How Adagio Got Her Groove Back

by Mr Jay115

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Equestria Girls, Crossover
Length: 3905

When Adagio fell in her slump of clinical depression, she didn't pick up the Clorox bleach. She picked up her Groove.

Long ago, in the days of unrest, there laid a beast. A Beast so fierce, it has leveled entire countries in her wake. Toppled kingdoms and slaughtered armies from all the lands. Her devastating wake left her legend burned into the hearts of men, cementing her immortal terror. This is her story.

Another blessing from the angelic Lesbane Adago Dizlle and her memories of old. Inspirational as always :pinkiesad2:

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-26 21:07:02 UTC

Die Again

A chilly wind swept past Flash Sentry's cobalt blue hair as he stumbled about in a dark forest. His ragged breath steamed in front of him as he continued to run for his life. He had been running for hours, not so much as even a break in between. But he knew, a dark force was always lurking, stalking him no matter how far, how fast, or how hard he ran.

But suddenly, an ice cream truck hit him. Even though he was in a dense forest, in the middle of the night, it was entirely his fault for getting in the truck's way. And thus he died.

Satisfied with her handiwork, the mute girl driving the vehicle pulled over and got out, slowly approaching the downed blue-haired pedestrian; each step carried a remarkable amount of sass, amplified by the swaying of her hips.

The girl was clad in a fashionable attire that would make even Rarity burn with envy. She approached the foolish boy whom dared to get in her way, watching smugly as the light slowly bled away from his eyes. His body was a mangled mess, there was no way he could stand as bones twisted in sickening angles - tearing through skin. Blood oozed profusely. Normally, Neopolitan liked playing with her victims until they begged for death, but she didn't possess the luxury of time today.

The girl held a furled stylish parasol in her hand, to anyone else it would seem to be a normal accessory, but only Neo knew of its real use. Her eyes flashed from pale pink and dark brown to glowing white as she brandished the concealed blade from the parasol.

Neopolitan's business was concluded in the marshy swamps. So much for gathering Intel on a student; sometimes the killer let her urges to cause death take hold, however it was very rare, though that did earn her the title of "psychopathic assassin".

A much older woman whom runs a well-established academy - Cinch her name was, or something hired her recently like that. Her mission was to infiltrate a rival school: Canderlot High, and find out who caused that ridiculous light show at the end games and deal with them. Judging from the footage, Neo would've mistaken it for a live action adaption of an anime.

The first session of recon ended in failure, she only just started her job and already a student died, though maybe he was part of the reason of the crazy events?  Cinch would have to take her word. Neo smirked at that.

Neo stalked her prey through the night unnoticed, this was suppose to be another recon mission to scout out the school and familiarise herself with the layout, but with no one about, who could possibly stop her? The girl rounded a corner leading to the back of the school and climbed a ladder leading up to the rooftops. Just what was she up to? Ah well, Neo could always make it look like a suicide.

Neo lurked in the shadows and watched the girl stare out into the distant town.

"Power…"

Neo cocked her head to the side; was she… Singing? Oh well, Neo thought, it's not the strangest thing that's ever happened. The memory of watching that blue-haired fellow be spit-roasted on redneck dick was immediately brought to mind. Never forget. Watching some chick sing on a roof wouldn't bring about some sudden, repressed PTSD like some Vietnam flashback—

As the girl continued to sing, Neo felt calm warmth, as if she was being neutered by the voice. And Neo hated every second of it.

Suddenly the random girl before her was set on fire, but she was okay? She started to float off the ground. A pair of red and gold feathery wings sprouted from her back as her song finished; the sun rose soon after. Just how long had the killer been waiting? It didn't matter.

Neo licked her lips imagining herself ripping those soon to be bloody appendages from the girl's back, hearing her cries of mercy and the choking gurgle of blood once she cuts out those irritating vocal cords of hers.

The assassin crept closer, silently drawing her weapon once more - she was going to make that fantasy a reality.

"Sunset!" called a high-pitched voice.

This wasn't good; Neo couldn't risk being seen. The assassin retreated back. On the roof was a door. Open. This would do for an escape. Neo fled deeper into the passage.

"Huh? Oh, hey pinkie!"  Sunset Shimmer shouted back, the magical wings fading away into little specks of golden embers.

"What are you doing up there? Don't you know someone could sneak up behind you and push you off!"

