You're a Meal to Me
Today was rough, and tomorrow doesn't promise to be any better. You sink into bed ready for sleep and decide to read some pony fiction first. After reading several short stories for far too long, you not off to sleep without realizing it; still in your clothing.
You awaken, groggily to something licking your left side. It continues as you use your arm to push it away. Assuming it is a dream as the tongue continues, unabated, you try slapping it. This action is rewarded by you hurting your hand on a rounded point, but the owner of the tongue cries out and stomps your side with its forehooves.
Just as her hooves hit, your eyes snap open as you sit up. You're in a strange bed with tan covers. The bedroom walls are a crimson color with ensconced lighting. And there is a small mint colored unicorn on the bed beside you. She smiles, her bright yellow eyes looking expectantly at you. As you notice her bi-colored green mane and harp image on her flank you realize this is Lyra.
Lost as to where you are, or more precisely, how you got there; you wonder if this is a dream. Before you pinch yourself, you remember feeling pain as you hit Lyra's horn, and the hoof prints on your side also attests to this not being a dream. As you look around the room you notice another pony reading a book in the corner. Her coat is tan and her mane is done in pink-and-blue curls. That must be Bon-Bon you think to yourself.
The book Bon-Bon has is rather large. You focus on the title, just barely able to make out the word “Anthropophagy”. As you try to remember the meaning of that word Lyra begins licking you again. The sensation is ticklish, but not unpleasant as the licking turns to nibbling. You tense up as you remember reading that word in a rather strange fanfiction. It roughly translates to 'eating human flesh'.
Game, that is all you are to them you realize. Panicking, but trying to seem calm and ignorant (human) you look around slowly for an escape. The adjacent wall has a photo of Lyra and Bonnie on it wearing bibs. It also has a door that leads to a bathroom, plus you'd have to pass both ponies just to lock yourself in there. The words “here's Bonnie” flash through your mind and cause you to reject that idea.
To your left is a solid wall, but the right wall has a door leading out. With just one chance you ball your left fist to strike. Punching with all of your energy you connect under Lyra's jaw, surprising her. You turn your back feet to her and kick her off the bed as you jump off. As Lyra falls off the bed with a shout, you grab the bed covers and toss them toward Bon-Bon.
This success is short lived as Bonnie ignores you and the covers glow green. The covers slam into you. While they don't hurt, something about their weight makes you feel weaker. Lyra jumps upon the bed and levitates a knife from the nightstand drawer. If only you knew that was on your right this whole time; hindsight’s a female dog.
Thinking quickly, you lunge toward Lyra and grab her by the scruff of the neck. Good thing she is the size of a medium dog and adrenaline is coursing through your veins. As you throw her toward the far wall her knife sails after her. She hits the wall with a denting thud and the knife impales the wall inches away. While she is falling you curse your poor luck and aim; turning to run from whatever Bonnie is about to do.
Upon exiting the bedroom you realize you're on the second floor. There are stairs down on your left and the hall leads to an attic access and other rooms ahead. You leap down the stairs expecting an exit but find a floral-print wall and a long carpet. To your right leads to the kitchen while the left leads to a bathroom. Making for the bathroom you ignore the floor scuffs, chair to your right, and the strange outward-facing door of the bathroom. Most doors open into a room, not outward. You notice the door doesn’t have a lock as you slam it behind you.
The bathroom is rather large, and doubles as the laundry room. Your eyes dart around frantically taking in the extra-large shower and smaller then average appliances. Under the dryer is a small hatch, just big enough for you to squeeze through.
Flinging the appliance away you rip the hatch open and peer inside. Getting down on the floor you peer around and locate a possible exit. It is rather dusty and cramped under there as you lower yourself down into the crawlspace. Before you are halfway in the bathroom door swings open revealing Lyra.
Lyra uses her magic to roughly yank you from your escape route. She flings you into the showers and turns the hot water to full blast. Within minutes you are assaulted by scalding water. After seconds of agony being held down the mint unicorn switches to cold. She holds you there for several minutes until you begin shivering. You are then cast against the wall, sopping wet.
