Author's Note

!!!WARNING!!!

If you are easily offended or grossed out, you may wish to skip this chapter as it will be based around the MLP version of Cards Against Humanity, quite possibly the most offensive and disgusting game of all time.

Awesome new card game (Kara)

So, today was pretty damn fun. I got introduced to a strange being named "Discord", and trust me when I say he's quite a character. I think he may just be my new best friend. Anyway, so mom and I got introduced to an amazing card game today, and it's called "Cards Against Equestrians". What it is, is a card game which shows just how fucked up and twisted you can be. How it works is that everybody draws ten white cards to mess with. The card queen then draws one black card, reads it out loud, and then lays it down, and everybody else has to pick a white card that makes what the card queen thinks makes the most fucked up and/or hilarious sentence. Whoever reaches ten points first wins. It's really fun, and I learned a LOT about everybody today... even things I'd rather forget, but whatever...

Anyway, so it started out with Discord being the card queen (Or king as he said he preferred).

"Congratulations _____, you're the new _____," He said before laying the card down, "The card on the bottom will the first read, just so you girls know".

I looked through my hand to see what I could best use. After deciding on a combo, I laid my two cards down. After everyone hyad their choices made, Discord went around and read each one.

"Congratulations Derpy Hooves, you're the new Discord dancing on my head," He said with a slight frown, "Sorry Ditzy, but only I can dance on heads and get away with it".

"Congratulations Octavia, you're the new worst pony," He said with a chuckle, "Oh dear me, that's a good one".

"Congratulations Sweetie Bot, you're the new best pony," He said.

"I honestly don't know where the rumor that my sister is secretly a robot, but I can assure you it is most certainly untrue," Rarity said, "However, I just couldn't resist playing it there, it make perfect sense".

"I can turn her into a robot for a day if you want," Discord offered.

"No thank you," Rarity retorted.

"Your loss," Discord said, "Anyway... congratulations Pinkie Pie in full latex, you're Fluttershy's new secret stash".

"Sorry Fluttershy, you know Rainbow doesn't like to share very often," Pinkie Pie said.

"Eh, I'd probably allow that if I could video tape it," Rainbow said sarcastically.

"Moving right on along," Discord said, picking up mom's cards, "Congratulations Mi amore Cadenza, you're the new sloppy clop. Well, damn Twilight, let us know how you really feel".

"Nobody wants that, trust me," I said.

"Anyway... congratulations Princess Celestia... oh, this is gonna be good," Discord said, "Anyway, it seems that Celly is Daring Do's new daring dong... oh well, now... that's certainly a nice new occupation for her".

And last was my cards.

"And lastly, the hybrid daughter of the new Twilight Sparkle," Discord said, "Congratulations Sunset Shimmer in Succubus form, you're the new Nightmare Moon. Oh wow, that's... well, this is off to an amazing start. I'd have to say Applejack wins that round for sure though, I do so love cards that talk about Celly in embarrassing situations".

I had no idea who Sunset Shimmer was at the time, but it was the only thing that made sense to me. Anyway, the next round started after Applejack got her black card and everybody drew two new white cards. It was now Pinkie Pie's turn to be the card queen.

"For her next trick, the Great and Powerful Trixie gives you _____," She said, laying the card down.

Oh, Trixie... I still hate that mare for what she did to mom. I went all out that round.

"So, Trixie will give us a scorching case of the cutie pox for her next trick," Pinkie said, "Yea, I can honestly believe that".

"Her next trick after the cutie pox will be to give us... oh... wow Rarity," Pinkie said, "You actually think Trixie can keep Granny Smith horny long enough for one of her shows?"

"Rarity, you need help," Applejack said.

"It was the best I could come up with," Rarity said defensively.

"Right, anyway... so Trixie's next trick after that will be to give us... Hitting close to home there, Fluttershy," Pinkie said, her mane and tail going flat. I hear that's a REALLY bad sign of things to come.

"Please don't hate me," Fluttershy said, "I couldn't come up with anything else to fit her personality".

"Right... well, Scootabuse is... that's almost too far," Pinkie said, "Anyway... moving on. Trixie's hopefully not so dark next trick will be to give us... Unicorn racial superiority... yea, that sounds like Trixie".

"And for her next Trick, Trixie will give Applejack... oh, oh dear... oh my," Pinkie said, her mane and tail poofing back up as she tried to contain her inevitable laughter, "Twilight's secret clop stash... oh, wow Applejack... I didn't know you were into that kinda thing, but maybe Trixie will give it to you if you ask nicely".

"It's kinda hard to have a secret stash like that," Mom said, "The hivemind sees to that".

