Derpy Hooves Partakes In a Welcoming

by Morphix

Rating: teen
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, Doctor Whooves, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2266

This is Derpy Hooves, eccentric Pegasus, wall-eyed filly, and self-proclaimed 'Welcomer Pony.' Ponies have been found, victims selected, and Derpy Hooves is now on the prowl for the 'fresh-meat,' as it were. Too bad she gave up.

In Derpy Hooves early life, not much is known about the small Pegasus filly, nothing besides the aftermath of her lovable acts, and the fact that she one day showed up out of nowhere as one of the newly accepted foals of the Ponyville Orphanage. In this story, we explore one of the very first exploits Derpy began on her valiant quest to welcome the enigmatic Pinkie Pie!

Until she gave up and switched targets-uhm, ponies.

Published 2016-04-30 01:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-30 01:10:01 UTC

Victim..... One?

“Unit 2, come in Unit 2, this is Unit 1 at point Bravo, what is your status, over.”

“...Why are we trying to stalk the new pony around town, Derpy?”

“Unit 2, this is Unit 1, come in Unit 2, what is your status?”

“Oh my god, you’re suppose to be older than me.”

“Technically, I still am older than you, no matter my maturity levels. Erm, I mean, Unit 2, repeat status.”

“Unit 2, reporting status; Derpy is a dumbass.”

“Well fine then, Unit 2, you are dismissed to headquarters, leave the transmitter and receiver in my quarters.”

“Yeah, whatever, see you at dinner.”

Grumbling angrily, ‘Unit 1’ shoved the headset into her saddlebags, snorting as she left the clearing, blonde tail swishing to and fro in irritation at the betrayal of her own roommate.

Grey hooves pounded into the ground, every step leaving an indentation at the vigor in which she done so. With amber eyes darkened with annoyance, exiting the Ponyville park as she ventured towards Sugarcube Corner.

Seeing as the Cakes had added a new member to their little baking gang, Derpy wanted to pay them a visit, as a way of saying ‘Welcome to Ponyville,’ she wanted to be one of the first ponies to meet them- no wait, she would be the first one!

Besides the Cake family, anyway.

Trotting slowly escalated into manic galloping as she tore her way through the (admittedly meager) amount of ponies on the street and into her target location, little legs moving erratically as she thought to control her breathing.

So… close. FREEDOM, I CAN TASTE IT.

Halting her hooves in an attempt to stop, Derpy skid against the ground rather painfully before her hooves made contact with the door step, resulting in her tipping over and launching through the door, face smashing into the ground as she slowed to a stop near the front counter.

Casting her gaze upwards, she locked stares with Mr. Cake, no doubt wondering how she was able to trip through the door. Derpy grinned sheepishly, chest still heaving in an attempt to recover her breath, words leaving her mouth in a jumbled mess.

“New pony… Cake.. Baker… PARTY!”

Mr. Cake’s brows disappeared into his mane as he finally understood the implications of the sentence from the seemingly dying filly. Snorting in amusement, he moved around the counter to help Derpy to her hooves before guiding her towards one of the stools, “Oh, you mean Pinkie Pie! Yes, well, she’s out right now, getting acquainted with students back at the school-house, speaking of which, shouldn’t you be there?”

Derpy puffed out her cheeks stubbornly, “It’s my birthday! The caretaker let me have a day off today to celebrate it since I won’t be able to have a party this year!”

“Again? Didn’t they say last year that they would throw you a party this year?”

Shrugging dismissively, if a bit disheveled, Derpy replied happily, “Yeah, they did, but they’ve got enough on their hooves right now, they promised to make my favourite food for dinner though, that way I can share it with the rest of the kids!”

“Well, alright. Oh, Derpy, did you know about the other new kid that came to Ponyville?” Mr. Cake gave a small grin as he observed her rapid change in emotions; sad, to happy, to dismissive, to shock and then she was out the door, eyes wide as an excited squeal exited her mouth-

Wait, what.

“Derpy, get back here! You don’t even know where he is! Derpy! Ditzy Doo!”

Mr. Cake grumbled as he adjusted the door back onto its hinges. Or at least tried to, the door immediately fell forwards, spraying dust and dirt onto the baker as his eyelids lowered in acceptance at the strange occurrence.

