Jack Stone in Equestria

by Dark Chocolate

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy
Length: 20917

Jack Stone. SUPER COP! Nothing can stop him be it rain, sleet, snow or small innocent bistandards.

The names Jack Stone
Solver of over 1 billion crimes.
Bad guys eliminated: 121
Cars destroyed: 69
Total arrests: 1
Total civilian casualties: Not my god damn problem.

Jack Stone is both the best and worst super cop. Casting aside such silly things as collateral damage and civilian casualties, he catches (or rather kills) the bad guys left and right, no matter how many times Cadence punches him in the crotch.
His morals are awful, his comebacks are even more awfuler, and his grammar is....passable.
Step in to a world
where the 4th wall curls up into a ball and cries like a bitch.
Where criminals and innocent civilians are the same thing!
Where one moment things are all bright and sunny, then Jack Stone shows up and ruins everything in the name of justice!

Are there confusing plot holes and continuity errors? CONSTANTLY!
Is there randomness and an utter lack of focus? BACON!
Do you miss johnny Bravo? Of course you do.

Disclaimer: I guess you don't technically need to read the chapters in order. You might not understand a running gag though.

So in all seriousness, Jack Stone was a character I played in a small video series with a friend of mine. The idea is for Jack to be a parody of every super cop movie/series. I've studied many cliches and tropes, and out came Jack Stone. It also parodies a lot of Mary Sue HiE stories. If you don't get the humor, then maybe this will help...or you just suck, who knows.

If you're liking what I'm doing, do me a solid and favorite, hit that thumbs up and leave a sweet, delicious, bullet-filled comment for me please!
Sex tag for...well there's a lot of sexual humor.

Here's a little something to help you after you've read it.
http://www.cloralen.com/cloralen-platinum-bleach-liquid-gel/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwvuDPBRDnARIsAGhuAmbWU8NKwemKHMW6PzPtALGF6Wa_bAwRgN5D4DHqay8yPlWoYOUOnfUaAqexEALw_wcB

Best comments about Jack Stone:
"The FUCK Kinna crazy shit did I just read?..."
"WTF...."
"Jack Stone: the maniacal cross between Horatio Caine, a 90's cop, and that one kid down the street who's probably insane but doesn't admit it...
...I see no problems with this guy's logic for solving a crime."
"His existence offends me..."
"you really don't give two fucks about a plot do you?..."
"Jack Stone is the reason my romantic night with Pinkie Pie happened."
"No one pistol whips like Gaston."

Published 2016-05-03 01:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-11 23:01:58 UTC

Chp 2: Candy and Bullets

Two mares are talking at a local diner. They look out the window in front of them and see a police cruiser speeding towards the diner. It turns sharply, and rolls into the restaurant, smashing the front windows, taking out the couple, the entire store front, and knocking over several tables and chairs. The cruiser rolls a few times but stops completely upright. Jack gets out and stares at the cashier menacingly. The cashier stands there with brown fur and a light brown mane. He has a white button up shirt on, with red stripes.

He finally finds the courage to speak.
“Wh...what are you doing?!” he cries in an annoying congested voice like the guy sitting next to me on the bus as I write this who needs to stop reading over my shoulder.
Jack smirks and shakes his head.
“Oh don’t act innocent with me criminal. “ Jack shoots the cashier and several customers. The other three ponies scream and flee the store. Jack walks out of the restaurant, turns around, shoots the gas tank on his cruiser, and walks away in slow motion as the car explodes. Jack’s cellphone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket and puts it on speaker, expecting to be congratulated.
“Hey chief, don’t worry I took care of that drug cartel already.”

The chief sounds extremely concerned.
“Um...Jack I actually gave you the wrong address…”
Jack looks around at the crowd nervously. He sees a teal foal with a white mane. He grabs the kid, drags him to the store, and pistol whips him. As the foal lays there unconscious, Jack places a pair of aviators on his eyes, pins his badge to him, and sets his gun next to the foal’s hoof. Jack walks off quickly, his head darting to the left and right suspiciously.
Jack pulls up to the candy shop an hour later. He sees the chief talking with a few officers.

Jack walks up to the chief badassinteriously.
“What do we got?” He says, while putting his hands on his hips and sweeping his gray suit coat backwards. The chief sighs sadly.
“Some poor misguided foal shot up the store after apparently stealing a cop car.” Jack shakes his head disappointingly.
“Damn kids.” He mutters. Jack looks over and sees several camera crews filming. He pulls out a bottle of hair gel and slicks his hair down.

A mare and her husband walk up to the chief, they’re both purple. They glance over at Jack before addressing the chief.
“Um sir...actually we saw this guy shoot up the place then put all his stuff on some random child he tried to frame.” The chief and other cops stare at Jack. Other members of the crowd courageously start agreeing with the mare’s testimony out loud.
Jack looks around awkwardly. Jack pistol whips the mare. As she lays there unconscious, Jack places a pair of aviators on her eyes, pins his badge to her, and sets his gun next to the mare’s hoof. Jack walks off quickly, his head darting to the left and right suspiciously.
Jack Stoooooooone!

Princess Cadence sits in the passenger seat of Jack Stone’s cruiser, as they travel down the interstate.
Cadence sighs with annoyance.
“All I’m saying Jack is you might try using just a little more tact when approaching a problem!”
Jack laughs and shakes his head.
“Look, if it can’t be solved with bullets, then it’s not a real problem.”

Cadence narrows her eyes and looks over at Jack
“So you’re saying stubbing your toe isn’t a real problem…” she says sarcastically.
Jack cocks an eyebrow.
“You can solve stubbed toes with bullets.”
Cadence sighs.
“By doing what? Shooting your nail?”

Jack pulls out his pistol, looks at Cadence and taps the side of his head with the barrel a few times, while giving her a serious stare.
Cadence gets a horrified look.
“So your solution to stubbing your toe is to shoot yourself?! What would you do if you ran out of bullets then?!"
Jack pulls out a second pistol, and keeps staring at Cadence. Cadence crosses her forearms.
"Okay and when you run out of that?"
Jack pulls off the steering wheel, revealing a shotgun barrel sticking out of the car. The car starts turning left and right. Jack puts the steering wheel back.
"Sorry..." he mutters.

Cadence stares at him
"I gotta ask, what happens when you get into a car accident seeing as how your air bag is replaced with a shotgun?" she says condescendingly.
Jack glares at her and pulls out a pistol.
"Do we have a problem here?"

Cadence looks around at the other cars.
"Okay, that blue car right there. The filly in the back has a broken arm. What would you do for him?"
Jack looks at the filly and glares. Jack cocks his pistol then stares at Cadence.
"Take the wheel." he says dramatically. Jack puts both hands on his pistol. Before he fires, Cadence screams, grabs the wheel and they start veering all over the road.

Jack falls back into the driver's seat, accidentally pulls the trigger and blows a hole in his roof. He looks in the rear view mirror and sees shards of red plastic falling off the car.
There’s an awkward silence for a few minutes.
Cadence stutters a bit.
“Did...did you just blow a hole in your roof?!”
“Um...no?” Jack rubs the back of his neck. Cadence glares at him.
“Yes you did! I just saw you!”
Jack looks around nervously.
“No it was um...aliens.”
Cadence gets an annoyed look.
“Aliens just appeared in your car, shot a hole in the roof, and left without me seeing them…”

Jack nods his head assuringly.
“Sounds about right.” Jack rolls down his window and sticks both his head and pistol out the window.
“Damn you aliens!” Jack starts firing into the air wildly.
“What the hell is wrong with you?! Have you even taken a basic gun safety course?!” Cadence screams at him.
Jack laughs condescendingly and pulls out a slip of paper from his wallet, then hands it to Cadence. It says “Certified badass” on it. Cadence turns it over, and the other side is a random clipping from a newspaper.

Cadence sighs.
“Jack, I don’t know anything about certifications, but this is clearly bullshit. And you seriously couldn’t even afford printer paper?!”
Jack gets offended.
“Hey! I didn’t spend an hour searching google so I could print that out just to hear your sass! Also it’s Dr. Stone! I spent $900 and twelve hours to get my fungineering degree, and I won’t be talked down to by some princess!”
Cadence glares at Jack menacingly, gets a few inches away from his face and lets out an angry horse snort.
Jack stares back and swallows nervously.
“Wanna make out?”

Cadence turns around, and kicks Jack with her hind legs. Jack hits the driver door so hard, it and Jack both go flying out into the highway, colliding with the median.
Cadence teleports to a candy shop. She waits for several minutes before Jack gets off a nearby bus, with his suit torn to shreds. He walks up to Cadence angrily. He removes his aviators that now have a missing lens, looks them over, and tosses them aside. Jack pulls out another pair of aviators and puts them on. He starts screaming in agony, holds his eyes, and falls to the ground. While he's rolling around, he starts crying out.
"Oh God! Those lenses were cracked too! The shards are in my eyes! Sweet Jesus this is so painful!”
Cadence sighs and rolls her eyes. Her horn glows as Jack gets healed. Jack turns to face her, still lying on the ground. He props his head up with one arm, and lets the other one drape down his side.
“Well, I got something else you can cast your magic on if you want.” Jack says suggestively. Cadence reaches over and crushes his aviators into his eyes with her hoof. He starts rolling around on the sidewalk again, screaming while covering his face.
Cadence walks into the candy store and looks around happily.

Chp.3 Cars and Honeys

Jack stands in front of a car with the hood up. A salespony is on his left, wearing a white button up shirt, with a suit coat over it. The salespony grins and brushes back his brown mane in triumph.
Cadence, who stands to Jack's right, keeps rolling her eyes every time the salespony mentions a fake car part and points to it, just to hear Jack gasp in amazement.
Cadence “Jack seriously, why do you keep buying cars when I can teleport…”
Jack laughs condescendingly, “Cadence look, I know cars aren’t a woman’s things, but trust me: When a car has a big sign that says “Rackapinion Savings”, you gotta jump on it before someone else does.”

Cadence glares at Jack. Jack nudges the salespony with his elbow, “Women, am I right?”
The colt glances nervously at Cadence then back to Jack, “Um...she’s a princess and an alicorn, you’re on your own.” Jack rolls his eyes, and goes inside with the colt for paper work.

As Jack finally exits the colts office, Cadence is waiting in the lobby with Luna, who is playing Grand Theft Auto on her PS Vita. Luna chews bubblegum as she drives on the sidewalk.
Cadence marches up to Jack, “Are you an idiot?! Do you know nothing about sales?!”
Jack dismisses Cadence with a disrespectful wave of his hand, “Look, I know the talk is complicated for someone who sits on a throne all day, but this is definitely my area. Besides, the plasma manifold works and that’s good enough for me.”
Cadence narrows her eyes at Jack, accompanied by a look of disbelief that anyone could be that stupid.
Cadence sits back on her haunches,
“Ok let me go over a list of why you suck at this.

1 When you asked if it had been in an accident, he started talking about the tires.

2 When I asked if it had been in an accident, he patted you on the back and said that “Good old Jack here knows what he’s doing”.

3 When Luna asked what Rackapinion Savings means, you started hitting on me.

And if you don’t stop staring at my ass, I’m going to teleport you inside of a volcano!”

Jack takes his eyes off Cadences flank, and looks her in the eyes, “Sorry, I wasn’t listening over all the money I saved. You see, I’m what they call a premium member now. I just paid for an annual membership for $5000 and they’ll notify me when more deals come in.” Jack checks out his fingernails as snooty as possible.
Luna puts her Vita away and joins them, “Wait...you only paid two grand for the car though...so unless you plan on buying a new car at the same price three times a year…”

The salespony walks up to Jack, “Did I mention it used to have leather seats?”
Jack claps his hands excitedly, “See Luna? We can put in leather seats again!”
Luna narrows her eyes, “Sometimes I feel like you just live in a different reality…”

Cadence sits in the driver's seat, with Luna as a passenger. They drive along an interstate, with happy smiles.
Luna points at the road, “Pothole!”
Cadence swerves and hits the hole. They hear a loud thump in the trunk, followed by Jack yelling a few cusswords from inside it. Cadence and Luna both chuckle.

Luna “How did you get him to get into the trunk anyways?”
Cadence shrugs, “I told him we were going on a secret mission that involved secret princess underwear, and he didn’t ask anymore questions when I told him he had to hide in the trunk.”

Luna nods “And how long do you think it will be until he figures out that we’ve just been driving in a large circle, hitting potholes the entire time?”
Cadence, “I’d give it a few more hours.”

Cadence turns to Luna, “Ok wanna test out this things breaks?
Luna smiles, “Not yet, go through that neighborhood, there’s a garage sale I wanna go to first.”

Cadence pulls up in front of a house. Luna gets out, and makes a beeline to a table with lots of tools on it. Cadence watches as Luna points with her hoof at various wrenches and hammers. The woman tending the sale happily puts them in a bag for Luna. When she’s done, the bag sags viciously from all the weight. Luna carries the bag with her magic over to the trunk, and motions to Cadence with her hoof to open it.

Jack squints his eyes as he sees the sun, with a very confused look on his face, “Um...are we there yet?”
Luna grins at him maliciously “Not quite. Here, hold on to these tools.” Luna dumps the contents of the bag all across Jack, who covers his head in fear. Despite his cries of pain, Luna slams the trunk and gets in the passenger seat.
After buckling in, she looks over at Cadence, “Ok, now we can test the brakes.”.

Cadence sits on a bench under a tree, with sunglasses on. She casually eats an apple, while staring at the car, which is parked a few meters ahead of her in a parking lot. She watches Luna bounce up and down on top of the trunk. The car rocks violently with Jack screaming in terror from the trunk still.

