Princess Luna was feeling quite gay this morning.
Bucking the ballroom doors open with a quick thrust of her legs, Luna took little notice of the wood splintering to the floor as she pranced inside. She merrily made her way over to her sister sitting before an ornate dining table, mouth filled with half eaten pancakes and a cup of tea threatening to spill due to Luna's unexpected appearance.
"We have done it, sister!" Luna proclaimed in a regal tone. She then revealed a large book previously perched upon her back. "Our studies have been a success! Everyday we grow closer to our full reintegration into contemporary society! Applaud our progress!"
Once she had finished coughing up the mushy remains of half eaten pancakes, Princess Celestia looked to Luna with a warm smile. "Well done, Luna! I know how enthusiastic you are about catching up on what you've missed these past thousand years. Do tell, what have you been studying now?"
"Linguistics!" Luna shouted, throwing her book onto the table. "Equestrian has evolved since our time! Through the assistance of this compendium of semantics we are now up to date on how to ejaculate correctly!"
Celestia spat out her tea.
Ejaculate
Olde meaning
'To say something quickly and suddenly.'
Luna continued to smile, unaware of Celestia's growing look of revulsion. She then reared herself on her hindlegs and gave a grin of excitement. "We aim to share our progress with our Ponyvillain friends!" Her wings spread wide and she looked towards an open window. "Why, if we are quite honest, sister, we have not felt this gay in quite a while!"
Celestia then dropped her cup.
Luna practically squeaked. "Ha ha! These new words are exciting! Gay! We must ejaculate to the heavens how gay we feel!" She sprung into the air and rocketed off out of the castle into the distance, Ponyville on the horizon. Celestia only continued to stare forward, her gaze ever so slightly shifting towards the tome Luna had left behind, it appearing far more worn and ancient than Celestia had noticed. The words Ye Olde Dictioneighy transcribed on the cover.
The Princess gave a very un-princess like chortle.
Meanwhile, Luna soared through the air over the orchard of apple trees known as Sweet Apple Acres. She wished to share her semantic knowledge with her elemental friends, Applejack being the first on her list due to her proximity. Spotting two figures down below, Luna dropped to the ground, startling the yellow filly and brown canine she was met with. Luna could not help but tut in annoyance. "Not the audience I was hoping for, pray tell yellow one, where might we find..."
Luna's words died in her throat as she suddenly leaned over the dog, the nearby Apple Bloom only growing more unnerved, least of all by the apparent presence of Nightmare Moon herself.
"That is a bitch if we have ever seen one. Majestically so."
Bitch
Olde meaning
'A female dog, wolf, fox, or otter.'
Apple Bloom gawked at the Princess, before growling, running up, and bucking Luna in the shin. "I'm telling Applejack!" Bloom yelled out as she ran off with Winona at her side, Luna still hopping on three legs behind her.
"Wait, bow wearer! We simply wished to admire your glorious puppy!" Several seconds went by as Luna peered in the direction Bloom had run off to, wondering what had prompted her to leave so suddenly. She then became enraged. "Wait, she striked us! A princess cannot let this go so idly! You shall rue this day, filly-whose-name-I-do-not-recall!" She shook a hoof with spite.
"Um, Princess Luna? Is that you?" A small voice sounded out from behind a nearby tree, prompting Luna to turn and find Fluttershy fluttering nearby. "I heard shouting and thought Big Mac had hurt himself again, farms can be quite dangerous at times."
Luna turned with a stoic gaze. "'Tis this the truth? Then we shall remain extra vigilant! Come, fluttering pony, who knows what lurks in the shadows of the grove." Luna proceeded to scuttle away, eyes darting towards unseen foes. Fluttershy flew close by, mildly afraid but intent to discover Luna's purpose here, only for Luna to beat her to the question. "What brings you to these parts, my little pony?"
"Oh, I was helping Applejack with some gardening, I find it can be quite soothing." She looked up to Luna questioningly. "Um, Princess Luna? Why exactly are you here?" Her eyes widened in fright. "Is it something bad? Are we in danger?"
