Twilight is Unamuse

by Endless Requiem

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Princess Celestia
Length: 2026

There are many things Twilight is not. Some days amuse is one of those.

Twilight Sparkle lives a very eventful life being both the Princess of Magic and the wielder of the Element of Magic. Most days it's a fun life, full of adventure, wonder, and her amazing group of friends.

Other days... not so much. Mainly due to said friends.

Rated T for hard cider and severely implied RariJack.

Published 2016-04-23 23:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-23 23:10:02 UTC

In Which Twilight is Very Unamused

"Ugh..." Twilight yawned as the sun rose over her crystal castle. The alacorn sat up in her bed and stretched and shook her head, attempting to shake off the tiredness and her burning headache. She had been up nearly all night for... well, she couldn't quite remember. She did know she ached all over though, like she had carried at least five ponies worth of weight on her back.

"Sleep well last night?"

"Ah!" Twilight yelled, falling off the bed attempting to swat the sudden invader. Rather than hit the cold crystal floor like she expected, however, she hit a blue feathery lump, waking it up.

"Oof! Hey, what's the big idea?" Rainbow Dash snapped, standing suddenly and throwing Twilight off into the clear quartz wall.

"Oops!" Pinkie Pie giggled from her perch up on the Princess's bed.

"What are you doing here?" Twilight asked, bringing a hoof to her forehead.

"Don't you remember?" Pinkie asked.

"Um... excuse me..." Twilight heard a familiar yet muffled voice from behind her. "You're um... crushing my lungs..."

Twilight moved away from the wall, letting Fluttershy fall and hit the floor with a thud. "Could somepony please explain what's going on here?"

"Well, darling-" Rarity started, getting up from the other side of the bed.

"Oh! Oh! Let me do the flashback! Pleaaaaaaaase? Please please please?" Pinkie yelped.

"Ugh... just explain why you all are here and why I have this burning headache..." Twilight groaned.

"Okay!" Pinkie chirped, jumping up and hitting her head on the ceiling before crashing down onto the bed, messing up the covers.

"It took me over two hours to cast a Never Mess enchant-" Twilight began, eye twitching.

"Story time!" Pinkie shouted, sitting up.

"Alright!" Rainbow Dash said, shoving Twilight out of the way

"Oof!" Twilight hit the wall. "What was-" she started before being cut off by the flashback.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So there ah was, surrounded by at least five Timberwolves, if not more." Twilight sat in the dim evening glow of Sugarcube Corner, listening to Applejack tell her story. Around her were the other Elements, listening quietly and intently and sipping cider, save for Rainbow Dash who had already drunk a bit too much. 4.589007 mugs to be exact.

"Five?" Rainbow burst in. "I'm -hic- surprised you can count that high."

"Honestly, ah am a bit too. Ah never could understand those fancy mathematics they tried to teach me at school," Applejack replied nonchalantly. Rarity and Twilight looked at each other, suppressing a giggle. Rainbow Dash nodded seriously in agreement.

"So anyways, as ah was saying-" Applejack was cut off again by Rainbow Dash.

"We should all totally have a drinking contest!" she interrupted, slamming her mug and hooves onto the surprisingly durable table.

"Are you sure that's a good idea, Rainbow?" Twilight asked. "I mean you're on your what, fifth mug while Rarity, Fluttershy, and I are still on our first-"

"I'm in!" Applejack half said, half shouted, accepting the challenge slamming her mug down as well.

"Ooh! Ooh! Me too!" Pinkie Pie added, nearly tipping over her seat bouncing in it. Scratch that, she did tip over her seat bouncing in it. She practically did a chin up as she grabbed the table and pulled herself and her stool. This was a very durable table.

"Well I suppose if you all, um, I might as well."

"Wait," Twilight looked at the speaker questioningly. "Fluttershy?"

"Well I don't really see why not..." was the only response from the butterscotch pegasus as she hid slightly behind her mane.

"I guess I might as well too," Rarity joined in.

