Celestia Challenged Me To A Rap Battle

by Prince Conjure

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy
Length: 2471

Anon has been invited to have tea, scones, and rap against a Princess.

Anon was invited by Celestia to partake in a friendly match of rap battling. Anon "graciously" accepts. Things take an unexpected turn, but nothing Anon isn't ready for.

[Description written by Celestia. Co-written by Pinkie Pie]

Collaboration with Chillbook1
Mild swearing is used.

Published 2016-04-24 02:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-24 02:40:01 UTC

Nobles

Nobility.

I will never see nobility the same way ever again.

There’s a certain fear you develop when you hear a princess, especially one of such high prestige and honor, say something so ludicrous and baffling as what the Princess of the Sun said to me right then.

“Rap battles are ‘hip’ and ‘cool’, as I am informed,” said Celestia. “And I hear that you two are the best in the business.”

“Huh?” I asked. Fluttershy stood next to me.

“That’s the truth,” said Fluttershy, fully reverted from her shy nature. She seemed ready to go.

“Splendid then” responded Celestia, with a smile. She was face to face with me, which was odd to see in this land of short ponies. It was also a little unnerving. “And so? What is your answer?”

“No,” I said flatly. This was perfect. Pinkie wasn’t here to harass me into doing anything. “You see, I am retired from the rap battle scene.”

“That’s unfortunate,” she said. “However, Pinkie told me that you would be reluctant, and prepared a counter just in case.”

“Goddamn, that conniving pink horse.”

“My sister is Luna, Princess of the Moon and all underneath its glow,” she explained. “Usually, I am asleep during this time. She always teases me about my dreams.”

“Your… dreams?”

“Yes,” she answered. “Your dreams, Anon. My sister can view your dreams if she so pleases.”

“So?” I asked, looking away. “It’s not like I have anything to hide…”

“Ah, I see,” said Celestia. “So, you don’t mind me telling Fluttershy about the broom incident, do you?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I said. “Let’s not get crazy.”

“Has your mind changed?”

“N-no,” I said, stubbornly. “I just rather you keep that under—”

“So, Fluttershy,” started Celestia. “This one time, Anon and his girlfriend made a bet—”

“NO!” I yelled, covering my ears. “O-okay! I’ll rap battle you!”

“That’s the spirit, Anon,” said Celestia with another, slightly more devilish smile.

“You and your girlfriend made a bet…” said Fluttershy. “What does that have to do with a broom?”

“Forget it…” I said desperately. “Please forget it…”

“We should depart the castle soon,” said Celestia. “ I doubt the crowd wants to be held back much longer.”

“There’s a crowd now,” I said wearily. “Why is there a crowd?”

“Imagine this,” said Fluttershy. “A princess goes up against the only human in Equestria. It’s something you don’t want to miss.”

“I guess so,” I said. “Still doesn’t make it okay…”

“What happened with that broom?”

“Fluttershy, I will give you belly rubs for an entire year if you forget about that broom,” I said.

“Deal.”

Outside, in a massive courtyard, stood a crowd of ponies as far as the eye could see. Instead of a small turntable that Pinkie used before, a huge stereo system almost as tall as a 5 story house stood to the wall. In the middle of the large speakers stood the bright pink, joyful, demonic pony. When I looked up to her, she waved a hoof.

“Here we are,” said Celestia, turning to face me. “I believe it is me that should go first?”

“By all means,” I said. She levitated a mic to her face and started her verse.

Flat. It’s how you’ll be crushed by my words.
Defeating me here? Absolutely absurd.
You won’t hear a better voice from a songbird.
I go slow so I don’t slur and refuse to be deterred.

Murder is something I can only do verbally.
I’m meaningful and royal as I rap to the earnest beat.

Let me speed it up, however, as the beat is getting faster.
Master paces you can’t touch because I am the Archmage: Caster.
Plaster rhymes upon the wall and brings about total disaster.
Shatter what you hold onto with rhymes and beats like a real rapper.

This may be harsh, and this may be cold.
But I’ve heard better raps from a disabled foal.
I know rapping against me can take its toll.
So kneel down and kiss my hooves. Do as you're told.

After such a demanding verse, she just handed me the mic and extended her hoof.

“Well?” she asked.

“I’m not going to actually kiss your hoof,” said Anon.

“Hmph.” She put her hoof back on the ground. “I didn’t want your filthy lips on my hooves anyway.”

“Wow,” I grumbled. “Is it just me, or did you just get super condescending…” I sighed and looked back at Fluttershy. “You wanna take this one?”

“I’m still trying to figure out what happened with that broom.”

