Author's Note
WARNING!!! This contains some potentially emotionally difficult content. Please be careful reading this...
Gary
What's it like to wake up dead? I wake up every morning and have to fight to find an excuse just to get out of bed. My life has been very hard, though others might say I've lived an easy life. As the youngest of four I had two older brothers and one older sister to look out for me and help me, my parents weren't exactly rich, but they had more than most. I didn't always get what I wanted though, sometimes they would tell me no, and that was okay; I didn't need everything. I think the hardest thing is knowing that my life is more use to others than to myself. I'm not motivated to do anything for me, I just make others happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Pinkie, there's no way I'd ever be that ecstatic over anything.
"Gaaaaarrryyyyyy!!! Wake up you sleepy head!" My sister shouted from outside, she was already on her way to work and wanted to make sure I didn't sleep the day away. She loves me, more than anypony else. Sure my brothers and my parents love me, there's no question, but if I were to disappear she would be the only one broken up about it.
"Nah, I was just gonna sleep the day away and waste my life!" I shout out my window, a teasing grin on my face but the truth of the words I just spoke stinging my heart. I had told her the truth, but lied at the same time.
"I guess Vinyl will just have to move her speakers herself then!" She had teased, knowing I found her attractive.
"I guess its inevitable then. Fine, I'll get out of bed!" Pushing the lie aside I got up and went straight for the shower. Ahhh, nice hot water running over my every existence. I force myself to pretend to enjoy the feeling, like nothing could be better. Sadly I've gotten all too good at that, fooling myself. Nopony really knows how I feel because I don't show anypony except me. Not even my sister knows anything, she who I've shared things with that siblings should not. There were secrets, and feelings, even firsts. Nopony knows, its our own little secret, we have a special day every month where the firsts slowly became seconds, and thirds, then we stopped counting. I think maybe once she picked up that I was lying to everypony, that I wasn't actually fine, but I know she didn't realize to what level I was not okay.
Well, the shower helped to wake me up. Off to Sugar Cube Corner to get food. I know, I know, Sugar Cube Corner for breakfast? I must be a fatty right? I don't weigh too much for how much I eat, I guess one could say I'm actually pretty fit. I'm having some trouble lying to myself this morning, maybe Pinkie can help cheer me up.
I wonder if Princess Luna knows what I really feel...
Oh, I guess I should tell you, though it doesn't matter really. My name isn't "Gary," it's Gentle Abyss. When someone decided to start calling me Gary I don't remember, or why for that matter. Just one of those things I guess.
Winona!? "What are you doing out here all on your own girl? Come here Winona." Where's Apple Jack? Winona... Don't lick my muzzle... That's gross.
"There ya' are! Winona, don't you go runnin' off like that again girl, you scared me half ta' death! Oh hey Sugar Cube, thanks for gettin' her safe for me." Apple Jack came trotting up and gave a gentle hip check as thanks.
"Oh, yeah, no problem Apple Jack." And with that she was gone. I was alone on my walk once again...
And there's Sugar Cube Corner. I wonder what Pinkie's up to. "Hey Mr. and Mrs. Cake, Pinkie in today?" With my luck she's not.
"Sorry Gary, haven't seen her the last coupla' days. Anything we can getcha?"
"Yeah, I just wanted a slice of carrot cake, I was gonna ask Pinkie to join me but I guess not today." I smile and chuckle, they smile back and chuckle with me. Neither of them know that I'm curling up inside of myself and trying not to cry. but my smile stays strong. I really wanted to see Pinkie, just because I know she can make me smile and laugh, something I need right now to fool myself that I'm okay.
The carrot cake tastes good at least, even through the salt of tears being held back.
I should head over to help Vinyl soon, it's getting close to the time we agreed to meet at her place. She's gotta move stuff from her place to the town hall last minute because some other equipment broke and hers stuff is the only one close by or something like that, at least that's what my sister told me, but she exaggerates everything.
Oh hey, its Twilight. "Hey Twilight!"
...