"Wait, wait, wait," Twilight stopped them, raising a hoof. "If you all get hopped up on cider, who will take you all home? I'm not taking any of you all the way back to your houses, and I'm certainly not letting all of you stay at-"

Pinkie jumped onto the table and laid down, staring at Twilight. Her eyes grew wider and her bottom lip puckered out. This wasn't average pleading. This was... puppy dog eye pleading.

"No, no, no, I refuse to let you stay at my castle. You live right here in Sugarcube Corner anyway-"

She was cut off by Rarity joining in, closely followed by Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. Before Twilight knew it, even Applejack was wordlessly staring, giving Twilight the full blunt of the force of the wanting, adorable, pleading stares that were only growing stronger and stronger by the moment. The cuteness cut into her very soul. Finally, Twilight succumbed.

"Ugh... fine," Twilight said, hanging her head in defeat.

"Yay!" the other five cheered, hopping down from their stools to head towards the cider. Pinkie jumped off the table.

"I'm going to regret this in the morning..." Twilight shook her head and brought one of her hooves to her forehead and the other to steady the table. "What is this table even made of?" Twilight wondered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well that explains why you all are here," Twilight admitted. "It doesn't explain, however, why I'm the only one with a hangover when you all drank nearly ten times as much as me!"

"Don't you remember using your magic to transfer the hangovers to yourself?" Rarity asked, cocking her head.

"Why would I do something as dumb as-" Twilight stopped, seeing Pinkie open her mouth to speak. "Nevermind, I don't want to know. Just head home."

"Aw, but your bed is so comfy..." Pinkie complained.

"I didn't get much sleep either with AJ and Rarity fooling around over there, either..." Rainbow added.

"What?!?!" Rarity shouted.

"Oh yeah, I could see everything from up in Twilight's bed," Pinkie confirmed before whistling. Applejack remained sleeping peacefully.

Fluttershy removed her face from the floor. "I, um, heard it too," she said before planting her muzzle back into the crystal.

"I would never-" Rarity started furiously, blushing.

"I got it on tape!" Pinkie said, holding up a videotape. "Wanna watch it downstairs? I think Twilight got a tape player from her portal!"

"Sure! I'll get Spike to make the popcorn!" Rainbow Dash said, heading for the door with Pinkie.

"Oh no you don't!" Rarity screeched, tackling them both. Hooves and feathers flew as the fight rolled over Fluttershy and began to head towards Twilight.

"Wait! Wait-" Twilight yelped as she was caught in the flurry of punches and screaming. "Fluttershy! Applejack! Help!"

Applejack only snored in response and Fluttershy swatted the air dismissively from her spot. "I've learned to stay quiet and not get involved in fights," Fluttershy said, muffled by the floor. "Plus it's comfy here."

"Give me it!" Rarity yelled right in Twilight's ear.

"Nein!" Pinkie yelled back. The room went silent save for Applejack's snoring. Rainbow Dash paused mid punch. Pinkie's head retreated slightly into her neck as she made a blank expression. "Uh... I'mnotGermanbye!" she said quickly before dashing downstairs.

A pregnant pause hung in the air. "Get her!" Rarity finally yelled to Applejack. Applejack continued sleeping. Rarity shook her head and gave chase. Rainbow flared her wings and attempted to fly down the stairs but only managed to crash into the wall and come crashing down.

"Apples," Applejack mumbled in her sleep, oblivious.

"Ugh..." Twilight groaned. "I just woke up..."

"Having troubles, dear Twilight?"

"Ah!" Twilight fell over in surprise as a certain draconequus leaned over her. "Ugh, Discord, listen, I'm not in the mood for-"

"Watermelon? Cotton candy? Peanuts? Toast? Coconuts? This waffle in particular? Because I have plenty of other waffles," Discord said, snapping his talons and producing the assorted foods.

"No, ugh..." Twilight planted her face into the floor. "Just what do you want?" she asked.

"Well a tricycle wouldn't be too bad, but a unicycle is funnier-"

"No, I mean why are you here?"

