Teddy Valiant is on the case
The phone rang, knocking me out of my reminiscing and right back into the real world. I set my drink—Scotch and water—on my desk blotter and reached over to the old-fashioned landline telephone, picking up the receiver and cradling it between my ear and shoulder.
"Valiant and Valiant Detective Agency," I said. "You've got Ted, here."
"Hey, Teddy. You got your son working with you now?" asked the voice on the line, a voice I recognized.
"Hey, Jerry. Nah, he's still on the force. Kid needs a couple of years of experience before he's ready for the private eye gig."
"Oh..." he says slowly. "I figured, what with the name and all... I mean, if it's just you, wouldn't it only be one 'Valiant'?"
Tactful as always. "It's tradition, Jer," I said, picking my drink back up, rolling it around the bottom of the chipped glass tumbler. "Gotta have that name recognition."
"I suppose," Jerry said. There was a pause in the conversation, just long enough for me to gulp down the rest of my drink, giving me a pleasant burn in my gut. "I was real sorry to hear about your old man. Eddie was a good guy."
Not sorry enough to show up at the wake. Not even sorry enough to send flowers or a card, the skinflint. It stung a bit, but not as much as it might have at one time. "He was one of a kind," I agreed, wishing I had more Scotch and glad that I didn't. Dad had never allowed booze in the office when he was alive. I only ever drank it for one reason. "Today's the anniversary, actually. He passed two years ago, today."
"Oh, damn," Jerry said, sounding sincere enough. "Is this a bad time? I can call back... Well, actually, I can't. We really need you, Teddy."
"It's okay, Jerry. If I'm in the office, I'm working. What's up?"
"Well, we need you to find someone. One of our biggest stars has gone missing. No note, no ransom, nothing. Just here one day, gone the next."
"Damn," I said. "Who is it?"
"She's a Toon," Jerry said. "I don't know if you've heard of her. Her name is Twilight Sparkle."
~~*~~
The Hasbro lot was, relatively speaking, one of the newer lots on Hollywood. They'd contracted with Sunbow back in the 80's, making the type of cartoons that were designed to sell toys and employed a hell of a lot of Toons. Most of those Toons were out of work now, their shows long-gone and their toys piled up in landfills somewhere.
A few years ago, Hasbro got back into the game in a big way, introducing some new shows while revamping a few old ones. They had plenty of competition at the time. Old players like Warner Brothers, Disney, Maroon and Hanna-Barbara, and a few new upstarts like Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network. I didn't expect them to even last a year, but they surprised me. Hell, they surprised everyone.
The major cartoon studios were all clumped into the same few square miles, as close as possible to Toontown. For a cartoon studio in Los Angeles, proximity to Toontown was a sign of prestige. The general area was called Littletoon, short for "Little Toontown", by the locals. Not quite Toontown, not quite Los Angeles, but some sort of weird hybrid. I'd never admit it, but I kinda liked the place, warts and all.
There was no definite line to cross when you came into Littletoon. You'd just be driving along and suddenly you would see a Toon, then another, and eventually a small group of them. Then, suddenly, there are Toons everywhere. Toons walking down the street, Toons going in and out of stores, Toons with looks of desperation on their faces while holding up cardboard signs with "Will recite catch-phrase for simoleons" written in black Sharpie.
There's nothing sadder than an out-of-work Toon. The pure animals and the more human-looking ones could usually find work as extras in other cartoons, usually with just a little cosmetic touch-up. Most of the rest of 'em wised up eventually, giving up on dreams of fame and fortune to move back to Toontown. A few held on to dreams of being re-discovered or their shows being rebooted for a new audience. Hell, it worked for Lion-O and company, so who am I to tell 'em they're wrong?
I pulled up to the Hasbro security gate in my dented-up Camry. The car in front of me got waved through the gate and immediately transformed into a hulking robot on the other side, stalking away towards one of the studios. Transformers were damned lucky Toons, having steady work for most of the last thirty years or so. Some of them even got a CGI-makover for a couple of films which I didn't bother seeing.
