The Somber Tale of Adogo Dingle
This… Is How It Happened…
It was a chilly winter evening at the Sirens’ residence. The girls weren’t doing much; Sonata was in the kitchen attempting to make Tacos with just a potato, Aria was brooding in the corner reflecting on past events about three certain amulets that were now lost forever, and Adagio Dazzle was leaning forward on the black leather couch, gripping the controller of her games console with the strength of one hundred and one vices - it was a miracle how the device was still in one piece let alone able to function. The bombshell was in the middle of an intense boss fight in one of her new games she brought recently. The siren’s face flashed with anger once a message popped up on the flat-screen TV: “YOU DIED”
“Damn Nameless King!” cried the siren boss as she flung the controller across the room, smashing through a window and possibly hitting someone as evidence with their following cry of dismay, “Mah muffins!”
“Oh whatever, I’ll just summon an overpowered faggot later~” the solid singer said, slyly. Even though her seduction days were long gone—she tried to get the game by hypnotizing a store clerk, but ended up getting a six-month-old banana peel thrown in her face—she still found enjoyment in being a tantalizing tuna.
When her character respawned, the fishnet fish girl looked at her super deluxe, XXL mega television/movie projector screen with befuddlement. With her character standing over orange symbols on the floor, she read it aloud. “‘Try two-handling, but hole!’ Is that a secret technique to beating the boss!” she exclaimed, noob-ish joy filling her veins as she primed her character to a white-haired NPC; a forgettable, non important Flame Janitor or something. She would have to test it first, for she wasn’t one to be fooled easily.
“Adagio, we don’t have time to be playing games, we need to find a way to get our magic back!” Now on her feet, the grouchy teen-like siren neared the golden siren, standing before her - arms crossed in an annoyed fashion.
“Get out the way idiot, I have to know how Cinder Fall’s adventure ends!”
“Cinder Fall?” Aria repeated.
“What? It sounded appropriate… Because Lords of Cinder? Fire? Burning?”
Aria simply stared back with a blank expression that would make Sonata proud. “Okaaaay. Listen, Dagio, you haven’t been the same since we lost so I’m taking control so I order you to get off your ass and help me find the Rainboobs so we can force them to get our magic back.”
“Giiirls! Din-Din’s ready!” called Sonata from the kitchen.
“Coming, mum!” replied Adagio.
“See! When have you ever called Sonata other than ‘Living Failure of Aborted Tampon Babies’?” exclaimed Aria. Adagio, however was not paying attention, for she was too busy screaming at the screen again, her character being figuratively—and if you look at it sideways, literally—anally raped by Silver Knights; the YOU DIED message flashing in mocking, rapid succession.
The punk rock Poisson, fed up with being not noticed, roughly snatched the controller from former leader and throwing it out the window. “Oh no! Mah other muffins!”
“Look at me, Adagio! You turned into a fucking shut-in who only shit-posts on 4-chan and rages about the lack of Frostfire or Enablelize ships or whatever the fuck it is!” Aria yelled right in Adagio’s face.
“Pft, I do not,” replied Adagio, mashing the square button on a third controller.
“I said, Din-Din’s ready… Girls?” called Sonata from the kitchen, once again.
That was it. Aria walked out of the room and later returned with a sledgehammer. Aria readied the menacing tool, preparing to smash the screen into a million little pieces. “Up. Now.”
“Aria! No! Stop, I’m playing live! I can’t pause!” Aria didn’t believe her own ears, was Adagio… Begging? That loss really did hit her old boss hard if it devolved her into this. This was going to be fun.
“Listen up, Dagio. We’re going out, grab your coat or whatever; we have some old friends to visit.
“But… Bonfire! So close…” Aria shrugged and put all her strength into that single blow. Shattered glass lay messily on the floor, the golden siren found herself collapsed onto her knees like a human 9/11, sobbing uncontrollably by the remains of the TV.
“Hurry up, 'Diogio' we got work to do.” Aria growled as she dragged Adagio out the front door with her.
The door slammed shut behind them. After a pregnant pause, the blue fish woman called out again. “Girls?… The potato is getting cold!” More silence. “Yay! More for me!”
“I was right there… I killed the Fume Knight, the Bridge Watchdog, the Flame Sorcerers and was right there…” Adagio mumbled in the back of a rusted pickup truck, her features stuck as if she was having a Vietnam flashback. "Never forget."
“Fucking hell, Dagie, how much did that loss fuck you up?” Aria said, looking worryingly at Adagio. “I mean, I found a porn fan fiction of some ice cream chick raping a woman on fire on your laptop—”
“DON’T YOU FUCKING JUDGE ME, IT IS OTP!” interrupted Adagio, tears running down her unnoticed ‘Baked Alaska is my bae’ tee shirt.
