Cross-Cultural Colloquialism Capers
Sunset Shimmer looked around Fluttershy’s cottage. It was incredibly quaint, in the cozy small-town way – very different from the Canterlot apartments of her youth or the modern houses of the human world. The unicorn had recently begun making occasional visits to Ponyville, and was trying her best to get along with all of Princess Twilight’s pony friends. It turned out that the pegasus version of Fluttershy loved animals every bit as much as her human counterpart, so helping her with them seemed like an easy way to spend time with both her and Rainbow Dash, who was apparently also assisting her that day.
“Thanks for volunteering to help me with the animals today.” Fluttershy smiled appreciatively. She had been a little apprehensive of Sunset at first, especially considering what had happened the last time Sunset visited Equestria, but was among the first to warm up to Sunset’s earnest efforts to befriend everyone. “Rainbow is very good to have around, but she can be a little… impatient with some of the creatures.”
“It’s no problem at all,” replied Sunset cheerfully. She was in fact very happy just to visit Equestria, enjoying the nostalgia of walking on hooves and being able to use her magic again.
As if to prove Fluttershy’s statement, Rainbow Dash suddenly flew into the room through a window, looking extremely irate.
“ARGH! You would not believe what Eeksy just threw at me!” she yelled, pointing outside.
A tiny head poked from the edge of the windowsill, grinning mischievously.
“Is that a bonnet macaque?” asked Sunset. She trotted over and gently picked up the monkey with her magic, smiling internally at the irony of cradling a primate while in her pony body. Eeksy blew a raspberry at her and grinned toothily, making Sunset giggle.
“Oh, you know your animals!” Fluttershy beamed. “Isn’t he adorable?”
“He’s a menace, that’s what he is,” said Rainbow. She pointed at her shoulder with a hoof, where a bright orange splotch had marred her sleek cyan coat. “He’s got smashed carrots all over me!”
“He’s just being playful, Rainbow,” said Fluttershy.
“He’s being mean! Yesterday he dumped a bowl of nuts right on my head! And last week he pulled my tail while I was flying and made me fall into a mud puddle! I have half a mind to spank that monkey!”
Sunset froze. Gradually her lips curled upwards, and a soft giggle escaped from her mouth.
Fluttershy stiffened at the sound. Both she and Rainbow turned slowly towards Sunset’s odd reaction.
“Um, is there something you find funny, Sunset?” asked Fluttershy cautiously.
Sunset suddenly realized what it must have looked like. The last thing she wanted was for Twilight’s friends to think she found amusement in physical pain. She sobered up quickly.
“Ah, it’s nothing. It’s just that human slang is different from ponies’, and their euphemisms are uh…” She wasn’t sure how to explain the naughty reference. “Look, it just reminded me of a joke I heard in the human world, okay?”
“Okay…” Fluttershy relaxed a little. She turned back to the other pegasus. “Rainbow, I really wish you wouldn’t speak so casually about violence.”
Rainbow Dash crossed her forelegs unrepentantly. “I’m just saying, if you spanked the monkey every time he misbehaved, he wouldn’t be so difficult to handle!”
Hoo boy, thought Sunset.
Fluttershy sighed in annoyance. “Rainbow, you can’t just spank the monkey every time you get frustrated.”
“I’m not actually going to, Flutters.” Rainbow frowned. “I’m only thinking about it.”
“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with how much joy you get fantasizing about spanking the monkey. You should try being a little gentler, like Sunset here.”
“Yeah,” said Sunset, with a mischievous smirk to match that of the monkey, who was at that moment playing hide-and-seek inside her voluminous mane. “Maybe you should try strokin’ macaque, instead of spanking the monkey.”
Rainbow rolled her eyes. “That’s not going to work, Fluttershy. You need to be hard and forceful with something that uncontrollable!”
Sunset covered her mouth with her hoof to hide her smile. “You want to spank the monkey hard and forcefully.”
“Yes, until it goes limp!”
Fluttershy's face hardened in a manner that made it very clear she didn't like what she heard. “This is just like that time you threatened to throttle Roosterginald.” She pointed at a large nearby cockerel watching the exchange unfold.