Jerry's office was in a small block near studio B. It was tight, cramped and cluttered, and it lacked air-conditioning. It was the exact opposite of what you'd expect when you saw "Associate Producer" on the outside of the door, provided you'd never been inside a movie studio before. I knocked and opened the door when invited inside.
"Teddy!" Jerry said, getting up out of a rickety wooden chair that was older than him. "Oh, thank God you came!"
"Couldn't turn down a friend. Or a friend's money," I said, shaking the hand he proffered. Not many people called me "Teddy", at least not after Dad died. Jerry had earned the right to do so ten years back, when he'd gotten between me and a sauced-up and freshly unemployed Binky the Clown. Anyone who takes a pie in the face for me gets to use my nickname. "So, what's the background with this Twilight Sparkle character?"
"She's the star of our biggest show," Jerry said as he sat back down, his chair squeaking in protest. He slid a drawer open and pulled out a bottle of bourbon, jiggling it at me with a questioning look on his face. I pursed my lips and shook my head. Shrugging, he poured himself a fifth and downed it, giving a little shudder as the liquor burned its way down. "My Little Pony. Heard of it?"
"The little girl's show? I didn't think those types got much of an audience."
"Most don't. This one's different. A demographic-buster, pure gold. The type of show that gets the bigwigs drooling. Audience is all over the place." He grimaced. "That and Transformers is all that's keeping the studio afloat right now. More the ponies than the Transformers, if I'm honest."
I whistled in appreciation. "Dang. I can see why you're upset."
"Yeah..." Jerry sighed and pushed his hand through the thinning hair on top of his head. "We're on hiatus right now, but we don't have long before we start filming again. We need her back. Fans hate delays."
"Any clues what might have happened to her?"
"No. Like I said, no note, no ransom demands, nothing. Her trailer is just like it always is, and even her friends don't know where she's gone."
I rubbed my chin, grimacing at the stubble. I should have shaved that morning. "Anyone been in the trailer since she's gone missing?"
"Some staff. Her friends."
That was unwelcome news, though not surprising. Hopefully any evidence hadn't been too badly obscured by all the traffic. "Police been around?"
"Yeah, though the studio heads were against calling them. Didn't want any negative publicity. She's only been gone two days, though, and you know how cops are about missing Toon reports. Said they'd get out to us 'eventually'."
I shook my head and sighed. Common knowledge was that nothing could really hurt a Toon, so police usually assumed that, when one went missing, they were probably just somewhere in Toontown. At best, Toontown PD had received a note about the disappearance. Usually, they didn't even bother with the note.
Common knowledge was wrong, of course. There were ways to hurt a Toon. But Dad did his best to make sure the recipe for Dip died along with its creator, Judge Doom. Which meant that Twilight Sparkle was going to be okay. Probably.
"I'd like to see her trailer," I said. "I'd also like to interview her co-stars, and maybe some of the production staff."
"You got it," Jerry replied. He poured himself another drink and slammed it back. "Anything you need. Just find our missing pony."
~~*~~
It turned out that most of Twilight's friends were ponies, with one juvenile dragon thrown into the mix. I spoke with them all one at a time, and I have to say, I was surprised by what I discovered.
Most people, when they think of cartoon production, think that the Toons are pretty much like what they see on the screen. And, for the most part, they're right. Toons tend to play themselves, with very little acting required. But that doesn't stop them from having darker sides to their personality, a fact I discovered the hard way back during the Darla Dimple incident. Arrogance and diva complexes are just as big a problem for top-billing Toons as it is for human actors. So, one of my first thoughts before talking to Twilight's co-stars was that one of them had done something to remove the top-billed actress from the show in order to move up a space.
By the time I got done talking to all six of them, I knew that thought was wrong. I spoke to each of them individually, and all of them seemed genuinely concerned for their missing friend. I was pretty sure they weren't pretending. Toons aren't usually that good at lying.
