A Tale of Four Heroes Who Almost Saved the World

by Ironskull

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Discord, Derpy Hooves, Bulk Biceps, Dark, Trixie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Bon-Bon, Adventure
Length: 9081

There is no such thing as a zombpony, or an alicorn prince of war, or an army of ponies waging war against an army of undead on another planet. But Discord is still going to try to convince three fillies otherwise.

Everypony knows that there is no such thing as a zombpony. And there is certainly no such thing as the alicorn prince of war who was banished to another planet for being too violent. And there is most definitely not an army of ponies on that other planet waging endless war against an army of undead. And there never was a group of four ponies that almost ended the war forever. That's all just a dumb story that Discord made up for his radio show.

Never the less, Discord tries his best to convince three fillies that it is all true. This is an account of all of these things, as told by Discord.

As one might expect, this story contains some morbid humor and a bit of violence. It does not, however, contain anything that is considered 'gore'.

Published 2016-04-28 19:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-28 19:00:01 UTC

The Tale of the First Hero

Author's Note

This is an expansion of a short story that Discord told in the sixth chapter 'Discord Underground Talk Radio'. It is not necessary to read it in order to understand this story.

The Tale of the First Hero

"Discord! Discord!" cried three voices.

Discord didn't have to look to know who the voices belonged to. There were only three fillies in Equestria that ever greeted him with enthusiasm.

He stopped in his tracks and rotated on the spot without moving his legs at all.

"Well, well!" he declared. "My three favorite fillies! Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo. Do my ears deceive me, or were you per chance looking for moi?"

"We just listened to your latest radio program," explained Scootaloo. "And I just wanted to tell you that we really enjoyed the story about Crom and the ponies who battle the evil undead!"

"Why, thank you very much! From the bottom of my heart, I am touched, truly!"

"But we were wondering, is there really an army of warrior ponies on another planet fighting against armies of undead for all eternity?"

"Now now, I believe you may have missed the point," said Discord. "There really is an army of ponies fighting against armies of undead on another planet, but they are not trapped there forever. They are allowed to return when they finally obtain the elements of chivalry and defeat the evil liches.

"It's a shame," he continued, grinning. "They got soooo close that one time too."

As expected, this grabbed the Crusader's attentions.

"They almost succeeded?" asked Sweetie Belle in surprise.

"They did," answered Discord. "It was only a few years ago too..."

"You've gotta tell us what happened!" insisted Scootaloo.

"Well, I suppose I have enough time in my schedule to tell you about it," mused Discord.

"Yay!"

"Alright, I suppose I should begin with a recap," said Discord.

"As I said in my radio program, every single planet has its own alicorn that guides it through space. However, most of these alicorns are banished for one reason or another, which is why most ponies don't know about them. One such alicorn is Crom, prince of war. He is currently trapped on the planet closest to our own, and, to be honest, he loves it.

"For, many centuries ago, Princess Celestia banished several evil ponies who had turned themselves into liches and sent them to Crom. These liches have the power to create vast armies of undead. As the Prince of War, Crom loves nothing more than endless battle with an enemy that can never be truly defeated.

"However, Crom also has subjects of his own. All of the most violent and conflict loving ponies from Equestria were sent to his side in order to aid him against the armies of the liches. For countless generations these ponies have battled the undead. In all that time, neither side has ever defeated the other.

"The prince of war and his subjects may only redeem themselves and be allowed to return to Equestria if they can manage to successfully destroy the liches and all of the undead forever. And to do that, they require four artifacts of immense power: the elements of chivalry! And one fateful day, four heroes arose that were suited to wield them."

"What are the elements of chivalry anyway?" asked Apple Bloom.

"Be patient and listen," answered Discord, "and you will find out."

"The first hero was a pegasus from the Order of Celestia. The Order of Celestia is a group of ponies who dedicate themselves to living good lives, in the hopes that one day Celestia will look upon them one day and deem them worthy to return to Equestria. The ponies of the Order are actually a minority, however. Most ponies don't really have an interest in returning to Equestria. They are perfectly content with their lives where they are.

"That fact combined with the 'holier than thou' attitude that the Order has makes them somewhat unpopular. Fortunately, the vast majority of ponies live in fortified underground cities and most of the ponies in the Order live in temples on the surface of the planet, far away from other ponies, where they grow yellow things in Celestia's honor. Lemons, squash, bannannas, corn, even yellow peppers, they grow it all.

"Of course, like all ponies who live on planet Crom, they are also very skilled warriors in their own right. They have the most rigorous muscle building exercises of all ponies anywhere. The very best warriors in the Order of Celestia tend to have giant, bulging muscles and wear very heavy plate armor that covers nearly every inch of their bodies. They also wear bucket shaped helmets with silly red feathers sticking out of the top. Every time any of them speak, their voice echos inside of their helmets. It's supposed to make them seem even more imposing, but honestly it just makes them hard to understand.

"Anyway, these warriors are known as paladins. For some strange reason, they also refer to one another as 'brother so-and-so', or 'sister so-and-so'. They're not really siblings, at least most of them aren't, but they say it anyway. It's just a part of being a cult. They also carry big huge hammers that are way too heavy for a normal pony to hold, but any undead that gets hit by one isn't going to be getting up again. Broken bones don't make very good candidates for reanimation.

"So, as I was saying, the first hero is a pegasus from the Order of Celestia. But not only was he a member of the Order, he was the head of the Order. For no other pony shouted Celestia's praises as loudly as he.

"Brother Biceps!"

SNOOOOORE

"My brother, you must rouse yourself! The temple is under attack!"