"Eh, something tells me it'd be almost all about books anyway," Applejack said.

"Anyway, so for her next trick, Trixie will give Kara, Sweetie Belle's virgin marshmallow pussy," Pinkie said, bursting out into uncontrollable laughter.

"I knew you were friends, but not THAT close of friends," Mom teased.

"Even if they were, I have to break your heart and inform you that Sweetie lost her virginity back when she started dating Rumble," Rarity said.

At this point, I couldn't have possibly gotten any more red.

"And f-f-for her last t-trick, Trixie will give Discord p-p-pony racism," Pinkie said, trying to stop laughing.

"Sounds about right fer her," Applejack said.

After that bout ended, a new black card was drawn by Rainbow Dash. Oh, and I got the point that time.

"Once upon a time, Equestria was ruled by _____ and _____," She said, "Welp, this going to be a boring round".

Nothing good for me that turn, so I just put out what sounded ok.

"Alright, so once upon a time, Equestria was ruled by Tirek and exploding Pinkie Pie clones," Rainbow said, "That's... alright".

"Once upon a time, Equestria was ruled by anthro Luna and dat plot," Rainbow said, "Ok, I could live in that Equestria".

At that, Pinkie took a rubber duck out of her mane (Yea... don't ask) and tossed it at Rainbow's head.

"I wouldn't act on it... I'd just... you know, stare a little maybe," Rainbow said, "Anyway, so once upon a time, Equestria was ruled by Princess Molestia... oookkk, and uh also by two fillies shitting into a bucket. Sweet Celestia, Twi, you're messed up".

"I take pride in that," Mom said.

"Right, so once upon a time, Equestria was ruled by Rainbow Crash, OH COME ON!" Rainbow said, almost yelling, "Am I ever going to get away from that?"

"Not as long as it exists on that card," Applejack pointed out.

"Anyway... it was also ruled by lesbians," Rainbow said, "And according to Kara, Equestria was once ruled by alicorn princess Derpy Hooves... ok, that's scary".

"That would kinda explain how she survives everything she does that's dangerous," Applejack said.

"True, but anyway... she ruled alongside Fluttertree," Rainbow said, "I forgot that was a thing".

"So, according to Discord, Equestria was once ruled by the pegasus master race, oh yea!" Rainbow said before bumping her hoof against Discord's right claw, "And also by Hasbro's corporate dickery. Are you ever going to explain who Hasbro is?"

"I'm afraid I can't, it would break the universe," Discord explained.

"And you don't ALREADY do that on a daily basis?" Rainbow asked.

"I twist it, but I've never broken it," Discord explained.

"Right, anyway... so according to Pinkie, Equestria was once ruled by Steven Magnets and the chocolate mouse moose," Rainbow said, "Go figure, you'd get the chocolate card".

"We of course, I'm just awesome like that," Pinkie said, "Also, it's pronounced mousse, not mouse".

"Whatever, the point goes to Discord for calling us pegasi the master race," Rainbow said.

"How did ah know that one would win?" Applejack asked sarcastically.

"Is there supposed to be a pattern like this?" Mom asked, "All three winners so far have been right beside each other, in turn order. Is that supposed to happen?"

"That's just how it goes sometimes," Discord said, "Don't worry, though, you'll get a point eventually... maybe".

"When Spike is asleep, Twilight likes to read books about _____," Rarity said.

"This is ALWAYS a good one," Rainbow called out.

Mom hated my card.

"So, Twilight likes to read books about... wincest?" Rarity said, arching an eyebrow at the end, "Alright, well according to herself, she likes to read books about... books. I feel like I shouldn't be surprised about that one".

"It makes sense though," Mom said, "The old me probably did that from time to time".

"I'd believe it," Rainbow said.

"Yes, well... Applejack thinks she reads about the... rainbow factory?" Rarity asked, "Well, that got really dark, really quick".

"How is that dark?" I asked.

"The rainbow factory was a factory up in Cloudsdale where rainbows were created from the blood of ponies forced to sacrifice themselves," Rainbow explained, "Princess Celestia saw to it's destruction, but it's never been forgotten".

"I guess it really isn't sunshine and rainbows here after all," Mom said.

"Yes well... let's what you think your mom likes to read, shall we?" Rarity asked, picking up my card, "Books about a human fetish? Well then..."

"Um, yea... no," Mom said.

"So, Discord thinks Twilight reads about a plush Lyra sex slave? Hmm, kinky," Rarity said, lightly licking her muzzle, "Pinkie here thinks Twilight likes to read about a mare in heat. Well, she did have a husband, so I doubt it".

"I never ever said that's anything wrong with lesbian love," Mom said.

