Jackie Chan Adventures... In Equestria

by VunderGuy

Rating: everyone
Tags: Mystery, Comedy, Adventure, Crossover, Human
Length: 4624

Jackie and Jade end up in Canterlot during Chrysalis’s invasion. Their swift intervention saves Twilight’s life and kicks the queen’s thorax, but sets the stage for a greater evil to reawaken. One using a far different Zodiak than the talismans

Jackie Chan and his niece, Jade Chan, have taken on mythical and legendary creatures galore, vast supercriminal organizations with pockets almost as bottomless as their desire for global domination, and survived living under the same roof with the likes of Uncle and Toru. But nothing could prepare them for their greatest challenge yet.

A world of little, magic, talking, technicolor ponies.

Even worse, it turns out this new world is home to its own menagerie of beasties and bad guys, and on to add the cherry on top of this chocolate sunday of disaster, its own analogue to the talismans and shendu.

At least these twelve magic ‘medallions’ take their cues from the Greek Zodiac instead and this crazy planet’s shendu stand-in isn’t a dragon.

So that’s a plus.

Oh yeah! Unlike Section 13, the natives, especially the ‘elements of harmony,’ are actually occasionally helpful.

So that’s a REAL plus.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-23 15:44:56 UTC

A CANTERLOT WEDDING: PART 1

Chapter 1. A CANTERLOT WEDDING: PART 1

To Queen Chrysalis of the Changeling Empire, the sight before her made her cry more tears of joy than any painting she had ever beheld, the shrill screams of equines in their guttural tongue as he forces destroyed all they held dear more soothing to her than all the music.

Tears of joy were not the only kind of tears running down her face, though. For despite the years of her black heart becoming an even harder obsidian, she could not help but remember the words of mother; words she had, in youthful folly, spurned along with their owner despite how true they rung this day.

‘This is for you, mother. I hope that the Lord of whatever pit you now dwell in lets you see this,’ she whispered to herself.

“I wouldn’t be so arrogant, if I were you.”

Chrysalis turned around on the balcony of the Canterlot Castle Chapel she stood on and looked back inside the main room toward the speaker of such words. “For your information, Celestia, I was merely partaking in a moment of quiet reflection and thanksgiving. If you so wish, however, I could very well gloat boisterously, in lyrical form no less. This day has been just perfect. The kind of day I’ve dreamed of since I was small—”

“—in the thousand years I’ve ruled on my own, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anypony dreaming of madness such as this.”

Chrysalis smirked. “Jokes on you. I’m not even a pony. Heck, I’m not even a mammal.”

“Bask the glory of what heights you’ve attained, Chrysalis, for I assure you it is fleeting and that before the sun’s dusk, you will fail.”

“Ooooh,” Chrysalis said in the kind of mock intrigue one directs towards a child. “I’m positively quivering in my exoskeleton. I mean, your only hope of salvation hinges on an apple farmer, a baker, a weather mare, an amateur animal caretaker, and a librarian managing to take out a horde of creatures with only the slimmest of nervous system that even your nation’s crack troops were ill-prepared for.”

Chrysalis had to admit it: if somepony had so thoroughly pointed out the flaws in a pan of hers like that, she’d be utterly baffled and probably scream to the heavens in rage. Instead, Celestia’s face took a neutral expression as she hung upside down in the magic sapping cocoon Chrysalis had prepared just for her.

Chrysalis, however, frustrated that she did not elicit a more satisfying emotion from the solar alicorn, said, “What’s the matter? Pincer got your tongue?” She teleported in front of and beneath Celestia. Then, with all the condescension she could muster, she patted Celestia on the cheek and said, “There, there. I know full well that… ‘older’ mares tend not to be as sharp as they were in their sprier, less pudgy days. Take your time. I can wait.”

Chrysalis knew that if anypony ever did what she was doing to Celestia, she’d rip their head off and feed the remains to her underlings. Celestia, however, remained as still as a mountain range before saying, “Your haughtiness reminds me of someone. Like you, his pride caused him to greatly underestimate the element bearers, and for his hubris, he was turned to stone and is now only fit for the target practice of pigeons in the royal garden.”