"ATTAAAAACK!" bellowed the paladin, bolting upright in his bed in an instant, his shouting echoing inside the helmet that he never took off, even when he slept. He stopped shouting and looked at the other pony.

"We're under attack?" cried the paladin. "Why didn't you say so! To arms!"

"Brother, the undead are swarming the temple in numbers I have never before even dreamed!" cried the other pony in despair. "Many of our fellow brothers have fallen before I could reach you! We shall surely perish!"

"Then we shall perish in Celestia's glorious name!" bellowed the paladin.

"But... I don't want to perish!"

The paladin stopped to consider.

"Oh, fine. I shall escort you off of the premises personally. No harm shall come to you while I yet live at your side! And then, once you are safe and on your way to Crom City, I shall return here with reinforcements!"

"That is a much better plan, if you will permit me to say so."

The paladin approached the door and threw it open.

He quickly pushed it closed again and locked it.

And then grabbed a chair and stuck it under the door handle.

And then braced the chair with his body.

"Great Celestia!" he screamed. "You were not kidding! Never have I laid eyes on such a hoard in all of my life! I don't know if the sanctuary can hold any more! I wish we had this many ponies on oration day!"

"What are we going to do?" screamed the other pony. "There's no way out!"

"We will have to brute force our way through!" cried the paladin as he abandoned the doorway and picked up his war hammer. "Stay close to me!"

"There must be another way!" insisted the other pony.

"We're out of time!" cried the Paladin. He kicked the chair out of the way and smashed his hammer through the doorway, which exploded into splinters and stunned several zombponies on the other side.

He continued swinging the hammer relentlessly as he charged through the mob, which was too brain-dead to realize what was happening, or even attempt to get out of the way. Zombponies were thrown into the walls left and right as the paladin and his terrified accomplice barreled through.

Unfortunately, the only exit was being blocked by a lich. Liches have magic. Very powerful, deadly, evil magic.

Attempting to leave that way would be suicide. There was only one other option.

"Are you going to-" cried the other pony.

"YEAAAAAAAH!" roared the paladin in his echoy voice as he smashed through the temple's brick wall.

"You mean they got through a hoard of zombponies without either of them getting hurt?" asked Apple Bloom.

"That's absolutely correct!" said Discord. "The zombie ponies were too slow to catch up with them, and the lich was stuck in a middle of a hoard of zombponies, so he couldn't chase them either. And the paladin kept his word. When he had escorted his fellow pony to safety, he traveled to the nearest temple of the Order of Celestia and rounded up the paladins there and led them in a charge to take his home back. And his battle cry was as follows."

"Come now, my brothers! thundered Paladin Biceps as he led the charge of heavily armored ponies. "Let us avenge our fallen brothers! After all, that is what our brothers would do!"

"And this time, since the Order was not caught off guard, they crushed their enemy with ease. They destroyed the zombies in droves at a time, until only the lich leader remained."

"Your Zombponies have lacerated our lemons!" screamed Paladin Biceps at the lich, who was trapped against a corner and had somehow a concusion preventing him from using his magical powers. "They have crushed our corn! They have pulverized our peppers! They have busted our bannannas! And worst of all, they have squashed our squash! Now you must pay for this crime!"

"Your families wouldn't approve of me telling you what exactly happened to the lich, but let it suffice that they beat him up pretty bad. Of course, it didn't kill him permanently. As an undead lich, he gets a new body every time his old one is destroyed so long as he still has his phylactory.

"The lich was also wearing an amulet, and the paladin saw it and took it. And when he did, the amulet transformed from being a black and nasty thing into a golden rod shaped thing instead. And carved into the rod was the word 'justice'. Everypony was quite surprised by that of course, but they were even more surprised when the amulet started giving off a white light. The light got brighter and brighter until nopony could see a thing, and then it vanished all at once. And Brother Biceps had vanished with it."

"Was the amulet one of the elements of chivalry?" asked Scootaloo.

"Just wait and see," answered Discord. "So, it turns out that the amulet teleported our hero into the middle of the lich tower, where all the liches on the planet gather and scheme about really evil stuff. And he wasn't alone. There were three other ponies with him, and he immediately noticed that they were all holding amulets very similar to his own."

"So there's four amulets?" said Scootaloo. "Definitely the elements of chivalry then."

"Okay, yes, they are the elements," said Discord in annoyance. "Don't you want to know what happened to the other three ponies?"

"Yes please!"

"Then let me finish the story!"

The Tale of the Second Hero

"The next hero was an apprentice magician from the guild of mages. The guild of mages teaches unicorns how to fight with magic. This particular unicorn never did get the hang of combat magic, however. She did, however, master a spell called 'turn undead'. When this spell is cast on any undead, it reawakens their survival instincts and fills them with a sense of absolute terror and dread, which invariably makes them run away from the caster. They scream if they can.

"After failing to become a full member of the guild of mages for the forty-seventh time, this unicorn decided that she had had enough. She decided to field test her spell and prove how useful it could really be. And her goal was to gain entrance to the lich tower and destroy a phylactery. Nopony in living memory had ever managed to do it, but she believed that her special spell would give her an edge."

"They laughed at me!" cried the unicorn. "They laughed when I told them that I would go to the tower! Not one of them believed I would make it even this far!"

The blue unicorn's horn lit up and shot a beam of magic at the skeletal gate guardians of the tower, who quickly scattered in all directions.

"They don't expect to ever see me alive ever again!" continued the mage, ranting to herself. "Fools! I'll show them! I'll show them all who's really great and powerful! Why, when I return with the shattered remnants of a lich's phylactery, they will have no choice but to reevaluate their entire approach to magic!"

