101 Heinous Crimes Perpetrated by King Sombra

by KingMoriarty

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Comedy, King Sombra, Starlight Glimmer, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 5599

A newly resurrected King Sombra is dragged into court to be punished for his many, many crimes.

The cultists thought they couldn't go wrong with a resurrection of King Sombra. They'd get a cool ruler, rad hallucinations, and he'd probably chain them up and whip them! It was the perfect plan...

Until the police showed up, hit the Dark Lord of Crystals with a paralysis spell, and dragged him off to court.

"All rise, Princess Celestia presiding..."

Inspired by the utter hilarity of naturalbornderpy's 101 Interesting Facts About Draconequi.

Published 2016-05-12 03:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-12 03:30:01 UTC

Within the Empire's Walls (26-50)

Raven set down her glass of water and began to rustle through her papers again, making sure that everything was in order. Now that she knew how long she could stand to read these before needing to rehydrate, it would be much easier to organize the charges into manageable chunks. A few quick calculations and shuffles later, she found an ideal arrangement, and nodded to the nearest guard to signal that she was ready.

In the time it took him to raise the official trumpet to his lips, the entire crowd had already seen the nod and fallen back into silence. Still, the Royal Guard were never keen to pass up an opportunity to actually earn their paychecks, so the guard took a great lungful of air and gave a might bellow on the trumpet. Raven managed to hold back a smile as Sombra took the full force of the trumpet to the side of his head, which left him stumbling in place for a few minutes.

Out of some misplaced courtesy for the defendant, Raven waited until the former king looked to be back in control of his thought process before continuing.

26. Forcefully disbanding the Crystal Council of Royal Advisors after they allegedly attempted a coup.

27. Cutting a major city off from the Equestrian rail system by means of murdering, selling into slavery, or being excessively rude to everypony who worked at the local rail terminal.

28. Converting the Equestrian Rail Vermilion Line into a channel for slave driving.

29. Buying up the hamlet of Empty Mountain (later known as Rainbow Falls) while acting under a false identity.

30. Perpetuating rumors that any ponies found in the Frozen North would be snatched up by Yakyakistani slave drivers while acting under a false identity.

31. Establishing taco stands that charged prices in great excess of what was deemed acceptable by Equestrian standards at the time while acting under a false identity.

32. Attempting to dissolve the Empty Mountain branch of the Crystal Pony Liberation Front without presenting a valid membership card.

33. Crystallization and scattering of the Empty Mountain branch of the Crystal Pony Liberation Front with clear murderous intent.

34. Selling unlicensed and functionally worthless "blood crystal jewelry" for the market price of snakeskin purses.

35. Selling jewelry in venues that had only obtained licenses to sell food or reasonable approximations thereof.

36. Perpetuating rumors that the Empty Mountain branch of the Crystal Pony Liberation Front was still in operation.

37. Setting up "undercover freedom fighters" within the Crystal Empire as a means of tricking prospective rebels into being sold as slaves.

38. Extensive experimentation with fear magic and its effects on the equine psyche, with no attempts made to restore test subjects to mental stability.

39. Demolishing apartment complexes without a permit.

40. Forcefully dissolving the Imperial Department of Housing with a very large hammer.

41. Using the illusion of luxury provided by owning a house (as opposed to an apartment) to promote complacency.

42. Dissolving a booming job market and thriving economy in favor of factories, sweatshops and construction companies with products and services that only provided direct benefits for the social elite.

43. Refusing to implement any system of worker safety guidelines or compensation for work-related inconveniences, injuries or death.

44. Claiming the contents of the Imperial Treasury as personal funds on a federal form.

45. Making an extensive number of unsafe and inconsiderate renovations to the Imperial Palace.

46. Treating the Imperial Palace as personal property.

47. Implementing a security system explicitly designed to mentally destroy intruders, with no contingencies in place for accidents.