The cold venom in her voice was not what Chrysalis was expecting. Truth be told, she was somewhat intimidated by it and actually did shake in her exoskeleton. The shaking was apparently noticeable enough for Celestia to say, “What’s the matter? Pincer got your tongue?”

In an attempt to save face, Chrysalis punted the fact that defeating Celestia so easily in an upfront confrontation was a godsend and not apart of her original plan at all to the deepest recesses of her mind.

Then, she feigned a nonplussed look at Celestia’s words and walked around Celestia’s pod. “Oh please, Celestia. I know all about Discord and how those six peasants managed to defeat him. It’s kind of hard not to when all your tunnels are filled with whipped cream, delicious as it was. All I can say to your attempt to threaten me is that I’m shocked that a spirit of Chaos didn’t have a mind orderly enough to stop commoners from besting him. Simply shocked, I tell you.”

Coming to a stop next to her captive audience, Chrysalis then said, “I’ll tell you something else: my agents have infiltrated so deep into your Principality’s public and private sector bureaucrats, that the pits of Tartarus are but a kiddie pool by comparison.”

Chrysalis stopped in front of Celestia to see her brow furrow in consternation. “Just how deep?”

A predatory grin graced Chrysalis’s face. “Well, let’s just say—” Chrysalis then bumped her muzzle against Celestia’s. “—Velocitas Eradico.”

Chrysalis waited for it. She knew out of anything she could have said, surely a bombshell of that caliber was sufficient to get a rise out of ‘Her Royal Pain.’ Instead, Celestia looked at her for a few long moments before only sighing lightly and closing her eyes. “So, you know about The Initiative.”

Angry that Celestia was still acting so calm and collected, Chrysalis growled and pulled her face away. “Yes. I have to say it’s quite the investment. I’ll make sure to put the dividends it produces to good use once I take my forces for a cruise across the pond to the old countries. After I’m done eliminating any serious threats to my new order on this sub-continent, of course.”

It was then that the double-doors into the Chapel opened inwardly, revealing dozens of her soldiers and the captured element bearers.

“Speak of the devil,” Chrysalis said, flashing one last monstrous grin at Celestia before turning fully towards the approaching crowd. “Well done my soldiers. Well done! Remind me to dummy you all up a reward later on.”

“Careful my queen. Though they may not look it, these equines are no slouch in a scrap,” said one of the changeling soldiers.

Chrysalis didn’t dare look behind her to see the smirk she was certain was on Celestia’s face. Instead, with a deadpan expression, she said, “Duly noted. Now deposit your prisoners and stand watch outside. I wish to speak with them in private.”

“At once, my queen.”

The guards did as they were told, the ones carrying the elements on their backs dropping them on the hard marble floor with all the ceremony of garbage ponies dropping off rubbish. Chrysalis smiled as all six of them winced in pain, no doubt magnified by the number of cuts, scrapes, and bruises dotting their bodies.

“So tell me, my little ponies, how did that mad dash for your magic jewelry go? See any interesting sights, like the bottom of my soldiers’ hooves right before making a mess of your pretty faces?”

Despite both of her eyes being almost swollen shut, Twilight managed to open them up slightly and look towards where Chrysalis assumed she thought where Cadence was.

Chrysalis’s suspicious were affirmed when Twilight’s swollen lips painfully muttered out, “Ca—Cadence—”

Chrysalis couldn’t help but cackle manically at that. “Sorry, but I’m afraid your beloved love Princess decided to get uppity when I assured her that victory was mine.” Chrysalis glanced behind herself to the puddle of magic draining goop that Cadence was lying unconscious in. “Let’s just say that she got more than her fair share of good looks at the backside of my hoof.”

Chrysalis’s predatory grin came back when she saw Twilight’s swollen eyes open up at this and glance at Princess Cadence’s unmoving form.

“No…” Twilight said, barely above a whisper.

“Yes,” Chrysalis responded, barely to hold back her growing desire to laugh. “Now you realize just what kind of hornets nest you just had to keep kicking.”

Rainbow Dash, struggling against the rope that bound her, inched like a slug along the ground towards the Changeling Queen with a fire in her soul. “Chrysalis, you little cockroach! When I get my hooves on you, I’ll squish you good!”