"Nay, but we cannot be too careful if this farm is as dangerous as you claim. We were simply lingering after being molested by Applejack's sister."
Fluttershy suddenly fainted.
Molest
Olde meaning
'To pester or harass (someone) in an aggressive or persistent manner.'
A prodding hoof soon awoke the slumbering Pegasus, who looked up to Luna in worry and shock. "Princess Luna, did you say that Apple Bloom, mole- mole-"
"Quite so, quiet friend." Luna sighed dramatically. "We simply wished to pet her puppy."
"Oh my, you poor dear." Fluttershy began to rub Luna's back. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Nay!" Luna looked away in shame. "It is too embarrassing to discuss."
"There's nothing to be embarrassed about, Princess Luna. It could have happened to anypony." Fluttershy met Luna with a small smile, which did much to improve Luna's diminishing happiness.
"Thank you for your kind words, subject! We must be away however! There are other ponies we must meet on this day." As she prepared to fly away, Luna momentarily pondered the correct way to say goodbye in contemporary society. "Toodles!" She shouted as she burst into the sky, Fluttershy waving behind her.
"She's so brave to put on a happy face for me." Her look then turned sour. "Apple Bloom is going to get a very stern talking to."
In the centre of Ponyville, Luna touched down nearby the pony she recognised as Rarity, who was currently wheeling a collection of dresses towards the Ponyville train station. She greeted Luna with a smile. "Why, Princess, how splendid to see you! I'm afraid I'm in quite a rush however, these dresses are overdue and must be in Canterlot by sundown."
Greeting the mare with a regal nod, Luna gazed upon the immaculate dresses Rarity had constructed, all the colours of the rainbow. They were so stunning that Luna repressed the desire to request one for herself then and there, instead choosing to simply compliment them as best she could with the words she now knew.
"These dresses are truly awful, Rarity!"
Rarity heard her heart shatter.
Awful
Olde meaning
'To be worthy of awe.'
For the second time that day a pony ran away from Luna with a disposition far from the gay one she had been hoping for. "Ugh! What is with everypony today? Why does nopony want to be gay with me!"
Several ponies looked her way disapprovingly, some with their hooves over their foal's ears. Luna found herself growing quite aggravated under their stares. "And just what is everypony looking at? Can I not ejaculate in peace?"
The crowd groaned in disgust.
Amongst the crowd was Rainbow Dash, who teetered towards Luna with an uneasy expression. "Uh, Princess, not that we're not happy with your life choices, but don't you think there's a time and a place for this sort of thing?" She wrung her hooves together, choosing her words carefully.
Luna could only grunt in disapproval, her eagerness to share her linguistic success with her friends rapidly diminishing. "But it is not fair, Rainbow Dash! I simply wished to spend my day making everypony gay! Is that so wrong?"
Rainbow rubbed her mane as Luna's embarrassing and public meltdown escalated. "It's just some ponies don't appreciate you being so open with this sort of thing, maybe if you talked to your sister or Twilight or..."
"What about you, Rainbow Dash?" Luna piped up, leaning down to Rainbow. Her voice was low and excited. "Will you be gay with us this day?"
Rainbow's sudden shock was quickly dissipated by the giggles she heard behind her. Her wings flapped to life as she gave Luna a rage filled glare. "You know, I'm sick of ponies like you making passes at me. This mane isn't a statement! I was born with it!"
Luna could not get a reply in before Rainbow shot off into the sky, a sonic rainboom exploding out seconds later. "What in Equestria was that about?" Luna pondered to herself, deciding to head in the direction of Twilight's library home, hoping that prehaps her sister's student could shed some light on just what was wrong with everypony today. Luna's pace almost ground to a halt as she came to a stark realisation; all these ponies had stormed off soon after she had used one of the words she had recently learned.
