Awkward surgeons

by ThePonyOfEntertainment

Rating: teen
Tags: Science Fiction, Comedy, Rarity, Derpy Hooves, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Applejack
Length: 3760

Learn about Derpy's professional experience with surgery and other medical procedures!

After a faint accident Derpy had as a child, she herself wanted to be like the surgeon that saved her life. Sadly, she gets the job done, but in awkward ways.

Published 2016-04-25 00:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-04 04:30:25 UTC

Episode 1: Hoof Amputation

Author's Note

IDK about you guys, but proof reading this made me laugh my ass off!

Episode 1: Hoof Amputation

Episode 1: Hoof Amputation

In an alternate universe, somewhere out there, Derpy is actually a surgeon... Well a shitty surgeon. After being dropped on the head as a foal, the surgeon that patched her up, also known as Alpha Cure Mom.... Yup some pretty weird name huh.. Well back to the story, He patched her up (Super glued her skull back intact). That's probably why shes retarded, Anywho.... Derpy is now a hobo that pretends to be a surgeon and actually gets away with it! Surprising but she actually gets paid at a minimum wage without the other ponies knowing about her uneducation.

Hospital Dandelion

"Today is a special day" Derpy had screamed, "today is the day I finally do a hoof amputation, but that's not the big deal! Today is the day I eat at Buffalo Hooves and Rings." She glared at the painting of a donut nailed to her office wall while saying the following. She then looked to her desktop on her mahogany desk and opened up with her cheap, plastic mouse-Cookie Clicker (A game where you click cookies). Out of nowhere, her only friend, which was Tofu, well atleast that's what Derpy calls her. "Tofu's" real name is Sunny Glimmer. Sunny Glimmer was starting to be concerned about Derpy, She'd randomly hear Derpy talking to herself and Derpy would always call her Tofu.

Derpy waved to Sunny and wailed "Wassup Tofu!"

Sunny responded, losing patience "For the bazillionth time, MY NAME IS NOT TOFU!"

Derpy said in a wonderous way "Tofu, what do you have against Brazilians?" Sunny didn't even bother to show any care of Derpys dialogue and just ignored her idiotic sense of behavior.

Sunny claimed with tolerance "Well stop playing your dumb game and go on with the hoof amputation." "And whats with all the garbage on these tiles, this floor used to look so squeaky clean before you came along." Sunny uttered in disgust while looking at the soda can filled walkway.

Derpy spoke "I bet the way you look at this floor is the same way when you look in the mirror! Derpy had roasted Sunny, her ass was deep fried!

Sunny didn't care and just told Derpy to follow her. Sunny had lead Derpy to the patients room, where a comfy bed with railings draped downward. Can you guess who was in that bed, your probably thinking it is Derpy's mother, but you're so wrong! It was.. Alpha Cure.... Alpha Cure Dad!

Derpy said nervously, "this is gonna hurt you more than it is gonna hurt you" Alpha Cure Dad looked at Derpy in Confuddlement, and was quite scared, he thought that Derpy was gonna amputate his nose rather than his right hoof.

Trying to calm himself down, Sunny whispered to him "Don't mind her, I think her mother was smoking weed while she was pregnant!"

"That didn't help at all! Jeesh that makes me more worried!" Alpha Cure Dad had secretly sounded to Sunny.

"Our you ponies talking about my ear, I really don't like it when you talk about my ear!" Derpy had rumored suspiciously.

Sunny commanded "Derpy inject anesthesia"

Derpy had asked Sunny " Anesthesia is the thing that makes you feel no pain... Right?"

Sunny than had announced with relief "Thank goodness you know what Anesthesia is!"

Derpy than closed the curtains of the room and clopped through the slippery tiles of the room and lunged on Alpha Cure Dad. Alpha responded to Derpy's actions and expressed in fright " Wha- what are you d-!" The cat had caught his tongue once Derpy slammed her hoof into the left half of his face.

Derpy had screamed in a panicky tone "Damnit, that's not how you do it!"