She climbed up the steps and stopped at the first floor. Tightening her purple cape and adjusting her pointed hat (the attire of apprentice mages), she opened the door.

And there stood a lich.

She prepared to blast him with her magic spell.

"Wait!" shouted the lich in a raspy voice. "Are you alive?"

The mage held her spell for a moment as she just stared at the lich. For some reason, she didn't blast him in the face right away. After all, nopony had actually spoken with a lich either. Or, at least, never held a civil conversation with one.

"Do I look like a zombie to you?" asked the mage sarcastically.

"Then you are in great danger!" cried the lich.

"I can take care of myself," said the mage dismissively. "Anyway, what do you care? Shouldn't you be trying to kill me right about now?"

"You don't understand!" cried the lich. "I never wanted to hurt anypony! I only do the whole 'ragh, I'm an evil necromancer' thing to keep the others from growing suspicious!"

"What!" shouted the mage.

"Not so loud!"

"Why should I believe you?"

"At first, I only wanted power," explained the lich. "but as time went on, I began to carry tremendous guilt for all of the things that I have done! I have become a monster!"

"Then why don't you do something about it?" asked the mage.

"There is only one way to free me from this cursed unlife!" declared the lich. "You must kill me! And when I say 'kill me', I mean for good! You must destroy my phylactery!"

"Wait a minute, you want me to kill you?"

"Yes! But not yet! You must wait until my phylactery has been destroyed first! I will show you where it is kept!"

"Well, that certainly beats wandering around this tower for who knows how long hoping to find one by accident," said the mage. "Very well. Lead the way."

As the lich led the mage through the tower, they passed many zombies, but the lich prevented them from attacking the mage. But then they approached another lich.

"Act like a zombie!" whispered the lich escorting the mage.

"I could just blast him," whispered the mage.

"Zombie!" insisted the lich.

The mage suddenly adopted a lumbering gait and let out her best zombie moan. "Hurgh..."

The other lich eyed them suspiciously.

"Is this your work, Dark Water?" he asked.

The lich called Dark Water let out a nervous raspy chuckle. "Yes, she is, and we have places to be, so-"

"I am scarcely surprised. She reeks of your work. You didn't even drain her blood first, I see. She'll be dead by tomorrow. Again."

"Yes, well, what I do is my business, Dreary Day!" snapped Dark Water.

"You aren't worth my time. Be gone with you!"

"Gladly!"

Dark Water and the mage marched past and into another room.

"I didn't realize that liches could dislike one another," remarked the mage.

"Oh, Dreary is the worst! It's always, 'You're such a terrible necromancer, Dark. Look at how I do it. You should be more like me, Dark. You're such a pathetic excuse for a lich, Dark. Unlike me! I'm perfect at everything I do!"

"Sore point?"

"Very."

"Is his name really Dreary Day?"

"Yes. Why?"

"No wonder you ponies went evil."

"I take offense to that."

"Do you want me to apologize?"

"What? Appologize? No, of course not! That would be very un-evil of you! We offend each other all the time! It's just one of the ways we like to socialize."

"Liches are weird."

"I take offense to that."

"Good."

"No! Not good!" objected Dark Water. "Bad!"

"Oh. Why are you so upset about the things that Dreary says about you then?"

"Because one wrong turn deserves another! I'm just being a bad neighbor!"

"This conversation is beginning to hurt my head."

The pair continued traveling through the tower until finally Dark Water led the mage into a small circular room. The only thing in the room was a pillar in the very center, which had an opaque vial sitting on top.

"Smash it!" cried the lich. "Destroy it!"

"So," began the mage in confusion, "why haven't you ever smashed it?"

"Our phylacteries can only be destroyed by the magic of a living pony!" explained the lich. "Now destroy it!"

"That... is a really stupid weakness."

"I agree completely. You have no idea how long I've longed to smash this infernal thing myself, but I never could! Now. Destroy!"

The mage shrugged to herself and then sent a bolt of magic at the phylactery, causing it to shatter.

"YES!" cried the lich triumphantly. "At last!" He began to laugh maniacly.

The mage gathered up the shards of the phylactery and put them into a pouch so that she could show proof of her deed to the guild of mages and rub it in their faces. Perhaps literally. She then turned to the still laughing lich and coughed, trying to get his attention. He didn't notice.

"Excuse me?"

"Huh?" said the lich. "What?"

"So... Do I kill you now, or what?"

"Not just yet! There is one last thing that I must attend to. Follow me!"

The lich rushed out of the room. The unicorn was confused, but followed after him.

She noticed that they were going in exactly the same direction that they had come from.

"Hey, Dark? We're going back the way we came."

"I am aware."

"But Dreary Day might still be there."

"That's what I'm hoping for!"

Eventually they came to the hallway where Dreary Day was indeed still waiting.

"What reason have you for stomping back and forth through the tower like this?" he asked. "Let me guess, you've lived here for a thousand years and you still managed to get yourself lost!"

"Shut up, Dreary!" screamed Dark Water. "I don't have to listen to you anymore! Soon, you won't even be a problem anymore!"

For once, Dreary Day stared agape at his colleague. He wasn't used to such audacity from Dark Water.

"Dreary Day," shouted Dark Water. "I hate you!"

Suddenly, an enormous fireball emerged from Dark Water's horn and engulfed the other lich.

"ARGH! screamed Dreary Day in pain. "What the tartarus, Dark! I'll see you rot in the dungeon for a thousand years for this!"

"Oh no you won't!" cried Dark Water happily as he watched his hated rival burn. "You see that mare over there? She's not a zombie, Dreary! She's a living pony, and just a few minutes ago, she destroyed your phylactery!"

