Princesses Do Everything Better
“Thanks for lending me a room in your castle to stay in, Twilight,” said Sunset Shimmer. The place was honestly huge - the massive bed and gorgeous furniture put her own modest living space to shame. She levitated a large suitcase though the air, glad for an opportunity to practice her magic again.
“Don’t worry about it!” replied Twilight happily. “This way, you can come by any time you want! Let me know if you need anything. Just mind the castle’s other residents. The girls sometimes stay over, and then of course there’s Spike and – oh! You haven’t met Starlight Glimmer! She’s been living with me for a while now.”
The suitcase fell to the ground with a heavy thud as Sunset’s magical aura vanished.
Living with her?
Sunset turned to face the large four-poster bed, trying to look casual. “Ah… who’s she?”
“Well, she’s studying friendship with me now. She’s really really, smart. And gifted! I think she’s pretty much as good at magic as I am-”
Sunset glanced at Twilight’s alicorn wings, and remembered Twilight’s unequalled passion for the magical sciences.
How am I supposed to compete with a unicorn who’s as powerful as an alicorn…
“-because she could match me blow-for-blow when we fought during that time-loop affair which made me miss the Friendship Games.”
“Oh right, I remember that.”
Finishing a spell by Starswirl the Bearded and going back in time to change reality. And here I was trying to take over a high-school so I could attempt to conquer Equestria with a tiny army of mesmerized teenagers - all with a stolen crown.
Sunset’s ears drooped at the thought. It was bad enough being completely outclassed at magic by an alicorn princess, but now here was another unicorn, just as she was, who made all her accomplishments look like child’s play.
“Are… are the two of you close?” she asked.
Twilight seemed completely oblivious to the implications of the question. “Oh, very! It’s been great having her around. It turns out that teaching friendship also helps me learn more about it!”
“I… see. I guess I’ll probably meet her later,” said Sunset, completely devoid of enthusiasm.
Face it, Sunset. You’ve struck out.
“Oh, not likely,” replied Twilight, still smiling, “at least for a while. She’s visiting her coltfriend in the Crystal Empire.”
Sunset perked up instantly.
Back in the game, baby!
Twilight looked puzzled at the jubilant grin Sunset was unexpectedly sporting. “So um… there’s something about your visit that I’ve been meaning to ask…”
Sunset’s grin faded a little. “What about?”
Please don’t be about that please don’t be about that please…
“Well…” Twilight blushed. “It’s about what happened the last time we met.”
Darnit!
The mishap was something that Sunset was very much hoping Twilight would have forgotten about, even if it was pretty unlikely that Twilight would simply fail to recall dragging about twenty pounds of erotica across the mirror portal.
“Ah… what exactly do you want to know?” asked Sunset innocently.
“Well,” said Twilight gingerly, “it’s just that… some time ago, I wanted to show you a picture of my niece Flurry Heart – who is absolutely adorable, by the way – but when I brought the photograph over to the human world...”
Sunset winced. Oh gosh, she’s guessed it right away.
“…the picture showed an infant human girl.”
Sunset turned to face Twilight, with an expression similar to that of a foal caught stealing from a cookie jar.
“I- that is…” she began.
“Sunset, please be honest with me.” Twilight looked directly into the unicorn’s eyes, almost pleading for a straight answer. “Did all the pony erotica you made me bring to you turn into pictures of humans?”
Sunset nodded nervously. “Clothed humans. I now have the most salaciously-posed casual-wear fashion catalogue ever.”
“So the reason you asked to borrow a room in my castle was… so you could bring your porn here to masturbate to?”
Sunset trembled slightly as she nodded again. “I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad.”
“Oh!” Twilight looked surprised at Sunset’s reaction. “Nono, don’t be embarrassed! I was just curious, that’s all! I mean, it’s not like I don’t understand what a mare’s needs are… like…”
“Oh um, right.” Sunset recalled the embarrassed revelation by Twilight the last time they met. “You did say you have your own porn collection too.”
