Snips 'n Snails

by Rectal_Ranger

Rating: mature
Tags: Dark
Length: 2749

Snips n' Snails steal a crossbow.

On a fine Summer day, the two colts known as Snips n' Snails play with a brand-new spankin' crossbow from Canterlot. Nothing can go wrong, of course. Let's just hope Twilight doesn't find it!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-26 11:31:00 UTC

Weapon

That purple-eyed, smiling scan of their class on that day a week ago still lingered upon his fur. That way that Twilight dragged her perfect-tooth grin over the class. That way she singled Snails out, of all the ponies, for that little portion of the tour of Celestia's palace.

"You like it?" Twilight queried, hushed, smiling, on a little 'high-note' as always. How she could put a positive spin on the subject matter was a mystery to Snails. How could that unicorn observe something like a crossbow and think 'Neat!'?

"Uh.. Yeah, it's... cool, I guess. I liked t-the- demonstration you did, y'know?" he stammered back, allowing himself a fleeting glimpse at the unicorn, letting his eyes wander from the haven of the weapon's metallic length. Ugh. She was staring at him with that smile. She was close to him, towering over him. The warmth of her body, nay, the warmth of her breath, overwhelmed the colt.

Her muzzle hovered over him ever so slightly. That curious little peering motion, that feigned interest in the weapon Celestia had likely forced her test for the students earlier that day. Twilight didn't want to. She didn't like it. She was pretending. A mare like her wouldn't like crossbows. But she smiled anyway.

What would she say if Snails were to stab his head upwards? Send his horn on a quick little voyage into the flesh of her neck. Would she still be smiling? Giggling out a "H-hehe, hey, cut it out!". Would she even be able to speak at all?

"Hehe, thanks Snips. Maybe in a few years, Princess Celestia will release them for the public! You could have a turn, hm?"

She was still staring. Smiling. Why...?

"Uh.. Hehe, yeah, maybe," he chuckled back, eyes wandering astray in another glimpse her way, locking with her own gaze for a split moment. His attention fell to her lips. What if he kissed her? What would she say? "I-it's uh.. Snails, by the way. Not snips. That's my friend," added the colt, throat tightening as his gaze returned to its refuge on the display case before them. His smile began to dim, fade.

"Oh... Woops. Silly me. Heh, sorry 'bout that Snails..." stuttered back the unicorn, chuckles perched between her words, still smiling, still smiling. "I'd make a bad teacher, huh? Forgetting all your names like that. I called Diamond Tiara her friend's name, too. She wasn't too happy!"

She let her gaze wander to the side, off towards the rest of the 'display room'. Thankfully completely turning her velvet purple form away from the colt. Freedom from that fake gaze.

Diamond Tiara and Silverspoon were picking on Evening again. Applebloom and her friends were crowded around a suit of armor on display. Cheerilee was chatting with the other tour guide, a no-name far less interesting than Twilight Sparkle. Celestia was really capitalizing on her 'local fame' now, forcing her favorite student to take schoolfillies on tours around the castle. It must be embarrassing.

Snails' felt those familiar creeping, tingling waves of fear rising and falling underneath his fur, radiating from that spot in his chest. Almost strong enough to make him react. They subsided however, attention drifting from those feelings, following his gaze as it fell upon Twilight's body.

What would she say if he mounted her? He was far off from getting a.. stiffy... but it wouldn't take long if he ignored the stares and her protests. Would she even protest? Was she a... 'slut'? That weird word Diamond Tiara called Sweetie Belle sometimes?

Snails' gaze found itself slipping through the strands of her tail. Locking onto that darkened line every mare had. What if he touched it? Just a little pinch, a little prod with his magic? Would he get in trouble?

No, he wouldn't. He didn't want to wear himself out. He was already holding down a spell of his own. That protection spell underneath what felt like a mountain of flames that Twilight had put in place to guard the weapon. It felt so wrong that such a meager, pathetic little spell of his own could be 'lifted' up and send all that work, all that power, sliding aside. Leaving the weapon unprotected.

Unveil

Snips found his vigor reduced to a panting mess by the time the pair had reached that familiar slump in the rolling hills. The colt's little hideaway from the town. Neither could see a sign of life beyond the wall-like slopes around them- as no one from outside could see them, either.

Fumbling for his breath, outstretched, lying limp in the grass, Snips let himself get his bearings. Snails was already reaching into his saddlebag, so clunky-looking and stuffed... What was in there? Something fragile, worth protecting. Snails hadn't half-galloped half-fell down the hill as he usually had, snickering the whole way down. He had retained that grin the whole way there, though.

"So.. What is it? Whatchya got?" huffed Snips from where he laid, only now beginning to reach back up from where he had collapsed. Under the warmth of the sun, something glistened, shone, within that bag of Snails'. Something shiny.

