Screwball Mio Amoré

by Warren Hutch

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, Screwball, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Original Character, Comedy, Zecora
Length: 16337

Second part of the Screwball Trilogy. More loony rampages and a touch of romance

Button Stitch has contained the chaotic creature inside her, and is taking her first unsteady steps into the realm of relationships. Davenport, the proprietor of Ponyville's premiere supplier of Quills and Sofas, is the object of her fancy, and he thinks she's pretty neat too. Can romance bloom between the two most aggressively boring ponies in Ponyville?

Of course it doesn't go well. Murphy was a pony.

Continued in Screwball Over

Published 2012-06-16 21:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-16 21:54:01 UTC

Chapter 1

Rarity narrowed her sapphire blue eyes in concentration as a needle floated before her in the sparkling aura of her magic, awaiting a glimmering length of iridescent thread winding out from a nearby, hovering spool. A shoal of assorted sewing notions hung in the air about her, bobbing in the shimmering cloud that centered on her horn like apples on a tree in a mild summer breeze.

The crash of a hastily kicked open door accompanied by the frantic jangle of her shop's bell abruptly jarred her out of her reverie, causing the array of spools and scissors and pincushions to tumble to the floor as if the metaphorical apple tree had been soundly bucked by a metaphorical Applejack.

The alabaster coated unicorn looked up sharply with a polite yet pointed admonition on the tip of her tongue, which died before it reached her lips as she saw the beige earth pony mare who had sold her the assorted sewing supplies that were now scattered about her hooves.

Button Stitch wasn't so much standing in her doorway as she was frantically jogging in place, striking up a muffled staccato on the lavender hued carpet. Her golden brown mane and tail were thoroughly disheveled and she was sweating, having clearly run all the way to the Carousel Boutique from her little notions shop on the other side of Ponyville's market square.

Her expression was a mixture of elation and utter panic, and her voice came out as a hysterical squeal. "Rarity! He came to the shop! He came to the shop!"

The elegant unicorn gave her curling violet mane a toss as she stepped forward to greet her visitor with an arched eyebrow. "He who? Who came to your shop, Button dear?"

The earth pony shopkeeper left off jogging in place and started hopping in place. "Davenport! Davenport came to the shop!"

A knowing smile came to Rarity's face, as she lowered one eyebrow and raised the other in bemusement. "Ah, how lovely. I presume he needed a few sewing supplies to patch up some upholstery."

Button hopped higher and faster. "No! He didn't want to buy anything. He came to my shop to ask me if I wanted to go on a date with him!"

Rarity's smile widened and she fluttered her eyelashes. "Oh really? And what, pray tell, did you say to him?"

The beige pony abruptly stopped bouncing with a dull thud of all four hooves on the carpet, her iris' shrinking to pinpricks. Her ears levered back against her head as her voice took on a tremulous edge. "I... I didn't say anything. I... I... I just ran straight here..."

She let out a groan as she slumped down into a sitting position and covered her face with her fore hooves. "Ohhhh. Celestia's incandescent halitosis, I'm such a ninny..."

The alabaster unicorn let out a faint sigh and rolled her eyes as she walked over to her friend's side and laid a gentle hoof on her shoulder. "Now now, lets think this through calmly, darling. What, hypothetically, would you say to Mister Davenport's invitation, had you been present to answer him?"

Button Stitch wrung her hooves as she looked up at Rarity with tears starting at the corners of her amber eyes. "Why... I'd say yes! A thousand times yes! He's so handsome! And charming! And he knows so much about stationery!"

The unicorn gave her a fond smile as she glanced at a nearby vanity and grabbed up a brush and comb and floated them over with her magic. "Well then, lets see what we can do to give your gentlecolt caller a proper answer, shall we?"

***

Davenport sat morosely out in front of Button Stitch's notions shop, brooding over what might have gone wrong. The tan stallion tentatively lifted a hoof to his snout and blew a breath into it, taking an experimental sniff, then shook his head. All he could smell was linoleum.

Had he been too forward? Did he say something to offend? He recited the invitation he'd practiced all morning into his bathroom mirror under his breath. "Button Stitch, I think you're a beautiful, charming mare and I was wondering if you'd be willing to join me for dinner at the Bruschetta Grille."

He furrowed his brow. Maybe she didn't like Neightalian cooking. That was too bad, it was all you could eat breadsticks night too.

But it wasn't just breadsticks denied that made him slump his shoulders and hang his head. Button Stitch was a sweet filly and as cute as an ottoman, with a mane the color of polished teak and a coat like creamy velour upholstery. And she sure knew her stuff when it came to stationery.

Davenport had really thought he had a chance with her. They seemed to hit it off pretty well when they met at one of that crazy Pinkie Pie filly's pan-Ponyville parties down at the town sweet shop.

The tan stallion usually showed up late to these affairs, had some punch and a slice or two of cake, stuck to the sidelines and talked about the latest hoofball scores with some of the other colts, and then went back home to heat up a frozen dinner and fall asleep on his broncolounger with a paperback over his face.

That wonderful night when he met her, though, was unlike anything he'd ever experienced. He saw her standing at the buffet arranging the silverware, and when she turned and caught him staring she gave him a shy smile that made his heart almost pop open like a spring loaded sofa bed.

They spent the rest of the night talking and laughing about everything from grommets to staple removers, and he'd learned so much about different grades of yarn and what varieties were more useful for knitting versus crocheting. Davenport was a stallion who could appreciate the effect an afghan or a good lace doily could have on an otherwise boring couch. It was the same as the effect a good mare could have on an otherwise boring stallion. There was definitely something magical in the air that night.

The next party, she actually sought him out, and they talked and maybe even flirted a little. Davenport didn't really know much about flirting, but he was pretty sure he had been doing it, and she seemed to be responding positively. They'd even taken a turn together on the dance floor. Not so much dancing for real as standing next to one another and bobbing more or less in unison to the rhythm, but it was near enough to dancing for the two of them. He left that party in the early hours of the next day almost floating along like he was on low friction casters as he made his way back to his apartment.

And so over the ensuing weeks Davenport had been slowly working up the courage to stop by Button Stitch's shop and ask her out to dinner. After painstakingly planning out a date, composing his invitational speech, practicing it until he knew it so well he could recite it backwards, stopping in at the barber's for a trim and a brisk work over with a curry comb, and then walking that final furlong to her shop's neatly painted door with a single pink rose clenched in his teeth and his heart wedged firmly in his throat and beating like a thunderstorm... she'd turned him down. Emphatically.

Which brought him back to his current unhappy state of affairs. He'd had mares turn him down more times than he could count, but he'd never had one leap into the air with a huge gasp and flee as fast as her hooves could carry her.

That in itself was pretty awkward, but it was even more vexing that she left him standing alone in her place of business. While he did have his own business to get back to, he didn't feel right just leaving her place open and unwatched, even though he was more than a little crushed by her rejection. The sofa and stationery sales-stallion let out a sigh and looked around uncertainly as he kept his vigil by her unlocked front door.

A silvery, mannered voice called out to him, snapping him out of his bleak reverie. "Oh, hello there, Mister Davenport!"

He turned, and his eyes lit up with dawning hope as he saw Button Stitch standing there, her beige coat brushed and glossy, her mane hanging in gold tinged brown curls, a pink glow across her cheeks.

Standing a bit behind her was the glamorous, purple maned unicorn who ran the fancy mares' fashion boutique across town. He'd seen and discreetly admired her frequently at Ponyville's Chamber of Commerce meetings. She was a stunner to be sure, but Davenport had realized long ago that she was so far out of his league that he wasn't even in the same stadium, or even playing the same sport. He was a hoofball kinda guy, and she probably went in for ice dancing or dressage.

The alabaster mare cleared her throat as he turned his gaze back to meet Button Stitch's amber eyes.

After a long, awkward pause, Rarity cleared her throat again.

The unicorn's brow darkened, and she cleared her throat a vehement third time and jabbed the beige earth pony mare in the cutie mark with her horn.

Button let out a squawk and stood on the tips of her hooves, a torrent of words spilling out of her mouth in a higher and higher register. "YesDavenportIwouldliketogooutonadatewithyouveryveryverymuch!"

The stallion blinked, and a smile blossomed on his face. "R-really?"

Rarity chimed in, stepping up beside Button and throwing a foreleg over her shoulders. "Why, she'd be ever so delighted to accompany you, Mister Davenport. She was so very thrilled by your kind invitation that she raced to my boutique for a quick touch up so that she could accept in proper style."

She gave him a genteel smile as she watched her words sink in, leaning over to whisper in the beige mare's ear. "Keep breathing, dear. I'll do the talking."

Davenport let out a whoop and jumped for joy, which in turn caused Button to shriek with alarm and try to bolt in a clatter of hooves on cobblestones, only to be firmly held in place as Rarity's sisterly embrace tightened into a near headlock.

A beat later, the stallion regained his composure and smoothed back his brown forelock with a shaking hoof. "Ah heh. I mean, great! Great! I was thinking dinner at the Bruschetta Grille. That is, if you even like Neightalian cuisine. It's all you can eat bread stick night tonight!"

Button gave him a wavering smile and managed to croak a response. "I like b-bread."

Rarity loosened her grip on the beige mare's neck and fluttered her eyes at the tan stallion. "Meraviglioso, darling! Molto bene! And so romantic! Their fettucine alfredo is to DIE for, and their pesto is good too. Where and when shall you be calling on her?"

Davenport blinked, as all of his meticulously planned details scattered in his mind like goose down from a torn throw pillow. After it became apparent that he wasn't going to wipe the dumbstruck gape off of his face, the alabaster unicorn favored him with a smile of infinite patience. "If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion, what say you collect her at seven at the Carousel Boutique?"

This brought the hapless stallion back into focus, and he grinned and nodded eagerly. "Yeah! Sure! That would be great!"

He paused, gazing into Button's eyes as if he wanted to break out in song, before shaking his head to clear it and giving both mares a deep bow. "Now if you lovely ladies would excuse me, I've gotta get back to the ol' shop. Sofas ain't gonna sell themselves, y'know." He turned and started to trot away. "I'll see you tonight!"