Aria stopped talking to Adagio after that, it seemed like the Boss was far too gone for that. They drove in silence for at least an hour until Aria finally stopped the vehicle.
Adagio cautiously hopped off the truck and onto the muddy, grassy ground of a forest. The twilight sky was fading fast to one of ebony and specks of silver stars. “Why are we in the middle of the woods, Blaze?”
“The pride parade is here.”
“What? How can you be so sure?”
“I check their Facebook on a regular basis, they’re camping in this area… What? I only check for situations like this! Ugh the point is we’re gonna make them fix our amulets!”
Adagio eyed her former lackey curiously, “And how are we going to do that? They have magic, we don’t, and we’re at a disadvantage here.”
“It’s simple, really.” Aria opened the door to the driver’s seat and retrieved a loaded double barrel shotgun. “Shall we?” Aria smirked and made her way through the dense forest. She was going to rebuild her Boss. A Bigger Boss.
“W-what? Aria, thy surely be mad!” Adagio squealed, her fear so strong it reverted her to a ‘ye old’ English maiden.
“Oh shut up, I know the old Diamond Dingo Dazzle in there has been lusting for this.” Aria loaded—pointless, as it was, for the gun was already pre-loaded—the double barrel, throwing a couple of slugs in her pocket for backup ammunition. Adagio hesitantly followed her.
“W-what if they power up, my dearest Aria! Surely bullets cannot melt friendship beams!” Adagio began to pull on Aria’s blazer, urging her to turn back. The image of a frightened, stupid tee-shirt-wearing Adagio steeled the purple brute’s resolve.
“They will fix what they did to you, one way”—Aria cocked the shotgun, put on aviators, and equipped a bomber jacket over her punk vest all in one motion—”Or another.”
“YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” screamed Pinkie, “That warm up song was totally awesome!”
“… Pinkie, I didn’t know you could scream like a dude,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Well duh! Of course I can! How do you think I won Drag King of the Year?”
“You… Did?”
“Yeah! I got the trophy right here!” Pinkie Pie said as she pulled a massive golden trophy out her skirt pocket.
Aria and Adagio crept behind a bush and watched the group of girls closely.
“Wow! That’s one heck of a trophy you got there Pinkie!” Sunset gushed.
Immediately the rest of the girls quieted down.
“Oh… Sunset… You’re still here? Uh oh, uhh… l-look we’re pretty low on firewood, how about you go venture into the forest alone to get some more?” Asked the not so secretly closeted rainbow.
“But… There’s some right the—” Sunset cut herself off as she watched Fluttershy grab the spare bundle of twigs and stuff it down her bra.
“N-nope. Sorry, all out of faggots,” Fluttershy said nervously.
Sunset sighed, “Okay. I guess I’ll see you later…” The only real pony girl stood up and trudged into the forest.
“Don’t worry, Sunny, your demon powers will save you if you run into any trouble!” Applejack called out.
Sunset, with a defeated horse girl sigh, walked away to fetch more firewood, letting out little horse girl whimpers of horse girl sadness. “… Gawddamn hay-eatin’ bitch,” Applejack Daniels said once the eldritch abomination was out of earshot, accompanied with a mighty chortle.
Aria, watching the whole encounter, chuckled silently. “She’ll be eating a lot more than just hay, soon,” the soon-to-be schoolgirl shooter said, cocking her gun again.
“I know right, she’s such a unlikeable cunt,” joined Gaydyke Dash.
“More like, ‘unshootable cunt.’” Aria cocked the gun again.
“She’s such a party-pooper!” retorted Cocaine Pie.
“More like, ‘party-shooter.’” Another cock.
“She’s such a carpet-munching dyke,” Fuck-me Shy replied.
“More like, ‘bullet-shooting… d-dyke’… yea.” A stuttering gun cock. Aria was steadily becoming a living cock factory.
“Aria, my dear, how doest thou cocketh a double-barrel?” Adagio asked, looking at the accumulating mass of shotgun shells along her feet.
“More like, ‘shooteth—wait, that wasn’t a insult… um… FREEZE!” Aria then jumped out from the bushes.
Rarity screamed, "What on earth are you thinking? You can't go wearing aviators at night! What are you? Stuck in the nineties— oh I feel so sick!" Rarity then proceeded to empty her stomach contents on floor, for Aria's terrible dress sense was too strong.
At least a good minute had past before Pinkie, Dash and Jackapple looked back at Fluttershy.
"What? O-oh, I mean… Oh dear…" And so it was, nature was back in order again.
"Fluttershy, you deal with Rarity, we're gonna see what the wild salmon wants," ordered Raindash.
