Mythic Rule 63

by Mythic

Rating: mature
Tags: Alternate Universe, Romance, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Big Macintosh, Slice of Life, Main 6, Cheerilee, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 23871

A series of rule 63 fics.

It's a comedy.

It's a drama.

Just like life.

Published 2013-02-21 00:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-11 03:59:33 UTC

AJ and Blitz

It was his fourth round.

Fifth?

Maybe sixth?

He couldn't remember, but he didn't plan on stopping anytime soon. It was just him and his best friend, Rainbow Blitz. Here in this place: a small bar in Ponyville (more of a tavern really; sawdust covered the floor and cigarette smoke rose to the ceiling).

It was new. What was it called?

The Tallyho Tavern?

He couldn't remember much right now, and he was trying to remember less and less as the night went on.

Blitz had much less than he had, over the course of the evening, but that didn't bother him any. It was pretty normal. Blitz had always been more a cheap beer and fruity mixers kind of guy (even if he would not admit to the latter).

Applejack liked beer, too, but only homebrew. He hated the cheap, shitty stuff they produced en masse at the Equestria breweries. He always guessed that was on account that he was redneck. Born and raised.

He always tried to do everything himself, with no help from nopony. That's how he did it. Hell, he would even make his own whiskey if it didn't have to age for so damned long to be drinkable. He could even make his own smokes, but not tonight.

He was smoking a pack of something he bought from a corner store, tonight.

And speaking of smokes, this one was about done for.

AJ crushed his cigarette out in an ashtray and knocked back what was left of his whiskey. The stout lowball glass hit the rough wooden surface of the table with resounding bang, and the cowboy held his head back. He took off his brown stetson hat and set it down next to his ashtray; his long blonde hair hung back over the chair, tied up at the end into a ponytail.

Rainbow Blitz was busy scoping the room for mares. He sighed in defeat and looked at his friend when the glass banged on the table. Blitz swished his beer around in its bottle. This was awkward. Sometimes, going out with AJ to these places was.

"What's up, AJ," he asked. His voice was deep and rough, forceful. Blitz had always liked it; it sounded distinct.

AJ didn't lean back up to look at him. He simply, said, in his country accent, "Nothing much, Blitz."

Blitz sighed. To be the element of honesty, AJ sure wasn't honest all the time. Or maybe he was just a stubborn bastard. Regardless, it was going to be a long night, he could feel.

He said, "No, really. What's up? You seem off, tonight."

AJ finally leaned up, sitting upright in his chair. He put his hat back on his head, leaning the brim over his eyes a little.

"Ain't nothing wrong. Just had a long day at work, is all," he said.

Bullshit as usual. Blitz shook his head and sighed. He said, "Really? So bucking apples today was worse than bucking apples yesterday?"

Applejack narrowed his eyes and frowned, looking at his friend. He tipped his hat down and leaned back in his chair, propping his hooves on the table.

"Asshole," he said.

Blitz huffed and rolled his eyes, saying, "Yeah. An asshole. That's me. Excuse me for caring, shitface."

Applejack lifted his hat over his eyes and said, to his friend, "Sorry, Rainbow. I'm just a might bit cranky, is all."

Rainbow Blitz shook his head; this guy. He finished his beer and put a hoof up into the air, signaling for the waitress to come back over. AJ would probably need a little more Buck Daniels before his lips were loose enough to talk about what was on his mind.

And Rainbow would need another beer to have the patience to listen to it all.

Blitz said, "C'mon, AJ. Tell me what's going on. I know you like to keep to yourself and not be bothered by anypony, but you seem really...I don't know. Pissy."

Applejack just sat in his chair. Wordless.

Rainbow slammed both of his hooves on the table and said, "Seriously, you're just going to sit in your chair and skulk? Just like that?"

Finally, after having enough harassment, AJ set his chair back down flat on the ground. Then, he lifted his hat up out of his face and set it square on his head.

Staring his friend straight in the eyes, he said seriously, "The Hell do you want, Rainbow Blitz?"

Blitz was flabbergasted. Dumbfounded. Was this guy serious?

"Are you deaf," he asked, "What do you mean, 'the Hell do I want?' I want to know what's bothering you..." Then, with a smile on his lips, he said, "...Jackass."

AJ froze for a moment, upon hearing the name. His eyes locked on his friend’s. Then, no matter how hard he tried to fight it, a small smile began to spread on his lips. He couldn't hide it.

Jackass. It was a nickname from when he was a colt in school.

He'd always liked the name. He'd always been a bit of a rabble-rouser in school (Hell, he hadn't the only one) and that had been the name that all the other boys had given him in class. They didn't say it in front of the teacher, of course, but whenever the teacher's back was turned...

Jackass. It was a great name, but no one called him that, anymore.

Rainbow Blitz smirked when he saw the smile he'd gotten out of his old friend. He knew that would do the trick. Their drinks came, and Rainbow eyeballed the waitress as she walked away, sliding AJ's glass across the table, to him. When he was done, Rainbow took a long swallow of his beer, banging the bottle on the table when he was done, emitting an audible smack with his lips.

Then he leaned forward and said, "No, really, AJ. What's wrong? You can tell me."

Applejack sighed heavily and rubbed his forehead with a hoof.

Then, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "I ain't sure, to be honest. I'm just cranky." His hat went back down over his eyes, and he leaned back in his chair again. "You know," he said, "Same ol' shit."

"Same old shit?" echoed his friend.

"Same ol' shit, Rainbow," said AJ, "You know. Every damned day, I wake up before the sun does, and I buck apples. I feed the hogs; I tend to the orchards, to the trees, to the damned everything."

He sighed heavily, scratching his head, and he said, "And I'm just tired of it, you know? Farm life...It's okay. I don't really love it. It's okay; I like it, enough. But I don't love it."

And with that, the cowboy went silent, leaning back in his chair. He tilted his head down and his stetson hat fell back over his eyes.

The air became heavy. Palpable. Something that could be felt.

Applejack absorbed the aire of the bar, taking it in with all his senses.

The crack of pool balls.

The smell of sawdust on the floor.

The haze of the cigarette smoke in the air.

The lights buzzing.

And yet Applejack just stared at his glass. The liquid in it was translucent and brown. It offered the only solace he knew, and he fell into it, lost in its sweet whisperings. Drowning in it.

He was drowning in it.

He picked the glass up. The ice cubes clinked against the side of it. Water droplets formed around it, leaving a ring on the rough wooden table as it was lifted from its resting place.

He put the glass to his lips and drained the entire thing in one long draft.

Then, he just let the glass fall to his side, holding it with his hoof. It hung there, and Applejack simply stared at the ring it had left on the table.

Rainbow's voice cut through the thickness of their silence, penetrating the haze of Applejack's mind, "So do you really hate it that much?"

AJ looked up at him blankly. He just stared at his friend for a few moments, before saying, "My life?"

Rainbow shook his head, saying, "Orchard life."

Applejack shrugged his shoulders and said, "It's just not what I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing."

Rainbow arched an eyebrow and said, "Then what did you imagine it being?"

Applejack put his glass on the table, saying, "I don't know. Just not this. It ain't a bad life."

Rainbow said, "It can't be that great if you're like this."

Applejack just said, "It ain't bad."

He tapped his empty glass and stood up, saying, "It just ain't what I want to do. I wanted something more, you know?"

Rainbow shook his head and said, "I don't know. I love my life. I'm always trying to be better than I am. Always trying to improve."

Applejack looked at him and said, "Apples are apples. They get bucked. There ain't no improving. No 'trying to be better.' There's just...nothing. We do the same work all day, every day, every year, and I hate it."

Applejack rubbed his eyes and ran his hoof through his hair, saying, "I hate orchard life. I want more."

He looked at his best friend, in the whole wide world, and said, "Do you understand?"

Rainbow Blitz frowned and said, "Then what else can you do? You don't even know what else to try."

AJ just shrugged and said, "Yeah. Ain't it the damnedest thing?"

Rainbow stood up, too. He fished out some bits for the bill and left it on the table. He figured that he owed his friend that much.

Then he looked to his friend and said, "I'm sorry, AJ, if you're really that unhappy."

The orchard farmer gave a wan smile and just said, "Nah. No problem. It's just something about me."

Then he turned to leave, starting to walk out of the bar.

He turned his head and said, to Rainbow, "Thanks for listening, Blitz. I appreciate it."

Rainbow Blitz smiled and said, "No problem, AJ. I'm always here. Are you okay?"

Applejack laughed for a moment and started to walk out again, saying, "Yeah. I'll be fine. I've just had too much to drink. I'll see you later."

And with that, Applejack walked out of the door of the Tallyho Tavern, as Rainbow went to one of the pool tables to find a good game. When AJ walked outside, the cold night of Autumn hit him, but his whiskey kept him warm. He walked home alone. He needed to get to sleep, soon. He had to wake up early the next morning.

The farm didn't tend itself.

Poker Night

Butterscotch swept, vigorously. All the food bits. All the animal dander. All the everything. All of it was getting swept. All the dust bunnies and grime and filth and muck (not that there was very much of that last thing). All gone. Dust lifted up off the ground in small plumes, taking flight into the air and sticking into the bristles of the broom.

The butter-colored pegasus was in a hurry. The guys were all coming over. All of them.

He had forgotten. How could he have forgotten? He was so stupid.

Dusk Shine had wanted the lot of them to do something as a group, a while ago. Elusive had none-too-subtly recommended poker. They hadn't all played poker before, and their first time was tonight.

Tonight! Oh, stupid Butterscotch! They'll be here soon, and you haven't done anything! Why does it have to be here, of all places? I'm not ready!

But he remembered why it had to be his place. He knew why it had to be here. The last time they had gotten together had been for board games, some time ago, at Elusive's. Applejack and Rainbow Blitz had gotten trashed.

And rowdy. Very rowdy. And loud. Butterscotch hadn't liked it, one bit. Chaos had broken out. The piece de resistance had come when the police came banging on the door at two in the morning. All because of AJ and Blitz.

Butterscotch stuck out his tongue. What an awful night. This would be better. They would be in a cottage, in the middle of nowhere on the edge of the forest. No ponies to disturb. Everypony (and by everypony, he meant AJ and Blitz) could get as loud as they wanted without disturbing anypony. The noise would still bother him somewhat, but at least there wouldn't be any police ponies this time. None of that.

So, the yellow pegasus swept the floor and mopped it. Then he ran to his kitchen and scrounged up as much snack food as he could manage. The guys were supposed to be bringing their own, but he still wanted to be a good host. Being a good host was important to him. He didn't get many visitors, but when he did-

There was a knock on the door.

He squealed, popping open a bag of chips too hard and allowing the contents to explode into the air like a bomb. The chips went everywhere, and Butterscotch started hyperventilating, getting down on his knees and trying to pick up as many of them as he could.

There was another knock.

"B-be there in a second!" he screamed.

Oh, Butterscotch. You're so clumsy!

Another knock.

Butterscotch gave up and flew over to the door and unlocked it (he always kept his doors locked), throwing it open. Two of his friends stood there.

"Hey, Butterscotch," said Dusk Shine, excitedly. He was wearing a poker visor and holding some chairs.

"O-oh. Hi, Dusk Shine," said the pegasus, meekly, "Come on in, guys..."

They filed in, moving into the living room. Dusk Shine began setting up the chairs, saying, "Wow, guys! I'm really excited about this! I've never played poker before, but I spent all day reading about the rules and how to play. I'm so excited!"

"Darling! Your chattel is looking absolutely sparkling," beamed the flamboyant Elusive, sporting the same poker visor as Dusk Shine, "Have you done something new with it?"

Butterscotch shook his head, saying, "N-no. It's...still the same."

Elusive set the table up as Dusk Shine went outside to get more chairs. The white unicorn said, "Well, my dear. It looks wonderful. I am certainly pleased that we are using this locale for our game..."

Butterscotch said, "Yes. Me, too. I-"

"As opposed to my place. Or anyplace located near civilization," said Elusive.

"Well...thanks," said Butterscotch, blushing, "I...uh...try?"

Dusk Shine came back inside with more chairs. Enough for all of them. He was still babbling on to no one in particular, saying, "So it's one pair, two pair, three-of-a-kind, flush, straight, four-of-a-kind, straight flush. Right? I think that's how it goes. I spent all day reading about it, and I practiced shuffling, but I'm not very good at it. Shuffling's hard. I don't see how the dealers in Los Pegasus do it. Whenever I try, the cards just fly everywhere, but I'm eager to practice more, you know? I am just so excited about all of this! I love trying new things and new games! This is all going to be so very much-"

"Yes, darling," said Elusive, laughing awkwardly and cutting him off, "It's going to be very fun. Now, be a dear and help poor Butterscotch bring everything in from the kitchen."

"Yeah," said Dusk Shine, "That sounds like a great idea!"

So, Dusk Shine went into the kitchen, where his friend was, still rambling about poker and saying as much as his lungs would allow him.

Elusive sat down at the table, breathing a sigh of relief and enjoying the relative peace as he pulled out a deck of cards. Giving them a few shuffles, he hummed to himself, listening to Dusk Shine's soft babbling from the kitchen.

This was going to be great. He was quite the card shark, if he dared think so himself. Before he met all the guys, he would regularly go carousing bars and the such, playing as many games as he could get his hooves on (he even played online, sometimes). It was a fun game, and Elusive normally won.

A question suddenly popped into his head. They were playing for bits, right?

There was a knock on the door. Dusk Shine's voice still carried from in the kitchen with Butterscotch, still yammering on about whatever. Elusive figured they hadn't heard the knock, and he went to answer the door.

Before it was opened even as far as a crack, Bubble Berry burst into the room.

"Hey, Elusive," he said, loudly, "Isn't this exciting! It's going to be funny-fun-fun! I've never played poker before with you guys! I'm so excited."

Elusive rolled his eyes a tad. Berry was starting to sound like Dusk Shine.

He said, "Why, darling, have you ever played before?"

Berry shook his head, vigorously. He said, "Yep! Uh-huh! All the time!"

Elusive arched an eyebrow, incredulously. He said, "You have?"

"Yep," said the pink pony, hauling in enormous bags of candy and tossing them onto the table, "Every day!"

Elusive was taken aback. He couldn't believe that. He said, "Every...day? Whomever with?"

Bubble Berry let out a big childish cackle of laughter and said, "Online, silly! I play online, every day! I have a lot of bits saved up!"

Elusive went and sat back down at the table. He said, "How many bits?"

Berry rubbed his chin, over-dramatically, and he said, "Uh...A few thousand, I think?"

The fashioneur's jaw dropped. He said, "A few thousand? Really?"

"Yep! Uh-huh!"

"How?"

"I don't know," said Bubble Berry, "I just play! It's fun! You know I like games, silly-head!"

Elusive said, nothing. He just thought about it, shuffling the deck more.

Berry seated himself at the table. He said, "So where is everypony?"

Elusive shrugged, saying, "Butterscotch and Dusk Shine are in the kitchen. Twiddle-Dee and Twiddle-Dum haven't shown up, yet."

"Twiddle-Dee and Twiddle-Dum," said Berry, laughing, "Don't you mean Applejack and Rainbow Blitz. That's not their names, Elusive!"

Elusive said nothing at first, then he said, "Yes, Berry. Yes. I meant AJ and Blitz."

