Chapters So You Wanna Kill An Alicorn?
Trixie stared at the assuredly ancient tome before her with a blend of confusion and intrigue. She ignored the grumbling of her empty stomach, instead focusing on her passage on magical theory. She hadn’t left her borrowed room in the demolished Castle of the Two Sisters in several days, and she probably wouldn't leave for another few days once she returned with food. For now, food was beneath her. What Trixie was interested most in was the book in front of her: Arcana Mysterium- The Complete Almanac of Magicks and Witchery by the great unicorn mage known as Starswirl the Bearded.
Well, that's what she thought she was reading. The real book was only printed once, with the sole copy of it residing in Princess Twilight’s personal collection. What Trixie had found was a knock-off titled Arcano Mysterio- The Complete Journal of Magic and Sorcery . This book was written by a pony named Star Blur , who wasn't the same as Starswirl at all. Star Blur was a mare, presumably one without a beard, and not actually a great unicorn mage. Or even a unicorn mage. Or even a unicorn. What a pegasus cloud farmer was doing writing magical tomes, the world may never know. The book wasn't even all that old, having been published maybe three years prior. Unfortunately for Trixie, she didn't take the time to notice. Even if she did notice, she likely would not have cared. She was too consumed with her revenge.
Trixie wanted her revenge, despite how little sense that made. The last time she was in Ponyville, which was also for revenge, she was completely forgiven. She seemed to turn over a new leaf. Then, when Princess Twilight earned her castle and then bested yet another adversary, Trixie felt her blood boil with envy. Mostly, she was imagining how beautiful, comfortable, and warm the castle is, whereas Trixie was stuck squatting in a broken down, dilapidated castle (and castle was a very, very giving term).
As such, Trixie had spent the last few weeks studying Arcano Mysterio, searching for a way to gain power. So far, she hasn't found much of consequence. In fact, Trixie had yet to find anything she could actually use, and she was just about to give up when she uncovered a very interesting passage near the back of the book.
“Alicorn Power Transfer,” Trixie read aloud. “It is nigh impossible to transfer Alicorn Magic from one vessel to another, though a few cases have been documented. The process of Alicorn Power Transfer (APT) is both unpredictable and highly volatile, under most attempts to simply remove the magic. However, APT happens automatically when an alicorn dies. At death, the magic will evacuate the alicorn’s body and seek solace in the body of the nearest, habitable pony.”
And then, it all clicked. Trixie knew what she had to do. She hardly even had to convince herself. In order to get ultimate power—and her revenge—Trixie would need to kill an alicorn.
She ignored the fact that what she had planned was basically impossible for the strongest of magical creatures and was actually impossible for her. She just decided that she'd do it. Lucky for her, there was an alicorn just within walking distance.
“But how is Trixie going to kill Twilight Sparkle?” Trixie asked herself. “If only there was some sort of minute murder magic that Trixie could use.” Trixie turned her page, skimming through the list of charms on the next page. She grinned at the sight of the spell at the top of the page.
Minute Murder Magic.
“Perfect! Now all Trixie has to do is learn this incantation, walk over to Ponyville, and kill Twilight Sparkle!” Trixie clapped her hooves together in glee. “With her power in tow, I can move on to kill Celestia and Luna! I will become the most powerful alicorn there ever was! Then, Equestria will be mine! All mine! Mwahahahahahaha!”
Trixie continued her evil, maniacal laughter for thirty-four minutes, only stopping because she had forgotten to breathe and subsequently passed out. When she awoke, Trixie had entirely forgotten about her entire plan. Her empty stomach sent pangs through her body, and so she set off for Ponyville to gather sustenance. When she returned with her basket of apples and jar of peanut butter, she tripped over her book and was flooded with remembrance.
“Oh, right,” said Trixie, licking the sweet, smooth, creamy peanut butter from her lips. “Trixie was supposed to murder Twilight to steal her power.” She glanced out of the window, noting that the sun was beginning to set. “Oh, well. Trixie will make her move tomorrow.”
Trixie took her jar to her favorite sleeping corner, licking the peanut butter out as she settled down for bed. She fell asleep seconds after she finished her jar.
“Alright, Spike,” said Twilight, closing her book and setting it down onto the grass. “Are we ready?”
“Sure thing, Twilight,” said Spike. He held in his claws two glistening silver orbs, with six more near his feet. “Uh… What are these again?”
“Schmidtium orbs. The most unbreakable material in nine realms.” Twilight looked around, making sure that there would be no random civilians wandering into her carefully taped-off practice area. When she was sure that the outside of her castle was deserted, she prepared her magic for the upcoming test.
“Why are you trying to break them again?”
“I want to know how powerful my magic is now that I’ve properly settled into my alicornism,” explained Twilight. “I could dent Schmidtium before, so let’s see how it holds up to my new and improved magic.”
“Okay, then. Ready? 3! 2! 1!”
Spike tossed the first two orbs up into the air as high as he could, then bent over to scoop up another two. He barely had time to complete this quick movement before he heard the whizz of Twilight’s spell through the air, followed immediately by the loud, reality-rending shriek of the Schmidtium exploding into tiny fragments. Not missing a beat, Spike tossed another two orbs into the air and was met with similar results. They repeated this process a few more times until all of the Schmidtium orbs were reduced to shrapnel.
“Not too shabby, if I do say so myself,” said Twilight. She had hardly broken a sweat. “Alright, Spike. What next?”
“Let’s see…” Spike unrolled a piece of parchment to take a glance at their schedule. “Necromancy spell.”
“Aww. That’s easy,” said Twilight, pouting her lips slightly. She lit up her horn and pointed it to the ground. Several thin beams of purple light impacted the ground, shattering the earth and causing it to tremble. A single bony hoof pushed itself to the surface, followed by another, and another, until about twelve skeletal hooves were poking from beneath the ground.
“Princess… ”
The bony figures pulled themselves up, undead ponies of bone with burning golden flames in their otherwise vacant eye sockets. They were all barren, with the exception of the one nearest to Twilight, who had a dented golden helmet.
“We live and die to protect the Princess!” He growled, his voice rattling like his very own bones in the wind. “We will slay any being that threatens her Royal Highness, Twilight Sparkle! Threats to the crown will be eradicated with the most vicious of attacks! We will burn their flesh, rend their bone, and make grand temples from their corpses! We will—”
“Yes, thank you, Azoth. Just practicing my magic,” said Twilight. “You are dismissed.”
“Yes, ma’am!” The bone ponies collapsed into a pile of bones and sank into the ground from whence they came.
“Anything else?” Twilight barely got her question out before a yawn. “Something tougher.”
“Er...Oh! Cloning Spell,” supplied Spike. Twilight nodded, then twirled her horn through the air, letting shimmering sparks dance down from her head to the ground. She surrounded herself with her purple aura, focusing it on her chest. Light flashed, and a mirror image of Twilight stood right to her left.
“How many can you make?” asked Spike. Twilight pondered it for a minute.
“I can probably make eighty clones before they start to lose power,” said Twilight. “But eighty perfect copies of me, even for only a few minutes, could be quite useful. Just imagine if somepony wanted to assassinate me. They’d have to fight through Azoth, my army of clones, and I still have my Schmidtium Buster.”
“Wow, you’re pretty much untouchable!” cheered Spike. “I kinda want somepony to try it, so you can put them in their place!”
“Heh. Hey, you never know. Celestia told me that I would make some enemies, so an assassination attempt isn’t too far-fetched.” Twilight gathered her book with her horn. “Come on, Spike. I still need to finish that spell to let me smack people with galaxies.”
Unbeknownst to Princess Twilight and her assistant, they were being watched by a certain would-be assassin. Trixie attempted to scrape her jaw from the floor, failing to withhold all of her shock.
“Hm…” Trixie looked up at the sky, contemplating. “Perhaps attempting to murder the most powerful mare in history is easier said than done.”
Author's Note
Hope you enjoyed and continue to do so for the duration of this fic. Be sure to leave feedback to tell me how to get better, I really appreciate it.
Tune in next time for Trixie's new plan to achieve ultimate power.
So You Wanna Kill An Alicorn?
Your Move, Twilight Sparkle
“Disintegration Spell, Malnutrition Curse, Jelly-Legs Jinx…”
Trixie poured over her book, searching for some means to kill Twilight. It was yielding rather poor results. Even though she had left Ponyville and investigated the Crystal Empire’s Royal Library, she found nothing but friendly pranks and fruitless attack spells. Any of these would fail to give Trixie the desired results. Most of them, Twilight could deflect in her sleep. Those that remained were too complicated and labor-intensive for even Trixie to attempt.
“If only there was some other way for Trixie to gain power before challenging Twilight Sparkle…” Trixie took a sip of her peanut butter frappe, mulling over her options while enjoying the smooth, chilling deliciousness of her drink. “Perhaps Trixie is going about this all wrong. Instead of killing Twilight, perhaps Trixie should kill a weaker alicorn first…”
She closed her current spellbook and moved onto one about the Empire’s history. She didn’t care much about what the Empire was like in the days of yore, but she reasoned that there may have been some clue as to where she could find some powerful magic. In the meantime, Trixie sipped her delicious caffeinated beverage and flipped through a biography of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.