Luna yells loud enough to where Jack can hear her, “Oh no! Now we’ve lost complete control of the car, and we’re heading towards a river! What ever shall we do!?”
She hears Jack cry out in panic, “Pull the emergency brake!!”

Luna gets off and kicks the car with her hind legs. She hears Jack yell in terror again.
Luna makes fake dying sounds, “Oh no! We hit a tree and Cadence is dead! And I’m mortally wounded, the only person who can let you out of the trunk!” Luna uses her magic to bring over a bucket of water.
She goes back to sounding hurt, “Oh no, the cars in the river now and it’s filling up with water!” Luna makes fake drowning noises and dumps the water on top of the trunk.

Jack screams over and over, “Oh God, water’s coming in!”

Luna happily trots over to Cadence and sits next to her, grabbing an apple off the tree and eating it.
Cadence chuckles, “Wow he is really fun to mess with.”
Luna nods, “Hey you know what we should do? Actually plunge the car into a river.”
Cadence slowly looks over at Luna nervously, “Uh...that might be a bit too far.”
Luna shrugs apathetically, “Suit yourself.”

Luna drives with her rear knee against the steering wheel, as she uses her front hooves to play Grand Theft Auto on her Vita.

Cadence braces herself against the dashboard in complete terror. Numerous cars honk their horns as Luna drives straight down the dividing line between lanes.
Cadence “Um...Luna, you know I love you a lot but WILLYOUPLEASENOTGAMEANDDRIVE!?!?”
Luna sighs annoyed, “I got it.”

Cars around them are covered in a purple glow, as they’re whisked out of the way.
Cadence narrows her eyes “I honestly feel like this is cheating.”
Luna rolls her eyes, “The infinite money glitch is something everyone uses so it’s not really cheating.”
“I meant moving other cars instead of driving safely!” shrieks Cadence.
Jack from the trunk “I was thinking the same thing!”
Luna swerves hard to the left. They hear the sound of various tools colliding with the right side of the trunk, followed by Jack screaming in agony.
Luna “Better be careful about thinking there Jack…”

Cadence is writing something down, with Luna glued to her side, giggling and making suggestions.
Cadence turns to Luna excitedly, “Ok are...are you sure this isn’t too much?”
Luna shakes her head wildly, “No no, it’s perfect!”

Luna and Cadence quietly sneak up to the car. Luna looks at Cadence and nods.
Luna clears her throat and tries to sound like a male italian mobster, “Heyo Joey, is this the car with the dead princess we’re supposta crush?”
Cadence “Yeah Bruno, we gotta turn dis here car into a tiny cube to hide da evidence!” Says Cadence, also trying to sound like an italian mobster.
Jack from the trunk, “Um...hello?”

Luna sounds surprised “Oey! There’s someone in there! Owells , we was told not to look in the trunk. I’ll get the compacta!”

Luna drives up in another car and slowly starts backing into the first car, making it move sideways.

Cadence, “Keep it coming Bruno, we gotta smash it up real good!”
They hear Jack pound viciously on the top of the trunk, “I can pay you, I’m a premium member! I can get you discounts!”

Luna stops backing into it, gets out and starts jumping on the hood of the first car.
Cadence “Yeah Bruno, that thing ain’t gonna be no recognizable when we’s done.”

Luna gets out and runs over to the trunk, “Wait did you hear dats? What’s that moaning sound?”
Cadence starts making zombie noises. Luna gasps, still doing an italian mobster, “Oh noes! Friggin zombies! Get away from me!” Luna kicks the car a few times and makes dying noises.
“Agh! My bullets has no effect on des guys! Aaaaggghhh!” She throws herself against the car, rolling from side to side, flailing her limbs wildly, making dying noises.

Jack screams and starts rocking back and forth. Cadence and Luna fall to the ground laughing. Cadence trots up to the trunk, still giggling, “Ok Jack, we were just messing with you. We’ll let you out.”

Jack “Ok that’s it! Jack Stone Time!” Bullets start tearing up the front of the car, as Jack shoots wildly.
Cadence and Luna run from the car and dive into a small trench nearby.
One of Jack’s bullets disabled the parking brake and the car slowly starts moving forward.
Cadence looks up and notices the car actually begins going down a small hill. Cadence gasps as her and Luna chase after the car, as it plows over small trees.

Jack “Oh ha ha. Real funny you two!”
Cadence yells to the car “Jack! Get out of there, you’re heading for a river!”
They hear Jack laugh sarcastically, as the car bounces down the hill, hitting the water with a loud splash.

Jack “Oh wow, more water! You two are so original!”
Cadence looks over and sees Luna falling behind. “Hurry Luna!”
Luna pants, “Too...many...cheetos…” Cadence turns back around, with a determined look on her face, still flying after the car.

Jack “Oh look! An actual trout! Wow, I bet nothing will happen if I stick my - Ow! It bit me!”
The car is carried swiftly down river, as Cadence gives it her all to try and catch up.

Cadence catches up, and uses her magic to stop the car right before it goes over a waterfall. She forces the trunk open. Jack sits up, unharmed for some reason despite being stuck in the trunk for an entire day with loose tools.

Jack climbs out of the trunk weakly, still petrified. Cadence looks at him with sympathy. Jack slowly climbs to his feet. Cadence turns her head away in disgust as she sees a trout with it’s face inside Jack’s zipper, wiggling around valiantly. Jack looks down and pulls off the fish, “Sorry, I thought it was fake.”

Cadence “Wait so...you thought you’d check using your…”
Jack smirks “Well I could always check you for-”
Cadence whirls around and kicks Jack with both her hind legs. Jack flies into the trunk. The lid closes and the car goes over the waterfall. Cadence screams, flies over and grabs the car at the last second. She carries it gradually all the way up the hill, back into the parking lot.

She opens the trunk, with a very unenthusiastic face. Jack Stone lays on his side, with his back to Cadence. He looks over his shoulder, “Um...mind giving me a few minutes?” A fish jumps out of the pool of water. Jack grabs it and holds it in front of him so Cadence can’t see.
Cadence groans, and slams the trunk, then begins driving back to Canterlot.

Cadence’s eyes suddenly widen “Oh crap, Luna!”
Luna teleports into the passenger seat, “Yeah, thanks for that bitch!”

Chp.4 It's Jack Stone, It Doesn't Have To Make Sense

Celestia walks into her throne room, and see’s Cadence beating Jack with a skillet, who is on the floor in the fetal position.
“Just! Stop! Talking!” roars Cadence. Celestia looks shocked, “Cadence! Why are you doing that? Well I mean apart from the usual reasons.”

Cadence glares angrily at Celestia, “This jackass has been hitting on me all damn day and I’m sick of it!” She stops beating Jack for a minute.

Jack gets up furiously, “That is a total lie! All I told her is after she has her kid, it’s going to be a mess down there!” Jack makes a motion towards Cadence’s flank, “And all I said was that if Shining Armor isn’t interested, then Jack Stone doesn’t mind a little extra jam on his toast if you know what I mean!”
Luna covers her mouth with her hooves, trying not to barf.
Another skillet comes flying from the left, beans Jack in the head, and renders him unconscious.

Jack Stooooone!

Cadence stomps on the ground furiously, "No! No way in hell!"
Celestia sighs, and reclines against her throne, "I'm sorry Cadence, but Jack Stone is the only one with any form of investigative experience."
Cadence trots in place rapidly while groaning, "But he suu-huuh-uuh-ucks!"
Celestia lowers her head sadly, "I know..."

Jack Stone crashes through a wall to their right with his car into her throne room, ignoring the fact that the palace is technically suspended in the air on the side of a mountain.

Celestia narrows her eyes and sighs, "Hi Jack." she says unenthusiastically.
Jack Stone gets out of the car, and stands dramatically. He pulls out a pair of aviators and puts them over his current ones.
Luna plants her face into her hoof, "You are such a douchebag..."
Celestia "Ok Jack, we need you to investigate something. An ally of ours, Silver Tongue, may be plotting against us. We would look into it ourselves, seeing as unlike you, we don't have a brain the size of a walnut, but we're too high profile. That's where you come in."
Jack shrugs, "Why not just shoot him in the face?"
Luna rolls her eyes, "Yes, because preemptive revenge is the cornerstone of any good political decision."
Cadence, "Jack just...look into it discretely please?"
Jack "Um ok first off princess, maybe you should rule your kingdom with a little less sass, and a little more giving me money."
Cadence "Says the idiot cop who frames children for public mass murder!"
Jack, "I don't tell you how to do your job, so don't tell me how to do mine!"
Cadence starts shrieking at Jack, "You just told me how to do my job! Are you a complete idiot? This is why I've banned you from the Crystal Empire!"
Jack leans in close, cocks an eyebrow and with a seductive tone says, "Are you coming on to me?".
Cadence whirls around, and kicks Jack with both her hind legs. Jack goes tumbling down the steps, and knocks over several suits of pony armor.

Cadence and Jack dangle from chains over a large round metal door in the floor.
Cadence sighs, "So let me go over this with you one more time, just to make sure we're on the same page. We find out Silver Tongue is being black mailed by a super evil genius. Instead of telling anyone, you plow through the front door, shoot every guard in sight, then start pressing random buttons on a machine, and one of them happens to render us unconscious...am I missing anything? Because when I tell my aunts about this, I want to get every detail perfect while we laugh at you."

Jack hangs there silently.
Dr.Sinister walks in, "Vell Jack, can you guesh vat I have in shtore for you?"
Cadence narrows her eyes, "Sharks?" she says sarcastically.
Dr.Sinister cocks an eyebrow and smiles, "But vat kind of shahk?"
Cadence, "Sharks with lasers?"
Dr.Sinister slowly narrows his eyes at her. He walks out of the room annoyed.
Jack and Cadence dangle silently as they hear Dr.Sinister walk down a series of stairs, and open a small door somewhere beneath the floor. They hear a shotgun go off four times. Dr.Sinister reappears in the room a few minutes later.
Dr.Sinister "Ok zen. Can you guesh vat else ve have in shtore for you?"
Cadence sighs and rolls her eyes, "A giant saw that slowly makes its way towards us?"

Dr. Sinister stares at her annoyed for a minute. "Tell you vat...lez try something a vit...sinister?" He lets out a long, evil laugh.

Cadence and Jack Stone are now chained to a wall underwater, as a giant metal saw slowly makes its way towards them. On the end of the saw blades are sharks with lasers.
Dr. Sinister glares at Cadence from a glass window to their left, "Zer! Not show shmart now ah ve?"
"Are you kidding me?!" roars Cadence, "There's fillies starving in third world countries, while this jack ass builds a massive underwater sawblade!"
"Don't forget the part with the sharks with friggin' lasers attached to them." adds Jack.
Cadence sighs, "I mean why even give us scuba gear, if he's just going to kill us off?!"
Dr. Sinister presses the button on his intercom, "Becaush I'm freaking evil zat's vy!" He lets out a hearty evil laugh.
He walks away from the window.
Jack sighs in relief, "Don't worry Cadence, lucky I brought my-"
"So help me god Jack, if it's some stupid spray or device that gets us out of this one trap, I'm-"
She stops talking as Jack swims over to her with some type of weird screwdriver thingy.
Her chains break free and they swim to the surface.
Cadence sighs, "This doesn't make any sense, where did you even get that thing?!"
Jack chuckles, "I'm Jack Stone, it doesn't have to make sense!"
They climb up a convenient ledge, to a conveniently unlocked door, and outside to a conveniently unguarded hallway.
Cadence looks around confused, "I like how he invests in sawblades with sharks attached t it but not decent security."
They run down a few other unguarded hallways, just in time to see Dr. Sinister taking off in a rocket.
Jack, "Dangit! He got away!"
Cadence, "Don't worry I can use my magic to stop the-"
Jack turns furiously towards Cadence, "He! Got! Away! Cadence! What part of that do you not understand?!"
Cadence stares at Jack, "What? No he didn't I can still - oh great. Thanks. Now he's out of range."
Jack pulls out a cellphone, "Don't worry, I know where he's going, and we're gonna need backup. Luckily I know just the guys."

Cadence and Jack stand outside of the building they were just in.
Cadence rolls on the floor laughing, with tears running down her face.
Jack yells angrily into his cellphone, "What do you mean you don't remember me?!"
Cadence hears someone inaudibly talking on the other end
"This is Jack! Stone! We served together on the force!"
more talking
"Um...no i'm not the guy who set fire to that school...that was the other Jack Stone."
more talking
"It IS a popular name!"
more talking
"Fine, go to hell Karl!"
Jack hangs up, "Ok...time for the B team..."
Cadence rolls her eyes while grinning, "Oh this is just classic."

Jack, Cadence, and several random people sit at a table together.
One woman, with massive biceps and a brown mohawk, looks at Jack with admiration, "Ya when thee Jack Stone called, I wanted in right away!" Everyone, except for Cadence obviously, lets out cheers of approval, "Who was there when I needed that hooker buried? Jack Stone, that's who!"
Jack looks around the bar with concern, "Um...ya definitely."
A man with long blond hair and a thin beard speaks next, "And when that kid glared at me, who helped me frame his parents for drug abuse so he got sent to a foster home? Jack god damn Stone!"
Cadence gawks at him, before glaring at Jack.
Jack Stone looks around the bar again terrified, "Uh...ok guys, lets um take it easy..."
Another ripped woman with a leather jacket, and short black hair speaks up, "And who set fire to that orphanage to distract the police while we raided that Planned Partentho-"
Jack stands up "Yes! Yes! Ok, we all have fond memories of me! But we have a new target: Dr. Sinister! Now in front of you, is a large map of the compound. I’ll be directing you from a van down by the river. I'll be giving you all codenames, so make sure you have your radios on at all times. Alright everyone, lets move out!"
Cadence, "Um Jack...maybe you should actually discuss the plan first?"
Jack sits down, "Oh right..."

