Good help is hard to find
“And how would you distinguish yourself from the other ponies waiting for this very same interview, Writing Desk?” Celestia asked, levitating the teacup from atop her head and taking a graceful sip from her pleasantly warm drink.
A grey unicorn stallion with a conservatively styled black mane gawked at the princess. The poor unicorn could not figure out what to stare at, so his eyes darted from the teacup resting on the saucer atop Celestia’s head to the moustache to the smiley face adorning her cutie mark before returning again to the teacup.
“I-I am able t-to deal with difficult... and unconventional situations?” the unicorn stuttered as his eyes flicked from oddity to oddity.
“Thank you, that will be all,” Celestia replied with her warm motherly tone. “I am sure you will be a great asset in the private sector, but I do not feel you will be a good fit for this one. My secretary already has a list of potential employers you may wish to contact and we will gladly send a letter of recommendation to any you wish.”
Celestia gave a sad smile as the stallion trotted out of the private conference room. He fit all of her qualifications but one.
Her horn lit briefly to activate the signal that she was ready for the next applicant.
After a few seconds, a pegasus mare entered. The mare did a brief double-take at the state of the princess, then trotted in, giving a brief bow and smiling warmly as she stared Celestia in the eyes. The chestnut strands of her tail swayed loosely as she stepped confidently up to the princess.
“Good afternoon, Discerning Eye, we have already been through your qualifications and you would not be having this interview if you were not among the best of the best,” Celestia began, her graceful and gentle tone keeping it from sounding brusque or callous.
“Thank you, Your Highness,” the mare replied, brushing a few strands of her mane back as an excuse to glance briefly up to Celestia’s odd choice of headwear. “So, I assume this interview is to get a feel for me as a pony and see how well I can respond to events or personages that do not fit my preconceptions?”
Celestia gave a warm smile, but shook her head gently. “While those are two of my reasons, they are not the only, nor are they the most important.”
The moustache waved distractingly.
Discerning Eye pondered this for a few moments as Celestia patiently sipped her tea. Her eyes widened as she caught sight of Celestia’s cutie mark, but carefully kept her expression neutral. Her wings, admirably, stayed relaxed and still.
Celestia smirked ever so slightly as she noticed the shock and horror in the mare’s eyes. “Ah, it seems you have noticed the addition to my cutie mark. I have heard that adorning your cutie mark is the next big style.”
“I was not aware of this trend...” The mare’s voice trailed off into an uncomfortable silence.
Celestia shifted to better show the graffiti on her flank.
“It looks lovely,” the mare finally forced out, an almost convincing but overly toothy grin on her face. Drops of sweat formed on her brow as she continued. “Do you have any suggestions for my own?”
She shifted her own flank to show Celestia her mark of three quills. Through it all, she continued to keep her wings from giving a nervous flutter.
Celestia’s beatific smile faded ever so slightly. “I think yours looks wonderful as it is. Sadly, I think this interview has given me what I need to know. You will hear from my secretary either this evening or tomorrow morning.”
The mare, assuming her lack of control over her reactions cost her the position, gave a sad bow. “I understand, Your Majesty.”
Celestia frowned slightly and tried to reassure her. “Do not fret; you still have a chance at the position and I will have a full endorsement for you to give to any future employers, regardless.”
“Thank you, Your Majesty,” she replied with a look of tentative gratitude as she rose from her bow.
Celestia let out a quiet sigh as she watched the mare leave.
An elderly unicorn stallion stepped out from behind her throne. “Don’t lose heart, Tia. Even if she is the best choice, I think she could adapt.”
Celestia’s ears folded down in a rare show of overt worry. “Have I grown spoiled by you over the years, Written? There is only one more candidate and Discerning Eye was the only one who has shown any promise.”
“Seriously, Princess, you worry too much,” Written Script replied, emphasizing her title gently. “If you remember, it took me a few days before I could call you ‘Tia’ without my ears folding back in panic.”
Celestia gave him a sad smile. “I know it’s selfish to not want you to retire, but I’ll miss you greatly. Please visit me anytime.”
Written Script touched his forehoof to hers. “I can’t express how happy it makes me to hear that, Tia. I’ll try to take you up on that as often as possible, but it’s past time you finish these interviews. You are only prolonging your worry.”
Celestia nodded in agreement and Written Script let out a chuckle as the moustache bounced along with it. A bit of joy came back into Celestia’s eyes at the sight of her dear friend’s laughter.
She signaled for the final applicant and schooled herself back into complete regality.