It is difficult to move in your soaked clothing and Lyra is stalking toward you. Taking your shirt off quickly you grab adjacent corners and start spinning the cloth. Grinning you snap Lyra in the muzzle with the wet cloth. As she rears back you quickly put the shirt on her and wrap her in it. You carry her toward the hatch and drop her into the crawl space. Slamming the door shut you stack the dryer on it to keep her contained.
After containing the homicidal horse you notice how heavy your remaining clothing is. Running in them would be too obnoxious, so you shuck the remaining clothing and put it on the dryer for added weight. You wonder why Bonnie hasn't bucked you up yet as you head for the door. There under the stairs you spy the house's exit with another carpet in front of it; hindsight, eh? The fact that there have been no windows lingers at the back of your mind.
Shutting the bathroom door and wedging the chair underneath, you are thankful for it's strange way of opening outward. You quickly make your way to the door and easily open the aperture to freedom. A brick wall faces you and nearly causes you to collapse from despair and exhaustion. Looking to your left you notice the kitchen and decide to find some weapons. A manic grin creeps across your face as you consider this was your destination anyway.
The first thing you notice upon turning into the kitchen/dining area is a rather weighty skillet hanging on the wall. It would be perfect for smashing bricks, or ponies. Luxurious cast iron with a killing weight graces your hands. There may be better weapons in the world, but this feel sexy.
Returning to the brick wall you start working on it with the skillet. Each strike cracks the bricks and resounds through the house. Hopefully the sound will frighten your captors. Hearing hoof-steps dashing down the stairs dash that hope. Bon-Bon appears on your left, fire in the mare's eyes. You dodge as she charges and bucks at you.
Her bucking hits the brick wall causing many bricks to explode. Looking at the damage that could have been you, you notice reinforcing steel bars running through the bricks. Even if you had a week to work, getting through that wall would be impossible without better tools. Picking yourself up you face-off with Bonnie. She charges as you put all your weight into the follow through with the skillet.
The metallic report from her skull is music to your ears, and seeing her bounce off the wall just heightens your spirits. Bonnie lays limp on the floor as the chair holding the bathroom shut flies across the room like an ill eagle. Lyra jumps out with her horn glowing. You charge like a viking berserker and your nakedness shocks the minty pony. Too late she recovers from your stark nakedness as you play your iron instrument upside her head.
You breath heavily, ecstatic at the prone ponies littering the room. Quickly you drag each to a nearby carpet and roll them up. Unsure of your options you remember the attic access. Running upstairs with the skillet in hand you pull down the ladder to the attic and ascend. The heat up there is stifling to your bare skin and a macabre scene greets you, but at least the walls are wood.
All around the attic are 'trophies' from what are previous meals. Shoes, belt buckles, bronzed bones, and leather assault your vision. Quickly becoming accustom to the bizarre sight, you pull the ladder up and wedge it closed with the skillet. You don't have much time to plan an escape before you sweat to death. Fortunately, there is a chainsaw in the corner and a window set in the triangular wall. They always put the windows in the last place you look.
Grabbing the chainsaw and heading to the window you try to start it. Mysteriously, something saps your resolve and prevents you from pulling the cord. Looking out the window you see desert all around, but also a town in the distance. If you could just get outside. A pane of glass has a slight minty sheen as sweat burns your eyes. Then you realize this house has been enchanted.
Your feet have been woefully under-protected this entire time. Everything in the house would be enchanted to ensure Lyra and Bonnie's safety as they made sport of you. Their reaction to being hit by the skillet, even the sound, could all be an act. To confirm your suspicions, the attic access starts rattling. Not about to give up, you spot a pair of loafers. You put them on hoping they can protect against the enchantments, and are not enchanted themselves. Even if they don’t fit right, it is better than nothing.
The plan works and you feel invigorated. Thinking only of escape, you rev the chainsaw and cut a hole into the wall near the window. As you kick the wood away you step out and see a ten-foot iron fence before you. The enchantment on the window must have obscured that. Blasted magical pony technology. Adrenaline still in your veins, you drop the chainsaw and scale the hot fence.