“Wait,” said Sunset, trying to keep a straight face. “Are you saying that Rainbow Dash wanted to choke the chicken?”
“Yes!” Fluttershy sqeaked. “Isn’t it awful?”
“He nailed me with his beak right in my muzzle just because I wouldn’t give him any extra corn! Twice!” said Rainbow.
Fluttershy sighed again. “Would it really be so hard to let him have a few more kernels?”
Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Look at him, Flutters. He’s obese! You’ve been stuffing that cock!”
Snerk!
Sunset immediately rubbed her muzzle with her right hoof, covering up the snort by pretending to clear her nose. "Uh... so, where exactly has Fluttershy been stuffing that cock?"
"Well, down the throat, obviously!"
"Riiiight, obviously," said Sunset with a satisfied smirk. "Just checking."
“Roosterginald is just big boned.” said Fluttershy defensively, even though the bird in question seemed completely ambivalent to Rainbow’s comments regarding his girth.
“Oh come on,” said Rainbow. “I see him scratching in the yard for worms in addition to all the grain you feed him. Your stuffed cock is bursting with protein!”
This has to be a setup, thought Sunset. Twilight put them up to this, didn’t she?
“Well, if you’re going to be thinking like that, Rainbow,” said Fluttershy diplomatically, “I don’t think I want you near the monkey or chickens. Why don’t you take care of Opalescence for a while?”
The name wasn’t familiar to Sunset. “Opalescence?”
“Rarity’s pussy,” said Rainbow flatly, indicating a longhaired cat sitting on the table. “The worst pussy in Ponyville.”
“Please don’t tell me you have a problem with pussies too, Rainbow,” said an exasperated Fluttershy.
“Hey, that’s not even fair! I love pussies! You can ask anypony around!”
“Oh yeah.” Sunset barely suppressed a smirk. “I’m sure anypony would attest to how much you love pussies.”
“See?” Rainbow waved in Sunset’s direction while addressing Fluttershy. “Even Sunset could tell how much I love pussies just by looking at me!”
“Especially after you told us how much you dislike macaque.” Sunset giggled, offering the monkey in question a slice of apple. She couldn’t see why Rainbow disliked him – he happily grabbed the floating fruit from the air and began adorably gnawing on it.
“Don’t you mean ‘macaques’?” asked Fluttershy quizzically.
“No.” Sunset grinned. “Well, Fluttershy has a pussy too.” She tilted her head in the direction of another white cat with a puffy blue bow. “Do you like Fluttershy’s pussy?”
“Of course I like Fluttershy’s pussy!" said Rainbow, remembering the time Fluttershy helped her choose a pet. "She even offered it to me once before, but her pussy is just a little too cute for me to fully appreciate. It’s only Rarity’s pussy I can’t stand. Nopony likes Rarity’s fancy pussy!”
Rarity would be crushed to hear that. Sunset chuckled to herself.
“That’s not true at all!” Fluttershy flew over to that table and picked Opalescence up with her front hooves, setting the cat down on the floor in front of Sunset. “Sunset, would you like to play with Rarity’s pussy?”
Sunset laughed. “If Rarity doesn’t mind, I’d love to!”
Snark aside, she slowly watched the cat’s reaction to her. She had dealt with a lot of stray cats during her life on the streets when she first entered the human world, so she knew a little trick that often worked. She extended a forehoof slowly towards Opalescence, allowing the animal to sniff it and become familiar with her scent. Once she was satisfied that Opalescence wouldn’t feel threatened by her, she gingerly tickled the cat’s ear using the same hoof.
Rainbow watched in disbelief. “That is literally the first time I’ve ever seen Rarity’s pussy open up to a stranger.”
Aaaand, we’re right back in again, thought Sunset. “She’s not so bad, Rainbow.”
“No, seriously. That thing is all teeth and claws. I would have thought that anypony who touched Rarity’s pussy would lose their hoof. I’ve been scratched more times than I can count - made me so mad I wanted to pound her.”
Sunset sighed. “You wanted to pound Rarity’s pussy.”