“Yeeeees…” Twilight hemmed and hawed for a bit, then gathered herself and asked, “I was just wondering, since we are talking about pornography, if you could do me a little favor.”
“Ah.” Sunset relaxed a little, though her blush didn’t fade entirely. She lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “Did you want to borrow a magazine?”
“Oh no, that’s not it either. I did tell you I have every issue-”
“Wait, you meant literally every single one?” asked Sunset, puzzled. “Fillyfoolers Fortnightly has been published for over four decades. That’s more than a thousand copies!”
“Eheh…”
“Twilight…” Sunset eyed her friend cautiously. “How did you get hold of every issue of a forty year-old magazine?”
“Weeeeeeell…” Twilight blushed. “You know how the Royal Canterlot Archives has a copy of every book, magazine and academic journal published in Equestria? I sorta volunteered to let them house a part of that archive in my castle, so um…”
“You pulled your princess privileges to procure a prolific pile of pony pornography,” said Sunset flatly.
Twilight grinned sheepishly.
***
“Chief Archivist Decimal Dew, why exactly are we moving all of this?”
“Princess Twilight Sparkle has generously donated space in the new Castle of Friendship to store some of these publications, so for now we’re transferring everything in storerooms 4-B to 4-D and 12-A.”
“Um, 4-B to 4-D are mostly journals on advanced magical theory, right ma’am?”
“Yes. Is there a problem?”
“It’s just that 12-A is… well, the first box contains every back issue of Big Bouncy Batpony Booty.”
“Ugh. Listen, Assistant Junior Librarian Pagestack, have you any idea how expensive it is to rent space in Canterlot? Are you asking me, in the middle of all these budget cuts, to turn down free additional storage space over what is probably a clerical error? This is the Princess of Friendship you are talking about! Even if it wasn’t a mistake, she’s probably doing research into pony psychology or relationships, not drooling over pictures of intertribal porn!”
***
“…and I’m a little worried, because I might have gotten a little drool on some of the pictures of intertribal porn,” finished Twilight.
Sunset broke into light giggle. “I am so proud of you right now.”
Twilight just smiled and looked away.
“Sooooo…” Sunset pawed the floor nervously. “Can I see your collection?”
“S-see my c-collection?”
“Yeah I mean, you’ve obviously already seen mine, even if it was an accident. It’s not like I can possibly judge you after that. And you are literally the only pony or person I can confide in about pornography. And also because…” Sunset lowered her voice again, “every issue of Fillyfoolers Fortnightly.”
Twilight considered what Sunset was asking. Her porn collection was something that she frankly never wanted anypony else to see, ever. But she and Sunset were close, and by sheer chance the unicorn was indeed the only pony who she could share her hoard with – not to mention be able to appreciate all the work she had put into it.
“Okay, fine. Come with me.”
She led Sunset to the second floor of the castle, into one of the side rooms of her immense library not far from her own bedroom. Even though it was designed to be a reading room, the crystal walls were still lined with bookcases packed with volumes. A couple of comfortable-looking armchairs rested next to a coffee table and a bust of an old unicorn that Sunset recognized as Starswirl the Bearded.
Sunset looked around. “Do you hide them all on one of the shelves here or something?”
“No, no. Spike helps me clean and reshelve books all the time, and I can’t have him finding them. I couldn’t even keep more than a couple of magazines until I got my castle, because he used to sleep in a basket in the same room.”
“Yes. I remember,” said Sunset somewhat irritably, distinctly recalling her last visit to Twilight’s bedroom and how that very basket had prevented her from making a clean getaway with a certain crown.
“Ahaha. Moving on…” said Twilight quickly. “I had to hide all my magazines where Spike can’t find them, because I mean he is a baby and early exposure to pornography is obviously bad for foa- er, hatchlings. So when I started moving books in here, I had the carpenters install a bookcase over the door to a side room with no windows…”
Sunset raised an eyebrow. “You have a secret porn vault?”