“Hm… Perhaps Trixie should take a shot at Luna…” Trixie agitated the slush in her drink before taking one last gulp and setting it aside. “During the day, she should be weaker… Still, Luna is quite powerful, powerful enough to require the Elements of Harmony. So if not Twilight, if not Luna, then it must be Celestia! Except, wait. Is she not supposed to be stronger than Twilight? Hm, this is quite difficult.”
Trixie flipped her page, all but ignoring the list in the book ranking the Alicorn Princesses in order of strongest to weakest. Celestia was at number one, followed by Twilight and Luna. Cadance was actually number five, apparently less magically powerful than her own infant daughter.
“If only there was a weaker alicorn. Even their meager magic would be enough to let me claim Twilight’s life.” Trixie dropped the book she was reading and grabbed another. She flipped it open, the first page she laid eyes on being titled “The Weakest of the Princesses, Mi Amore Cadenza”.
“Perhaps there are no killable princesses right now,” said Trixie. The next page she saw contained the phrase “Princess Cadance is an Alicorn only in title”.
“Oh well. Maybe an artifact is what Trixie needs. The Alicorn Amulet did quite well against Twilight Sparkle.”
Trixie closed the book and stood up to return it to its shelf, accidentally knocking her empty coffee cup to the floor. She took a step directly onto the cup, rolling forward a bit before losing her balance and tripping onto her back. The book landed directly on her face, the pages pressed against her eyes. Trixie raised the book and read the large, angry bold letters it displayed.
IF YOU NEEDED TO MURDER AN ALICORN, CADANCE IS PROBABLY THE EASIEST!
A devious plan formed in Trixie’s head, a plan of pure evil and brilliance that it scared even her.
“Trixie is a genius!” she exclaimed. “Cadance is the weakest there is! Not that she would be a contest for Trixie’s overwhelming power in the first place. Soon, Twilight Sparkle, you will be washed away in a tidal wave known as Trixie!” Trixie paused for a second. “No, wait I can do better. Soon, Twilight Sparkle, you will be dethroned by the… no, that’s not it…”
In the midst of her attempts to find the perfect line, Trixie did not notice Cadance’s presence only a few feet behind her. The princess raised an eyebrow before walking out of the aisle, a few thoughts churning in her head.
“I should arrest her for treason and conspiracy…” she muttered. “But… This might actually be entertaining.” The princess smirked mischievously. “Oh, Shining! We have work to do!”
Trixie trotted up the tall tower’s staircase, a fire burning in her heart. She had overheard that the Princess of Love saying, quite loudly, that she would be at the very top of the Crystal Empire’s castle at midnight. Cadance also made sure to mention that she would be very upset if any would-be assassins were to interrupt her quiet time. This practically guaranteed that Trixie would be there.
As Trixie approached the top of the stairs, she began to second-guess herself for the first time. She was about to commit murder, the murder of one of the most important ponies in Equestria (although, to be fair, she was the least important of those ponies). There was truly no turning back after this.
“No time for second thoughts,” said Trixie. “You want ultimate power, don’t you? Then mare up and kill yourself a princess!”
As Trixie rounded up the top of the stairs, she approached a large crystal doorway with a thick, glowing white fog suspended within its archway. Trixie stood before the fog, charging her magic deep in her heart, her core, her very soul.
“One step away from unimaginable power,” said Trixie. She grinned evilly before touching the fog with her forehoof and traversing the white light.
Princess Cadance sat in her throne, reading a book quietly as her husband stood guard to her right. Trixie waited for her presence to be acknowledged, growing more and more annoyed as it took several moments for Cadance to even look up.
“Oh, hello,” said Cadance. “I didn’t see you there.”
“I take it you know who I am?” said Trixie. Cadance nodded, setting her book down to the side.
“Of course. Your reputation precedes you,”said Cadance brightly. She rose from her throne and took a step forward. “The Great and Powerful Trixie Lulamoon.”
“I shall introduce myself, I am—” Trixie stopped herself, tilting her head slightly. “Wait, you know Trixie?”
“Of course. One does not simply battle a unicorn like Twilight Sparkle to a standstill without getting recognition.” Cadance glanced over to Shining Armor, who was clutching his spear almost nervously. “Oh, forgive me. I never introduced my husband. This is Shining Armor, the head of the Crystal Guard. The greatest warrior the Empire has ever seen.”
“You flatter me,” said Shining Armor. “What brings you here, Trixie?”
“Trixie has come to claim the power of an alicorn,” declared Trixie, charging her horn with all the magic that she could muster. “And she shall claim it by killing you, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza!” Shining Armor tilted his head, dropping his spear to the ground.
“Wait, that’s not how that works,” said Shining. “You can’t just—”
“Worry not, my love! I shall protect you!” said Cadance. She twirled around, her horn glowing with a powerful cyan glow. She fired a blast just in front of Shining Armor, causing a massive wall of thick, semi-transparent pink crystal to rise. With her husband properly safe, she turned her attention back to her adversary.
“How bold of you, to announce your intentions before attacking,” said Cadance. She planted her hooves firmly to the ground, swirling magic around her horn. “I assure you, it is a mistake you will come to regret.”
“We shall soon see!” Trixie leapt forward, firing off a powerful stunning spell. It missed entirely, such a bad shot that she was actually kind of disappointed in herself. The spell hit the crystal wall, barely chipping its surface. Cadance's eyes grew wide, her jaw dropping
“That wall is made of the strongest crystal in the known multiverse!” gasped Cadance.
“No it's not!” said Shining. “This wall is—”
“The strongest crystal!” Cadance turned over her shoulder to glare at her husband. “In the known multiverse!”
“But it’s… Oh, whatever.”’
“Perhaps I underestimated you, Trixie,” said Cadance. She fired a blast of magic that just barely missed Trixie’s head, exploding somewhere behind her head. Trixie reacted quickly, launching three more stunning spells at the princess. Two of them followed the path of the first and missed completely, but the last one struck Cadance directly in the chest.
“Gah! I hath been wounded!” groaned Cadance, twirling dramatically on the spot. She paused as she faced Shining, giving him a sly wink, then collapsed into a heap on the floor.
“Huzzah! She has been stunned!” cheered Trixie, clapping her hooves. “Now, all Trixie has to do is deliver the killing blow, and her magic will be—”
There was a sound that made it seem like the entire room had spontaneously burst into flames, followed by a white light emanating from Cadance’s forlorn body. The Princess of Love rose limply into the air, suddenly and sporadically twitching like a marionette controlled by a novice puppeteer. The light shrunk down onto Cadance, focusing in her eyes and the spiral of her horn.
“An alicorn will not fall so easily,” she said, her voice echoing and shimmering with the intense power of her unfathomable alicorn magic. Or a megaphone spell, which was more likely. She floated back down to the ground, the crystal cracking under her awesome presence.
“Guess this boss has a second phase,” muttered Trixie. She very much so doubted that her stunning spells would do much to the princess at this point, but that didn’t stop her from pelting stunning spell after stunning spell. Most of them missed, because Trixie had quite terrible aim. Those that did connect burst into sparks upon contact with Cadance’s coat.
“You will fall on this day,” said Cadance. Deep crimson light surrounded her horn, swirling and condensing into a large orb that seemed to balance just on the tip. The princess took a deep breath, then fired a massive, sparking, lethal-looking beam of magic.
It moved in slow motion. The spell was really, really slow. Trixie could easily avoid it if she so chose. Considering that Cadance also seemed to be moving very slowly, this would be a perfect time for Trixie to finish her off. One good shot, and Cadance would be dead. All Trixie had to do was take the shot.
“What is the meaning of this?” asked Trixie, looking herself up and down. “Everything is moving slowly. Or… Or maybe Trixie is moving at lightning speed!”
Neither of those were accurate. The spell and Cadance were moving slowly, though that seemed to be intentional. Trixie was still moving at normal speed. Even Shining Armor, sitting behind his crystal wall, was moving normally.
“Oh! Trixie has uncovered some sort of time dilation magic buried deep within her!” said Trixie, stomping her hoof down triumphantly.
Trixie did not actually have any time dilation magic. To make matters worse, she was wasting a lot of time. At this rate, the spell would hit her in about fifteen seconds.
“Hm… Perhaps it only works while Trixie is in danger,” Trixie boldly and irrationally assumed. “So, as soon as she is safe, things will return to normal. Which means Trixie cannot move yet. She needs to find a way to defend from the spell.”
A basic shield spell would be plenty strong enough to stand up to the magic heading for Trixie’s face. Casting one would take very little time, and it was very easy to do. Most foals can cobble together a decent shield spell if they needed to.
“How to avoid this spell indeed,” Trixie mused, tapping her hoof. She wished she had a peanut butter smoothie on hand, it always helped her to think.
“You could try a shield spell,” suggested Shining Armor.
“Hm… What in Trixie’s repertoire—”
“USE A SHIELD SPELL! ” shouted Cadance. Trixie was in her own little world, so she didn’t process that it was Cadance who said it. In fact, she assumed it was a machination of her own mind.
“Ha! A shield spell!” Trixie channeled her magic to her horn, then fired it outward to create a barrier of magical energy.