48. Unsanctioned censorship of history textbooks.

49. Binding an enchantment designed to shift an entire empire into inaccessible temporal stasis to a dead horse switch.

50. Reckless endangerment of several hundred thousand innocent lives.

There was not a time in living memory when a riot had broken out in the throne room of Princess Celestia herself. Of course, that was mostly due to there not usually being a large enough crowd in the room for a riot to be feasible, but even so, riots in the presence of the princess were Not Something that Happened. Ponies who saw her as a goddess would rather die than risk her ire, and those who saw only a ruler would still be wary of the possibility of arrest.

Despite all of this, the throne room had devolved into barely-restrained pandemonium by the time Raven went for her next sip of water. The entire palace was probably echoing with cries for blood, and the clouds had transformed into barely-controlled thunderstorms. The barrier spells were creaking and warping beneath the hammering of the nation's hooves, and the pegasi were crashing down on the dome that protected Sombra in a scene that was oddly reminiscent of the Green Wedding.

Raven gave a deep sigh, and spared a glance to her monarch. The princess was somewhere between concern and trying not to laugh, with a hoof held to her mouth in a gesture that could be anything from offended shock to a stifled giggle. Even the Royal Guard, struggling against the press of bodies as they were, seemed to be taking it all in stride. All in all, the riot seemed to be under control. Raven was about to signal the guard to trumpet for order when she happened to meet the gaze of King Sombra.

The broken stallion was still standing there, swaying weakly just as he had when he arrived. He did not seem to be reacting to the riot in any way. The hundreds of ponies swearing their drawn-out and bloody vengeance did nothing to faze him, his ears not even flicking as insults were hurled from left and right. His attention was focused like a laser on one pony, and though the guards continued to correct every sway of his head with a violent yank of the chains, his glare did not waver.

Raven got the distinct impression that she was supposed to be withering under Sombra's glare. The hungry gleam of his corneas, the distilled hatred crackling in his sclera and the harsh incline of his eyebrows all came together to form a very solid image of somepony who would very gladly shatter the entire space-time continuum, simply so that he could spend as much time as possible tearing a pony apart piece by bloody piece.

All eyes were on Sombra. Nopony was sparing so much as a glance for Raven. In a sense, she was alone in a room with Sombra.

She pushed up her glasses and stuck out her tongue at the former tyrant.

Behind Doors Best Left Shut (51-75)

It took about half an hour for the guards to quell the riot. Attempts at magical restraint only increased the struggles, and detainment went out of the window as soon as Rarity sent all of the hoof-cuffs sailing over the horizon with an indignant spell. It wasn't until one of the guards confiscated a squeaky hammer that they discovered the perfect way to defuse the tension.

As it turned out, being hit in the face with a squeaky hammer had a tendency to induce giggling, and it was very hard for ponies to try and breach magical barriers to murder evil ponies when they kept falling over laughing. Raven pulled out a small notebook for a few brief seconds, scribbling down a memo to suggest squeaky hammers as standard equipment for riot police.

While the guards were busy neutralizing the populace, Celestia's guests of honor had been taking their seats beside her. On her far left sat Prince Rutherford of Yakyakistan, his bangs pulled back to bare his hate-filled eyes and his perpetual frown somehow deepened. To the princess's immediate left sat Gilda Grieftalons of the Griffons, her only ornamentations a simple green toga and a gauntlet made from the baby tooth of an Ursa Minor. The newly crowned Dragon Lord Ember lounged on the far right, the Bloodstone Scepter clutched firmly in her claws as she stared Sombra down, or at least glared in his general direction. And finally there was Luna, huddled to her sister's side and looking both frightened and furious.

Raven allowed herself a little smile, and adjusted her glasses before addressing the masses.

"When the defendant was most recently resurrected, the Equestrian court was approached by multiple parties, some private and some acting on behalf of national interests. Their reasons for this were a variety of class action lawsuits with the defendant as their target. Most of these charges deal with defamation of character, business practices not prohibited under Equestrian law at the time of the initial offense, and various other crimes that are altogether less severe than the majority of charges being presented here today. Rather than waste the funds of Equestria's various foreign allies on assorted legal fees, it has been decided that, insofar as it is possible, all cases against the defendant be treated as functionally one and the same at the present time."