Unfortunately, none of them had any idea what might have happened to their friend. No new boyfriends, no weird stalkers, nothing. With no leads from the friends, I turned to my next lead: her trailer.
You can tell a lot about a person by looking at the environment where they live. My first impression of Twilight's living space was simply books. Books in shelves, books on every flat surface, books piled up on the floor. Books stuffed under the bed and strewn across the top of it. Apparently, our missing actress had a thing for reading. I pulled on a pair of rubber gloves and got to work.
The trash can turned up with nothing worthwhile. The small writing desk had a stack of papers and a case that contained a stoppered inkwell and a set of quills, and not much else. No notes taped up anywhere, no receipts that might have indicated where she'd been. Her mini-fridge was empty, as was her cupboard, and her bathroom was completely empty except for a couple of purple feathers about as long as my hand.
So, nothing obvious. Which meant I'd have to do this the hard way and look for something a little less obvious. With a sigh, I took out my notepad and began listing the names of all the books scattered around, along with the location where I found them.
It was while I was moving one book, an atlas of the state of California, that I had my first break. One corner of a photograph was peeking out of the pages of the book, apparently placed there as an improvised bookmark. The photo showed Twilight Sparkle, grinning hugely at the camera while surrounded by her friends, the other Toon ponies crowded around her and smiling while the little purple-and-green dragon mugged at the camera from on top of Twilight's back.
I stared at the photo for a while with the feeling that something was wrong, but it took a good minute before I could place it. The Twilight in the photo was smaller than the photo I'd been provided. More importantly, she was missing her wings. At some point in the past, Twilight Sparkle had been re-drawn. And not just a minor update, either.
Growling under my breath, I made a mental note to chew out Jerry for not mentioning that little fact.
I remembered that empty bathroom. No shampoos, no brushes, no nothing, which had seemed a little weird at the time. I had figured maybe female pony Toons were different than females of other types. Now I figured that I'd figured wrong. The atlas page that the photo had bookmarked was detailing a little town called Tranquility, roughly halfway between L.A and San Francisco. I snapped a pic of the page with my phone and went back to my car.
~~*~~
Tranquility, according to a quick Google search, was a small town off the beaten path, close enough to Fresno that driving there wouldn't take too long, but far enough away that you'd get relative peace and quiet. There were a few bed and breakfasts, one three-star and one four-star hotel, and a few restaurants. A nice place to go if you wanted to get away from it all for a little while.
I found Twilight Sparkle sitting alone on a wooden bench in a park. She was wearing a sort of dull brown cape thing that did a good job of obscuring her body and a lousy job of hiding the fact that she wasn't human. A floppy straw hat and oversized sunglasses completed the look of someone who was trying to keep a low profile but had no idea how to pull it off. She stiffened up when I sat down on the bench next to her.
"Hi, Twilight Sparkle," I said. "My name is Ted Valiant."
She looked over at me, drawing her head back. For a few seconds, she just stared. When she spoke, it was with quiet resignation. "Ted Valiant? Of Valiant and Valiant detectives?"
"That's me," I said.
She sighed, her whole body sagging. "I guess you've come to take me back."
"Technically, I was just contracted to find you," I said. "Though, taking you back home is implied."
"I've heard of your father," she said. "Eddie Valiant? I always heard he was a Toon's greatest ally in the human world."
"Yeah. I grew up with more Toon aunts and uncles than I could count," I said. "I had a pretty interesting childhood."
She chuckled at that, then looked away, chewing her lower lip as she stared out across the park again.
"Something bugging you?" I asked, though I already had a good idea of what it was.
She didn't say anything for a while, and then it all spilled out of her in a rush. "I'm just a librarian, you know? It's how I was drawn. A librarian and a student."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. I love books. Always have. All I ever wanted to do was to read and learn. Well, that and hang out with my friends, now that I have some." She sighed again. "I never really asked for all of this."
"All of what?"
"This!" Her wings flared out from underneath her cloak. "I'm famous, now. I'm on one of the most popular TV shows currently on the air. I get fan letters, can you believe it? People write fanfiction about me. It's crazy! And it's more than I ever wanted. I mean, I'm happy most of the time, but..."