"It can make for an interesting read as long as it's well written, I suppose," Rarity said, "Anyway, Rainbow seems to think you read about the evil at the core of Angel's black, black heart".

"Angel wasn't evil," Fluttershy said, starting to tear up.

"He could be when you weren't around," Rainbow said, "Hay, he lead the charge to tie me up in a kettle to roast me once".

"I'd have paid to see that," I said, giggling.

"Yes well, I'd have to give Discord that one," Rarity said, giving Discord the black card.

"What is Fillydelphia's biggest export?" Fluttershy asked.

"Dash and Pinkie, yall are gonna hate me fer this," Applejack said, "But it's all I have".

"Well, let's see what Fillydelphia exports," Fluttershy said, picking up mom's card, "O-or-or-orphaned foals, I sincerely hope they don't deal in that".

"It's Manehattan that's got that rep, sadly," Rarity admitted.

"Wait! That actually happens?" Mom asked, eyes going wide as saucers.

"The guard does it's best to keep on top of it all, but they can only do so much," Rarity explained.

"And I thought this world couldn't get any more fucked up," Mom said.

"Can we move on, now?" Fluttershy asked, picking up Applejack's card, "Futaloo is apparently Fillydelphia's biggest export".

"What's that?" I asked.

"Scootaloo is the most well known Futanari, or a pony with both sex's reproductive organs functioning at the same time," Rainbow explained, "She's gotten used to it now, but still... that was low".

Ah said ya'd hate me fer it," Applejack said.

I finally decided to ask why Rainbow and Pinkie would get more upset than anybody else. Turns out, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow are married and Scoots is their adopted daughter, so that's why neither of them like ponies talking about her like that.

"Let's not hate each other, if possible," Fluttershy said, picking up my card, "So, Kara says that Fillydelphia exports Twilight's secret stash of slash fics".

"I wouldn't consider it to be very secret if a had one," Mom said.

"Discord says it's actually Daring Do fanfiction instead," Fluttershy said.

"Then why ain't Rainbow living there?" Applejack asked jokingly.

"I don't need other's fanfiction, I got my own," Rainbow said.

"That, I gotta see," Applejack said.

"Anyway, it seems Pinkie thinks they export that Lyra plushie," Fluttershy said, "Um... which one?"

"Twilight's plush sex slave, of course," Pinkie said, causing the whole table to burst out laughing.

She's not called the element of laughter for nothing.

"And Rainbow says the biggest export is... Pinkamena's hacksaw?" Fluttershy said with a total lack of understanding.

"There's a really dark story out there called 'The dark side of cupcake design' that involves Pinkie hacking ponies apart to make her cupcakes," Rainbow explained, "Perhaps she gets all her hacksaws from Fillydelphia".

"Seriously? Somepony actually wrote that about me?" Pinkie asked.

"It's dark as Tartarus, but it's a pretty interesting read," Rainbow admitted, "You might even actually enjoy reading it if you give it a shot".

"Yes, well... let's see what Rarity says they export now," Fluttershy said, "Sexy pony socks. That's a nice way to end my turn, I guess. Let's see... I'd have to say that one wins".

Rarity grabbed the black card and everybody got ready for the next turn. Mom drew the next black card.

"_____ just earned their cutie mark! It's _____," She said, "Gah, I have the perfect combination for this!"

"That's normally how it happens," Rainbow said, "It's either on your turn, or you played the perfect card the last turn".

"That's annoying as Tartarus," Mom said, "Anyway, so Rarity just got a cutie mark of Futashy's dripping futa cock... uh, ok..."

Hilariously enough, that got Fluttershy to eep and reach down as if to cover something up... yea, don't wanna know.

"According to Kara, Twist got a cutie mark of a sexy saddle," Mom said, "Something you wanna tell me?"

"I swear, it's not like that!" I almost yelled out defensively.

"And Discord says that Sweetie Belle got a cutie mark of Joe's donut hole," Mom said.

"Good try, but she hates doughnuts," Rarity said, "I'll give you an E for effort, though".

"And according to Pinkie Pie, Lyra Heartstrings got a cutie mark of Pinkie staring at you through the fourth wall," Mom said, "Why do I get the feeling that's a reference to something?"

"Pinkie does have a knack for breaking the fourth wall of reality," Discord said, "How she keeps everything existing, I have no idea, but it happens".

"Right, not going to question it any further," Mom said, "Rainbow seems to think that your pony waifu, whatever that means, got a cutie mark of a giant horse cock".

"It could happen," Rainbow said, "I mean, a waifu is a mare that another pony has a huge crush on".