That's when Dusk Shine and Butterscotch entered the room, bearing several plates and bowls, all with food in them. They placed them on the table and took their seats.

"Hey, Berry," said Dusk Shine.

"Hi, guys," yelled the pink pony, "Isn't this exciting!"

"It sure is," said the purple unicorn, "Did I tell you? I've been reading all day about-"

"Yes yes, Dusk Shine. I think you may have mentioned it sometime," said Elusive, cutting him off.

"Wh-where is Applejack and Rainbow," said Butterscotch.

"Not here yet, obviously," said Elusive, still shuffling the cards, "For Rainbow to be the fastest flyer in Equestria, he sure isn't ever on-time for anything."

And that's when another knock came upon the door. Butterscotch went to answer the door. As soon as the door was open, Applejack and Rainbow Blitz burst in, carrying various items and talking loudly.

"Sorry, fellas, about being late. Applejack was just being an asshole," said Rainbow Blitz.

"I was not being an asshole, fuckhead," he said nastily, defending himself, "I couldn't find my fucking lighter. I didn't know that was a sin."

"You could have just bought another one," said Rainbow, still digging into his friend, "I don't know why you like that damned thing so much. It's just a lighter."

"No, fuck you, dude," said AJ, "It's special to me! I love that thing! Don't you talk shit about my lighter."

The pair went to the table, still squabbling and trash-talking each other. Dusk Shine giggled, finding it humorous. Elusive found very little humorous, and he just went back to shuffling his deck. Applejack put a big box of beer on the ground, next to himself, throwing his smaller items onto the table. Rainbow did the same thing, but with a little six-pack. Everypony sat back down at the table, and the shit-talking started right back up again.

"Rainbow, I can't believe you wasted that many bits on that shit," said AJ.

Rainbow's eyes narrowed, and he said, "Dude! That's not my fault. I didn't know that fucking store was charging a leg and a hoof for a fucking six-pack."

"No, I'm bitching because it's shit beer, and you shouldn't be wasting your money on it," retorted the cowpony.

"Dude, pull that stick out of your ass. I know it's up there deep, and it'll take you a while, but I know you can manage," said Rainbow.

"Fuck you, dude," said AJ.

"What? Not everypony likes to pay four jillion bits for some fucking beer. Some people like cheap shit. Stop crawling up my ass about it, asshole," said Rainbow.

"Fine fine, whatever," said the earth pony, "Let's just play some fucking cards. I have a finite amount of time before-"

"You get too borked to play right," said Elusive calmly, joining in on the fighting.

Applejack just shot him an ugly look at picked a cigarette out of his pack. He lit it, taking a deep drag and saying, "Not you, too. Just deal the fucking cards."

Butterscotch immediately realized that he had forgotten to open the windows. Jumping up out of his seat, he ran all about the room, hurriedly opening up every window that he could.

Dusk Shine noticed this and looked at AJ, saying, "You know, AJ. Maybe you shouldn't smoke in here. Or, at least ask permission first. This IS Butterscotch's house."

AJ looked at Dusk Shine, his lit cigarette still hanging out of his mouth. He said, "Nah. Nonsense. He doesn't mind, do you, Butters?"

Butterscotch took his seat back at the table, huffing from the effort. He blushed slightly as everypony's attention came back onto him. He sank in his seat. It did bother him, but he wasn't going to say anything. He just laughed nervously, saying, "No...Of course not...I don't mind. The smell will...come out."

Rainbow said to AJ, "Dude. Your room smells like an ashtray."

AJ frowned, saying, "Fuck you dude. No, it doesn't."

Rainbow laughed loudly, saying, "Do you ever go in there?! It smells like volcano's ass-crack!"

Butterscotch moaned a little. He didn't want his living room to smell like an ashtray.

AJ said, "It's fine. It's just one night." He turned to their host and said, graciously, "Thank you, Butterscotch, for letting us play at your place, this time. I am very grateful."

Berry chimed in, saying, "Yeah! That's because Elusive won't let you smoke at his place, and Grandpa Smith goes to bed real early!"

AJ shot him a look, and Elusive just said, smiling, "I assuredly will not allow him to do any such thing in my parlor. No filthy habits like that in my home."

The orange earth pony rolled his eyes and make a noise, cracking open a beer. He said, "Whatever guys. Fuck you. Elusive, just deal the fucking cards."

Elusive smiled, getting a rise out of his friend. He said, "Don't worry. I will. I like free money."

"Free money, my ass," said AJ, "If, and I do mean if, you manage to claw these bits out of my hoof, then you're going to have to bust your ass for it."

There was silence, for a few moments. Elusive just kept shuffling. AJ's smoke drifted lazily into the air. There was a hiss as Rainbow opened up his own beer. The trash and bottle caps just stayed on the table. Dusk Shine and Butterscotch sipped on some hot cocoa that they had made in the kitchen. Berry wasn't drinking anything. He was just shoveling hooffuls of candy into his mouth and munching them loudly, with lots of 'mmm's and 'yum's.

After everything had calmed down after a few minutes, Elusive said, "So, everypony knows how to play?"

Dusk Shine took in a deep breath and said, "Yes! I've been reading all morning-"

"Yes, yes," said Elusive, "I think everypony does know how to play. Now, does everypony have their bits?"

Butterscotch squirmed in his seat. He didn't have a lot of money to waste. He said, "We...we're playing for money? Why?"

Berry said, "That's just how poker's played, silly! Didn't you know that?"

The yellow pegasus said, "For money?"

"How else did you think we were going to play," said Elusive.

"For...fun? I didn't know money was involved. Won't that make it...well...not-fun?" asked Butterscotch.

Berry shook his head, saying, "Nope! You always play for money. That's what makes it fun and exciting!"

Butterscotch said, "Oh. Okay. That's...fine, I guess."

Elusive looked at him and said, "So do you have the money for it, Butterscotch?"

Everypony stared at him. He blushed, deeply, sinking into his seat. He said, "Well, I...uh-"

"Hell," said AJ, cutting into the conversation, "I'm feeling a might bit neighbor-like, today. I'll spot it for you, Butters."

Butterscotch smiled, sitting back up again. What a relief. He said, "Th-thank you, Applejack."

The cowpony just winked, scratching his head and moving his hat, saying, "No problem, partner. We're just here to have a good time."

"Well," said Elusive, "All of you good fellows 'pony up,' as it were."

Everypony put their bits on the table, with AJ putting double the amount up. Elusive collected it all and put it into a case. Out of the same case, he pulled out a bunch of poker chips, giving everyone a few stacks of different-colored ones.

He said, "Now, everypony. The denominations are one, two, five, and ten. Blinds start at one and two, and they'll go up every twenty minutes."

Dusk Shine smiled brightly, rubbing his hooves together. He felt like he was in an actual casino, with all of the lingo going around. He understood absolutely all of it, and that thrilled him to no end.

"Wh-what's a blind," said Butterscotch timidly, feeling like an idiot.

"Some money everypony has to put up, before the cards are dealt. To make sure there's always money in the pot," explained Rainbow Blitz.

"Ah...I...understand," said the yellow pegasus.

"I'll deal first," said Elusive. Rainbow and AJ put some chips in.

Then the playing commenced. Everypony was mostly silent, for now. Dusk Shine tried to put on his best poker face. Butterscotch had no idea what he was doing and didn't try. Berry had the worst poker face, ever, and he did not hide this fact. The other three stayed calm and reserved.

A few hands were dealt, with nopony in particular winning or losing. It was just a nice friendly game. That was, until Berry won the first big pot with a full house.

"Bullshit!" screamed AJ, putting out his cigarette into an ash tray, "You pulled that shit out of your ass!"

Berry just laughed, saying, "No, silly! They didn't come out of my butt! Elusive dealt them to me!"

"Maybe if you didn't always bet when you had nothing, you wouldn't lose," said Rainbow.

AJ lit another and glared at his friend, saying, "Piss off, asshole. I know what I'm doing."

Rainbow looked at his friend's dwindling pile of chips and laughed, saying, "Your chips say otherwise. You have the least at the table, Jackass."

AJ frowned, saying, "I'm just down on my luck, is all. Mind your own damned business, asshole."

Butterscotch looked at his chips and said, "Am I doing well?"

Rainbow said, "Better than AJ."

"Fuck you," said the cowpony.

Elusive smiled and said, calmly, "Yes, Butterscotch. You're doing fine, for your first game. I wouldn't worry about it, darling."

Berry said, "I'm doing well!"

Dusk Shine assessed his situation and munched on some chips, saying, "I could be doing better, I think, but I'm not worried about it. I read in my book that-"

Rainbow laughed, saying, "You read a book on how to play poker?!"

Elusive rolled his eyes. Oh boy. Here he goes, now.

Dusk Shine inhaled deeply and said, "Yes! There were a few in the library, and I read a couple last night and this morning! I know all of the rules, and I got a few general pointers on how to-"

"That is very interesting, Dusk Shine! I am very happy that you shared your story with us," said Elusive, interrupting him.

Rainbow said, "Aw, get off of him, Elusive. I would love to know what kinds of 'pointers' a book would have to tell him."

Dusk Shine smiled, saying, "Well, it said-"

"The only way to learn is to play," said AJ, "That's the only way you'll get good. Not by reading some stuff out of a book."

Dusk Shine frowned, saying, "Well, I-"

Elusive cut him off, saying, "Well, good fellows. Time for the next hand," and he tossed out some cards.

The purple unicorn went silent, as did the whole table, and they played another hand.

As the hand was wrapping up, Berry said, "So, did any of you guys see Ruby Shores in that concert, yesterday."

Butterscotch smiled, saying, "I like Ruby Shores."

AJ said, "Nah. Not my kind of music."

"Of course not," said Rainbow, "You listen to that 'country' shit."

This immediately got a rise out of AJ, who said, "It ain't 'shit,' asshole! It's great stuff!"

"Great, my ass," said Rainbow, smiling, "But yeah, I watched her, but not for the music."

Dusk Shine said, "So...if you didn't watch her music, then why did you watch it?"

Rainbow wiggled his eyebrows, a stupid smirk plastering his face, and he said, "Oh, you know why."

The purple unicorn's eyes flitted back and forth. He gulped, saying, "Uh...no. I...uh...I really don't."

Rainbow's stupid smirk vanished, his eyebrows furling. He said, "Dude! She's totally hot!"

Dusk Shine said, "Oh. Well, I-"

Elusive chortled, putting down his cards and looking at his rainbow-colored friend, saying, "Rainbow, dearest darling. You are aware of her age, right?"

The blue pegasus arched an eyebrow, saying, "Yes? Duh? She's like...our age or something. Maybe a little older."

Elusive let out a loud laugh, saying, "No, darling. She is not 'like...our age.' Ms. Ruby Shores is in her forties. She has two foals and is divorced."

Rainbow immediately stuck out his tongue, saying, "What dude? For real? Sick!"

Berry chimed in, saying, "What's so sick about it?"

The blue pegasus looked at him, curiously. He said, "What the fuck, dude? She's like forty. A mom. With kids. Two kids. It's gotta be like throwing a ham down a hallway, by this point."

Bubble Berry laughed, choking down some fun dip straight out of the pack. He said, "What's wrong with moms?"

Rainbow's eyes went screwy, and he looked at his pink with a look of disgust, saying, "Dude. What the fuck? They're...moms. That's what's wrong with them."

Berry said, simply, "I love moms."

The entire room went silent at the revelation. Nopony said anything. The only noise that could be heard was Applejack sipping from his beer.

"Well," said Elusive, picking his cards back up, "That's enough of that. Let's just play-"

"Don't you like milfs, Elusive? I thought everypony did," said Bubble Berry, egging him on.

"No, Berry," said the fashioneur, "I can't say I-"

"What's a 'milf,'" said Dusk Shine, not knowing.

Berry smiled and turned to his friend, saying, "It's simple! A mother I'd like to-"

"Enough!" screamed Elusive, "That's enough! Let's just play some poker! We're not here to talk about mothers. We are here to play cards."

There was silence again, as everypony picked their cards back up and resumed the game.

"Fuck," said Bubble Berry, finishing his sentence.

Elusive growled, slamming his cards on the table. He said, "For Solaris's sake! That's enough! We will immediately cease discussion of this particular topic of conversation."

There was silence again, as Elusive huffed. He picked his cards back up and looked at them, a frown smearing his face.

Rainbow suddenly said, "And why are YOU trying to change the conversation so badly? Hiding something?"

Elusive said, calmly, "No, dear. I have nothing to hide. I just refuse to participate in such a vulgar and barbaric conversation. We are not grade-school fillies. This is not an appropriate conversation for mature adults."

"Hell, I love vulgarity," said Rainbow, excitedly.

Elusive said, "I am aware, Rainbow Blitz. It's just that I-"

"Elusive has a hot mom," said Berry, interjecting himself deep into the conversation again.

The whole table erupted into laughter, except for Elusive, who's face turned a crimson red. He slammed his cards on the table again and said, "Bubble Berry! How dare you! I don't have a-"

"So you think she's ugly," asked the pink pony, innocently.

"No! My mother is not ugly," retorted the white unicorn, "I just no longer wish to continue this line of-"

"I could see it, your mom being hot" said Rainbow Blitz, rubbing his chin and aggravating his friend, "If I was into that kind of thing."

Elusive shot him a gaze of daggers. If looks could kill, then Rainbow would have fallen out of his chair backwards. The pegasus let out a hoarse laugh, saying, "Dude, calm down, Elusive. We're just fucking around."

Elusive snorted, saying, "Well, I just don't appreciate everypony talking about my mother like that."

Berry said, "Why, though? It's true? She's so pretty! And she likes sports, doesn't she?"

"She does?" said Rainbow, his eyes lighting up as he suddenly became interested in talking about Elusive's mother some more.

Bubble Berry nodded, saying, "Yep! She sure does. Her cutiemark is a football, isn't it?"

Rainbow laughed, saying, "You would know what her cutiemark is, wouldn't you?"

Elusive said, "That's enough-"

"Calm down, miss priss," said Rainbow, "We're all just agreeing that your mom's pretty. Why is that so bad?"

"Because," said the white unicorn, "It is very-"

"I didn't agree to anything like that," said Dusk Shine, his own cheeks turning a deeper shade.

"Me...neither," said Butterscotch, softly.

"Yeah, see," said Rainbow, "They think your mom's ugly. You should be thanking us."

Dusk Shine put his cards down, looking mortified. He said, "No! I didn't say that, either!"

"Just," said Elusive, becoming more and more angry, "Enough! Enough! Enough! We are NOT talking about this anymore, or Solaris help me! I will walk right out of that cottage door and take my table with me!"

He was huffing and puffing, breathing very deeply. His eyes scanned each other pony in the room one-by-one, just waiting for one of them to make just one more crack. When they didn't, he calmed himself down and picked his cards back up.

He said, "Your bet, Dusk Shine."

"I mean," said Rainbow, as Elusive gave out another groan, "It's fine, Elusive. Sorry. Didn't mean to bother you. Just paling around, you know? It's fine that you don't like it."

Dusk Shine place a small bet, and the room was silent again.

"I mean," said Rainbow again, "The only family-fucker around here is AJ. I think it's great that you don't have the hots for your own mom."