The earth pony and unicorn watched him go, his tail hiked elatedly and his prancing gait raising him three hoof lengths off the ground with each step.

As soon as Rarity released her hold on Button's neck, the earth pony began to jog in place in a state of profound agitation, looking wildly in every direction with glazed over eyes. "I'm going on a date! I've never been on a date! Nopony's ever asked me on a date! What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I urk..."

Rarity reapplied the headlock and spoke soothingly in the hyperventilating mare's flattened ear. "Button... darling. You'll be ever so pleased to know that there is a standard operating procedure here, and if you'll just calm down and let me work my particular brand of magic, I will take you through it step by step, and you will be fully prepared for a lovely evening."

Button tottered free and turned to face her as the alabaster unicorn released her hold. She gave a tentative nod. "All... all right, Rarity. I trust you. How do we begin?"

A broad, slightly manic grin spread across the fashion designer's face, and she poinged into the air with a giddy trill on her silvery voice. "MAKEOVERRR!"

***

Hours later, as a heady dusk began to fall over Ponyville to the melodious callings of crickets and night peepers, the bell on the Carousel Boutique chimed, and the front door swung open in a sparkle of unicorn magic.

The shadowed form of a stallion on the doorstep resolved into an earnestly hopeful looking Davenport as he stepped into the sole light over the foyer. He wore a natty chocolate brown corduroy jacket over a blue turtleneck, and clutched a bouquet of pink roses in his teeth.

A second light flickered to life over the silhouette of a mare standing in the darkened shop. The flowers tumbled to the floor with a soft rustle as Davenport's jaw dropped.

Button Stitch's coat shone like soft white gold, as a delicate blush blossomed on her smiling face. Her mane glittered as it flowed down her neck and shoulders, its meticulously styled curls looking like baroque woodcarving adorning an elegant ivory column.

She wore a simple black dress cut to accentuate her legs and neck, making them seem longer and more graceful while it hugged her barrel and flanks, bestowing a certain fullness to the curves beneath. A soft, almost charcoal dark purple shawl was clasped over her withers by a single large topaz that mirrored the excited gleam in her amber eyes.

Her voice only trembled slightly as she spoke, trying to keep her tone pitched low and sultry like Rarity had painstakingly instructed her. "Hello, Davenport. You're looking handsome this evening."

A besotted smile spread across the stallion's face as little hearts began to bubble up out of his ears and hover around his head. "Hubba wha?"

At this point, Rarity emerged from the shadows, her disheveled alabaster coat gleaming cooly in the light of the foyer, her violet mane slightly frazzled from an afternoon's intense labor.

She leaned in next to the sofa and quill merchant, the tip of her horn bursting one of the little orbiting hearts with a faint pop, and whispered sharply in his ear as she gazed bemusedly over her red rimmed glasses. "I believe your line is: 'Good evening, Button Stitch. You look absolutely beautiful tonight.'"

Davenport continued to gaze at Button in a dreamy rapture. "Yeah. What she said..."

He snapped out of it with a yelp upon receiving a swift kick in the hock. "Ow! Uh... Sorry, Miss Stitch. You look as good as a deluxe lounge suite in a factory showroom. Better, even!"

Rarity softly cleared her throat and rolled her eyes as she stepped back into the shadows. "Close enough."

The tan stallion hastily scooped the bouquet up off of the floor and proffered the fragrant blooms to Button, whose blush intensified to match the roses as she accepted them, tucking them into a fold in her shawl. Davenport then extended his hoof. "Are you ready to go?"

The beige mare's legs stiffened as her eyes took on a glassy, distant expression and her lips curled into a frozen grin. A beat later a low, frantic staccato of hooves on carpet sounded as she shuffled sideways out of the pool of light and over to Rarity. She dragged the alabaster mare into a huddled headlock and whispered in her ear, her voice made slightly harsh by an edge of panic. "What do I do now?"

The unicorn deftly extracted herself, speaking in a low, soothing tone as she planted her hooves on the earth pony's side and shoved her back into the light. "Take his hoof, go with him to the restaurant, eat bread sticks, drink a little wine, laugh, chat, smile, and have a wonderful evening." She favored Davenport with a reassuring if strained grin as she went around behind Button and pushed her forward.

The beige mare reached up and hooked her trembling fetlock around the tan stallion's hoof, her blushing face reflected deep in his wide pupils as a shy smile stole across her face. "O-okay. Lets... lets go, Davenport. We don't want to be late for our reservation."

Rarity beamed as the two earth ponies went side by side out into the velvety night. "That's right! Go! Have fun! Affrettatevi! Addio, miei cari! Incantesimo aspetta!"

Button and Davenport paused on the path outside as the door slammed behind them, followed by the rattle of a dead bolt being thrown and a sudden drop in ambient light as the windows of the boutique went dark. The pair traded a nervous smile in the moonlight, and continued down the path as fireflies started to wink in the warm midsummer air.

In the darkened boutique Rarity crouched down behind the door and peered out at them through the mail slot. When they had trotted out of sight she settled back on her haunches with a heavy sigh and a flick of her rumpled mane. Slowly, a triumphant smile spread across her pale face, and she rose to her hooves with an effervescent giggle and pirouetted across the moonlit floor of her domain, singing softly to herself. "Oh this is the night, it's a beautiful night, and we call it bella notte..."

***

The fireflies were out in full force by the time the moon had hit its zenith, mirroring the stars that Princess Luna had scattered above the sleeping houses of Ponyville. The shadowed forms of ponies, alone or in pairs, moved about at ease in the intimate stillness of the summer night.

Davenport's merry voice sounded out as he and Button strolled along the edge of the town square. "... and so I look down at the nib, and I realize that it wasn't a number seven, it was a seven point five!"

At this, both stallion and mare broke out into giddy laughter. Button tottered a bit and came to a stop against a nearby lamp post with a sigh, her golden brown curls falling down into her slightly reddened face. She gave her companion a wide, slightly cockeyed smile. "Oh Davenport. You're the most fassina... fastinati... the NEATEST colt I ever met."

She hiccuped, and her complexion reddened a little more. "I think I had a little bit too much of the vino. I'm getting a little dizzy."

Davenport looked thoughtful for a moment. "You know, my shop's not too far from here. We could stop and rest for a little while before I take you home." He gave her a grin. "There's plenty of places to sit down, at least."

The tipsy mare's brow furrowed in sluggish pensiveness tinged with suspicion. "And then what, you invite me upstairs to see your calligraphy samples?"

The stallion shrugged. "Well, my apartment is upstairs, and I don't have any samples up there. I keep 'em in a nice case in my showroom, if you really want to see 'em."

His eyes went wide as the subtext suddenly became clear to him. He reared up, waving his front hooves frantically. "Oh! Oh wait! N-no, I wouldn't... I'd never..."

Button's ears flattened as her lower lip started to tremble. "You... you wouldn't? You'd n-never?"

Nervous sweat broke out on Davenport's forehead as he slouched back on his haunches. "No! I mean YES! I mean, you... you're beautiful, but I'd never suggest... not unless you wanted... but I didn't mean I wanted to... I mean I would want to if you want to but you'd have to want to before I would... I mean..."

He brought a hoof to his forehead and let out a long shuddering breath. After a few moments, he looked up at her with a gentle expression and held out a hoof. "I just had an idea, if you'd like to come with me, but if you want to go straight home that's fine too."

The beige mare considered his proffered hoof for a long while, then lurched upright and took it with a fragile smile. "All right."

***

A short while later they stood out front of Quills and Sofas. Davenport gave Button a soft pat on the shoulder. "Just wait here a minute, I'll be right back."

With that, he went inside and the lights in the windows went on, casting the waiting mare in a soft, golden glow filtered through the heavy curtains. A scraping sound came to Button's ears, and a moment later a short maroon couch slid out the open door with Davenport pushing his head against the foreleg rest. The beige mare stepped aside as he wrestled his burden into place in front of his shop.

The stallion bowed to her and gestured toward one of the cushions with a flourish. "My lady, please make yourself comfortable. I'll be right back." With that he trotted back to his door and switched off the lights inside, allowing the night to softly envelop them again with sparkles of silver high above and sparkles of gold all around.

Button was settling herself as he returned, and she gave him a tentative smile, her amber eyes shining in the dark as they reflected nearby fireflies. "This is... nice, Davenport." She let out a little giggle as she felt the upholstery with a hoof. "I never would have expected to be outside stargazing on a couch."

The sofa and quill merchant sat down on the sidewalk and rubbed the back of his head with a hoof. "Well, technically it's a... a love seat."

The air filled with the chirping of crickets as mare and stallion both fell uncomfortably quiet. Button stirred in her seat and softly patted the other cushion with a trembling hoof. "Would... would you like to join me? N-no sense sit... sitting on the ground when there's a perfectly good love... l-love seat to sit on."

Davenport let out a nervous chuckle as he climbed up and sat down beside her. "Believe it or not I've said that to customers before." She replied with a strained giggle, and the two ponies lapsed into silence again.

Presently, Button worked up the nerve to speak. "D-davenport. I had a wonderful time tonight. Dinner was delicious, and you've been perfect... a perfect gentlecolt."

The stallion shifted on his cushion and reached out with a hoof, laying it on top of one of hers with the lightest of touches. "If... if anypony's perfect here it's you, Button. I don't know what a regular schmoe like me did to deserve a chance to spend some time with an amazing mare like you."

She let out a sigh. "I'm h-hardly perfect or... or amazing, Davenport. In truth I'm a neurotic, obsessive compulsive mess of a mare with so many issues I've practically got a lifetime subscription." She turned to him, her voice cracking. "You... you could do a lot better."

Davenport leaned in toward her. "Not from where I'm sitting, Button. Right now, I think I'm just about the luckiest colt in the world."

The beige mare caught her breath, as their lips came together over the center line between the cushions of the love seat.