Jack Stone sits in the back of a van with Cadence.
Cadence glances over at Jack, “Are you sure you can remember the codenames of all your team members?”
Jack nods, “Ya I just wrote all their real names down next to their codenames in this notebook.” Jack holds up a black notebook.
Cadence nods, “Hmmm...that’s a fancy looking book, where did you get it?”
Jack shrugs “Found it out in the middle of a field. It had some writing in the first few pages but I didn’t have a chance to read it.”
Jack turns it over to the cover.
Cadence eyes it curiously, “What’s a Death Note?”

Chp.5 Jack Stone's Arch Nemesis: Dr. Weird

Author's Note

Special thanks to The Tenacious Lotus
and boardgamebrony
for prereading and keeping me motivated.

Chp.5 Jack Stone's Arch Nemesis: Dr. Weird

A mare with brown hair and yellow fur stands in front of her cameracolt. She clears her throat before speaking. "This is One Scene with channel 4 news! We're here at Lotsofbodies River, watching as the infamously rare Purple Whales are released from captivity! It's our hope that these whales will swim down river to the ocean, and begin breeding, bringing their species back on track from extinction! This is truly a marvelous day, and nothing could possibly go horribly wrong to ruin it!"

Wait for it...

One Scene trots over to a colt, with gray hair and black fur, in his 80's. One Scene holds up a microphone to the colt. "Sir, what do you think the chances of the whales making it are?"
The colt nods a few times. "Well I think they'll be just fine. I gotta be honest though, I know the police are down here a lot but I still don't approve of what they changed the name of the river to. I personally prefer the old name, Stabbington Reservoir."

A purple whale and her calf surface for air, before continuing their swim. Hundreds of mares and colts on the riverbank let out gasps of amazement. One Scene turns back to the camera. "As you can see, ponies from all over Equestria have turned up to see this once in a lifetime event! Nothing could be better today than to turn out-" One Scene stops talking and turns around, as bubbles start appearing on the water next to the mother whale. Everypony gasps and watches eagerly. The crowd is dead silent, as...a second calf emerges out of the water!

The crowd goes wild with cheering. Ponies all around give each other hugs and jump in the air repeatedly. One Scene turns back to the camera again. She has a massive smile with bulging eyes. "I cannot believe the scene in front of us! A second calf has appeared, further increasing the chances of the whales returning back to safe numbers! This is truly a miraculous day indeed!"

The crowd watches, as a small colt in a wheelchair rolls his way to the bank of the river. He sighs longingly as he stares at the water. "Golly, I'd sure give anything to be able to swim next to those whales..." He sighs and looks at the ground. The crowd lets out sympathetic coos. The colts head jerks up as he hears a powerful voice behind him. "Don't worry Timmy, five-time gold medalist Iron Will is here! And he's gonna make your dreams come true!" A massive blue bull walks out of the crowd, wearing five gold medals around his neck.

Timmy claps his hooves excitedly. "Golly, this really IS the best day ever!"

Waaaait for it...

Iron Will, with the help of the crowd, tie Timmy's wheelchair to Iron Will's horns, who struts out into the water. The crowd cheers in amazement. Iron Will swims slowly behind the whales. The crowd hollers while jumping up and down. They slowly go quiet as a filly points to the water behind them. "Shark!" she shrieks. The crowd starts screaming and points at the fin sticking out of the water.

One Scene gasps and watches in horror. The crowd is in shock as the fin monster jumps out of the water.

Iron will "Don't worry everypony, that's just Squeaky, the friendly neighborhood dolphin!"
The dolphin jumps out of the water and lets out a friendly squawk at the crowd. Timmy points at the dolphin. "Look! He's also brought ice cream for everypony!" The dolphin dives underwater, and as it resurfaces, it throws ice cream inside cones to everypony.
The crowd cheers and enjoys their ice cream.

A white mare with a red mane steps out of the audience in terror. She points a hoof at the bridge leading over the river. "Oh no! A semi carrying toxic waste has turned to the side and is about to spill it's payload all over the whales! And Timmy!"
The crowd starts screaming in panic. A scientist steps out of the crowd. He has brown fur and a red mane. "Fear not everypony! For toxic waste is only hazardous if it has fire as a catalyst to start the chain reaction!"

The crowd murmurs to themselves in confusion before deciding to relax. Suddenly a loud roar is heard. They look up river to see a 747 with all four engines on fire, descending rapidly towards the river. The crowd panics again. The scientist slowly backs into the crowd, before stepping out dramatically again. "Fear not everypony! Because toxic waste and fire need sufficient human DNA to start a chemical reaction! And lucky, we have none of those here!"

Horrified screams pound from the sky, as they watch a human male, with a clearly malfunctioning parachute, fall straight down from the sky. Everypony looks to the scientist. He stares at them with concern. "Well balls." he mutters.

One Scene and her cameracolt watch in horror as the barrels in the truck scoot closer and closer to falling into the river. The plane gets lower and lower, so close you can almost see the pilot. The screaming man flails his arms wildly.

Almost there…

The whales swim under the bridge. The crowd cheers as the barrels shift a bit but don't fall. The plane whizzes overhead, just a few hundred feet above everyone but doesn't crash. And the man from the sky luckily falls face first on top of a nearby building.

The crowd cheers but looks at each other. A few voices from the crowd call out. “Did anyone get that on film?” “No I was too busy watching!”

One Scene steps forward dramatically. “Fear not! I, One Scene with channel four news, along with my trusty cameracolt, Gonna Diesoon, got the whole thing on film! You can watch it tonight!”

One Scene trots happily through the sand, up to the road. She turns to her cameracolt who lowers the camera. One Scene sighs happily. “You know, Gonna Diesoon, this may be our best story yet!” Gonna Diesoon nods his head. “With this story, we can finally move out to where the real action is-” Gonna Die soon steps too far out into the road and is hit by a police cruiser.
His camera goes flying into the air, and hits the ground, smashing to pieces. One Scene screams.

Jack Stone looks up from the steering wheel. “The hell was that?!”
Cadence sighs with annoyance from the passenger seat. “I don’t know but I’m not taking my hooves off my eyes until you finish...what you’re doing.” Jack Stone shrugs and continues looking at a magazine with Cadence’s seductive picture on the front, draped over the steering wheel, with his other hand down his pants.

Jack Stooooone!

Jack Stone lays on a metal slab in what looks like your stereotypical laboratory, as Dr. Sinister and Dr. Weird stand there laughing triumphantly. Dr. Sinister wears a black suit and has a stereotypical monocle in one eye. He's bald, white, and in his forties. Dr. Weird has on goggles, a white lab coat, purple gloves, black pants, and black shoes. He wears a black t-shirt underneath the lab coat that says "Nuke The Whales". His hair is gray despite being in his late 20s, and sticks out in every direction.
Dr. Sinister turns to Dr. Weird, “Vell then, shall ve kill him?!”
Dr. Weird laughs madly, “Yes! We shall kill him dead! Wahahahah!”
Dr. Sinister laughs evilly, “We shall drown him in the-”
Dr. Weird starts ranting, “We shall kill him emotionally! We’ll find his online blog and leave mean comments! He’ll have hundreds of rude downvotes, and over time, his self-esteem will be unrepairable! Wahahaah!”

Dr. Sinister stares at Dr. Weird confused., “I..I mean...let's destroy him!”
Dr. Weird, “Yes, destroy him! Not one bit left!”
Dr. Sinister grins, “Yes, now you get-”
Dr. Weird, “We’ll destroy his reputation by spreading vicious rumors about how he never washes his hands! No one will ever hire him, and he’ll be ignored by every last being on the planet! Wahahahaha!”
Dr. Sinister sighs then covers his eyes with his hand annoyed, “Ok this ishn’t vorking, I’m leaving..” Dr. Sinister walks out of the room.
Jack Stone glares at Dr. Weird, “You’ll never get away with this! Kidnapping a cop? You’ll get the maximum penalty for that!”
Dr. Weird stares at Jack, “Kidnapping? You were unconscious, what was I supposed to do,? Leave you to die? I brought you inside and gave you medical treatment!”
Jack stone looks confused, “But you’re holding me against my will!”
Dr. Weird crosses his arms offended, “Um, you’re free to go at anytime. The exit’s right there.” He points at the same door Dr. Sinister went through.
Jack looks at his wrists and ankles and realizes there was never anything actually holding him to the table.
Jack Stone sits up and glares and then starts walking out.
Dr. Weird, “Um….you’re welcome?!”

As Jack exits the lab, he see's a single car parked in the lot. It's a powder blue Prius. Jack looks around, and after seeing no one, takes out his gun and puts six rounds through the hood. He smirks, but turns around with concern upon hearing a loud sigh. Dr. Weird stands in the doorway with his arms crossed disappointingly.

"Um...you gonna pay for that act of vandalism?!"

Jack Stone glares angrily with his arms at his sides. He grips his pistol so tight it fires. "I'll...I'll send you a check."
Jack Stone looks down at his foot then back to Dr. Weird. "Also can you call me an ambulance?"

Celestia leans against Luna in the throne room, as they can't stand upright while laughing.
Cadence gets off the floor weakly, her eyes are still filled with tears. She wipes them away with a massive smile.
Cadence takes a deep breath. "So...so let me get this straight, Your arch nemesis now is an evil genius, but he doesn't technically break the law so you can't do anything?! Oh! Oh that is just beautiful!"
Jack crosses his arms annoyed. "It's...it's not fair!"
Luna falls over on her side laughing, as she hugs herself. Celestia gradually lays on the floor, pounding her front hooves into it mercilessly.
Jack still stands there pouting. "It...it doesn't make any sense!"
Luna walks over to Jack Stone despite her legs wobbling. "It doesn't have to make sense, it's Jack Stone!"
The princesses roar with laughter.
Jack Stone turns around and limps to his cruiser, with his right foot in a cast.
The princesses roll around on the floor howling.
Jack plows through a wall with his car and is gone.

Chapter 7: The God of destruction and chaos....meets Discord

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 8: Detective Rarity

Jack Stone, Cadence and Luna stand outside of a hotel room.
Jack looks at the pair with determination.
“Okay so to go over the plan again, we’re gonna sting the hell out of this gay prostitute for cutting ahead of me at the hospital. I don’t care if he was dying, Jack Stone doesn’t tolerate the common cold.”
Cadence glances at Luna, who rolls her eyes.
Jack sighs.
“So when I say That’s A Deal , that’s your cue to burst in and nab him. Any questions?”
Both princesses shake their heads. Jack goes into the hotel room, as Cadence and Luna hop into a nearby white van.

Several minutes pass and a thin, middle-aged man walks up to the hotel room’s door. He has short thinning hair, a pencil mustache, and large glasses. He knocks on the door, and is let inside by Jack.
Jack gives a small nod to the van Cadence and Luna are in, before closing the door. The thin man gives Jack a puzzled look.
“Why does that white van outside say free puppies and candy inside?”

Jack Stone lets out a loud fake laugh. Cadence glances at Luna with a disgusted look from in the van. Luna yells into her radio.
“The hell Jack! The vehicle is suppose to blend in, so you make it a pedo van?!” Jack tries not to wince in pain in front of his guest from Luna’s loud voice over his earpiece.
Jack claps his hands together.
“Alrighty then, shall we get...down to business?” Cadence gives Luna a nod, and they both slip quietly out of the van, and stand on either side of the hotel door, waiting for the signal. Jack Stone casually hops onto the bed.
The man sets down his bag and take out some lotion from it. He holds the bottle up like he’s in a commercial.
“Okay so this is what I use for the...sensual massages.” Jack Stone nods excitedly. The man slowly climbs into the bed with Jack, and starts undoing Jack’s button-up shirt. Jack nods nervously. “So um yes...we agreed on two hundred?”
The man nods. Jack bites his lip uncomfortably.
“Yep so I guess...that’s a deal.”
Cadence gives Luna a nod. Luna bits her bottom lip and smiles, before holding up a hoof, motioning for Cadence to wait. Cadence looks at her confused.

Jack Stone nods furiously as the man starts working his way down Jack’s shirt.
“Yep...that’s a deal alright! That is such a deal!” A few minutes go by and the man starts undoing Jack’s belt.

“That’s a deal! A deal! Deal deal deal deal!”

Cadence and Luna snicker outside the hotel door as Jack’s screams of terror can be heard outside. They hear wrestling from inside the room. The man storms out and turns around before he leaves.

“You are the weirdest customer I’ve ever had!” with that , he turns around, gets in their van and drives off.

Jack angrily stomps out of the room, holding up his unbuckled pants.
He looks at both Cadence and Luna furiously.
“What the hell you two?!”
Cadence and Luna fall over laughing. Jack Stone looks around confused.

“Where’s my van?”

Jack Stooooone!

Rarity stands in front of a mirror, a confident smirk on her face. She admires her brown coat and hat, along with her pipe that releases bubbles. She starts monologuing to herself.

“When Ponyville is gripped in fear and mystery, there’s only one pony they call. There’s only one mare who dares to stand up to evil, and say no more! And that’s Detective Rarity!” She gives herself a satisfied headnod. She joyfully trots over to her small dinner table and picks up a scroll with a golden bow on it. She furrows her brow as she begins to read.

“Seems like Dash is missing a button. Not my most intriguing case, but I’ll take it!”
She jumps and screams as JACK STONE! SUPER COP! Kicks in her front door. Rarity lowers her head and sighs in annoyance while closing her eyes. Jack Stone stands in the middle of her room with his hands on his hips.