“I’ll… leave you to that.” I turned, sighed, and put the mic to my lips.

I see no reason to hold back cause you’re getting pretty feisty.

So I’m canning my sweet words: no need for niceties.

My words are silly, but long, like this:
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
But I get mad mares and each one wants a kiss
They like my Super baller swagalicious sexy hella dopeness

I'm killing goddesses, you can call me Kratos.
Unbroken winning streaks? I straight up end those.

Check my record, it's 2-0, I'm mad tight.
We ain't the same, I'm too cold, you're alright.
I'm beast, I hit hard, you're too old, you hit slight
Say hi to Luna when I knock you out; Night-night

I made a punching motion towards Celestia making the crowd go wild. In my fist, I handed the mic to her. She took it in her magic.

“Quite the verse,” said Celestia. “However I—”

Her voice was drowned out like my head was submerged in water. I raised an eyebrow, as she began to blink sleepily, slowly falling to the ground.

“What’s happening?’ I asked. I also started to feel pretty drowsy. I yawned and slowly sat down. “Nobody’ll mind me if I just take a… small nap…” I fell unconscious after that. Unsure of what exactly happened, I woke up a few minutes later, I assume, in a blackened version of our world. Everything seemed upside down, but nothing was falling. As I got to my feet, I started to hear again.

“—is never going to happen,” said Celestia. She stood in front of a tall and slender brown creature that looked like a mish mosh of different animals: both fictional and real. “I will do everything in my power to stop you.”

“You make me out to be so sinister,” said the creature. “I just want to have fun like everyone else here.”

The crowd was uproarious with yells of panic and confusion. Fluttershy trotted up to me, a look of concern on her face.

“Discord,” she said tiredly. “Not everyone has the same sense of humor as you do. Please fix this.”

“Oh, Fluttershy,” said Discord with a smile. “You would know better than anyone how beautiful I find chaos.” He snapped his fingers and reappeared next to Fluttershy, grabbing her up and marveling at his own world. “I’d expect a friend to understand.”

“Friend?” I asked, speaking up for the first time. “You know this guy?”

“Yes, I do,” said Fluttershy uncomfortably. “He’s my friend, Discord. He can be unreasonable at times.”

“Ah,” said the creature, dropping Fluttershy to her hooves. “You must be the human I’ve heard so much about. I must say, you’re not that impressive from here…”

“How have you heard of me?” I asked. “Oh wait. Everybody knows who I am by now.”

“I was asking Celestia before, however, she seems to disagree,” Discord smirked. “Wouldn’t a rap battle against me be just so much fun?”

“So now I’m being coerced into fighting a… chimera?”

“I prefer Draconequus,” he said.

“And if I battle you, can we go back to our dimension?”

“I promise,” he said slyly. “ I sighed and turned towards Celestia. “Sorry Princess, but our bout is going to have to wait.” I walked up to the creature, picked a mic up from the floor, and put it to my lips.

Your name might mean chaos, but I’m about to bring the discord.
Making you shake and shiver with every single chord.

You’re a mash-up of creatures, and even still I’m not fretting.
Cause even with all that, I can’t see anything threatening.

I’m keeping this short, no need to be verbose
My words are poisonous, so be sure not to overdose.

I’m getting tired of ripping fools into little bits and pieces.
No need to be extreme and even less to cease this.
Yeah, I’m raising morale, watch as it increases.
It’s at the end of the verse that you can call for releases.

At the end of my verse, Discord broke out into applause, much to the confusion of the crowd and myself.

“Magnificent!” he complimented. “Stupendously amazing!”

“Thanks…” I said. “So, can we go back now?”

“Oh no,” he said, snapping his fingers. The mic was ripped from my grasp and ended up in his. “It wouldn’t be much of a rap battle if only one rapper went, now would it?”

“Yeah…” I said. Something about this guy put me on edge. Maybe it was the fact that he literally decided everyone in the dimension’s fate.

Yeah, that’s probably it.

In this battle of words, I’m ready to spar.
I’m exquisite and classy while you’re sub par.
Facing me? How lucky you are!
That you’ll be incinerated along with this world in tar.

A little to harsh for you? Well, that’s unfortunate.
My skill against yours is far too disproportionate.
I’m the King of Chaos! My definition is insubordinate!
My tongue twisters actually twist! Someone get a contortionist.

I advise you get up and make the appropriate measures.
Because I will give no mercy. None whatsoever.

Use my verse as a template or paradigm.
Or else in this universe, you, I will confine.

His slithery voice ended his verse on a more serious note. Even still, I could help but smile.