Suddenly, the spell increased in speed, whizzing forward the last few feet like a bullet. It bounced off of Trixie’s shield (which just barely held its shape) and returned to the sender. Cadance took the spell to the chest, groaning and stumbling to the floor.
“Oh, I have been struck down in my own castle!” groaned Cadance, laying herself flat on the ground. “I have been bested by you, Trixie Lulamoon. With my death, my power becomes yours.” She tilted her head in Shining’s direction. “Forgive me, my love. I have… failed you. Ahhhhhhhhhh… ”
She fell limp, dead. White light fled her body, swirling around the room for a bit before burying itself in Trixie’s chest. Her eyes poured white like a lantern, dimming slowly as her body became accustomed to the new energy.
“Yes! Yes! Yes!” shouted Trixie. “Trixie now has the power to—”
“Ahhhhhhhhhh… ”
“Yes, quite. Trixie now has the power to—”
“Ahhhhhhh… ” Cadance slumped more finally, properly dead this time. Trixie nudged the princess’ corpse with her hoof, just to be certain. Once she was positive that her opponent was dead, Trixie picked up right where she left off.
“Yes! Trixie now has the power to overthrow Princess Twilight and claim all of Equestria!” Trixie practically squealed with joy. “All will bow before the Great and Powerful Trixie as she sweeps the land like a… Broom? No, that’s not very exciting. Like a… Well, nevermind, Trixie will be the best!”
Shining Armor sat and watched Trixie skip out of the room, patting herself on the back as she did. He tapped the crystal wall, then looked down at his wife. She still didn’t move, which should’ve scared Shining. Except…
“If you were really dead, this wall would’ve fallen down,” said Shining, a curious smirk spread across his face. “What’s the deal?” Cadance quickly rose to her hooves, grinning widely as she removed the wall and freed her husband.
“Like my little performance?” asked Cadance. “Some may accuse me of overacting, but I think I brought a certain je ne sais quoi to the role.”
“What was that all about?” asked Shining. Cadance used her magic to manufacture a sheet of parchment and an inked quill, which she passed to Shining.
“In a second. For now, take this letter,” said Cadance. Shining shrugged, then prepared to transcribe what Cadance had to say. “Dear Twilight. I just had a bit of a run-in with your old friend Trixie. She actually tried to kill me, and she only left because I faked my death. She’s coming for you next, but don’t worry. She’s literally no threat whatsoever.”
“Why did you entertain her for so long?” asked Shining, scribbling down Cadance’s dictation. “You could’ve had me arrest her.”
“I have a little wager, Twilight.” Cadance moved forward, ignoring her husband. “I wager fifty bits that you cannot convince Trixie to challenge Celestia. The only rules are that you cannot tell Trixie that I’m alive and you can’t fake your death. Be original. I will take your silence as confirmation for our bet. Good luck, Twilight. Sincerely yours, Princess Cadance.”
“Sincerely yours, Princess Cadance,” muttered Shining, finishing the letter. “I get it now. Having a bit of fun, eh?” He smirked. “That’s devious, Caddy. I’m impressed. I’ll send the letter at the first chance I get.”
“Now, we just sit back and watch the fireworks,” said Cadance. “Your move, Twilight Sparkle.”
Author's Note
Almost didn't post this chapter this week on account of the Trixie stories that will surely be flooding the site. But... I said buck it, I wanna post it now so I can work on the next chapter.
Tell me what you think about this chapter. I await your feedback.
Next time, Trixie will be stacking ammo, as it were.
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So You Wanna Kill An Alicorn?
So... Do We Just Work For Trixie Forever Or...?
“You will regret this,” promised Celestia, staring up the long flight of stairs at her newfound nemesis. Trixie laughed sinisterly, her very voice causing the fabric of reality to ripple around her. Once, not too long ago, Trixie actually feared the childlike alicorn that was climbing her castle stairs to challenge her. Now, the mare that Equestria called their princess was little more than a nuisance to the Supreme and Almighty Princess Trixie Lulamoon.
“It was a mistake to return here, to Trixie’s castle,” said Trixie. She wrapped her body in her magical glow, raising herself high into the air. “You cannot possibly defeat me.”
“And what leads you to believe that?” asked the former princess of Equestria.
“A number of things. Firstly, Trixie has smote three alicorns before you and stolen their power.” Trixie charged her magic in her horn and fired a concussive blast of energy, knocking Celestia down onto her butt. “Second, Trixie has recently learned every spell ever cast by ponykind. But most importantly—” Celestia, quite rudely, interrupted Trixie’s sentence with a powerful blast of magic. The new Overlady of Equestria caught it with her bare hooves and threw it to the ground.
“You will not defeat me twice,” said Celestia, flapping her wings and rising into the air. What she didn’t know is that Trixie, Supreme Leader of Equestria, had recently outlawed all manner of flight in Equestria, and her automatic crime-prevention spell froze Celestia’s wings (as well as setting up a court date and giving her a forty bit ticket). Celestia dropped like a rock, impacting the stairs with a sickening thud .
“You cannot defeat Trixie,” said Empress Trixie Lulamoon, Vanquisher of Alicorns. “It’s over, Celestia! I have the high ground!”
“You underestimate my power,” grunted Celestia, pushing herself to her hooves. She crouched slightly, preparing to jump.
“Don’t try it!” The Everlasting, Unsurpassable, Infinitely-Powerful Trixie Lulamoon the Invincible gathered all of her magic at the tip of her horn, charging up enough magic to erase the insignificant former princess from the multiverse. Celestia leapt high into the air, her horn glowing gold and raining down sparks to the floor. Trixie unleashed her spell, and—
TRIXIE IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL UNICORN!
Trixie awoke with a start, temporarily annoyed by the interruption of her slumber. Then, she realized that her alarm was still blaring and she sat to listen to herself speak for a bit. After a few minutes (twenty-two, to be precise), Trixie snuffed the spell from her horn and silenced the voice that it played.
TRIXIE IS THE HIGHEST LEV—
Trixie stretched herself out on the floor before getting up and marching through the ruined castle in search of the bathroom. All the while, Trixie was grinning. She had killed an alicorn, as far as she knew. She was more powerful than ever. Except…
Any unicorn mage worth their salt would recognize Cadance’s display as nothing more than smoke and mirrors. Trixie’s pool of magic was not affected by “killing” Cadance. She was not any stronger—in fact, she was slightly weaker on account of the magic she spent battling the princess. Trixie, of course, made no effort to notice this.
“Up and at ‘em, Trixie,” she sighed wistfully to herself. “Firstly, breakfast. Secondly, make-over! Thirdly, Twilight Sparkle!”
Trixie darted through the Castle of the Two Sisters, gunning for the dilapidated kitchen. When she arrived, she grabbed a spoon and one of several jars of peanut butter and quickly began shovelling the delicious, smooth, sweet, nutty paste into her mouth. After she finished the entire jar, she walked out of the kitchen and into one of the nearby dressing rooms, where there was a large, full-body mirror for her to stand before. She lit up her horn, trying to remember exactly how to cast her appearance modifier spell. When she recalled everything she needed to know, Trixie began to ponder her look.
“Okay, Trixie. It’s just like Cosmarepolitan said. Look good, feel good, do good,” said Trixie. “So, let’s start with the eyes. Windows to the soul and all that, yes?” Her magical aura enveloped her eyes, changing them from their typical purple to a bright, piercing yellow. “Hm… Too Rivian.”
She tried again, this time changing her eyes to bold red, with three black, comma-like figures surrounding her pupil. Trixie liked these eyes. They made her feel powerful, like some sort of prodigy soldier. However, she soon had to remove this change as well, because a strange feeling eventually gripped her. For some reason, the eyes made her want to kill her brother to avenge her family (despite the fact that her family was fine and she was an only child). Moving on, Trixie turned her attention to her mane.
“Hm… Oh, yes! Voice-Activated Mane Styling Charm!” Trixie waved her horn slightly through the air, sending a faint cloud of sparkling dust into the air, where it hovered around her head. “Okay, Charm. Give me the hairstyle of… The strongest being in the multiverse!”
Trixie’s mane vanished in a puff of sparks, leaving her head shiny and bald.
“Ah! Fix this now, Charm! Give me the hairstyle of the second strongest being in the multiverse!” Sparks rained from around her glistening dome, replacing her baldness with a head of long, straight-cut purple hair, with a bright pink highlight through it.
Suffice it to say, Trixie was not amused.
“Fine. Charm, return Trixie’s hair to normal,” said Trixie. The spell complied and changed Trixie’s hair back to how she started. “Perhaps just the color. Make the dark blue parts of Trixie’s mane black, and the light blue parts white.” The spell did as it was told, and the result was a nicely contrasting and powerful-feeling look to Trixie.
“Perfect! Charm, you’ve done well. You are dismissed.” The magic faded away. “Excellent! Twilight Sparkle will die of sheer envy upon seeing Trixie’s magnificent new manestyle, and that is only if I don’t slay her first! To Ponyville!”
Something strange happened on Trixie’s way to Ponyville, that strange thing being that Trixie thought ahead. Even though she was confident that she could defeat Twilight Sparkle on her own (which, for the record, she absolutely, positively, 100% could not ), she decided that there was no need to risk it. She manufactured a plan that was far too brilliant to come from Trixie, but still not especially genius.