Chrysalis’s horn began crackling with green electricity. “Sorry—” A bolt of green lightning erupted from her horn and struck Rainbow in her shoulder, singing her fur there and causing her to cry out in pain and become eerily still. “—but I prefer to zap my own pests.”

A stunned series of gasps erupted from the remaining element bearers and Celestia. “Rainbow Dash!” all six of them cried.

“Chrysalis, you monster! How could you!?” Celestia demanded, her efforts to break free of her cocoon doubling.

“Oh come now, Celestia. The winged braggart is quite all right. Undoubtedly in a pain induced stupor, but her heart still beats nonetheless.” Chrysalis looked at Celestia. “Contrary to what you may think, it is not my will that any of your precious little ponies perish this day. After all, my new empire needs worker bees and cannon fodder for what I have planned, and the element bearers certainly have the gumption, if not the brains, to be a cut above my other equine slaves.”

“We’ll… never be your slaves!” Rarity said through gritted teeth with disgust for the last word born of experience.

“Yeah! I’d rather take a dirt nap than be a workhorse for a butt ugly critter like you!” Applejack cried out with equal defiance.

Chrysalis smirked. “How about a short nap instead?” A green aura appeared around Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie, Chrysalis telekinetically hurling them against a wall, knocking them out cold.

“Nooo!” Twilight yelled out loud, finding the strength to try and break free just like her teacher.

“However, Celestia, I must admit that with each passing moment, I find it very hard not to fell your prized pupil.” Chrysalis fluttered into the air and began circling around Twilight. “After all, she was the ONLY pony within this overrated country of yours that was able to see through my charade. She was also the one who figured out how to best Nightmare Moon and Discord and, to top it all off, is the element of magic, capable of great feats even without her enchanted jewelry. Feats that would certainly render her a great thorn in my side should she grow to a ripe old age in my new empire.”

“You wouldn’t,” Celestia said, an obvious crack in her stoicism evident in her voice.

In a flash of green, Chrysalis teleported in front of Celestia and bumped her muzzle against the solar alicorn’s. “Wouldn’t I?”

Quickly, Chrysalis turned around and zapped Twilight with a continuous steam of lightning, the unicorn’s cries of pain never letting up.

“Chrysalis!”

Chrysalis took to the air and began circling Twilight again, never once ceasing the electrical stream from her horn. “Oh keep your garish regalia on, Princess of the sun. The voltage is quite low level and will stop soon enough once you give me the answer to a question that’s been mocking me for quite some time.”

“What? What is it?” Celestia asked over Twilight’s cries.

“You see, despite my genius my infiltrators’ skills, and the general ineptitude of even your best and brightest, I have been… unable to acquire a very specific password to one of your subprojects working on very peculiar things that rhythm with ‘Loud Toms.’ A password I know for a fact only you know.”

Celestia’s eyes widened and her mouth dropped.

“Oh, what’s the matter? Didn’t expect my agents to have dug THAT deep?”

“No, I—”

“—Don’t care,” Chrysalis interrupted. “Now hurry up with the answer before I ‘accidentally’ cause Twilight to walk away from this with a nervous system disorder.”

Celestia’s eyes darted too and fro from Twilight to Chrysalis like a wonder bolt at top speed. “Chrysalis—” she began, her voice even. “—if what you say is true, then you know I can’t give you the password.”

“Do I, now?” Chrysalis increased the voltage she was sending to Twilight with ear-splitting results that could be heard all the way to Prance.

“TWILIGHT!” Celestia yelled, slipping into the royal Canterlot voice, her mask of stoicism finally shattering into a million pieces.

Right before Twilight would have blacked out, Chrysalis finally stopped shocking her. After all, Twilight would make a far better bargaining chip battered and bruised and moving than lying still. “I’m not playing games here, Celestia.” Chrysalis brought a hood to her chin and looked thoughtful. “Well, actually I suppose that is a bit of a fib, but still, this game is not one you can completely win. So, Celestia, you’ll have to make a value judgment. Which is more important to you? The life of your personal student, or another one of your many, many secrets?”

A furious look came upon Celestia. “You know for a fact that if I gave you what you wanted, I’d only be putting millions more lives at risk.