A white earth pony mare trotted in and bowed, her mane and tail matching her name. “Thank you for this interview, Princess Celestia.”
Her eyes flicked rapidly from the teacup to the moustache before returning back to Celestia’s star bright eyes.
“Thank you for the warm greeting, Raven,” Celestia replied with genuine happiness.
Silence hung in the air for a few seconds as Raven waited patiently for Celestia to begin the interview.
After what felt like an eternity, Raven broke the silence. “Before we begin, may I ask if you are starting a new fashion trend?”
“Oh?” Celestia raised her eyes in mock surprise. “Why do you ask?”
Raven’s expression turned slightly playful. “Well, I do not remember you having a moustache before. I can only assume that that will be the next big fashion trend with how much we all look up to you.”
A shadow of weariness crept into Celestia’s countenance, but she kept her smile in place and shifted slightly to better show off her cutie mark. “How astute of you. What do you think of this new addition?”
Raven’s smile faltered as she tried to find an answer to this obvious trap. To buy time, she raised a hoof to her chin contemplatively.
“Well,” Raven began slowly. “I, myself, have little time to follow fashion. While I see the appeal of enhancing one’s cutie mark, I would be hesitant to alter something so integral to my sense of self.”
Celestia nodded, her moustache detracting from her regal poise.
Sensing that she had not flubbed that answer, she continued with a touch more confidence, assuming she was being tested on all the oddities. “As to that distinguished moustache, I would say that, while you are so impressive in both form and position that you could make anything look stylish, I doubt that many mares of my humble status could make it look anything but ridiculous.”
Raven finished the statement with a sad frown, careful to keep any mirth from her tone.
Celestia gave another nod. “Yes, I doubt even Fleur de Lis would be able to pull it off.”
Raven’s face stiffened as she swallowed a snort of laughter at that thought.
“And what of my teacup?” Celestia prompted almost immediately after, attempting to break Raven’s composure.
Raven’s lips turned down slightly at that. “Actually, Your Highness, That is the one that gives me pause.”
At Raven’s turn of mood, Celestia lifted her head inquiringly.
“You see...” Raven paused, feeling the danger of disapproving of a monarch’s idea. “While most mares of social standing would have little trouble with this, I cringe at the thought of an overeager filly trying this with a scalding cup of tea.”
Concern almost made it to Celestia’s face as that mental image played in her head. She put up a sound barrier between the two and turned to Written Script.
“Tia,” Written Script began before Celestia could say anything. “Why not see if she can handle you admitting a mistake?”
Celestia froze for a moment before smiling and dropping the barrier.
Raven’s ears swivelled forwards in interest.
Celestia’s eyes jumped to Raven for a half-second before returning to Written Script. “Please make sure I have several very public appearances where I keep my teacup on the table in the next few days.” Turning back to Raven, she let her face show genuine embarrassment. “Thank you for that. I would hate to be responsible for an impressionable filly getting burned.”
Written script was already filing the note as Celestia finished.
Raven, finding her worry to be completely groundless, gave a sheepish smile. “You are more than welcome, Princess Celestia.”
Celestia dropped all regality and took the teacup from her head, set it on the hoofrest of her throne, and dropped the moustache into it. Written Script chuckled and gave Raven a smile.
“You have passed my test with flying colors, Raven, but could you call me Tia?” Celestia asked before summoning a cloth and wiping the smiley face off her cutie mark.
“You want me to go from addressing you as Princess Celestia to a nickname like Tia?” Raven stated incredulously. “I don’t think I can make that sort of leap. May I just leave off ‘princess’ until I can actually wrap my head around being friends with the ruler of all Equestria?”
Written Script snorted. “I wish I was that bold when I started. For the first month, I nearly had a heart attack every time I had to say her name.”
Celestia’s ears pushed back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was that bad.”
“Pfth! Ancient history.” Written Script smirked at her. “Well, for me, anyway.”
“Well, as you must realize, you have the job. Please discuss with Written when and how soon you can take over.” Celestia turned to Written Script and stuck out her tongue. “But know that despite his remark about my age, he’s getting paid full salary through the end of the year.”
Raven giggled.
“Seriously, work it out amongst yourselves and Written can give you proof of hire so you can set up your payment from the Crown immediately.” Celestia frowned before continuing. “Now, if you’ll pardon me, an entire day of watching ponies pretend you aren’t acting ridiculous is extremely tiring.”
Author's Note
Thank you to all my prereaders, but especially Warpd.
Good criticism is hard to find.