Applejack immediately slammed his hooves on the table. His cigarette fell out of his mouth. He said, "Dude! What the fuck?! Don't drag me into this! I didn't say shit to ya'll!"

He pointed a hoof at Bubble Berry, saying, "He's the one who started it! Don't crawl up my ass about it!"

Berry just rolled his eyes, smiling. He said, cheekily, "Well, what can I say? I just love-"

"Is that why you live with the Cakes," said Elusive, calmly and collectedly, turning the tables onto his friend.

Bubble Berry's face immediately fell, and his pupils dilated. He said, "What?"

"Is that why you live with the Cakes," said Elusive, repeating himself, "You live in their house, as opposed to living with your parents or on your own. Is that why?"

Berry gulped, saying, "Is what why?"

"Mrs. Cake," said Elusive, not even cracking a smile, even though he wanted to.

Bubble Berry's expression erupted into one of horror. This was going terribly wrong. He said, "Nononono! That's not why! They're just nice ponies!"

AJ said, "Yeah. I bet. Mrs. Cake is quite the homemaker, isn't she? She does all that baking and cleaning and stuff. Since you're into that sort of thing, I could see why you would want to live-"

"No! I would never do any such thing! That's crazy-talk," screamed Bubble Berry, panicking.

"No," said Elusive, "I think it's true, and shame on you, Bubble Berry." AJ and Rainbow murmured in agreement.

Rainbow suddenly said, "What do you think, Dusk Shine?"

The last thing the purple unicorn wanted was to get dragged into an awful conversation like this. It made him very uncomfortable. He said, "Think about what?"

"Mrs. Cake, dumbass," said Rainbow, "Aren't you listening?"

"I...uh..." said Dusk Shine, trying to buy time, "I...have no opinion."

Bubble Berry laughed, joyfully, saying, "Silly ponies! Dusk Shine doesn't like girls!"

The entire table suddenly turned their attention to him, save Butterscotch, who was trying to sink as far into his seat as he could. Crickets could be heard outside.

AJ said, "Really, Dusk Shine? Is that true? You don't like pretty little fillies?"

Dusk Shine's cheeks turned a deeper shade than Elusive's had, earlier. He immediately sprang to his defense, saying, "No! No! I like girls! What would make you think I don't?"

Bubble Berry looked at him quizzically, saying, "You do? Really? You had me fooled."

"Why, Berry," said the purple unicorn, "Why would I have you fooled? What in Equestria would make you think that I didn't like girls?"

"Because you never talk about them," said the pink pony, "You never look at them. You have never once expressed interest in any. I just thought that-"

"Well you thought wrong!" screamed Dusk Shine, "I like girls just fine!"

Rainbow said, "Really? Then what do you like?"

"What do I...like?" said Dusk Shine, timidly. He joined Butterscotch in trying to sink under the table.

"Yeah," said Rainbow, continuing, "What do you like a girl? Now that Berry mentions it, I've never once heard you talk them. Not even one time. What's up with that?"

"Well," said Dusk Shine, trying to find the words, very carefully, "I just...am preoccupied with my studies and with you guys. I don't have a lot of time, is all. I like girls, I just don't have the time for it."

"Mhm," said Rainbow, "Sure. I believe that. So let's say you did have the time. What would you be looking for?"

Dusk Shine sighed. He hated this conversation, and it was growing more awful by the minute. He said, "I...guess I would just be looking for a nice girl, with a nice personality. Who's smart. I guess that's all. Nothing big or complicated."

"Yeah yeah," said the blue pegasus, "Bullshit. Right right. I get it."

AJ put out his cigarette and lit another one. After taking a big puff, he said, "You have no idea what you're looking for or what you want, do you?"

"Not his sister, that's for damn sure," said Rainbow, nudging Applejack's side.

AJ glared at him, saying, "Fuck off, dickwad."

"No," said Dusk Shine, "I definitely do not-"

"Dusk Shine has a sister, I think," said Berry, "I've seen pictures of her!"

"Really, dude?" said Rainbow, suddenly becoming much more interested in the conversation again, "You have a sister? What's she look like?"

Dusk Shine frowned, saying "She's not-"

"She's real pretty," said Bubble Berry, jumping back into the heated conversation, "I've seen her pictures! He has some! She's got a white coat, like Elusive! And her mane's two different shades of blue! She looks really pretty!"

"For real, dude," said Rainbow, almost jumping out of his seat, "Why haven't you introduced us, yet? I'd totally kill to meet your sister! What's her name?"

"Stop it, guys," said Dusk Shine, almost whining, "You aren't meeting my sister, Rainbow Blitz. She's not available."

Rainbow frowned, saying, "She's not? Why?"

"She's real important. Captain of the Royal Guard in Canterlot. She's not just some thing for you to gawk at," said the purple unicorn, triumphantly. He was proud of his sister.

"Dude," said Applejack, "Lay off his sister. You sound like a fucking creep."

Rainbow pouted, saying, "Fine. Whatever. You know, you've got a-"

Applejack socked him, right in the shoulder, hard. Rainbow let out a little 'ow,' and AJ said, "No. Fuck you. Don't you fucking start about Little Red, or I swear to Solaris I will beat your goddamned ass."

"Fine, dude," said the blue pegasus, "Whatever. Fine. I'll drop it."

There was silence, again. Butterscotch met Dusk Shine's bet, and the playing commenced. As soon as the hand was over, Elusive gathered the cards and began shuffling them, again. Nopony said anything.

Then AJ suddenly said, "What about Butterscotch?"

Everypony turned and looked at him. For the yellow pegasus, this constituted a worst-case scenario. The last thing he wanted was for everypony to be talking about him, right now, about this particular subject. He put his head on the table and hid under his hooves, blushing.

"Yeah, Butters," said Rainbow Blitz, "What about you? We haven't talked about you in like...forever."

"Oh," said Butterscotch, stammering, "It's...nothing. I don't want to talk about it."

"Do you like moms, too," asked Bubble Berry.

"No. I just-"

"No, Berry. He's not some sick fuck, like you. I bet he just likes chicks our age, like most normal ponies," said Rainbow.

AJ said, "I agree with Berry. I think he likes moms. That seems to be the trend, here."

"Shut up, Jackass," said Rainbow.

"Dude, fuck you," said Applejack.

"No, but seriously," said the blue pegasus, "Butters. I have never not even one time heard you talk about girls or look at them. What's up with that? I know you have time for them. You don't have a fucking job."

Elusive interjected, saying, "He has a job, you crude barbarian. He takes care of pets for animals. Things like that. Darling Butterscotch probably makes more money than you do."

"Oh bullshit," said Rainbow Blitz, "But let's assume he does. So he has time. He has money. He owns his own place. Why no chicks. Some of them like the whole meek and timid thing, right?"

Butterscotch said, softly, "Well, I-"

"Maybe he doesn't fill his life with carnal pursuits, Rainbow," said Elusive, "Have you ever thought of that? Not all of us spend all of our time drinking beer and watching football and trying to pick up women at bars."

Butterscotch tried to defend himself, still, saying, "I just-"

"Dude, fuck you," said the blue pegasus, "That is not what I spend all of my time doing."

"I-" said the yellow pegasus.

"Yeah," said Applejack, "I can definitely confirm that he cannot pick a chick up at a bar to save his life."

"Guys," said Butterscotch, meekly trying to butt his way into the conversation, "You don't-

Rainbow tried to save the derailing conversation and said, "Whatever. Whatever. Fuck you guys. I'm just saying. Butterscotch, man. What's going on in your head?"

"Well, I-"

"Stop bothering him," said Dusk Shine, sticking up for his friend, "It's making him uncomfortable. He obviously doesn't want to talk about it. Not everypony wants you digging into their love lives, Rainbow."

Suddenly, out of nowhere, above all of the din of the erupting conversation, Butterscotch screamed, as loud as his lungs would allow, "I DON'T LIKE GIRLS!"

The exuberant exclamation echoed through the cottage, stirring some birds outside. The scream could be heard in the dead of night. It rang through all the rooms of the little house. It rang over the poker table. It rang in everypony's ears.

There was just silence after it, as everypony looked at him with surprise. Nopony said anything. Elusive stopped, mid-shuffle. Berry was in the middle of shoving candy into his mouth. Dusk Shine was about to take a sip from his cold cocoa. AJ still smoked his cigarette.

Then Rainbow suddenly said, as the admittance sunk into everypony's heads, "Dude. I was just joking. I didn't know you were an ass pirate."

Elusive said, "Rainbow! Don't be rude!"

Dusk Shine stuck up the shy pegasus as well, saying, "Yeah, Rainbow! Don't say that! It's not nice."

Rainbow said, "Fine fine. Sorry, Butters. I...uh...I didn't mean to make that come out. I'm sorry. What's a better word, anyway?"

Applejack looked from side-to-side, then said, "Faggot?"

Everypony screamed at him, making him hide under his hat.

He said, "Sorry, sorry! Rainbow's the one who brought it up! He's the one who called him an ass pirate! Don't yell at me about it!"

Elusive turned to Butterscotch, saying soothingly, "Butterscotch, dear. It's okay. There's nothing wrong with it."

"Yeah," said Rainbow Blitz, putting himself back into things, "Elusive is a fudge-packer, and we like him fine."

"I'm WHAT," screamed the white unicorn, "I am not of that persuasion, Rainbow Blitz! What would make you think I am?"

Rainbow spit his beer out all over the table, thankfully missing all of the cards. He said, "Are you fucking serious? Have you looked at yourself? You smell like flowers, you style your hair all fancy, and you run a dress shop!"

Elusive's jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed. He said, "I wear cologne, Rainbow. I am terribly sorry for wanting to look my best, everyday, and I certainly do not run a dress shop!"

"Dude," said Rainbow, "You sell dresses in your store. Doesn't that make it a dress shop?"

Elusive said, "I sell suits, Rainbow. There are some dresses in there, but I am a Tailor. My specialty is suits for men. I am not a dress-maker, and I certainly am not gay."

"Well," said the rainbow pegasus, "You had me fucking fooled."

Dusk Shine had spent this entire time looking at the humiliated Butterscotch. He gave him a light touch on the shoulder, saying, "Hey, Butterscotch. I'm sorry about all of this. Are you okay?"

Butterscotch just blushed as deeply as he could, then he said, "Yeah. I'm fine. It-it's okay. It doesn't bother me. I don't mind. Really."

Dusk Shine put a hoof on the yellow pegasus's shoulder, saying, "Yeah, Butterscotch. It's okay. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

The shy pegasus looked at him, saying, "I'm not ashamed of it. It's just never come up, is all. I don't mind talking about it."

Rainbow blurted out, "So you like dudes, really? Do you like any of us?"

Elusive is the one who delivered the punch, this time. He said, very sternly, "Rainbow Blitz! You backwoods heathen! Don't say that!"

Butterscotch just blushed, saying, "Well, I-"

The white unicorn turned to him, saying, "You don't have to answer that, dear. Just ignore these rude savages."

"Savages," said Applejack, realizing her was being lumped into the category, "What the fuck did I do? Rainbow started this!"

Elusive resumed shuffling. He said, "Now, let's just get this business behind us and play cards."

Everypony nodded in agreement, even Rainbow Blitz, and Elusive dealt the next hand.

For the rest of the night, everypony's attention was on the game. No one interrupted it again to talk about anything that wasn't related to poker, not even Rainbow Blitz. Time passed, and the blinds went up. Exclamations and screams were made, and one-by-one, ponies were knocked out of the game when the chips ran out.

At the end of the night, it was Bubble Berry, not Elusive, who took home the pot. As everypony left Butterscotch's cottage, the pink pony was talking about how many cookies and cakes and bags of candy he was going to buy with his winnings. Rainbow protested it all as bullshit. Applejack just left quietly, wanting to spend some time alone somewhere.

Elusive packed up his table and cleaned up, taking it all outside and back to Carousel Boutique. He was a graceful loser, about as graceful as they came.

Dusk Shine was the last to leave, and as he did so, Butterscotch stopped him for a moment, with a touch on his arm.

"Yes, Butterscotch?"

The yellow pegasus just smiled, saying, "I just wanted to say..."

"Say what," said the purple unicorn, smiling.

"...Thank you for being nice and supportive of me. Elusive, too."

Dusk Shine just laughed and said, "No problem, Butterscotch. Anytime. I'lll see you next time, okay? We'll have to do this again, sometime soon."

Butterscotch just nodded in agreement, saying, "Yes. We will."

Then the door closed, and Butterscotch was all by himself. He waved bye to Dusk Shine through the window and just started cleaning up all the mess. There was a lot of it, and it would take awhile.

But he didn't mind. He was just grateful to have friends to make messes for him, even if they poke fun at him, sometimes.

Hooligans

Thread wove in-and-out of the piece of fabric, guided by unicorn magic. Surrounded by the user's magical aura, the needle dove in and dove out, going in and then lifting out once more. They were rapid oscillations, the product of a very experienced and meticulous hoof. The needle and thread went exactly where they were needed, and they never strayed away from their destination in the slightest. It was the work of a master.

Elusive put the needle down, letting it rest on the table. Lifting a handkerchief out of his breast pocket, he wiped his brow with it. This was harder work than he had originally thought it would be. Much harder. Maybe he should up his fees.

It was the Mayor's vest. He had an important meeting that he needed it for, but it had a tear in it. Naturally, he had come to the town tailor to get it fixed. That was Elusive.

But where he had torn it was awkward, hard to mend. The white unicorn lifted his glass of cognac to his mouth, taking a small sip. This was hard work. It required the utmost and complete concentration. The needle lifted up into the air again, drifting carefully and slowly towards the hole in the fabric. To fix this spot, without it being apparent that there was a hole to begin with, would be very very difficult. Even the slightest jar or interruption would-

"Elusive! Elusive! ELUSIVE!" screamed a little colt, crashing down the stairs like a herd of buffalo.

Elusive flinched from the noise. His needle rocketed into the vest, digging into the seam and tearing open another hole.

He leaned back into his seat, staring at the vest with his mouth hanging open. His glasses slid off of his face and fell to the ground. Swearing silently and profusely to himself, he slowly turned around to the source of the noise.

His little brother stood there, behind him, sitting down on his haunches. He was a white unicorn, like Elusive, but with a dual-colored mane of lavender and pink instead of stark purple. He sat there, just smiling at his older brother.

Elusive put on his best smile and said, as sweetly as he could manage, "Yes, Sugar Beau?"

"Elusive," said the younger brother, "Can I go play outside? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

Elusive's smile turned into a bemused grin, and he turned around back to his work, picking the needle back up again. "No," he said.

Sugar Beau's face was enveloped with an over-sized frown, and he started whining. "But whhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyy," he said.

"Because I hate you," said Elusive.

"What," said the little colt, surprised, "Really?"

"No," said the older brother, "But that's what you were going to say next."

Sugar Beau stood up, stamping his hooves on the ground. He said, "But whhhhhhhyyyyyyyyy?! It's pretty outside. I want to go play with Apple Buck and Scooterloo!"

"No," said Elusive.

Sugar Beau screamed, "Why?!"

"Because I'm supposed to be watching after you," said Elusive, beginning to repair the new hole he just made, "And mother and father both said that you needed to practice the violin, today."