“Oh Derpy, I nearly forgot about your reality-defying actions. You would get along well with Pinkie Pie, I’m sure.”

Derpy galloped around town enthusiastically, a grin adorning her features despite the harsh breaths she took in. After another hour of endless trotting and pacing and the occasional accident involving cabbages and carts, Derpy’s gait slowed to a halt as she panted heavily.

Wings flapping feebly in an attempt to fan off her body, she moved towards a nearby beverage dispenser, flopping against it dramatically as the cool metal touched her fur in a relaxing manner. Her misaligned eyes stared at the controls blankly, such a device was one of the first of it’s kind in Ponyville, their budgets only being able to produce two of such machines. Supposedly, you use the numbers on the side to match the code for the beverage you wanted, when (after paying for it) the can would fall down into a little slot at the bottom.

Of course, Derpy didn’t know that as she pressed against it aggressively in order to make it give her more of that cold, beautiful reprieve.

This action was made after she crashed her hooves into the number-pad off to the right, flapping her limbs in an act of exasperation as she simply bashed her head into the face of the machination from Tartarus in frustration.

“You… You… Demon! Seccubus! Temptress! I don’t know, more bad words from the dictionary! Cool me down, damn it!”

“Blossomfall, why is she trying to assault the vending machine?”

“I have no idea, Time Turner. Maybe she needs help?” The beige mare turned towards a light brown colt, her curly mahogany hair sweeping to the side with splendor, ocean-blue eyes turned downwards to look into Time Turner’s own, similar blue eyes, his spiky dark brown hair ruffled as she scuffed it playfully with a hoof.

“Alright fine, she looks like she’s been stampeded on.” Time Tuner trotted towards her confidently, the grey-coated asylum escapee’s manic strikes reduced to weak taps as she slumped against it pathetically.

Brow raised inquisitively, he poked the grey pile of fur tentatively, snorting in amusement as she grunted in response, hoof twitching from the spot it was prompt up against, squeezed between the dispenser’s front surface and the filly’s face.

“Miss, you’re in the way of the vending machine. Or lover. Depending on the pony’s point of view right now.” Ignoring Blossomfall’s soft giggle, he focused on the strange pony in front of him as she rolled over with a groan, slipping off the machine and falling to the ground roughly.

Kind of like a suffocating fish.

Time Turner rolled his eyes as a muffled response filled the air, turning towards the machine and slipping a bit into the bit-slot. Flicking his ear dismissively as the groaning turned louder, he entered the appropriate pin-code for a bottle of spring-water and waited as the beverage descended into the receptor near the bottom of the machine.

After gripping the bottle with his hoof, he trotted over to the downtrodden filly, whom had relented her initial groaning and lay there in exhaustion. After Time Turner tapped her shoulder a couple times, she rolled over again, eyes staring blankly at him before he waved the water-bottle in her face.

Squealing loudly, Derpy threw her body forward with the intention of hugging him to death, a wide grin on her face as her eyes sparkled in what she hoped was an adorable manner.

To Time Turner, she looked like a manic vampire.

Briefly reflecting on his life choices, he quickly revised what he had learnt in his, uh, extra-curricular activities, Time Turner thrusted out his hoof, gripping Derpy’s outstretched limb and throwing her to the ground, quickly pinning her down with a hoof placed securely on her throat.

Derpy looked into his eyes questioningly, brow raised as her mouth scrunched up, “I know I saved the Autobots that one time back on Cybertron, but I don’t think you’re a techno-organic. Which means you have no way of knowing of that. Which means I don’t know why you’re on top of me. Which means I should probably scream assault. Pity.”

Inhaling deeply, she scrunched her eyes shut as she prepared to scream so loudly that it would surely deafen her foe. That is, before he stuffed his hoof in her mouth. Raising her brow even further, she attempted to talk around his hoof, “Oonicwon, ish thwat ‘oo?”

Slowly working his poker face on, Time Turner snarked back in response, “Soo, do I have to worry about insanity as well as assault?” Derpy blinked back blankly, her brow lowering to it’s normal spot before she carefully wrenched her hoof out from under his, pushing away the obstruction currently in her mouth. Reaching forward with her hoof slowly, Time Turner attempted to track its movement with his eyes, resulting in a rather ridiculous face as his eyes inevitably crossed.

