose?

A green glow surrounded my horn as I shot a bolt of energy at the parcel. It stirred. So far, so good. Not giving it a chance to cry — do larvae even cry? — I magicked a thousand calories of love its way. The book said two-fifty, but what the heck? She's a growing bug! Besides, after tonight she won't be my problem. Let Princess Cadence worry! I'll be long gone, and hopefully receive a big, fat promotion!

"Rest easy, Princess." I patted the parcel gently. "By tonight you'll be in the palace!"

* * *

"Hey there, Miss Hose," the night patrol sergeant greeted me as he passed by. "Watering the flowers again? Very diligent of you."

"You know me, Sergeant Quartz." I flashed a smile. "Somepony has to take care of them." I hate my life! "Also moonlight watering is good for flowers."

"Why yes, of course." He winked and lead his patrol onward. I could feel love emanating from his every fiber. Seriously, were ponies so impressed by a cute flank? So I watered flowers, big deal! That hardly was an open invitation for every colt and stallion in a ten mile radius to hit on me!

I waited till the patrol turned into one of the side streets and spat the watering can on the ground. On my back, the basket with the royal larva stirred. What a disaster this night had been! It was supposed to be a quick in-and-out operation. The parents of the royal baby were exhausted, so it would hardly have taken much effort to put them out for a few minutes.

Of course, I hadn't foreseen that Princess Luna would arrive early! Stupid, over eager, emo moonbutt! She had caught me off guard, leaving me with the only alternative I knew. What was worse, she even had the nerve to take a few minutes and water the flowers with me. And that wasn't the weirdest part! As I was standing there, terrified what might become of me should she see through my laughable excuse, she had suddenly asked if I wanted to have foals of my own!

Apparently, alicorns had the ability to impregnate mares, something about magic potency and commenced mana. I had been so shocked upon learning that I had just nodded and avoided her gaze entirely. It is possibly I might have also blushed a bit, because she had then whispered in my ear that I was cute and we'd talk more after the Crystalling.

As if! I stomped the ground. No way was I having anything to do with a stupid Moon Princess! Not in a thousand years! Although, her mane did look nice... and hive knows, I could use some pampering after what I've been through. No! I shouldn't think like that! I was here on a mission, an utterly crappy mission, but a mission all the same! Tonight had been a bust, but tomorrow morning I'd manage for certain! Luna had let it slip that Princess Celestia would arrive at sunrise. That meant that everypony would be out to greet her. Everypony except the baby, that is. It would be egg's play for me to sneak into the palace and do the swap.

"Soon, Princess," I rocked the basket on my back. "Soon."

* * *

"Morning, Missus H." A colt galloped to me. "How are the flowers?"

"As usual, Prancer Dancer." It took a tremendous amount of will for me to smile back. Really, colt? I mean really? You are hardly out of school and you are hitting on me? "You know what they say — the early mare gets the flowers to bloom."

"Nice! Must remember that, Missus H." He grinned at me with his stupid grin. Even his deep red coat did nothing to hide his blush. "I'll be going to the outer ring to buy some things for Mom. Want me to get anything for you?"

"I'm fine. Thank you, Prancer." I put the water can on the ground. "You take care, now!"

The pony was off like a flash, allowing me the luxury to frown. Well, this morning had been terrible! Far worse than last night! Half the Empire, along with most of the palace staff, had gone to meet the Sun Princess, just as I had thought they would. However, some stupid moonbutt had left instructions should I happen to pass by! I had hardly found the location of the baby's room, when Princess Cadence, arch enemy of my Queen, had appeared out of nowhere and literally grabbed me.

Apparently, "Aunty Luna" had mentioned me on a few occasions last night. In fact, she had talked about me to such an extent, before leaving to meet Celestia, that Cadence had felt obliged to personally remain in the palace in case I came by. And since I, to my misfortune, had done just that, she proceeded to give me the grand tour of the entire palace, nursery included. Following that she had invited me to have breakfast with her and the Royal Sisters. My mind had gone completely blank. The only excuse I managed to voice was that I had to tend to some flowers... and it had worked!