Her heartbeat pounded in her ears. She was kissing a colt! On the lips! She'd never kissed a colt on the lips. She'd kissed her parents on the face but never on the lips. Was she doing it right? She wanted so badly to be doing it right but how could she know if she was doing it right? How was a pony supposed to practice this kind of thing?

She could feel her shoulders stiffen and her lips compressing into a tight line. She was doing it wrong. Her first kiss ever and she was doing it wrong. She abruptly broke off the kiss and drew back with a gasp. Davenport's eyes snapped open, and his face fell as she recoiled from the disappointment that blossomed there.

Button pushed back against the foreleg rest, tears beginning to well in her eyes. "I... I'm s-sorry Dav... It's not y-you, it's... it's me... This is too fast... You d-deserve somepony who isn't... I c-can't... I need more practice... I'm not ready to... I'm sorry." She scrabbled off of the love seat and stood weaving on her hooves. "I'm sorry."

With that, she wheeled and galloped away sobbing.

***

The distraught mare skidded to a stop a couple of blocks away under the guttering light of a street lamp, her meticulously curled mane in ragged tangles and her dress and shawl in disarray. She ground her teeth as hot tears squeezed out of her tightly closed eyes, and she stomped on the cobblestones in frustrated rage, cursing herself in tempo with her hoof strikes. "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! What! Is! Wrong! With! Me!?"

She dithered between rushing back to where the stallion of her dreams probably still sat on the love seat and running to the safety of her empty, orderly home, her face a turmoil of conflicting emotions. Unable to bear it any longer, she braced her legs and shrieked, her tail lashing furiously behind her. "Oh HARPSICHORD!"

Button let out a gasp and brought a hoof to her mouth. "Wh-what did I just mambo jelly?"

Her eyes grew wide in sick horror as she watched swirling threads of pink spread from the cup of her hoof and begin to roil and boil up her hock and cannon. Her voice came husky and thick, the pitch rising and the tone distorting into strange harmonics as she watched the alien color bristle and overwhelm her neatly combed natural coat. "Oh no no no no non nuu ning nong nargle pargle wim bim lim tim olay biscuit barrel hortle barble nardle zouse!"

***

Davenport paused from dejectedly pushing the love seat back inside and raised his head with ears perked. For a moment he could almost swear that he heard somepony angrily playing an off key set of bagpipes in the distance. The noise died away on a cold breeze that blew in across the town square, and with a sigh and a shake of his head, he wearily bent to his task again.

Once the love seat was parked in his foyer he slammed the door behind him and flopped down on it with his eyes buried in the crook of his foreleg. He let out a miserable groan as tears began to drip onto the upholstery.

Chapter 2

Across town, the front door to Sugarcube Corner burst open with a frantic jingle of the shop's bell. The cheery light inside framed the alert outline of a cotton candy pink mare with a tangled frizz of magenta mane. Her limpid blue eyes blinked in tandem, opposed by the flopping of her ears in a very credible imitation of a railroad crossing sign.

She narrowed her fluttering eyes and pawed at the ground. "By the flapping round my snoot, something kooky is afoot!"

A lanky, square jawed yellow stallion in a baker's cap craned his neck out of the kitchen door, releasing a cloud of flour into the air. "Your what says who now, Pinkie?"

The pink mare looked back at him, blinking and fluttering away. "Something kooky is afoot! Well, not a foot. Or a hoof, if you want to say it properly. More like a whole freaky pink pony kinda thingy wearing a propeller beanie."

A round faced blue mare with a twirl of mauve for a forelock joined the stallion at the kitchen door. "You're going out wearing a propeller beanie, Pinkie dear?"

Pinkie Pie somehow managed to roll her eyes amidst all the twitching. "Not ME, Mrs. Cake! A totally different freaky pink pony kinda thingy is wearing the propeller beanie. But I AM going out. I gotta stop her!"

The Cakes exchanged a befuddled glance, and the yellow stallion cocked an eyebrow. "From wearing a propeller beanie?"

The pink pony nodded curtly to her employers. "At the very least. Gotta go!"

With that she bounded forth into the night, leaving the proprietors of the sweet shop shrugging helplessly to one another.

***

Rarity settled herself down in the tub with a contented sigh as scented candles glimmered in the dim stillness of her bathroom. Her silvery voice echoed off of the tiles as she sang softly to herself with a smug expression on her face. "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch..."

The elegant unicorn paused as a glass of sparkling white grape juice floated across the jasmine tinged water in an aura of glimmering magic and raised itself to her lips.

She only had a brief moment to savor the tingly sweetness, before juice and bath water exploded in her face with tidal wave force as a bright pink pony wearing a diving mask and snorkel did a cannonball dive into her tub, extinguishing the candles and plunging the room into darkness.

She found herself gripped by the shoulders and roughly shaken as a shrilly shouting voice cut through her disoriented spluttering. "Rarity! It's X The Unknown! The Mystery Cross Twitch! Button Stitch has fallen off the weirdo wagon and is having a relapse!"

The sodden, alabaster mare's horn flared with a blue flame and bathed the room in a lambent glow, and she cast such a fierce glare at the panicked pink pony seated in the tub in front of her that had Pinkie not been up to her withers in scented bath water she probably would have burst into flames as well. "Pinkie Pie WHAT in the lycra and lamé lined depths of prêt-à-porter perdition are you BLATHERING about?" Her flashing sapphire eyes narrowed dangerously. "And how did you even get in here anyway?"

Pinkie met Rarity's gaze through her diving mask. "Opalescence let me in, but that's not important right now. The important thing is Button Stitch just turned into Screwball again!" She pointed a hoof to her head, as her eyes fluttered and ears flapped. "Can't you see me twitching? She's probably out painting the town hall PLAID right now!"

The unicorn's pupils shrank. "But... but she's out on a... Oh NO!"

With that she planted a hoof on the edge of the tub and vaulted over, slipping and tumbling across the tiled floor as she scrambled out into the hallway.

Pinkie Pie gave a nod of satisfaction, adjusted her snorkel, and dove under the surface of the water with an abrupt plunk.

***

Soon Rarity was galloping across the town square with Pinkie bouncing along at her side, her mane inexplicably dry and poofy while the unicorn's locks still clung wetly to her neck and withers.

The alabaster mare cast a sidelong glance toward the center of town, and let out a huge gasp as she jammed her hooves and skidded to a stop. Pinkie stuck a landing next to her and stood with her jaw dropped as Rarity raised a hoof to her mouth.

The fashionista cleared her throat and arched an eyebrow as they stared at Ponyville's town hall, looming distant in the moonlight. "W-well, it really is more of an argyle than a plaid..."

Pinkie's eyes and ears started fluttering again, and she set off springing into the darkness. "C'mon!"

***

Moments later the two mares stood in a pool of sputtering light cast by a street lamp, scrutinizing a length of black cloth, knotted at random intervals and used to spell out the word "saltine" in cursive with a topaz brooch dotting the "i".

Rarity plucked a stray tatter from the ground with her magic and peered at a seam, crying out in dismay as she recognized the stitching. "Oh no! This was Button's LBD! How dreadful!"

Pinkie Pie cocked her head nearly sideways. "LBD?"

The unicorn rolled her eyes. "Her Little Black Dress." She balled up the bit of cloth with her magic as a look of mortification washed across her face. "Oh dear, now the poor thing is running around without a stitch on!"

Her pink earth pony companion blinked and cocked her head 180 degrees in the other direction. "Rarity? You DO realize that none of us usually wear clothes? In fact, right now we're both totally n..."

She cut off as Rarity silenced her with an upraised hoof. "UT! No time, darling! Can your Pinkie Sense determine where poor Button is right now?"

The pink mare assumed a determined expression, and stood staring off into space. After a moment, she rotated 45 degrees and stood still again. After a third, and then a fourth rotation, her eyes and ears started flapping and fluttering in tandem, and she jabbed a hoof in the direction she was facing and started hopping in place. "That way!"

***

The trail led them on a zigzag path across town, from site to site of a nonsensical rampage conceived in the mind of a mad housepainter. Aside from the argyle town hall, several of Ponyville's picturesque buildings had been painted in a garish riot of polka dots, checkers, spirals, or bizarre reproductions of Reneighssance masterworks with spiral eyed, pink and purple ponyoids taking the place of the figures in the original pieces.

More alarmingly, a few stunned citizens out for a late night stroll had been similarly vandalized, and stood blinking in confusion with their coats drenched in clashing patterns of dripping pigment as the two mares galloped past, hot on the hunt.

Rarity and Pinkie dove around a corner, ears pricked to the sound of a trombone furiously belting out an inverted version of the Whinnying Tell Overture. They stopped short, face to face with the scowling pink and purple pony thing as it used its tail to write the letters L H O O Q beneath a cryptically smiling self portrait with a black mustache and a pair of crude glasses besmirching the face. The strange being's spiraling eyes narrowed when it saw them, and it bared its crooked teeth and let out a sound like somepony with heavy iron shoes kicking in a plate glass window.

The alabaster unicorn reached out with a hoof, a note of desperation rising in her voice. "Button Stitch! I know you're in there somewhere! Please! Stop this! Let us help you!"

The creature looked around, darted toward a nearby brick wall, and started painting with its tail again. In a few quick strokes a convincing image of a long tunnel appeared.

Pinkie Pie crouched down with her frizzy tail lashing behind her. "She's making a break for it!" Her limpid blue eyes narrowed as she tensed her legs. "I'll get her!"

With that, she leapt toward the spiraling, fuming, ponyish thing. It reared up on its hind legs and began to hop in place, stuck out its tongue with a rapid popping sound, beeped twice, and then rocketed down the road leading into the painted tunnel as if it were real.

Pinkie didn't fare as well, slamming into the brick and flattening against it. Rarity could only watch helplessly, letting out a gasp of dismay as she brought her hooves to her mouth in horror.

After a painful few seconds, the pink and magenta shape peeled back from the painted wall and resumed the form of a three dimensional mare with a muted POP, before landing in a tangle of frizzy hair and splayed legs on the cobblestone street.

Rarity was at her side in an instant, helping her climb shakily to her hooves. "Darling! Are you all right?"