“Trixie is a genius!” she declared as she put the finishing touches on her plan.
She wasn’t, but she was confident in herself, and that was what mattered. Look good, feel good, do good.
“Um… I really hate to be that mare,” said Rainbow Dash awkwardly. “But I think I might bail. Twilight’s five minutes late, so she’s probably dead or dying right now. Might as well get my nap in while I can.”
“Now hold on, Dash, give the girl a second,” Applejack said firmly. “Y’all know how busy she is nowadays. Between Starlight Glimmer and the random crap that happens to Ponyville, she sure as sugar’s got her hooves full.”
“I agree with Applejack, it would be rude of us to leave now,” said Rarity, her voice amazingly false in its cheeriness. “Although I do admit myself curious as to why she called all of us out here.”
Rarity wasn’t the only one curious. Neither Rainbow, Applejack, Pinkie, or Fluttershy could properly explain why Twilight had told them to gather in the South Everfree Forest. It was odd, to say the least. Not the weirdest thing Twilight ever did, of course, but definitely in the top twenty.
“Maybe she’s finally taking my advice and throwing a forest party!” said Pinkie excitedly. “Check the note again! Maybe she gave some sort of clue! FLUTTERSHY, READ THE NOTE!”
Fluttershy practically dropped dead from shock, but eventually recovered and withdrew the note from her saddlebag.
“Dear friends, please meet me in the southern end of the Everfree Forest at noon,” read Fluttershy. “It is urgent. Sincerely yours, Twilight Sparkle.”
“Well, there ya go, Dash,” said Applejack. “We just need to be patient.” Rarity nodded in agreement, then, out of curiosity, crossed over to look at the note herself.
“Hm… This doesn’t look like Twilight’s hoofwriting,” said Rarity. “I think this may be some sort of practical joke.” Rainbow Dash groaned, stomping her hoof.
“If somepony ruined my nap schedule with a stupid prank...” growled Rainbow. “I will find whoever is responsible and break my hoof off in their—”
A dart of purple light connected with the base of Rainbow’s neck, halting her speech and freezing her in place. Before anypony else could react, four more darts of light connected with each of the other mares. Nopony could move or speak, and a strange sensation filled their bodies. It wasn’t pain, more like a slightly annoying itching.
That’s when Trixie stepped out.
“Huzzah! My old friends, Applecrack, Lameblow Crash, Stinkie Pie, Fluttercry, and the one that has no nickname!” said Trixie triumphantly. “You are now under the influence of Trixie’s mind control magic! And you will help me murder your friend Twilight! Come, let us go, my slaves! To Ponyville!”
Trixie skipped away, leaving the mares behind as she laughed maniacally. The girls peered at each other in confusion, some of them jittering slightly in place.
“Do you guys feel that weird itching?” asked Rainbow. They all nodded. “What was it Trixie said she wanted from us?”
“She said that she wants us to help her kill Twilight,” said Pinkie.
“I believe that this itching will remain until we obey,” added Rarity. “We obviously can’t kill Twilight, however, so we’re between something of a rock and a hard place.” They remained in place for a few more moments, then the itching spread to their necks.
“Ah think Twilight could take us,” said Applejack. “Let’s see what she’s gonna do.”
“We just walk down to Ponyville?” asked Fluttershy. The girls nodded, then set off for town. “So… Do we just work for Trixie forever, or…?”
Author's Note
Thanks for reading this chapter, and I hope you enjoyed and continue to do so throughout the rest of the story. Be sure to tell me about what you liked and disliked so I can improve myself and subsequent chapters of the story.
I'm having a bit too much fun with these references, especially the ones that nobody seems to get (seriously, I'm amazed nobody commented on the Dark Souls joke in the last chapter).
So You Wanna Kill An Alicorn?
Prepare To Grovel At My Hooves
“Twilight! I’ve got a letter for you!” called Spike. Twilight lowered her book to her round crystal table. She turned to see Spike waddle into the room, clutching a rolled sheet of parchment. Spike stopped before the princess and broke the letter’s seal, unrolling it and holding it in front of himself.
“Fire away,” said Twilight. She thought she recognized the stationery, being something of a parchment connoisseur, so she was able to guess that the letter was from her sister-in-law and fellow princess.
“Dear Twilight,” read Spike. “I just had a bit of a run-in with your old friend Trixie. She actually tried to kill me, and she only left because I faked my death. She’s coming for you next—”
“Well, I’ve given Trixie enough second chances,” sighed Twilight, rising from her seat. “I’ll be back. I just need to condense the Andromeda Galaxy to a wieldable size.”
“But don’t worry. She’s literally no threat whatsoever!” Spike quickly amended. He waited for Twilight to sit back down before continuing. “I wager fifty bits that you cannot convince Trixie to challenge Celestia. The only rules are that you cannot tell Trixie that I’m alive and you can’t fake your death. Be original. I will take your silence as confirmation for our bet. Good luck, Twilight. Sincerely yours, Princess Cadance.”
Twilight was a bit confused, a bit more intrigued, and even more amused. The Friendship Princess didn’t often show her mischievous side, but she most assuredly had one. However, she thought she might’ve been forced to decline Cadance’s wager. Royal ethics and all that.
“Can I really justify pranking Trixie into declaring war against Celestia?” asked Twilight. Spike shrugged his shoulders, rolling the letter back up.
“Well, she did attempt to kill your sister-in-law,” Spike noted. “That’s an assassination attempt. She’s a threat to national security, but not really, so I don’t see why you can’t have a bit of fun.”
Twilight bit her tongue gently, a sure sign of her thinking growing more intense.
“Send Cadance a reply,” said Twilight. “Tell her that I see her fifty bits and raise her the rarest Starswirl the Bearded book in our libraries. Winner takes all.”
Twilight probably didn’t need to cast her tracking spell from a cloud at the top of the troposphere. In fact, it was almost definite that the spell would have worked just fine from the castle. Frankly, Twilight just wanted to get as far away from Starlight Glimmer as possible. Now blessed with the gift of hindsight, Twilight recognized that asking Starlight for some of Trixie’s hair may have crossed some sort of line. Still, who better to have some of the magician’s DNA than her best friend? It was purely for science; this, Twilight swore. Still, the look on Starlight’s face whilst handing over the fibers from Trixie’s mane gave Twilight all the reason she needed to leave the ground and fly as far away as equinely possible.
“Okay, Trixie. Where are you…?” Twilight gripped Trixie’s hair with her magic, sending pulse after pulse of energy through the pale blue locks. Her magic flowed across the land beneath her, feeling out for the originator of the sample. After pinging like a sonar a few times, the magic began to return, pointing Twilight in the direction of the Everfree Forest. Trixie’s purple silhouette stood out over the dense forestry, the light only visible to the spell’s caster. As soon as Twilight pinpointed where Trixie was, she tweaked the spell to collect Trixie’s sound and broadcast it back to her.
“But the letters won’t really be from Twilight Sparkle at all!” rang Trixie’s overconfident voice. “Then, when the buffoons are all in one place, Trixie will cast her mind-control spell, and they will be my personal slaves! Applecrack, Lameblow Crash, Stinkie Pie, Fluttercry, and… Hm… I suppose Rarity has no nickname...”
Twilight began to formulate a plan of attack. If Trixie was smart, she’d send the letters now, so that her targets would be in place by the time she arrived. As such, Twilight decided that she’d need to be there first. But where would Trixie tell them to go?
“Dear friends, please meet me in the southern end of the Everfree Forest at noon,” said Trixie as she wrote out her note. “It is urgent. Sincerely yours, Twilight Sparkle. There! A perfect imitation of Twilight Sparkle!”
It was not a perfect imitation of Twilight Sparkle at all.
“That is not a perfect imitation of me at all,” said Twilight. “But at least I know where she’ll be. Now, I just need to be there.”
Twilight sat in her tree, silently observing Trixie, who was hiding in the bushes beneath her. Trixie, ever inattentive, never noticed Twilight landing a few feet above her head. She seemed too consumed with her plan. For a few minutes, nothing happened. Then, from the bushes a bit away from Trixie, the party of five ponies trotted into the clearing. They stood awkwardly, everypony waiting for somepony else to speak. After five minutes of silence, Rainbow Dash took the initiative.
“Um… I really hate to be that mare, but I think I might bail,” said Rainbow, scratching the back of her head awkwardly. “Twilight’s five minutes late, so she’s probably dead or dying right now. Might as well get my nap in while I can.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. For the Spirit of Loyalty, Rainbow certainly had a habit of attempting to run from helping her friends if it interfered with her sleep. Some things truly never changed.
“Now hold on, Dash, give the girl a second. Y’all know how busy she is nowadays,” said Applejack, hypothetically coming to Twilight’s defence. “Between Starlight Glimmer and the random crap that happens to Ponyville, she sure as sugar’s got her hooves full.”
“And here comes Rarity to agree with AJ,” Twilight whispered to herself, knowing full and well that Rarity was a notorious flank-kisser, especially if it was at Rainbow’s expense. If Twilight didn’t know any better, she’d say that Rarity didn’t like Rainbow.
“I agree with Applejack, it would be rude of us to leave now,” said Rarity, right on cue. Her voice was sugary, but in a Sweet-n-Low sort of way: sweet on the surface, but disgustingly artificial if you tasted too much. “Although I do admit myself curious as to why she called all of us out here.”