She trailed off, and I finished for her. "But it's more than you can handle, sometimes."
Another sigh. "Yeah. I just... I had to get away. Just for a bit. Clear my head, you know?"
I nodded. "I think I get it."
"Do you?" she asked. "I mean... I was never meant to be more than a bookworm. An awkward egghead, learning about friendship. And now, they decided to make me a princess. Didn't even ask, just 'hello, you're a princess now, here are some wings and a tiara!'" She glowered at the appendages. "Don't get me wrong. I like flying, but..."
"But they had to re-draw you to do it," I said.
She shuddered. "Yeah."
"That had to suck."
Twilight grimaced and shook her head. "I didn't have to let them. I could have just quit the job, I guess. But I was worried I wouldn't see my friends anymore if I left the show. And it shouldn't be that big of a deal. I mean, Toons get re-drawn all the time. Have you ever seen how different Mickey Mouse looked when he first hit the screens?"
"Cosmetic changes," I pointed out. "Aesthetic updates. Compared to getting new appendages and basically changing your species. Totally different thing."
"Yeah... I guess it all just hit me harder than I expected."
I waited for a while, staring out at the park. It was a nice place. Birds were singing, and kids were laughing somewhere in the distance, far enough away to recall pleasant days of yesteryear but not close enough to be annoying. The sun was shining hot overhead, but there was a nice, light breeze that kept us cool. I could see how someone would come to a place like this to relax.
"Do you know who Betty Boop is?" I asked eventually.
"Betty Boop?" She turned and arched an eyebrow at me. "Are you seriously asking me that? Who doesn't know who Betty Boop is? I mean, I've never met her, but she's a legend."
"And she's an old family friend of ours," I said. "I've known her my whole life. She was Aunt Betty to me."
"Oh. Okay?" Twilight said, cocking her head and clearly confused as to where the conversation was going.
"Did you know she was originally an anthropomorphic poodle?"
Twilight gaped at me. "A poodle? Seriously?!"
"Yeah, of the French variety. Almost all Toons were funny animals back in the day. But the studio decided that Betty worked better as a human, so they re-drew her."
The Toon pony blinked a few times, rocking back in her seat until her wings touched the back of the bench. "Oh. Wow."
"I asked her about it once. When I was young enough to not know how rude it was to ask those types of personal questions." I looked over to see her raptly hanging off my every word. "She said it was the weirdest, most uncomfortable thing she'd ever gone through. But, eventually, she got used to it. Even started to like the changes."
"Oh..." Twilight trailed off, looking across the park with a thoughtful look on her face.
We sat in silence for a few more minutes, her thinking and me remembering. Eventually, I sighed and got up. "Well, time to get going," I said.
Twilight started and then nodded glumly. "Okay..." she said, starting to get up from her perch.
"So, I'll see you next Thursday, alright?"
Twilight stopped mid-motion, one hoof on the ground, staring up at me with blank confusion. "What?"
"Thursday," I said. "Maybe around noon? That gives us enough time to get back and get you settled before my Friday deadline."
"You're leaving? Wait, you're leaving without me?"
I shrugged. "Way I see it, everyone needs a break from time to time," I said. "Enjoy yourself, get your head back together. Maybe call your friends. They've been worried about you."
She had the grace to look ashamed about that. "Yeah. I'll call them."
"I'll see you in a week, then. Take care of yourself, Twilight Sparkle."
"Please, call me Twilight," she said, smiling brightly. "You take care of yourself, too, Mister Valiant."
I smiled back. "Call me Teddy."
Author's Note
I'd been kicking this idea around for a while. When I realized that today was the anniversary of Bob Hoskins' death, that kicked me into gear and got me writing this. The entire thing was written today, and not pre-read or edited by anyone else. Which means, there's no one to blame but me for technical errors. 
Tranquility is a real town in California, though my depiction of it is entirely fictional.