“…Yeah.”
Sunset blinked several times. “I don’t want to sound like Rainbow Dash, but that is crazy awesome.”
Twilight smiled modestly. “It’s pretty well-concealed, and I had the entire room hermetically sealed and magically locked so that nothing in it will even get damaged for hundreds of years. The entrance has a hidden switch that nopony will ever find-”
“It’s that bust of Starswirl the Bearded, isn’t it,” deadpanned Sunset.
Shock covered Twilight’s face. “Was it that obvious?”
“Mmhmm. Do you flip up the head to reveal a button under the chin?”
“No! I needed something that Spike couldn’t activate at all! You have to channel a little arcane energy into the tip of the bust, see…”
Sunset looked at the spot in question. “You open it by using your magic to rub Starswirl’s horn.”
“…”
“…I guess when you put it that way, it does sound kind of suggestive,” admitted Twilight. She applied the correct mystical force to the appendage somewhat self-consciously, causing the nearby bookcase to slide forwards and then to the side.
It opened into a darkened chamber easily three times the size of Sunset’s admittedly tiny home in the human world. As the unicorn stepped through the doorway, hundreds of candles simultaneously ignited in tiny magical flames, filling the entire place with a warm, romantic ambience, especially since it was accompanied by the relaxing scent of sandalwood. The flickering illumination slowly revealed the room’s contents - arranged in flawlessly neat rows along six layers of shelves built into the walls were thousands- nay, tens of thousands of magazines with every kind of smut imaginable.
In the middle of the floor was a single comfortable-looking recliner next to an end-table and an unlit reading lamp.
“Wow…” Sunset trotted past the shelves, noting the meticulous labeling and categorization. “Twilight, this place… is a Porn Paradise.”
“Uhm thanks, I guess?”
“It’s your Erotic Elysium,” continued Sunset.
“Yes…”
“Your X-rated Xanadu.”
“Okay I think that’s enough…”
“Your Institution of Indecent Immodesty. Library of Lewd Lasciviousness. Repository of Risqué Raunchiness. Archive of Arousing Adult Activity-”
Twilight sighed. “Fine. Get it out of your system.”
“Temple of Titillation. Basilica of Bawdy Bliss. Cathedral of Corrupting Crudeness. Pagoda of Purile Perversity. Holy Hall of Horny Hardcore Hotness!”
“…Are you done?”
“One more. It’s your Scurrilous Salacious Smut Sanctum of Sleazy Sapphic Sexploitation!” Sunset sniggered madly as she finally took a moment to breathe. “Okay, that’s all I got.”
Twilight smiled. “I actually call it my Fortress of Solitude.”
“Ooh, that’s a good one!” said Sunset, marveling at the immense collection. “Hey… since you did say you had every issue here, would you happen to have the 25th anniversary collector’s edition of Fillyfoolers Fortnightly?”
“Oh yeah. I’ll find it for you – just take a seat.”
Sunset glanced apprehensively at the recliner. “Uh, I’d rather not.”
As Twilight searched through one of the shelves, Sunset’s eyes scanned the rest of the room’s contents, eventually noticing a small cabinet with tiny drawers. On each drawer was a label with successive alphabetical letters and numbers.
“Is… is that a card catalogue?”
Twilight nodded gleefully. “I’ve categorized them by title, publication date and fetish type! Although, I do kinda know where everything is by memory, so it’s not exactly like I need it.”
“So why go through the trouble of making a catalogue?”
“Uh, because it’s a library?” said Twilight, looking at Sunset as if the answer was completely obvious.
Sunset snickered. "Yeah, I should have expected that answer.” She opened one of the drawers and disinterestedly leafed through the cards. One of the titles caught her eye.
“Art commissions?”
Behind her came the sound of a pile of magazines flopping to the floor. Sunset turned and saw Twilight staring at her, frozen in terror.