"ARRRRGH!" was Dreary's only response before his desiccated body collapsed into the floor in a heap of ashes and the fire died out.

"Look at us now, mister high and mighty!" screamed Dark Water at the ashes. "Yes, you were so much better than me at everything I ever did, but there is one very important difference between us! I'm still here and you're not!"

"So, let me get this straight," said the mage. "That phylactery wasn't yours? It was his?"

"Of course it was!" answered the lich. "Do you really think I would let you kill me? However, you have done me a service I can never repay! I am free! Free at last! Muahahahahaha-" the lich suddenly broke down into a hacking and coughing fit.

"Ahem. Anyway, as a reward for helping me, I won't kill you! But I strongly recommend that you leave the tower now. Luckily for you, the other liches are all distracted watching gladiatorial combat, so if you are lucky you can make it out without being seen. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a fat stack research notes to steal from one of my late colleagues! At last, Dreary Day, the secrets of your success will be mine!"

The mage watched as Dark Water ran out of the hallway, laughing all the way.

She turned back to the pile of ashes.

There was nothing left of the lich at all, other than ashes.

Or was there? Something else in the pile caught her eye.

She lifted out a black amulet with her magic and watched in surprise as it transformed into a golden rod. Carved into the side of the rod was the word 'mercy'.

It began to glow and give off a bright white light. When the light died away, the mage found herself in another room of the tower surrounded by three other ponies that looked just as surprised as she was.

The Tale of the Third Hero

"The third hero was an agent for the guild of rogues. Usually their job is to stealthily slip behind enemy lines and assassinate the lich coordinating an army of undead. Of course, the lich just comes back to life again, but they come back at the lich tower, and the army would be left without a coordinator.

"This time, however, this particular rogue had a rather different mission. A very important pony had run off to the lich tower on a suicide mission, and she was tasked with stopping her. And it wasn't the apprentice mage that she was after. Nopony really cared about her running off.

"The pony that this rogue was after as Crom's personal student. Supposedly. Truthfully, the rogue doubted that the fabled alicorn of war truly existed. Although Crom was supposed to be the leader of all living ponies on the planet, she had never actually seen him. Other ponies insisted that it was because Crom spent all of his time doing battle with the undead, but she suspected that the truth was that there was no alicorn of war at all. Instead, she was sure that an unseen group of ponies controlled everything from the shadows.

"The pony that she was being sent after, she assumed, was most likely a renegade member of that group.

"She had successfully infiltrated the tower of liches and was trotting along the rafters, her black cloak making her nearly invisible in the poorly lit area.

"Unfortunately, she didn't see the magical trap."

There was a spark of magic and the rogue suddenly found herself trapped inside a cage of terrible red energy.

She tried slamming her hooves against the cage, but the strange energy cage simply reflected her momentum.

"Think, Sweetie Drops!" she said. "There must be a way out of this!"

Suddenly, she heard a cackling voice from below. The cage lifted into the air and then brought her down to the floor where the laughing lich was waiting.

"I know your kind!" he said with glee. "Always sneaking about, stealing artifacts that aren't yours and stabbing us in the back. Did you really think that we would let ponies like you into the tower without some kind of a counter-measure? You ponies never learn!"

"So what happens now?" asked the rogue, refusing to let her fear show.

"Well, ordinarily we would throw you in the dungeons to rot with the other mortals where you would wait until one of us require a living subject for one of our rituals, or some such thing. However, I have a special plan for you! The others are having a death game at the arena today! I will make you fight on my behalf!"

"Death game? You expect me to kill other ponies?"

"No. Frankly, I expect you to be killed. And the other competitors are all liches. We kill each other all the time, you see. It passes the time. We've turned it into a game, of sorts. Unlike you mortals, we always come back when we die. And, just to keep things interesting, we place bets.

"But even though we always come back, getting killed isn't very pleasant. So, I have no problem with having you go instead of me, even though you will surely lose me the thirty minions I have placed as a bet.

"However, if you do somehow manage to survive, I will win a whole two hundred and forty minions! Isn't that grand?"

The rogue stayed silent.

"Well, why should I care about your opinion anyway? Come, the fight begins shortly!"

And with that, the lich magically levitated the poor caged mare alongside him and made for the tower's arena.

It wasn't long before she found herself behind a wall of bars at the edge of the arena. Her captor had still not released her from the cage.

"Now then," he began. "Just having a free for all deathmatch got pretty boring after the first few decades, so we've taken to adding special rules to the fights in order to spice them up! Any minute now, the announcer is going to declare what special rule will apply to your fight."

They didn't have to wait long.

"The next match will be..."

The announcer lich's magically enhanced voice paused for dramatic effect.

"Invisibility combat!"

There was an eerie groan of disapproval from the hundreds of liches in the audience.

"Oh, quit your fussing!" said the announcer remprimandlingly. "Every time we have a invisibility fight, I hear the same complaints! It's always 'I can't see them!' 'What's going on now?' 'It's too confusing!' 'Didn't that guy die already?' Well, just shut up and deal with it!"

"Alright, listen up," said Sweetie Drop's captor. "You have seven opponents. In this battle style, we channel the magic of the whole tower to make each and every one of the combatants completely invisible."

"How are we supposed to fight?" asked the rogue in confusion.

"Well, you see, every time you cast a spell or touch an opponent, whether on purpose or by accident, you'll turn visible again for a couple of seconds. When that happens, everypony will know where you are and will probably try to kill you. One technique that the others use all the time is to create illusions of themselves in hopes that the others will go after the decoy. You might consider doing the same."

"I can't cast spells," protested the rogue, "I'm an earth pony!"