Sugar Beau frowned again, sitting back down and pouting. He said, "But I don't wanna! I hate the stupid violin. It's so boring!"

"No," said Elusive again, repeating himself, "Now go back upstairs and practice."

The little unicorn turned around and starting walking back upstairs. He said, "You're a jerk."

"I know," said Elusive, barely paying attention to his brother's exasperations, "I'm the worst brother ever. Now go upstairs and practice the violin. Don't make me call mother and father, Beau."

Sugar Beau huffed and puffed, like a little wolf, and stomped up the stairs as loudly as he could. Elusive heard him stomp all the way upstairs and slam the door.

Smiling to himself, he said, "Finally, some peace and quiet. Now...back to work."

In his room, Sugar Beau paced back and forth, grumbling to himself. His violin sat on the bed, untouched. He hadn't played with it all day; he hated it. Moaning and groaning, he shuffled over to the window and perched himself up in it, leaning his head on his hooves. He dreamt about all the fun he could be having today, if he weren't stuck inside at his brother's house.

Suddenly, a soft plink sounded off the window. Looking down at the ground, Beau saw two other little colts down there. One was yellow, with a red mane and red bandanna. The other was a light brown color, with small wings and a fuchsia mane. The little pegasus picked another rock up off the ground and tossed it against the window

Beau smiled and threw the window open, just in time for it to zoom up and hit him in the head. He grabbed his forehead, saying, "Ow!"

"Sorry, Beau," said the little pegasus on the ground.

"Come on out, Beau," said the little earth pony.

Sugar Beau, still rubbing his head, said to them, "I can't come outside, today."

The little pegasus frowned, sticking out his tongue, said, "Dude, why not?"

"It's because of my lame-ass brother," said the little unicorn, becoming angry enough to swear, "He won't let me out, today. He says I have to practice the stupid violin."

"Why," said the earth pony on the ground.

"I don't know," said Beau, "Because mom and dad want me to learn it, or something. I hate it."

"Well, then," said the brown pegasus, scratching his chin, "Why don't you just sneak out? Come hang out with Apple Buck and me."

Beau shook his head, saying, "No way! He'll kill me if I sneak out of the house."

Apple Buck jumped up and down, saying excitedly, "Come on, dude! Scooterloo had a great idea about what we can try, today! It's sure to give us our cutie marks! You HAVE to be there for it!"

"Really," said the white unicorn, a smile suddenly appearing on his face, "Like, for real? You guys have a great idea?"

Scooterloo grinned broadly and shook his head, saying, "Yeah, dude! Totally! I read about it in a book, yesterday! We're totally going to get our cutie marks, today!"

Sugar Beau's smile widened, and he said, "Awesome!" Then the smile disappeared, and he said, "But I can't leave."

Apple Buck said, "Just sneak out! We'll go get out cutie marks, and then you can sneak back in. Elusive'll never even notice you're gone."

Beau said, nervously, "Really? Think so?"

"No," said Scooterloo, "But you want to get your cutie mark today, don't you?"

"Heck yeah, I do," said the little unicorn, stomping a hoof on the windowsill.

"Then jump down," said the pegasus.

"Well, okay," said Beau, not needing much convincing. Crawling onto the windowsill, he timidly and cautiously worked his way off of it and onto the roof of Carousel Boutique. Almost losing his footing in the process, he managed to keep his balance and slowly walked down the slanted rooftop. His legs shaking, his teeth gritted, he steadily made his way down.

Until he got about half-way. That's when he lost it all and rolled down the shingles, swearing profusely and trying to slow himself down. It was all to no avail, and Sugar Beau toppled off of the roof and fell to the ground with a loud thud, kicking up plumes of dust into the air.

Scooterloo and Apple Buck ran over to their friend. Standing over him, they looked down.

"Dude," said the little pegasus, "Are you all right?"

Apple Buck smiled and gave a little hop, saying, "Beau! That was totally kickass! Look! You're not dead!"

The little white unicorn picked himself up off the ground, staggering and seeing stars. He said, "Yeah, guys. I'm fine. Thanks."

Apple Buck looked at his friends, saying, "So what's next?"

"We get our cutie marks," screamed Scooterloo, excitedly, "Come on. We need to go to the library and get some books!"

Helping their friend get his footing and walk a few feet, The Cutie Mark Crusaders started their journey toward the town library: Dusk Shine's home. It was an extremely pleasant day. The weather patrol had made it so. Not a single cloud was in the sky; nothing marred the perfect blue. The sun shined proudly and brightly, making the temperature warm and pleasant.

The three boys chattered the entire time to their destination.

"So what exactly are we going to try, today," asked Sugar Beau.

Apple Buck smiled broadly, saying, "Scoots had a great idea! He was reading about Trottingham for that school report, yesterday, and-"

"Soccer hooligans," yelled the little pegasus, jumping up in the air and buzzing his wings.

Beau frowned and arched an eyebrow, quizzically. He said, "What's a soccer hooligan?"

Scooterloo shrugged his shoulders, saying, "I don't know, but there's a lot of them in Trottingham. At least, that's what my book said, but it didn't tell me what they were."

"So we're going to the library to check some books out on them," said Apple Buck, expounding further on their idea, "Dusk Shine's sure to know what they are, and he can help us find some books on them."

Beau frowned again, saying, "Does it involve zip-lining? I hate zip-lining."

The little pegasus said, "I don't know. That's what we're going to find out. We've never tried being soccer hooligans before, though. I figured we could try it out. Maybe it's our thing, you know?"

"Maybe," said Beau, slowly, "Maybe it is."

"Yeah," said Apple Buck, "I'm thinking it might be. It sure does sound like fun, whatever it is."

"I love fun things," said Sugar Beau, smiling.

"Yeah, so do I," said Scooterloo.

"But," said the white unicorn, turning his smile into a frown again, "What's soccer?"

"I think it's a sport," said the earth pony, "Applejack said it's a sport that pansies play in other places in Equestria."

Beau frowned, saying, "What? I don't want to be a pansy!"

Scooterloo said, "Don't worry, Sugar Beau. Maybe hooligans play soccer different than other ponies. Maybe they aren't pansies."

Apple Buck said, "Yeah, dude, don't worry. My brother's an asshole. Maybe he just hates soccer. The only sport he likes is hoofball."

"Yeah, dude," said Scoots, "I'm not worried about it. I want to see it all for myself. Dusk Shine will help us. He knows everything. I'm sure he'll be able to tell us all about soccer hooligans."

Sugar Beau said, "Well, now's our chance to ask him. We're here."

The boys found themselves standing before the Ponyville library, home of Dusk Shine. It was a large building hollowed out of and built upon a large tree, the largest tree in Ponyville. Scooterloo pointed at it and said, excitedly, "Look! We're here! Let's go inside!"

So, the three boys walked up to the library door. Scooterloo, leading the three of them (since it was his idea), knocked on the door. After a few moments, no one came to the door. Beau and Apple Buck looked at each other. Sugar Beau frowned.

"Maybe no one's here," said the little unicorn.

"That don't make no sense," said Apple Buck, "It's a library. Dusk Shine's the librarian. Why wouldn't it be open? It's the middle of the day. It ain't a holiday."

"You're right. That doesn't make much sense. Give it another knock, Scoots," said Beau.

Scooterloo shrugged his shoulders and gave another knock, much louder this time.

The door immediately swung open. The trio was greeted with a figure at their own height: a little purple dragon wearing a blonde wig. She stood in the doorway, looking bored, the door still in her hand.

Apple Buck said, "Hey, Barb!"

Barb (short for Barbara) looked at each of them then said, "Hey, guys. What's up?"

Scoots chimed in, saying, "Hey, Barb. We-"

"I'm going by the name Cathy, now," she said, interrupting him.

Scoots turned to his three friends, with a quizzical look on his face. Sugar Beau just shrugged his shoulders. Apple Buck shook his head. The pegasus turned back towards the librarian's assistant, saying, "Okay...Why?"

Barb/Cathy shrugged her shoulders, saying, "I don't know. I like the name. Just decided to change it."

"When did this happen," asked the little pegasus.

"This morning," said Barb/Cathy.

Scoots turned back to his friends, who just shrugged their shoulders. The orange pegasus turned back to the baby dragon, saying, "Okay...Cathy. We-"

"Hey, dude, where's your brother," she asked.

"Me?" asked Apple Buck.

"No," she said, "Sugar Beau."

"Oh," said the white unicorn, "He's back at the store, working on something, I think."

"He's not with you?" she asked.

The three of them shook their heads.

Barb/Cathy turned away from them, staring off into space with a smile and ticking the edges of her claws together. She said, "Well, that's too bad. I wouldn't mind seeing him, today. I would not mind one bit."

Scooterloo looked back at his friends, his entire face plastered with a confused and questioning look. He mouthed the words 'what the fuck.' Apple Buck just shrugged his shoulders and frowned.

"Anyways..." said Scoots, trailing off, "We're here to check out some books. And we need to ask Dusk Shine something."

Barb/Cathy snapped out of her fantasies, being pulled back into stark reality. She turned back to them, saying, "Oh. Well, whatever. Come in. It's a public library. It's not a holiday or anything. We're open."

The Cutie Mark Crusaders all smiled and filed in. Barb/Cathy closed the door behind them. The inside of the library was large, with every wall being completely filled to the brim with books of all kinds, about all kinds of subjects. Normally, the three of them avoided this place like the plague (who wanted to read or learn stuff?), but dire situations called for dire measures.

Today, they would read.

And they would like it.

As soon as the door closed, the three little colts scattered, tearing through the library like a hurricane, trying to find any books they could on soccer or hooligans. Not entirely sure where such a category of books would be held, they simply decided to go through all of them, starting at the beginning of each shelf and tearing through everything they could get their hooves on. Any book that did not pertain to soccer or hooliganry was unceremoniously tossed onto the ground.

Barb/Cathy just watched the mayhem, uncaring and unworried. Her expression was one of disinterest and boredom.

After a few minutes of this, a purple unicorn walked down the staircase from his room and into the main library. Seeing all the chaos and hearing all the noise, he let out a panicked yelp as soon as it all came into full view.

Dusk Shine panicked, seeing the three little colts destroying the library, leaving only destruction and misery everywhere they went. He screamed, "What is going on?!"

The three of them stopped, immediately, looking over at him. Barb/Cathy walked over to Dusk Shine, casually. She waved, saying, "Hi, Dusk Shine."

The purple unicorn immediately turned on her, saying, "Barb! What is-"

"Cathy," she said, cutting him off.

"What?" asked Dusk Shine, looking confused.

"My name is Cathy, not Barb."

"Okay...then. Well, Cathy. What is going on," asked the bewildered star pupil of Solaris.

"They're looking for some books or something," she said, bored, "I dunno."

Dusk Shine was taken aback. Gritting his teeth, he said, "Barb! What's the point-"

"Cathy," she said, correcting him.

Dusk Shine sighed, looking up at the ceiling. He said, "Cathy. What's the point of leaving you in charge if you aren't going to actually be in charge?"

She shrugged her shoulders, saying, "I don't know, dude. I just clean and cook and shit. I don't know how to look after a library."

Dusk Shine's eyes opened wide in disbelief. He said, "What? It's not hard! You just make sure that ponies don't tear everything up! You help them find what they want!"

Barb/Cathy just shrugged her shoulders. She turned to the three little colts, saying, "Okay, boys. What are you looking for?"

Scooterloo chimed in, saying, "Books on soccer! And hooligans!"

The baby dragon turned back towards the librarian, saying, "Yeah, see? Soccer and hooligans. I've got this under control."

Dusk Shine almost went into a seizure. He looked panically over all the mess. Books covered the tables. Book were tossed by the dozen onto the floor. Books were falling off the shelves, being tossed by the three little colts. Everything was falling apart. Tables and chairs were overturned. It was ruin. The entire library was ruin.

"No! No, you don't, Barb!" screamed the unicorn.

"Cathy," said the dragon.

Dusk Shine lost it. His eyes went crazy, and he screamed, "Your name is not Cathy! It's Barbara!"

Barb/Cathy frowned and crossed her arms, saying, "You can't tell me what my name is, Dusk Shine. You didn't name me. Nobody asked me what I wanted my name to be, when I was born."

"You couldn't talk," screamed the purple unicorn, scarcely believing the absurdity of the conversation, "We couldn't ask you what you wanted your name to be!"

Barb/Cathy pushed Dusk Shine away, holding her arms out, trying to keep him away. She said, "Listen, dude. No need to yell. All I'm saying is that I didn't get to pick my name, so I picked it today. It's not Barb. It's Cathy."

"Not Catherine," said Dusk Shine, looking at her funnily.

The baby dragon shook her head, saying, "No, dude. Not Catherine. That sounds like my mother's name. It's Cathy."

Dusk Shine slammed his hooves on the ground, saying, "Fine! Whatever! Cathy! It's Cathy! I don't care!"

Barb/Cathy smiled, nodding her head. She said, "Yeah. Now, you've-"

Dusk Shine screamed, "Why is MY LIBRARY in ruins?!"

Barb/Cathy shrugged her shoulders, saying, "Because ponies are looking for books? We ARE open, Twilight. It's not a holiday or any-"

"What did you call me?" asked the librarian, giving his assistant a quizzical look.

"Twilight," she said.

"Why?"

"Because I like the name," said Barb/Cathy, rolling her eyes, "And since you love that book series so much, I decided that maybe everypony could start calling you-"

Dusk Shine immediately erupted into nervous laughter, trying to change the topic of conversation. He said, "Ahahahaha! I haven't read those books! I have no idea what you're talking about!"

Scooterloo looked over at Apple Buck. The latter just shook his head and shrugged his shoulders.

Barb/Cathy looked at the purple unicorn strangely, narrowing her eyes. She said, "What are you talking about? You read them all over about two weeks. They're not bad books. I mean, they aren't the best-written things ever, but they-"

Dusk Shine plunged a hoof into his assistant's mouth, plugging it up. He lowered his head to her level, saying, "Go upstairs, Barb-"

The little dragon mumbled something, with the unicorn's hoof in her mouth.

Dusk Shine rolled his eyes, saying, "Go upstairs, Cathy. Go clean something. I'll take care of things down here."

Barb/Cathy mumbled something else, holding up a claw.

"Stop whining and just go," said the purple unicorn, removing his hoof with a pop.

The dragon just shrugged her shoulders and started walking upstairs, saying, "Fine, whatever, Twilight. I'll go clean the toilets or something. Whatever."

The purple unicorn sighed, saying, "My name isn't Twilight!"

Barb/Cathy shrugged her shoulders as she reached the top of the stairs, saying, "Whatever, Twilight."

The sound of a door being closed could be heard, and Dusk Shine breathed a sigh of relief. Now, it was time to get things orderly again. He turned towards the three boys, putting on the absolute best smile he could manage.

He said, "So, my little ponies! Thank you for stopping by! What can I help you with?"

The three little colts looked at each other with looks of disgust, sticking out their tongues. Scooterloo said, "Why do you call us that?"

Apple Buck said, "Yeah. It's a really gay name."