"That's… A little specific, Pinkie…" Sunset mumbled, wondering if Pinkie wasn't planning something like that along with the entire school.

As the girls had their conversation, Neo cursed the pink arrival for dashing her plans of rightful murder. And what was with The Girl on Fire? No matter, Neo thought, her job was to just find out what caused the light show: a simple recon. But Neo was determined to have some fun before her job was complete. All she would need is to have patience. Having the plan to re-encounter the fiery girl later, Neo slipped away, deeper into the school.

Arriving to the base of the school, Neo silently cursed once again; the school was beginning to start, and people were aplenty. She would have to blend in to the crowd if she wanted to remain a mystery. So with a twirl of her parasol, Neo's attire once again changed: a Japanese schoolgirl uniform, complete with pure black stockings: the perfect disguise.

As soon as the bell signalling the start of class rang, a sea of sweaty teenagers going about their day consumed Neo. When the dust settled, Neo was a trampled mess on the tiled floor. The disguised assassin huffed in annoyance; she slowly picked herself up, dusting off any offending dirt on her person. Would it kill them for a little mannerism? No. But she would later, every single one of them. A little case of arson should do nicely-- "Pardon me," the heavily accented voice disturbed Neo's bloody train of thought, she turned only to have to look up at a tall, blonde teenager. "You're lookin' a little lost, friend. You new here?"

Neo nodded once.

"Heh, no need to be shy, name's Applejack, what's yours?" Silence followed.

"Okay… Y'know you remind me of a friend, her name's Fluttershy, you might see her around, she's got hair just as pink as yours, anyway if you're having trouble finding your way around, I can take you over to Principal Celestia if you haven't already got your timetable. That okay?"

Neo nodded again. Perfect, maybe this principal would have a map of the place - no recon needed. A cruel smile slithered its way onto the killer's lips as she followed this gullible little lamp.

Silence—or as close you could get to silence in a highway of chattering adolescent—soon accompanied them as they slowly made their way to the office. "So… where you come from?" questioned the Texan. Oh bollocks, small talk, Neo thought: her one weakness. While she would have loved to slam her boot deep in the blonde girls throat so she could continue in peace, immediate animosity would've blow her cover faster than she could kill everyone. Besides, she had a little thing for blondes.

Seeing a random nature brochure in some guy’s hand, Neo quickly snatched it and showed it to Applejack. "So you come from… Syria? Huh, didn't peck you for the Middle Eastern type. N-not that there's anything wrong with them Middle Easterns! Muslims are fine in my book, yeah!" The stereotypical redneck girl quickly stammered over her words. "I don't need no wall in my country, no siree."

At least twenty or so apologies and ramblings later from the cowgirl, they arrived outside the Principal's office. "Uh just gimme a sec," Applejack knocked on the sturdy wooden door leading into the office. After a "come in" Apples entered the spacious room.

"Principal Celestia, I found a new girl wandering around school, she's lost and I don't think she speaks much English… She's from Syria." The Texan nervously whispered the last part.

"Oh?" The principal put down the stack of important documents she was skimming through, "Well thank you for bringing her to me, send her in, I'm sure she'll fit right in here at Canterlot High."

Applejack exited the room and returned with Neo.

"Welcome miss…?" silence yet again. "Hm… I am Principal Celestia, I'm sure you must be nervous transferring to a new school… A new country."

Neo didn't answer; she was waiting for that damn schedule. Honestly, what is with the people here and talking way too much?

"Applejack, you and your friends tend to befriend everyone, correct?"

"That's right ma'am, but I don't think that's--"

Applejack was cut off. "Why don't you stay close to Applejack here? I'm sure you two will be good friends in the future--"

"But Principal--"

"Oh that's right…" Celestia handed Neo her timetable, "now you're all set for school.  Have a pleasant day."

Neo scanned the timetable, her building anger subsiding as she read it. She easily formulated her potential time zones to work. Now if only I could get a map of this, Neo thought. Well best two out of three.

"Now hurry along; you don't want your first day to be a tardy, do you?" Principal Celesto giggled. It somewhat confused and aggravated Neo just how easy going everyone was being at the school; surely it would be insane to immediately think the new girl was a professional assassin, but at least a simple background check would be in order. And how the hell was she to know what her classes were? Could she just go to any random class all willy-nilly? How the hell did such an idiotic woman run such a place? Maybe it was the fact they thought she was Syrian? If so, Neo was going to exploit their political correctness to the extreme.