Why do humans have so many sexual euphemisms involving animal abuse?
“Well, not for real! Rarity would be furious if I did!” said Rainbow.
“Yes, yes she would be,” nodded Sunset. “Especially since she didn’t give you permission.”
Fluttershy looked horrified. “Why would Rarity ever give anypony permission to do that…”
“Sorry Fluttershy, you’re right.” Sunset calmed herself, realizing that she was getting a little carried away. A second later she broke into a chortle and added, “There’s no way Rarity would ever let Rainbow Dash pound her pussy!”
Rainbow wasn’t sure why Sunset seemed so tickled by the statement. “I don’t really want to, you know. I just wanna show her who’s boss.”
“You want to assert your dominance by pounding Rarity’s pussy!” cackled Sunset. “I thought you said you hated it!”
“Yes, that’s why I want to pound her!” shouted Rainbow. “What so funny, anyway? I don’t get what you’re laughing at!”
“Sunset is just being incredibly juvenile,” said Twilight Sparkle.
All three ponies turned towards the door, where a lavender alicorn princess was standing with a strangely annoyed scowl.
“Eheheh… hi, Twilight,” said Sunset.
Fluttershy was surprised at the alicorn’s appearance. “Twilight! We weren’t expecting you for a few hours yet.”
“Oh, I finished dealing with that palace paperwork early, so I thought I’d take Sunset here to meet Starlight Glimmer for tea at Sugarcube Corner. I was hoping that maybe we could discuss all the nice human colloquialisms that the human Rainbow Dash taught me.” The way Twilight phrased that last sentence could have ground a hole through solid steel.
Sunset gulped.
“But apparently,” Twilight continued, “I overheard that Sunset would rather stay here and play with Rarity’s pussy.”
The unicorn’s lips twitched slightly at the last two words.
Twilight slowly marched up to her with a frosty glare, practically daring her to laugh. “Go on Sunset. Why don’t you… stroke Rarity’s pussy?”
Sunset nodded and did so, even if her expression was conveying a surprising mix of barely contained mirth and faltering self-control.
“Good. Why don’t you stroke Fluttershy’s pussy, too?” Twilight brought over the second cat and placed it right under Sunset’s other hoof. “You must be ecstatic. Two pussies at once.”
"Uh no, thanks," said Sunset, biting her lower lip in a herculean effort not to giggle. "I'm happy with this one."
"Oh, you don't want to play with Fluttershy's pussy? She must be so disappointed." Twilight scanned the rest of the room for other animals, finally settling on a pair of birds along with a semi-aquatic mammal. "Maybe you'd prefer to hold on to her boobies or mess around with her beaver instead."
The two pegasi watched the exchange fearfully. Even if they had no clue about what was going on, the mood was painfully obvious and no one wanted to get in the way of an angry Twilight. Sunset looked like she was about to explode, half in laughter and half in tears.
“So why are you so enthusiastic about Rarity’s pussy today, Sunset?” asked Twilight.
“Um well, Rainbow Dash started off by saying she wanted to pound Rarity’s pussy. And spank the monkey. And maybe also choke the chicken. Rainbow Dash was very enthusiastic about choking the chicken.”
Snerk.
Twilight’s demeanor faltered. Her eyes flicked over to the animals in question.
“Hey don’t put that on me!” protested Rainbow. “I wouldn’t have wanted to choke the chicken if that big fat cock stuffed with protein didn’t try to stick his pecker into my face!"
Twilight’s pupils shrank very quickly. She could feel her moral high ground swiftly dissolving.
“Sunset?”
“Yes, Twilight?”
“You’re forgiven. Tea and scones at Pinkie’s place?”
Sunset nodded. The two beat a hasty retreat from the cottage, with blurted out goodbyes to the two pegasi.
Rainbow watched the door swing shut as the sounds of muffled guffawing strangely emanated from outside. She turned to Fluttershy. “So um, now that they’re gone, you wanna go upstairs and fluff my clouds?”
Fluttershy turned angrily towards her marefriend, outraged at her audacity after a whole afternoon of arguing.
“You can go buck yourself, Rainbow.”