“Rarity! How could you get a case and not invite me?!” Rarity stares at him with narrowed eyes.

“I don’t know Jack. Why would I ever do that?” she says sarcastically. She rubs her forehead with her right hoof in frustration.

“Alright look Jack, if you’re going to tag along, please try to take a more...passive role?”
Jack stares at her blankly.

Rarity and Jack walk up to a house. Rarity turns to Jack.
“Just...let me do the talking alright darling?” Rarity turns back to the door and knocks. After a few seconds, Rainbow Dash opens the door.

“Rarity! Thank Celestia you’re here! Look, the button for my Wonderbolts outfit went missing! Do you think-” She cries out as Jack tackles her inside her house with a vicious roar. Jack pins her to the floor by her shoulders.

“Where’s the drugs Dash?!” Dash tucks her hind legs to her stomach, and gives Jack a double kick that sends him crashing into the wall. Jack gets up gradually with a painful groan, but is sent staggering to the side as Dash flies forward and socks him in the jaw. They roll around on the floor as Jack screams in agony with Dash chewing angrily on his ear. Dash gets up and drags a groaning Jack to her oven. She places his head inside and repeatedly slams his face with the oven door until Jack stops moving. After a few seconds, Dash gets off and walks over to Rarity, leaving Jack to lay on the floor miserably.

“Alright Rare, so the last place I know my uniform was in, was when I let Soarin take it home so his mom could repair it. When I got it back, a button was missing!” Dash puts her hooves to her face dramatically.

“You gotta find it Rare! Spitfire will have my flank if I don’t have it attached!” Rarity gives her a determined nod.

“Don’t worry Dash, I’ll find your missing button before Spitfire even knows it's gone!” She finishes her sentence with a happy nod. They touch hooves before Rarity turns around and leaves.

Rarity and Jack walk up to a small cottage. Rarity knocks and waits patiently. The door opens and a colt greets her with a delighted smile. He opens his mouth to speak but gets tackled inside by Jack.

“Where’s the drugs!?” Jack screams while rolling on the floor, choking the poor colt. Rarity stands at the doorway, staring in complete shock. The colt gags, unable to answer Jack’s question that he yells over and over. A mare walks in from the kitchen holding a button in her hoof.

“Oh Rarity, I found Dash’s button when I was walking-” Jack rolls onto his back, pulls out his pistol and shoots the mare due to his cat-like reflexes. He gets to his feet and puts two bullets into the colt. Jack looks around in panic before scooping up the two bodies and bolting from the house towards a nearby forest. Rarity screams.

“What the hell is wrong with you?! Why did you do that?!” Jack looks back at her.

“There’s no time Rarity! We have to run!” Rarity shakes her head slightly in horror and her mouth hangs open with bulging eyes. She panics and follows Jack into the forest.

“Why...why did you do that?!” She shrieks as they run. Jack whirls around and drops the bodies on the ground.

“Rare look, we’re in the middle of a massive drug cartel! From now on, we gotta watch our backs and plan our moves very carefully!” Rarity’s mouth trembles.

“Wh...what the hell are you talking about?!” She screams. Jack Stone sighs and places a hand covered in blood on her shoulder.

“Look Rare, we stumbled upon a drug smuggling operation and we had to take action! We didn’t do anything wrong alright? Now take this shovel while I smash your friends teeth in. Also we’ll need to think of a good alibi.”

The sun has set and the forest is lit with the pale glow of the moon. Numerous creatures stare at the odd sight this late at night. Rarity sobs violently in a forest as she digs up clumps of dirt in the rain with a shovel. She throws it down angrily and Jack looks up from his own hole at her. Rarity lets out a loud scream of frustration.

“All I wanted to do was to help my friend find the button to her uniform, and now look at me! It’s ten o’clock at night and I’m burying bodies in a forest in the freezing rain!” Mascara starts to trail down her face as she sobs. She starts yelling incoherently. Jack Stone climbs out of his hole and walks behind Rarity. He kneels down next to her and nods his head with sympathy.
He pulls out a rag from his jacket pocket and gently places it around Rarity’s mouth. Rarity lets out muffled cries as Jack wraps his arms around her head to control her. After a few seconds Rarity goes limp and Jack carefully lays her on the ground. He grabs his shovel, and finishes Rarity’s hole.

Rarity gets off the ground a little while later with narrow, confused eyes and looks around.

“Wh...what? What happened?” She says quietly. Jack Stone kneels down next to her. He puts a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“Now Rarity, I know you’re in shock so i'm going to put this a delicately as possible. You killed those two ponies in cold blood and you have to accept you're a monster.” Rarity’s eyes widen in horror.

“What?! I most certainly did not! You’re the one who-” Jack Stone shakes his head.

“Rarity...you’re in shock, just accept the truth and say it: you killed those ponies.” Rarity shakes her head rapidly while staring at Jack.

“But but no! There’s no way I could-” Jack sets another comforting hand on Rarity’s other shoulder.

“Rarity...trust me, I’m your friend: Jack Stone. SUPER COP!” He says, emphasizing his self-appointed title with a sudden scream that makes Rarity jump. Rarity breaks down sobbing.

“Alright, alright! I did it! I killed those ponies!” She cries out loud while tears stream down her face. Jack Stone turns to his right.

“Did you get all that?” He says to a mysterious figure. The chief stands off to Jack’s right, barely poking out from behind a tree while holding a video camera.
“Got it Jack!” He says with a thumbs up. Jack Stone stands up.
“Alright let's do this.” Jack says. Rarity looks around in bewilderment between Jack and the chief.
“Wh...wait what?!” She cries.
“Book her!” yells Jack. Several police cruisers pull up with their lights and sirens flashing.

Jack Stone walks around the front of the courtroom in Cadence’s throne room. A few different boards with various poorly drawn pictures with crayons cover the left side of the courtroom. They depict Rarity both killing and murdering ponies. Jack slowly walks to the stand where Cadence sits and watches him with a severe look of boredom in her eyes.
“So you see Cadence, we’re dealing with one sick pony. I hope you’ll make the right call and give this mare a very merciful and compassionate brutal execution by firing squad. Thank you.” Jack Stone takes his seat. Rarity sobs across from him at the opposite table.
“M...maybe I did do it! I don’t know anymore!” She sobs into her hooves.
Cadence lets out a long sigh.
“The court finds Rarity acquitted of all charges. Case dismissed.” Jack Stone gets up with a mix of anger and bewilderment on his face.
“But what about all the evidence! Why would you let her go?!”
Cadence get up and angrily slams her hooves on her stand.
“Because it’s you!” She yells.

Jack Stone Chapter 9: Jack Stone writes fanfiction about himself

Jack Stone sits in his small bedroom inside his apartment, rapidly typing away on his laptop. He looks up as Cadence walks in, holding a small stack of papers in her mouth. She sets them gently on the floor before clearing her throat.

“Alright so I read your little story like you asked and I have some...criticism.” Jack swivels in his chair to face her. He crosses one leg and taps his fingertips together. Cadence picks up a piece of paper and examines it.

“So first off...your main character’s name is…*sigh*...Captain Largesausage. Number one, is captain his title or his literal name? Neither makes sense since he’s a rookie cop in the middle of a city. Secondly...you couldn’t think of any other name to give him besides Largesausage?” Jack Stone nods a bit.

“Well I was thinking it adds some uniqueness to the character.” Cadence lowers the paper and glares at Jack Stone. She rolls her eyes and continues examining the paper.

“I’d also like to point out that you keep building up these intense scenes for the cop to be in and he has to make a tough call. Instead of...him doing literally anything, you end the scenes with And then he pulled out his gun and shot the dude, then they went and got icecream.” Cadence whips the paper to the ground.

“Can you take a wild guess what my issue with this is?” Jack Stone lowers his head and nods in defeat.

“Alright, I’ll add some sex to it.” Cadence stares at Jack in bewilderment before slowly narrowing her eyes.

“Okay so this last one is my biggest concern: the love interest.” Cadence lowers the paper and glares at Jack Stone. They lock eyes quietly for a minute.

“Jack this is clearly me!” She says, angrily shaking the paper at him. Jack Stone raises a confused eyebrow. Cadence brings the paper to her eyes again.

“Before Captain Largesausage, stood this hot piece of ass with pink fur. Her long mane comes down to a gentle curl right above her hooves, with a single strip of purple, pink and yellow in it.” Cadence grits her teeth and sighs.

“So firstly I think it’s kinda weird you’re including ponies in your story. I mean it’s like if you wrote some kinda sex story with like...Luna and some human general or whatever doing it on the roof of a castle. Secondly...you actually named her Cadynce. I mean...seriously? And also Captain Largesausage and Cadynce make out literally every thousand words, I counted. There’s actually a part where he’s mid speech and they just start going at it, despite being tied to this underwater table thingy, with a large spinning saw blade coming towards them. Does the villain like...pause the machine and let them make out? Also did they like...temporarily get free?” Cadence points her hoof towards the inside of her mouth and starts making loud gagging noises.

“I mean....this thing is complete garbage. Also I wanna point out that it’s also a bit weird that another character that is clearly Shining Armor, even though you called him Shining Armour, is constantly making up excuses to touch you..and it gets really gay really fast.” Jack Stone reclines in his chair and scoffs.

“The hell do you mean he always looks for an excuse to touch me?” Cadence rolls her eyes ,picks up a page and starts reading.

“Captain Largesausage looks around helplessly as he clings to the chandelier.

“Damn! If only I could get to my spare gun!” He says with defeat. Shining Armour looks around the Captain’s pants hungrily.

“Don’t worry Jack, I’ll find your gun!” Shining Armour looks up at the Captain, as he starts unbuttoning Jack’s pants with his teeth. Shining slowly runs his right hoof up the Captain’s leg, searching for the hard, metal object. Captain Largesausage bits his bottom lip, looking down at Shining.

Cadence recoils a bit.

“I mean if you’re going for a gay erotica, then you’re doing great. Also...you actually call the main character Jack a few times...and only in the scenes with Shining Armour.” Jack Stone rolls his eyes.

“So one scene of this is enough to throw you off?” Cadence glares at Jack Stone and goes back to reading out loud.

Captain Largesausage peers down angrily at a ventilation shaft.

“How am I supposed to get through such a tiny vent while holding this bomb?” He mumbles in frustration. Shining Armour strokes his chin with his hoof.

“I got an idea Jack! I’ll climb through the vent!” Shining crouches down and starts making his way into the vent, his perfectly round, firm flank sticking helplessly in the air. Shining wiggles a bit, unable to move forward.

“Dangit I’m stuck!” he calls out. Jack crouches down behind him.

“How can I help you without setting down this bomb?” Captain Largesausage says with concern. Jack’s face lights up with realization.

“Wait, I’ll just push you forward with my pelvis!” Jack crouches behind Shining’s helpless flank and starts pounding him with quick, firm thrusts. Shining digs his hooves into the metal vent.

“Dangit Jack, I’m just not going anywhere! You’re going to have to pound me harder!” The room is alive with the sound of grunts and successful cries.

“Keep going Jack, I’m almost there!”

“Yeah you get in that vent you dirty son of a-”

Jack Stone gets up angrily.

“Oh come on Cadence, he has a bomb and can’t get through the vent, what is he supposed to do if Shining gets stuck anyways? It’s completely rational!”

Cadence slams the piece of paper to the ground.

“Oh come on Jack, you can literally replace three words with penis and this becomes a porno!”

Jack Stone rolls his eyes dramatically.

“So two scenes that are barely even remotely gay ruin it for you?!” Cadence grits her teeth and gives Jack the death glare.

“Okay you know what?! Let’s skip to the very end!” Cadence flips through the pages to the last scene.

“Jack Stone lies in a hospital bed, pale and sweaty. His massive shredded abs are exposed to Shining's hot breath, who sits with worry next to Captain Largesausage. Jack holds Shining’s hoof in his hand as the two lock concerned eyes.

“Don’t worry Jack, I’ll never leave you!” Shining says. Jack nods weakly.

“I know Shining, I’ll never leave you either. I mean...no homo…” The two laugh awkwardly before breaking eye contact and blushing. A doctor walks in with a clipboard and an ominous look in his eyes.

“I’m afraid the news isn’t good. Captain, you have literally five minutes to live. Wait...crap wrong person um…” The doctor looks over at the next bed which is concealed by curtains. He sighs and shrugs.

“Owell probably too late anyways, why worry him. Ah here we go. You’ve come down with a case of Pilonidal Disease. I’m afraid the disease requires us to aggressively coat the inside of your anus. Unfortunately we don’t have anything long or hard enough to do the job thanks to a shortage of supplies.” Shining slams an angry hoof onto the railing of Jacks’ hospital bed.

“Damnit doctor! There has to be something we can do!”

Jack Stone and Shining both look towards the ceiling in thought.

Jack hums to himself.

“Now where can we find something long and hard to deliver the medicine with?”

Cadence literally rips the paper in half.

“Okay now this is just stupid! You’re telling me a hospital can’t find a single long, hard object?! Also you do know that Pilonidal Disease is just an infected hair follicle right? Did you just google a random ass disease then make up the gayest possible treatment for it?! I mean I get it, my husband is definitely a hot piece of ass, but this is just ludicrous!”

Jack Stone crosses his arms.

“There’s nothing wrong with expressing my creativity! I’m an artist damnit!”

“Stop writing gay fanfiction about my husband! Your writing sucks and it will never go anywhere!”

Jack Stone leans forward in his chair and smirks.

“Wanna bet?!” He says to an enraged Cadence.