"Well why are any of us here? I mean, I don't get it. You ponies, always obsessing over order over chaos when you all are a bunch of magical meat monsters on a rock that flies through an empty endless void with-"

"Why. Are. You. In. My. Home."

"Oh, that," he said, picking up the coconut he had conjured. "I was wondering why that even though coconuts have hair and produce milk they aren't considered mammals."

"Ugh... ask me stupid questions later."

"No, no, I'm serious!" Discord said, holding up his hands. "You sciency ponies love putting things in groups and orders by certain qualities, and coconuts contain the qualities of your so-called "mammal" group but you don't consider them mammals. I'm just asking why."

Twilight lifted her face from the ground, raised a hoof, and opened her mouth. She lowered her hoof slightly before waving it and planting her face back into the floor.

"Huh. Well Fluttershy, shall we go somewhere?" Discord said, picking up Fluttershy in his talons. Fluttershy just nodded slowly. "Alright!" he said, snapping his fingers, and the duo disappeared in a flash.

"Uhh... probably should head downstairs before they blow up the castle," Twilight sighed.

"Apples," Applejack agreed, still asleep.

Twilight got up and headed for the door. She could hear her window smash behind her. "Nope," she said and started to head downstairs.

"But Twilight," Celestia called out. "There's a massive monster I need you to fight!"

"Do it yourself for once!" Twilight called back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey Twilight!" Pinkie called out, sitting on a rather large couch that wasn't normally there downstairs. In front of her was a TV set. To her right was an empty seat, Rainbow Dash, and Starlight Glimmer. To her left was Spike and a tied up Rarity, mouth shut with duct tape. All of them had popcorn, including Rarity who had a bucket held snugly in her binds. Pinkie pulled out another bucket from behind the couch and offered it to Twilight. "You're just in time for the big show!" Pinkie said, patting the empty spot next to her.

Twilight reluctantly accepted the popcorn and sat down. "You all are okay with this?" she asked, looking over at the the captive Rarity.

"Mhmm!" they all said, nodding, save for a muffled yell from Rarity who fell over struggling.

"Even you, Spike?" Twilight asked, confused.

"Meh," he shrugged, propping Rarity back up. Pinkie put in the videotape and hit play. The screen flickered for a second before turning on.

"Hey, Appuljeck," Rarity said on screen, slurring her words so that they were barely understandable. The Rarity on the couch screamed a muffled scream. "Come over -hic- here, you slexy fahmpon- -hic- -ee."

"Apples," Applejack responded hypnotically. Pinkie, both on screen and on the couch, giggled.

"I've bane hold- -hic- -in this bhack for a whale -hic- now," the on screen Rarity continued. "Appuljerk," she said, putting her foreleg around Applejack's neck, "I thank I- I thunk I-"

Rarity hung her head down and made a less than pleasant sound. She lifted her head back up when she was done, wiping the last vomit from her face. "I think I love you."

"Apples," Applejack responded. The now sober Rarity had stopped squirming and was watching intently.

"Let me get some of that-" the Rarity on screen began as she moved her hoof along Applejack's back, interrupted by a massive black clawed fist crashing straight through the castle, breaking the TV and sending a still sleeping Applejack flying into Twilight, knocking over her and the couch. The others managed to jump out of the way.

"Oh come on! It was just getting good!" Starlight exclaimed as she rolled over, hitting the floor as rubble fell. Pinkie, Rainbow, Spike, and Rarity nodded in agreement.

"Hey!" Celestia called from the center of the fist. "Twilight!"

"What?" Twilight groaned, pushing Applejack off her.

"I tried that doing it myself thing. I think having you do it is way better than-" Celestia was cut off as the fist pulled back, getting ready for another punch.

"I," Twilight groaned as the fist began to fly towards her. "Am not amused."

Author's Note

My first attempt at comedy. Or oneshots. Or anything, really. Tell me how you liked it (or didn't)! It's quite a bit shorter than I'd like, but I'm working on it!