Her curiosity piqued, Sunset looked over to the shelf indicated by the card. On it, half hidden by a massive row of magazines, was a small collection of paper sheets individually wrapped in plastic. She trotted over to them and picked up the first one.
Twilight shrank. “Please don’t judge me.”
Sunset looked at the picture in shock. On it were two distinctly bipedal hairless primates conducting what could be generously described as horizontal exercise.
“You commissioned dirty art of humans?”
Twilight lowered her head and whimpered.
Sunset found the artist’s signature at the bottom. “This picture is dated four years ago. Long before you ever entered the portal.”
“Look, I can explain…”
“Oh my gosh. You’re one of those finger fetishists, aren’t you.”
“...Yeah.”
It quickly occurred to Sunset how much she was upsetting her friend. She wiped the shock off her face and composed herself. “Look, I’m not judging you, okay? I was just a little surprised, that’s all. I mean, I’ve heard about this fetish, I’ve just never met anyone who had it – it’s not exactly common.”
Twilight slumped a little. “It’s not so rare these days, ever since those Daybreak books were published.”
“Daybreak?”
“Okay, you know how there were always crazy legends of humans, right? Well, a few years ago this book series comes out about a romantic story between a pony and a human…”
Sunset gaped. “Romantic story? Twilight, legends of intelligent primates are supposed to be scary! They’re warmongering hunters, like Ahuitzotl or Tirek, and you’re only supposed to be safe when they go to sleep at night!”
“Yeaaah. Well, the humans in Daybreak can walk around during the night, they just avoid it because they glow with artificial light when they do.”
Sunset rolled her eyes. “That sounds so stupid.”
“It is a little dumb,” admitted Twilight. “But I first read them when I was very young and didn’t exactly have a lot of experience with popular fiction,” – the way Twilight grimaced when she said those two words made it clear she still didn’t have a high opinion of the genre – “and one of my friends at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns was very much into the series, so she loaned me the first book…”
Sunset looked at her flatly. “It was Lyra Heartstrings, wasn’t it.”
“You know her?” asked a surprised Twilight.
“Lyra was a friend of mine when I went to CSGU too. She used to go on and on about how humans really existed.”
Twilight giggled. “That does sound like her. I used to think she was crazy.”
“Same here.” Sunset nodded wistfully as she remembered the mint-green unicorn espousing the erotic qualities of primate fingers. Then she frowned. “Hmm. And now we know she’s right. Does this make crazy old Lyra smarter than both of us?”
Twilight laughed and shook her head. “I’m fairly sure there’s no danger of that.” After a moment she put her hoof to her chin and thought carefully. “You know, between me and Lyra having this fetish… I wonder how many unicorns are into humans, too.”
“I can’t imagine that many, honestly. It’s not like humans and unicorns can actually interact…” Suddenly Sunset stiffened, as she recalled a seemingly esoteric story from the human world.
“Is there something wrong?” Twilight peered at her worriedly.
“Nono it’s just that- well, humans have legends about unicorns, too,” explained Sunset. “The most well-known one is that we are apparently…” she paused, “only tamable by virgin girls.”
It slowly dawned on Twilight what Sunset was getting at. “Uhm, from when exactly did this legend originate?”
“…About a thousand years ago.”
They both slowly turned their heads towards the stone carving outside the room.
Twilight facehoofed. “Starswirl was a dirty old stallion with a human fetish.”
Sunset rubbed her temples. “I guess that bust is more appropriate than you thought. It makes a lot of sense actually. He did make the mirror into a portal to another dimension and created a whole bunch of spells to turn anypony who went through it into a human… he probably didn’t go through all that trouble just to beat some sirens.”
“Urgh… I guess this is why they say you should never meet your heroes.”
***
Hundreds of years later-
“Pagestack the Thirteenth, I do believe that we are nearing the completion of our excavation!”
“But Ms Dew, what on earth could possibly have survived after hundreds of years? Paper doesn’t last that long!”