Cadence sits in a cushioned red chair next to Shining Armor. They’re both well-dressed and surrounded by countless humans who are wearing either tuxedos or fancy dresses. Cadence stares at the stage as a woman holding an envelope approaches the podium. Cadence plants a hoof into her face.

“I can’t believe this. Not only did they make a film out of his crappy fanfiction, but now he’s up for an Oscar?!” Shining sighs as Jack leans in from the seat next to the couple.

“We did it Shining.” He whispers, slowly placing his hand on Shining’s leg. Shining leans over and bites Jack’s hand angrily. Jack quietly yells in pain as he takes his hand back and shakes it.

The lady at the podium leans into the microphone.

“And the winner for tonight’s golden globe is…” She opens the envelope.

“Jack Stone in The Pony In The Striped Pajamas!” The auditorium erupts in applause. Jack flings himself out of his chair and runs on stage. Shining narrows one eye and leans towards his wife.

“Isn’t The Boy In The Striped Pajamas about the holocaust? Did he seriously use that as the title?”

Cadence groans loudly as an image of Jack Stone and an actor who played Shining appears on a massive screen for the audience. Shining leans over to his wife.

“So is this sexual harassment yet or…” Jack suddenly appears next to Shining and puts his arm around Shining’s shoulders.

“It’s not sexual harassment, it’s Jack Stone!” Jack gives a smile and thumbs up at the photographer as they take a picture of the two. Shining closes his eyes and hangs his head in the picture.

Jack Stoooone!

Chapter 10: Goodknight Spike

Spike sits on the steps of Sugar Cube Corner, propping his head up with one arm as he stares sadly at Rarity. Pinkie opens the door and looks down at the little dragon.
“Spike, just go talk to her!”
Spike lets out a long sigh.
“But what would I even say?”
A mysterious man walks up from Spike’s right.
“Maybe I can help?” The man says, in a deep, rough voice that’s filled with douchebag. Pinkie sighs and narrows her eyes.
“Jack please just let Spike figure it o-” Jack holds a hand up to Pinkie Pie.
“Jack Stone: his bushy brown hair glistens magnificently from years of hairgel abuse. His fluffy mustache cries out for you to tug it. “ Pinkie blinks a few times.
“We already know who you are, why are you-” Jack flexes one arm, while pointing the other at the sky majestically.
“His large brown aviators say “I’m not afraid to shop at Walmart.”. His shirt is only white because it defeated all other colors in mortal combat.”

Pinkie shrugs with confusion.
“Are...you introducing yourself in the third person?”

Jack wraps an arm around Pinkie’s mid section, squeezes her tightly and holds out his other arm like he’s painting a sunset in front of her.
“His red tie is so inspiring, it makes all other birthday presents inadequate. He is-”

Pinkie cuts him off with an annoyed tone.
“The least interesting man in the world. Yes, we’ve all seen the Dos Equus commercials.”

Jack drops Pinkie who hits the ground with a pitiful squeak, then smirks arrogantly.
“Trust me Spike, if there’s one thing that chicks love, it’s a man that can fight!” Jack says, while balling his fist in front of Spike’s face. Spike sits up and looks mesmerized.
“R...really?! Well how do I do that?”
Jack smirks.
“Tell you what Spike, go over there and start talking to Rarity, then I’ll come over and give you a hard time. You’ll fend me off or something and win yourself that mare!”

Spike jumps to his feet and high fives Jack. Pinkie shakes her head.
“This is not gonna end well.”

Spike walks up to Rarity, who’s examining a new piece of silk. He stands behind her and swallows, with his hands behind his back. He clears his throat which makes the mare turn around.
“Oh hi Spike!” She says happily.
“Hi Rare! Sure is a nice day to...just hang out...right here...right?”
Rarity stares at Spike for a moment.
“Well..I suppose it is but-”
“Hey look what we got here, a baby dragon and his slut!”
Spike’s eyes widen. He turns around and glares at Jack Stone.
“Dude! Not cool!” He whispers angrily so only Jack Stone SUPER COP! can hear him.
Jack takes a few steps forward.
“Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do about it?” Spike pretends to roll up his sleeves and marches over to Jack Stone.
“Sir, you have offended my lady for the last ti-”

Spike gasps as Jack Stone pulls on a leash. Two large rottweilers that are each three times the size of Spike growl at him angrily. Spike puts his hands up defensively and slowly walks backwards. Jack lets the dogs go, who pounce on Spike and start biting him everywhere. Spike flails his arms and screams, as Rare runs away. After a few seconds, the dogs stop biting Spike, who lays on the ground weak and motionless. One dog nudges Spike with his front paw. The two dogs look at each other and shrug. Scootaloo comes trotting happily out of a building with a large colt and mare following her. She jumps up and down excitedly.
"I can't believe I finally have parents!" she cheers with all her might. The dogs narrow their eyes, bark loudly at the family and start chasing the parents down an alley. Jack Stone plays with his hands nervously, trying to block out the horrible distant screams and fighting.

Jack crouches down next to Spike, who groans on the ground with numerous marks all over his body.
“Um...alright I may have overestimated your fighting abilities. Tell you what, next time is a guaranteed win alright? That’s a Jack Stone promise!” He says, while laying a comforting hand on a wound of Spike’s, who groans weakly.

Rarity is deep in thought as she reads a scroll by herself in the middle of Ponyville. Spike walks up with a white bandage across his left arm.
“Um...hi Rare!” Rarity turns around with a smile on her face.
“Oh hi Spikey wikey! How are you?”
“He’s about to be in a world of hurt after I put enough bullets in him to stop a riot in Detroit!” Jack Stone stands arrogantly with his hands on his hips. Spike marches up to him.
“Sir, you have offended my lady for the last ti-”
Rarity jumps as a gunshot rings out. Spike falls to the ground holding his left arm, screaming in pain. Jack hunches down next to Spike, with his handgun in his right hand.
“Dude, you were supposed to catch that!” He whispers. Spike turns to Jack Stone.
“How the hell am I supposed to catch a bullet you idiot?!” Spike screams. Jack rubs the back of his neck. He looks over at Rarity who runs off shrieking.
“Alright my bad, tell you what, let’s try this again but I’ll go easier on you okay?”
Spike groans angrily.
“I...I think I should probably just…” Jack places a finger on Spike’s mouth.
“Shhhh, just let uncle Jack take care of everything alright?” Jack slowly slips away.

Spike slowly makes his way up to Rarity. He has an IV bag suspended on a pole with wheels that he pushes in front of him. He also has a bandage on his left arm, with numerous bite mark all over his body.
“H...hey Rare.” He says weakly.

Rare turns around. She opens her mouth to speak, but gets cut off by Jack Stone, seemingly from far away.
“Careful Spike! You don’t wanna get sucked into her massive vag like ants into a vacuum cleaner!”

Spike turns around and gets plowed into by Jack Stone’s police cruiser. Spike rolls onto the windshield. As Jack applies the brakes, Spike goes sailing through a schoolhouse window. Dozens of tiny screams can be heard coming from inside. Spike groans in agony ontop of a table. Jack runs in, wearing a facemask and a red cape. He sets up a tall ladder, climbs it, then jump off while driving his elbow into Spike’s stomach. Spike crashes through the table. Jack scoops up Spike’s arm and pins him to the ground.
“Chief! Give me a three-count!” Jack yells. A fat man wearing a brown suit, with thinning red hair and a weak mustache, comes sliding across the floor. He slaps the ground three times before blowing his whistle. Jack gets up and sticks both arms in the air.
“Yes! World champion!” He yells. The chief puts a belt around Jack’s waist.

Spike lays in the hospital recovering when he receives an anonymous note. The note is created using random letters cut from magazines. Spike gasps as he reads it aloud.
“If you wanna see Rarity again, meet me at Applejack’s barn or else.”

A polaroid falls out, showing an unconscious Rarity, tied to a chair with a gag in her mouth. Spike throws the note to the side, grabs his crutches and starts hobbling to the door.
Spike hobbles up the road as fast as he can. He screams as he sees Applejack’s barn is a raging inferno. He gets as close as he can, but shields his face with his arm. Jack Stone runs up behind him.
“Oh no Spike! Hurry! Come with me!” Jack and Spike climb into his cruiser and speed down the road. Jack swings by Slurpie King and gets two drinks. They drive back to the barn and get out. Jack puts a comforting hand on Spike’s shoulder.
“Good thing we got there in time Spike! I wasn’t gonna pay full price for a slurpie!” Spike motions at the barn angrily.
“What are we gonna do about Rarity and the fire?!” Jack stares at the barn as part of the roof caves in.
“Oh...um, don’t worry Spike there’s other fish in the sea!” Spike growls angrily and charges into the barn. He leaps over fallen beams and dives across scorched hay. He gets to Rarity, unties her, and throws her over his shoulder. Spike kicks open the back doors and rushes out. He lays Rarity on the ground before patting his tail in pain. Rarity groans as she slowly opens her eyes and looks up at Spike.
“S...Spike...you saved me!” She chooes gratefully. She carefully gets to her hooves with Spike’s help. Spike looks at the ground and sighs.
“Rare...I have to be honest with you. I wanted you to like me so bad, I had Jack pretend to be a bully so I could stop him...then things got out of hand. I’m really sorry I just...I really like you!” Rarity puts a hoof to her chest sympathetically. She tilts Spike’s head up.
“Well...I guess one little kiss won’t hurt, will it?” She leans over and gives Spike a quick peck on the lips. Spike’s eyes grow wide as he stands there in shock. Several police cars pull up. Jack suddenly grabs Rarity’s forelegs and cuffs them behind her back. Rarity looks around confused.
“Hey! What are you doing?!” Jack Stone shakes his head disapprovingly.
“Making out naked with a minor?! You’re going away for a long time you monster!” Rarity gawks at Jack.
“I’m a monster?! You’re the one running around beating up on a baby dragon and committing arso-” Rarity screams and passes out as Jack pulls out a taser and zaps Rarity. Jack looks at his taser admirably.
“Good old Mr.Sparky.” Jack takes a knee next to Spike and put an arm around his shoulders.
“Sorry the love of your life turned out to be a sick pedophile Spike. Don’t worry though, there’ll be others, and good old Jack Stone here will always have your back.” Spike continues to stare ahead in shock as Applejack runs up.
“What in the sam hell happened to my barn?!” Jack and the chief look over at each other. Jack shoves Spike to the ground.
“Spike did it!” He yells, before everyone hops in their cop cars and drives off.

Chapter 11: Eye of the Tiger

Cadence cries out in pain, as her newest eyebrow piercing is caught on a palace curtain. She timidly tries to pull it loose but gives up after the pain is unbearable. Jack Stone walks up. “Don’t worry Princess, I’ll save you!” Jack crouches down next to her, and pulls out his pistol

Cadence looks at him in horror.
“Don’t you dare!”
Jack points his gun at the piercing.
“Don’t worry, I’ll just shoot away the fabric and you’ll be fine!” Cadence backs up the best she can.“That’s not going to work, just go away!”
Jack sighs.
“Okay calm down or I’m going to miss. Are you ready?”
Cadence shakes her head.
Jack does his best to sound soothing.
“One...two…”
Cadence closes her eyes, with her mouth trembling.
A tiger leaps out from behind a second set of curtains, pouncing on Jack and starts mauling him viciously. Jack cries out, trying to guard his head from the tiger’s claws. It claws his arms a few times, before chewing on his ankle. The tiger gets off and casually walks outside. Jack Stone slowly gets to his feet, with his clothing shredded.
An oddly placed radio against the wall, squeals to life.
“All units, all units! Robbery in progress on 17th and Fancis! Suspect is armed and dangerous!”
Jack gets up valiantly.
“Alright Cadence! Time to move!”
Cadence holds up her front hooves defensively.
“Hold on, let me find a foalsitter!”

Cadence sighs before opening the door to Celestia’s room. Celestia lays on her side, with a pack of cigarettes. She takes a long drag, watching Cadence as she enters.
“Celestia, I’m sorry I know you never get free time but I need a foalsitt-”
Celestia uses her magic to put the cigarette out on her flank. She bites her lip and closes her eyes as her legs dig into her bed.
“Mmmmmmm yes, god yes! That’s what Tia likes!” Cadence’s mouth trembles in horror.
“I...I need a foalsitter for tonight if you can watch her for just a few hours-”
Celestia lights up a fresh cigarette, takes another long drag and lifts her top leg into the air.
“You Mr.Cigarette are going where the sun don’t shine!”
Cadence whirls around and yells “Nope!” before storming out.
Celestia runs after her and they catch up in the throne room.
“Oh come now Cadence, I can handle Flurryheart for just a few hours!” Cadence turns around angrily and stomps a hoof.
“NO! YOU’RE A TOTAL WEIRDO!”
Celestia rolls her eyes and leans over to Luna.
“There she goes, screaming in caps lock again.”
Luna sighs with annoyance.
“I hate it when she does that.”
Cadence starts trotting off again. Celestia runs over and puts a reassuring foreleg over her back.
“That was just aunt Celestia’s private time! You know I’d never do anything wrong to Flurryheart!” Cadence stops and hangs her head. Celestia keeps stroking her back before slowly narrowing her eyes and smiling.
“Have um...you ever been with a mare before?” She asks slowly and eagerly. Cadence whirls around angrily.
“This is exactly what I’m talking about! If you had a pair of testicles, I’d kick you in them!”
Celestia’s face slowly forms a grin.
“That can be arranged…” she says seductively. Cadence screams with anger before running over and decking Jack Stone SUPER COP! In the twig and berries.