The heat is burning to your sweaty hands and the uncomfortable loafers are not helping. Redoubling your efforts you fling yourself over the fence just as the attic floor explodes. Surprised, you drop about twenty feet onto something springy. Looking around you notice two things. The first floor of the house seems to be buried under the sand; making escape from there nearly impossible. Second, there is a beige mattress under you. You begin to suspect this was all planned from the beginning as you jump up and bolt for the town.
After about twenty feet you slam into a wall. Looking around, confused and in pain, you notice it was all just a mural on a wall. Enchantments on the wall make the whole thing seem real until it is too late. Thinking about it, every weapon must be enchanted in that house. Otherwise the chainsaw would have made quick work of the ponies. It doesn't matter, you are protected by the loafers of magic resistance and you have two fists of pony slaying. You are going down fighting.
As you charge toward the house you wonder how you'll get back in. Conveniently there is a trellis on the side of the house you escaped from. Looking up at Lyra you see her levitating the skillet. Even if the throws it, you'll just dodge. Your only concerns are chainsaws and knives, but maybe you'll get lucky with your next throw. The skillet beside Lyra disappears. You briefly wonder why that could harrgable.
Thoughts in your mind become interrupted as the increasingly intrusive iron instrument imposingly impairs your intellect through impalement. As you try to collect your thoughts, your senses become blurred. You could swear you smelled sulfur. As the hallucinations increase you begin to hear a cacophony of wailing and teeth grinding. A burning sensation spreads throughout your body, permeating every cell. Wondering if you are being cooked yet, or if the cookware in your head is causing this, you wait for what seems an eternity for death's release. It never comes.
After Dinner Mints
Five ponies sit around a table with various delicacies upon it. A white alicorn, Celestia, sits at one end while a minty unicorn, Lyra, sits at the other. Lyra’s earth pony friend, Bon-Bon, sits besides her. Celestia is flanked by a purple alicorn on her left and an indigo alicorn on her right, Twilight and Luna respectively.
“Thank you for inviting us, Lyra. I’ve never had such tasty food before” Twilight chirped.
“Oh, no problem, I enjoy cooking and wish to share my talent with others.” Lyra responds.
“You have really outdone yourself” Bonny praises her friend’s culinary expertise.
“Indeed.” Luna agrees between bites. “Will thou make a toast?”
Lyra stands and proceeds to hum a few bars.
“Human beings salivate me, tasting just the way they are.
Tell me, little pony, do you eat buffet, or ala cart?
Lyre is my instrument, but humans sear in sweet butter.
It's a meal to me, Anthropophagy!
Finger food from tiny noses, browning meat and tanning skin.
Would it be too much to ask to eat the world they're living in?
Everypony tells me that it's old and fake recipes.
It's a meal to me, Anthropophagy!
Aren't you bored of Brussels sprouts? Eating just hay with your Hoooooooves?
I don't mean to butt in or gloat. But human nature proooves-
humans don't eat well or healthy.
They just fatten up! They don't care!
All they get is indigestion- new antacids everywhere!
Babies, children, teens, and elders, they eat to cover their despair.
It's a meal to me, Anthropophagy!
Albert Einstein, Cleopatra, William Shakespeare, Elton John,
Michael Phelps, Barack Obama, who's to say that they can't be nommed?
Maybe humans like us too and eat like us at Comic-Con!
It's a meal to me, Anthropophagy!
Yeah, they don't care if others starve.
Nobody's perfect, you see!
Still, I say I'm born with the rights to eat whatever I pleeeaaase!
I don't need to horse around now.
I will eat your human leg!
I would use my magic powers hunting them as they beg!
Grab your camera! Come on! Zoom in!
'Cause your favorite mare's eating human!
You! That is who I'll eat!
Anthropophagy! Shhhhhh...”
Everypony at the table applauds Lyra’s song. Celestia asks to be excused and gets up.
“I have business to attend to, but thank you for the meal, My Little Ponies.”