Fluttershy nodded and hauled Rarity out of sight with her brutish emo hedgehog strength that she secretly possessed.
"Think they lookin' for fish food?" inquired the stereotypical Texan girl.
"Shut up, blondie, you know why we're here." Aria cocked the gun again - it was becoming a crippling addiction that she needed serious help with.
"… Lesbian slumber party~” Pinkie pie asked with the slyness of a fox.
"N-no! Not that… Maybe later," Aria mumbled the last bit before continuing, "we want you to fix our amulets or we'll kill you."
"Hey wait, I thought Ayangio— or whatever she's called was the boss!"
"Well thanks to you horse fuckers she broke!" roared the purple punk.
Adagio, who was now hiding behind Aria, spoke, "Ari, she's been mean to me! Kill her!"
"I will," Aria affirmed, not caring that Adagio's English was brought back to the times, "But first"—she turned to Pinkie, who was staring directly at her tits—"Tell me… Do you bleed?" Aria cocked the gun again, her addiction holding strong.
"No, that was last week," replied the pink overload of mental disorders.
"Oh… Fuck, well"—Aria cocked her addiction—"You will." Without hesitation, Aria raised her gun, and fired at Pinkie.
"OH FUCK, MY TITS! BLOODY 'ELL, YA FOOKIN' CUNT!" screamed Sunset Shimmer, the bullet completely missing Pinkie and hitting the horse girl that was thirty yards behind her and a tree. "ME BLOODY TITS ARE BLOODY BLEEDIN', YEA? BLOODY BOTHERIN' BISCUITS, BRAV!" Cockney Shimmer continued to howl in British rage.
"Aria, I love you so much right now, have my lesbian children," Dykedyke Dash said, her knickers soaked, right proper.
"Don't you see? I can't! My cold, black heart of ebony is incapable of love - you'll just get hurt." Aria's voice was laced with angst as she spoke… She then cocked the shotgun again.
"Oi, fam! I'm bleedin' out here you daft cows! Call 999! — AGH!" Aria fired again at Sun Brit without taking her pools of amethyst off her forbidden love - Rainbow Dash.
"It's rather true you know, Aria is too tsundere to talk to girls she likes," confirmed Afagio.
"S-shut up! Baka!" Aria dug her metaphorical grave deeper though she did work as an undertaker but that's beside the point.
"YOU FOOLISH MORTALS!" boomed a demonic voice, "You think you could kill me!? You'll pay for your insolence!"
"Oh god it's Cinder Fal— oh never mind, it’s just Sunset," Pinkie said.
The girls continued to ignore the demon horse girl as they gathered around the campfire to tell spooky stories.
"And then… She locked the man in that very room to this very day, forever… AND THEN SHE KILLED HIM!"
The girls screamed in unbridled horror at the shocking tale. "I think I pooped…" Fluttershy whispered, embarrassed.
"If my panties weren't already soaked with the tidal force of Neptune, I would've pissed myself… Seriously, the physical off balance of my pH is probably lethal," stated Carpet Muncher, the literal 'water'fall erupting from beneath her skirt drowned the campfire and Sunbutch, who was still on the floor, bleeding to death until she died.
"That was so scary, it scared away my accent," said Apples, while spiraling into stage-three depression and battling her newly acquired suicidal tendencies. "I feel so cold without my accent…"
Aria, ignoring the redneck girl trying to swallow the barrel of her gun, held firm with her tsundereness. "I-I-I wasn't scared! B-baka!" shrieked Aria, which was a complete lie, evident by her consistent fear cocking.
Adagio stared blankly at the completely ruined fire, clutching her Baked Alaska tee shirt with her life. "D-don't worry girls, it's j-just a scary story. Isn't that right, Spooky Ghost Lady from the Story?"
Spooky Ghost Lady from the Story shivered violently, "Y-yea! J-j-just a story!"
Pinkie was fear-finger-fucking Rarity, who had fainted ten times from the story and was probably in a permanent comatose state. "I think my poop just pooped itself!"
Apple girl couldn't take it anymore; without that accent she was just another unless, unnoticed background character. She committed ritual seppuku with Spooky Ghost Lady's flaming sword of death and then she fell on the floor crying blood. "Why God! Why have you forsaken me so?" And then applejack died from death. Sunslut was also dead, but unlike her, people actually cared.
"Applejack! No!" shouted Fluttershy. The shy haired pink girl cradled the Texan in her arms. "Please! Don't go, baby girl! I love you!"