“You probably should’ve wondered that before cantering over to the Everfree Forest,” said Twilight quietly.
“Maybe she’s finally taking my advice and throwing a forest party!” shouted Pinkie. ““Check the note again! Maybe she gave some sort of clue! FLUTTERSHY, READ THE NOTE!”
As Fluttershy read the note, Twilight looked down to Trixie. Her eyes were closed, and her horn was shimmering faintly as she struggled to make something happen. After a few moments of confusion, Twilight realized that Trixie was attempting to cast her mind control spell. This was, simply put, perplexing.
Mind-altering magic wasn’t actually all that hard to do. It wasn’t as basic as levitation, but it was certainly easier than teleportation. It was only marginally more difficult than the specific magic used for a unicorn’s special talent, requiring only short lessons and a little practice. In fact, there was a hobby shop right in Ponyville that taught mind control magic on weekends. Trixie really should have been able to do it by this point.
Twilight sighed, lit up her horn, and fired off five mind control spells aimed at her friends. As she fired the spell, she made laser-like “pew-pew” noises to attract Trixie’s attention (and because it was fun). Trixie looked up just in time to see the spells connect with her targets. Assuming that the girls before her were hit by her spell (despite not actually casting one), Trixie was gripped with even more confidence than usual.
“Huzzah! My old friends…” declared Trixie, stepping out of the bushes. Twilight sighed, then prepared the telepathy spell that she would need to communicate with her friends. By the time it was set up, Trixie had already set off on her way to Ponyville. Twilight quickly delivered instructions to her friends, urging them to sit tight and follow Trixie’s instructions for the time being. Then, Twilight fluttered into the air, and shot into the sky to gather some materials for her upcoming performance.
Trixie sat in the bushes, watching Twilight as she practiced her magic. She still couldn’t believe that the princess had actually managed to reduce an entire star system to the size of a coffee table, nor could she believe that Twilight actually hit that frost giant over the head with it. Truly, it was a sight to see.
“And my slaves should be coming along right about… Now,” Trixie whispered to herself. True to her prediction, the five mares under Trixie’s control trotted up to Twilight, each of them standing (or, in Rainbow’s case, flying) a bit more stiffly than usual. After a short conversation that Trixie couldn’t hear, Twilight nodded and trotted into the castle. Trixie rolled her neck, stepped out of the bushes, and headed for the massive crystal castle.
“Your end is near, Twilight Sparkle,” chuckled Trixie. “Prepare to grovel at my hooves.”
Author's Note
Thanks for reading, amigos. I'm hoping that you enjoyed this chapter, and that you continue to do so for the rest of the story. Much like Twilight Sparkle, this story's end is growing ever-nearer.
I wanted to come at this chapter from a slightly different direction. I hope it's not too weird for y'all.
Tune in next time for the beginning of the end of the beginning.
So You Wanna Kill An Alicorn?
Then, We're Going To Fell A Goddess or Two
The fact that it took Trixie roughly thirty minutes to find her target probably wasn’t a good sign.
To be fair, Twilight’s castle is rather large, and the princess herself sometimes struggles to find the rooms she needed. That said, the library should’ve been the first place Trixie looked, and it was situated adjacent to the throne room (the first room you see when entering the castle).Trixie, however, decided to try just about every room except for this one that she needed. Luckily, after a half hour of aimless wandering, faint purple arrows appeared in the crystal floor that were pointing in direction of the library. Trixie figured that this meant that she was getting closer, and excitedly galloped towards the library.
Trixie burst through the door, a massive grin on her face when she saw the scuffle inside. Twilight kicked and thrashed, each leg held down by the four strongest of her friends (Rainbow, Applejack, Pinkie, and Fluttershy). Rarity sat a bit behind her, blocking Twilight’s horn with a glowing spell of her own.
“What’s gotten into you? Let me go!” shouted Twilight. She locked eyes with Trixie, her expression shifting from confusion to fury. “Trixie! I should've known you were behind this!”
“Indeed, you should have, Twilight Sparkle,” cackled Trixie. “But alas! Even if you somehow did see Trixie coming, there was naught you could do about it! Trixie now has the power of an alicorn, and she cannot be defeated!”
“The power of an alicorn? What in Equestria are you talking about?” She struggled again, just as futily as before. “And what did you do to my friends?!” Trixie laughed, throwing her head up to get the evil pose just right.
“Oh, just a bit of mind control magic. They are entirely under my control!” cackled Trixie. “Don’t bother trying to talk to them, by the way. Now, they’re simply puppets to do my bidding!”
“That’s not true,” said Rainbow Dash. “We can hear you two just fine. Actually, we could probably let Twilight go if we—”
“Silence, slave!” barked Trixie. She regained her composure rather quickly, then turned her attention back to Twilight. “As for Trixie’s new powerful… Let’s just say that your sister-in-law won’t be writing you for some time.” Twilight gasped dramatically, punctuated by the loud sound of “dun-dun-duuuun! ” that originated from seemingly nowhere.
“And, now, Trixie will do to you what she did to the Princess of Love,” continued Trixie “With you dead and your magic mine, Trixie will fell the remaining princesses! Equestria will be mine!”
“You fiend!” exclaimed Twilight. “You’re mad! You could never defeat Celestia!”
“Oh? Not even with the magic of two princesses on my side?” asked Trixie dubiously. “I’m quite sure that the Almighty Trixie Lulamoon, Slayer of Alicorns, can handle two little princesses.”
“But—”
“Enough!” bellowed Trixie, stomping her hoof. “I have put up with you for far too long, Twilight Sparkle! It is time for you to die! Any last words?” Trixie charged her horn with violent, murderous intent, while Twilight looked dead ahead. Trixie was a bit disappointed. She was hoping Twilight would beg at least a little bit.
“Very well, Twilight. Die!” Trixie was about to unleash her magic, when Twilight finally spoke.
“Do you know why Celestia’s mane moves?”
Trixie stopped just before firing her killing spell, gripped with total confusion.
“W-what?” asked Trixie. Twilight’s demeanor had changed from apprehensive to bitter and resentful. The subtle shift in the way Twilight looked at Trixie sent a wave of uncertainty through the alleged alicorn-killer.
“Do you know why Princess Celestia’s mane moves?” repeated Twilight. “You’ve seen it, of course. The way it waves and flows, almost as if it’s not solid. Her tail as well. Luna’s does it, too. Do you know why?”
Trixie had absolutely no clue why their manes worked like that. Truthfully, she never gave it much thought. She did go through a phase during puberty when she tried to use her magic to mimic the princesses’ mane, but that wasn’t unusual. Just about every growing filly (and a few colts) had attempted the feat at some point. None had succeeded, Trixie was no exception, and she sort of forgot about it.
“Trixie isn’t sure. A side-effect of alicornism?” tried Trixie. “Although, if that’s the case…”
“How come my mane isn’t like that?” finished Twilight. “How come Cadance’s and Flurry Heart’s manes are normal?” Trixie was intrigued. What exactly was Twilight playing at?
“And I suppose you know why?” asked Trixie.
“Of course I do. I wouldn’t ask you if I couldn’t answer when you didn’t know,” said Twilight. “Very few ponies know the answer. In fact, I believe I am the only living pony other than the princesses themselves that know. Would you like to become another?”
Trixie frankly didn’t care about Celestia’s mane. If it were up to her (and it soon would be) Celestia’s mane would be the only thing on the mare that moved. Still, Twilight’s question was very good at making Trixie curious. Twilight wasn’t struggling anymore, but she had far from accepted her fate. It was making Trixie nervous.
“Very well,” said Trixie after a moment of contemplation. “Why does Celestia’s mane move?” Trixie’s heart fell somewhere into her gut when she saw what Twilight did next. It was the most menacing thing the princess could have done in her position, and it managed to spook Trixie even more.
Twilight cracked a smile.
“It’s simple. Celestia’s mane moves because it doesn’t,” said Twilight. She let that sit for just long enough to see Trixie be confused. “Celestia’s mane doesn’t move, because she doesn’t have a mane.”
“What are you—”
“That pink, blue and green on her isn’t hair. It’s pure magic ,” said Twilight. “Inside the princesses, where they should have bones and guts and veins, they instead have several multiverses. Each. They leak it out to avoid damaging themselves, and if they let out just a smidge too much…” Twilight shook her head. “Equestria would be reduced to ash.”
None of what Twilight said was true. The princesses’ manes moved because of their age; As they grew older, the magic that kept them alive for so long started depositing harmless background radiation that accumulated in their manes. This radiation slightly alters the properties of matter, allowing solids to behave almost gaseously. It would happen to Cadance, Flurry, and Twilight in a few hundred years, and plenty of ponies knew this fact. It wasn’t exactly the type of thing to come up in a pub crawl, mind you, but it was far from a national secret. If the average pony heard the actual reason why the princesses manes moved, they wouldn’t be floored with the revelation, and they wouldn’t glare at you for wasting their time witch such an obvious question. It was the type of thing that belonged on a Snapple cap.
“N-nonsense! That cannot possibly be true,” said Trixie, even though she was already starting to believe it. “If that’s the case, how come Celestia always asked for your help? With that power, could she not have defeated any threats before they even arrived?”