The pink mare shook her head to clear it, producing a sound reminiscent of a maraca. "It only hurts when I don't laugh."

She met Rarity's concerned gaze with a grave expression. "This isn't good! She's upped her game, and if she's headed where I think she's headed, then things are gonna get even more oofty macgoofty real quick!"

The alabaster mare looked around her helplessly, then looked back to her poofy maned companion. "Where do you think she's headed?"

Pinkie tottered over to the trompe l'oeil adorning the wall, rearing up to point at the image of the distant other end of the tunnel. Rarity lit her horn to better illuminate the artwork, squinting her sapphire eyes as she scrutinized it. Dense, twisted trees hung with ragged vines, their trunks choked with almost impenetrable undergrowth, could be seen in the painted archway in an ominous, woodland scene. The alabaster unicorn reared back with a cry of dismay. "Oh my stars and diamonds! Is... is that the Everfree Forest?"

The normally effervescent earth pony gave her a solemn nod. "Yeppers! We'd better get the rest of the girls, pronto!"

Chapter 4

A smell somewhere between the pungent contents of a spice cabinet and the musty, heavy scent of earth and dead leaves drew Button Stitch's consciousness up from the dreamless abyss. This was not good. Those sorts of smells meant she wasn't at home in bed, but somewhere where she probably shouldn't be. Someplace not quite up to her usual standard of cleanliness.

It felt like she was lying on something like a bed, but what she was lying on felt like fur. This was also not good. Either she was on top of some impossibly huge, oddly flat animal, or she was laid out on an animal hide, the kind that came off of a dead animal. The very idea of the latter tugged hard on the panic levers in some deep part of her herbivore's psyche and would have sent her immediately into hysterics were she not a cautious and methodical pony in an unfamiliar, possibly dangerous situation.

Being cautious and methodical, she decided to perk up her ears and listen before filling the air with screams. She could hear an unfamiliar voice chanting softly in an unknown language. She could hear crackling flames, and the faint sound of water or some other sort of liquid bubbling. At the edge of hearing, she could hear low voices in serious conversation. Some of them sounded familiar, which was probably a good thing.

But why would familiar ponies be in this unfamiliar place? And why did her mouth taste like wyvern, she wondered, smacking her lips quietly. And also, how in Equestria did she know what that would taste like?

Button took the next methodical step and opened her eyes a crack. This gave her an orange blur and no shapes she could easily recognize, so she decided to go for broke and opened them all the way. A leering wooden mask stared down at her, its nightmarish curves and angles outlined in flickering firelight. Her caution, hanging on by the tip of a single metaphorical hoof, barely kept her panic from letting loose the very non-metaphorical scream that it was working on, instead opting for her to just let out a strangled little squeak and turn her head to get a slightly better look at her surroundings. The fur rubbed on her cheek, and in her peripheral vision she could see ruddy gold with black spots.

Her wide amber eyes took in a cave like chamber with a chaotic jumble of bottles, gourds, and bundles of dried herbs hanging from the ceiling in a scene right out of the scary part of a fairy tale, the part where the evil witch would be about to cook up some hapless colt or filly for not listening to their mother and taking the long way to grandma's house. Of course, in the stories, some ridiculous contrivance, or odd bit of luck, or a friendly woodcutter would drag the foals out of danger. Being a practical, adult pony, Button knew these old stories weren't completely true. Although here was the scary witch's den part right before her eyes, so perhaps the colt or filly getting away was the part that wasn't accurate. This was very, very much not good.

Sure enough, there was a pony sitting in a cauldron over a bed of red hot coals right there in front of her. Deep in her psyche, her caution turned to her panic, shrugged its metaphorical shoulders, and said. "All right. Go ahead. Give it everything you've got."

The resulting full throated shriek galvanized all of the ponies that lingered in Zecora's hut. Fluttershy let out a startled squeak and dove under the low table where she, Twilight, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack were enjoying cups of fragrant tea and sharing a plate of edible mushrooms, walnuts, and wild raspberries. (With the majority of the latter going down the pink mare's ravenous maw and staining her snout a faint purple.) Rarity gasped and lost her magical grasp on a mahogany curry comb that she was running across Zecora's still drying coat, now restored to its proper distribution of black and white with homespun towels wrapped around her striped mane and tail.

Rainbow Dash gave a cry of alarm and started to thrash, flap, and kick in her greenish tinged bath, rocking the cauldron full of warm, soapy water. Only their hostess' timely intervention, leaping up from her rattan bath mat and bracing the tottering cauldron with her hooves, prevented it from toppling over and spilling its contents, both liquid and pony, onto the hard packed earth floor.

Rarity, Twilight, Pinkie, and Applejack raced to the side of Zecora's leopard skin festooned bed, where Button Stitch lay curled into a twitching, hyperventilating little ball with wide, glazed, staring eyes. The fashion designer reached out to her with a tentative, alabaster colored hoof. "B-button dear..."

The beige mare's voice came as a ragged edged squeal. "DON'T TOUCH ME! STAY BACK!"

Rarity waved her companions back and knelt down by the bed, keeping her sapphire eyes fixed on the frantic earth pony. "It's all right, darling. Everything is all right. You're safe."

Button pulled her legs in tight, her whole body trembling violently. "I have no idea where I am, what has happened to me, or even what time it is. I'm lying on a dead animal skin in a filthy witch's hut and there is a pony cooking in a pot right over there. IN NO POSSIBLE SENSE OF THE TERM IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT!"

The unicorn heaved a careful sigh and sat studiously still, speaking in a low, soothing tone. "Button. Look at me. Do you know who I am?"

The stricken earth pony bit her lower lip and stared back at her a while before responding. "You... you look like my... you're my f-friend and best customer Rarity."

The fashion designer nodded slowly. "That's right." She inclined her horn toward her three companions. "And do you recognize my friends here?"

Button's eyes darted across the other mare's earnest faces. "Um... I... I see Twi... Twilight Sparkle from... from the library, and... and Miss Applejack with the grandmother who crochets, and..." The faint ghost of a smile flitted across her lips. "P-pinkie Pie. With the parties."

Pinkie Pie gave a few short hops into the air. "Good job! You guessed every one right!"

The beige mare's face took on a dreamy quality. "I... I liked those parites." She let out a halting sob. "Es-especially the one where... where I m-m-met hi-hi-hi-him..."

The four solicitous ponies' ears levered back as she let out a wail and broke down, gathering the leopard skin in her front hooves and weeping a torrent of tears into the tawny, spotted fur.

A moment later Twilight and Applejack were shoved aside by a determined looking yellow pegasus, who climbed up onto the bed and settled in next to Button, throwing a wing over her trembling shoulders and pulling her into a hug. Fluttershy was generally the first pony under cover when the screaming started, but she was always the first on hoof to give comfort when the screaming turned to weeping. She cooed softly to the stricken pony in her gentle voice. "There there. You're among friends, and we're not going to let anypony hurt you."

Meanwhile, Applejack's brow furrowed in confusion and she leaned in toward Rarity, speaking in a whisper. "Who's "him"? Him who?"

The alabaster unicorn flipped her mane and hissed back. "Davenport. She was supposed to be on a date with him tonight."

Twilight arched an eyebrow. "Davenport? As in Davenport my writing quill supplier?"

Pinkie nodded as she gave a little hop. "Yeah! I always thought those two made a super cute couple! I've got a standing bet with Gummy that they'll be married by the next Summer Sun Celebration."

Rarity threw a glare at the pink pony and drew a hoof across her lips in the universal gesture for "zip it!", and then turned to the weeping mare once more as Fluttershy nuzzled her cheek. "Button, what happened? Did he do or say something to upset you? Did he behave inappropriately?"

A stony expression settled on Applejack's face. "Do ya need me t'send my brother 'round t' learn him some manners?"

Button sniveled bitterly into the leopard skin. "N-no. He was a p-perfect gentlecolt. It was me who ruined everything. I messed the whole date up, so I ran away."

The alabaster unicorn's eyes went wide. "You ran away? AGAIN?" She brought a hoof to her face and muttered under her breath. "I knew I should have hoofcuffed the pair of you together."

She reared up and placed her front hooves on the bed, leaning in toward her distraught friend with a pained expression. "Button, darling, why DO you keep running away? You're clearly quite taken with him, and he with you, from what I could see. What are you so afraid of?"

Applejack spoke up before Button could answer, a grave expression settling on her freckled face. "She's afraid of herself. Ain't ya, sugarcube? Yer so scared o' doin' th' wrong thing that y'all balk at doin' anything unless it's all lined up like beans in a bean field. And when it's somethin' as big as bein' courted by a stallion that ya fancy, it's sure t' cause ya a whole heap o' consternation."

Fluttershy's gentle voice filled the pensive stillness, as she shifted a bit and spread her wing a little wider over the beige mare's shoulders. "I... I know what that's like. Being afraid that I'll say or do the wrong thing, I mean. That's why I get... well... I get nervous around other ponies. Well, that and sometimes they talk too loud, or move too suddenly, or are wearing a larger hat than I expected. Sometimes I want to just run away and hide, and that can make me feel sad, like I'm missing something special."

Twilight Sparkle took a step forward, a solemn expression on her face. "I think I understand now why you had another manifestation of your chaotic self."

Button looked at her with red rimmed eyes. "But... but I've been trying so hard to be spontaneous and do new things."

The lavender unicorn nodded. "Yes, but like Applejack said, deep down, doing that terrifies you. You clearly had a lot invested in things going well with Mister Davenport, and it threw you into such turmoil that chaos overwhelmed you when it didn't go as you'd hoped."

She settled down next to Rarity and laid her hooves on the bed as well, meeting Button's troubled gaze with earnestness. "I'm no stranger to that sort of feeling myself. Try living up to to the example set by Equestria's immortal ruler as her personal pupil. I've pushed myself past the edge more times than I care to mention because I try so hard to please her that I keep forgetting one all important fact."