Dusk Shine was horrified. He inhaled loudly, taking a step back. He said, "Apple Buck! Do not say words like that! Being-"

"Yeah, dude," said Sugar Beau, jumping into the conversation, "It's not nice. Elusive's gay, and I love him-"

"Boys," said Dusk Shine firmly, taking control of the conversation again, "It's not nice, using words like that derogatorily. Being gay isn't bad, and you shouldn't use that word to describe bad things."

Sugar Beau nodded along, smiling. Apple Buck said, "Fine, whatever. I'm sorry. I won't-"

"Don't make me tell Applejack," threatened the purple unicorn.

Apple Buck frowned, sitting down on the ground. His eyes went wild, and he grabbed his cheeks with his hooves, sagging them down. He said, "No! Don't tell Applejack! He'll whup my ass if he hears me using bad words!"

Dusk Shine winced, deciding to ignore the use of the word 'ass.' He would have to talk to Applejack later about using foul language in the presence of his little brother. It was breeding bad habits. He said, "I won't tell him if you stop using swear words."

"Fine," said the little earth pony, "I'll stop! Just don't tell Applejack!"

The purple unicorn smiled and nodded, going back to the original topic. He said, "So what can I help you boys find, today?"

Scooterloo smiled and said loudly, hanging from a bookshelf, "We're looking for books on soccer!"

"And hooligans," chimed in Sugar Beau.

Dusk Shine was taken aback, shaking his head. He said, "Soccer and hooligans? Whatever for?"

Apple Buck said, "We're going to get our cutie marks for being soccer hooligans! We want to learn as much about them as we can!"

Dusk Shine frowned, looking at the little crusaders curiously while he took a step back. He said, "Why in Equestria would you want to be soccer hooligans?"

"Because," said Scooterloo, proud of himself for thinking up the idea, "We've never tried it before, and there are lots of soccer hooligans in Trottingham. I'm sure there are plenty of ponies with cutie marks of it!"

The purple unicorn rolled his eyes and sighed. He said, "Boys, I hate to tell you this, but soccer hooligans are bad ponies."

Sugar Beau didn't like the sound of that. He frowned and said, "Really? Why?"

"Because, boys," said Dusk Shine, "They cause riots and destroy things. They're a real menace."

Scooterloo and Apple Buck looked at each other, smiling. Destroy things? Cause riots? That sounded awesome! They both knew what the other was thinking. They were both thinking this was going to be more fun than they original thought.

"Soccer hooligans sound awesome!" screamed the little pegasus, flapping his wings as fast as he could, jumping into the air.

Dusk Shine frowned and shook his head, saying, "No boys! They aren't! No pony ever got his cutie mark by being a hooligan."

Apple Buck asked, "Then why do they do it?"

"Because," said Dusk Shine, thinking very hard about his next few words, "Sometimes ponies get really excited over things, sometimes, you know..."

The three little crusaders all sat down in front of Dusk Shine, listening carefully to everything he said. Apple Buck and Scooterloo smiled; Sugar Beau frowned.

The purple unicorn sat down, too. He said, "Well, they get really excited, as a big crowd. Then, sometimes things don't go so well for them, or sometimes they go too well, and so this big crowd will get TOO excited. Then, they'll go around and get caught up in themselves and start destroying things."

Scoots and Apple Buck looked at each other, excitedly. Beau just frowned deeper, his ears and tails drooping.

The little pegasus stood up, almost jumping up. He said, "Really?! They do all that?"

Dusk Shine's eyes narrowed. He said, "I don't think you boys are really understanding what I'm saying. Maybe if you read some about them, you'll see how bad they really are."

Apple Buck stood up too, saying, "Yeah, Dusk Shine. We need to read some books. That's why we came here in the first place!"

Dusk Shine's eyes narrowed. He debated it in his mind. He really thought that if they just read about hooligans some, they'd see how ridiculous it all was. He did love it when people expressed an interest in reading. This didn't happen everyday. But...at the same time, he was scared he'd unleash some kind of monster.

The purple unicorn gave in. He said, "Okay, boys. There's not a guide or anything on being a hooligan, but I do have some books that have references to them and some things they've done. Let me see if I can find them for you."

Scooterloo and Apple Buck both jumped up, yelling, "Cutie Mark Crusader Soccer Hooligans! Yay!"

Beau just sat on the ground, frowning.

***

The sun was still shining. No clouds rested in the sky. Warmth swam through the air. It had been a couple of hours since Sugar Beau had escaped his brother's house. The boys had gotten their books and immediately ran off to read them.

All except for Sugar Beau.

After listening to Dusk Shine talk about them, he had been wary, skeptical. He didn't like the idea, anymore. He sat down in the grass, with a book spread out in front of them. He didn't want to read it, anymore; he had read enough.

Scooterloo and Apple Buck, the other boys, were still laying down, reading through their books as fast as they could. Beau had never seen them read so much, in his entire life. There were still more books to read, of course. They had barely dented the big pile that Dusk Shine had given them.

The stack rested next to a tree. Various brightly-colored bookmarks stuck out of the massive pile of books. Beau looked at it, not wanting to read, anymore. He looked around. They were in the apple orchard at Sweet Apple Acres. Scoots had decided that this was the best place to start trying out their new-found hooliganry. Apple Buck had agreed. For their first time, they needed to be away from town, just in case things got out of control.

"Hey, guys," said Beau, still sitting down, "I don't think this is such a great idea, anymore. Let's try something else."

"That's crap," said Scooterloo, still poring over his book, "It's a great idea. These hooligan guys sound like a lot of fun."

"Yeah," said Apple Buck, "We're gonna have a blast!"

Beau's ears folded down. He frowned, saying, "But...they just go around and wreck stuff, just like Dusk Shine said."

"Maybe we can do it better. Maybe they're doing it wrong. Maybe we can be hooligans and not wreck stuff," said Apple Buck.

Sugar Beau liked the sound of that. He said, "Yeah. I want my cutie mark, but I don't want to wreck stuff to get it. That sounds...bad."

Scoots closed his book and looked over at the pile. He said, "Well, I'm done with this one. How about you, Apple Buck."

The little cowpony nodded, saying, "Yep. Me, too."

Beau said, "I don't want to read any-"

"Me, neither," said Scoots, "I agree with Beau. Let's just go out and do something! We've read enough!"

Beau shook his head, saying, "No. That's not what I meant. I-"

Apple Buck nodded his head, standing up. He said, "Yeah. That's a great idea, Beau. We need to get to work. There's only so much time left in the day."

The three just sat in silence, looking at each other.

Scoots said, "So...what do we do first?"

More silence. They just looked at each other.

Apple Buck opened his book back and flipped through it. He said, "Well...it says here...Hm...They..."

The little pegasus frowned, loudly exclaiming his displeasure in a discordant noise. He said, "Oh, man! Don't tell me we did all this reading, and we don't even know what we're supposed to do first!"

"No, dude," said Apple Buck, "I know what we can do first."

"What's that," asked Scooterloo.

"They do stuff like throw bricks through windows, right? That's easy. There's plenty of bricks around here, and plenty of windows," said the earth pony.

"Yeah," exclaimed Scooterloo, "That's a great idea! Let's do that. We just need a brick, and we need a window."

Beau said, "That doesn't...sound very nice."

Both of his friends turned and looked at him. Buck said, "But we have to, Beau! That's what soccer hooligans do! You want your cutie mark, don't you?"

Beau rubbed his arm and looked around, saying, "Yeah. I guess so. But-

"Then it's settled," said the pegasus, "We get a brick and throw it through a window! Let's go, Crusaders!"

The three boys closed their books and put them on the pile, Sugar Beau hesitantly so. There were bricks in the barn. They just needed to go get one and throw it somewhere. Wanting to try out their newfound hobby as soon as possible, Buck and Scoots ran as fast as they could. Beau tried to catch up, not as excited as they were.

After a few minutes, they were at the barn. Apple Buck said, "There has to be bricks around here, somewhere. We've got tons. We're always having to repair the barn or something."

"Good stuff," said Scoots, beginning to walk into the open barn door.

Apple Buck suddenly grabbed him, pointing into the center of the barn. Scooterloo peered into the open space, noticing a pony in there. A little red pony with a short, dirty blonde mane stood in the center of the barn, moving apples out of baskets and into barrels.

The little cowpony said, "Dude! That's my sister! She'll never let us have a brick!"

"Why not," said Scoots.

"Because, dude," explained Apple Buck, "She's a total tightwad. She'd want to know what we wanted to do with it, and she won't give it to us when she hears we want to throw it through a window."

"Lame," said Scooterloo, "What do we do?"

Sugar Beau wasn't paying attention to anything his friends were saying. He couldn't tear his eyes away from the filly in the barn. He always went wide-eyed, when he saw her, and his heart always pattered. Right now, it was like a jackhammer, beating against his chest and making him sweat. Nothing could tear his attention away from her.

"Dude," said Scoots, "What's up with Beau?"

Buck looked at Sugar Beau, then at Little Red. He shrugged his shoulders, saying, "I don't know."

The little pegasus walked up to his lovestruck friend and gave him a light shove on the shoulder, saying, "Dude, are you still with us?"

Beau shook his head, trying to not stare, but he couldn't help it. He simply said, "She's...beautiful."

Buck looked back at the barn, saying, "Who? My sister?"

Sugar Beau nodded his head, fully unable to tear his eyes away from the sight. He said, "Yeah, she is. Every time I see her, I-"

Apple Buck stuck out his tongue, saying, "Dude? What the fuck? That's my sister, you're talking about. Little Red."

"I know," said the little unicorn, "But Buck...She's just so...wonderful."

The cowpony frowned, saying, "You say that...but you haven't been on the wrong end of one of her ass whuppins, before."

"Can I go talk to her," said Beau, dreamily.

Apple Buck stuck out his tongue and said, "Dude, no! That's so gross! You have a crush on my sister!"

Beau snapped out of his fantasy, frowning and saying, "No I don't! I just want to go talk to her! I don't have a crush on her! Girls are yucky!"

"Well," said Scoots, "We all need to go talk to her. Or at least, Buck does."

Apple Buck said, "No, you guys come with me. Just...follow my lead, I guess."

And so the little earth pony walked towards the barn, his friends following. Little Red, a powerful pony in a little package, was tossing barrels onto a wagon. Approaching her, Apple Buck said, "Hey, sis!"

Breathing a little hard from the exertions of her work, she put a barrel down and turned to them. Smiling, she wiped some sweat off of her brow and said, "Hey, boys. What's going on?"

Apple Buck smiled, innocently, saying, "Nothing. We were just playing."

"Playing," she said, "What are you playing, today?"

The three Crusaders all looked at each other, Scooterloo shrugging his shoulders. Apple Buck said, "Uh...We're playing..."

"Pirates," said Scoots.

Little Red laughed, saying, "Pirates, argh? Well, that's nice. You boys have fun."

And she went back to her work, packing apples into barrels and tossing them onto the wagon. The Crusaders all looked at each other again. Scooterloo frowned at Apple Buck, giving him a nudge. Apple Buck shook his head and raised his eyebrows. The pegasus just nodded, shoving him again.

The little cowpony, sporting his red bandanna, walked back up to his sister and said, "Hey, sis."

Little Red put the barrel she was holding back down and said, huffing, "Yeah, Buck? What d'you want?"

"Hey, sis," he said, "Do you know where any bricks are?"

She looked at him quizzically, arching a brow. This was...new. She said, slowly, "Why do you a brick?"

Apple Buck thought of something really quickly, saying, "A fort."

"A ship," said Scooterloo, jumping beside his friend and into the conversation.

"A ship," said Little Red, cautiously, "You need bricks...to make a ship..."

The two colts nodded their heads, vigorously. Buck said, "Yeah! A ship! We want to make a ship out of bricks."

Little Red didn't believe this one bit. She said, "Boys...Ships ain't made out of bricks. They're made out of wood. If they were made out of bricks, they wouldn't float."

Scooterloo said, "Yeah yeah. We know! But it's a pretend ship...and a fort."

"A fort," deadpanned Little Red.

"Yeah," said Apple Buck, "It's both, in one. We think it's a great idea."

"Why not just go pretend that your club house is a ship," said Little Red, "Your brother worked real hard to make that fort, when he was a little colt. Go play in it."

The two Crusaders looked at each. Scooterloo shrugged. Apple Buck said, "Because...we want two forts. One is our clubhouse. The other one is our ship..."

"Boys," said Little Red, turning back to her work, "You can't have any bricks."

Buck frowned, saying, "But WHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY-"

"Because I said so," she said, "It's dangerous. You could hurt yourselves or another pony."

Buck crossed his eyebrows, his frown turning from one of sadness to one of anger, saying, "But Red! We need bricks!"

"Apple Buck," she said sternly, turning back to him again, "You ain't gettin' no bricks! Now just go away and go play in your clubhouse! I'm busy!"

Sugar Beau began to turn around and walk outside, not wanting to get in trouble. Apple Buck stamped his hoof on the ground, saying, "But we need bricks, dammit! Just one! We-"

Little Red immediately went from perturbed to angry, saying, "Apple Buck! Don't talk that way to me, boy! I'm your big sister, and you will show me respect!"

Apple Buck stamped the ground more, saying, "But sis! We need some bricks! We-"

"Drop it, Apple Buck," said his sister, very sternly, "Go outside and play! Don't make me whup your ass! Go bother your brother, or something!"

The little cowpony relented somewhat, knowing that she would very well follow up on her threat. He turned to his friends, out of options and with nothing else to say to his big sister. He said, "Come on, guys. Let's go. We'll have to figure something else out."

"Dude," said Scooterloo, whining, "This fucking sucks. I-"

Little Red immediately turned on them again, furious. Snorting and kicking up a little bit of dust, she said, "Boys! That's enough out of you! Where'd you learn to talk like that!"

The three all looked at each, panic-stricken, including Sugar Beau, who hadn't made so much as a peep during the entire conversation. Apple Buck just looked at her, with pleading eyes. He said, "Well, Applejack-"

"Applejack!" she yelled, "That little rotten son of a bitch! I told him not to swear in front of the chilluns. It's bad for you!"

They all just looked at each other, feeling relief that the pressure was off of them and onto somepony else. Apple Buck said, "Yeah. But-"

"Tell me," said Little Red, trying to be calm, "Does Applejack really swear in front of you?"

"Yeah," said Apple Buck, "All the time. He-"

"That does it!" she yelled, "I'm going to go see him right now and show him exactly how I feel about him using bad language in front of his little brother!"

The little cowpony said, "Are you going to whup his ass?"

"Don't use that word," she said, "But yes. I am. He deserves it! Grandpa Smith wouldn't approve, either! Maybe I'll let him know all about everything Applejack's doin'."

And then she stormed off, leaving the barn as fast as she could and heading towards the Apple Family house. Her passage left plumes of dust, as she ran towards her younger (but not youngest) brother.

As soon as the storm settled, the boys were left in the barn, looking at each other. There were no words for a few minutes. All three of them were just silently thankful that none of them were the objects of her wrath. A bird chirped, singing on the door of the barn. The wind blowed.

Scooterloo said, "Dude, I think you just got your brother into some real trouble."

"Better him than us, right," retorted Apple Buck.

Sugar Beau just nodded vigorously, feeling guilty that they had gotten Applejack in trouble. He said, "She's not really gonna spank him, is she? Isn't he a little old for that?"