"Tell Sunset… She's a fucking bitch." Applejack then died.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Shutterfly went Super Saiyan and burned the entire forest down where only ash and Cinder remained—like a shitty combination of Pearl Harbor, The Blitz, and one muslim suicide bomber. Cinder Fall, who was confused how she suddenly got there, shrugged and continued looking like an obvious evil villain in a school girl outfit—Adagio admired how the woman made a school girl uniform look threatening.
Crushing Sunset's charred skull beneath her boot, which actually removed a bit of her insight, Yang Xiao Long approached the ash-covered teens.
"Hey, you… Uh…" Yang hesitated for a bit, a little confused as to why these girls were covered in luminescent paint and ash—that wasn't paint, was it? She shrugged off the thought and continued anyway, "Whatever you things are, have you seen a woman dressed as a school girl uniform around here? She's the evilest bitch around and stole that sexy uniform from my sexy sister! She needs to be put down, sexily!"
Rarity awoken with a start, gazing at Yang with the ferocity of a 1st world, upper-middle class feminist. "Things? Did you just refer to us as ‘Things’! How dare you use such derogatory pronouns, you cis scum! I WILL ONLY ACKNOWLEDGE GENDER FLUID PRONOUNS, SUCH AS 'ZHE' OR 'ZER' OR 'TRANSFORMING TRANNY TRANSFORMER FROM TRANSYLVANIA'!!! WHITE, CIS SCUM LIKE YOU IS THE REASON PATRIARCHIC OPPRESSION STILL EXISTS!! DEATH TO THE PENIS! ALLAH AKBAAAAAAR!!!" As Rarity exploded, her purple hair turned into a period red: she was Super Femisaiyan.
"Ohhhhhhh, SHIT—" Yang was immediately bombarded by the immediately spiritual wrath of a thousand Tumblr SJWs. Aria's gun shat itself in fear, the bullets dropping out as fast as the 'wage gap' statistic and ‘rape culture’ claims were being thrown around.
"N-no one could survive such a horrible fate," Cinder said, her eyes swelling with blood tears, because bad guys can't cry.
In the distance, the sorrowed wails of an ice cream cone rang across the world, mutely.
Once the smoke cleared, Yang still stood, encased in the flames of hell; eyes as red as a dragon's blood, the buff blonde roared, "Stop right there, feminazi scum!" Each word dripped with poison and literal fire. Yang was very Yangry.
"W-What!?" Rarity gasped, all of her Japanese schoolgirl-ness pouring into the act.
"Because…"—Yang created and equipped a pair of fireproof aviators with a nine-month pregnant pause—"… Feminist fuel can't melt Yang beams."
One Punch later and Rarity was a pile of anticlimactic, smouldering ash on the floor. "Oh my god, you killed Rarity!" shrieked Pinkie Pie who then looked at Rainbow, hoping the daft pussy devourer would get the reference. She did not. There was an awkward silence after that.
Suddenly an ice cream truck descended from the heavens and landed on Shy Guy and Apple's remains. They died forever.
Pinkie approached the side of the van, uncaring that everyone she loved were dying all around her, "Hi! Do you sell ice cream?"
"No. We only sell naan," replied a deep, burly voice.
"But—"
"Silence!" The female midget driver then sped off and rammed into Cinder Fall, knocking her into the sky.
"TEAM CMEN BLASTS OFF AGAAAAAAIN!"
The evil menace that was Cinderp Fell was defeated. Peace broke out, but at what cost? No cost really, except for the World Trade Center being rebuilt and destroyed; half of Israel was submerged in pussy juice; Lesbos was renamed Dickbros; and every main character pretty much died. But considering that Applejack is (was) the worst background human and that other one— wait was there another one? Probably. The point is Sunset wasn't hotter than an actual sun, and the remaining girls celebrated their epic victory by smoking some dank memes. The Ghost Lady—that was actually called Marie—whom used to be a maid when she was alive, made out with Yang since she was the only girl that could touch her because Yang still burned. She made for a good heater in the winter and when she was inside Winter. Winter is still recovering from her traumatic experience. Ruby never did find her super sexy uniform and so attended class naked, where all the white-haired tsundere girls molested and abducted her for Ruby's allure was too much. She has yet to be found.
Adagio, Aria, Bang Bang McOrphancrippler—Aria's shotgun, new best friend, and one-time accidental lover—and the rest all died because drugs are bad and winners don't take drugs. Also, Sonata was later arrested for potato sexual abuse and is currently serving her time in the gayest prison around: Toys 'R' Us.
The end.
Author's Note
While yes, I was dead—it's rather a bother to escape a coffin—I return, but with a new purpose. No longer are the days of silliness; from now on, it's completely true events with a deeper meaning behind the scenes. So please, let this riveting tale change your life like how it did for the people of West Egypt.
Tata~ 