That familiar, yet secret little smirk spread across Snails' lips. One reserved for those 'supply runs' Trixie had sent them on.  Sneaking into the store, whisking up one or two cupcakes or ingredients, part of that game Trixie and the store owners played together. Snips had to admit, it was fun, but Snails liked it even more. That was where the smirk came from. 'Supply-run Snails', hehe.

Trixie must have liked Snails more. He would often empty out the cash register and hide its contents among the shelves, in a messy little clump. Trixie must have told him to do that. Some inside-joke between her and the store owners. Between her and Snails. Snickering Snips playing pranks on Sugarcube Corner and poor Bon Bon, as always...

A snicker cracked through Snails' grin as he hefted the mystery object out onto the grass. A swift little plop with his magic. He was getting better at it.

On the soft lashes of green slathering the hills was the crossbow. A polished, murky wooden hilt, smooth to the touch, but mostly for show. Snips could tell it wasn't for 'physical' use. Unicorns used it. If earth ponies and pegasi were to use it, there would be those mouthguard things on it, like spears and swords had.

The white of the sun ran along the smooth, seemingly perfect arches and curves of the weapon's iron. All centered around that little shaft on the middle, where the... 'Balt'? Bult? Bolt? The bolt, yes, the bolt.. where the bolt rested.

Snips flinched, that little squeaky gasp of his escaping him. Woops.

"Oh c'mon, it's not even loaded!" Snails exclaimed between chuckles, those brown eyes of his following Snips' terrified form. Those bolts Twilight had launched nearly broke the little red-and-white target she had shot at. The way the little hornet-like piece of metal hit the timber, sending splintering little canyons cracking across its surface. He didn't want to imagine what that would do to a pony, especially a foal.

"I-I.. I was just... I was just surprised, that's all.." he stammered back from where he sat perched up the hill, ever-so-slightly, giving him a bit of high ground on his friend. Snails said he did that a lot. Stand back from ponies. Stand higher than them. It was okay though. Snails said he did it too, and he did. "How.. how did you get that? Twilight musta put like... a bajillion spells on that case!"

"Hehe, well... she did," chuckled Snails, nodding back, letting his grin wander away from his frightened form, letting the startled unicorn settle. "But I remember this thing Trixie taught me. Y'remember how she was researching all those.. ex.. ploits.. exploits, in Canterlot magic?"

"I.. I think... Yeah, yeah, I remember..."

"Well, I figured that because Twilight came from Canterlot, she'd be taught using that sorta magic. And she was! That weird shield spell thing... it worked. I didn't think it would, I thought... I thought Trixie would'a used it already and Twilight would've fixed it, but... it worked," murmured Snails, grinning throughout his explanation, running the tips of his gaze along the weapon before them. Transfixed by its 'i.. ronic.. ironic beauty' as Twilight said back on the tour. Whatever that meant.

Snails seemed to grow quiet, eyes slowing, coming to a halt on a bundle of bolts sat nestled in his saddlebag. "Yeah, I.. I remember some'a Trixie's spells. I know she... said not to read her books, but... I did. I remembered a bit."

"E-even.. her diary?" Snips uttered back, words coming to a whisper.

He nodded.

"I uh... I can't say anything, 'cause... she WAS our friend, but... I can teach you some of the spells. That's it," added his friend, unease entering his tone, now frail and uncertain. The pair lapsed into silence.

Snails' gaze locked with his. "Wanna try it out?"

"Uh.. what..?"

"The crossbow! C'mon! We can try it down at the gorge!"

Space

"Did.. did you hit it?"

Crickets hummed among the bushes, unseen, but heard as always. A reminder to the heat that had plagued them all week. The soundtrack to those grueling afternoon multipli... multipl.. multiplication lessons. Or was it division?

The entrance to the gorge, so flat, almost like it was constructed or made by design, felt oddly silent. The vegetation sprawling across the left wall, crickets and all, had been reduced to a still- continuing as always, but now nothing to Snails in the wake of the solid, warm 'thunk' that had echoed out from within the stone walls, perhaps sounding all the way down its length. A noise, a silence, a meaning of his creation.

His gaze winked, beginning to narrow- stuck in a half-furrow, the raking spread of realization pluming within Snails' chest.

"S-snails.."

Snips shook him. Curled his hoof around his, gave him a squeeze.

His gaze broke away from where the squirrel once stood, down to the green colt by his side.

"Snails, you.. you hit it."

"I did?"

"Yeah. You got it," Snips mumbled, giving his friend a slight, feeble little nod, finally pulling his hoof away. Their attention fell to that brown clump in the wispy, dead grass of the gorge- the squirrel's form clearly visible now, limp, still.

They were quiet.

Snails let the crossbow hang limp against his form- gradually, of course, not wanting to hurt himself again by letting it thud against his leg. He had learned not to do that the hard way. Twilight let it fall, though, hang loose around her form from the strap where it hung... did it hurt her? Who knows. It probably did. She was just hiding it as always.