She took another sip of water, less for her throat and more for effect. "With that being said, Sombra de Umbrum is hereby charged with the following crimes on behalf of the Yaks, Griffons, Dragons and the Royal House of Canterlot, in that order..."

51. Presenting incomplete scientific data as a conclusive thesis.

52. Lending money with the express intent to hinder rather than help.

53. Designing weapons of war that were not cost-effective, resource-efficient, or visually appealing.

54. Denying all of the above while drinking tea.

55. Obtaining the ingredients for butter without consent.

56. Seduction of a high-ranking government official with malicious intent.

57. Glorifying the actions of historical villains while exploiting cultural ignorance.

58. Exploiting financial prudence in order to encourage deplorable practices.

59. Deliberately plunging an entire people into an age of depravity disguised as prosperity.

60. Indirectly linking the livelihood of an entire species to a dead horse switch.

61. Dominating a food industry with substandard products sold at unreasonably low prices.

62. Encouraging the consumption of unhealthy meals.

63. Diluting dragon hoards with internal organs.

64. Selling a forgery of a Class Five magical artifact for the full market price.

65. Being criminally ignorant of gem quality and relative value.

Raven stopped and took a deep breath, not for the sake of a glass of water but to give the princesses time to give her the go-ahead. There were certain things that had happened that she knew might not be the best thing to let the press get their hooves on. She turned to face the princesses, and noticed that Luna now seemed to be cowering under her sister's wing, doing her best to muffle mild whimpers. A small nod from Celestia, and Raven proceeded.

66. Deliberate emotional manipulation of royalty.

67. Open exploitation of politicians-by-circumstance.

68. Multiple failures to keep appointments or provide reasonable excuses for continued absence.

69. Failing to provide reasonable excuses for declining to attend one's own royal wedding.

70. Callous and rude rejection of a royal decree.

The phrasing was important, Raven knew. If she had given any more details, or even said a few words out of place, she may as well have assassinated Celestia herself. In a press conference or private interview, it was the sort of thing that could be excused or fought. But if it were announced to the entire kingdom that a young Celestia had once been seduced by King Sombra, there would be no dawn for Equestria.

By comparison, the things Sombra had done to Luna seemed to be a mere trifle.

Raven looked up again, and balked at the sight of the tyrant. He had finally turned his hateful glare away from her, focusing instead on the Princess of the Night. The throne room seemed to have gone utterly silent save for the muffled noises that Luna was making as she buried her muzzle in Celestia's shoulder, trying without success to look away from Sombra. The worst part was that his eyes weren't even smoking with his dreaded dark magic; it was simply his gaze that was reducing an immortal alicorn to a blubbering mess.

"Perhaps we should skip over some of the charges," Raven began to say before the palace shook with the force of the Royal Canterlot Voice.

"I SHOULD THINK NOT."

"But your majesty," Raven turned to speak to Luna, whose eyes now glowed with righteous fury, "there is already more than enough against him to have him put to death. Some things are best left unsaid, and-"

"I KNOW BETTER THAN MOST WHAT MAY COME OF SECRECY AND LURKING IN SHADOWS. IF WE ARE TO HAVE JUSTICE, THEN THIS MONSTER SHALL BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR ALL OF HIS SINS. READ THE CHARGES."

Raven sighed, and did as she was told.

71. Unlicensed dreamwalking in non-consenting minds.

72. Incessant monitoring of thought processes during the Assembly of Nations.

73. Trespassing in a mare's private fantasies.

74. Thought manipulation of a non-consenting significant public figure while in full view of the populace.

75. Willfully inducing indecent physical performances in unconscious nobility.

There was no riot. There were a few embarrassed coughs, and all present seemed to be casting a sympathetic eye towards Luna. Somewhere in the background, a guard began to sharpen an axe.

Author's Note

The really surprising part about #55 is that Sombra didn't even know that Yak Regent Macaulay was a woman.

That Grand Old Thing Called War (76-98)

In theory, Raven understood the concept of wine. It was berry juice left to rot in a barrel deep underground, until it lost all of its original flavor and took on that of the barrel. Stupid ponies drank it so that they could pretend they were fancier than ponies who drank apple juice, and prattled on about its many musky flavors when they may as well have been drinking sewage.