"Oh. So you are. Imagine that. Well, good luck then, you'll need it. In just a bit, those bars will be lowered and all of the combatants will be free to attack each other, including you. See you after the match, if you live!"

She watched as the lich cast a spell and teleported away. The magic cage finally dissipated.

"I have just been informed that Callous Curmudgeon is substituting a mortal mare in his place!" said the announcer's voice. "If she is defeated, it will be for good, so the stakes are high!

"Fire up the invisibility field!"

The rogue watched in awe as her own body disappeared before her eyes.

She looked skyward and said, "Lord Crom. If you are real, then help me! And if you're not, than to Tartarus with you!"

"And... Lower the gates!" finished the announcer.

Several liches briefly flashed into existence and then began to gradually fade away again. Some of them started to shoot spells at one another.

Several magical projectiles struck an opponent, all of whom screamed and fell to the ground before disappearing.

However, one magic bolt hit a lich and he screamed and melted into the floor. He didn't disappear.

"Was Austere the first casualty just now?" asked the announcer. "I think Austere is dead. Good job, whoever's spell it was that got him."

Suddenly, another screaming lich appeared out of thin air, clutching at his back before falling over.

"Ooooh!" cried the announcer. "I'm pretty sure the mortal just knifed Quagmire in the back!"

As more of the liches fell victim to hostile spells, the arena rapidly became much less frantic.

"Does anypony have any idea who's left?" asked the announcer. "I've lost track."

One of the liches decided to try throwing fireballs in random directions. He quickly was blasted by an energy bolt from behind.

After that, the arena was silent for a long time.

"Just waiting for somepony to make a move," said the announcer in boredom. "Any day now..."

There was another scream as yet another lich collapsed to the ground.

"And the mortal just killed Putrid Pest!" cried the announcer. "He didn't even show himself! I wonder how she did it?"

The arena became inactive once again.

"Umm..." began the announcer after a while. "Is it over? Are they all dead yet? We're looking into it."

...

"Oh. The invisibility field is down, you say? Where is the mortal? Does anypony see her?"

There was murmuring from the audience.

"Oh, for evil's sake! Did she slip away? How did she get away without anypony noticing?"

"Unbeknownst to the audience, the rogue had noticed that the last lich was wearing a strange amulet. She knew that sometimes liches carry enchanted items that protected them from harm. Of course, if this amulet was an amulet of protection, it hadn't exactly done it's job, but it might still be valuable.

"She took it. It turned into another golden rod with the word 'courage' carved into it. Unseen by anypony else, the amulet flashed and she disappeared."

The Tale of the Fourth Hero

"The fourth and final hero was none other than Crom's personal student, a humble grey pegasus mare. However, because her mentor spent so much of his time on the field of battle, he actually spent very little of his time training his student.

"This arrangement suited his student just fine, however. For she had a secret that, especially for Crom's personal student, would make her a laughingstock.

"She absolutely abhorred fighting.

"However, she did care very deeply about her fellow ponies. That is what led her to attempt to rescue a group of prisoners from the lich tower.

"Luckily for her, the liches were otherwise occupied that day, and she encountered relatively little resistance as she stormed the tower with her trusty blade. Eventually, she did discover where the ponies that she sought were being held captive.

"And as icing on the metaphorical cake, the guard lich appeared to be passed out. Stealing the key to the jail was easy."

As the pegasus approached the cell where everypony had been corralled inside, one of them spoke to her.

"Are you here to set us free?" asked a pegasus stallion hopefully.

"Yes, I am," answered the mare. "Is this everypony?"

"Fortunately, yes," answered the stallion. "They have threatened to take us away and do terrible things to us, but fortune is with us and you have come to save us before the liches have the chance to carry out their threats! We are forever in your debt!"

The mare inserted the key into the lock and turned it. The cell door opened.

"You must leave this place!" she told the prisoners. "There is a balcony nearby where you can make your escape! The pegasi among you must help the others to the ground safely!"

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" declared a raspy voice.

The mare turned to find the lich guard behind pointing a rapier at her, held in his magic grasp.

"Go," the mare said to the prisoners. "I will deal with him."

The other ponies gave her worried looks, but did not argue.

"I knew that you took the key," said the lich. "I just felt like having a laugh is all. That is the only reason I have not yet skewered you."

"Then you will regret that choice," responded the mare, drawing her blade to defend herself.

"I was just pretending to be asleep," the guard continued. "The undead don't need to sleep. Seriously! I promise you that they don't!"

The mare gave him a doubtful look.

"I sensed your presence long before you arrived!" said the guard. "What did you eat?"

The mare simply gave him a bemused stare.

The lich attacked.

The mare skillfully deflected her opponent's weapon, but made no attempt at any aggressive maneuvers.

"You foal!" cried the lich. "I am a magical genius! I am master of the arcane! I have lived for centuries, and I will live for many centuries more! You're just a ignorant, magicless pegasus! How can you hope to ever defeat me?"

The mare didn't answer. She simply focused on deflecting the rapier.

"You can say something back to me, you know," said the lich. "That's how this works. I say something mean to you, you say something dumb to me, repeat."

The mare didn't answer.

The lich fired a spell at the mare, but she moved out of the way.

"Okay you featherbrain, try this one out: You fight like a dairy farmer!"

The mare didn't answer.

"Come on, work with me here!"

As the fencing match continued, the mare was continuously forced back by the lich's furious assault. After dodging another spell, she looked behind her and realized that the fight was being taken to the balcony where the prisoners had escaped. There was no railing.