Or not... I guess she can't hear me when I'm shouting, although she did seem kind of busy... what's the use in even trying again... I'll just keep going on to Vinyl's place.
*knock knock*
"Hey Gary, mah' man! Just the stallion I was lookin' for!" Vinyl was wearing a very lewd outfit that fit way too well, and her glasses were off to reveal her gorgeous eyes.
"Hey Vinyl, what's up?" Walking inside my heart drops to the pit of my stomach. Why do I feel so down? I have a gorgeous unicorn in front of me, and all I can think about is how pathetic I am... What a piece of shit...
"I just need some help with setting up the new system. Its got DOUBLE the bass!" Her eyes are wide, and more beautiful than ever, her fur is smooth and perfect, her mane the usual sloppy mess, but none the less erotic... I'd like to be with her, but not right now... maybe when I didn't want to fucking die... Oh... Wait, that hasn't happened yet...
"Yeah sure, not a problem! Sooo, where's the new stuff at and where's it goin'? My sister said something about the town hall..." Forcing a smile in front of her kills me each time I do it, but I can't help but do it for her, so she doesn't pity me... I would hate for someone I care so much for to feel bad for me... Maybe that's my problem, I care too much about everypony that I don't want them to know whats wrong... What a dumbass...
"...You in there?" Why is she looking at me like something is wrong?...
"Yeah, yeah! I'm sorry, I spaced out a little, I guess I'm still kinda tired! Hehe..." Oh Celestia, she was talking while I was thinking how much of a dumbass I am. Wow I couldn't be worse!
"Oh no problem man! I was just saying the new stuff is in my room, It'll just get set up there so I can have some sweet wubs in bed!" Celestia have mercy, that ass is so fine... and WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT!... I just wanna curl up and cry right now, I can't even bring myself to enjoy sexual appeal... Well whatever, let's just get this stuff set up and head back home... Maybe I'll feel better by then...
"So this is the new stuff?" It looks pretty fancy, like high tech shit that I probably don't have a clue how to set up. Let's just hope its anything like the last system that came out... Would be so embarrassing if I couldn't figure it out...
"Yup! It hasn't even officially come out yet." She is so sexy with that sly look on her face, like she just did something she wasn't supposed to, but enjoyed it anyway, with no fucks given. "Honestly, I'm not even supposed to have it, let alone SHOW anypony else... I guess you could say this can be... our little secret..." She looks like she's about to eat me alive... And not in a bad way...
"Damn Vinyl, I guess I shouldn't even ask HOW you got your hooves on shit like this, I don't need to know how many ponies you blew!" Oh fuck me, I REALLY hope she gets that I'm joking when I say that... please don't let me have fucked this up... just like everything else I do... Shit, are my eyes starting to water? Fuck, deep breath... phew, she didn't notice... What a pathetic fucking pie-
"Oh don't worry, I didn't blow anypony." Oh thank fucking Celestia, she got that I was joking, that I wasn't being serious... "... yet..." Oh shit, she looks like she's a timid little filly... Is she... coming on to me? Sweet Celestia I'm so fucking stupid! Of course she is! But what if she isn't, I could be picking up a hint that isn't there...
"What did you have to pay for it in an I owe you? Lemme have the new shit before its out and I'll blow you later? Haha." Please don't actually answer that... what the fuck is wrong with me, I'm such a fucking loser... I can't do anything right... not even hit on the pony I like...
"Well, no... I paid for it in full with money... I think you might need a little help with what I'm saying, so let me show you..." Fuck my life she's walking over here... and she's here... uhhhhh... her hoof is on my cheek... uuuuhhhhhhhhhh... She's leaning in?... Fuck... Mmmm... Mmmmnnngh... She's... kissing me?... and her tongue... Mmmmnnnnhhhnnnn...
"Vinyl..." She's so fucking hot... but I still have this pit in my stomach... I am getting overwhelmed with emotions, as if I wasn't drowning in my own depression already...