"Ok, well I'll add that to my vocabulary I suppose," Mom said, "Anyway, according to Rarity, I got my cutie mark in magic. Huh, one that's actually true for sure".

"That's what your cutie mark was for last time, so that's why I played that," Rarity explained.

"Funny how things happen like that," Mom said, "Anyway, last pony to get their cutie mark is Fluttershy, who has a cutie mark of Zecora's meth lab. That'd fit Pinkie more, actually".

After that, Rarity got the point for being so accurate and telling mom a bit about her past self.

"Oh, this is going ta be funny," Applejack said, "What does Prince Blueblood's cutie mark represent?"

"He's not a prince anymore, he's a servant now since he couldn't keep his trap shut about our hive," I explained.

"Humpf, serves him right," Rarity said.

"Indeed it does," Applejack said, "Now let's see... his cutie mark represents being trapped on da moon fer a thousand years. Yea, if only".

"According ta Discord, his cutie mark represents a fridge full of whipped cream," Applejack said, "Well, if ya'll are into dat kind a thing, ah suppose it'd be true fer ya".

"With how much he sold himself for once, I'm surprised he got any to be honest," Discord said.

"Yer kidding, right?" Applejack asked.

"Not at all," Discord said, "Ten thousand bits for an hour, it was ridiculous. And a few filthy rich mares actually paid up, if you can believe it".

"Ah can, actually," Applejack said, "But anyway, Pinkie says his cutie mark represents all three hundred and sixty five volumes of Twi's schedule fer da week".

"Was I really that bad?" Mom asked.

"Ya could be right insufferable with those checklists of yours," Applejack admitted, "But more on that later. According ta Rainbow, his cutie mark represents making magic. Well, he IS a unicorn".

"According ta Rarity, it represents Fluttershy's alternative modeling," Applejack said, "Wow, poor Fluttershy".

"It was all I had to work with," Rarity admitted.

"Fair enough," Applejack said, "Speaking of Fluttershy, she says his cutie mark represents a juice box fetish. Why do I find that ridiculously easy to believe?"

"If it's not super rich mares, a juice box is probably all he can get to go to bed with him," I said, causing another outburst of laughter that lasted a good five or so minutes.

"Ok, THAT was perfect," Applejack said, "Ah kinda want ta give ya da point just fer that. Let's see Twi's card first, though. It says having hot sex with Bloomburg. Eh, I don't see that".

After that, we took a vote, and everybody agreed I should get the point for my remark. Anyway, it was my turn, then.

"I just found out the mysterious Mare-do-well's secret, and it's _____," I said, "Give me some good ones".

After everybody placed down their cards, I picked up Discords to start the final turn of the round.

"Mare-do-well's secret is being a changeling," I said, "Woo, score one for the changelings!"

"Anyway, her secret also appears to be Derpy's hypnotic stare," I said, "Sounds kinda scary, actually".

"It can be," Pinkie said.

"Anyway, let's see what Rainbow found out," I said, "Apparently, her secret also includes Chocolate rain. Sounds fun".

"I miss the chocolate rain," Pinkie said, "Last time we got it was when we first met Discord".

"I remember that day as if it were yesterday," Discord said, "Oh, what fun times we had back then".

"You were also evil back then, and we had to seal you in stone," Rainbow pointed out.

"I am aware, but still," Discord said.

"Anyway... Rarity found out the secret that is Pinkie Pie," I said.

"Oddly fitting seeing as how she WAS one of the ponies playing as Mare-do-well," Rainbow said.

"According to Fluttershy, one of her secrets is shaking that plot," I said, "That could help, I guess".

"Mom says her secret is Rarity's whining," I said, "I've never heard you whine, Rarity, so I can't tell how true that would be".

"I only do it to get out of particularly bad situations," Rarity said, "It helps a ton when you're the slave of a pack of diamond dogs".

"I'll just take your word on that," I said before picking up Applejack's card, "Applejack says her secret is a hoof in the ass".

"A good ol' fashioned hoof right to da ass will fix almost every problem out there with a pony," Applejack pointed out.

I gave the point to Discord simply because of him playing the changeling card. And so, he ended up being the winner, with Rarity and I tied for second, Applejack taking third, and nobody else having any points. It was a fun game, but we had to cut it short because something came up in Canterlot that required mom's immediate attention. I hope we get to play it again soon.

So, I was going to turn this into a story ark, but decided against it after this one chapter took nearly 48 hours to write with regular breaks for food and homework. I might write another one later on, but not right now. Anyway, I hope you guys liked it, and I hope some things made you laugh.

Also, if ever you want to play CAH or CAE with me, just send me a message, and, if there's enough people, I'll set it up.