"Now follow me, I'm gonna show you to my friends," Trump Supporter said. Neo visibly cringed at the thought of meeting more people like her. "What's wrong? Oh, you must be a little scared of meeting new people, what with your… particular background. But I swear, we do not judge people based on their ethnics and such."

Neo cringed harder.

"Now come on. I think they're in the band room right now."

"Again! That was awful you guys! If it wasn't for me holding this group together, we'd be finished!" Barked Rainbow.

"Well excuse me, I thought this was a band, you know? That thing which is all about teamwork? I refuse to keep playing with someone as egotistical and selfish as you, miss Dash!"

"Well look who's talking, you dirty little hypocrite!"

"Guys…" began a frail sounding teen, "how about we all calm down and--"

"SHUT UP, FLUTTERSHY!" the two girls screamed at the poor, shy girl.

"Hey! Leave Shy alone!" Sunset embraced the pink-haired animal lover, letting her cry onto her shoulder. "Now look what you've done, you made Fluttershy cry. This is stupid, why can't you two just kiss and make up already?"

"YEAH OTP!!!" howled the pink party animal.

Before the two could retort, Apples entered along with the transfer student, "uh girls… I'd like you to meet uh… Well she doesn't have a name and she doesn't speak English… She's Syrian.

A silence filled the room.

"Well she's cute," said the egotistical athlete, breaking the uncomfortable quietness.

Neo shot her a smirk with all its sassy glory.

"Heh, I think she likes you Dash," stated Sunset with a Fluttershy still clinging to her.

"Really now?" Rainbow began to approach the 'transfer student', her eyes filled with malicious intent; a look Neo steadily return. "So squirt, have you ever wanted to… taste the rainbow~"

A thick silence returned.

"…Rainbow, that was the worst pun I have ever heard in my entire life," said Sunset.

"I think you gave me terminal depression," Pink Puss said.

"That was… really bad," Fluttershy added, knocked out of her depressed state from the sheer cringe of the pun.

"This is the reason her people bomb us, Dash… no offense," Apples included.

Neo, while maintaining her stoic expression, was on the verge of collapsing: her minge was as humid and slimy as a rain forest in South America. How could she have known I had the biggest fetish for puns? Neo thought.

Rarity growled, "She's mine! Her swag is just too strong! It's drawing me in like a moth to flame…" Rarity concluded albeit slightly mesmerised.

"You wot? You wanna go? I'll fucking burn you, mate!"

"One v. one me on rust, little Miss forbidden love."

Suddenly, Rainbow pulled out a knife and stabbed Rarity in the boobs.

Rarity slumped to the floor, slowly bleeding out; the girls screamed and panicked.

Immediately Sunbitch became a girl on fire, reminiscent of a certain blonde brawler.

With her friendship magic of friendship, Rarity was healed to full health.

"Dash you… You stabbed me!"

"Ha! I win!"

At least Neo knew that these girls were responsible. Now was time to off them one by one, though seeing as Sunfag could pull some magical bullshit like that, Neo had to get them in a secluded area then kill them so there'd be no interferences.

"You guys are the worst… Besides, I can tell she likes me the most," the cowgirl could sense Neo's lust for blondes but dare not say anything lest she might irk the little Syrian's wrath and cause a second 9/11.

"Can we name her? Can we! Pleaaaaase?!" begged P!nkie.

"I like her hair… How about Chocolate Swirl?" Flut said, staring at the new tits of Rarity, sorely missing the ones she had implanted last week.

"Wow, you're so creative, Fluttershy. We're so glad to have you as a friend," Sarcasm Dash said, her voice dripping with rainbow. "How about Homochromia Iridium, cause of her eyes?"

"It's Heterochromia, Dash," replied Deus Ex Shimmer.

"I'm gay, though."

"Whatever. How about… well, she has an umbrella… Molly Pippins?" Neo felt a rising sense of indignation in her stomach, and overflowing heat from her crotch from all the puns.

"That's stupid. You're stupid, Sunset." Pinko said, causing Sunset to turn royally emo and kill herself. Well that made Neo's job easier. "Let's call her Diabetes! CAUSE SHE'S SO SWEET AND WILL KILL US SLOWLY!"

