“But sister, why art thou goingest to-”
“Modern Equestrian, please. We’ve talked about this.”
Luna sighed. “Why do I have to be in charge? I’ve barely been back two years and you’re already leaving me on my own!”
Celestia smiled, watching as her attendant packed bags with all manner of clothing, jewelry, and scrolls. “Because, dear sister, the trade talks between Fillydelphia and the bordering Buffalo settlement of Buffalo are at a standstill.”
Luna paused for a moment. “The settlement is called Buffalo?”
Celestia nodded. “Buffalo are not known for their creativity. They are, however, shrewd traders, and an agreement with one of their clans could be very beneficial for all involved. That, Luna, is why I must be present, and when I am gone, you must take on the royal duties.”
“Uh, Princess...” said the attendant, hurriedly looking over a list levitating before her.
Luna groaned, throwing herself onto the large sun-themed bed. “But sister, I’ve been gone for a millenium! Equestria is a very different place now than what it was when I was ruling. You’ve even done away with the royal h-”
Celestia cleared her throat. “Yes, well, it will certainly take some getting used to.”
“Princess...” the attendant said, a bit louder. She glanced backwards at the two alicorns while levitating bags onto the backs of a few waiting guards.
“Besides,” Celestia continued, “I think you’ll find that most of the work is rather simple. A few hearings, some paperwork. Not the most entertaining of positions, but important nonetheless.” She walked over to the bed and placed a hoof on her sister’s shoulder. “You’ll do just fine.”
The attendant cleared her throat. “Your majesty.”
Celestia looked up. “Yes, Table?”
The attendant gave a small bow. “Your carriage is ready, Princess. If you are to make the meeting, we should leave immediately,” she said, staring at the ground. “That is, if you don’t mind, your highness. If you wish to stay longer, I’m sure I could arrange-”
“That’s fine. Thank you, Table,” Celestia said. In one graceful movement she was at the chamber door. “Farewell, sister. And try not to worry so much. It’s only a week.”
As the door closed, Luna pushed her head into the silken bedsheets and groaned. Only a week, she thought to herself. She says that like nothing can happen in a week...
Luna’s angsting was short lived, as her thoughts were soon interrupted by the sound of the door opening, followed by a polite cough.
“Er, Princess?”
Luna looked up. A small, tan unicorn was standing by the door. “Yes?”
The unicorn bowed. “Your si-... I mean, Princess Celestia requested that I stay behind and aid you with the royal duties,” she said. “Not that you can’t handle them on your own. I’m sure you’re more than capable, but you have been away for a long time, and I-... she, well, thought you might...” she paused, taking a breath, “...need some help.”
Luna got up and approached the cowering unicorn. “You are my sister’s assistant, correct?”
The assistant continued to stare at the floor. “Yes, Princess. My name is Time Table. I’ve been assisting Princess Celestia for... oh, many years now.”
Luna paused for a moment, before exiting the chamber and beginning to walk down the hallway to the throne room. “Fine. Tell me what must be done.”
* * *
Luna sighed, waving a hoof towards the door of the throne room. “Next.”
The massive double doors opened, revealing a small colt dressed in rags. The child limped his way up the long carpet leading to the throne, eyeing the guards on either side of him.
“Yes?” Luna asked, examining a hoof.
“Well, ah, Princess, might I jus’ say it’s an honor to finally make your acquaintance. Y’see I’m not from Canterlot originally, an’...”
Princess Luna yawned.
“...an’ I was just wonderin’, what with me parents... gone, an’ all, if I could have a bit o’ money for the orphanage where I’m stayin’? The roof’s a bit leaky, an’ sometimes the rats get into the food so we can’t have supper, an’ sometimes, durin’ the winter, we--” the colt stopped and began to cough, covering his mouth with a hoof. After a few moments, he regained his composure and looked up. “So, would ya be able to help? Jus’ a bit?”
Luna grimaced. “Child, I’m not sure who told you to come here, but I do not appreciate having my time wasted. The government of Equestria does not, nor will they ever, give hoofouts to lazy children that refuse to work.”
“But Princess--”
“No buts. You should be ashamed of yourself,” Luna continued. “Go find a job in one of Canterlot’s many factories. I’m sure they would love to hire a strong colt like you.”
Tears were beginning to form in the child’s eyes. “B-but...”
Luna waved a hoof. “Next!”
The colt ran out of the throne room, sobbing. He was met in the hallway by two older mares and a group of younger children, all dressed in rags. One of the caretakers hugged him. “There there, Pip,” she said. “We’ll try again next year.”
Meanwhile, Luna turned to Time Table and smiled. “You know, I may grow to enjoy this. There truly is nothing more satisfying than making a difference in the lives of my subjects.”
“O-of c-course, Princess,” replied Table.
Luna turned to face the doors. “I said next!” she shouted.
The doors opened again, this time revealing a light gray earth pony wearing a pair of dark sunglasses. He trotted to the throne and looked up. “Are you Princess Luna?”
Luna glanced down. “You know, I really don’t have time for games.”
“Answer the question, please.”
Luna was taken aback. “Why I...” she started, before regaining her composure. “Yes, I am Princess Luna. Who are you and what do you want?”
“Agent Procedure, Department of Equestrian Revenue Policy. You are under arrest. Please come with me.”
“Arrest?!” Luna shouted, leaning forward. “For what?!”
“Tax evasion. One-thousand years worth, to be precise. Now, please step down from the throne. We have a carriage waiting outside.”