“Of course she can, Trixie, but where’s the fun in that?” chuckled Twilight darkly. “If you could play checkers with somepony that’s equally skilled to you or a filly who barely knows the rules, who would you pick for a fun game?”
“Why are you telling me this?” asked Trixie. “Why should Trixie care?”
“Because, Trixie, even with my power, you couldn’t oppose Celestia. You need something that you won’t get from killing me,” said Twilight. She jerked her forehoof, which was currently being held by the surprisingly strong Fluttershy. “Oh, uh… Er… I was gonna tap my temple, but… My hooves are held… Knowledge, is what I meant. You may have my power, but you won’t gain the things I know. And I know a lot about the princesses.”
“What are you suggesting?” asked Trixie.
“I will help you get strong enough to kill Celestia,” said Twilight. “Under two conditions. One: You must guarantee my safety. Two: You leave my friends out of this.”
Trixie looked down at Twilight for a few moments, contemplating the situation. She was supremely confident in her abilities before, but after hearing the lie that Celestia was a vessel for multiple multiverses of pure magic energy was enough to make her doubt herself, if only a little. Trixie sighed, running a hoof through her mane tiredly.
“Very well, Twilight Sparkle. I accept your conditions,” said Trixie. “Slaves, release her and return to your homes until Trixie comes to collect you.” The mind controlled mares dropped Twilight to the ground and stiffly cantered out of the room. Trixie grabbed Twilight by the hoof and helped her up.
“What shall we do first?” asked Trixie. “Some sort of magical training, yes? Uhg, but Trixie has no time for training!” Trixie clicked her tongue, deep in thought for a moment. “Oh! Trixie remembers reading about a room that is outside of time. One day in Equestria would be a year in the room. It was called… Er… The… Exaggerating Chronology Compartment? Yes, that’s it exactly!”
“Don’t you mean the Hyperbolic—”
“Silence, Sparkle!” declared Trixie. “You will take Trixie to the Exaggerating Chronology Compartment!” Trixie grinned. “And then… Then, we’re going to fell a Goddess or two.”
Author's Note
Hope you enjoyed, and be sure to tell me what you did or didn't so I can make it better next time!
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So You Wanna Kill An Alicorn?
I Wonder If I Can Get Trixie To Clean My Bathroom
The Exaggerating Chronology Compartment looked an awful lot like Twilight’s bathroom.
Trixie should’ve found it suspicious that Twilight had decided to blindfold her before taking her to the ECC. She should’ve found it extra suspicious that they only walked for a few moments before reaching it. She should’ve found it extremely suspicious that Twilight had to shout at Spike to take his bubble bath in another bathroom.
Either Trixie was a complete buffoon, or she really wanted Twilight to win the bet.
“Why does it resemble a bathroom?” asked Trixie. Twilight had expected the question, of course, and had an answer prepared.
“It has everything we could need. Clean water, facilities,” Twilight said, pointing to the sink and toilet, respectively. “Uh… Mini-fridge.” Trixie opened the tiny icebox next to the tub, and pulled out one of the many, many sandwiches inside.
“Hm… Peanut butter and strawberry jam,” said Trixie after sampling the sandwich. She returned it to the fridge. “Trixie’s favorite. It is enchanted, yes? It refills itself?”
“Of course,” said Twilight, as if it should have been obvious. “Now, we should get down to work. First thing you want to know about Celestia: She’s a master pyromancer. So, you need to become a master hydromancer.”
“Because water magic beats fire magic?” asked Trixie. Twilight nodded.
“And hortimancy, plant magic, beats hydromancy, but loses to pyromancy. It’s a rock-paper-scissors thing.” This was a gross oversimplification of magical theory, but Twilight figured that Trixie couldn’t handle much more than that.
“So Trixie must master water magic in order to best Celestia,” said Trixie. “What of Luna?”
“Ah. Well, for Luna, you’re going to have to learn pyromancy, because she’s really good at hortimancy,” said Twilight. “Mastering two conflicting branches of elemental magic is tough, even with a whole year to do it.”
“But you can teach Trixie, yes?”
“Of course. I know some tips and tricks, seeing as I’m a master of all three.” Twilight lit up her horn, summoning two tall stacks of books of varying age and thickness. “Which would you like to tackle first?”
“Hm… Which is easier?” asked Trixie.
“They are both equally difficult branches of magic, but for different reasons. Pyromancy requires deep desire and passion. It burns in your heart, and you must learn to blaze as it does. That said, your spirit must be indominatible. You will need to beat down your magic if it grows too intense. Any semblance of weakness will be punished. Pyromancy is referred to as the ‘sword’ of elemental magic. If you trifle with it, you will be cut. Or burned, in a more literal sense.” Twilight set down one of the stacks. “Hydromancy requires serenity and total inner peace. You must relax, let the magic flow through you like blood in your veins. You cannot force it outwards, nor can you concentrate it to a single point within your body. You can only guide it as it ebbs and flows, like water in a canal.”
“If fire is the sword, then water is the shield?” asked Trixie. Twilight shook her head.
“An understandable assumption, but wrong nonetheless,” said Twilight. “Hydromancy is more of a knife or a hammer. Sure, it can be used as a weapon, but that is not its intention. It is a tool, used to create or destroy. You, as the caster, must decide which you wish to accomplish.” Twilight dropped the second stack of books a bit to the right. “So, my student, which shall you accept first. The weapon? Or the tool?”
Trixie thought about it for a bit. Water magic as a tool seemed to be supremely more useful in a general sense. The ability to create and destroy could prove useful. Plus, the way Twilight described it piqued Trixie’s interest. She wanted to be able to wield a power that, according to Twilight, cannot be controlled by its very nature.
That said, you couldn’t exactly use water to burn your enemies in a raging inferno.
“Fire,” said Trixie. “Trixie wants to learn fire magic first.” Twilight grinned. Some tiny, evil part of her was hoping Trixie would say that.
“Very well,” said Twilight, fighting to hide her grin. “Your father was a moss farmer and your mother smells like three-day-old hay.”
Trixie wasn’t ready for that.
“What?! How dare you!” shouted Trixie. “Moss farming is an honorable and noble profession!”
“You’re a sorry excuse for a magician.”
“I am a perfectly remorseless excuse for a magician!”
“I bet you didn’t learn to read until the sixth grade,” snickered Twilight.
“F-fifth! Trixie struggled with ‘b’s and ‘d’s!” whined Trixie, stomping her hoof angrily. “And where do you get off, mocking my lysdexia?!”
“It’s ‘dyslexia’, and I think that can substitute for any insult I could’ve thrown out here,” said Twilight. She silently summoned a special sheet of paper, paper that changed color when exposed to high temperatures, and placed it just next to Trixie’s head. At room temperature, it was white. As it grew hotter, it would change to red.
“Not like you’re perfect, Miss. Sparkle!” Trixie struggled for quite a bit to find a way in which Twilight wasn’t perfect. “Uh… You have obsessive compulsive disorder! Yeah, it’s not so fun when somepony makes fun of your disability, is it?!”
“You will never be as successful as your sister,” said Twilight. “And, yes, I know you’re an only child.”
“You had a big forehead as a filly!”
“Starlight Glimmer said you smell like peanut butter.”
“Trixie likes peanut butter, okay?! Your teeth are crooked!”
“Your nose is crooked.”
“Your horn is crooked!”
“Your face is crooked.” Twilight spared a glance at her paper, which was turning a nice, faint shade of pink. Meanwhile, Trixie struggled to come up with a decent insult. Instead, she began making stuff up.
“Golden Oak was an inside job!” shouted Trixie. “Tirek magic can’t melt steel beams! Celestia did 9/11!”
“You have fat hooves,” said Twilight. Trixie fumed, stomping and throwing a tantrum, somehow managing to ignore the paper that was almost touching the side of her face.
“Your butt is uneven!”
Twilight almost couldn’t keep the laugh in that time. Trixie was really so upset that she didn’t realize that magic she was charging in her chest.
“I think your new dyejob… ” said Twilight. “Is extremely tacky.”
Trixie literally burst into flames. Legitimate fire plumed from her mane and tail, scorching the floor and ceiling. It lasted for maybe half a second, and when it was over, Trixie lay on the floor with patches of her coat entirely singed off. She opened her mouth to speak, only coughing out a cloud of ash and soot.
“That was… impressive,” said Twilight, lowering her magic paper to the floor. It wasn’t as dark red as she’d ever seen, but it was something. Trixie’s fire wasn’t very hot, only enough to barely turn the paper properly red. Still, Twilight was surprised to see potential.
“Now that your first assessment is finished,” said Twilight. “On to the next one.”
Silence. Trixie needed absolute silence. If her focus wavered, even for a moment, her magical platform would shift, causing the seventy-eight history books she was holding up to tumble and fall. She wondered why Twilight only allowed the platform to be as wide as the books. Probably as a cruel joke.
Still, Trixie was determined to surprise her unwilling teacher. Her focus—
“Nya-nya-nya-nya-nya!”
Her focus was—
“Nya-nya-nya-nya-nya!”