Closer.

Closeeer.

Closeeeeeeer.

Boop.

Time Turner screamed loudly as he leapt off her, slamming head-first into the vending machine in his panic to escape this strange, oh-so-very strange, filly. Tilting her head to the side as she got up, she watched with unimpressed honey eyes as the colt proceeded to throw himself behind the full-grown mare, Blossomfall, was it?

“Is he mentally retarded?”

The mare looked at her in alarm, retorting sharply in a defensive manner at the sudden and very much unexpected question from the seemingly socially-inept filly, “No he isn’t, what makes you think that? And how do you even know those words?”

Derpy smiled happily, lifting herself into a standing position as she began to trot towards Blossomfall enthusiastically, “I know those words because people say those words around me a lot! I like learning new words, but no one will tell me what it means, so I just go by the context they say them in!”

Pursing her lips together, Blossomfall looked away at the unexpected explanation. Letting out a soft sigh, she turned towards the filly with a warm smile as sudden mirth entered her eyes, “Well, I’m Blossomfall-”

“I know.”

“Uh, should I be worried?”

“I don’t think so, that colt over there said your name, and his name is Time Turner because that’s what you called him!” Derpy started swaying backwards and forwards on her hooves as she grew impatient for the beige pony to formulate a response to her rather eccentric ‘introduction.’

“Uh, right. You know our names, so what’s yours- Oh Time Turner, get out from behind me and stop whimpering, she isn’t that scary!”

“But Blossooooom, she started talking gibberish about… I don’t even know what she was talking about!”

“Hush, now stop being a wimp.”

“Fiiine.” Rising rather shakily onto his legs, he moved around his caretaker and towards the eccentric filly she was conversing with. Observing quietly, he took note of her swaying and strange eyes; amber orbs that seemed to point in opposite directions in an (admittedly) complementary fashion.

“My name is Derpy Hooves! I think it is, anyway, I was suppose to be called Unit 1 by my friend before she ditched me, but then I’m called Nova Prime by someone else, but then someone else told me my name was Ditzy Doo! I like Ditzy Doo, it’s nice, I don’t know about Derpy Hooves, oooh, one time someone called me a Blight, that’s a name, right?”

Exchanging stares as Derpy rattled on about the various titles she had received over the years, Time Turner whispered to Blossomfall, “What’s wrong with her, I don’t think this is a normal reaction to a simple question.”

Sighing softly, she answered with a monotone voice, her eyes still taking in the scene before her; blankly, “Schizophrenia disorder. That’s what I believe, anyway. Those professors at your old school that told your class about mental illnesses for health and safety? No doubt they touched a little on it, what they probably didn’t mention is that it’s not only having voices whisper to you, or multiple personalities that seem to take over. It comes with a full package; delusions, disorganized speech and behaviour. I’m surprised she’s out here, really.”

“You think an accident occurred while in one of those ‘delusions’ that caused her eyes to go like that, don’t you?” Blossomfall smiled sadly, her hoof messing his mane up yet again despite his resistance, replying quietly as the relentless filly before them started to quieten down, “You always were too smart.”

Derpy leaned on her front hooves, her eyes resting on the two ponies in front of her separately, unsettling them to the core as they realized the on-point truth of the suddenly very appropriate saying of 'always watching.'

“You know, I was suppose to meet a new pony around here. Well, not here-here, around here, here being Ponyville. I was going to welcome them to the town with a big smile and a hug, but I never found them-”

She cut herself off, eyes seeming to zone in on their faces as Derpy made a noise of realization, “Heeey, I’ve never seen you guys here before! And I see a lot of people! Are you two the new ponies Mr. Cake was talking about?”

Author's Note

Whipping this up late at night, it's 2:20AM.

'am tired.

You've probably discovered this already, but my views on how Time Turner and Derpy Hooves act is very... unique, to say the least, Time Turner is practically Puss in Boots, and Derpy is that lovable and oblivious dork that you can't help but dance with when Winter Wrap Up plays.

I'm tired, my gibberish language is going on and on.

Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed this and see ya'll later when it ain't in the AM tiiimes.