Princess of Friendlessness
I mean, they're more like acquaintances...
The Humble and Penitent Trixie’s Equestrian Apology Tour with Starlight Glimmer show was a great success. Every pony buzzed with excitement about seeing the legendary Moonshot Manticore Mouthdive performed, and even better, seeing it performed without the stage pony being eaten.
On her stage Trixie entertained the crowd with some smaller performances as an encore. She seemed rather off balance – not to mention slightly chewed – and kept calling herself the “Straight and Hourful Frixie”. But the crowd loved the fireworks, even if Trixie kept launching them at ponies by accident.
Starlight and Twilight sat on the hilltop overlooking the show.
“I’m so glad you’ve made your first friend,” Twilight said to Starlight. “I admit, I had my doubts but you’re proving to be the best student I’ve ever had. Of course,” she paused, “you are the only student I ever had, but the point remains.”
Starlight blinked and fidgeted. “Um, thanks Twilight.”
“Of course, this was all possible thanks to me giving you the advice to find a friend, so I’ll be sure to report that to Princess Celestia, but I think you deserve most of the credit,” Twilight went on. “Some of the credit, at least. I can see you’ve got the same eye I do for making friends, so I’ll give you half the credit for this assignment. We’ll split it when I tell Princess Celestia, okay?”
Starlight glanced down at Trixie still stumbling around her stage. Part of the stage was on fire, but nopony seemed to mind. “Twilight, um, I’d like to talk to you about something.”
“If it’s about the credit, I’m sure I can give you 40%,” Twilight said. “Maybe 30%. I am a Princess after all, so I need more of it. How about we tell Princess Celestia it was my idea so I get all the credit, and then I’ll give it to you when she goes, okay?”
Starlight sighed and raised her voice. “Twilight? Can I talk to you about something else besides credit? You can have all of mine.”
“Yes, Starlight?” Twilight beamed at her. “What can I do for my favorite – and only – student.”
“I don’t mean to be rude,” Starlight said very carefully, “but can I give you a piece of friendship advice as your pupil?”
“Why of course!” Twilight whipped out a quill and parchment. “I’d love to hear my disciple’s first friendship lesson! Ooh, let me just write this down!”
“Where did you get…?” Starlight shook her head. “Nevermind. Um, Twilight, I know that you were just looking out for me, but I really wasn’t happy with how you treated Trixie – as well as me today.”
Twilight’s face fell. Starlight rushed on, “it isn’t that I thought you were being, well, mean, but you were way too suspicious of Trixie, and you didn’t give her a chance. I’d have liked you to trust my judgement as well, but you sort of ignored all my opinions. Repeatedly. Next time, can we just talk it out more and not have you pop up in bushes and follow me instead?”
Twilight’s head lowered, and she let the quill and parchment drop to the grass. Starlight held her breath, wondering if she’d gone too far.
Eventually Twilight looked up. “Starlight, I completely understand and agree with what you’re saying. What I did was inexcusable as Princess of Friendship. I should have trusted you and Trixie and not pick your friends. Even if I’m friends with other ponies, it doesn’t mean my friends will necessarily be your friends – although of course I hope they will.”
“Yeah. About that.” Starlight nervously pawed at the ground. “Um. Can you introduce me to them sometime? I’d…sort of like to know who they are.”
“What?” Twilight blinked at Starlight. “Well, of course I can introduce you. You know five of them already. Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack. I have more, of course, but they’re in Canterlot.”
“Oh really?” Starlight asked. “Who are they?”
Twilight drew back a bit. “Well…I know lots of ponies there. I mean, I don’t think I need to list them all off unless you really want to hear all of their names.”
“Actually, I’d prefer if you did,” Starlight said. “It’s uh, let’s call it a research project.”
Twilight frowned.
“Please?” Starlight said.
“Well, I know lots of ponies, but I could try and name as many as possible,” Twilight said grudgingly. “Mind you, without my Canterlot pony list it’s probably very incomplete, but…hm, I know Donut Joe, Fancy Pants, Flash Sentry—”
“Twilight,” Starlight interrupted.
Twilight glanced at her in annoyance.
“Sorry,” Starlight said meekly, “but um, I was asking about your friends.”
“They are my friends,” Twilight said somewhat crossly. “I don’t know them as well as ponies in Ponyville maybe, but I have talked with them on numerous occasions.”
“Yes, yes, I understand,” Starlight said, sweat beading on her forehead. “But I’m talking about friends, not just…friendly ponies. I mean ponies you spend all your time with. Uh, how many of those do you have.”