Sunny said with a piercing voice "Dumbass! Use the syringe"

Derpy then gazed at Sunny galloping towards her, Derpy then exclaimed in confidence "Tofu, did you even go to medical school?" Sunny just face-hooved, after Sunny took her hoof off of her face, She had saw Derpy turning her body to the right and raising her hoof. Sunny tried to force Derpy off of the patient, but it was to late! Derpy, trying to teach Sunny something new, stated "You just gotta put your back into it"

Alpha Cure Dad prepared for the punch and just untroubly muttered "Goodbye cruel Equestri-!" Alpha was unable to finish his sentence due to Derpy knocking him the f##k out! Derpy normally hopped off of the bed looking at Sunny.

Derpy curiously asked "Whats on your mind Tofu?"

Sunny replied with sarcasm and her dropping jaw "Oh nothing, you just knocked the patient the f##k out! I'm telling Doctor Slieza"

Derpy than reached for a scalpel from the workspace table, and put it towards Sunny's throat. Sunny tried to escape, but Derpy had pinned Sunny to the wall and softly said "You're gonna tell Doctor Slieza that you tripped on a pebble and accidentally headbutt Alpha!"

Sunny had stuttered "Uh-okay... Wait, that's not a good reason!

Derpy had said in confusion "What are you talking about! That's the perfect reason, wait, he's coming!" Derpy than hastefully retracted the knife and put it back on the workspace where it was first retrieved from.

Doctor Slieza had pushed aside the curtains to enter the room, and had saw Alpha with a excruciating, painful, black eye. He had curiously asked "Why does the patient have a black eye"

Sunny than responded to Slieza with doubt "Well.. You see, I tripped on a pebble and accidentally headbutt him.

Doctor Slieza than looked at Sunny with his eyes widening, he had then responded with energy "Oh!!! That makes perfect sense!" Derpy than confronted Sunny with a wink of the left eye.

Derpy moving her lips, but not making any sound whatsoever, pronounced "Told ya so!"

Slieza than announced "Well you ponies know what the drill is!"

Sunny than answered in confidence "Of course! First we must make incisions on the flesh so we can reach the bone, than we can laser the bone off.

Slieza looked into Sunny's pupils like she was a dumbass and said the following "Hell nah! We just chop the thing off with a kitchen knife!"

Sunny than asked with a smart remark "Yeah because ya know... Doctors have kitchen knives..."

Slieza faced away from Sunny Glimmer and reached into the pocket of his scrubs, he then pulled out a kitchen knife and quickly faced Sunny yet again. Doctor Slieza agreed with Sunny, not knowing she was hinting sarcasm and told her "A good doctor always brings a kitchen knife!"

Derpy closed her eyes and reputed "Finally, a pony that makes sense"

Slieza than put his attention towards Derpy and asked "Do you know the next thing to do?"

Derpy than said with a smile "You gotta use the potato peeler to peel the flesh off!"

Slieza than perambulated towards Derpy and gave her a pat on her mane and mummered "Atleast you know!"

Sunny than tried to vocalize "Bu- But!"

With anger, Slieza shut her up by saying "Derpy and I are professionals, shut your mouth and watch as we do this procedure!"

Slieza pulled out a potato peeler from the same pocket he got his kitchen knife from and screamed the following "TA DAH!"

Sunny than asked Doctor Slieza following with a sigh "So, first we're gonna cut the hoof off and then peel the flesh off..?

Doctor Slieza replied to her comment as fast as lightning "No, I said we peel the flesh off with a potato peeler first! Then we chop the bone off with the kitchen knife!

Sunny replied in a furious state of being ganged up on, making the following words "No you didn't, you screwed the steps up than fixed them to look innocent!" Sunny than thought to herself about what she was dealing with "Ah lets see! A senile and a dumbass!"

Derpy than swapped the potato peeler out of Doctor Slieza's hoof and started to peel off the necrotic flesh of Alpha Cure Dad's right hoof. Peeling "carefully" whilst looking at the low quality, white painted wall and thought to herself "What is my favorite type of ice cream?" While thinking that subject to herself, Alpha Cure Dad woke up and started screaming in excruciating pain! Derpy faced Alpha and shouted "Shut up! I'm trying to think about something!" Alpha had fainted from all the pain. Derpy had then de-fleshed Alpha's necrotic hoof.