"I say we call her Aadil Aahil Aazim Abdul Ahad Aziz Ansari Mohammed," Racist Jack inquired.

Just then, a knock rang from the door.

The door creaked open, "Well, well, well. What have we here?" chimed the sultry voice of none other than Adagio Dazzle herself. She and her lackeys stepped into the room—the door slamming shut behind them.

"I see you girls ended Sunset Shimmer—can't say I blame you really, she was an unlikeable little bitch. Why I still remember the rumours that flew around about her…" The dazzling kicked the side of the already dead girl's head. "Such a shame to see her go," she let out an evil laugh; Aria and Sonata laughed too, but then stopped after a simple gesture from their boss.

"So who's this? The girl you're going to replace Shimmer with?"

"Back off, Adagio! Hetero is ours!"

"Calm down, Dasher, I swear you're acting like a mutt in heat. Well, there really is no difference between the two~"

Who was she? Neo watched the interaction between the girls. This "Adagio" thinks she can out sass Neo? Oh she is certainly going up on the Hit List, the killer thought.

"Get out of here, Afagio, we don't want no trouble…"

"Girls, girls, please. I assure you I am not causing any harm of any sorts, Sunset was the one who killed herself after all…"

"Wait how did you know—"

"Shhh, don't judge, I know all," quickly replied the fish leader.

While her noble leader was busy sexually, mentally, and spiritually harassing the horse group, Aria turned to the assassin. "Heh, nice hair. What's your name, Banana Split?"

"TSUNDARIA, DIDN'T I SAY YOU CAN ONLY SPEAK WHEN I TELL YOU TO!" thundered Adagio, her notched whip immediately brandished.

"I-I am not a tsundere! You baka!" screeched back Aria-na Grande.

Heh, I'm a yandere, Neo thought as she stabbed the blue fish girl in the face, tits, and anus.

"BITCH, DON'T TALK BACK—oh Sonata's dead," Afaggot kicked Sonata's corpse to make sure. "Well good news, Muslim, a spot just opened up"—Adagio roughly pulled Neo towards her, holding her by the waist—"Mmm, I love a girl in uniform. What do you say? I promise I'll only whip you when you're naughty… and on Tuesdays~"

Well she was blonde… Neo thought about the idea, but it didn't really appeal to a girl like herself. If Adagio wanted her, then Adagio was going to have be her pet… Still there was something intriguing about this girl… Was it the spikes? Neo did like spikes…

Rainboob threw her hunting knife across the room, hitting Aria in her right eye.

"T-that didn't hurt! B-Baka!" Aria blushed a deep red before turning around and crossing her arms, only to accidentally make herself cuter especially with the blood pouring out her wound—Neo came a little. She loved seeing others bleed and/or in pain. It was a secret turn on.

"Aria…" Adagio glared at the purple minion, who seemed to crumble under Adagio's piercing gaze.

The emo siren practically pissed her panties whenever Adagio gave her that, "I'm going to rape your skull and then feed you to a hungry lesbian crocodile" look.

Aria remained Quiet and then became an excellent sniper, 360 no scoping Fluttershit across the room.

"…" Neo's job was becoming easier and easier; maybe she would reconsider Adagio's offer…

But what was so significant about Tuesdays?

"STAND DOWN!" barked Fish Boss, only for Quaria to ignore her, and continue to 360 no scoping a brick tank with a stapler. "That fucking... Whatever"--she returns her two eyed gaze to the ice creamy girl--"I know what you're thinking; 'what's so significant about Tuesdays? What is the answer to life? Why is that poofy, spiky, shiny epitome of sexiness named Adagio so gawddamn sexy? I don't even like fish!'"

Neo would have been lying if she said she wasn't thinking about the last one. "Well, the answers are simple: Tuesdays killed my father; I'm the answer; that's called being Dagiosexual, and everyone Dagiosexual."

"Well, I'm not Dogosexual, or what ever you may call it," Rarity scoffed, her posh tsundereness violently kicking Ariet's ass. "In fact, I don't even like women in that way. Why, it's even forbidden, too!"

Adagio slipped a nipple towards Rarity's general direction.

"... Fuck." From that point on, Rarity couldn't have be sexually stimulated without the thought of Adagio in her mind. Such is the fate of all who fall victim to Dagiosexuality.