Her focus was… Completely unwavering, as unflinching as stone. It seemed that Trixie was a natural hydromancer. Even Twilight had to admit that she was doing quite well. Twilight was doing her best to disturb Trixie’s focus, doing everything from zapping her with tiny jolts of magic to—
“Nya-nya-nya-nya-nya!”
Doing that directly into Trixie’s ear. Through it all, the magician managed to keep her platform completely still. Trixie could certainly focus if she really put her mind to it.
“How long does Trixie have to hold these books?” asked Trixie. “She understands that this is to teach her serenity and the importance of controlling her magic, but she has been holding the books four nine hours. Trixie needs to pee.”
“Oh, you only had to hold them for ten minutes,” said Twilight. “You could’ve stopped hours ago.”
Trixie felt a flare of anger, followed by her magic faltering, and a book falling onto her head. Followed by seventy-seven other, very hard, very thick, very heavy history books. She managed to stay conscious for the first thirty or so, but she was out by book thirty-five. Twilight stared at Trixie, collapsed under her pile of books. A small grin soon spread across the princess’ face. Trixie wasn’t unteachable. She just lacked the proper motivation. Perhaps, after she won the bet, she would consider actually teaching Trixie. If she was willing, of course.
“Not bad, Trixie. Not bad at all,” said Twilight. She looked around for a moment. “I wonder if I can get Trixie to clean my bathroom.”
So You Wanna Kill An Alicorn?
And How Well Did That Work For You Exactly?
“So, there you go, Trixie,” said Twilight. “A year in the Hyperbolic… I mean, Exaggerating Chronology Compartment. I’ve taught you everything I know. You are now ready to take on Princess Celestia.”
Trixie didn’t respond, on account of being unconscious and buried under seventy-eight history textbooks.
“Oh yeah. I should probably wake you up first, shouldn’t I?” Twilight chuckled slightly at her own airheadedness. She was just excited, is all. It’s not every day that you challenge Princess Celestia to a battle to the death.
“Okay, then… Wake up, Trixie.” Twilight charged up her horn, aiming carefully at the book pile and sending out a jet of purple light. Immediately, Trixie spiked up, sending books everywhere. The magician blinked sharply, shook herself awake, then stepped out of her book pile.
“My head… What happened?” Trixie clutched her head. “Trixie’s brain feels like soup.”
“That’ll be your safeguards,” said Twilight. Trixie tilted her head, utterly perplexed. “You erased your own memory so that Celestia can’t read your mind and detect your plans.”
“But if Trixie can’t remember anything, how will she be able to defeat Celestia?” asked Trixie. Twilight shrugged.
“Magic, according to you.”
A long, pregnant, stale silence reigned over the Exaggerating Chronology Chamber. Trixie looked down at the pile of books, then up to Twilight, then back down to the books.
“Trixie is an absolute genius!” Trixie trotted in a little circle, completely giddy with her own apparent brilliance. “So! A year it has been, and Trixie is now more powerful than anypony could ever imagine!”
“Don’t get too cocky, now,” said Twilight. “You may now be stronger than you’ve ever been, but you’re still going hoof to hoof with the goddess herself. You must be prepared for anything. Carelessness will result in defeat, and defeat will result in your banishment, or worse. Constant vigilance is a—”
“To Tartarus with that, Trixie is ready to take the throne!” Trixie turned and skipped out of the room, leaving Twilight behind. With a shrug, Twilight popped open the mini fridge, grabbed a soda, and sipped her cola as she followed Trixie.
“It’s hard to believe that a whole year has passed,” said Trixie. “It only feels like a few hours.”
“Well, of course. It is technically a time machine,” said Twilight. “It’s only been twenty-four hours out here, remember?”
“Yes, yes, of course.” Trixie turned her nose up superiorly, as if she already knew that. “Come along, Twilight Sparkle. Trixie wants to destroy Celestia as quickly as possible! She’ll never see us coming!”
“Oh, that reminds me,” said Twilight. She waved her horn through the air, charging up a knock-out spell before blasting Trixie in the chest. When she was unconscious, Twilight grabbed some parchment and a quill, which she used to quickly scribble a warning letter to Cadance that explained that they were on their way. After turning it over to Spike upstairs, who then sent it out, Twilight woke Trixie with another flourish of purple magic.
“What was all that?!” demanded Trixie. “Did you just attack me?!”
“I did. It was your final test,” explained Twilight. “Once you’re powerful enough to deflect a spell with your magical aura alone, you know you can take Celestia.”
“Trixie deflected the spell?”
“Of course! Don’t you see the scorch mark?” Twilight pointed to the wall, which was completely devoid of aforementioned scorch mark.
“Trixie sees nothing.”
“Shoot,” Twilight muttered under her breath. She was getting sloppy. Out loud, she said, “Hey, Trixie, you dropped your pocket!”
When Trixie looked down to inspect her apparently dropped pocket, Twilight let out a loud cough to cover the sound of her blasting her own wall with magic, leaving a dark scorch mark.
“Trixie is confused,” said Trixie, looking up once she concluded that she did not, in fact, drop her pocket. Her eyes fell onto the scorch mark, and a grin spread on her face. “Huzzah! Trixie really did deflect it! That’s proof enough, is it not? Come, Sparkle. To Canterlot!”
“The next train to Canterlot doesn’t leave for another twenty minutes,” said Twilight.
“Oh.” Trixie’s demeanor deflated slightly. “Er… Would you like to grab a quick lunch? My treat?”
Twilight was about to argue that Trixie had kidnapped her friends and was forcing her to murder her mentor. Then, she realized that doing so would probably void the free lunch offer.
“Sure,” said Twilight. “There’s a burger place not too far that I love, you should try it…”
“It’s nice to see you, Cadance, though I admit myself surprised,” said Celestia, stirring her three sugars into her tea. “You really do need to make yourself more present around Canterlot.”
“I agree. My schedule has been rather packed lately,” sad Cadance. “I’m glad to have Shiny around to pick up some of the weight.” She sipped a cup of tea of her own. “He’s holding down the fort while I’m away.”
“And he’s doing fine? As if watching over a whole kingdom isn’t hard enough on its own, you have a baby to look after. How is keeping track of Flurry with all of this going on?”
“The same way most stallions watch children: by sitting them in front in of television and keeping an ear out for explosions.”
Suddenly, a large flare of magic exploded from Cadance’s horn, manifesting itself into a rolled letter. Cadance unrolled the letter, read through it quickly, then sent it back from whence it came. Immediately, a wide grin spread across her face.
“Is everything alright, Cadance?” asked Celestia wearily.
“Everything is just splendid, Auntie,” said Cadance. “And now, for something completely different… Let me hit you with a hypothetical.”
“Sure. Go for it, my dear.”
“Let’s say, hypothetically, somepony attempted to assassinate you. What—”
“I would deliver upon to them a fury that burned with the heat and power of a thousand suns,” said Celestia blandly. “I would rend their souls from their bodies and leave them mere husks of their former selves. I would overload their every atom with magical energy, causing their every cell to supernova one by one. Then, if they were lucky, I’d have them executed.” Celestia tilted her head curiously. “Why do you ask?”
Cadance wasn’t sure if she should be amused or terrified, so she chose to be a bit of both.
“Oh, no reason. Just curious, you know.” Cadance could barely hold back her laughs as she began casting her partial invisibility spell. When it was complete, she would be able to make herself invisible to any ponies she chose while remaining seen by others, like her dear aunt.
“Hm? What was that?” asked Celestia. “Did you cast a spell?”
“No spell, Auntie. Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” asked Cadance, giggling to herself. “You must be seeing things.”
“Hm… Perhaps I have been overworking myself, just a tad,” sighed Celestia. “All the more reason for us to have more time like this together.”
Before Cadance could respond, the grand doors to the throne room flew open, distracting the princesses from their conversation. Silence reigned supreme in Canterlot’s throne room, unbroken for several tense, slightly uncomfortable moments.
“Are you serious?” a voice whispered on the outside of the throne room. “You’ve gotta be joking.”
“The Great Trixie does not joke! Just do as you’re told!” hissed another, more obnoxious voice.
“But… Ugh. Fine.”
A plume of purple smoke curled into the room, condensing onto itself and manifesting itself into a luxurious red carpet that rolled forward, stopping just before the thrones at which Cadance and Celestia sat. A unicorn mare in a long, flowing black cloak stepped forward, followed by the Princess of Friendship herself. The other mare, the one that Celestia assumed must have been the Great Trixie, had a mane of black and white, with a coat of light blue. Her eyes were blood red and faintly glowing, which would intimidate a lesser mare than Celestia.
“Twilight?” said Celestia curiously. “I was not expecting you today. Who might this be?”
“Your undoing,” said Trixie, overflowing with magical energy. Or, at least, she seemed to think she was overflowing with magical energy. In actuality, her lack of power was almost embarrassing. “Step forward, Princess Celestia. Prepare to face your end.”
“Er… I beg your pardon?” Celestia slowly rose from her seat. “I urge you to watch your tongue when speaking to your princess. Who are you?”
“I am Equestria’s reckoning, Celestia,” said Trixie boldly. Twilight shook her head, burying her face into her hoof.
“I’m so sorry, Princess Celestia,” sighed Twilight. “I don’t understand why she’s like this.”