“Oh again with your assumptions of what I do and do not know. Allow me to truly enlighten you about myself, Princess.” Chrysalis landed just behind Twilight and pointed at her. “Fact one: I am an emotivore with a special penchant for love. Fact two: I did my research, so even without tasting the mouth watering parental love you have with Twilight, I know that you’re practically more of a mother to her than her birth one. Fact three: because of this, I am certain you will tell me the password.

Chrysalis walked to Twilight and began playfully running a hoof through the lavender mare’s mane, which smoked from all of the electricity. “After all, you only suspect that I’ll use the fruit of that project wantonly, when I could just as easily use them as deterrents to get your more rebellious subjects and the lands across the sea in line without anypony having to die.” Chrysalis grabbed Twilight with the crook of her forehead by her neck and held her close to her face. Chrysalis’s eyes were narrowed to slits as she then gazed at Celestia. “But you KNOW that I’ll kill Twilight.”

Chrysalis relished the look of shear horror Celestia had, as well as the conflicting emotions dancing so artfully across her face that she didn’t even need to use her psionic senses to know that Celestia was seriously considering cow towing to her ultimatum. More than that, though, Chrysalis was simply jumping for joy at her place in history as the one foe that had succeeded where all others failed, and forced Celestia to make an intentionally selfish decision for once during her millennial reign.

Even if by some miracle of Faust, Chrysalis ultimately failed, equine scribes and Celestia herself would make sure to include that failure of hers, which would make generations of her little ponies question her little diarchy for as long as Equestria exists.

And if Chrysalis succeeded? Well, let’s just say that Celestia would make quite the convenient scapegoat for her equine slaves to direct their hatred towards, for without that password, Chrysalis knew that her domination over them would not be nearly as total.

Twilight, however, had other plans. And right as Celestia’s lips were about to spill the beans, too.

“Celestia, no!” Twilight shouted. “Don’t tell her anything that’d help—”

Chrysalis shoved a hoof into Twilight’s mouth to stop her. Chuckling uncomfortably, she said, “Oh, don’t mind her. Now, about that password…”

Chrysalis waited for Celestia to continue, but found her hopes dashed when Twilight and Celestia shared a long tear filled glance, broken only by Celestia’s sniffling. That glance told Chrysalis all she needed to know, and with a huff, she pulled out her hoof from Twilight’s mouth. “Well, at least Twilight won’t be inciting any revolts in my new world order.”

Chrysalis’s horn began to glow with the biggest, most dramatic looking green lightning she could muster, a thunderbolt worthy of some long lost Minotauran god being prepared to end her lavender nuisance once and for all.

“Twilight—” Celestia began, barely above a whisper. “I’m so sorry. I should have listened! I should have—”

“It’s okay Prin—Celestia. I’ve made my peace. Just promise me to always be the mare I looked up to, that Equestria needs to get her through good times, and bad.”

“I will, Twilight. Faust help me, I will.”

A part of Chrysalis felt… something other than disgust at such a saccharine, however genuine, display. She felt her shriveled up tear ducts working harder than they had in years, and felt her breathing become slightly erratic.

But it was a fleeting thing, smothered all to quickly by the darkness of her soul. In a moment she regained her composure, though with not as much enthusiasm as to cackle manically again. Perhaps after she stood victorious over Twilight’s corpse to rub it in Celestia’s face?

“And now, this little song and dance must reach its inevitable crescendo. The time has come for the coup de grace. So long, Twilight Sparkle. May the fires of the abyss I send you to be—”

Chrysalis never got to finish that sentence, for in a flash of cerulean, two objects appeared above her and slammed into her back, causing her to slam into the floor with the clang of chitin on marble and to lose control of her thunderbolt. The massive electrical build up went high and severed the goop that held Celestia’s pod, both it and her crashing to the ground with an unceremonious ‘thwack.’

And thusly, was the course of Equestria history forever altered in more ways than are apparent…

*****

The first thing Jackie thought of when the impact shock had stopped rattling his nerves was that he had fallen. Again. Now, by Jackie’s standards, falling wasn’t anything special. Heck, you can even call it quite common, especially how his life had been going what with all the stuff with the talismans and Jade. Especially Jade.