"Look, I don't care what, just say something, you stupid nag!" cried the lich in frustration. "Tell me that I'm stupid, or that I'm dead, even though I'm not the first thing, really. Or just say 'Oh yeah?', anything!"

The lich finally forced the mare over the edge of the balcony.

He unconsciously followed after her.

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

The mare shook her head as she watched her assailant plummet down the entire height of the enormous tower. After he hit the ground, she decided to fly down to inspect him.

She discovered the battered lich in a heap on the ground.

"That... was not fair..." he moaned before falling silent.

The mare noticed that the lich had an amulet around his neck. She was almost certain that it hadn't been there before.

She took it and it transformed.

Unlike the other three amulets, this one did not transform into a golden rod. It transformed into a golden 'T' shaped thing with two holes on opposite sides of the top. The word 'valiance' was carved into it.

It began to glow. A moment later, the mare found herself back inside the lich tower, surrounded by the other ponies.

One in particular was paying particular attention to her.

"Miss Hooves!" exclaimed the rogue. "I have been looking everywhere for you!"

A Disastrous Turn of Events

"Who are all of you?" demanded Brother Biceps. "And where am I and how did I get here?"

He looked up.

"And what in Celestia's name is that thing?"

The others looked up too and gasped. There was a giant purple crystal floating in the air in the enormous room. Streams of magic energy seems to be coming out of it and going into the walls.

"I think I know what that is!"

All eyes fell upon the magician.

"I believe that is the crystal core of the tower of liches!" she explained.

"What?" cried the paladin. "But how did we all wind up here? Was it dark magic?"

"No."

All eyes now fell upon Crom's student.

"It was these," she explained, indicating the element of valiance. "These are the elements of chivalry. Legend says that one day four ponies will wield them and use them to destroy the undead forever, proving that we are worthy to return to Equestria."

The others stared at her in shock.

"But, why have they taken us all to this place?" she continued. "I wish I knew what we need to do, but... I don't."

"I might have an idea," said the mage hesitantly. "These things have a tremendous amount of power in them. Can you feel it?" she asked everypony.

"Now that you mention it, I can," said the rogue.

"I can too," said Crom's apprentice. "But what are we supposed to do with that power?"

The mage pointed her hoof skyward, toward the crystal core.

"There's a reason that these things brought us to this place," she said. "That thing provides dark magical energy to the entire tower. If we overload it with these elements, it should destroy the entire tower and all of the phylacteries of all of the liches, destroying them permanently."

"Then we must do so at once!" cried the rogue.

"Alright, this seems simple enough," said Crom's apprentice. "Everypony. On the count of three, try to focus the power of the element at that core.

"One..."

"Two..."

Unfortunately, she never managed to utter 'three', for she was abruptly disrupted by a sudden force throwing her across the room.

"Miss Hooves!" screamed the rogue, who rushed to her side.

The remaining two ponies stared in disbelief at the newcomer who had attacked the pegasus.

There stood a giant of a stallion with a brown coat and a jet black mane that was so long and hideously unkempt that Rarity would probably faint just by looking at it. The fact that he was also an alicorn left no doubt as to his identity.

"Prince Crom!" cried Brother Biceps in disbelief.

"Have you gone completely insane!" screamed the rogue, unphased by the status of the pony that she was yelling at. "Tell us, please, what could possibly have possessed you to not only attack your own student, but also prevent the ending of the war against the undead forever?"

"I cannot allow what you are attempting to come to pass," answered Crom. "And I am prepared to do whatever it takes to stop you."

"But why?" asked the magician.

"Because, with the destruction of our enemies also comes the destruction of my purpose. Without foes to fight, I have nothing. We have nothing. It is all that we have ever known. The fight must continue."

"That's your reason for stopping us?" demanded the rogue furiously. "How can you be so- so selfish! You are the leader of all living ponies on this whole planet! They look up to you! But you do not deserve it!"

"No," answered Crom. "I don't. And I cannot allow you four to tell of what you have learned here today. Therefore, I banish you all to the dungeons below the city."

The alicorn's horn flashed and everything went pitch black.

It was strangely quiet.

"Is anypony there?" the rogue cried out.

A light emerged in the darkness, originating from the magician's horn, revealing a dusty stone room. There was no way out.

"We're all here," muttered the mage. "Minus one alicorn..."

"Ohhhhh, my head!"

"Miss Hooves!" cried the rogue in concern. "Are you alright?"

"No. I have a skull splitting headache... And I feel like I've just been stabbed in the back."

"Well, it wasn't me, despite my reputation for doing just that. You'll be fine. We'll all be fine," the rogue said, trying to reassure herself.

"We will never see the sun ever again!" cried the paladin. "Never, never, never-"

He began bashing his helmet against the stone wall in rhythm with his lamenting.

"Never, never, never, never, never!" he cried one final time as he stopped smashing into the wall.

"Wait a minute," said the magician, walking closer to the paladin. "Look!"

"What is it?" asked the paladin.

"There's a crack!"

"Huh."

"Do that again!"

"You mean bashing my head against the wall?" he asked bemusedly.

"There's another room behind that wall!" explained the magician. "Can you knock it down?"

"Of course I can! There's nothing that I can't knock down without my trusty..."

He trailed off awkwardly and looked around.

"My hammer is gone," he stated.

"So is my dagger, but the elements are not," said the rogue in realization. "Why would Crom take away our weapons and leave us with the elements of chivalry?"

"Does it matter?" asked the mage. "So, can you knock down this wall or not?"

"Stand back."

A moment later, the paladin shoulder bashed through the wall, leaving a gaping hole for the others to follow him through.

"Miss Hooves, can you walk?" asked the rogue.