Raven understood wine perfectly. The only thing she did not understand about wine was why the butler was offering her a glass of it. "I have water," she reminded him, pointing to the almost-empty glass for emphasis. The butler nodded, and nudged the glass of wine closer.

"Look, Starched Collar, it's only just gone past five. Were I the sort of mare to wine and dine, I would not do so until the day was well and truly over."

The aging stallion's face screwed up in sympathetic confusion. "But you've just had to read some very ghastly charges out to the entire kingdom..."

"Yes, and I'm not done yet, you old fool."

The butler's jaw flapped open in shock, and his eyes slowly bugged out. He turned around, and noticed that everypony who wasn't glaring at Sombra was staring at him. He turned back to face Raven, and took the wine glass back without a single word.

"Thank you." Raven finished off her water with a self-satisfied sip, and looked up at the expectant crowd with a proud glint in her eyes. "And now, mares and gentlestallions, if you'll bear with us a moment longer, we'll soon be done with the charges and be able to proceed on to the real meat of the trial. Now, Sombra de Umbrum, you are hereby charged with the following crimes, which you committed on or about the Tenth of November in the year of..."

"Objection!"

The sound of a voice screaming at her through a whirling torrent of time magic was a sound that Raven heard far too rarely in her life, and she hardly even minded when a crazy unicorn with a heliotrope coat and purple mane came flying out of the space between moments and into a perfect four-point landing at the foot of Celestia's throne.

"Starlight Glimmer?" Celestia did not sound particularly surprised, but she did sound rather upset. "Explain yourself."

To her credit, the former conqueror-aspirant of time and space itself did not flinch or show a hint of shame as she came under fire, instead reaching into her saddlebags with grim determination. "Your Majesty, I have come to report the most recent findings of the northern expeditions."

"Can't this wait until we've concluded the trial?"

"No, your majesty, it cannot." Glimmer produced a red and black unicorn horn from her bag, holding it aloft for all to see. "Tell me, princess, what is this?"

"By all appearances, that would seem to be the horn of Sombra."

Glimmer gestured to Sombra himself, who for the first time since arriving looked somewhat ill at ease. "And yet there he stands, his horn still firmly attached to his skull if the unichain is anything to go by."

"What are you suggesting?"

For the first time since she had appeared, Glimmer's confidence seemed to waver. "As some members of the jury may be aware, there was an... incident involving wanton abuse of time magic earlier this year. An incident which gave rise to a number of alternate timelines, in which Equestria had been plunged into various states of unrest and... collapse." She seemed to get over what was troubling her, and continued with renewed confidence. "As it turns out, the universe works according to multiverse theory. All of those alternate realities are still in existence, though they are not readily accessible."

"What does time magic have to do with Sombra?" Prince Rutherford demanded to know.

"In this particular case, quite a bit. You see, this is not the King Sombra that was shattered by the Crystal Heart on the Tenth of November. The stallion standing before you today is a version of Sombra that plunged Equestria into a long and bloody war, responsible for crimes far worse than any that you were about to accuse him of." Glimmer produced a scroll from her saddlebag, levitating it over to Raven. She unrolled it, and found a new, much longer list of remaining charges.

"And what evidence do you have that this is indeed the case?" Luna asked.

"Well, even if we ignore the fact that I'm currently holding the severed remains of our Sombra, and the fact that the Sombra of that alternate timeline disappeared at roughly the same time that the cultists enacted their ritual in this timeline, we can just ask him." Glimmer rounded on Sombra, whose skin was beginning to blister and put forth vile black smoke as his fury built up. "Well, Sombra? Which one are you? The subtle shadow, or the charging warrior?"

Raven fought down the urge to scoff. Everypony knew that Sombra had been incapable of complex speech after escaping from his banishment, driven halfway to gibbering madness by almost a thousand years of isolation. If he even still had his tongue inside that half-rotted skull, it would be a miracle.