Doctor Slieza went up to the patient, but Sunny was in the way.. So you know what Slieza did! No he didn't push her, HE PUNCHED HER! He had jammed his hoof straight into her nose, making her fall onto the hard, cold floor. Slieza pointed and laughed saying "HAHAHA....... Look at that lady bug on the floor. No really look Sunny, there is a lady bug near your broken nose!

Sunny than planted her face on the ground and said in a careless tone "Really... A ladybug, out of everything to laugh about, you chose a ladybug?"

Slieza refused to acknowledge Sunny Glimmer and popped in earbuds attached to his MP3 player and played the following song while preparing to cut the bone with the kitchen knife.

Sileza did a countdown "3, 2, 1" and then he screamed a battle cry after the first hit on the bone! Chopping it left and right, putting lots of force into his hits. Sunny leaning on the wall, glanced at Doctor Sileza chopping the bone. Sileza finally did a power hit to split the bone. "There ya go!" Sileza said while leaning in on the bone. Sileza than focused on Sunny and spoke "Are you ready to finally work!"

Sunny walked up to the severed hand and started stitching it up, sewing the skin together to cover the wound. Derpy crouched near the marble tiles where she could see her own reflection and picked up the necrotic hoof bone, She then excitedly whispered to herself "A new backscratcher!"

"What was that Derpy?" Sunny asked Derpy after hearing her forename something.

"Nothing... Nothing at all... Tofu.." Derpy replied back to Sunny with her question.

It was all over, Sileza left his hoof open for a high hoof. Derpy had high hooved him, Sunny Glimmer also longed for a high five, so she raised her hoof high for a high hoof "Hey don't leave me hanging here ponies!"

Sileza looked to the ground in embarrassment and just yelled "NO... GOD NO PLEASE NO!!!! JUST NO!!!"

Aftermath

Alpha Cure Dad woke up 3 hours later after the surgery. He went back home and commented about Hospital Dandelion, he said it was the shittiest hospital on planet Equestria and gave Derpy a 1 star ratings out of 5. Later that night, Derpy snuck into his wooden cabin and brutally stabbed the pony 7 times in the pancreas. Blinded by rage, she spat on his lifeless body's eye. When the police arrived due to hearing screaming because of the stabbing, Derpy fled the area!

The End!

Episode 2: On Strike!

Author's Note

One word: Gold!

Episode 2: On Strike!

Episode 2: On Strike!

In an alternate universe, somewhere out there, Derpy is actually a surgeon... Well a shitty surgeon. After being dropped on the head as a foal, the surgeon that patched her up, also known as Alpha Cure Mom.... Yup some pretty weird name huh.. Well back to the story, He patched her up (Super glued her skull back intact). That's probably why shes retarded, Anywho.... Derpy is now a hobo that pretends to be a surgeon and actually gets away with it! Surprising but she actually gets paid at a minimum wage without the other ponies knowing about her uneducation.

Follow up

On a "nice" Tuesday, Derpy's sister, Retarded, had recently choked on a BBC... Yup... A big bar of chocolate. What did you think "BBC" stood for... Pervert! Well, back to the story, Retarded's brain somehow shutdown due to the "BBC" Now Derpy must fulfill her destiny and save her older sister by performing a Brain Transplant! But will Derpy save her beloved sister?! We shall find out on Awkward Surgeon Ball Z!

Dandelion Hospital

Derpy had sobbed in tears! She had been thinking about her sister, but it wasn't her sister Retarded, it was her sister,Moron! Derpy had been concerned whether Moron would cook either lasagna or calzone that night. Derpy stayed flat on her chair, looking at Cookie Clicker, thinking to herself that it was definetly going to be calzone that night!

Out of a sudden, Doctor Slieza had pounced his way into Derpy's office. He then asked her "Are you going to be alright?"

Derpy looked up to him with sorrow in her face and followed up with a "Yeah, its just that Moron's lasagna taste like shit!"

Slieza had stared at Derpy for a while, he then replied "Oh.. I was talking about Retarded..."