"Yes, I can. I'll feel miserable whether I'm walking around or curled up on the floor... I think my vision is blurry too. I can't see a thing."

The mage stepped through the hole. "Alright, what do we have here?"

"Looks like another dead end," said the paladin. "There's something over here on the wall though. Bring the light closer."

The mage did so. She walked beside Brother Biceps and looked at the wall. There was a circular impression in it with three holes in a line on the inside.

"I'm not sure what that is," she admitted. "Hold on, what's this? There's writing above it. 'The elements are the key'..."

"What?" said the rogue in disbelief. She ran to look. Sure enough, the message above the strange symbol in the wall was exactly as the mage had said.

"I have a really bad feeling about this," said the rogue seriously. "It's almost as if somepony knew that we would be here."

"This looks like some sort of locking mechanism," said the mage. "And it would appear that the elements are the keystones."

"And do we really want to find out what it does?" countered the rogue. "Most likely, it's a trap!"

"What else can we do? Try knocking down more walls?"

"That seems like a good idea right at the moment, yes."

"Let me see your amulet."

"You want this?" asked the rogue, holding up a golden rod. "Fine. Here, take it. Just let me get far away from you before you try using it."

"I'll be needing yours too," the mage said to the paladin.

"I hope you know what you are doing," he remarked as he gave his element to her.

She started jamming the rods into the three holes.

Unfortunately, they immediately popped back out, as though pushed out by a spring.

The mage groaned in frustration.

"It's no good," she said. "We need to get them all in at once, and I can't manage it without something to hold them all together..."

She trailed off.

"Somepony bring me the last one."

The rogue carefully took the 'T' shaped element and gave it to the mage.

She examined it for a minute.

"No, no!" cried the mage in despair. "This isn't any good either! There's two holes on the top, not three! I thought for sure that meant something, but it doesn't work!"

Despite her logic telling her that it was no good, she stuck one of the rods into the 'T' piece anyway, and then the other.

She did a double take and stared at the result.

She grabbed the third rod and did something impossible.

"WHOOOOAAA-HOOOO!" she screamed, dropping the elements and backing away as though it was a poisonous snake.

"What, what!" cried the rogue. "What's wrong?"

"Don't look at it!" screamed the mage. "Don't look at it!"

"You mean the elements?" asked the rogue. She looked.

"HOLY PONYFEATHERS!" she screamed. "What is that thing?"

"What is what?" asked Crom's student. "I can't see it! What's wrong?"

"Whoaaa," remarked the paladin. "That is freaky. How did you do that? It has the three rods sticking out of it, but it's only connected in two places!"

"It's an impossible trident!" cried the mage fearfully. "It shouldn't be allowed to exist! I think my hooves might fall off if I so much as even touch it!"

"I don't understand what I'm looking at," said the rogue in a surreal tone.

"Something is warping space in a very wrong way!" explained the mage. "There must be some really, really powerful magic at work here!"

"So, can we get it into the holes?" asked the paladin. He moved toward the impossible object.

"No, don't!" cried the mage. "Let- Let me do it! I can use my magic to move it without touching it! I'm scared of what that thing will do to you if you touch it!"

"I don't see why you're so scared of it," said the paladin. "It's weird, sure, really weird, but it doesn't seem dangerous."

The mage didn't respond. She gripped the elements in her magic and lifted it into the air, half expecting them to implode. They did not do so.

She positioned the three rods over the holes in the wall and inserted them. They fit perfectly.

"Oh, thank goodness I don't have to look at that thing anymore," she said to herself.

When she started to release it, it began to pop out of place, just like before. She quickly shoved it back in.

"Hmm..."

She rotated the impossible trident and the circular chunk of wall around the three holes began to spin with it. It rotated ninety degrees before there was a clicking noise and it would move no further.

The mage carefully released her grasp on the elements. They stayed put.

"Um, you might want to look at this," said the paladin.

The mage and rogue turned around and saw that there was now a stream of strand pouring into the room from a hole in the ceiling.

"Perfect, just perfect!" cried the rogue. "I told you it was a trap! Quickly, help me figure out how to barricade it!"

"Wait!" said the mage. "It's stopped! And look! It's all clumping together and moving on it's own! It's almost as if... It's forming something..."

The ponies all watched in awe as the sand gathered together and stood up, taking form. Within seconds, they were face to face with a sand replica of Discord.

"You have got to be kidding me!" cried Sweetie Belle. "Seriously?"

"Seriously!" assured Discord.

"But weren't ya trapped in a statue at this point?" asked Apple Bloom.

"Yes, I was. I wasn't there in the flesh. Now, let me finish!"

"Ohhhhh, you have no idea how good it feels to get out and just streeeeeetch!" said the sand-Discord as it stretched it's limbs out in all directions.

"Who- and what, are you!" cried the rogue.

"Nice to meet you too. You have the pleasure of speaking to the one and only Discord, lord of chaos! I suppose you four must be the bearers of the elements of chivalry."

He stopped and looked around, assuming it was possible for him to look without eye balls.

"I was rather under the impression that there would be more of you," Discord remarked.

"More of us?" said the mage in confusion.

"Aren't there supposed to be thousands of ponies living up here?"

"Oh!" cried the mage. "You mean the legend! I'm afraid that there have been... complications..."

"What sort of complications?"

"Crom," said the rogue in disgust. "He stopped us from destroying the liches and banished us to... wherever this place is."

"I see," mused Discord. "Well, this won't do. No, not at all. The prophecy failed to be fulfilled, yet here you are. What do we do now?"

"Excuse me, Mister Discord?" said the paladin.

"Just Discord will do," answered the draconequus shaped sand clump.