“Nonsense! Look at that hermetically sealed vault and the magical preservation spells! I tell you, after years of research and poring over those documents signed by my own ancestor, we are on the verge of rediscovering the hidden library of Princess Twilight Sparkle! Imagine the arcane secrets and forgotten lore lost to history beyond that door! Now let us open it and reclaim some of her genius and brilliance for the good of academics across Equestria – this is the culmination of my life’s work, Pagestack! I have lived my whole life for this moment!”
***
Sunset examined the rest of the pictures, noting the hilariously inaccurate depiction of human sexual positions. “You know… this explains so much about you and Flash.”
“Yeah.” Twilight sighed sadly. “I panicked when I found myself turned into a human, and then he was the first human who was really nice to me that didn’t creepily resemble one of my friends…”
Sunset listened soberly. It wasn’t easy hearing about her ex-boyfriend and literally the most amazing pony in her life getting together.
Twilight noticed her expression. “Sorry. I know the two of you used to date.”
“It’s okay. I only dated him to be popular. It was kind of a horrible thing for me to do,” said Sunset, trying very hard to push down the fact that even though she did date him for that reason initially, she gradually become somewhat fond of him later on and was still hurt by the rejection when he broke up with her. It took a while before she finally got over it and made no small contribution to her abrasive personality before she met Twilight.
“It’s not going to work out between us, is it?" Twilight groaned. “He’s a human living a human life over in the human world, and I am a pony princess with responsibilities here in Equestria. Not to mention I don’t think anypony – my parents, friends, Princess Celestia – would understand me dating a human.”
Sunset wasn’t sure how to respond. She didn’t want to be the sort who disparaged her romantic rivals for no good reason. “I think if your friends are anything like mine, they would support you no matter what. And Princess Celestia will probably do the same,” she said, wincing as she mentioned the name.
“I’m not really sure if being the appropriate species is really a sound foundation for a relationship. I hardly even know Flash – he doesn’t even know I am a pony. Do I like him just because he’s human? Gosh, I’m such a freak, aren’t I…” Twilight sighed again, sinking onto the recliner.
Sunset smiled and gave her a little hug. “A mutual friend taught me that what you like isn’t something anyone should judge, because there really is no accounting for taste.”
“I guess.” Twilight returned the smile. “It’s a stupid fetish anyway. The only way to get a human here is through the portal, and they’d turn into a pony when they do. No Humans in Equestria.”
“Hey, who knows. Maybe a wizard will send you one with magic without using the portal."
“Now you’re just being silly. No, I’m just going to have to be sensible and forget about this, unless I can somehow meet a human whom I can date without looking wierd and who won’t object to the fact that I’m a pony.”
Sunset let out a depressed whinny.
“Oh!” Twilight suddenly perked up. “Actually, that brings me to the favor I wanted to ask.”
Sunset’s eyes flicked upwards. Twilight was looking at her intently, her expression entirely serious. A slight redness crept onto her face.
“Well, now you know everything.” Twilight’s blush intensified slightly. “And um, you are after all a human, and well, I’m sure you understand a mare’s needs and that I can’t really satisfy them on this side of the portal, so I was just wondering…”
“Yes…?” Sunset found herself leaning forward, hanging on to every word.
“…if I could borrow your apartment and human porn sometime.”
“…”
“Oh.”
“I know you obviously have a lot less space to share than I do, but I could just use your bathroom or something when you’re not around. I promise I’ll clean up very thoroughly after I’m done!”
“Yeah. Yeah, that’s no problem,” said Sunset, her voice filled with false cheer. “I mean, you are lending me a room too, so it’s more than fair.”
Twilight grinned widely. “Thanks a lot! Anyway, I found the magazine you wanted. I’ll let you have some privacy while you take a look at it,” she said, winking mischievously as she floated the issue over.
Twilight walked out of the room, closing the secret door behind her. Sunset said nothing until she was alone.
“Horseapples!”