Stupid pony princesses! They should be locked up, the whole lot of them! I looked at the basket on the ground. If Cadence had bothered to look inside I would have been done for. As it stood, I lived to plot another day.

"End of the day!" I whispered, full of determination. "I'll do the swap by the end of the day!" Hive knows I wouldn't survive much more of this insanity!

* * *

"Err, you know you're watering flowers in a blizzard, right?" The small purple dragon looked at me suspiciously.

"Yes, I'm aware, thank you," I smiled. At least he wasn't hitting on me.

"Oh." He scratched his head. I recognized him, of course. One could hardly remain in the Crystal Empire for over an hour without learning everything about 'Spike the Brave and Glorious'.

"Flowers must be watered before a blizzard so they don't freeze to death." Stupidest explanation if I'd ever heard one! "But I am honoured that Spike the Great would show interest in my gardening."

"Oh, don't mention it." He blushed slightly. He was about to add something more, yet his pony friend had gone quite far ahead, causing the dragon to rush behind her with as little as a "bye."

This does it! I threw the watering can in the air then bucked it away. After today I wouldn't remain here one second longer, even if had to face King Sombra and a herd of windigos to escape! A week of humiliation, two days of a princess hitting on me, and today destructive baby alicorn magic bolts?! That newborn princess was a real menace! Twice she nearly roasted my head off as I was sneaking through the palace. I doubt even Celestia held such destructive power! Not only that, but the thing could teleport! Four times it had landed on my back seeing me as nothing more than a toy! On the last, Cadence had landed on my back as well, in an attempt to catch it. If I wasn't a changeling, I would have had my spine broken in three places by now! And to top it all, the royal larva had managed to copy the newborn! Now I had a bundle of destruction of my very own, floating in my house!

"What have I done to deserve this?" I looked at the sky. Princess Luna and Celestia were doing their best to fight off a growing number of thunder clouds. For a few moments I felt concern that Luna might get hurt, but I quickly discarded it. There was no reason for me to harbor any feelings towards that moonbutt! Ha! As I cared about anything that happened to these stupid ponies! Actually, I welcomed the deep freeze! At least that way I'd finally get some peace and quiet!

Out of habit I looked at the flowers. They were already covered by a thin layer of ice. Maybe I should water myself? Things would go quite faster then. Nonsense! I'm a changeling! I hibernate... sort of. As long as I had an adequate amount if love, I could go to sleep for decades and wake up when conditions were more favourable. Of course, that meant I'd say goodbye to my promotion, as well as any future life in the hive. Queen Chrysalis was many things, but forgiving was not one of them.

"Oh, well." I shook the snow from my mane. The blizzard was getting worse. At least I managed to get the changeling Princess to take shape. Who knows? Maybe in a few decades she could start a hive of her own and take me as a flower waterer or something. "You know what, flowers?" I said, setting down next to them, as I waited for the inevitable. "You were damn lucky to have me!"

* * *

"I so enjoy watching you water flowers in the moonlight," Princess Luna whispered in my ear. I blushed, but didn't say anything, continuing to pour water on the stupid plants.

By all accounts I was supposed to be dead. Last I remembered I had let myself become half frozen on my lawn, a changeling princess in my house. Instead, I had woken up in the palace, wrapped in thick blankets, a lunar alicorn beside me. Hive, I really don't want to know what happened between those two events.

"Will we water the other flowers as well, or only those near the palace?" Luna rested her head on my back. My ears shot up as my body tensed. Well, I suppose the good news was that no other ponies were hitting on me now. The Princess had made a claim and they had to accept it. The problem was, I still wasn't sure how I felt about all this. Heck, I was just a changeling cadet on her first mission! I was not trained to deal with the undying love of a moon goddess!

How did I get myself in this mess? I groaned internally. From here on I had limited options. I would have to keep pretending I was a pony until I could escape, or there was no need to do so anymore. In the meantime, however, I intended to stick to the one thing I could rely on: when in doubt, water flowers.