“Trixie is like this because she is sick and tired of being misused and underappreciated!” barked the intruder. “Trixie demands the power she deserves, and the only way to get it… is to destroy you, Princess Celestia!”
“So… you’ve come to kill me?” asked Celestia. She turned to her niece, who merely shushed her with her hoof.
“That is correct, soon-to-be-former Princess of Equestria!” shouted Trixie, bristling with confidence. “So, have at it, Celestia of Canterlot! Take the first shot! I promise you, it shall be your last!”
Twilight hid her face even deeper in her hooves if at all possible, unable to watch her frenemy be turned to a puddle of goo by the Princess of the Sun.
“Um… Are you quite sure about that?” asked Celestia.
“Do not mock Trixie by doubting her certainty. It matters not who fires first,Trixie will be the victor!” Trixie charged her horn with magic. “So come, Princess! Battle me if you think you’ve got the mettle!” Celestia waved her horn gently through the air, faint golden sparks raining down. “Of course, if you surrender now, I’ll be sure to make your death qui—”
Trixie froze in place, her mouth gaping open.
“It’s been awhile since I used that time-freezing spell,” said Celestia. She turned to face her niece. “Alright, I think you two owe me some form of explanation. What exactly is going on?”
Trixie and Cadance shared a glance, then told their stories to Celestia. The Princess of the Sun kept up a raised eyebrow of confusion for the duration of the tale.
“So, just to be clear,” said Celestia. “You faked your death to avoid an assassin, then sent that assassin to your sister-in-law, with the goal of having Twilight then in turn direct the assassin towards me.”
“That is correct, Auntie,” said Cadance, lounging comfortably in her chair.
“And why did you not arrest her on the spot?”
“Trixie is completely harmless! Her magic is about as strong as a sick child’s.”
“And, frankly, that’s being generous,” said Twilight. “I’ve seen earth pony corpses with stronger unicorn magic than Trixie.”
“So you sent her to me in hopes that I… what, have her executed?” asked Celestia in confusion. “Cadance, I don’t make a habit of the whole ‘make every cell supernova’ thing. That was just a hypothetical.”
“Of course, of course,” said Cadance. “This was just to have a bit of fun, and for a bet.”
“Which reminds me…” said Twilight, grinning widely. “I win! Pay up, Cadance. Fifty bits and your rarest book.”
“I’ll get it to you at the first opportunity. You know I’m good for it,” said Cadance, bowing her head in defeat. “How did you get her to fight Celestia without faking your death, anyway?”
“I convinced her that Celestia’s sources of power were multiple universes of magical energy stored within her body and the only way to beat her was with my knowledge of her.”
“That’s absolutely preposterous,” scoffed Celestia. “If that were the case, I would vaporize any ponies I came in contact with. I’d boil the oceans every time I went to the beach! I’d melt the ice caps every time I visited the north and flood the country.”
“Look, we never said Trixie was especially bright,” said Twilight.
“Actually, we meant to imply the exact opposite.”
“I see. But her attempts at your lives, those were real?” asked Celestia. The other princesses nodded. “Okay then. So should I have her arrested?”
“Eh… Let her get some shots in,” said Twilight. “She’s trying really hard.”
“If she hits me, even with a weak spell, I have to send her to Tartarus,” said Celestia. “You do understand that, don’t you?”
“Auntie, I’ve actually seen this mare fight,” said Cadance. “She couldn’t hit the broadside of a mountain range.”
“Very well. Since you two find this so amusing, I shall play along,” said Celestia. “But, as soon as the fun has been had, she will be punished.”
Both Cadance and Celestia turned to face Twilight expectantly, as if waiting for the Princess of Friendship to say something. Twilight just stared uncomfortably at them for a moment before breaking the silence.
“What?” she asked.
“This feels like the part where you should be telling us to give Trixie a second chance,” said Cadance.
“Yes, I would have thought you’d be begging me not to banish your friend,” said Celestia.
“Hey, Trixie is not my friend. She’s just some mare I know that hates my guts,” explained Twilight. “She’s Starlight’s friend, and Starlight is my friend, but that does not make Trixie my friend. No transitive property here.”
“Still… Aren’t you supposed to be a peacenik?” asked Cadance.
“Right up until the point where I feel my friends and kingdom may be threatened. When I found out Trixie was coming for me, I was prepared to smack her with a star system. Tartarus is probably a safer alternative.”
“Well, alright then. Let us resume where we left off,” said Celestia. She waved her horn through the air, send sparks down and cancelling her time spell.
“—ck! Perhaps if you beg and give up your power easily, Trixie will show you mercy!” said Trixie, bubbling with a completely, wholly undeserved confidence.
“You wish to battle me, then so be it,” said Celestia. She rolled her neck, which popped in several places. “It has been a while since I had a proper magic duel.”
The scene was set. The most powerful force in Equestria standing against a mare who thought she was worthy of ascending to the throne. Power and energy crackled between them, the tension growing palpable. Twilight had never seen as much determination and confidence as Trixie had at that moment. It was as impressive as it was pitiful.
Celestia acted first, firing a weak beam of magic out to see how Trixie would react. To the surprise of everypony in the room, Trixie managed to dodge. Absolutely giddy with herself, Trixie followed up the surprising display with a decently-aimed counter attack. Celestia quickly brought up a shield of sunny yellow energy to protect herself from the jets of violet light that Trixie was pelting her with.
“Impressive,” said Celestia. “It seems I have underestimated you.”
“That will be your last mistake, Princess Celestia!” cackled Trixie. “Finally, you will all see Trixie for the powerhouse she’s always been!”
“Uh, Trixie?” Twilight stepped forward slightly. “You may want to take it easy.” Trixie ignored her, instead doubling her efforts to crack Celestia’s barrier.
“You will fall on this day, Princess! And from the ashes of your kingdom will rise a new, more powerful one erected in Trixie’s glorious image!” Celestia’s shield cracked from the sheer force of Trixie’s multiple spells. “Now, Celestia, you will fall to the Mighty, the Magnificent, the Great, the Powerful…” She charged up as much magic as she could muster into her horn and released it in a massive jet of energy. “TRRRRRIXIE! ”
Celestia’s eyes grew wide as Trixie’s magic connected with her shield. Time seemed to stop as Celestia’s golden barrier cracked further and further. Just when everypony, Trixie included, thought that the shield had prevailed, it burst into sunny fragments. Celestia stumbled backwards in shock, then in pain as a shard of her own shield grazed her cheek. The room fell silent as Celestia reached her hoof up to her wound, feeling the faint trickle of blood drip.
“Holy hell, you hit her,” whispered Twilight. “Trixie, you really shouldn’t have—”
“I think that’s enough of this game,” said Celestia. She closed her eyes for a moment, charging magic into her core. When she opened her eyes, they shone white like heavenly beams from the gods themselves. Immediately, everypony in the room felt immensely inferior, almost infantile. Celestia exuded power, and it straight up terrified the would-be alicorn-killer.
“Have you anything to say before you face punishment for your actions?” asked Celestia, her very voice causing the fabric of reality to warp around her. Trixie shrunk down onto herself sheepishly.
“Er… Trixie supposes it’s a bit too late for an apology?” tried Trixie.
Celestia fired a beam from her horn, aimed at the floor beneath Trixie’s hooves. The ground cracked open and, out of the depths of the resulting void, several angry red hooves reached up, wrapping themselves around Trixie. The attempted assassin screamed in fear, kicking and fighting with all her might, but it was no use. With one last, powerful tug, the hooves dragged Trixie down completely, closing the void behind them.
Celestia let the magic fade from her body, then slowly and silently returned to her seat. Twilight and Cadance stared at her, mouths agape.
“What?” said Celestia. “I warned you what would happen if she hit me.”
“Princess Celestia…” said Twilight. “Did you just flip the game board?”
“I think she did,” said Cadance. “You really didn’t think she’d hit you, did you?”
Celestia grumbled to herself, gingerly rubbing her wounded cheek.
“That really hurt,” murmured Celestia. Twilight and Cadance peered at their mentor, barely holding back their giggles.
“You’re such a sore loser, Princess!” said Twilight.
Some time later…
“And then I ended up here,” said Trixie, leaning up against the cool blue stone walls. Her new roommate was being surprisingly pleasant about this whole thing. Though he was a fearsome beast that threatened all of Equestria, Lord Tirek was quite conversational.
“Interesting. I was not aware that mortal ponies could even be sent to Tartarus,” said Tirek. “You must have truly angered those princesses.”
“Well, I did attempt to kill them,” said Trixie with a shrug. “And Trixie almost got away with it, too. When her sentence is over, Trixie will enact her revenge!”
“You are aware that there are ways to acquire alicorn magic without killing one, right?” asked Tirek. “Even I knew better than to try and kill one of them. They’re simply too powerful to overpower in that way. You’d better off finding another path to power.”
“But alicorn murder is so satisfying! It’s not about the power, it’s about how one gets that power!”
“So you want to kill an alicorn?” asked Tirek. Trixie nodded. “Didn’t you just attempt to do that very thing?” Again, Trixie nodded. “Ah. And how well did that work for you exactly?”
Author's Note
Huzzah! I finally finished this story! It took way longer than it should have, but I finally made it happen.
Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed.