"I remember you," he whispered, to a chorus of gasps. "I remember when we found your village. Those mark-robbed whelps barely even put up a fight, except for you." He suddenly lunged forward, straining against the chains until his face was pressed up against the barrier spell. "I remember turning you to crystal and eating your heart." He licked his lips as Glimmer backed away. "So unless you're a time-travelling zombie, congratulations, you figured me out."

The guards managed to pull him back, and Sombra tripped and fell to the floor. He looked up at Raven, his teeth bared and his skin flaking off. "Go on, then. Read them. Show them what I really am."

She looked to Celestia for answers. The princess merely gave a silent nod.

76. Failing to provide rehabilitation services for temporally displaced ponies.

77. Terrorizing a helpless neighborhood.

78. Returning to a position of power without due process.

79. Creating self-sustainable spells of a largely or entirely detrimental nature.

80. Designing a fear matrix proven to cause irreparable damage to the equine psyche.

81. Mass production of self-sustainable perception-altering magic.

82. Non-consensual recruitment of civilians into a standing army.

83. Non-consensual implementation of fear matrices on ponies with pre-existing mental conditions.

84. Use of psychomancy during wartime.

85. Failure to issue a formal declaration of war.

86. Use of geurilla tactics by a large army with a strong tactical advantage.

87. Desecration of national monuments, public property, private property and grasslands.

88. Cannibalism and the encouragement thereof in times of relative plenty.

89. Deliberate mass murder of civilians.

90. Mutilation with intent to humiliate.

91. Unimaginable torture.

92. Imaginable torture.

93. Perfidy.

94. Taking hostages despite having no intention to keep them alive long enough to receive ransom.

95. Declaring that no quarter would be given.

96. Brainwashing the enemy in order to recruit them to a cause they would not have rallied behind if possessed of their right minds.

97. Pillaging and other assorted unsavory activities.

98. Attempting to bait an alicorn into initiating Ragneighrak.

There was an undeniable tension to the atmosphere of the room. It felt as though everypony was poised to kill. Raven could taste the build-up as every unicorn prepared a spell, and her ears popped as the air pressure bobbed up and down. If she closed her eyes and tried not to listen to anything, she could just feel the floor vibrating.

She was glad they were almost done with the charges. If this went on much longer, she'd estimate that the justice system and Canterlot Castle would collapse as one.

The Last Three Really, Really Bad Things

Sombra had made it to his feet, and was looking rather ill at ease. The smoke kept billowing out and collapsing in around him, matching his heavy breathing. In one moment, he would be barely more than a skeleton wreathed in smog, and the next he would look just the same as he had all of those years ago. He couldn't have looked more like a demon if he tried.

It wasn't doing any favors for his life expectancy. There wasn't a creature alive in the throne room that wasn't champing at the bit to see him justly punished. The Dragon Lord and the Yak Prince were also being quite obvious about their urge to kill, although Gilda Grieftalons was at least trying to be subtle. The click of her gauntlet against her seat and the grinding of pony teeth were the only noises in the throne room for a good five seconds.

Raven did her best to defuse some of the tension by loudly shuffling some papers around. As she scanned through them, she found that there were barely any charges left to read. Glimmer's revelation had invalidated the last quarter of charges, leaving only three tiny little offenses to list off before they got to the sentencing. To her dismay, Raven noticed that they were decidedly anticlimactic charges. Princess Twilight was probably going to give her a lecture about not following the lessons from that lovely book about The Narrative of Organization again.

Well, there was nothing that could be done about it now. Best to just get it over with.

99. Failure to leave behind an enigmatic prophecy giving a rough indicator of when a period of temporal stasis would come to an end.

100. Deliberate under-performance in a climactic battle between the forces of good and evil.

101. Refusing to die properly on multiple occasions.

"That concludes the reading of the crimes with which Sombra de Umbrum is charged." Raven took a step back, and a final sip from her glass. The boring administration was out of the way, and now was the time for Princess Celestia to pass judgement.

"Sombra." The name was spoken with unrestrained hatred, a sound so unfamiliar to Celestia's subjects that many of them shrank away in instinctive terror. The unstable smoke-monster she was addressing was practically shimmering with fear, his breathing so rapid that he seemed to be exploding a hundred times a second. "How do you plead?"