Cadence looks in the backseat of Jacks’ cruiser as they drive down the road.
“Jack, why do you have four jars that have a gallon of peanut butter in them?” She asks suspiciously. Jack swallows.
“I...I like sandwiches?” He says, while avoiding looking Cadence in the eyes. I mean...he is driving so. Cadence picks up a flier on the floor of the passenger seat.
“And whats with this flier for being locked in a room with a dozen puppies?” She says nervously. Jack grabs the paper from her and shoves it in his pocket.
“Look, I don’t asks you about your business, don’t ask about mine!”
Jack skids to a stop in front of a hospital.
“We’re here.” Cadence stares at the hospital, before looking across the street at a gas station with several cop cars around it.
“Um...pretty sure it’s the gas station.” Jack Stone opens his door.
“Nope. This is it.” Jack Stone stops in front of the sliding glass doors and tries to kick them in. As they open, Jack's foot sails harmlessly between them. He falls to the ground, unintentionally doing the splits then holds his knee in pain. He rolls around screaming in pain.
“Damn terrorists! What will they think of next?!” He looks up after hearing screams coming from a back room. He leaps to his feet and bolts down the hallway. He enters a room with two surgeons in scrubs and facemasks. Jack pulls out his pistol.
“Freeze criminals!” The two surgeons stare at him in shock. Jack Stone glares angrily at them.
“I’m getting this man out of here and you’d better not get in the way!” One of the surgeons looks at the other before she speaks.
“You can’t move him, he’s on life support!” Jack looks over at the machines and snorts.
“Or maybe you’re doing some sick experiment with cyborgs! Now stay out of the way!” Jack takes two steps forward. The other surgeon steps in front of him and holds his hands up timidly.
“We won’t let you kill this man!” Jack cocks an eyebrow and smirks.
“Oh really? How do you feel about...this!” Jack pulls out a cross and holds it up to the surgeon confidently. The surgeon looks at the cross for a moment.
“Wh...we’re not vampires you idiot!” Jack nods arrogantly.
“Ah, well then I’m sure you won’t have a problem with mace...that has silver in it!” He whips out a mysterious can and sprays both the surgeons in the eyes, who grab their faces and fall to the floor screaming.
“Ha! Nice try you undead freaks!” Jack Stone grabs the man on the gurney around the midsection and hoists him onto his shoulder. The machines let out sharp, loud beeps as he rips the man free. Jack Stone goes to the door and turns around dramatically.
“Assimilate this.” Jack pulls out his pistol and shoots both the monitors, that explode in a cloud of smoke and sparks.
Jack walks out of the room and looks down the hall to his left. Several staff members stare at him, all with facemasks.
“Damn! It must be a hive! I have to find the queen and take her out!” Jack Stone runs to the stareway on his right. He takes one step up and looks at the man on his shoulder.
“Sorry buddy, gotta save the world and I’ll need every ounce of speed I can get!” He lets the man slide off his shoulder, who then proceeds to slump over to the descending stairs and tumbles down them.
Jack races up a few flights and plants himself against the wall next to the door. He peers out into the hallway before doing a front roll and drawing his gun. He looks at three closed doors as Cadence runs up while panting from behind.
“Jack! We...we have to go! There’s some nutjob shooting up this hospital!”

Jack smiles while strokes his chin with the tip of his pistol.

“So logic suggests that the criminal has to...be in door two!” Jack reaches forward with a triumphant grin and kicks in the door to room 302.. He sighs, “Aw crap.”

A tiger jumps out from the box, pins Jack to the ground, and begins clawing and biting him. Cadence cocks an eyebrow and looks down at Jack. “Wow that tiger really doesn’t like you…”

The tiger walks away and Jack slowly gets back up. Cadence cocks an eyebrow.

“What the hell did you do to that make it hate you so much?” Jack Stone shrugs.

“I have no idea!”

One Year Ago

A lone bangel tiger sits in her enclosure at the zoo. She sighs with annoyance and tries to block out the random douchebag outside. Jack Stone does large, slow, unnecessary lunges a few feet away from the bars.

“Wow look at all this freedom I have! I can do whatever I want, even look at a stupid tiger!” The tiger rolls her eyes.

The tiger looks behind her when she hears someone shuffling. Jack Stone pelvic thrusts repeatedly, with the top of a steak hanging over his pants.

“Common, don’t you like your meat seasoned?” He says while smirking and thrusting his hips in every direction.

Later that day, the zookeeper comes into her habitat and drops off some meat, then quickly exits. As the tiger enjoys her meal, the creaking of the door draws her attention. Her eyes widen as she realises the zookeeper forgot to close it. She looks around nervously before slowly creeping closer to the door. Her ears perk up as she hears Jack Stone’s voice.

“Um excuse me sir, you forgot to close the door.” She hears the zookeeper’s grateful and surprised voice.

“Oh thank you sir! We certainly wouldn’t want her getting out!” The zookeeper walks back in, grabs the door and quickly closes it. The tiger runs up to the door and claws at it while roaring angrily.

Later that night, a security guard is walking along his path with a flashlight. He shines it left and right before being suddenly pulled into a bush by the tiger wearing all black clothing and a skimask. All that can be heard is mumbled cries of help, followed by several punches. The tiger leaps out of the bushes wearing the security guard outfit now. She walks along the same path and passes another guard. The guard looks down at her and waves.

“Hey Karl.” The tiger nods and lets out a casual growl in response. The guard continues walking. Another lone guard sits inside of a guard shack, with a box of donuts as he watches the security cameras. A tiger in a security guard outfit sneaks up behind him and snaps his neck. She types on the keyboard and watches as the harddrive for their security network gets deleted.

One last guard sits at the entrance, reading a magazine. She miraculously doesn’t notice a grappling hook being thrown over the wall to her right. A tiger runs forward, climbs the rope and jumps over the fence. She lands on the outside of the wall, lifts her head to the cool night air, closes her eyes and inhales at the sweet smell of freedom.

She jumps as the jingle of an icecream truck speeding down the road catches her off guard. She looks at it and focuses her ears towards it. She hears two voices coming from it. A female voice cries out with annoyance.

“Who the hell picks an icecream van to use in a high speed chase?!” She hears Jack’s voice immediately follow.

“Um an absolute badass that’s who!” The tiger glares at the truck and pulls out a switchblade. A security guard walks out of the zoo, stops and stares at the tiger.

“Oh hey Karl. A bunch of us are gonna get drunk and play pingpong, wanna come?” The tiger stares at him confused, before shrugging and following the zookeeper to his car.

Chapter 12: Ride Along

Button Mash exits from the backseat of a taxi. His dark brown hair gets tossed a bit from the wind. He stares at the police station as half a cop car sticks out of the front wall. Button Mash approaches slowly and enters through the glass door. He examines the cruiser’s back seat that sits firmly inside the station.

A middle-aged cop with black hair, looks up at Button Mash from his desk. Button Mash gives a small wave to the officer as he approaches his desk. Before the young colt gets a word out, he eyes a coffee mug on the man’s desk that reads “Nuke The Whales”. He stares for a moment then awkwardly pretends not to see it.

“Um..what’s with the...car?” he says, pointing a hoof at the cruiser.

The officer has a typical paper name tag that reads “Hi, my name is Ted!” on it. He inhales sharply.

“We lost the keys to the jail cell so we just put people in there.” Ted’s voice is nasally with a light British accent.

Button Mash blinks a few times. “Can’t you just get...replacement keys?”

Ted sets down his pencil and reclines back, locking his fingers across his stomach.

“Those are in a metal box on the wall. We lost the keys to that as well.”

Button Mash nods slowly and his cheeks turn a light red. He glances behind him and sees several criminals tied up and gagged on the floor against the wall. Button Mash looks at Ted again.

“So...why are these guys here then?”

Ted nods in disappointment. “Well it turns out the car’s rear doors got jammed when Officer Stone backed it in here, so we can’t open it.”

Button Mash nods and examines the cruiser one more time. “Is um...there a person in the back?”

The officer looks at the car and smiles reminiscently. “Oh him, that’s Dead Jimmy. He’s how we found out we couldn’t open up the back. Good thing we never gave him his phone call eay?” Ted leans back and laughs. “Yeah we have a pretty low budget to fix stuff ‘round here. I mean I don’t technically have any bullets. Any one of these jerks could just rush me at any moment or just make a dash for it really.”

Button Mash glances at them uncomfortably. “So why don’t they?”

Ted points at a robot in the corner that is slumped against the wall. It has an egg-shaped body, and your stereotypical robot arms and legs. “That there is Arrest-o-tron. He’s meant to just grab you by the upper body and restrain you, but the servos in his shoulders are locked up so he just accidentally decks you in the sausage instead. Poor Jimmy found out about that when he first got out of his cell. Guess that’s what we get for not being able to lock it eay? We used to have Arrest-O-Tron also feed prisoners too, but due to a glitch in his processor, he’d sometimes switch to arrest mode on the spot. Imagine one minute you’re being spoon-fed applesauce, then the next you get a good ol’ Rocky Balboa to your twig and berries. Course Officer Stone wrote it off as a weight loss program.”

Button Mash tilts his head to the side and blinks several times in confusion. “Wait...you have money for a robotic cop, but not new keys?!”

Ted looks down at his paperwork and continues finishing his form. “Well, Officer Stone spent our budget for the entire year on a new sound system for his cruiser.”

Button Mash shrugs condescendingly. “Okay so where’s this awesome cruiser then?”

Ted points at the car in the wall. “Jimmy got to hear the sweet sounds of what can only be described as a rap battle but only using polka music. We didn’t know it at the time, but apparently playing the same song all day is a form of torture. Course we couldn’t hear him over the music so we just let him be. Turns out his head banging was a cry for help, not his passionate love for polka like we thought.”

Button Mash’ mouth hangs open before he shakes his head furiously and puts on a friendly tone.

“Well hi, my names Button Mash. I was wondering if there was some kind of program where I could do a ride-along?” The officer, without changing from his lethargic demeanor, points to the right with his pencil. Button Mash looks over at the distance office, thanks the officer and walks up to the closed door. After a few knocks, he hears a gruff voice telling him to enter.
When Button Mash opens the door, he sees a much heavier man, with thinning red hair, a thick mustache and a brown suit. The man’s eyes bulge at Button Mash and he quickly takes the mirror with white powder off his desk and places it inside a drawer. Button Mash pauses, blinks a few times, then does his best to calmly approach the desk. The man switches to a suspicious expression.
“You a cop? You have to tell me if you are.”
Button Mash stares quietly for a few seconds. “Isn’t like...everyone here a cop though?”

The chief sits silently and continues to glare at Button Mash.
Button Mash slowly nods, with his eyes nervously darting to the sides. “Ah, well my names Button Mash, I was wondering if I could possibly do a ride-along? I just thought it would be interesting to get a cop’s perspective.”
The man nods a few times, still keeping his eyes narrowed. ”I’m the chief. Don’t take it personally, but I hate you.”

The chief picks up a coffee mug and takes a sip. On the mug is a picture of him, sitting in the exact same pose and outfit he is now, glaring angrily at whoever can see the picture.
“We don’t really have anyone available.” He says, while setting his mug back down. They both look up as a police cruiser skids to a stop outside the office window, ramming another parked cruiser out of its way.

A man climbs out of the driver’s seat furiously. His bushy brown hair glistens magnificently from years of hair gel abuse. He strokes his fluffy mustache that cries out for you to tug it. His large brown aviators say “I’m not afraid to shop at Walmart.”. His shirt is only white because it defeated all other colors in mortal combat. His pants are so gray, some wonder if they’re made out of whales. He is: the least interesting man in the world.

Button Mash points at him and turns to the chief.

“What about him? He seems interesting.”

The chief sighs and bows his head. “That’s Jack Stone. I don’t think you’d like that.” Button Mash recoils slightly.

“Are you sure? That’s a pretty interesting name.”

The chief blinks with a look of utter contempt. “Please reconsider.”

Button Mash carefully raises his hooves in protest. “Oh come on! It’ll be fun! I swear I won’t get in the way!”

The chief shrugs. “Your funeral. Just...go and ask.”

Button Mash thanks him then gallops outside. He stops suddenly as Jack pulls a man out of the back of his car, who’s bound in handcuffs and a gag. The man’s eyes are wild and terrified. Jack lays him on the ground and looks up at Button Mash, who waves happily.

“Hi, I was told I can do a ride along with you?”

Jack cocks an eyebrow. Jack’s voice is deep and full of arrogant douchebag.

“You got parents?”

Button Mash stares on confusion for a few seconds. “Um...well yeah, why?”

Jack sighs with annoyance.

“So people would come looking for you then? Alright um...yeah just go ahead and get in.”

Without another word, Button Mash runs over and hops into the passenger seat. Jack gets back in and leaves his prisoner on the sidewalk in handcuffs and a gag. Button Mash looks over his shoulder as Jack puts the cruiser in drive. “Um...what about that guy?” He says, while pointing behind them.

Jack shrugs. “He’ll be fine.”

Button Mash nods and looks forward. “So what did he do?”

Jack Stone glares and slowly looks over at Button Mash.

“The worst crime of all...drugs!” Jack says dramatically.

Button Mash looks down for a second in thought then looks up. “Um...are you sure that’s the worst crime imaginable? I just kind of feel like there’s worse things than...drugs- wait why did you ask about my parents again?”

Jack quickly flips on the radio and blasts the inside of the car with the wonderful sound of Elton John’s Rocket Man then drives off.

The handcuffed man looks around fearfully, as a pack of wolves slowly start emerging from the nearby bushes while growling.

Button Mash and Jack Stone speed along the street in Jack’s cruiser. Button Mash turns to Jack while playing with his hooves in his lap. “You uh...just ran a red.”