Could that be it? Luna thought to herself as the library drew closer. Have we perhaps mistakenly been insulting our friends this whole time with our linguistic prowess? The door to the library creaked open with a flick of her horn, and Luna chose to forgo the expected greetings and get straight to her point.
"Twilight Sparkle! We fear we have given rise to several boners all over town, what would you have us do?"
Boner
Olde meaning
'A stupid mistake.'
Author's Note
Never saw this fic idea done before, other than a throwaway line in one I read years ago about Luna using 'groovy'.
Short and silly, nothing more profound than that.
Edit: Due to the baffling success of this story, one more chapter will be coming soon.
Luna Gives Rise To Many Boners
"So many boners, Twilight Sparkle! Everypony saw them, oh 'tis a disaster beyond all measure!"
Luna hugged Twilight close, her last weeks lesson on 'intimacy' teaching her that the most effective way to deal with grief was through intimate contact. Twilight had not been informed of this fact.
"Oh, Twilight, what ever shall we do? All of Ponyville has seen our blunders, Celestia is most likely laughing at us from her tower, that tool!" Luna shook a hoof. “I know where you live, sister!”
Twilight was not listening, subtly attempting to pry herself away from Luna, but the wings enveloping her proved too strong. "Princess Luna are you feeling-"
"Gay? Nay!" she neighed. Luna was a wreck, rocking back and forth while appearing to ramble about the dangers of academics.
Twilight had had enough, her horn sparking to life as she teleported several feet away, causing Luna to fall on her face. The princess did not seem too bothered by this development, still too busy wallowing. "Alas, our efforts are all for naught. We shall forever be the lesser princess, forced to bathe in the pit of despair that is our existence."
Twilight was sure Luna's mane had grown several shades darker, quickly deciding that this had gone on far too long to be healthy. "You seem to be pretty upset, Princess Luna, and unfortunately bone-" she blinked. "That kind of stuff is beyond my expertise. I might have a book about them somewhere around here if you're happy to-"
"NO!" Luna proclaimed, her wings spreading wide and her head held regally. "Your assistance is no longer required, Twilight Sparkle. We are a Princess, and as a Princess we must be self sufficient! Nay, is it Ponyville itself that has wronged us!" Her nostrils flared. "Laugh at my boner will they? Well I'll show them! I'll show them how many boners Princess Luna can make!" She sprung out the door like a cat at it's prey, leaving Twilight to silently contemplate what in Equestria had just happened.
“Some mares have all the luck...” She said with pout.
Luna strode through the streets with refined purpose. Her linguistical expertise may not be quite as extensive as she had first thought, but it did not matter. She was a Princess and her knowledge had come from the most prestigious minds in all of Equestria. She was correct by default as far as she was concerned, regardless of what anypony said to the contrary.
So she would get out there, and by the time she was done this whole town would be gay.
Her first stop would be the one element left she had yet to greet; the pink one. Despite her efforts Luna still had trouble recalling everpony's name, but if memory served her right 'pink one' was an apt description. She did recall that this one was a decent party planner, something Luna felt she sorely needed. Sugarcube Corner was her destination, and for some reason Celestia crossed her mind as she spotted the pastry building at the end of the street.
Waltzing through the doors, Luna was so quick to speak that the bouncing Pinkie Pie wasn't even able to get the first word in.
“Bake us a cake like we used to bake faggots!”
Faggot
Olde Meaning
‘A bundle of sticks bound together as fuel.‘
Pinkie’s face became stone. She then bucked Luna out the doors.
Sprawling through the streets at a surprising speed, Luna came to a halt at the base of a park bench. She heard vague screaming in the distance. “No bigots allowed!” It seemed to be the pink one’s voice.
“This cannot stand,” Luna murmured to herself. She tried to stand up, and promptly banged her head on the bottom of the bench. She fell down face first and simply decided to lay there, much to the bemusement of the ponies walking past. One actually threw change at her.