Yet, for some reason, he had the vague impression that he had fallen a lot recently and in ways that, while as minor to him as stepping barefoot on a legobrick, had actually done quite a bit of damage to him.

He couldn’t dwell on that though, as his eyebrows scrunched together at something else that struck him. Why was it that all he could remember about the past few years or so after Shendu and Drago were finally trapped for good just a vague impression? And for that matter, where was he? What had he been doing?

And why did whatever he land on feel so… chitinous?

“Uhhh… Uncle Jackie?”

Jackie opened his eyes and turned his head to his right where he heard his niece’s voice originate. Her eyelids were only open a sliver, but despite the groans of pain she let out, she was fine.

Jackie breathed in a sigh of relief. Though he couldn’t recall a time where Jade had been injured too severely, knowing her, he’d never survive her complaining or the fright he’d get when she inevitably decided to join him on some harrowing misadventure despite such a handicap.

“I’m right here Jade.”

Jade turned her head towards him. “Neato. So, did you happen to get the number of that—” She stopped mid sentence, her half lidden eyes opening to the size of the average massive tome in the back of Uncle’s shop. “—truck.”

Jackie shot a confused eyebrow her way. “Jade?”

“Jackie… whatever you do, don’t look to your left.”

Under normal circumstances, Jackie would most certainly have listened to his niece. She had, after all, earned her keep when it counted most and for all he knew, they could have landed on some sort of wild beast that would attack the moment Jackie made any sudden movements.

Addled as his mind was though, his better judgment had not quite rebooted yet, he ignored his niece’s instructions and followed his fully restored curiosity instead.

When he did, he came face to face with what looked to be a cross between an insect and an equine a black the color of obsidian, its scowl showing row upon row of razor sharp teeth, the most threatening looking being its four, monstrous fangs.

“Oh, hello weird cockroach-horsey,” he said in a dulcet tone, smiling and waving.

The ‘cockroach-horsey’ snarled, bathing Jackie with breath that was actually quite pleasant despite coming from such an abominable creature, though he couldn’t quite place the scent.

“Jackie…” Jade said slowly and fearfully.

Jackie immediately realized his mistake, his eyes growing just as wide as Jade’s. Before he could gasp, the creature did something that broke any cool he had.

It spoke. With perfect English and a feminine accent, no less. “Get. Off. Me. NOW!”

With that bombshell of an incentive dropped, Jackie started panicking properly, shrieking as loudly as he could, Jade joining in soon after.

Frozen as they both were with fear, though, they only got off the thing when its membranous wings started flapping (one of them slapping Jackie in face repeatedly) and they slid off it as it took to the air above them. They then chose the light part of the flight or flight instinct and made a dead sprint for the exit, only catching their breaths from all their screaming when they tackled the double-doors that were apparently the only way in or out of this place.

When the doors parted, they found themselves at the top of a flight of stars that descended into a courtyard… filled with dozens more, if smaller and noticeably more insect like ‘cockroach-horseys,’ looking up at them with crystal blue compound eyes like some exotic houseflies.

“Ahhh!” they yelled, turning back the way they came, slamming the doors shut, and placing their backs against it.

Quickly, Jackie scanned the room for something to bar the door with, but finding nothing within reach, and suspecting Jade wasn’t strong enough to hold the door when the creatures outside inevitably tried to ram their way in, he untied his belt from his pants and re-tied it inbetween the doors’ handles.

When the two of them were sure that the doors would hold against the creatures now without their added weight pressed against it, Jackie and Jade slid down the doors, breathed in a sigh of relief, and wiped some sweat from their brows.

“Whew,” they said.

They were brought out of their reprieve, however, when they heard the sound of someone clearing their throat and saying, ‘Ahem.’ They looked up and mentally slapped themselves for forgetting about the larger cockroach-horsey still hovering above them.

For a few tense moments, Jackie and Hade stared at the creature, which returned the look in kind, though with far less far and far more annoyance.

“Well. Go on. I’m waiting,” it said.