She went silent for a moment, her eyes gleaming, before she continued with a slight crack in her voice. "And the thing I keep needing to be reminded of is that Princess Celestia is a wonderful, patient teacher, and that she's been my mentor since I was a little filly. In... in a lot of ways she's like a second mother to me, and she... she loves me, like she loves all ponies, for everything they are. And our flaws and mistakes are as much a part of what we are as the good qualities."

Rainbow Dash stepped up to join the others, rubbing down her sodden rainbow mane with a towel. "Yeah, and that counts for your friends too. I never leave my friends hangin', even when they screw up. Especially not then, 'cos that's when they need me the most. And on the extremely rare occasions where I might be a tiny bit off my game..."

At this, Applejack cleared her throat and fixed her with a dubious glare. The multicolored pegasus gave an embarrassed chuckle and fidgeted under her earth pony friend's stern gaze. "... I mean, when I screw up too, I know they're not gonna leave ME hangin'."

Pinkie Pie's face was uncharacteristically solemn as she chimed in. "That's right! And ya gotta trust in that. One of the worstest days I ever had was my last birthday, when I fooled myself into thinking my friends didn't like me anymore 'cos they were sneaking around and telling me fibs about what they were up to 'cos they were trying to keep my surprise party a secret."

She tapped her berry stained chin with a hoof as she shifted into a reminisce. "Looking back on it now, I think I had it all figured out, I mean after all I'm the prime poobah of pony parties and I also get this tingle in my pancreas when there's a party afoot, or a hoof, or a whole bunch of ponies each with four hooves apiece, but then I ignored all the signs and forgot about it 'cos a surprise party isn't a surprise party if you've figured out you're gonna have a surprise party."

Her limpid blue eyes snapped back into focus and she gave Button a wide grin. "The main thing is that I didn't trust my friends to be my friends and it tended to send me around the bend but in the end a friend is a friend upon whom you can depend and soon everything was on the mend."

As the pink party pony nodded sagely to herself, Applejack raised an eyebrow and leaned in to speak to Button in a lowered voice. "Didja get any o' that?"

The beige mare blinked and cocked her head, a fair bit of uncertainty in her voice. "I... I think so."

Rarity edged forward and stretched out a hoof, laying it atop one of Button's. "The point is, darling, that unless my instincts are wrong, which I very highly doubt, Davenport would very much like to give you his heart, but he can't do that if you refuse to accept it because you've convinced yourself that you don't deserve it." Her sapphire eyes sparkled as she gave the beige mare a fond smile. "It's up to the giver to decide who deserves what they're giving, you can't make that decision for them. All you can do is decide whether you want it, and if you would like to give your heart in return."

Button gave her a fragile smile. "I w-would. I really, really would."

The hopeful expression fled from her face as she looked at the row of ponies standing in front of her. "But... but how can I even THINK about that now? Y-you all look like you've been run through a wringer. What did I do tonight while I wasn't myself?" Her voice became frantic. "What did I do?"

Rainbow Dash finished drying her mane and draped the towel across her wings and withers with a nonchalant shrug. "Nothin' a bath couldn't fix. We're cool."

Applejack gave the pegasus a wry, sidelong smile as she spoke to Button. "Ya taught her a valuable lesson 'bout chargin' on ahead of the rest of the group too." She looked away innocently as Dash scowled at her.

Zecora stepped up between them with a mildly reproachful look on her face. "An apology would be a very good start, for turning me into a bad piece of art. I'll blame it on stress, and gladly forgive, the things you just said about the place where I live."

Button recoiled a bit under Fluttershy's wings. "Did... did I paint all those stripes on you? Oh, that's terrible. I'm so sorry!"

A brief look of indignation flickered across the zebra's face, before she hung her head with a sigh and muttered something to herself in weary Zebraic. She gave the earth pony a strained smile. "All right, all right, that's close enough, for a pony who's had a night so rough. And now, if you will pardon me, I'm going to put on a fresh pot of tea." She turned and walked away, lashing her towel wrapped tail in mild irritation.

The beige mare looked uncertainly at the other ponies. "Did... Did I say something else to offend her? I... I didn't mean to..."

Rarity gave her a reassuring smile. "You'll just have to forgive her, darling. Surprise visitors can put even the most gracious hostess a bit on edge." She stood with a flick of her rumpled violet mane. "And on that note, if you're feeling strong enough to walk back to Ponyville, we should probably all take our leave and stop imposing on Zecora's hospitality."

Button hunched her shoulders and hung her head, huddling miserably against Fluttershy. "Are... are you sure it's a good idea to take me back to Ponyville? If I'm going to keep turning into... into a w-wierdo, maybe it... maybe it would be better if... if... if you just left me out in the Everfree Forest."

The butter colored pegasus ruffled her wings, looking at the beige mare at her side with horror. "Oh NO! Don't even talk about that! We'd never abandon a pony out here! That would be terrible!"

Zecora rattled her tea cup as she set it down on her low table, and gave out an irritable snort. "I'm quite in agreement, that simply won't do, dear, it's crazy enough in these woods without you here."

Rainbow Dash looked thoughtful, eyeing the crestfallen earth pony. "What if we got out the Elements and gave her a big ol' shot of harmony?"

Twilight pursed her lips as a pensive expression settled on her face. "I don't know, Dash. We have no idea what that would do to a normal, mortal pony. We've only used the Elements of Harmony on powerful immortals. One was reduced to a weakened shell of her former self and had to spend a whole year recuperating before she could even leave the palace, and the other was turned to stone." She gave the beige mare a comforting smile. "I don't want either of those to happen to Button here."

Pinkie Pie nodded in agreement. "Yeah. If the frosting on a cake is uneven, you don't fix it with a sledgehammer! Unless you wanted a pancake, which would probably be really good with frosting now that I think about it. Ooh! Waffles would be good with frosting too, 'cos you'd get little pockets of frosting in all the waffle's nooks and crannies. But you definitely wouldn't want to use a hammer on a waffle either 'cos then you'd be right back to pancakes, and you'd get frosting all over the place, which isn't a bad thing, as far as I'm concerned, but it's kind of rough on the table settings, and I've already taken enough grief from Mrs. Cake over that last time, thank you very much."

She drew herself up, blinking her limpid blue eyes and licking her lips as the possibly metaphorical merry-go-round in her head kicked into high gear. "Wow, now I can't wait 'til breakfast. Do you girls wanna come over to Sugarcube Corner for breakfast tomorrow? I'll see if I can dig up a waffle iron." She turned and called over to their zebra hostess, who'd settled down by her table with her tea and was listening to the conversation with a mixture of interest and impatience. "Zecora have you ever had waffles before? Do they even have waffles in Zebrabwe? You're more than welcome to come by tomorrow, now that nopony runs away or locks their doors when you come into town, or maybe I could bring you some waffles after we..."

Applejack let out a weary sigh and held up a hoof to Pinkie's snout to quiet her. "Gettin' back to th' point, as far as I see it, I think we all have t' take a slow n' steady approach to helpin' Button out with her problem. The Elements o' Harmony ain't just a bunch o' fancy rainbow shootin' doodads. They're us." She gave her friends a smile. "I reckon it'd be better if we gave her honesty, kindness, generosity, loyalty, laughter, and magic in small doses, rather than in a big ol' whallop. Better t' eat one apple at a time than have a whole tree full of 'em fall on yer head."

Rarity smiled and gave the farm pony a wink. "Well, I for one am simply ecstatic that you're learning to take a subtle approach for a change, Applejack dear." As the blonde farm mare rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue at her, the alabaster unicorn turned to Button and extended a hoof. "What do you say, darling? Shall we call you a work in progress?"

Button got shakily to her feet with Fluttershy's help, fresh tears falling over a fragile smile, and stepped down off of the bed into the embrace of her benefactors. "I... I don't think anything as ever felt so... so perfect."

She let out a sigh as she surrendered to the group hug. "But there may be an awful lot to fix."

Chapter 5

Button Stitch made her way through the quaint streets of Ponyville the following day, cringing inwardly every time she passed a garishly painted building that was the result of her bizarre alter ego's nighttime handiwork.

There were groups of ponies, mostly colts and fillies, wandering around the town just to look at the colorful carnage. Some of the buildings' owners stood stunned and staring at the eyesore that their business or home had become. Some had hiked up their tails and set right to work scrubbing the walls or repainting. The hardware stores were quickly selling out of paint and cleaning supplies.

The Mayor had taken one look at the clashing argyle that now coated the town hall and had fainted dead away. They were carrying her off on a stretcher to Ponyville Urgent Care, half conscious and muttering to herself about playing tennis with a giant blancmange. Button stopped and watched as they went by, a sheepish look on her face.

She hung her head with a sigh as the small procession passed. "One more pony I have to apologize to..."

Button raised her head, drew in a breath, steeled herself, and continued on her way to her morning's destination, a shop with a green shingled roof and a sign bearing the images of a writing quill and a sofa.

The beige mare stood in front of the door for a long time, concentrating on breathing in and out just like she had earlier that morning standing at her bathroom mirror, then at her front door, then at the end of the path by her mailbox, and then at the intersection of her street and the avenue that took her into the town square. She needed to allow one of her front hooves to move so that it could knock on the door, but she was careful not to let the other three get any ideas lest she start galloping away at top speed. Finally, she reached up, her other hooves shaking on the cobblestones, and rapped four times.

After what felt like an eternity the door opened, and she immediately wished it hadn't. A haggard looking tan stallion in a blue vest bearing a name tag that said "Davenport" met her with a deadpan expression. "Oh... Hello, Button Stitch." Reproach and bitterness hung off of his greeting like icicles.

She felt a knot tighten in her chest as she tried to give him an apologetic smile. "H-hello Davenport. I... I wanted to..."

The beige mare was cut off as he abruptly raised a hoof. "Save it. I'm done. Finished."

Tears were beginning to gather at the corners of her eyes. "But... But I just want to say I'm sorry!"

He pursed his lips and shook his head. "Don't care. You stomped all over my heart twice already. I don't think it can take a third time."

She took a shaky step forward, reaching out a hoof. "D-davenport. Please, its not too late. It CAN'T be too late. I..."