Jack slowly looks over at Button Mash. The two stare silently for a bit before Button Mash speaks up again nervously.

“Um...you just ran another red light. Please watch the road?”

Jack Stone looks forward and laughs. “Look Button Mash, as a cop, I get certain privileges. One of those privileges is being able to ignore a whole slew of traffic laws.”

Button Mash blinks a few times silently. “Yeah I don’t think that’s like...ever been true. If anything, as a cop, you’re supposed to set an example.”

Jack laughs and shakes his head arrogantly. “Um first off, it’s your. Secondly...shut up.” Button Mash narrows his eyes in confusion. “Did...you can’t correct that when I’m speaking.”

Jack lets out another annoying laugh and places his hand on Button Mash’ shoulder.

“Oh you poor poor thing if only you knew the truth.”

Button Mash shifts uncomfortably and forces as much friendliness in his tone as he can. “I take it you’re like a ...conspiracy theorist? Like with the earth being flat and JFK? That kinda stuff?”

Jack grips the steering wheel tightly. “Alright first off, JFK shot first. Let’s just be clear about that. Secondly-” Jack slams on his breaks as a brown, old fashioned Buick cuts him off. The other car honks at Jack before speeding down the street. Jack glares and puts the car in a higher gear.

“Let’s roll.” He says angrily.

A thrilled smile crosses Button Mash face as he grips the sides of his seat. “So we’re like...gonna chase him and set up like spike strips and stuff right?” Button Mash looks over at Jack and becomes horrified as Jack rolls down his window.

“Take the wheel.” Jack says dramatically. He reaches into the back and grabs a spas 12 gauge and cocks it, sending an unspent shell into Button Mash’ face. Jack climbs out the window, until half his body is exposed.

Button Mash screams as he latches onto the steering wheel while frantically trying to control the vehicle. Jack puts a few rounds into the offending cars bumper, who then floors it while swerving madly. Jack leans down a bit.

“Speed up! We gotta nail this scumbag!”

Button Mash switches between staring down the road and looking up at Jack. “Why are we doing this?!” Button Mash shrieks.

Jack Stone glares. “Because it’s the law.” Jack says menacingly as he cocks his shotgun, hitting Button Mash in the face with another unspent shell.

“Stop doing that!” Button Mash screams.

Jack holds his shotgun in his right hand and uses it to press the gas pedal to the floor. Button Mash swerves wildly, doing his best to dodge slower cars. Jack smirks happily.

“See?! You’re a natural!” Button Mash lets out a high-pitched wail as Jack accidentally discharges his shotgun into the floor, right between Button Mash’ legs. Jack stares at Button Mash for a few seconds.

“Sorry...alright there he is, get right on his bumper and force him off the road!” Button Mash stammers madly as his face turns white while clutching the steering wheel.

“Wait, what?!” Button Mash screams again as he rams the back of the Buick. Jack Stone puts a few rounds into the back-left tire and the car swerves off the road as the tire pops. The Buick kicks up grass and dirt until it hits a hole, causing it to roll over several times, but landing upright. Smoke pours out of the hood as the driver leans against the steering wheel.

Jack leans into the window again.

“Alright go ahead and pull over.” Button Mash looks around in shock with tears running down his face.

“Wh...what?! Stop?! What’s going on?! I don’t know what to do!” Jack sighs and shakes his head.

“It’s cool, I got it.” Jack uses his shotgun to blow out the tires on the left side of the cruiser, causing it to spin a few times before grinding to a stop. Jack Stone hopes out and runs over to the Buick, leaving Button Mash shaking in the driver’s seat. Jack peers inside the Buick’s shattered window.

“You’re under arrest punk!”

The man, with short black hair and a light beard looks up at Jack Stone furiously. “For what?!” he shrieks.

Jack scoffs and laughs condescendingly. “Um for evading arrest, not pulling over and trying to lowkey tell me how to do my job?”

The man tenses up and shrugs dramatically. “You ran a red light and almost broadsided me! You didn’t even have your lights on! How the hell was I supposed to know to pull over?!” Jack looks back at his cruiser, that sits there silently. Jack looks back at the man. “Oh yeah? Well guess what?”

The man looks up at Jack Stone cautiously. “Um...what?”

Jack pulls out a tiny packet from his chest pocket that has a white powder in it. He tosses it into the man’s lap. “You’re under arrest.”

Button Mash climbs out of the car. “Jack! The radio said there’s another car speeding this way! It’s like...black or something!” Jack narrows his eyes and runs back to his cruiser. He uses his shotgun to blast open the lock on the trunk, before tossing it open and pulling out a spike strip. Jack runs fifty feet down the road and lays the strip across the asphalt.

Jack motions at Button Mash to join him on the side, several yards away from the spikes. Button Mash runs from the cruiser and crouches next to Jack. Button Mash strokes the back of his head timidly. “Shouldn’t we like...move your car and like...do something about the other guy...that you just framed?”

Jack looks over at the beat-up Buick that now has flames spewing out from under the hood. “Naw, he’s fine.”

A black car comes speeding along the road, hits the spike stripe and slams into Jack’s cruiser, forcing it off the road. The black car’s rear wheels lift off the ground on impact before slamming back down. Jack walks up, tosses his shotgun to the side and pulls out his pistol. He cocks it, sending an unspent bullet twirling into the grass. Button Mash shakes his head, still staying low in the grass.

“Man he wastes like...a lot of ammo. I mean technically he hasn’t done anything productive with any of it but still.”

As Jack Stone begins to approach the car, he hears sirens in the distance. He nods approvingly as an ambulance comes barreling down the road. It hits the spike strip, flies off the highway and rolls several times, landing on its top. Jack stares quietly for a few seconds.

“Oh right…the spike strip.”

Jack turns back to the black car and approaches it cautiously. He looks in the back seat, which is full of ziplock bags, stuffed with white powder. Jack makes his way to the driver window and leans against the car.

A woman in all black, wearing a ski mask looks up at him weakly. Jack nods a few times.

“We doing a lot of baking today I take it?”

The woman narrows her eyes. “Yeah...a lot of baking.” she says while rolling her eyes. Jack nods sympathetically. “Well my bad, miscommunication, you’re free to go.” Jack pulls out his brown leather wallet and removes a twenty, then hands it to her. “Here’s for the damages.” She takes the twenty, stares at it then looks around at her shattered windshield, crumpled up front end and all four lacerated tires. She gazes back up at Jack Stone, SUPER COP!

“Um...thanks.”

Jack Stone gives her a respectful nod then turns around as Button Mash runs up.

“Wait why are you letting her go?!” He yells while motioning to her back seat. Jack looks at the car then back to Button Mash. “We got nothing on her, that’s why.”

Button Mash stares in confusion for a second, before grabbing a bag out of the back seat. He pulls out a pencil from his pocket and holds them up to Jack Stone.

“Okay quick test, which one of these is drugs?” He says, as if talking to a child.

Jack chuckles, gets down on one knee and places a hand on Button Mash’s shoulder. “Look Button Mash, as a cop, I know the feeling of wanting to catch bad guys, but sometimes we have to accept the fact that we’re wrong. We can’t just make assumptions. We have to follow the law as well.”

Button Mash begins several sentences while lost in a state of dumbfounded anger. “You...I can’t even begin to describe what’s wrong with everything you just said!”

The lady leans out of her window. “Yeah he’s right, you’re kind of an idiot.” Jack gets off the ground and walks over to her.

“Oh yah? Well guess what?” Jack pulls out a tiny clear bag of white powder from his pocket and tosses it into her lap.

“You’re under arrest punk!”

The end

Chp 1: Plot Holes and Egg Puns

A voice comes over the radio in Jack's police cruiser,
“Jack! We got a robbery in progress! 134th and Princeton!”
Jack reaches down with his badass hand and answers his badass radio.
“A little busy chief, this ambulance just cut me off!.” Jack's voice is deep and raspy, like your standard badass but with an unhealthy spoonful of douchebag on top.
The chief's voice shakes nervously, like when you're making a racist joke at work.
“Um...it's an ambulance. They're allowed to do that.”
Jack pauses for a second.
"Well I already shot out its tires so too damn bad."
Jack hangs up the radio...or turns it down, whatever you do with radios when you’re done.
Jack smooths back his badass mass of curly brown hair that's rock solid from years of hair gel abuse. His big badass fluffy brown mustache is accompanied by a crappy pair of aviators because they all look stupid no matter what.

Jack pulls up to a bank and sees three criminals with ski masks on and a few light brown bags with dollar signs on them because why the hell not. He gets out of his car, and glares at the criminals.
"Put the bags down or you're all getting cavity searched!"
They stare back, pull out pistols and start shooting at him. Jack ducks inside of his cruiser. The shooters get into a black getaway car, and speed off. Jack gets out and examines his surroundings.
To the left, he sees a sports car, with the driver waving at Jack to get in. Besides the sports car, Jack sees a monster truck, as well as a landed helicopter, loaded with a SWAT team. Lastly to the right, he sees a tempting fourth option.
Jack narrows his eyes. “Bingo.”

Jack speeds down the street, with screaming fillies in the back of his school bus. The getaway vehicle may be long gone, but nothing detours Jack Stone! Not even common sense! As Jack bravely speeds down the road, with tiny pony children clawing desperately at the windows to get out, he sees several other cruisers barreling down the street after him.
Jack smirks.
“Looks like backup just arrived. Excellent.”
Jack hears a bullhorn from one of the cop cars.
“You in the bus, pull over immediately!”

Jack narrows his eyes angrily.
“Looks like this chase just got a bit...over-easy.” Jack laughs furiously at his own pun and slaps the steerling wheel.
He hears the bullhorn again.
“Just pull over the bus and you won’t be harmed!”
A young filly with white fur and a pink mane tugs on Jacks sleeve.
“Please Mr.! We just wanna go home!”
Jack sighs in annoyance.
“Hey, I need your advice like I need better adjectives!”
Jack takes a badass left, and then a badass right, before pressing on the badass accelerator.
Sparks from the front right rotor shower all the pedestrians on the sidewalk. Jack sighs with annoyance.
"Probably shoulda let the driver finish changing the tire before I pistol-whipped him."

Miraculously, and because I forgot where I was going with this, Jack sees the getaway car parked on the street.
He pulls up, and thinks for a moment.
“If there’s one thing I know about criminals, they won’t shoot children…”

The three robbers are upstairs arguing about who gets what cut, when the door is kicked in by Jack Stone, with two pistols drawn.
The three robbers bolt from their chairs, draw their guns and stare confused. Jack has a filly duct taped to each limb, with three on his chest, one across his crotch and one lying across his head.

Jack smirks confidently.
“Shoot me, and you shoot the fillies. Looks like I just...hardboiled your plans!”
One of the robbers, wearing a red jacket, is the first to speak.
“Dude you are one sick bastard! Luckily for us, we came prepared!” The robber motions to the left side of the room with his pistol, where several mares and colts are tied up and gagged. A second robber, in a blue jacket, grabs a hostage, and drags them over to the middle of the room with a gun to their head.
The third robber, with a green jacket, smiles valiantly.
“Looks like you’re out of moves pig!”
Jack narrows his eyes and smirks, because all Jack knows how to do is be a jackass and smirk.
“Oh really? Well two can play that game!” Jack runs over, grabs a hostage, drags them out to the floor, and puts a gun to their head. “Surrender or I start killing hostages!”
The robber in the red jacket speaks up.
“You...you can’t do that, you’re a cop!”
The green jacket robber starts to panic.
“If he starts killing hostages, then there won’t be anything to stop the police from raiding us!”
Jack laughs badassing-ly.
“A cop? No...I’m Jack Stone.” Jack pulls out a second pair of aviators and puts them on over his current ones. He starts shooting at the robbers who duck behind cover.

They try to get a clear shot at Jack, who is still covered in fillies. The children scream loudly. Jack watches carefully from behind cover, that he doesn’t technically need thanks to the robbers sense of morality...ironically.
Jack sees an opening, and fires. The bullet bounces off the counter, and the ceiling fan, nailing the blue robber in the head. The green jacketed robber decides to try and get a lucky shot in. He fires at Jack, who catches the bullet in midair, and throws it back at the robber, killing him instantly. The red robber gets up with his hands raised.
“Ok fine I give up.”
Jack glares, “Sorry but...looks like you counted your eggs before they hatched.” Jack points his pistol at the robbers head. The robber starts to panic.
“You...you can’t do this, it’s murder!”

Jack stares for a moment, “Murder? No, this is Jack Stone.” Jack shoots him in the face. He untapes the fillies from his body. The white one from before bites his ankle before she runs off crying. Jack yells furiously.
“Hey! You should be grateful, I technically deputized you all! You’ll never make it in the force with that kind of attitude!” A fourth robber with a yellow jacket and black ski mask bursts out of the refrigerator. He has a submachine gun and begins spraying bullets at Jack. Jack dives behind a pillar, as the robber continues to shoot at him.
The robber begins to gloat.
“Looks like you’re out of options piggy!”
Jack glances from behind the pillar.
“Clearly you don’t know….Jack.” Jack puts on a third pair of aviators before diving out the window. As he dives out, he flails his arms as the building explodes behind him. Jack lands on the ground all superhero like...like you know how Black Widow always lands? With like her right arm and leg out, and she looks up all badass? Yeah like that.

The chief runs up to Jack, he has red hair with a bushy mustache the same color, and yes the curtains do match the drapes. He’s heavy set, which is the politically nice way of saying he’s really fat. “Jack! Nice job taking out those bank robbers!” He talks like he’s constantly groaning, and toned down just a few notches.