With his magic free from the weight of the weapon, Snails' extended that familiar watery, golden trail of warmth towards the lump in the distance. He ignored Snips' stare, flabbergasted, but too afraid to interject.

He felt around its form, so small and warm. There was its tail... leg... eye... there, a depression. Going in... cold. Something cold. The bolt.

The bolt had embedded itself all the way through the creature's form- likely poking out on the other side. It was almost as big as the animal, if not bigger- dare he saw the squirrel was stabbed on it like a kebab, a feast for some griffon or diamond dog. Snails felt something warmth meet the tendril of magic's tip- watery, liquid, warm, alive- and he almost retracted it, fearing it was someone else's probing spell.

No, it was blood. Trailing down the cold grey of the bolt. Phew.

"S-snails..?"

"Egh.. hold on..."

His friend hesitated, taking a step back- but then he steeled himself. He was doing that more.

"Snails, what.. what are you doing?" mumbled Snips, tone stronger now, however still hushed- from a blade of grass to a twig.

"Taking the... bolt out..."

"W-why?"

"Why?" retorted Snails, something warm, something familiar flaring within his chest. "So, so- Fluttershy or whatever won't come out here and see her squirrel got shot! If they found a crossbow bolt, then Twilight would KNOW that someone from Ponyville stole the crossbow!"

"S-sorry! I was just.. I was just asking!" Snips refuted, stumbling back from Snails' side. A wary gaze now laid upon his orange fur. He could feel it. It annoyed him.

Snails felt blood drip and waver away from the bolt's length as he pulled it through the air, whisking it back towards the little pouch the twenty or so other bolts resided within. Why was Snips making a big deal of it now..? They'd retrieved every bolt they'd shot. Always. He knew better than to leave them out here. Especially at the gorge. Pegasi flew through there sometimes, especially Rainbow Dash- and if one of Twilight's friends saw what they were doing, that would be trouble.

Filled

"Okay... This is what m'ah cousin Braeburn taught'us. Putchya hooves 'round in a circle. Like this," instructed Apple Bloom, stumbling for a moment, only to regain her balance as she held out her hoof- almost in offering. The rest of the schoolfillies followed suite- Snips quickly joining in as Snails held out his hoof.

"Now... Ah'm gonna count t'twenty one. Whoever's hoof I land on when ah finish is tagged. Now if y'REALLY wanna be the first to get it, then y'all can curl it. Like this," she continued, now curling her hoof, craning it towards the ground. She trailed her orange eyes around the group, smiling as always- meeting Snips' for a moment. "That means y'get counted twice."

"Who would want THAT?" scoffed Diamond Tiara from where she sat beside the tree, glaring on at the proceedings before her- occasionally casting her fury upon the oblivious Silver Spoon, holding out her hoof with the rest of them. "If you put out two, you're obviously gonna get tagged first!"

"That's the point, Diamond Tiara," huffed the filly, casting a sharpened, darkening glare her way, that smile dimming from her lips. It wasn't the first time today.

Snips tried to jut in- mouth beginning to open, to back up Apple Bloom- but that unicorn with the.. slanty eyes jutted in. "Come on!"

Whisking her gaze back to her listeners, Apple continued. "If ya.. if ya REALLY wanna get tagged, poke ya tongue out. Like thiths," she instructed, tongue poking through her lips, maw now curved into a small little grin. It earned her a chuckle or two. Snips made sure to laugh.

Snips got tagged third- after the fluttering, smirking Scootaloo had claimed a bored unicorn reading a book near the schoolhouse and Sweetie Belle, whom had willingly surrendered herself to her friend.

He watched the orange pegasi scamper off, laughing along with her friend, purple mane blowing about her head as she ran. He could still feel her hoof on his side, where that imaginary tag had been placed.

They were laughing at him. He knew it. He ran out of breath faster than everyone else. He tripped over more often- and as much as he told himself it was because of those 'dumb pebbles' or 'stupid roots', he knew it was his legs. Stubby n' chubby.

Stubby and Chubby. Stubby and Chubby. Snips can't run 'cause he's Stubby n' Chubby.

Between pants, Snips managed to cast his gaze aside, trailing it off towards the fence in the distance. Silver Spoon was watching him, scampering along the fence, followed by Pip. A smirk had curved along her lips.

Flickering his eyes away, Snips looked back off towards the tree- he knew someone must have been hiding up there. Maybe if got a running start, threw himself up with magic, he could tag someone up there- by surprise, too. Or maybe he could sneak up there, pretend to not be tagged, and catch them by surprise. Hehe. Sneaky.

He had taken a sole step towards the tree when he heard the thud. Something grey had fallen from the tree, something pony-like- a filly. That one with the brown mane and tail, that one that wore a beanie- her name escaped him. She.. hit the ground hard.

"O-ow.." mumbled the mare, words croaked, her drifting, trembling gaze falling upon one of her legs. Lips pursing open, a quiet gawk Snips' sole response, the colt trailed his gaze up along the tree bark. It was Snails.