"Nah," said Apple Buck, "Grandpa Smith tells me all the time that I'll never be too old for whuppin's. I guess the same thing applies to Applejack."

"Well, that sucks," said Scooterloo, "What's the difference between a whuppin' and a spanking, anyway?"

Apple Buck shrugged his shoulders, saying, "I dunno. I've never been spanked before. Only whupped. I guess whuppin's are just...different. More harsh. And for grown-up ponies."

"Dude," said Scooterloo, "Your family's fucked up."

Apple Buck said, "Yeah. Sometimes, I guess. I don't really know. It's the only family I've ever had."

There was silence, again. Scooterloo looked around the barn, trying to find anything he could. After a few moments, he pointed toward a corner of the barn and said, "Hey! Look! Bricks! Just what we're looking for!"

The other two Crusaders looked over at what their friend was pointing at. Sure enough, there was a big stack of bricks resting in a corner of the barn. Beau frowned, his ears lowering. Apple Buck smiled widely, saying excitedly, "Oh boy! Good job, Scoots! You found some!"

Scooterloo ran over to the pile, saying, "Yeah! I know, right? This is so awesome! We got some bricks!"

"Yeah," said Apple Buck, running over to the pile, "We got us some bricks!"

The little pegasus picked a brick up off of the floor and held it up in the air. He said, "Crusaders! We have gotten ourselves a brick to commence soccer hooliganry with!"

Apple Buck cheered. Sugar Beau just sank closer to the ground, not wanting to have anything to do with any of this. He said, "H-hey guys. Can we just go play in the clubhouse, like Little Red said?"

"No way dude," said Scooterloo, "We finally got one! We're sure to get our cutie marks by the end of the day! Don't you want your cutie mark?"

"Well sure," said Beau, slowly, "But I don't want to break stuff to do it."

"Don't worry about it, worrywort," said Apple Buck, "It won't take long. Just a moment, and then we'll get our cutie marks."

Beau sank lower onto the ground, laying on it. He said, "Well...As long as it doesn't take too long..."

"Great," said Scooterloo, running to the entrance of the barn carrying his precious treasure, "Let's go! I can't wait to get my cutie mark!"

He ran out of the barn. Apple Buck followed, trying his best to keep up with his friend. Sugar Beau trailed the two of them, his tail drooping. He couldn't believe he was thinking this, at this point, but he really wished he was just back in his room at Elusive's, practicing the violin. That's all he wanted to do, right now, more than anything in the whole wide world. Just be in that room, safe and warm, not wrecking stuff or destroying things.

What would the cutie mark of a soccer hooligan look like, anyway?

The boys all ran away from the barn. It didn't have any windows, so they didn't have anything to throw their brick through. They had to go to the house to do that. It was the only building on their property that had glass windows, and it had a lot of them. There were so many places for them to try and get their new cutie marks.

Buck and Scoots almost skipped, they were so giddy and happy. Beau was much less excited, dragging himself along, just trying to keep up with his friends. As they came to the house, they ran along the side of it, lofting their prize high above their heads. Placing it gently upon the ground, the two mischief-makers in the party looked at it, beaming.

Nothing could spoil this moment. The silence wafting in the air was a reverent and solemn one. They both knew their destiny was at hand. By the end of the day, they would both be adults, grown ponies with their cutie marks. No more blank flanks. No more making-fun-of-them. They would all have cutie marks, and that would be the end of that.

Smiling at the brick, Apple Buck said, "Boy, Scoots. Did you ever imagine it would happen like this? With that?"

Scooterloo inhaled deeply, trying to breathe in the scents of this beautiful day. He said, "Nope, Buck. Nope. I never did. It's awesome, isn't it?"

Apple Buck nodded, saying, "Yep. It sure is. It's almost...magical, you know? Religious."

"Yep," said Scoots, "Sure is."

They both sat in silence, staring happily at their brick. Sugar Beau sat behind them, his tail wrapped around his flank; his ears drooped. He didn't like this, but he said nothing. He did, at heart, want his cutie mark, and as long as it was someone else throwing the brick, then he technically didn't destroy anything, right?

"Welp," said Scoots, turning to their quiet friend, "Time to throw the brick, Beau."

"What," said the little unicorn, his eyes widening with surprise, "Why me? Why do I have to throw it?"

"Because," said Apple Buck, "It was your idea."

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He pointed at Scooterloo, saying, "What?! No it wasn't! It was Scoots's idea! I don't want to have anything to do with this!"

Apple Buck picked up the brick and brought it over to his friend, dropping it in front of him. He said, "Don't be so modest! It's a great idea! I think you should have the honor of throwing our first brick as soccer hooligans!"

"Yeah," said Scooterloo, walking over, "Dude. It really is a great idea. You should have been leading us, all along. This is sure to get us our cutie marks."

"I don't want to throw the brick," said Sugar Beau, whining, "Why do I have to do it?"

"Because," said Apple Buck, "It was your-"

And then they all heard a noise. A door slamming, then some conversation. They were right outside the kitchen. Voices were heard, inside of it. All three of them fell completely silent, trying to listen as closely as they could to what was going inside. The voices rose in volume and pitch.

They could clearly hear Little Red. After a few moments, it was apparent that they were hearing Applejack, too. For a few minutes, the conversation was calm, but tense. Then, it exploded into screaming and yelling. Lots of yelling. Both of them. Scuffling followed shortly thereafter, and then the sounds of a fight could be heard. A nasty fight.

Somepony was thrown against the wall that the boys were watching, making the house shake some, sending some dust and leaves falling to the ground. Then, all they heard was Applejack screaming bloody murder, for several minutes. Little Red could be heard, yelling right back at him.

Then, the fight ended, and there was only silence.

All three of the Crusaders looked at each other, wide-eyed. Scooterloo said, "Dude, I think you really did get your brother in trouble! Little Red really did whup his ass."

Apple Buck cringed, trying to shrink in size. He said, "I didn't mean to! It was an accident!"

"Well dude," said Scoots, "It sounded pretty vicious. Does she ever whup your ass like that?"

Apple Buck's tail dove in-between his legs. He said, "No. She doesn't. Maybe whuppins get worse when you get older."

The three little colts thought about it, silently. There was no noise coming from inside the house. They all stared at it.

Scooterloo said, "Anyway. We have work to do. Beau has to throw that brick through a window."

The old fight erupted again, immediately. Suger Beau said, "But I don't want to!"

"Dude, you have to," said Scooterloo.

"Buck should do it," said the little unicorn, "It's his house!"

Apple Buck frowned, saying, "But...Uh..."

"Dude," said Scoots, "He's right. It's your house. Maybe you should do it. We can go to Elusive's, later. He can throw the brick, then."

The little cowpony looked at the brick, saying, "But I'll get in trouble..."

"You have to do it," said Scooterloo, "It's your house. And your idea."

Apple Buck frowned, his eyebrows crossing. He said, "No it wasn't, asshole. It was your idea!"

"Does it matter who's idea it is," said the little pegasus, "Just throw the damned brick."

The little cowpony walked up the brick, picking it up. He hefted it a couple times. He said, "It's sort of heavy. It'll go right through a window."

"Which is why you need to throw it," said Scoots.

Apple Buck looked at his house, staring at a closed window right above the kitchen. He said, "Won't that break it?"

"That's the point, isn't it," said Scooterloo.

"Well," said Apple Buck, trying to search for an excuse to not break a window in his own house, "Can't I open it? The books said they throw bricks through windows. It didn't say nothing about them being closed."

The pegasus scratched his chin, thinking. He said, "Yeah...I guess you're right. They didn't say anything about it being closed. I guess it would be okay to open it. Then the glass won't shatter, right? We can have our cake and eat it too."

Apple Buck smiled, saying, "Yeah! I'll go open the window, then we can throw the brick through it! Then we'll be real soccer hooligans!"

All three Crusaders jumped up, clapping hooves. Sugar Beau was happy that he wasn't the one who had to wreck stuff. They didn't have to destroy anything, and they would still get their cutie marks. This day was really looking up.

Apple Buck looked at them happily. He said, "All right. Now I'll go open the window. When I get back, I'll throw it. Okay?"

The other two nodded along. With his mission in mind, Buck walked to his house and opened the door, going inside. He was in the kitchen. Looking around, it was obvious that a fight had taken place here not long ago. Shivering a little, at the thought, he left as fast as he could and went upstairs, to the room with the window leading outside.

After traversing the stairs and coming to the room, he immediately realized that it was Applejack's room. Gulping, he put his hoof on the knob and slowly turned it. Waiting for a moment, listening to objections, he swung the door open.

The smell of the room billowed out. Apple Buck coughed, his senses being assaulted by the odor. Frowning and pinching his nose shut, he went inside. The air in the room was hazy, floating in the air. Liquor bottles littered the ground and any surface that they could stand on. The nightstand; the desk; a couple of shelves. They were all covered in empty cigarette packs and whiskey bottles.

Apple Buck said, "Dude. It smells like a volcano's ass crack in here."

Applejack was laying on his bed, smoking a cigarette. As soon as his little brother stepped into the room, he looked up. The little earth pony looked at his big brother, who had a very pronounced black eye.

Applejack said, "What're you doing in here?"

Buck frowned, stepping through the smoke and mess and towards the window. He said, "I'm just opening a window. There's no need-"

"Dude," said the big brother, "Why did you get me in trouble?"

"Huh," said Buck, trying to sound innocent.

AJ sat fully upright in his bed. He pointed towards his black eye with a hoof, saying, "You told Red that I swear in front of you! Why the hell did you tell her that?!"

Buck shrugged his shoulders, saying, "I dunno. Maybe it's because you do."

AJ glared at his little brother, his cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He said, "You didn't have to tell her that, asshole!"

Apple Buck frowned, stopping in his tracks as he tried to defend himself. He said, "You had to have been there, AJ. It was either you or me! Honest!"

Applejack swung his legs over the side of his bed, beginning to stand up. He said, "You little asshole! I'm gonna whup your ass!"

The little cowpony took a few nervous steps back, fiddling with his bandanna. He said, "Dude, no! AJ! It was an accident, I promise! It-it just slipped! Tweren't on purpose! I swear! I panicked!"

"And what the fuck did you think I did when she came at me in the kitchen, huh?" he asked.

Buck took a few more steps backwards away from his brother. He said, "It won't happen again! I promise! Just don't whup my ass!"

"Well," said the older brother, "Now she's watching me. Listening to me. You think I want that? You think I want Red listening to everything I say in front of you? Huh?"

Little Apple Buck stopped moving backwards. He suddenly had an idea. He said, "Well...I think you should calm down."

Applejack frowned, growing furious. He said, "What'd you say to me? I'm your older brother! Don't talk to me like that!"

"I'll tell Red on you, again," said Buck, threatening the older Apple.

AJ took a step back, his cigarette falling out of his mouth. He said, "You wouldn't dare! I'll tell on you for cussin'!"

"And then I'll blame it on you," said Buck, digging into his hooves, "She'll believe me! She'll say you're a bad influence!"

AJ gritted his teeth, mumbling to himself. He said, "You little dick! You wouldn't dare!"

The younger Apple fought back, taking steps forward. He said, "I will too! I swear! Don't you whup me! Red'll get after you again!"

Applejack sat back down his bed, fishing out another cigarette and lighting it. He said, "Fine, you little asshole. This ain't the end of this. I'll get you back. You just watch!"

Buck smiled, internally, very pleased with himself that he had actually managed to win one over on his big brother. He marched to the window, saying, "And let's air this room out! Jeez! It smells awful in here!"

"Fine. Whatever, asshole," said Applejack, eyeing his brother hatefully as the little Apple opened the window to the room.

Buck nodded at himself, proudly. This was going to be awesome. Turning around and walking out of the room, he said, "For your sake, I'll just pretend that this little conversation never took place, Applejack."

Applejack swore from his bed, saying, "Fine, you little asshole! Just get the fuck out of my room! This ain't over!"

The younger earth pony said nothing. He just left the room and closed the door behind himself. Jumping up into the air and clicking his hooves together, he rejoiced. That went perfectly. The window was open, and he didn't get his ass whupped in the process. Today couldn't be going any better.

Going back outside, Scooterloo and Sugar Beau were sitting under a tree. The ever-elusive and precious brick lay next to the pegasus. Scoots had never let it leave his sight, so previous was it.

As soon as they saw their friend leaving the house and walking back up to the them, the little pegasus jumped up off the ground and ran over to him.

He said, "Dude, are you all right?"

"Yeah," said Buck, "Why?"

"We heard a lot of yelling. We figured you got in trouble or something," said Scoots.

Apple Buck held his head up high with pride, draping a hoof over his chest. He said, "Nope. I took care of it. No trouble for me, today."

Scoots flapped his wings, jumping up in the air. He said, "Great! Then you can do the deed!"

Feeling as if he could do no wrong and as if no wrong could befall him, Apple Buck walked over to their precious prize. Staring at it happily for a moment, Scooterloo joined in with him.

"It...It's beautiful, ain't it?" said Buck.

Scoots nodded, saying, "Now come on. This is going to be totally fucking rad!"

Apple Buck nodded and picked the brick up. The wind rustled through his bandanna, tossling his hair. This was going to be the best throw of all time. He could feel it. He would make Applejack and Little Red proud of him. Starting with a brisk trot, he soon broke out into a full run. Moving as fast as he could down the hill towards his house, he wound up his throwing arm and tossed the brick as hard as he could.

It flew a few feet and planted itself into the ground.

Scoots walked over to it, Beau trailing behind him. All three of them looked at it. Beau turned to his earth pony friend and said, "Hey...Buck..."

"I know. I know," he said, "This thing's heavier than it looks. Let me try again."

He picked it up and went back to the top of the hill. Running down it again, he gave the brick another good heft, harder than before. It flew a feet further than before but fell well below its mark, falling into the grass again.

Embarrassed, Buck just looked at the brick and said, "This is bullshit. This thing's really heavy, guys."

"Nah man," said Scooterloo, "You just have to try harder."

The earth pony turned on him, saying, "Well then why don't YOU try to throw it, Scooterloo? It ain't as easy as it looks!"

Giving his friend a pat on the shoulder, Scoots smiled arrogantly and said, "Okay, Buck. Let me show you how it's done."

Picking it up himself, he went to the same starting point that his friend had. Giving the same good run, he wound the brick up and threw it as hard as he could, towards the window. Just like Buck's throw, though, it fell short and hit the ground.

Swearing profusely, he grumbled and picked it up, trying again. Once again, it fell short.

The three Crusaders crowded around the brick, looking at it. There was dead silence. The only thing that could be heard was birds chirping, in the background.

"Dude," said Scoots, finally breaking the solemnity of the occasion, "This thing's heavier than it looks."

"I told you," said Apple Buck.

"Well," said the pegasus, "What are we going to do? We'll never get out cutie marks if we can't even throw a brick through a window."

"You try, Beau," said Buck, "You haven't tried yet."

Sugar Beau's ears flattened, his tail retreating to between his legs. He said, "But...I don't want to. Maybe we shouldn't do this. Maybe it's a sign. I think we should stop."

Scooterloo sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. Pointing a hoof towards the unicorn, he said, "Dude! What's your problem? You were excited about this earlier. Just throw the damned brick and get it over with. It won't kill anybody."