Judging from the deafening chorus of shocked gasps, everypony had been expecting her to skip that step. Sombra looked more surprised than all of them. "Guilty, of course!"

"Really?" There was that cockiness, the confidence that Raven expected of an Elder Goddess. "I would have thought you, of all ponies, would be the first to claim mitigating circumstances."

Sombra laughed. "As if I could dodge even a single one of those claims. At least afford me the dignity of swift justice, you old bat."

"Very well. Sombra de Umbrum, for your crimes against the peoples of Equestria, Yakyakistan, Griffonstone and the Dragonlands, you are hereby sentenced to sudden, instant and even immediate death. Guards? Drop the barrier."

Loyal as ever, the guards dissolved their barrier spells, leaving Sombra utterly unguarded. Thunder rumbled, energy crackled and the floor split. Fire gathered in the jaws of the Dragon Lord, and Gilda readied her gauntlet.

"Fire at will."

Raven did the smart thing and teleported to safety.

Author's Note

That was fun. Probably not as fun as the story that inspired it, but fun regardless.

Before the Borders Closed (1-25)

The throne room of Celestia's palace was buzzing like a beehive. Nobles and commoners had gathered to hear the day's cases and petitions, spilling out of the courtroom itself and into the hallways. The great stained glass windows had been thrown open, and massive clouds laden with spectators floated just outside of the windows. It seemed as though all of Equestria had gathered for a single day of court.

To be more specific, and much to the embarrassment of all involved, they had only come to see one case. One case which, due to its grave importance, had been moved to the end of the programme to allow for undivided attention. A fact which had not been shared with the general public, as none short of a psychic could have predicted such a turnout. And while Pinkie Pie did have enough drinks for all present, Twilight Sparkle was adamant that over-preparation was not the same as clairvoyance.

In any case, it was a very long day, made longer since every humble petitioner had to present their case in front of the entire nation. The stuttering alone would probably fill ten hours back-to-back, to say nothing of the impromptu brawls. Most things worth bothering the princess over tended to be serious gray areas, and mob mentality is very good for making ponies exercise their right to free speech.

Twilight made a note to speak to Celestia about revising the Bill of Rights at her next opportunity. Discretely, of course.

The chatter died down rather suddenly when three guards entered the room. Everypony seemed to hold their collective breath as barrier spells went up around the throne room's red carpet, and only the lightning crackle of the barriers could be heard. Then the doors parted, and the court erupted into jeering and booing.

King Sombra looked surprisingly healthy for someone who was supposed to be dead. His body was so battered that it looked as though he had been wading through a war zone, a network of scars outlining some nasty bruises and one or two sizable dents in his chest. The right side of his face was almost devoid of flesh, torn away to reveal a skull that sparkled faintly under the bright lights. The royal armor and cape that everypony was used to picturing him with was missing, replaced by an abundance of chains and manacles. Every step that the toppled tyrant took caused the chains to rattle, and every movement of his head was met with the guards pulling him right back.

There were very few ponies alive that remembered the proper protocol for imprisoned unicorns. If pressed, your average citizen would probably mutter something about anti-magic precautions, and then excuse themselves before you could make them admit that they knew nothing. Only scholars and torture specialists would be able to tell you anything about Horavian Unichain cylinders, the humble metal tubes that could leave a unicorn utterly stripped of their magic. Sombra's head was hung low underneath the weight of one such cylinder, made worse by the chains that ran from the cylinder to the waiting hooves of several eager guards.

As the former king stumbled left and right under the weight of his abuse, a great many ponies fell silent. Their silence did not stem from any respect or pity for the monster before them, but from fear. The smoky green and red eyes of Sombra seemed to radiate hatred towards all living things, and every pony that met his gaze found themselves shivering with involuntary fear.

At long last, the King of All Monsters, Sovereign of Fear and former Crystal Emperor was brought before Princess Celestia, to face judgement for his crimes. The alicorn glared down at him, then looked up at the assembled citizens of Equestria.