Luna jumped down, landing just inches from the stallion. She grit her teeth, horn glowing. “How dare you approach your Princess like this?! I will have you thrown in the dungeon! Guards, come take this... this... creature away.” In an instant, a small battalion of royal guards entered the throne room, horns and wings at the ready.
The stallion remained unfazed. “Then I guess you won’t come quietly. I suppose we’ll just have to contact Princess Celestia about this matter.”
Luna took a step back. “You wouldn’t.”
The stallion cracked a small smile. “Would I?”
Luna hesitated for a moment, before sighing and looking to the guards. “Stand down,” she said, before turning to Procedure. “Fine. I will come with you.” She practically spat the words.
Time Table fainted.
* * *
The Department of Equestrian Revenue Policy was not a fun place for anypony, let alone a rather irritated Princess of the Moon. Luna sat on one of the uncomfortable wooden benches, waiting for her name to be called.
“Lot, Vacant.”
A dirty-looking earth pony sat up and slowly trotted over to the counter. After a few moments, he returned with a stack of papers.
Luna groaned and put her head in her hooves. How could this happen? she thought. The pony next to her cleared her throat.
“So, what are you here for?”
Luna looked over to see a blue unicorn. She appeared to be wearing the remnants of a cape, and a tattered hat sat atop her head, covering a filthy silver mane. After a moment of silence, she responded. “I’d rather not speak about it.”
The unicorn leaned in a bit closer. “Oh, don’t worry. Trixie understands. These... peons wish to treat us like the common rabble. As if the laws of other ponies apply to great beings such as us!” She motioned to the ponies sitting around her, some of which looked less than pleased.
“Please leave me alone.” Luna said, inching sideways.
Trixie pouted. “Well then. Trixie sees how it is.”
“Lulamoon, Trixie.”
In an instant, she was up and over to the counter. “Trixie does not appreciate being called by that name. You may call me The Great and Powerful Trixie.”
The pony behind the counter did not seem amused. “Please fill out these forms, Miss Lulamoon.”
Trixie scoffed and levitated the stack of papers back to the bench with her. “Peasants. Can’t live with ‘em, right?” she said, turning to Luna.
“Luna, Princess.”
The alicorn stood up and trotted over to the counter. “I’m very sorry,” she said, “but there must be some mistake. I am royalty! We do not pay... taxes.”
The other pony simply stared back. “I’m sure you are, Miss. If you’ll step this way...” she motioned to a doorway behind the counter.
Luna followed the other pony, ducking to fit through the doorway. She was led down a long, beige hallway until they reached a nondescript wooden door.
The other pony knocked, before poking her head inside. “Mister Tape, Miss...” she paused, “Luna is here to speak with you.”
“Thank you. Send her in.”
The other pony nodded and began walking back down the hallway as Luna stepped inside the small office. The walls were covered in dusty pictures, and a degree from the Canterlot School of Economics was hanging above the desk where a beige unicorn was sitting. “Princess Luna. It’s an honor. Please, sit,” he said, motioning to a chair in front of him.
“I prefer to stand,” Luna responded.
The pony shrugged. “Your loss.” He levitated a pile of papers from a nearby filing cabinet onto his desk. After a few moments of shuffling papers, he looked up. “My apologies, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Red Tape, and I am the supervisor of this office.” His gaze returned to the papers before him. “Now, Miss Luna, it seems you haven’t been paying your taxes.”
“Well, Mister Tape,” Luna said, gritting her teeth, “that may have been because I’ve spent the past thousand years on the moon.”
Red Tape chuckled. “I’m sure you have, Miss Luna, but no one is exempt from Equestrian Tax Law.” He flipped over a sheet of paper, examining the other side.
Luna gave an exasperated sigh. “Fine. How much do I owe? I am sure the royal-...”
“Sixteen billion bits.”
“Sixteen WHAT?!”
Red Tape nodded. “You see, Princess, when you take into account all of the money that Equestria has been bringing in -- your income -- and factor all of the late fees, paperwork costs, and ponyhours...”
“How am I supposed to find sixteen billion bits?!”
Red Tape shrugged. “I’m sure you can always borrow from your sister.”
Luna glared at the beige pony. “I will do no such thing.”
“Well then,” Red Tape said, getting up from his desk, “in accordance with the law, you would normally have twenty-four hours to make the required payment. However, since it seems you have little interest in paying what is owed, we will have no choice but to seize your property and sell it at auction.”
Luna’s horn began to glow. “You... will do no such thing.”
Red Tape smiled. “Oh, I will. I’m sure that plenty of ponies would love half of the Canterlot cast--”
Before he could finish his sentence, Red Tape exploded with a dull pop.
* * *
Princess Celestia opened the doors to the throne room and trotted down the long carpet. The guards on either side bowed, but she seemed more interested in the other alicorn before her.
“Hello sister!” she said, wrapping a hoof around Luna’s neck. “How was the week?”
Luna returned the hug.“Uneventful.”
Celestia smiled. “You see? I knew it was nothing you couldn’t handle.” She looked around the throne room. “Where is Time Table? I want to thank her for staying behind.”
As if on cue, the tan unicorn came galloping down the corridor, two bulging saddlebags at her sides. Upon seeing Princess Celestia, she stopped momentarily. “Welcome back, P-princess. I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can continue my employment here. Thank you for the wonderful opportunity.” In an instant, she was off and down the hall.
When the sound of hoofbeats was no longer audible, Celestia turned back to Luna. “What was that about?”
Luna shrugged. “I suppose she could not handle the stress.”