He brought his hoof down with a sharp impact on his doorstep. "NO! It IS too late. I'm throwing in the towel. No more mares. I've had it with all of you. I'm sick of getting rejected time after time. I'm gonna sell off all my sofas, pack up my quills, and go be a hermit or something."

With that, he turned his back to her and stalked inside. "Goodbye, Miss Stitch." He kicked the door shut with a rear hoof so it slammed sharply in her face.

Button stood with her jaw hanging open, tears streaming down her cheeks. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. This wasn't how her new friends had promised her it would go. This wasn't how it was meant to be. This was all her fault. This was what she got for thinking she deserved happiness. This was everything wrong with her. This was something deep inside of her stretching and snapping. This was the way a can of swirly pink and white Neigh-doh squeezed through the little star shape and made a long loopty loop loop rootin' tootin' wang dang doodle diddy wah diddy fandango.

The beige mare's amber eyes flashed and started spinning, as she ground her teeth in a fierce snarl. A flush of pink boiled across her face, soon covering her entire head as her tan curls stood up and began to writhe and swirl with streaks of purple and white. Her whole body shook and wobbled as it turned pink. Her button and needle cutie mark started to spin around the center point of the button, faster and faster until it blurred into a grey disk. A few seconds later it slowed down, finally coming to a stop as the sign of the Screwball.

She puffed out her cheeks, and her head began to expand like a rapidly inflating balloon, lifting her body up off of the ground as it loomed over the roof of the quill and sofa dealership. A relatively tiny bright yellow and green propeller beanie spiraled down from some unknown point in the sky and landed atop the swelling giant pony head. It opened its wide gaping mouth and drew in a breath like a hurricane wind, and the tiny pink pony body hanging from its neck inflated to match, with hooves as wide as giant redwood trees slamming into the streets and cratering them. The massive, swirling ponyoid lashed its spiral festooned tail, threw back its head, and let loose a roar reminiscent of a Neighponese soundtrack composer dragging his hoof across the strings of a contrabass.

It looked down with furious, swirling eyes at the building before it, and reached its fore hooves under the edge of the green shingled roof. With a heave, it tore the entire upper floor off as if it were opening a toy chest, raining debris down into the sofa and quill showroom below.

Davenport looked up with wide, terrified eyes at the gigantic scowling pink face looming over him. Every part of his mind, psyche, and soul started jumping on their metaphorical couches and screaming at the top of their metaphorical lungs, and so the non-metaphorical part of him couldn't help but join in.

The ponioid gargantua leaned down and caught him with its teeth by the collar of his vest and lifted him bodily into the air. He kicked and writhed in its iron grip, shrieking in a surprisingly high register for a stallion his age as the buildings of Ponyville dropped away below his flailing hooves. Like a rampaging pink parade float, the creature slowly pivoted in the air and floated ominously toward the center of town.

***

The six mares composing the Elements of Harmony came galloping out the front door of Sugarcube Corner and stood gaping in horror at the hovering monster as the tiny ponies below screamed and stampeded in all directions from the town square. Pinkie Pie's ears and eyes were flapping and fluttering so fast one would think she'd glued hummingbirds to her head, in defiance of Fluttershy's stern warning against doing so several months ago.

Rarity look a sidelong glance at the pink mare, huffed, and levitated a checkered napkin over to scrub off the splattering of frosting and maple syrup all over the awestruck party pony's snout. "Darling, if this IS the Aponyclypse the least you can do is wipe your face."

Twilight Sparkle shook her head to clear it, and gave a decisive nod. "Change of plans, girls. Get your necklaces and meet me in the town square!"

As one the band of predestined friends and heroines of Equestria scattered to their homes to retrieve the magical relics.

***

The giant pink and purple manifestation of chaos drifted into orbit around Ponyville's tallest building, the multistoried town hall, which was now painted a hideous argyle pattern like the golf sock of some inscrutable cosmic horror from beyond space, time, and taste.

The tiny, flailing form of Davenport hung from the huge creature's lips, crying to be let go. His panic, alarm, fear, and stark terror were all jumping with abandon on the cushions of the metaphorical lounge suite of his mind. His sensible side, which currently was cringing under the metaphorical coffee table, went unheeded when it timorously whispered that in his current position being let go of might not be the best thing to have happen to him right now.

The huge ponyform being lighted on the domed roof of the hall like something between a hot air balloon and a dodo bird, its tabletop wide hooves shattering glass windows and stripping shingles as it reared up on its hind legs.

It transferred the hapless stallion from its mouth to one of its fore hooves, spitting him out and catching him in the crook of its hock and then brandishing him over the buildings of Ponyville like a Smarty Pants Junior doll. It threw back its head and made a noise like a foghorn half submerged in a vat of banana flavored pudding.

Out of the wide, pink tinged sky, two winged shapes darted, a pair of pegasi around whose necks glittered collars of gold, a large jewel flashing red in the morning sun on the cyan blue one and glinting pink on the butter yellow one.

Rainbow Dash banked and started buzzing the gargantuan ponyoid's swirling head, snarling a challenge to the creature. "Hey, you big freak! Put that pony down! Pick on somepony your own size!"

She let out a cry of alarm and jinked out of the way as a massive pink appendage arced through the air, barely missing her. She shouted at the thing indignantly. "What did I just tell you!?"

Down below, Fluttershy started circling as fast as her comparatively weaker wings could carry her, her aqua green eyes wide with concern as she looked up at the billowing thing. "Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!"

Meanwhile, down further below on the street, a delegation of four earthbound ponies skidded to a stop before the impossible tableau. Their leader, a lavender unicorn with a six pointed jewel star adorning a golden tiara on her violet maned head, stepped forward and looked up at the towering creature with a mix of determination and caution on her face.

Twilight cleared her throat, and attempted to emulate the Royal Canterlot voice that Princess Luna had demonstrated to her at the last Nightmare Night afterparty. "ATTENTION PLEASE! AS A DULY DELEGATED REPRESENTATIVE OF THE CO-REGENTS OF CANTERLOT, THE NATION OF EQUESTRIA, AND THE TOWN OF PONYVILLE, I HEREBY CALL ON YOU TO RELEASE ALL UNDULY DETAINED CITIZENS, CEASE ALL CHAOTIC ACTIVITY, AND RETURN TO A STATE OF NORMALCY, OR I AND MY FELLOW ELEMENTS OF HARMONY WILL BE COMPELLED TO USE THE MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP TO FORCE COMPLIANCE."

She let out a sigh and looked crestfallen as the towering thing raised its free hoof to its lips and made thunderous burbling noises while it stared off into space.

Applejack stared up at the bizarre spectacle with a sardonic expression on her face. "That's tellin' her, Twi."

Pinkie Pie's tail started twitching in addition to all the action going on around her head, and she started hopping frantically in place. "Twitchy tail! Twitchy Tail! Something's gonna fall from the sky like hail!"

Applejack turned to face her with a raised eyebrow. "Y'all buckin' fer Zecora's job or somethin' Pink?"

The pink pony shook her head as she bounced, twitched, blinked, and fluttered. "Nope! Waaay too much paperwork. But thanks for reminding me that I need to take her some frosted waffles after all of this blows over."

Rarity pointed skyward with a hoof, glaring at her friends with flashing, sapphire eyes. "If you are all QUITE finished trading clever bon mots, poor Mister Davenport appears to be in mortal danger!"

High above, the gigantic ponyoid had twisted its torso and raised its forelegs, balling the terrified stallion up between the cups of its hooves and raising a knee in a fashion reminiscent of a baseball pitcher, despite the fact that baseball pitchers in Equestria were quadrupeds who pitched with their mouths.

Twilight Sparkle's eyes went wide with horror. "Oh NO!"

Applejack gasped and raised a hoof to her mouth. "She's windin' up fer a throw!"

Pinkie started leaping higher and higher, screaming out her defiance. "We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher!"

Rarity's horn glimmered, and her fainting couch skidded out of nowhere to catch her as she brought a hoof to her forehead and swooned.

Rainbow Dash darted in and tried desperately to pry the massive rubbery pink hooves apart, sweat springing from her brow and teeth gritted in fierce determination. She let out a shriek of frustration and shouted down to Fluttershy, jabbing a hoof toward the horizon. "Go long! We gotta try to catch him out of the air."

The butter yellow pegasus gave a nod and lit out over the rooftops of Ponyville propelled by her wings and a steady stream of "Oh my goodness!". She looked back over her shoulder as Rainbow Dash rocketed overhead on a matching trajectory.

Both flying mares screeched to a midair halt at the sound of Twilight's voice. "Stop! We need you here to power the Harmony Beam!"

Applejack shook her head vehemently. "What's gonna happen t' that poor feller if'n he gets caught in it too?"

The lavender mare's face contorted in panic. "I don't know! The results of my research are vague at best! He might be fine. He might be left with the equivalent of an ice cream headache. Or every ponycule in his body may explode at the speed of light, leaving only a cloud of vaguely mint scented vapor!"

Pinkie Pie brought a hoof to her mouth in dismay. "Oh NO! Twilight, we can't! Ice cream headaches are the WORST!"

Rainbow Dash frantically waved her hooves over her head. "We're running out of options, girls! Things are lookin' bad for the home team!"

Twilight clenched her teeth and her horn began to spark. "We've got to take the shot! May Celestia and Luna forgive us!"

Oblivious to the gathering glow of magic on the street far below, the huge pony thing narrowed its swirling eyes and a wicked grin spread across its face. It tensed itself, preparing to hurl Davenport to his doom, while a bulge appeared in its cheek as if it were chewing on a large lump of bubble gum.

This protuberance worked its way around to the front of the gargantua's mouth, but instead of a large, elastic pink bubble, the head and fore hooves of a beige earth pony mare with a tangled light brown mane popped out between the creature's lips. Her face contorted with fury, and she waved her legs emphatically as her voice echoed out over Ponyville. "ENOUGH!"