"I do hereby call this trial of Sombra de Umbrum to order. Raven?" She turned to her secretary. "Read the charges."

Raven nodded, and levitated the first of a large stack of papers towards her. "Let the record show," she addressed the masses, "that a private committee was organized earlier today to vote on whether some charges should have been omitted from the reading for the sake of time. Now, while the final vote was that the charges should be read in their entirety, I have been asked to stress that this could take a while."

The princess gave a light chuckle. "They've all waited this long just to get here, Raven. Last I heard, nopony ever complains if the first act of a musical takes its time getting started."

Raven gave a polite smile, and turned her attention back to the forms. "Very well. Sombra, you are hereby charged with the following crimes..."

1. High treason.

2. The study and mastery of illegal dark magics, including but not necessarily limited to, umbramancy, crystallurgy and, according to admittedly tenuous accounts, necromancy.

3. Unlicensed travel to an alternate dimension.

4. Consorting with enemies of the state.

5. Theft of a Class Five magical artifact.

6. Failure to issue a formal challenge of honor when attempting to overthrow the local ruling power.

7. Crystallization and deliberate scattering of Princess Amore with clear murderous intent.

8. Ascending to the position of monarch without using the channels of due process, the will of the people or ritual beheading of the previous monarch after defeating them in an honorable duel.

9. Making fraudulent claims to being Princess Amore's legitimate successor.

10. Misrepresenting the Crystal Empire before the Assembly of Nations.

11. Organizing trade agreements that made war fiscally impossible for all members of the Assembly of Nations except for the Crystal Empire.

12. Implying that said trade agreements were the idea of the Equestrian central government while in private talks with the griffon king.

13. Holding private talks with the griffon king when the official Equestrian diplomatic relations at the time were strictly business.

14. Enforcing work conditions and salaries in clear violation of all worker safety protocols, both according to modern policies and the standards of the time.

15. Establishing a mandatory dress code that was both garish and restrictive.

16. Promoting an isolationist philosophy while the Crystal Empire was still a city-state strongly associated with Equestria.

17. Deporting all unicorns from the Crystal Empire, on the tenuous grounds that all of them were plotting against the state.

18. Supplying the Yak Regent Macaulay with a "lifetime supply of quills, and complementary red ink".

19. Extensive equine trafficking, to the point of officially listing slaves as the chief export of the Crystal Empire.

20. Directly admitting to having an economy built on morally dubious contraband, and doing nothing to change that.

21. Selling components of disemboweled crystal ponies internationally.

22. Establishing a dragon-exclusive chain of restaurants with a menu consisting entirely of "organic crystal".

23. Openly attempting to manipulate the Assembly of Nations towards goals that only directly benefited you.

24. Declaring the Crystal Empire's secession from Equestria without first consulting and/or gaining the private approval of the central Equestrian government.

25. Attempting to retroactively invoke diplomatic immunity.

Raven set down the paper. She looked up at the audience as though expecting applause, and there was a certain building tension in the air that suggested she might get it. Then she looked up to Celestia, whose eyes remained coolly fixed on Sombra. For his part, the tyrant swayed drunkenly in his spot, as though caught up in some lilting lullaby. His eyes, though, were still open, fixed on the secretary with what could only be described as a viciously encouraging glint. The assembled masses seemed afraid to even mutter, until one of the castle servants scurried forward with a glass of water for the secretary.

As she adjusted her glasses and took a quick sip, the rabble snapped from reverent silence to politely hushed chatter, everypony watching out the corner of their eye for when she started reading again.

In the brief few minutes before the trial resumed, gossip and speculation ran rampant like a buffalo stampede. Questions of sentencing, punishment and whether the judicial system of olden days should play a part were very popular, especially among the blacksmiths in the crowd, who were very busy handing out business cards.

Somewhere amid the chaos, Pinkie Pie turned to Twilight Sparkle and said, "you can just hear the bullet points, can't you?"

And Twilight looked down at her notebook full of hyphens, and had a mental breakdown.

Author's Note

Here's a fun drinking game; take a shot every time you spot a disturbing legal loophole!