“Perhaps we have been too zealous in our efforts, no pony seems to be appreciating them.” Luna leaned on a foreleg, her tone quite dramatic. “Perhaps it is simply time to settle down, move out and find a suitable husband.”
“Husband eh? Well Filthy Rich is here to oblige!”
Husband
Olde Meaning
‘Master of the house.’
Luna stood up properly this time, her face appearing appreciative. “You know where we could find a suitable husband, kind sir?” Luna was excited, a pony to organise her dwelling’s affairs would be quite welcome.
Filthy Rich adjusted his coat. “Well not to brag but I have something of a high opinion of myself.” He looked away in thought. If Spoiled wants to run off to Las Pegasus then go ahead! Let’s see her face when she sees I’ve courted a Princess. He approached Luna with wide smirk. “If you’re looking for a husband, Princess, look no further!” He tapped Luna on the rear.
Luna screamed.
“AHH! Unhand our posterior!” Filthy vanished in a flash of magic. “That is a pleasure reserved only to a few!”
When Filthy eventually awoke days later, he considered himself lucky he was only teleported to Baltimare and not the moon. Soon after he was to board a ship to begin his journey home, instead he mistakingly got on the boat to the undiscovered north and wasn’t seen again for years. No pony really noticed.
Back in Ponyville, Luna was more dejected than ever. “Just what is wrong with everypony in this town? I just want to be gay...” She sunk to the floor and cradled her head. “Instead I keep seeing boners.”
If Luna had been paying attention, she would have noticed Lyra Heartstrings sat behind her, on the bench Luna had been banging her head on previously. She looked very confused.
“I’m getting mixed messages here, Princess Luna,” Lyra said, ruffling her mane. She began to smile. “If you’re looking for a good time though, me and Bon Bon could show you one.”
Luna stood up with a smile herself. “Ha ha! Finally, a pony who gets me!” Luna pranced up to Lyra and hugged her tight. Lyra blushed. “Lead on, minty one! Your Princess has desires you may yet satisfy!”
Lyra began to lead Luna to her and Bon Bon’s house; a humble candy store secluded on one of Ponyville’s many streets. Telling Luna to make herself at home, Lyra went upstairs to where Bon Bon apparently was, inviting Luna up herself several minutes later to which Luna obeyed.
Luna fell down the stairs as she made a hasty escape, power walking down the street before breaking into a run. “How is it wearing more clothes is somehow more suggestive than wearing no clothes at all?!” Luna was blushing furiously. “Oh my, the green one is still cuffed to the bed.” Though she pitied the mare, Luna decided to keep running all the way up Canterlot mountain. By the time she reached the throne room, she looked as if she’d returned from war.
Celestia was sat smiling on the throne as normal, though Luna thought she looked rather more devious then usual. “How was your visit to Ponyville, sister?” She suppressed a snigger.
Luna appeared to pout. “I saw boners at every corner. Huge ones, not easily hidden.”
Celestia began to heave trying to not laugh.
Luna looked to the floor downcast, closing her eyes in shame. “We behaved much like a spastic.”
Spastic
Olde Meaning
‘Incompetent or uncoordinated.’
“Not too far off the mark there,” Celestia said under her breath, squeaking as she held in her laughs still. It took several minutes for her to settle down, at one point she even started punching herself. When she eventually gained a semblance of her regality, she approached Luna, laying a hoof on her shoulder. “Despite everything, Luna, the fact that you made the effort is very admirable.” Celestia then flicked her horn; a book flew into sight a second later. “For your next catch up session though, perhaps try something a bit more recent?”
The book was grasped in an instant and Luna hugged Celestia firm. “Thank you, sister! As ever, you are our greatest asset!”
The next morning Luna bucked the dining room doors in once more. Celestia’s held her face firm as she stayed sitting. “Good morning, Luna, how were your studies this time?”
“It’s been a hummer. Before I was beat up, jeff. But I’m hep, off to Ponyville, that joint is jumping.”
Celestia fell off her chair.
Author's Note
Chapter 2, only 2 years behind schedule.