Derpy looked at Slieza and put into words "Well, our you ready to do this brain transplant."

Doctor Slieza looked down at Derpy's filthy office room and whispered "I was born when I was ready!"

After the meek conversation, Derpy and Slieza had slogged their way to patient room 420. Derpy saw Retarded with saliva pouring out of her lower lip. Retarded could no longer move as of now due to her brain being all screwed up. Sunny than had made a sudden appearance in the room, shutting the curtains so no one would be able to see the procedure.

Doctor Slieza than listed the steps as the following "Okay, first we gotta use a kitchen knife to chop the scalp off..... Then I'll take the scalp home and feed it to my cat... I mean whuh!

Sunny asked Doctor Slieza with a curious tone "Did you just say you were gonna feed your dog the scalp?"

Slieza replied very fast, accidentally stuttering "No, I said, I wa- was gonna feed it to my ca- NOTHING!"

After Sunny was done questioning Slieza like an annoying bitch, Doctor Jaflabaragastafagarusafamama-head doctor of Dandelion Hospital-Held a clipboard in his hoof and slightly pushed his head through the curtains just enough to get the attention of Derpy. Doctor Jaflabaragastafagarusafamama sternly said "Derpy, get over here" Derpy didnt reply and nervously followed Jaflabaragastafagarusafamama to the parkway, outside of Dandelion Hospital. Doctor Jaflabaragastafagarusafamama pulled out a tablet from the back of his white, doctor coat. He then powered it on and showed Derpy footage of her performing the arm amputation! With his face getting angrily red, he screamed "What the hell were you doing!" He then showed her all of the footage, footage like Derpy knocking Alpha Cure Dad the f##k out, and when Derpy held a scalpel towards Sunny Glimmer's neck! He then screamed "Dumbass! When you threatened to kill Sunny, you pinned her on the wall! Making a large head indentation on the wall! I may be a head doctor, but I aint paying for repairs! You were doing good, did anesthesia correctly, almost everything was smooth! UNTIL YOU MADE A BUMP ON MY WALL!"

Derpy than formentioned "I'm pretty low on bits, so I'll just give you leftovers of what my sister makes for tonight!"

Jaflabaragastafagarusafamama screamed like a beast "You're fired, GET THE F##K OUT OF HERE!

Derpy focused straightly at doctor Jaflabaragastafagarusafamama, she then wailed "I WOULD FLICK YOU OFF BUT I DON'T HAVE A MIDDLEFINGER!" Jaflababaragastafagarusafamamama looked at Derpy in a naïve way and strided to the door, where he shut himself inside of Dandelion Hospital. Derpy thought to herself "Well, back to dumpster diving!"

Day Later on the Streets

Derpy had waken up from her icky cardboard box and had stepped out where she could see the beautiful sunlight. She trotted towards Dandelion Hospital and caught a glimpse of a strange pony walking into the the hospital. After the entry of the mysterious pony, Slieza had came out of the transparent, double doors to break the news to Derpy. He said with a depressed voice, "You saw that unicorn that just walked in, that's your replacement! She doesn't believe in the power of kitchen knives ,therefor I despise her! If we make a team, we can get your job back!'

Derpy had agreed with glee, and had asked "Oh yeah! How's my sister, Retarded?"

Slieza than answered Derpy's question with a "Yeah, turns out she had no brain in the first place, so all we had to do was just put the brain inside of her!" Slieza than formentioned with a "Besides that, I know how we can get your job back! I know some pony that is a malicious hacker! You know what I mean, he can give people virus's and hack them! His name is Joey STD, he hacks you with a knife full of his blood and gives you a virus!

Derpy than responded normally "Oh, I know that pony! He has a bad case of herpes on his hoof!" Derpy had than got back on topic "Well, I've got a better idea! Kidnap her than ship her to Phillydelphia

Doctor Slieza was startled to hear such an exciting idea and finally said "Alrighty! Ima chop her ass with a kitchen knife and when she's hurt ima put her in a medicine cabinet. Then later at night we can bring her and ship her to Phillydelphia!" Then suddenly, out of the shadows came a zebra. Her name was Zecora she had atleast stated, and had screamed in agonizing pain!