With a grunt of supreme effort, she planted her fore hooves on the thing's upper teeth and shoved down on its jaw with her hind legs, levering its mouth open. The giant ponyoid's eyes crossed as a thoroughly nonplussed expression spread across its vast pink face. Button Stitch roared out in a voice like an enraged lioness. "I AM SICK TO DEATH OF YOU!"

The creature's mouth slammed painfully shut, shattering its incisors like china as Button slipped out and hooked a hoof in one of its nostrils, hauling herself up onto its snout. She stood perched on the tip of its nose with her amber eyes flashing like hot coals and her disheveled tail hiked high and lashing behind her.

Her voice came hissing through her teeth in a low, dangerous growl. "I'm sick of you crawling around inside my mind and making me feel weird and wrong and not good enough. I'm even MORE sick of you slipping out through the hole that that rotten creep Discord made for you and hijacking my body for your stupid joyrides. But the LAST STRAW is you making a plaything out of the stallion that I have come to understand and wholeheartedly accept that I love."

Sandwiched between the monster's hooves, Davenport waved a foreleg feebly and called out in a tight, shaky voice. "Th-thanks, Button! For what it's worth, I'm s-sorry about what I said. I love you too!"

Undeterred from her tirade, the beige mare leaned forward and shouted in the swirling chaos being's massive face. "This is GAME OVER! I am kicking you OUT!"

With that Button wheeled on her fore hooves and bucked the huge pink pony creature right between its whirling eyes, leaving a crater in the rubbery surface that began to expand, engulfing its features as they swirled into it like water spinning down a drain.

The beige mare made a mighty leap from its receding snout to its shoulder, galloping up the length of its upraised foreleg as its grip slackened on Davenport, who was curled into a fetal position and whimpering with tightly shut eyes. As she cleared the imploding pony monster's mighty hock, she threw her forelegs around the tan stallion's torso and vaulted into the open air, plummeting with him toward the streets of Ponyville so far below.

Rarity let out a gasp as she stood with her circle of friends and watched these events unfold. With a frantic flick of her horn, she sent her chaise lounge spinning and skittering across the cobblestones to cushion their fall. They hit the rich, brocade upholstered cushion with a thump, bounced once, twice, then collapsed in a limp tangle of legs, necks, and tails.

The alabaster unicorn's attention snapped back to the incandescent glow of the purple, diamond shaped gemstone at her throat, as she felt herself levitating into the air in an aura of magic. The other Elements of Harmony did the same, the jewels on their necklaces pulsing with ancient power.

Twilight Sparkle's eyes flared white as she howled an invocation. "They're clear! ELEMENTS OF HARMONY ARE GO!"

A beam of rainbow light shot out from the six mares, twisting into a lance of braided colors that augured through the already dissipated substance of the gigantic pink and purple creature. It parted around the beam like grease on the surface of water parts from a drop of liquid soap, shockwaves of purifying magic causing it to ablate into tenuous swirls of gossamer before vanishing completely. In short order the gargantuan creature was gone, leaving the Harmony Beam to cleave the sky for a few glorious moments before it flickered and vanished as well.

Twilight and her friends drifted down to the ground, landing unsteadily on their hooves as the vast power held in their hearts and focused by the ancient artifacts went quiet once more.

As the smoke cleared, Davenport sat up groggily, a dazed expression on his face. He blinked, taking in his surroundings until his gaze fell on the couch he was seated on. He reached up a hoof and felt the upholstery, his voice coming out shaky and tenuous."Hey, this... this is a really swanky chaise lounge. N-nice fabric choice..."

A moment later, a flushed, beaming Button Stitch reared up, grabbed him by the head, and pulled him into a kiss that would have melted a set of titanium horseshoes right off of his hooves.

***

Some distance outside Ponyville, a green and yellow propeller beanie traced a lazy downward spiral through the air, the spinning blades slowing its descent to a gentle, drifting freefall. It settled among a patch of flowers like a dandelion seed and went still.

THE END?

Chapter 3

After a a bit more frantic galloping around town, Pinkie Pie and Rarity had gathered the rest of the Elements of Harmony. Soon, the six heroic mares stood at the head of the path leading into the dreaded Everfree Forest, where nature was unnaturally independent of any pony's guiding hoof.

Fluttershy's gentle voice sounded from the back of the group, its source hidden behind Applejack with only a trailing pink curl of tail visible. "Oh... Poor Button Stitch. She must be so lost and afraid."

Rainbow Dash dusted off from the path and hovered above her friends, soothing her nerves in natural pegasus fashion by getting some air under her hooves. "Well I can't think of a better place for a freak pony than this freaky forest."

Applejack peered into the darkened woods, her nervousness apparent in the faint cracking of her voice. "Fer all we know she might like it in there just fine. Sure as sugar no sane pony would wanna go into th' Everfree at night."

Twilight Sparkle gave the blonde mare a reassuring smile. "Well, it's a good thing for Button Stitch that all the ponies in Ponyville are crazy, and the six of us are a little bit crazier than most. Lets go." She lit up her horn, casting a beam of illumination from its tip that cut through the gloom between the ominous trees that flanked the path ahead of them.

Rarity followed suit in lighting up her horn, but rather than a searching beam it spread a cool, soothing glow in a radius that enveloped the little group of mares, pushing back the encroaching shadows as they set out. She turned with an expectant look on her face to the pink mare bouncing along beside her. "Pinkie dear, are you able to track her?"

The bubbly party pony pursed her lips. "I lost the trail when she pulled that Jones-Maltese spatial-perceptual inversion. I guess we just have to wait 'til I start twitch-a twitch twitchin' again."

Twilight silently filed away yet another Pinkieism to the long list of confusing things the party pony said. She gave a curt nod, causing her beam to bob a little as she swept it back and forth. "I suppose the best we can do in the meantime is keep our eyes and ears open for anything unusual."

Applejack lashed her tail as she cast a fearful gaze about and swiveled her ears. "This whole durn place is unusual. It's like lookin' fer a needle in a haystack."

Pinkie Pie chimed in in agreement in her usual chipper voice. "Or looking for an unpredictable weirdo in a big scary forest. Maybe... Ooh!" She came to an abrupt stop, her eyes rolling up to stare at the top of her head as her ears began to flap. "My ears! My ears are floppy!"

Her companions stopped and turned their attention toward her, causing the pink mare to grimace and cover her eyes as Twilight accidentally flashed the beam from her horn in her face. The lavender unicorn gave an apologetic chuckle as she dimmed her search light. "Heh heh, sorry." She laid her hooves on the Pinkie's shoulders. "Is it Button Stitch? Is your Pinkie sense Pinkie sensing her?"

After a moment of staring at the pretty dancing spots in front of her eyes, the party pony shook her head as best she could against her ears' counter-oscillations. "Nope. This isn't a combo. Floppy ears all by themselves means that somepony's gonna need a bath soon. "

Rarity let out a frightened squeal and began nervously jogging in place, her glance darting in all directions. "No no NO! Please don't let it be me! PLEASE don't let it be me!"

The cotton candy colored mare squinted down the path ahead of them and pointed a hoof. "It's... it's her!"

Twilight intensified her beam and sent it in the direction Pinkie had indicated, where it illuminated a shadowy figure staggering toward them. The vague silhouette resolved into the familiar black and white patterns of a zebra they all knew quite well, but something seemed off. She took a few more shaky steps and collapsed.

The band of mares galloped over to help her as Applejack shouted out in alarm. "Zecora! Sweet cinnamon swirls, are you okay?"

Fluttershy was first to reach her, and crouched down to support her head with gentle hooves. The soft spoken pegasus let out a gasp. "She... she's all squishy with... p-paint?" She brought her butter colored hoof away to reveal a smear of grey across the bottom.

The zebra herbalist stirred and groggily raised her head with Fluttershy's assistance. A dazed smile stole across her face. "Ah, my Ponyville friends, what a sight for eyes quite sore." Her expression became haunted. "All I can say is: The horror! The HORROR!"

Twilight deactivated her light and leaned in to question the stricken zebra. "What happened?"

Zecora shuddered as she sat up. "Some sort of strange pony attacked in the night." She looked ruefully down at her sticky, dripping coat. "It... it made my white stripes black and my black stripes white."

Pinkie Pie reached out and swept a hoof along the zebra's side, smearing the inverted stripes in a streak of grey. She raised it to her mouth, took an experimental taste, and grimaced. "Eeugh. Technicolor..." Twilight and Applejack exchanged confused glances as the pink pony spat disgustedly to get the flavor out of her mouth.

A moment later she drew herself up, her eyes and ears fluttering and flapping in tandem once more. "Ah HAH! Got her!"

Rarity stood next to her, staring at the looming trees outside her circle of illumination. "Where? Where is she?"

The ponies and zebra's ears all perked up as a long, mournful, booming, and somehow incongruously effeminate bellow echoed through the darkness. Rainbow Dash jabbed a hoof in the general direction of the wailing. "That way!"

With that she darted out of the range of Rarity's glow before anypony could stop her. Twilight reared up, throwing out her beam after the brash pegasus' vanishing rainbow contrail. "Come on, everypony! We can't let her get lost too!"

Fluttershy called out, her soft voice raised in concern. "What about Zecora?"

The zebra climbed shakily to her feet with the gentle yellow pegasus' help. "The attack made me dizzy, but I'll be all right. It's best we get busy, and keep Rainbow in sight." She arched her back uncomfortably and shook away some loose drops of paint with a wan smile. "I'll deal with getting cleaned up later, you need my help, to track this invader."

Twilight took up the herbalist's fore hoof and gave it a grateful shake. "Thanks, Zecora, you're a friend indeed. Lets go!"

The lavender unicorn stuck out her tongue in disgust as she released her hoofshake, a smear of grey goo sticking to the bottom of her hoof. She paused to wipe it away on a patch of grass while her friends thundered out of the clearing. Her eyes widened in alarm as she realized she was being left behind, and she galloped away after their trailing tails. "Hey! Wait up!"

***

As the mares got closer, the tumultuous lament echoing over the treetops became more intelligible. "Bloo hoo hoo hoo hoooo! Why? WHY? Why does this always happen to meeee? What did my poor mou-stache ever do to anybody? I ASK you?" The sound of thrashing, boiling water became audible as the ponies cleared the tree line.