Jack puts his hands proudly on his hips.
“I guess you could say it was all...sunny side up!” Several officers walk up to Jack Stone laughing, along with six super models in bikinis who all put their arms around Jack, laughing as well.

Jack Stone stands in front of Princess Celestia, who has a very annoyed look on her face. “So...you went after some bank robbers. How much of that story is actually...true?”
Jack Stone looks down at the ground with guilt.
“Everything except the actual bank robbers happened...I may have taste-tested some stuff from our evidence locker back at the station…”
Celestia stares at Jack in confusion.
“So...you tasted something that was probably drugs, stole a school bus full of foals, duct-taped the same children to yourself, shot and blew up a building, then were greeted by supermodels…”

Jack shrugs with a gigantic smug smile.
“What can I say, I guess crack really...cracks me up!” Jack laughs loudly as the same six supermodels in bikinis from before walk up to Jack laughing as well, and put their arms around him.
Celestia looks around the room confused. She rolls her eyes before pulling out a flask.
“I’m getting too old for this crap.” She mutters.

Chapter 6: Fan appreciation chapter where Pinkie and Jack annihilate the 4th wall.

Author's Note

I've had a lot of suggestions over the course of this story, and I've decided to make a special chapter dedicated to everyone who follows this crap.

Chapter 6: Fan appreciation chapter where Pinkie and Jack annihilate the 4th wall.

Jack Stone sits in a chair in Twilight's Castle. She goes over her checklist on her clipboard before addressing Jack.
"Ok Jack, now I'm just going to run a few tests on you...please put your pants back on."
Jack, "Oh...when you said you were going to test my special abilities I just kinda assumed-"
"Please just put your pants back on." says Twilight with a completely natural tone.

Twilight sets down her clipboard and trots over to Jack excitedly.
"Ok now just relax,. First I'm going to study your aviators."
Twilight pulls off his aviators and stares at him confused. "That's...that's weird..."
Jack Stone cocks an eyebrow. "What?"
Twilight stares at him in bewilderment. "I...I removed them but there's just...instantly another pair underneath...like I ...don't even see...how..."
Twilight pulls pair after pair off Jack's face. After a few minutes, there's a pile of aviators.
Twilight stands there dumbstruck. "I...I don't understand..."

Twilight looks behind her nervously as Pinkie Pie picks up a pair of aviators.
"Nopony move!" cries Pinkie dramatically, sticking her hooves out to the sides as she balances on her hind legs. "I'm about to science!"
Pinkie slowly puts on the aviators and stands there quietly.
After a few seconds Twilight gets concerned. "Are...are you feeling ok?"
Pinkie sighs, "Yeah...nothing cool happened. I feel like investigating something though."
Jack gets up excitedly. "Then let's go solve a crime!"
Jack runs over and highfives Pinkie. Twilight stares at both of them with worry. "Wait you can't just go solve crimes! You need special training for it! What if somepony gets hurt?!"
Jack scoffs. "Um...I have a badge?"
Twilight narrows her eyes. "Yes but Pinkie doesn't."
Jack shrugs. "Naw it's cool, I got extras in the car."
Twilight stares at him confused, "Wait...why do you have extras? Aren't you only suppose to have one? And what if somepony gets their hands on them? They could pretend to be a cop and cause a lot of damage!" she says with concern.
Pinkie Pie rubs her chin, "Hmmm...let me answer that with a simple scene change."

Pinkie Pie and Jack drive up to a local diner. Pinkie is still wearing Jack's aviators.
Pinkie turns to Jack. "Ok remember the plan."
Jack "What plan?"
Pinkie "Exactly."

Jack nods and the pair exit the vehicle and walk into the diner. Several patrons wave at Pinkie; she blatantly ignores them.
Pinkie glances around the diner and spots a couple near a back booth. Two colts, one brown with a tan mane, the other white with a black mane, are eating salads. Pinkie Pie and Jack walk up to the couple.

She gets on her hind legs and slams her front hooves down on the table. The two glasses and dishes shake a few times. "We have evidence that you were at Granny Smith's place the night of the robbery. We have your fingerprints on the stolen goods, and you got no alibi. Give us the confession, and we'll go easy on you."

The colts stare at eachother then back to Pinkie Pie. The brown colt speaks up nervously.

"Wh...what are you talking about?"
Jack Stone walks up and flips over their table. "Don't play coy with us! What's wrong, was old Mrs.Timberline not good enough for you?!"
The white colt is the next to speak. "Ok seriously we have literally no idea what you're talking about..."

Jack glares at them. "Literally?! Don't you talk about stories to me, criminal!"

Pinkie slowly turns and looks at Jack, before returning to the two colts.
Pinkie Pie grins. "That's what I thought. Book 'em." she says, pointing an angry hoof at the colts.
Several police cruisers skid to a stop at the restaurant. Every pony inside is taken in handcuffs and put into the back of a cruiser. Pinkie Pie and Jack stand at the colts table still, with triumphant grins on their faces.

Pinkie looks down at a candybar wrapper.
"Jack look! A clue!"
Pinkie and Jack stand over the wrapper. She picks it up with her hoof, despite not having fingers.
Pinkie raises a suspicious eyebrow, "Mars Chocolate bar. Mars is a planet. Planets have cycles. Cycling is a...sport..."
Pinkie thinks for a moment before her eyes bulge with realization...and a dash of crazy, "To the gym!"

Pinkie and Jack pull up to Hoofing It, a renown gym. Jack pulls off the steering wheel, revealing the shotgun. He pulls it out, leans back, and shoves it down his pants. Pinkie looks over at him, with a completely straight face. Jack looks back at her and shrugs. “It’s in case things get bad.” Pinkie nods slowly a few times.

As they get out of the car, Jack has to keep one leg straight and walks awkwardly up to the gym. The pair enter through the double glass doors. A mare with pink fur and a blue mane walks past them. Jack glares at her.
"We're on to you punk!" Jack says threateningly.
Pinkie glares at her as well. "You're gonna pay for what you did to those children!"

The mare stops and stares at them, before nervously trotting away.
Pinkie and Jack walk up to the counter. The cashier is turned around, going through files. Pinkie Pie clears her throat loudly. The cashier doesn't move. Pinkie clears her throat as loud as she can, but the employee still does nothing. Jack pulls out his shotgun from his pants and casually fires a round into the ceiling. The employee screams and turns around in terror. A few crumbs from the ceiling fall into Pinkie's mane. She sighs and brushes them out with her hoof.
Jack looks at the ground with guilt. "Sorry..." he mutters, before putting the shotgun back down his pants.
The cashier looks at them in horror. "Wh...what do you want?!"

Pinkie leans in close. "Pinkie Pie. Legally not suppose to be participating but whatever!" She says in a slow, dramatic voice.
Jack Stone whips out his wallet. He flips it open showing his badge. "Jack Stone. Detective." he says in a dramatic voice. His photo above his badge is him lying horizontally, with one arm propping up his head, and the other laying across his side. He's in white underwear, still wearing his aviators, socks and shoes but that's it. His pistol is shoved down the front of his underwear.

Jack rests an arm on the counter.
“Sources say you’ve been smuggling drugs. Care to...comment?”

The cashier looks confused.

“W...well no we don’t have any drugs here.”
Jack Stone smirks.
“So you won’t mind if we...look around?”

The cashier shrugs. “Yes that’s fine...I guess.”
They walk out to multiple rows of exercise bikes. They’re all empty except for Shining armor, who pedals away on one with headphones in his ears. Pinkie and Jack look at each other and nod. Jack walks up, pulls a rubber glove out of his pocket, and slips it on. He grabs Shining by the waist and holds him up.

Shining roars furiously.
“Wh...what the hell are you doing?! Get off me!”
They wrestle for a bit, as Jack keeps trying to angle his free hand behind Shining’s flank.

The cashier stomps an angry hoof.
“You can’t just barge in here and start searching anal cavities for drugs!”
Jack sets down Shining and looks at the cashier with worry.
“Drugs...yes...yes I was...searching for drugs…” Jack takes off the glove and puts it back in his pocket.

Pinkie Pie turns slowly towards the cashier.

“You seem to know quite a bit about your rights for someone who’s innocent.”
The cashier looks at Pinkie with a confused and angry glare.

“I know plenty about my basic rights! You can’t just come in here and start searching the ass of every customer for drugs on a hunch!”

Pinkie rubs her chin while smiling.

“Oh yeah? Well how do we know you’re not hiding something?”
The cashier stomps his hooves again.

“Stop putting emphasis on every word! That’s extremely annoying!”

Pinkie narrows her eyes and grins.

“That’s what I thought.” Pinkie points her hoof at the cashier threateningly.

“Book ‘em!”

Several cops pull up in police cruisers. They get out in full riot gear with batons. They storm the building and shatter the front windows as they start throwing tear gas inside. Multiple machines are kicked over and beaten savagely. One cop tackles an exercise bike and tries to put it in a headlock, while his buddy tasers it repeatedly. The cashier looks around in terror before he’s tackled by Jack Stone SUPER COP!

Jack Stone has the cashier on his stomach in front of him. Jack pulls out a pair of handcuffs.

“Put your legs behind your back! You're under arrest!”

The cashier turns his head to glare at Jack.
“I’m a pony, I can’t put my legs behind my back!”

Jack reaches into his pocket with his free hand and pulls out a rubber glove.

“Alright that’s it, you’re getting a cavity search!”

The cashier flails wildly and kicks the shotgun in Jack's pants. It goes off and blows a massive hole in the front counter, making Pinkie flinch. Several other cop cars pull up. Pony cops get out and start running towards the building. The human cops look up with worry.

“Oh crap, it’s the cops!” one of them yells. They grab the register and run towards the back door with it. A few others break into a vending machine and load up their pockets with candy bars. Two other cops pick up a cycling machine and carry it. They all run out the back door, including Pinkie and Jack.

Cadence rolls around in her bed annoyed, "If you're going to do a stakeout on me in my room, can you at least turn your headlights off?!" she yells angrily.
Pinkie reaches over from the passenger seat and turns off the headlights of Jack's cruiser.
Shining Armor sits up in bed, "Wait how did you sneak past the guards? And how did you get that car in here?!"
Cadence stares at Shining in horror, "No, don't!"

Pinkie narrows her eyes and grins triumphantly. She points at the couple, "Book 'em."
Several police cars pull up to the palace. Cadence and Shining are escorted out by several officers.
The chief walks up to Jack and Pinkie. ""Nice job you two!"
A few officers try to force Cadence into a cruiser.
"Get your hands off me, I'm a princess!"
Shining armor gets an arm free.
“Ok that’s it!” he yells angrily. He runs over, picks up Cadence and throws her at the two guards who were holding him. They fall to the ground with cries of helplessness. Shining looks over at the other two cops who were trying to arrest Cadence. He grabs his wife by the haunches, and hurls her at them. She spins in the air a few times, before toppling them over. Several other cops run at them, but Shining holds onto his wife, using her as a club, knocking them down left and right.

The chief looks at Pinkie and Jack slowly, who return the stare. All three of them turn around and run for it. The chief jumps a fence and keeps going. Pinkie and Jack run behind a building and pant in terror.

Pinkie looks over at Jack.”Ok, maybe it’s time to-” she stops talking as a blue ray erupts out of the darkness. The air is filled with the sound of crackling electricity and freezing ice forming around their bodies. Pinkie and Jack struggle, but are encased in ice, with only their faces free.
Dr. Weird steps out of the darkness. He rests his freeze ray against his shoulder, as he struts over to them, smiling happily. Jack lets out angry grunts as he tries to move his body.
“You just assaulted an officer!” he yells.
Dr. Weird sarcastically acts shocked.
“Assault an officer? No no, I just apprehended two wanted fugitives!”
Jack starts screaming in rage.
Dr. Weird pulls out a check and turns it to face Jack.
“By the way, your check bounced. Also writing in the memo line “You suck” is harassment. I’ll see you in court.”

Jack and Pinkie stand in front of Cadence. Shining armor sits to her right, with puffy red eyes, that do their best to glare. Cadence stands up in her throne and roars.

“You two are in some serious trouble! For every "crime" you tried to solve, you literally committed dozens of others! You arrested without probable cause about forty three ponies, who were held without food and water for days! What the hell do you two have to say for yourselves?!”

Jack looks at Pinkie and whispers to her. “Don’t worry, I got this.”

Jack puts his hands on his hips proudly, pulls out three pairs of aviators, and puts them on awkwardly. “I guess you could say that crime doesn’t...satisfy!”
Jack Stone laughs loudly as six super models walk up, laughing as well, and put their arms around Jack. Jack pistolwhips one of the models. As she lays there unconscious, Jack pulls off his badge and tries to pin it to her.

Cadence teleports in front of him, and kicks him in his twig and berries with her hind legs. Jack falls to the floor squealing in pain. Pinkie Pie looks at the scene in shock, and slowly back up towards a window. She glances at the guards nervously, who are too distracted by the commotion.

Cadence goes to town on Jack’s family jewels with her front hooves. Shining gets up and runs over to Jack’s head.
“You wanna search me for drugs Jack?” he roars angrily. Shining Armor turns around and aggressively plants his ass on Jack’s mouth and nose. “Go right ahead Jack, search it all for drugs!” he says angrily, while rubbing his rear all over Jack’s face as Cadence still wails on his junk. Jack lets out muffled cries of agony. Pinkie quietly opens the window behind her and hops out. She runs across the grass silently, disappearing in the distance.

Thank you all so so much for your continuing support! Sorry it's taken me so long to produce anything, I've been in a funk lately.
Special thanks to The Tenacious Lotus
and boardgamebrony
for prereading and keeping me motivated.