Beau looked at him pleadingly and said, "But, I don't-"

"Just throw the brick, Beau," said Buck, accusingly.

Beau looked at his two friends, his eyes flitting between them. He frowned, pouting. He said, "I don't want to."

Scoots let out a sound of disgust. He exploded, screaming, "Just throw the goddamned brick, Sugar Beau!"

"Yeah," screamed Buck, "Just throw the damned brick, asshole!"

He gave in, immediately. He couldn't stand hearing his only two friends in the whole-wide world yelling him. He immediately picked the brick up and gave it the hardest throw he could. Leaving his hoof, the flying projectile soared through the air, higher and faster than either of his two friends had been able to throw it. It sailed and sailed, as if it had been thrown by Solaris, himself.

The brick went right through the window and into Applejack's room.

Scooterloo and Apple Buck jumped up, cheering. The pegasus grabbed Beau, saying, "Dude! That was a hell of a throw! Good job!"

"Yeah, Beau," said Buck, nodding, "Good job!"

All three of them turned their heads and looked at their flanks. Waiting a few moments, all of them frowned when they realized nothing was appearing.

Sugar Beau crossed his eyebrows and looked at his pegasus friend, saying, "Scoots! You meanie-head! You said this would give us our cutie marks! I'm going to get in a lot of trouble for leaving Elusive's house! I've spent all day reading about hooligans, and I tried really hard to get that brick through the window! And we have NO CUTIE MARKS!"

Scoots took a few steps back, holding his hooves out in surrender. He said, "Dude, sorry. It's not my fault. Maybe we have to do it again! Or maybe we have to try something else! The day's not over yet."

Sugar Beau let out an aggravated grunt and said, "Let's just go get it. I just want to get this over with!"

Scoots started to protest, but Beau cut him off, saying, "No! You listen to me. All three of us are going into that house and getting that brick. All. Three. Of. Us. Do you understand?"

"Fine, dude," said Scoots, "Whatever. Let's just go get the damned brick."

Buck didn't dare say a word. Following Sugar Beau, all three of them walked up to the house and into the kitchen.

The kitchen was still in disorder. One of the chairs was flipped over, and all the contents on the kitchen table were all over the ground. Pictures hanging on the wall were crooked. Some of the paint was even chipped on the outside wall, where Applejack had been thrown against it.

Beau and Scoots looked around. The pegasus said, "Dude. What the hell happened in here?"

Buck shrugged, saying, "Red whupped Applejack's ass. Remember?"

Beau frowned, looking around still. His eyes were wide with panic. He said, "She did all of this?"

Buck nodded. Scooterloo just said, "Dude. Your sister's a hard ass!"

The earth pony said, "Yeah. I know. My brother's room is upstairs. Let's just go get the brick and get out of here."

Nodding along in agreement, the other two Crusaders followed their friend as he went upstairs and to AJ's door. Staring at it for a few moments, Buck shrugged his shoulders and knocked on the door.

There was no response.

Beau looked at Buck and said, "Do you think he's okay?"

"Yeah," said Buck, "He's fine. He's just pissed off at me, is all. Let's just go inside."

Reaching up with his hoof, he twisted the knob and opened the door. Smoke billowed out. The same stench assaulted their nostrils. Scooterloo pinched his shut, saying, "Dude, your brother's room smells like the ass crack of a volcano."

"I know," said the earth pony, "I know. That's why we need to make this quick."

And so they went inside.

Whiskey bottles still littered the floor, and the three colts started looking around the room for their prize. Almost immediately, Sugar Beau screamed. His two friends ran to him and saw him, pointing down at the ground with a hoof. Their eyes followed the path that his hoof pointed out, looking down to the ground.

Both of them inhaled sharply, out of dismay and surprise.

Applejack laid down on the ground, face down. The brick was right next to him. He didn't move or stir in the slightest.

Buck said, panicking, "Holy shit! I'm going to get in so much trouble!"

"Dude," said Scoots, panicking, himself, "What the fuck happened?!"

"Red's gonna kill me," said Buck again, "She's going to tan my hide and turn me into a toaster cozy or something!"

Beau just sat there, looking at Applejack. He turned to his friends, saying, "What're we going to do?"

"I don't know," said the pegasus, "I didn't make you brain Buck's brother with a brick!"

"Me?!" screamed Beau, pointing at himself, "I didn't even want to do this in the first place! Don't blame this on me!"

"But you threw the damned thing," said Scoots, "We didn't make you!"

"You're such a doodie-head," said Beau, becoming angry, "You DID make me throw it! This is your fault!"

"Holy shit," said Buck, still staring wide-eyed at his comatose brother, "Red's gonna kill me."

Scooterloo and Sugar Beau still fought. The former said, "But you could have just said 'no!'"

"I did say no," said Beau, screaming at the top of his lungs, "I just wanted to go home and play the stupid violin! I didn't want to come here and throw bricks at ponies!"

Scoots said, "Well I didn't throw it!"

"It's just as much your fault as mine," said Beau, sternly, "You're not just going to push this off on me!"

"Well," said Scoots, "What're we going to do?!"

Sugar Beau thought for a moment, scratching his chin. As much as he didn't want to, he knew what they had to do. It was the only thing they COULD do. They didn't have any options, save one.

"We have to tell an adult," said Beau.

Buck grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him. He said, "No! We can't tell an adult! We'll be murdered!"

Beau pushed his friend away, saying, "Well, that's the only thing-"

A voice called out from the hallway. A girl's voice. An adult, older, big, strong girl's voice. The last voice any of them wanted to hear.

"Boys," said Red, from outside the room, "What's all the screaming about?"

Buck panicked and ran over, slamming the door shut. He said, loudly, "Nothing! Nothing's wrong!"

Red walked right up to the outside of the door, saying, "It doesn't sound like it. What are y'all doing in Applejack's room?"

"Playing," said Scoots, trying to come up with something as fast as he could.

Outside the door, Red's eyes narrowed. She wasn't stupid. She said, "Playing, huh? Pirates? In AJ's room?"

The three Crusaders looked at each other in a panic. This was the end of the line, for them. They could feel it. This was the end.

Scoots said, "Yeah! Pirates! Arrr!"

There was just silence for a moment. Then, Red said, "Where's Applejack?"

"He's...he's...uh," said Buck, searching around the room, "Outside! He's outside!"

"No, he's not," said Red, "I saw him in there just a few minutes ago. Is he still in there?"

Buck said, "Nah, Red. Promise. He's outside."

"Buck," said Red, tired of playing this game with them, "Where's your brother? I'm coming in there."

Scoots and Beau both ran up to the door, pushing against it with all their might. Buck just panicked, screaming, "Ahaha! Yeah! You're right! He's right here, silly me! He's taking a nap, Red! Don't bother him!"

"He's what," said Red, not amused anymore, "He's taking a nap? Buck. Let me in."

The door knob jiggled and started to open. Scoots and Beau pushed up against it, forcing it closed again.

"Boys," said Red, "What's going on? Let me in there! Where's Applejack?"

"No," yelled Buck, "He's taking a nap. Don't come in!"

"He's not taking a nap, Buck, or you wouldn't be yelling," she said, "Let me in there!"

She tried to open the door again, but Scooterloo and Sugar Beau just pushed as hard as they could, closing it. She made another try, but it failed. The two little Crusaders refused to give way.

Then, there was silence. Dead silence. Scooterloo and Sugar Beau just looked at each other. Apple Buck paced around the room, hyperventilating. The little pegasus put his ear against the door, trying to listen outside. Hearing nothing, he turned to his friends and said, "Dudes! We did it! She's not there. She must have-"

And that's when it all ended. All of it. Obliterating the door entirely, Little Red kicked it down with all of the considerable strength that was contained in her little frame. It splintered and shattered, blowing up into a lot of small pieces as it was forcefully torn from its resting place. The little bits of wood and splinters flew into the air. The door frame cracked and splintered from the sudden use of force.

Scooterloo flew through the air, hitting the ground with a thud, holding his head. Sugar Beau panicked and squealed, running as fast he could and diving for cover under Applejack's bed.

Buck knew that his end had come. He wasn't going to fight it. He was just going to sit there and face his damnation, head on. There wasn't any sense in running away from it, now. It was too late, for all of that. It had been too late with Beau had managed to get the brick through the window, in the first place.

Little Red put her back two hooves on the ground again, walking through the destroyed door frame and into the room. She looked around, surveying the carnage. Her eyes were immediately drawn to Apple Buck, who sat on the ground next to his older brother.

She stomped over to him and said, frowning and glaring and kicking up bits of wood and debris. Looking down at the unconscious Applejack, she said, "Apple Buck!"

The little Apple Buck just looked up at her. He was unafraid. He'd always imagined this is what death must has felt like, and he was staring death right in the face. He said, "Yes, Red?"

"Don't you 'yes Red' me, young colt," she yelled, sternly, "Now, just what in the hell are you boys doing in here?! What did you do to Applejack?!"

Buck looked over at the brick, touching it with a hoof.

Red's eyes went wild with rage. She screamed, "YOU THREW A BRICK AT HIM?!"

Buck pouted, saying, "It was an accident."

Little Red looked at the open window. He pointed at it, saying, "So you threw a brick. Through that window?"

Buck nodded.

She said, "I told you that you couldn't have a damned brick, Apple Buck! You didn't listen to me, and now look what happened!"

Apple Buck looked at his brother then back at Red. He shrugged his shoulders, saying, "I'm sorry. It was an accident."

"Don't you shrug your shoulders at me, little man," she said, "And you're going to be sorry! All of you! Buck, you're grounded! I'll whup your ass later!"

She looked around the room, searching for the other two. Scooterloo had taken his cue from Sugar Beau, hiding under the bed. It only took moments for the scary big sister to find them hiding under there. Lifting up the sheets, she saw both of them, huddling together.

She glared at both of them, saying, "Boys! Come out from under there! I'm taking you both straight to your parents!"

Both of them came out, hesitantly, shaking and fearful. She shoved both of them towards the door. Turning her head to Apple Buck, she said, "Now go to your room, Buck! I'll deal with you, later."

As the other two Crusaders were ushered downstairs and out the house, the little pegasus leaned in to his friend and whispered, "Dude. Did you see those magazines?"

Beau simply looked at his friend and sighed, frowning. He said, "Not now, Scoots. Not now."

***

So, their adventure ended, for the day.

Scooterloo was taken to his parents' house. Little Red told them all about everything he did, and they both promised that he would receive his dues.

Sugar Beau was dropped back off with his brother, who promised to tell their mother and father about everything that happened.

Much to his chagrin, Buck was dealt with right when his sister got back home. He found sitting a difficult endeavor for the next week.

Applejack woke up a few hours later, in his own bed, with the worst headache of his life. Red took care of him for the rest of his day, and he was fine by the next morning.

For the rest of the day, Sugar Beau happily stayed in his room, practicing the violin. He was exceedingly pleased that the day's events were all over, even though he knew that he would get it when his parents came back from wherever they were. He hated practicing, but he didn't hate it half as much as trying to be a soccer hooligan. He would make sure they never tried anything that stupid, ever again.

Or at least, until the next time they tried to get their cutie marks.

That One Time in the Kitchen

Applejack smoked in his room and looked at magazines.

They weren't exactly the kinds of magazines you'd let a little colt look at, and his cigarettes weren't exactly something you'd give them, either. Neither was the booze. In fact, nothing in AJ's room was kid-friendly. The only thing a kid could appreciate, in his entire room, was his pappy's old guitar, but Applejack never let Apple Buck touch that, either.

He took a long swig from his beer bottle. The liquid had gone from refrigerator-cool to room-temperature a long time ago, but that didn't bother him. Good beer took on different qualities as it changed temperature, and he prided himself on being able to appreciate every single one. Turning the bottle fully upside-down, the rest of the alcohol drained into his mouth and down his throat.

Sighing contentedly and putting the empty bottle down on his nightstand, he took a big drag from his cigarette. He went back to his magazine, turning it sideways and letting a big pin-up fall out out it. The cowpony gave a sharp wolf whistle and said, "If only."

"Welp," he said, "Time for another beer."

It was a bright, happy day outside. Luckily, he didn't have to be out in any of it. Today was his day off, and he had spent the entirety of it loafing around in his room. This day was a day for him, just him. No friends. No interruptions. No nothing. He had even managed to go fishing that morning (one of his favorite things to do alone), although he hadn't caught anything.

Oh well. It was the effort that counted. Applejack walked over to his window and looked outside, snuffing out his cigarette in the ashtray that rested on the windowsill. He looked out over Sweet Apple Acres: his prison. It was a dreadful place, to him. The worst place on the planet.

He rested his head on his windowsill and stared out at the sun. If he could live his life again, he sure as hell wouldn't be here. A country singer. Or a guitarist for a country band (or a rock band; hell, he wasn't picky). That's what he really wanted to do. That's what he dreamed about. Not kicking apples out of trees or fixing the barn or repairing old fences. None of that.

Just music. That was his dream.

He liked to think, sometimes, that there was another Applejack out there, somewhere, somehow, that didn't work the farm. There was an Applejack that was happy with his life, one that didn't hate getting up every morning. Hopefully, that Applejack was a country singer.

Who cares, though? He let out a big sigh and looked down at the ground, outside. He saw his brother and friends, standing around a tree. Applejack squinted his eyes. They were all standing around, looking at something. It looked like a rock or something. Just stupid kids' stuff, he figured. No big deal.

He didn't care what Apple Buck and his friends did, as long as they didn't bother him. He just wanted peace. He just wanted quiet. That's all he wanted for the day.

That and a beer. He was out of them, in his room. That meant going down to the kitchen.

To the kitchen. AJ gave a big sigh and looked up at his ceiling. He hadn't wanted to leave his room, today. However, necessities were necessities, and he needed beer.

So, the cowpony put his hat on and left his room, making the short journey down the stairs and into the eating area. The fridge was on the left, as soon as he entered the room, and Applejack went right to it. Putting his hoof on the handle, the cowpony threw open the door with a whoosh, and he was immediately blasted by a wave of cold air.

A carton of eggs rested precariously on an old piece of tupperware that had been rotting in there for a few weeks. As soon as the door opened, they fell out, spilling all over the ground. With a series of small cracks, half the carton busted, emptying the contents of the eggs all over the floor.

"Shit," said Applejack, "Now I've got a fucking mess to clean up."

Fishing through the crowded fridge for what seemed like a calculated eternity, AJ could not find a beer. Swearing profusely, he told himself that he was going to talk to Red, next time he saw her, about putting his beer all the way in the back of the fridge. She did it because she didn't like the habit. She wasn't him, though, and the only thing he loved more than a good beer was his bottle in his room.

Finally, after searching and searching, the earth pony found his prize.

Pulling it out of the fridge, he touched it to his face, relishing in the coldness that it exuded. It was his last bottle; he'd have to go out to the liquor store later and buy some more. But he was going to enjoy this.

Oh, was he going to enjoy this.

That was when he heard a crashing noise, and he turned around to see the big sister of which he was just thinking about. She was sweaty, huffing, and puffing. An angry scowl covered her face.

"Hey, Red," he said, "What's up?"

"You son of a bitch!" she screamed.

Applejack stopped drinking his beer, mid-swig, and his eyes slowly panned over to the mess on the floor in front of the fridge.

