Author's Note
This story is not meant to be taken seriously.
Let me know what you think in the comments.
Victory Will Be YOURS!
It has been a year since you arrived in Equestria and things have gone well. You remember the day you arrived and what followed. The day you appeared in Equestria started out like any normal day. You had visited the great city of York. Because it's an irrefutable fact that York is a far better city than London. You had an awesome day out in York, you went specifically to have tea at Betty's Tea Room. You had an excellent cup of tea and later in the day when you was driving home in your Jaguar XJR, with the 5L V8 engine, a rift opened up causing you to drive into it.
You appeared out of the other end in what appeared to be a city made of crystals. You slowed your speed and drove slowly down the street. It was dark and there was no-one to be seen. You continued to drive down the street when you saw something drop into view in front of the car.
It was an orange horse with wings. It moved to your side of the car (the right hand side) and pointed a spear at you which caused you to laugh. Was that meant to intimidate you?
You continued to laugh as it pointed a spear at you. This seemed to make him angry and he jabbed your Jaguar with his spear.
This made you very miffed.
"Hey don't jab my Jag. If you want to jab a car go and find a Peugeot."
The horse thing spoke, "GET OUT OF THE METAL BEAST YOU MONSTER!"
"BUGGER ME IT TALKS! I'M OUTTA HERE!"
You floor the accelerator, the awesome sound of a 5L V8 roared to life and you sped down the street, leaving that sack of Wotsits in a cloud of smoke. You sped down the street towards the big pointy crystal thing where you saw a group of more horse things. You slowed down to avoid running them over, mainly because you didn't want to damage your beloved Jaguar XJR with its 5L V8 beauty under the bonnet.
You came to a stop and switched off the engine. You were about to ask these other horse things for assistance when Wotsit flew into you knocking you to the ground. He called over to the others and ordered them to take you to the dungeons.
A few minutes later you were manacled to the dungeon wall of a cell were you awaited the arrival of Princess Cadance.
Apparently you were in big trouble.
Quite what you did you don't know.
It was about half an hour before Cadence arrived.
You didn't expect a candyfloss pink horse thingy to determine your fate.
She asked you what happened so you told her what had transpired. She seemed to believe you and released you at once. It turns out Wotsit is actually Captain Flash Sentry, Captain of the Royal Crystal Guard.
She informed you he is new to the role and has a tendency to be over-zealous in his duties.
She told you she repaired the damage to your 'metal carriage' and that it was being held in a secure location.
You told her what it was and it was not a anger to anyone. She said she would have it returned to you and it would be waiting in the Royal Carriage Bay.
She invited you for dinner with her husband Shining Armour. He was very suspicious of you at first but when you told him you were an ex-military officer he warmed up to you. At that revelation you were offered a position in the Crystal Guard. You accepted. It would give you something to do while Cadence searched for a way to get you home.
You were fitted with some Crystal Armour the next day and appointed the rank of Lieutenant. You were second in command to Colonel Iron Clad. He oversaw security of the City. Captain Wotsit only oversaw security of the Palace.
Fast forward one year and things have changed slightly. After eight months you were reassigned to the Royal Crystal Guard and promoted to Captain of the Crystal Day Guard. It was nice to have your old rank back. Captain Wotsit of the Night Guard was in a grumpy mood at your reassignment because it meant changing his sleep cycle due to the newly formed Day and Night Guards. Wotsit was the only one who had a problem with it.
A newly created position had become available. And many guards applied for it, including yourself and Wotsit. That position was the 'Snuggle Officer'. The Snuggle Officer would be at Cadence's side during the course of his duties and provide hugs and cuddles when required. Oh and if the Princess requested it, he would have to snuggle with her in bed.
You wanted this position. Princess Candyfloss was your favourite Princess. She gave you moral and emotional support when Princess Celestia informed you there was no way to return you to your world. She gave you Crystal Empire citizenship and protection from the nobles who wanted to put you in a zoo.
You were going to be the Snuggle Officer and no one, not even Wotsit would stop you.
The day came when the selection would be made. The tests were gruelling and challenging that would test the mental and physical resolve of any who took part. Tests included, but where not limited to: snuggling, hugging, cuddling (apparently they're different things), giving massages, saying nice things, brushing a mane and tail and so on.
It eventually came down to the last dozen, which included you and Wotsit. You were all waiting with baited breath.
Cadence walked into the room and stood on front of you all.
This was it. The moment of truth.
"The one of you that will become Snuggle Officer is...."
Come on, Come on.
"Flash Sentry."
A round of cheers went around the room. Wotsit looked at you with a smug grin so smug you wanted to punch him in the face right there. You had to think fast if you were to salvage the situation.
You knew a dark secret of Wotsit.
One that will end any chance of him being Snuggle Officer.
"FLASH SENTRY DOESN'T LIKE THE COLOUR PINK!"
Everyone looked at you. Wotsit looked worried.
Very worried.
Cadence narrowed her eyes and stormed over to Wotsit.
"Flash Sentry is this true?"
Wotsit babbled out incoherent utterances before sighing and bowing his head.
"Yes it's true."
Cadence frowned, "Flash Sentry I am shocked and appalled. Get out of this room at once!"
Wotsit trudged out of the room, head bowed and tail drooping between his hind legs.
After he left Cadence walked back to the podium and spoke up.
"In light of what's just happened, I think it appropriate that I select a new Snuggle Officer."
She called your name and ordered you to the front.
This could either go really bad or really good.
"As a mark of gratitude in identifying a treacherous anti-pink traitor, I hereby appoint you to the position of Snuggle Officer."
YOU DID IT! YOU ACTUALLY DID IT! SCREW THAT SACK OF WOTSITS AND HIS STUPID BLUE MANE!
You were so jubilant about your new position you picked up Cadence and ran through the corridors and out of the Crystal Palace, and towards the nearest ice cream parlour. You ordered two large ice creams and spent the rest of the day eating ice-cream and snuggling Candyfloss. You told her your nickname for her, she liked it.
A few days afterwards you took up residence in the main palace and was appointed the rank of Major. It got even better when Wotsit had to request a transfer from you. Being the kind person you are, you granted it and he became the Captain of Twilights' Friendship Guards.
According to Cadence Twilight had a thing for him. Quite what she saw in him completely eluded you.
Anyway, he doesn't matter. What does matter is the candyfloss pink pony that you have snuggled up next to in bed. You are both reading a Starswirl the Bearded chronicle, whilst eating cake, ice-cream and drinking milkshakes. Shining doesn't mind, in fact, sometimes he snuggles up to you as well. Apparently you have a warm body that's nice to rest on.
Life is good at times.