Evidently, Jackie and Jade resuming their terrified bellowing wasn’t what it had in mind, as it snarled once more before a sickly green glow appeared at the end of the horn like protrusion on its forehead. A thin green beam of energy lanced forth, cutting a small line in the marble floor just beyond Jackie and Jade’s tippy toes. They grabbed onto the other, their screams dying in their throat.

Before their yelling could be resurrected, the creature spoke up. “Now then, that’s enough screaming for one day, wouldn’t you agree?”

Jackie and Hade took in a deep breath and prepared to scream once more.

Like before though, the creature beat them to the proverbial draw. “Before you resume giving me a migraine, know that, as long as the two of you are quiet and answer all of my questions adequately, I will not hurt you. Keep trying to give me a migraine, though, and I assure you that I will throttle you until you stop. Savvy?”

Jackie and Jade nodded their heads.

“Good. Now, let us begin with the most pressing query on my mind: how did the two of you manage to bypass my guard?”

“Your guard? You mean those other freaky looking cockroach-horsey things trying to break in?” Jade asked.

Jackie gasped at her curt response. “Jade! Are you crazy! Don’t antagonize it!”

The big cockroach-horsey growled. “You’d be wise to listen to your father, child.”

“Jackie’s not my dad, and I’m NOT a child,” Jade said, getting back to her feet, a glare much too intense for someone her age being shot the big cockroach-horsey’s way. “And I don’t like your attitude Ms. Bossy. So, the way I see it, either you apologize to me and my UNCLE here, or we won’t tell you squat!”

The big cockroach-horsey looked at Jade with a great big ‘not amused’ face. Then a wide, Cheshire grin spread from both its ears. “Hahahahaha!” it laughed, struggling to keep its wings buzzing fast enough to provide lift.

Jade looked positively miffed and grumbled with a slouched posture and puffed up upper lip.

After the big cockroach-horsey was done wiping away the tears from its eyes, it said, “Oh my, you are a spunky on, aren’t you?” Its expression soured on a dime. “Unfortunately for you, unless its on my side, I HATE spunk.”

Its horned glowed again. “Now, tell me what I want to know, or else. This is my last warning.”

Jade was not impressed, her brain having fully awakened and gotten over the initial shock of waking up in a unknown place with such freaky looking weirdo creatures. To show this, she stretched her body out and yawned in the face of whatever the cockroach-horsey had in mind, which Jade suspected wasn’t much.

“Look Ms. Bossy, I don’t know about you, but I’m in a really good mood today.” Jade wasn’t lying. Though she would have preferred fate give her some sort of early notice, she was glad to have been dropped off into some crazy new adventure. She couldn’t remember the last time she had gone on one ever since the talismans were all gone. In fact, now that she thought about it, she couldn’t remember much in between that day and today. Eh. She’d figure it out. “So, I’ll give you to the count of three to amscray before I sick the Jackinator on you to open up a can all over your ugly face!”

Jackie was a loss for words. “Jade! What are you—”

“—now, before you get your hopes up and think you have good odds, you should know that my Unc has taken on mythic beasts, super spies, super thieves, super treasure hunters, demons, demon sorcerers, shadow ninjas, and all kinds of bad guys with weapon’s grade magic and technology and always ends up sitting on a mountain of foiled plans and kicked butts!”

“Really?” the big cockroach-horsey said as she turned her attention to Jackie.

Under its gaze, Jackie sprang to his feet and waved his hands back and forth, shaking his head from side in a panic.

“Heck yeah! Jackie’s the greatest hero around where I come from, so if I were you, I’d either apologize or turn trail and vamoose right now!”

“Are you sure?”

Jackie’s head and hand motions became even faster.

“Do you have a face only a mother could love?”

A rather unmasculine squeak came forth from Jackie’s throat, and all hope he had of ending this situation peacefully died out when he saw the look of unbridled fury on the big cockroach-horsey’s face.

A look that was directed at him. “We’ll then, tell your Uncle Jackie that, when I’m through with him, the words, ‘Property of Queen Chrysalis of The Changeling Horde,’ will be etched repeatedly into his sorry flank!”

With that, its horn glowed ever brighter, giving Jackie only enough time to say one thing before she attacked.

“Ahhhhh!”

THE END... TILL NEXT TIME!