"I mean no offense, but... I was expecting somepony else."

"Princess Celestia?"

"Yes."

"She's busy," said Discord simply. "You get me instead."

"Oh."

"So," said the mage. "What can we do? We're trapped down here and there is no way out!"

"That's the thing," said Discord. "You four already fulfilled your end of the bargain. The fact that everything didn't go according to plan isn't your fault. Technically, I believe you still qualify for a moving to Equestria, if you want."

"We do?" cried the rogue. "But how are we going to get there from here?"

"I can use my power to take you there, of course!" answered Discord.

"You can?"

"Yep."

"Are we alright with this?" asked the rogue, turning to her fellow ponies. "It's either this or we remain trapped here forever."

"Are you kidding?" cried the paladin. "Of course I'm alright with this! This is what my order has dreamed of for generations!"

"But how do we know we can trust him?" asked the mage, pointing toward Discord.

"You don't have a way of knowing," answered Discord. "But it's not as though you have much of a choice."

The mage sighed. "You're right. Alright, I'm in."

"What about you, Miss Hooves?" asked the rogue. "Are you okay with this?"

"Yes," answered the pegasus. "I just want to have a chance to start over and forget about this violent place. If there's anywhere where I can have that, it surely is in Equestria."

"Perfect!" cried Discord. "Unfortunately, there is one order of business that we must attend to before I send you on your way. Although the four of you have already proven that you are worthy of the elements of chivalry..."

The ponies exchanged uncertain glances with one another.

"I'm not entirely sure about that," muttered the mage.

"We must ensure that you are indeed fit for life in Equestria," Discord finished. "Not that I personally care, but I don't get out very much these days and I'd like to make sure that I stay out for as long as possible."

"So how do you determine whether we are fit to return to Equestria?" asked the Rogue.

Discord snapped and the ends of his claws exploded into specks of sand.

"That's different," he remarked, looking at his claw before shrugging and pulling himself back together.

"Now then," he continued. "You will see that I have summoned a scale."

"It's a see-saw," said the paladin in confusion. "With a... weird creature sitting on one side."

"Exactly," said Discord. "This scale is a simple test of selflessness! If you are less selfish than that shellfish, then you pass. It's really not that hard."

"Less selfish than a what?"

"Shellfish," repeated Discord. "Now, who's going first?"

The rogue volunteered first. She climbed onto the see-saw and it didn't move.

"You pass," declared Discord. "Next!"

"Miss Hooves, why don't you go next?" suggested the rogue. "If I passed, then it is not possible that you don't."

The see-saw didn't budge for her either.

"Next!"

The paladin also passed.

"Next!"

The mage climbed onto the see-saw and it immediately plummeted to the ground.

"Uh oh..." said Brother Biceps.

The mage panicked and quickly thought up a course of action.

"Discord, I was wondering..."

She took off her starry purple hat and pulled something out of it.

"Would you possibly care for a cookie?"

"A cookie?" cried Discord in delight. He snatched it and held it up to his mouth, but then stopped.

"This isn't a raisin cookie, is it?" he asked suspiciously.

"Um, no? It's chocolate chip."

"Good, good!" said Discord in delight and he threw the cookie into his mouth. The cookie broke into pieces and sank into the sand composing Discord's body.

"If you had given me a raisin cookie then you would be stuck here forever," continued Discord. "However, you gave me a chocolate chip cookie instead! How selfless of you!"

Suddenly the end of the see-saw rose up again, leaving the mage sitting above the expressionless shellfish.

"I didn't know that you mages could conjure up cookies!" said the paladin.

"Well, actually," responded the mage, "I was just keeping it under my hat."

"I know! Why didn't you tell me!"

The mage coughed and turned to Discord.

"Well, now that that is over with, can we please leave this terrible prison?"

"Alrighty then," answered Discord. "Hold onto your heads!"

He snapped and a strange tube machine appeared in his hands.

"What is that?" asked the rogue.

"It's a vacuum cleaner," answered Discord. "Say hello to Celestia for me if you get the chance."

Discord turned the machine on and collapsed in a sandy heap. The vacuum instant began sucking up all of the air in the room and everything in it. Somehow, all four ponies got pulled inside, as well as all of the sand. Once there was nothing left to suck up, the vacuum head turned on itself and sucked up its other end. More and more of it disappeared into nothingness until only the head of the vacuum was left, and then it disappeared too.

"And then," said Discord, "All four ponies were ejected out of thin air around my statue in Canterlot Castle's royal garden, as well as a heap of sand, much to the confusion of the gardener later that day. The four ponies went on to acclimatize themselves to life in Equestria and have lived happily ever after ever since. Mostly.

"The end!"

None of the Crusaders said anything for a moment.

"Wait a minute!" cried Scootaloo. "That's the end?"

"That's it!" said Discord. "True story. Every word."

"That can't be all! What about all of those poor ponies back on the other planet!"

"Oh, of course!" said Discord. "I almost forgot! Although they still live there to this day, who knows? Maybe one day the elements of chivalry will once again reveal themselves to four worthy ponies and they will succeed in the task that our heroes were not able to finish! But do not grieve for them, for they still yet enjoy their lives, even as dangerous as it is.

"And that," finished Discord, "is all the time I have. I have places to be now. Thank you for listening, though! You wouldn't believe how often ponies don't let me finish my stories!"

"It certainly was... intrestin'," said Apple Bloom.

"I'll see you three around!" said Discord cheerfully. He snapped his claw and vanished.

"So..." said Scootaloo slowly. "Biggest pack of lies ever."

"Yeah," agreed Sweetie Belle. "I hope he has more of them to tell us later."