During the whole ordeal, Aria dyed her hair brown and then equipped the best damn eyepatch ever. "Looks like I'm the Big Boss now, Afagio." Aria said Gruffly.

Neo wasn't amused. How could that purple idiot forget the most important feature?

In a heartbeat, the exceptionally skilled hitman shattered into a million pieces within Adagio's grasp.

"What...?"

"Think that's ah Syrian thing?" Asked not-so-racist Jack.

Aria screamed like a little bitch once her right arm was roughly severed from the elbow.

Now she's the boss, smirked Neo-- wait. That's Yang who had her right arm cut off. Fuck. The killer then proceeded to hack off Aria's other arm, ignoring every ear-splitting scream. "_Perfect_" Neo was very pleased with her work.

Neo daintily faced the girls, twirling her unfurled parasol in hand.

"YOU IDIOT! DONT YOU SEE?! THAT'S FORBIDDEN LUCK!" Screamed a horrified Pinkie.

Suddenly Sunset Christ was resurrected from the grave with all her holiness. "You will atone for your sins--" once again, everyone ignored the useless hero and failure of a villain that was Sunshite Shitter.

Neo and Anaanio were playing a game of thrones (they literally would just try to sit on a comfy seat only for the other to shove them off. Neo just settled on sitting on Afagio's lap... That fat bitch.) meanwhile Rarity and Dash were checking their Facebook only to find a grizzly image of Flash's remains. They liked.

P¡nkout_xx69LOL: Wish I was there lololol! xD XD

SkittleMeThis92: Why dos sex ekists if they be no :3 ??

@BringingEleganceBack22: Oh my, I didn't know men were so... Flexible +69 likes

IMABOOK_NIGGA: My human waifu, nooooo! Status Update: it's complicated

Dazzle_Til_Dead78: I'm about to do the same to some Syrian chick I picked up~

"..." Neo took a glanced behind; Adagio was on her phone.

Neo stopped using Facebook, since.

"Don't worry, you won't even know that you fell when you're under my spell~" Adagio winked at Neo.

Neo fumed harder than the fume knight, just when the kids next door started to play some awesome rock music. _"Come at me, you think that you'll break me? Girl, the female equivalent to One Punch Man couldn't fuck with me._" Neo then burned hotter than an ice cream in the middle of July... Which really wasn't that hot if you think about it.

"JUST KISS HER YOU FOOL!" An impatient Pinkie Pyrrha interrupted again, somehow able to read the non-existent audience's mind.

Neo flipped backward, twisting her body around Afagi and flinging her into the celling like a rag doll.

"...eh close enough," said the rainbow as she started to record so she could later post it and get infinite likes.

Afagi then quickly recovered going all Satan fish with the glowing red eyes and wings and stuff, "oh so you wanna have a battle now?," Anaan proceeded to equip a pair of aviators, "Then let's battle."

A Blake Belladonna  equipped with gold chains, a joint and shades then smashed through the brick wall and started rapping. "Hotter than a sun, feel my fire! Pyromaniac, my desire-- Ariaet headshoted that chocolate negro from afar with her trusty shotgun using only her tongue and left eye. She made sniper wolf look like shit. Fight me.

"Blake? Blake?! BLAAAAAAKE!" Called a really Yangsty Yang from her iDrod.

FISSION MAILED

"Wait…!" Arishit exclaimation pointed. On closer inspection, Blake Belladonna was revealed to be Bomb Belladonna.

"I KNEW THEM DAMN MUSSIES WERE GONNA 9/11 US AGAIN!" screamed Was-completely-right Jack.

But before anyone could escape, the bomb went of; the blast was so big it gave Michael Bay and Bin Laden a watery erection. Everyone was dead to death. Except for Anaanio, who had used the gaping vaginal crevasse of Fluttershy as shelter? Everyone knew she was a gaping slut. Crawling out the minge fallout bunker, Adagio took off the tacky blue suit—it did fit her nicely, though. Looking around, she was confronted by Neo Poppins, her kawaii-desu school girl outfit in pristine condition.

"W-wha—"

Adagio was interrupted, "You thought you were the only survivor," announced Neo, her voice so deep and masculine Adagio grew a dick. "… But it was me! NEO!" Then Adagio exploded.

With her job done—or maybe not, but who the fuck cares what the real job was—Neo summoned her mystical ice cream truck of dank memes, and flew away in the horizon.

The End.