"Gary... I don't really need any help setting this up, I could have done it on my own... and Octy didn't really have anything planned today, she was just going to stay home and practice, but I finally convinced her to go to the park with Pinkie Pie and Berry Punch... So I could be alone with you..." Oh Vinyl, on any other day I would fuck you so hard... But today... Today I am fighting a war on my own, and don't have time for luxuries, no matter how tempting...
"Vinyl, I-I'm sorry-" Words, words, words... What the FUCK do I say!?
"Oh... I-I see... I shouldn't have been so pushy..." Vinyl no! Pushy is fine! I just- I can't figure out how to tell you what's going on!
"Look, Vinyl, it isn't that I don't like you... I do, I REALLY do..." Celestia, I really do like her... Maybe even love... I don't know yet... "But right now, for me... its just not the best time... and- no, no, no, I'm not seeing somepony else or anything, its just... I can't really talk about it right now..." Fuck my life... Fuck me... I'm so fuckin pathetic... I just want to curl up into a little ball and die... I just blew off the hottest fucking mare in all Equestria because I can't handle myself...
"Gary... I think I get it... Just friends then... Wow, I never realized just how much that hurts; to be friendzoned like that..." NO! FUCK I'M SO FUCKING STUPID! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
"Vinyl, that's-"
"Gary, please... just go... I just need some time to sort though everything..."
"Vi-... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." What the fuck, I can't even tell her how I feel? All I can fucking say is 'I'm sorry'!? FUCK!! My eyes are hot, they're burning! I can't fucking breathe! I can't stop fucking shaking like the fucking PUSSY I AM! When did I even get to Sugar Cube Corner!? CELESTIA WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!? I'm fucking sitting here at the corner of the FUCKING road, BAWLING because I can't fucking keep my damn emotions in check! I NEED to get home now. Fuck work, FUCK everypony else! FUCK ME!
Finally, my FUCKING house! Unlock the FUCKING door! OPEN the damn thing, SHUT it, LOCK IT! I can't fucking TAKE THIS! Pen, paper...
'Dear everypony,
I am sorry to say that I must do this, but know that it is the only way I can stop hurting inside... I keep fucking everything up from cleaning the house for my sister, to being with Vinyl... There's nothing I would love more than to be able to tell all of you this face to face, but I'm just a weak fucking asshole who can't even give you that courtesy... I'm sorry... I love you all so much... More than anything...
My sister, I'm sorry I could never be the younger brother you loved so much... I couldn't help but hide who I really was, and what my problems were... I'm sorry I was more stubborn than you were as a child when it was your turn for a bath... Please, find it in your heart to move on... I'm so sorry, and I love you so much...
Vinyl... Vinyl I'm sorry for what happened today... I didn't mean to hurt you... I never wanted to hurt you, and you misunderstood what I meant... I didn't want to be just friends... I wanted to be more, much more... I think I was in love with you... But today, of all days... Today was not the day to let myself be caught up in your beauty... Today I was having a particularly hard time dealing with myself, that the rushing emotions of your declaration made me forget how to do anything but mumble and stutter, followed by plenty of crying... I never meant to hurt you, I never wanted to friendzone you... I loved you...
I'm so sorry...
Gentle (Gary) Abyss...'
Celestia, I really am worthless... I'm sorry I'm just a waste of space... I guess this is it then... I finally get some relief... Grab some fucking rope, what knot should I use? Well, anything that'll hold I guess... Not like, I'll be taking it off... Though, I guess I should make it easier for whoever finds me to be able to take it off... I'll just tie a slip knot then. This piece goes here, I twist this and that part goes through the loop. There, a basic slip knot. I'll just tie the other end to the chandelier in the living room... I need a ladder first. Do we even own a ladder? I don't think so... I know my sister has a rather tall nightstand, I'll just use that... Again, being the piece of shit I am... Well, This is it. All set up, ready to go.
3...
2...
1...
Ngh! It hurts my neck! But still not as badly as my insides are aching right now... I can handle this... my head..... I'm losing fooocus... Can't... fee-...