He shrugged his shoulders, saying, "What? I was just about to clean it up. I only just made the damned mess. Calm-"

Red looked at the mess on the floor and then shook her head and snorted. "I'm not talking about some damned mess on the floor, idiot," she said, "I'm here to talk about Apple Buck."

"Why," said Applejack, arching a brow, "He's outside with his friends or something, right? What's that gotta do with me?"

"Well, he just informed me," she said, taking a single ponderous step forward with each word, "That YOU have been-"

He stuck his hooves out, warding her off, and crossed his eyebrows. Applejack said, "Now you wait just a damned minute, right there. I don't know what he told you, but it ain't true. I ain't done nothing to him, and if he says otherwise, he's lying. I've been in the house, all damned day. This is the first time I've even left my room since breakfast. He's been out playing with his friends. I-"

"Would you shut up. I know you've been in your room all day, jackass," she said.

Applejack frowned. Jackass. This time, though, it wasn't a term of endearment. He said, "So what're you crawling up my ass for?"

"Oh, I'm about to crawl up your ass," Red said, snorting and kicking her legs, "And when I do, I'm gonna buy me some property and build a house. I won't be leaving for weeks."

"What the hell did I do?" he screamed.

"You've been cussin' in front of Apple Buck and his friends!" she screamed back.

Applejack's eyes narrowed, and he straightened the hat on his head. That little asshole. That was their little secret. AJ tried to treat him like an adult, and this was what happened. Next time he saw that little bastard, he was really going to get him.

"Well, sometimes, yeah," said Applejack, not really able to defend himself, "What's the big fucking deal?"

"Applejack," she yelled, "What the hell have I told you about cussin' in front of Apple Buck? What the hell has Grandpa told you about cussin' in front of Apple Buck?"

He scratched his chin and gave a playful show of thinking, then he said, "Don't do it?"

"Yes! Don't do it! Now, you've got him cussin', too! He just swore at me, in the barn," she said.

"Well, whup his ass," said Applejack, "And he won't do it ever again."

"Grandpa whupped your ass plenty, growin' up, and you still cuss," she said, beginning to circle around her brother, "You're the most foul-mouthed, uncouth-"

"Uncouth," he said, arching an eyebrow, "What's that mean?"

Little Red sighed and hung her head, saying, "It means 'uncivil.' You know, bad-mannered?"

Applejack felt his stomach rumble, and then he let out a belch.

"Exactly," said Red, "Just like that. Anyway, you're the most foul-mouthed, uncouth little pony I have ever met, aside from your friend Rainbow Blitz."

"Hey hey hey, now," said the younger Apple, pointing his beer at his sister, "You leave my friends out of this! Rainbow's a fine feller!"

"Are you kidding me," she dead-panned, flat-faced, "He's annoying, and he's creepy. Whenever we're around each other, he always leers at me. I don't like him."

"Well," said AJ, desperately trying to come up with any words he could to defend his friend, "In his defense, he does that to every girl he meets. It's nothing personal."

"Oh bullshit," said Red, "He's a fucking creep. He can't get a girlfriend, so he just spends all of this time telling himself he's awesome and chasing any skirt his eyes can get ahold of."

"Well...That's...Uh," said Applejack, stuttering, "All my other friends are fine!"

Little Red took a few more hard, threatening steps towards her brother, saying, "Well, I ain't bitching about your other friends, now am I? I'm bitching about you. And Rainbow Blitz. Mostly you."

"Why? I didn't fucking do nothing," he said.

"You swear in front of Apple Buck. I don't care why. I don't care when. I just want you to stop. He's picking up bad habits, and it's spreading to his friends. His little friend Scooterloo swore in the barn, too," said Red.

"I still don't see why the fuck this is my fault," said Applejack, exasperated and throwing his hooves into the air, "They probably picked those words up at school! Kids're cussin' younger and younger, these days. It's the damned Internet's fault. Don't blame me-"

"No, you asshole," said Red, putting her face right up to Applejack's, "I ain't gonna blame the Internet! You need to-"

"You cuss too," said Applejack, quickly, "And sometimes you slip in front of him. Grandpa, too. This ain't all my fault, is all I'm saying. Yeah, sometimes I do swear in front of my brother, but that's what brothers do. We pal around with each other. He's twelve, for fuck's sake; he's growing up. I'm going to start treating him like an adult!"

Red got out of her face, narrowing her eyes. She thought very carefully about her next words, working them out in her head. Then, she said, "Well, fine. I'm sorry. You're right. I'll stop, if you'll stop."

"Yeah," said Applejack, making a promise he was sure he wasn't going to be able to keep, "I'll stop, if you'll stop. I promise."

Little Red walked over to the table and sat down, exhaling heavily. She put her head on her hooves and stared off into space, saying, "Sorry I got so mad at you. I just get worked up over Buck."

Applejack pulled a chair out at the same table and sat down across from her. He said, "Yeah, yeah. I know. You're just watching out for him, is all."

She nodded, saying, "He's just a youngun, AJ. He's got such a bright future ahead of him. I just want him to grow up to be something is all, you know? I want him to grow up doing something besides..."

"Working on the farm all damned day," said AJ, pulling out a cigarette and putting it in his mouth, "Yeah. I know what you mean."

He took out his lighter and flipped the switch, igniting it. It slowly drifted to his face, when Red's expression went cross again. Her eyes became like fire, and she said, "Applejack. Don't you dare light that cigarette in here. You keep your nasty habits out of this kitchen. If you don't, I swear to Solaris I will whup your-"

Applejack immediately dropped the lighter and cigarette, holding his hooves out in the air. The two offensive items fell harmlessly to the table, for all to see. He said, "See? See? Sorry. I ain't lighting shit. Calm down."

She sat straight up, pointing a hoof at him and saying, "I don't like it when you tell me to 'calm down.' It's disrespectful."

Applejack rolled his eyes, wanting to tell her to blow it out her ass. They never had that kind of relationship, not the kind that her and little Buck have, now. Red slammed the table, saying, "Don't you roll your eyes at me! I'm your big sister!"

"Yeah," said Applejack, sitting up straight, himself, "You're my big sister, not my fucking mother! Just lay off, why don't you?! You're all the time getting on to me or yelling at me! For nothing! I'm an adult, for fuck's sake, and you ain't much older than me. How about YOU start treating ME with some respect!"

"Well if you're so goddamned grown-up," said Red, standing up, "Why don't you start fucking acting like it! All you do all day is hang out with your friends or masturbate in your room and drink and smoke! Us REAL adults-"

"Oh fuck you," screamed Applejack, jumping up out of his seat and knocking his chair down, "I AM a real adult, bitch! I work hard and bust my ass and sweat and cry and bleed just like you fucking do! Don't you fucking sit there on your goddamned ass and fucking tell me that I'm not an adult!"

Little Red's eyes narrowed, but she said nothing. She just ground her teeth and clenched her jaw, trying to think about what to say next. She took deep breaths, letting the air go in. And go out. In. And out. Several times, trying to calm down. A real fight was about to break out. She could feel the tension in the air; it was palpable, like something that could be felt.

She sat back down in her chair, saying, "Applejack. Calm down. I don't want to fight; I'm tired of it. Let's just calm down and relax. You're right. You're an adult. I'm an adult. We're both adults. Let's just stop fighting. It ain't gonna do us any good."

Applejack sat back down, himself. He tried to calm down, too. She was right. This was only going to end with him getting his ass beat (she was stronger than he was). He said, "Well...yeah. Okay. Yeah. We ain't fighting right now. I'm sorry."

Little Red smiled and said, "Yeah. I'm sorry, too."

Then she stood up, saying, "Well. We both agree to stop swearing in front of Buck, and hopefully he'll stop swearing to. You, know, AJ, he really looks up to you. He emulates you. I've seen it."

AJ blushed a little, hiding under his hat a little. He said, "Nah. No he doesn't. That boy's got a mind of his own."

Red laughed, saying, "Yes he does, too. He does emulate you; he copies you. I swear. I've seen him do it more than once. I think that if you stopped swearing, he'd stop too. Just give it a thought."

Applejack felt a pang of guilt. Did his little brother really look up to him that much? No one looked up to him, not ever. He was an uneducated, nicotine-addicted drunk. No one looked up to people like him. But Apple Buck did; that's what Red was telling him. Was Buck going to turn out like him? He felt his heart stop. He'd kill himself if his little brother turned out to be some worthless farmhand, like him.

Red opened the door outside and began to step outside of it, saying, "Well, I'm getting back to work. Do you mind watching Buck tonight? I'm going over to my boyfriend's house to-"

Applejack was immediately and violently torn out of his contemplative monologue. The worry and concern he had for his brother shriveled up and crinkled up like a raisin, then was lost altogether. He turned to his sister. His mouth blankly formed the words, "What'd you say?"

Red stopped in the doorstep, saying, "I'm going to my boyfriend's, later. You need to watch Buck. He's not staying at a friend's-"

AJ stood up out of his chair, saying, "You're going to your BOYFRIEND'S house?!"

The older Apple frowned and crossed her eyebrows, saying, "Yes. My boyfriend's. I have a boyfriend, AJ. He has a house. I'm going to it. Tonight. After the sun goes down."

He crossed his eyebrows and said, "The hell you are."

Red's eyebrows crossed, too, and she stepped back into the kitchen, letting the door close. She said, "And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Why do you have a boyfriend," said Applejack, fully standing up and walking toward his sister.

"Why do I need a reason? Why don't you have a girlfriend," said Red.

Applejack ignored her second question, just deciding to zero in on the first. He said, "We ain't talking about me. We're talking about you. Why do you have a boyfriend?"

"We're not having this conversation right now. I'm busy. I have a ton of work to do in the barn," she said, starting to walk back out.

Her brother ran over to the door and slammed it shut, blocking it with his body. He said, "No. We are having this conversation. We're having it right now. Is that a problem?"

Red's eyes narrowed, and she put her face right up to his, so close that she could smell his cigarette breath. She said, "You're about to have a problem, in a minute."

"I already have a problem," he said, "You're dating some asshole."

"He ain't an asshole," said Red, fully taken aback by the way her brother was acting, "You don't even know who it is-"

"Every guy you've ever dated has been an asshole," said AJ, "I don't see why-"

"Would you just back off," she said, snarling, "Why do you care so much, anyway?"

"Because you're my sister," he said, "And I want to watch after-"

"Well, you don't have to watch after shit," she said, "I can watch after myself."

"Obviously not, because you're dating some-"

"Why in the hell do you care so much about who I decide to date," she screamed, completely fed up with the way he was acting.

Applejack frowned and said, "Because...Because..." His eyes went downcast. He didn't know why. He just did.

"Because I just do," he said.

"Well, stop. I hate it. You've always acted this way every time I've ever brought a boy home," said Red, stamping her hooves on the ground.

Applejack was forced to pause. Did he, really? Did he really act this way? Every time? He shook his head. Nah. Not every time. Just whenever she brought an asshole home, which is what he suspected this guy was.

He said, "Who is it? This is a small town. I might know the motherfucker."

"I'm not telling," she said, shaking her head.

"Tell me, dammit," said AJ.

Red shook her head, saying, "No. I ain't gonna."

"Tell me," said Applejack, bracing himself in the doorframe, "Or I ain't moving from this door."

"Fine," said Red, snorting, "His name's Cheery Lee. He's-"

Applejack's jaw nearly fell to the floor. He said, "The schoolteacher? Buck's teacher? You're shitting me. Why the fuck are you dating that fairy?"

Her eyebrows crossed, and she said, "Don't call him that. Don't you call him names. And yes. Him. The schoolteacher. Cheery Lee."

"Why," was all that AJ could think to say.

"Because," said Red, blushing, "He's smart."

"So," said Applejack, trying to spring back into action, "So is Dusk Shine. You've never tried to jump down his pants."

That was when the first blow came. Red brought a hoof down, right onto Applejack's face. She wasn't a big girl, but she was strong. Very strong. The strongest pony that Applejack knew. The blow hurt, making him recoil and fall down a few inches. His hat fell off of his head.

He rubbed his cheek and looked up at his furious sister, saying, "Hey! What'd you hit me for!"

"Because you're being an asshole," she said, "Lee is a perfect gentleman. He has not even so much as laid a hoof on me."

"Then why are you dating him," asked AJ.

Her eyes narrowed again, and she said, "Are you calling me a whore?"

Applejack gulped, not quite ready to fight, yet, "No. I'm just...curious as to why you started dating again. It's been a long time, Red. Why now?"

She blushed, saying, "Because I'm lonely, AJ. I ain't getting any younger. I need a man in my life."

"Why him, though? Why Buck's teacher?" asked the younger Apple.

"Because he's smart. And kind. And shy. I like him, AJ," said Red, "Is that a problem?"

"Well, fuck yes that's a problem. I don't like you dating Buck's teacher. What are folks supposed to think," said Applejack.

Red got right back into his face again, saying, "What are folks supposed to think? Why would I give a single fuck about what 'folks are supposed to think'? What are folks supposed to think about you? Drinking and smoking all the time?"

Applejack frowned, saying, "Don't turn this around on me-"

"Well, there's no need for you to be so nasty," said Red.

"I ain't being nasty," he said.

"You are too," she said, "And I'm tired of it. I like Lee, and we're dating, and you ain't gonna stop that. You said I ain't your mother, right? Treat you like an adult? Well, you ain't pappy. And you need to treat ME like an adult."

Applejack was speechless. He said, "Well, I'm going to go find this asshole and show him what I think about-"

"The HELL you are," screamed Red, stomping hard on the ground.

Applejack did not relent. He kept on, saying, "I'm going to go find him and show him a piece of my mind. No faggot-ass like that is going to date my sister. Especially not a faggot like-"

Red went at him. She hit him again, screaming, "Don't you call him names, AJ! And don't you dare go pick a fight with my boyfriend over your bullshit! If I hear that you've laid so much as a hoof on him, I'm going to whup your ass!"

Applejack did not retaliate. He just wiped his cheek and said, "Well then, bitch, you'd better whup my ass right now, because I'm headed over to that asshole's house-"

Red had had enough. Completely losing her cool, she took another swing at him, which he dodged altogether. Then the fight broke out in its entirety. Red slammed her brother up against the door, almost tearing it down, and then they both fell to the ground, kicking and screaming.

It was quite the din. It could be heard outside, by the boys. They heard all of it. All of the screaming and the yelling. All the punching and kicking. As tough as Applejack was, he wasn't as tough as his big sister, who very quickly overtook him and showed him what a real whupping was.

Chairs and tables were upturned. Red even found the strength to throw her brother up against the wall, at one point. All-in-all, it didn't last very long. After a couple minutes, Applejack couldn't last any longer. It was a new record for him. Tired of being pummeled, he just fell to the ground, half-conscious.

Still as angry as she had ever been in her entire life, Red at least had enough sisterly love in her body to drag her comatose brother to his room and toss him into bed.

Looking around at the mess in his, Red just shook her head and wiped a tear from her cheek. Is that what this family was coming to? Fighting? About nothing?

About to leave the room, she looked at her brother and trotted over to him, tossing his blanket over him. She leaned over and gave him a kiss on his forehead.

"I love you, Applejack," she whispered.

Then she walked out of the room and closed the door. It was time to see what the boys were up to.