Ahead of them in the glimmer of the summer moonlight, a towering, sinuous form reared up out of the river with its back to the mares. Twilight's search light played across the giant water serpent's glittering purple scales as she and her companions skidded to a stop at the river's bank. Rainbow Dash was nowhere to be seen.

The lavender mare called out to him in a clear, polite voice. "Hello? Mister Serpent?"

Zecora nudged the bookish unicorn, leaving a dab of grey on her coat. "I've met this creature, and from what I perceive, he greatly prefers that you just call him Steve."

Twilight cast the zebra a bemused glance and called out to the river's massive denizen once more. "Um... Steve? What happened? Are you all right?"

The giant serpent reared back and threw his arms wide as he lamented to the sky above. "Of COURSE I'm not all right, you silly GOOSE! Oh it's all too horrible! What is this world coming to? Is it ME? Am I some kind of magnet for this sort of thing?"

Pinkie Pie gave an impatient little hop, her wide eyed gaze following his trailing orange pompadour as he wove back and forth in the throes of colossal melodrama. "What happened to your mustache this time?"

The vast and sinuous lord of the river rounded on them, tears welling in his huge staring eyes. "Some simply GHASTLY creature floated by and painted a mou-stache on it!" The assembled ponies stared up at him as he gestured at the flowing orange locks that streamed from his reptilian upper lip. A pair of thick black strokes had indeed been painted on one side in the shape of a mustache, making it look sort of like a huge carrot with raised eyebrows.

Applejack was the first to collect her thoughts. She shouted up to him. "Can't y'all just wash it off?"

The towering serpent bunched his shoulders and wrung his long, clawed hands. His lower lip trembled as his eyes glistened pathetically. "But... but I just spent three hours WAXING it..."

Twilight exchanged puzzled glances with Rarity, Fluttershy, and Zecora, before she stepped forward and cleared her throat. "Well, uh... Steve... We don't want to seem insensitive to your... your um... your problem, but we were wondering if you could tell us what direction the pony that... attacked your mustache might have gone? It's kind of important that we catch her."

Steve the serpent drew himself up and arched an eyebrow, throwing a thunderous finger snap toward the deeper forest on the ponies' side of the river before huffily crossing his arms with his mustachioed snout in the air. "I'll say it is! If I ever got my hands on that TACKY little rapscallion, I would give her SUCH a PINCH!" He gave a petulant jerk of his dragon-like head in the direction he'd snapped. "She went that-a-way."

The lavender unicorn nodded and smiled, humoring him as no pony had ever humored a three hundred hoof long river serpent before. "Thank you, Steve. We'll make sure to bring your grievances to her attention." She gave him a nervous grin and bobbed her horn. "Now if you'll excuse us, we also need to find a friend of ours, a pegasus pony with a rainbow colored mane and tail. Would she have passed this way as well?"

Steve formed a pensive S, planting a hand on a curve as he laid a finger on his cheek in thought. "Mmmm. Can't say... Sounds positively FABulous, though. I hope she doesn't get a mou-stache painted on her."

Before any of the ponies could respond, a sandy voiced scream echoed from the depths of the forest. Their heads whipped around in alarm, as Twilight cried out. "Rainbow Dash!"

They galloped away, as Steve let out a high pitched shriek of his own. "Oooo! Mercy me! The mou-stache marauder strikes again!" With that, he swooned into the river with a tremendous splash.

***

The band of ponies crashed headlong into a clearing and skidded to a stop with a collective gasp. Before their disbelieving eyes, they saw Rainbow Dash lying flat on her back with her wings and limbs splayed in a puddle of bright, sour green paint. She was coated from ears to tail tip in the stuff, and she gave a feeble groan as her maroon eyes fluttered open. Her fellow Elements of Harmony and their zebra companion rushed to her side.

Fluttershy crouched down and spoke urgently in her ear as the thoroughly painted pony stared up into space. "Rainbow Dash! Are you all right?"

Her fellow pegasus spoke in a dazed voice to nopony in particular. "Ughh. I feel so funky..."

She shook her head, snapping out of her reverie and flinging small globules of lime green paint in all directions. With a grunt she surged up to a seated position, leaving a perfect, Rainbow Dash shaped outline of bare dirt beneath her. She looked at her friends with wide, shellshocked eyes as she told her tale. "She... she jumped me! The giant snake thing was back there throwing a big hissy fit about his mustache or something, so I decided to grab some altitude and do a wide angle search pass. I spotted her drifting along the riverbank and she ducked into the tree line. I didn't wanna let her get away, so I dove in after her thinking I could maybe catch her and, well... I guess she caught me instead. It all happened so fast, I felt like I was inside a cyclone."

She climbed shakily to her hooves and grimaced, her wings hanging down limply over her paint drenched sides. "This is really gross."

Zecora gave a snort and nodded in weary agreement, her coat, tail, and mane forming ragged spikes as the globbed on black and white paint began to dry and crack over her shivering frame. "Tell me about it, I surely don't doubt it..."

Pinkie Pie looked around with a grave expression on her face, thrown a bit off kilter by her fluttering eyes and ears. "I'm beginning to think our job isn't to save Screwball from the Everfree Forest so much as it is to save the Everfree Forest from Screwball."

Almost on cue, a harsh, bestial roar shook the trees around them.

Applejack let out an exasperated sigh. "I'm gettin' mighty tired o' playin' scream tag with this ornery critter."

Zecora hunched her shoulders nervously. "That sounded like a wyvern, my knees are a shiverin'."

At this, all the ponies turned and gave her a flat stare. The zebra herbalist huffed and scowled back at them. "I've been mugged, run around, and am covered in slime. YOU go through that then try to make a good rhyme!"

Before anypony could reply, another roar sounded out, answered in turn by a sound reminiscent of a train whistle blowing at full steam and punctuated by a noise like a grand piano dropping into a swimming pool full of ducks.

Without another word the search party charged toward the commotion.

***

The seven mares came to a stop at the edge of a wide creek bed, aghast at the confrontation that unfolded before them. Their bizarre quarry, the roiling pink and purple manifestation of chaos in pony form, was faced off against one of the savage denizens of the wild forest, circling one another in tense anticipation of a fight.

The monster that the equinoid thing faced was nearly the size of one of the smaller houses in Ponyville, a nightmarish mass of thorny scales and gnarled armor plates resembling a cross between a dragon and an angry cockerel, with two scaly, wickedly clawed feet, a pair of huge, bat like wings, a lashing, bladed tail, and a gaping serrated beak. Its natural coloration was a mottled mix of rust and dark brown, except for its head and neck which had been painted a bright yellow with black and white checkered stripes in the fashion of a taxicab.

By the venomous glare in its baleful red eyes, it wasn't at all happy about it either, and quite prepared to take its anger out on the pink and purple interloper that now stared back with a wildly spinning gaze and yellow paint dripping off the tip of its swirling tail. The wyvern drew in a breath, and let out another roar, the hot wind from its gaping beak causing the little propeller on the pony thing's beanie to twirl.

Pinkie Pie took in the scene with wide, horrified eyes and raised her hooves to her mouth. "Oh no! It's going to gobble her up like a blintz!"

In reply to the wyvern's challenge, the floating ponyoid tucked a hoof under its armpit and squeezed out a strangely aggressive sounding rendition of "Shave and a Mane Cut, Two Bits".

Before the onlooking ponies or its scaly foe could even blink, the pink equimonculous opened its mouth impossibly wide and swallowed the monster in a single gulp, instantly stretching into a huge, rubbery, wyvern shaped bag with boneless seeming pony legs and a tail dangling down around its circumference. A bulge in the lumpy shape's side bearing the vague outline of the engulfed creature's wicked beak stirred and let out a muffled, thoroughly confused chirp.

Applejack stared at the battle's unlikely victor, her right eye twitching slightly. "I did NOT see that one comin'... at ALL."

Fluttershy let out an outraged gasp and launched into the air with a powerful flap of her wings. She glided around the big, writhing, pink lump, leveling a steely, aquamarine gaze into the swirling eyes of the distorted pony face that stretched across the opposite side. "You spit that right out! Do you hear me? Spit it out!"

The stretched out ponyform flailed its limbs, attempting to escape the stern faced pegasus' legendary Stare. The gigantic creature fitfully struggling inside kept its captor quite firmly anchored in place, and after a few feeble attempts to rise off the ground and float away, the fugitive equimorph sounded a mournful harmonica sound.

Fluttershy reared back and planted her hooves on her hips. "This nonsense ends right now. Don't make me count to three!"

With that, her Stare became more intense, so much so that her friends standing on the edge of the creek bed could barely look in her direction without feeling an overpowering urge to apologize for everything they'd ever done wrong and promise to do better.

A shuddering vibration shook the distorted pink shape, and twin bulges popped out on its face at the corners of its mouth as its swirling eyes crossed and went wide. A split second later, with a resounding FLAP, the rubbery pink mass turned itself inside out and snapped into the unconscious form of Button Stitch, releasing the captive monster out onto the creek bed with a thud. The beige mare hung in the air facing the watching ponies for a moment with glazed, uncomprehending eyes before falling limply to the muddy ground and laying still.

The disgorged wyvern sat blinking in stunned disbelief, as Fluttershy hovered in and laid a gentle hoof on one of its spine studded shoulders, speaking to it in a soothing tone of voice as if she were comforting a tiny bunny or baby chipmunk. "There there, it's all right. You're safe and sound."

The primordial monster was having none of it, however, and it scrambled to its feet and bolted, frantically flapping its leathery wings and crying "Yipe yipe yipe yipe." as it blundered through the dark forests leaving a trail of snapped trees and trampled undergrowth in its wake.

The six mares and their zebra companion stood in a circle around the insensate form of the errant earth pony, looking wanly at one another and down at the object of their frantic, and now successful, search. She let out a barely audible mumble as a tear pooled at the corner of her eye. "D-daven... port..."