She had explained "I got duh supah aids from dah unicone in dere mon, her name is "Bobby" at least she thought you into tinking dat mon! Her real name izz duh wun and only "BITCH" which stands foe "Babe in Total Control of Herself. Pleass mon, don ask me how I got supah aids.. Izz kinda embarrassing mon! Not even my voodoo and shit couldn't make duh supah aids go away mon! I got another plan foe you peopoe, We are gonna ship her to Phillydelphia mon!"

Doctor Slieza than responded faster than lighting "That's a great idea, I have a whole jacket full of kitchen utensils I took from my wife after I killed her cheating ass.... *Cough* What! I meant that I have kitchen utensils that can be helpful! Doctor Slieza looked nervous after telling a very deep secret and look at the ground and stared deeply at a crack remembering his wives cheating ass...

Derpy with red growing on her face said in a furious tone "You stole my damn idea you bitch!"

Zecora grinned at Derpy than put into words "Thanks foe dah compliment yah ho! Yah mudda was a baitfish mon! Now quickly lets go back to my hut and discuss this with comfort" The trio than trotted through the city into the muddy forest where there hooves got filthier than Zecora's aids! They had finally made it back to the hut successfully and was greeted by a very complex map that was put down on a stump of a tree Zecora calls a "table" The three ponies gathered around the table and had glared strongly at the map. Zecora had responded fast with actions "Oh wait, this is my map for breaking into the "Mare and Colts Adult Superstore" oh buddy, and let me tell you they got some good stuff in there... Anywho, this is the real map. Zecora pulled out a piece of blank paper and started writing with a pen she made using Big Mac's semen as ink. She had stated that she could use her trippy voodoo shit and teleport Doctor Slieva into the hospital, right behind "BITCH" She then formentioned that doctor Slieza than would use one of the utensils for the pacification of "BITCH"

Slieza pulled out his trusty kitchen knife with blood on it and put into nervous words "Umm... I killed my cheating wife with this knife... Just incase you were wondering why I had blood on it... Umm.. I mean, I shanked a guy when he tried to steal my apple..!

Zecora looked into Derpy's weirdo eyes and explained "Den I gonna teleport Slieza and "BITCH" to me and Derpy! We is gonna put her in the crate we brought to dah hospital and load her in dere mon! Den aftah dat, we gonna ship her ass to Phillydelphia! Now lets go, cmon!"

The team rushed with the best ski masks Derpy had available. Slieza had been carrying the crate all the way through to journey to Dandelion Hospital. Zecora looked behind her and saw Doctor Slieza showing his muscles whilst carrying the crate, Zecora had moaned "Mmm! Datz hot mon!" Finally the team of insane ponies had made it to the hospital. They initiated their plan in order of the following:

Slieza and Derpy curtled the crate containing the passed out body of "BITCH" The trio ran for the life before hearing the police pursuing the area of the crime scene. Slieza started to shed tears and wailed "I'm to young to die!" (Even thoughs hes 58 years old!)
The swat team of ponies charged at the criminals.

One of the swat ponies through a tear gas grenade, Zecora, being the only brave pony charged a Kamehameha with her voodoo stuff.

Slieza had accidentally dropped the crate in fear of getting caught, to bad the crate was in the launch way of the Kamehameha! "BITCH" had than waken up from her forced slumber, she popped out of the crate and looked confused to see the almost concealed face of Zecora.

Zecora screamed a loud scream "Remember me?!" and finally blasted the Kamehameha in the path of "BITCH" and the swat ponies! A thick smoke had emerged from the aftermath of the powerful spell. Zecora was no where to be seen, and randomly, Slieza and Derpy spotted Sunny Glimmer walking home with a so frightened face.

Derpy waved at Sunny and said in a friendly tone "Wassup Tofu!"

Sunny minded her own business and secretly whispered to herself "My name is not tofu..!"

Aftermath:

Derpy finally got her job back after murdering "BITCH" and Doctor Jaflabaragastafagarusafamama masturbated in his tub of Benjamin Franklins! (Doctor Jaflabaragastafagarusafamama is a rich bastard..)