“So that was it, hm?” I asked. He handed me the mic and smiled back, but with a more sinister connotation. “At least now I know something I didn’t before.”

“Humor me, then,” said Discord. “What, exactly, did you learn?”

“That I should go all out,” I said. “Hey, if my life is on the line for this, I’m gonna spit some straight fire.” I looked towards Pinkie, who was sitting upside down in her DJ carriage happily bouncing. “YO, PINKIE. SPIN THAT SHIT!”

“Roger!” she yelled back, putting on a new beat. I bopped my head to the beat and put the mic to my lips.

It’s time to pick you apart and rip you up bit by bit.
You hear the flies, Discord? It’s cause your bars are shit.

So you have to kidnap to get company? Hey, where’s your missy?
I can hear Mama Discord from here saying “Clean your room, Dissy!”
You’re ditzy and clumsy. It’s no wonder you shot and missed me.
And yeah, I’m mad, bro. What you said just got me pissy!

You better hope soon Tia comes to your aid
Cause my lines'll slice you up like my tongue is a blade
God-slaying flow? Yeah, I got that in spades
I've heard more vicious rhymes from my baby sister Jade

Fluttershy stopped me in the middle of my verse.

“You have a baby sister?” she asked. “Do you have a picture?”

“Yeah,” I pulled out my wallet and flipped it open, showing the picture of my younger sister. “She’ll be 8 in a few months.”

“Aww,” said Fluttershy.

They call me Anon ‘cause I’m no one in particular.
You’re getting beat by a no one whose rhyme scheme is simpler?
A no one whose flames are hotter than a kindler's?
A no one who's got tricks, but isn’t a swindler?
A no one who’s blasting you with words like he’s holding a sprinkler?!
A no one who isn’t a rapper, but is indeed a practitioner?!
A no one who’s giving you rhymes that are easy to administer?!
This no one’s handing the mic to someone else. One who is insecure.

Fluttershy took the mic and walked forwards.

“Come now, Fluttershy,” said Discord. “Surely, you will have my back?”

“Sorry, Discord,” said Fluttershy. “But I’ve got to end this.” She put the mic to her lips. “I have one last thing to say.”

In regards to Anon, his verse I’ll resume.
Discord, I’m sorry, but this has become your tomb.
I’m weaving this verse like I’m a human loom.
And put you in a bad spot like Anon with the broom.

“Okay, Fluttershy,” I said, shaking my head. “You just lost your belly rubbing privileges.”

“R-really?” she asked. “I didn’t know what else to rhyme with! Broom came to my mind and before I knew it, that’s what I said!”

“Tough luck,” I said. “No more belly rubs for you.”

“Please?”

“Nope.”

“Pretty please?”

“Nada,” I said, shaking my head.

“Anon?” asked Fluttershy. “Do I need to use it?”

“What is ‘it’?” I asked.

“My diabetes stare,” she answered. “A single glance can give you diabetes from its sweetness, or kill you from cuteness overdose.”

“H-how many times cuter than kitten pictures on the internet?”

“At least a hundred thousand,” she answered with a smile. I sighed.

“Fine, I’ll keep the belly rubs promise.” Discord was smirking at us, all hints of conflict gone.

“I suppose I should keep my promises as well,” said Discord. “You battled well, Anon. “ He snapped his fingers, and I slowly lost consciousness. After falling to the ground, I heard the slow chucklings of a certain pony.

“Enjoy your sleep, Anon,” said Pinkie. “These days won’t last long.”

“Oh my Celestia, Anon,” said Pinkie who was after the fact. “I can’t believe you did thirty shots of Jäger off of Discord’s back!”

“I swear, these are getting more intense and unbelievable by the second,” I commented.

“So, are you ready for your next challenge?”

“Listen to me, Pinkie,” I said, grabbing her by the shoulders. “I’d much rather get cancer than rap another battle.”

“Aw, okay…” she said. “I’ll ask Conjure to make this the last one.”

“Who?”

“I’m not sure if he’ll comply, though.”

“Wait, hold on. Who is this Conjure guy?”

“Actually, I’m pretty sure he won’t comply,” she said with a shake of her head. “Do you know why, Anon?”

“I don’t even know what’s going on anymore.”

“It’s cause he’s not a rapper.” Pinkie looked out into the distance. “And don’t you forget it!”

“I’m going home.”

Author's Note

That was the story, I hope you enjoyed.
This is a sequel that I could not avoid.

Please like and follow both me and Chillbook.
If you like the style, go to my page and take a look!

Anyway, that's it. I wouldn't want to go awry.
So how should I end this? Hm... Oh. Bye!