“Well…” Twilight said slowly, “I mean, if we’re only talking about Canterlot, I suppose…four. Minuette, Lemonheart, Twinkleshine, and Moondancer. I was friends with them back in magic academy.”
“Right.” Starlight wiped her brow with one hoof. “Right. But ah, are they really your friends?”
Twilight’s expression, which had been a mixture of bemusement and annoyance shifted dramatically towards anger. “What are you talking about?” She demanded. “Of course they’re my friends! I hang out with them all the time when I go to Canterlot!”
“And how many times do you go to Canterlot?” Starlight asked. Twilight paused and then opened her mouth, but Starlight pressed on. “I’m just saying this because I noticed it, but you don’t seem to have many. Friends, that is.” She shrank back. “Just what I’ve noticed.”
Twilight stared at Starlight. The other pony could hear her counting to ten under her breath. Then Twilight said in a tone that was sounded intentionally neutral, “Starlight, I know you’re just saying this as a curious student, but I would prefer you not to question my friendships, just like I shouldn’t have questioned your friendship with Trixie. It’s true that I may not go to Canterlot all the time, but I still value my past friendship with my friends there. Whenever I do visit, we always chat and make time for each other. Even if we’re no longer as close geographically as we were before, we’re still close friends.”
“Okay, I understand what you’re saying Twilight.” Starlight said, choosing her words as carefully as possible. “And what I’m going to say might upset you more, but I really, really need to know. How many ponies are your friends in Ponyville? And please don’t say everypony. I mean, real, true friends.”
Twilight stared at Starlight. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you Starlight, but fine. I’ll answer your question, and then I want an explanation. My friends are Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash—”
“Not them,” Starlight interrupted. “Who else?”
Twilight’s brows drew together in a definite frown. “Who else? Those are my friends! I have five friends! What more do you want? Why are you asking me all these questions about friends? Is there something you’d like to say to me?”
Starlight took a deep breath. Time to bite the horseshoe. “I don’t think you have many friends, Twilight,” she said. “That’s what I’m saying.”
Twilight’s mouth shot open and Starlight kept talking as fast as she could. “I know you’re best friends with the other Elements of Harmony. Everypony knows that. But who else are you really friends with? I mean, true friends with, not just acquaintances. For instance, I know you’re friends with the ponies in Canterlot, but that’s more like old friendships from when you were in school together. Even if you meet now and then, it’s more like being classmates than it is friends, isn’t it? And I don’t know any pony else in Ponyville that you’re actually real friends with. No one else. And that goes for the other Elements of Harmony as well.”
Starlight stopped talking and shut up. Twilight was gaping at her, but the absence of words seemed to kick her brain back into motion.
“I have friends,” Twilight said. “Lots of friends, thank you Starlight. I wouldn’t be the Princess of Friendship without friends, now would I? I have lots of friends.”
“Can you name them for me?” Starlight was shaking in her hooves but she got the words out. “Come on. List them for me.”
“I don’t see why I should reduce my friends to a list for—”
“Twilight, how many ponies are your friends?”
Twilight scowled at Starlight. Her brow furrowed as she thought. “Zecora,” she said at last. “Zecora’s one. So is Spike for that matter.”
“I don’t think Zecora’s your friend,” Starlight said. “Doesn’t she live in a cottage in the Everfree? How many times do you visit her regularly? Because, you know, I’ve never seen her visit you. And Spike’s your assistant and, technically, your kid in a way. I don’t think that’s the same as making friends with a new person.”
Twilight glared at Starlight. “Okay, maybe I don’t visit Zecora regularly, but we’re friendly—”
“Not the same as a friend,” Starlight said.
“We’ve shared moments before. She taught me how to beat Trixie when she was possessed by the way, by an evil soul-sucking amulet. Isn’t that enough of a bond for friendship?”
“That makes it sound like she’s your teacher, not your friend,” Starlight pointed out. “Face it. You only rarely see her, and you never visit her regularly. Only Applebloom ever goes to Zecora’s cottage that often.”
“Fine!” Twilight said. “Zecora’s not my true, real, deep friend. Happy? But I have more! Lots more!”
“Then go ahead and tell me who they are already!” Starlight snapped back. “I’m listening!”
“Well uh,” Twilight froze. “Uh, let me think. W-well, you already met DJ Pon3. Also known as Vinyl Scratch to her real friends.”
“She’s your friend?” Starlight raised an eyebrow. “I heard that music. I don’t even think she heard you talking.”
“No, noooo...she always hears what I say,” Twilight said. “But she’s not the only one. What about Derpy? You saw her waving at me!”
“She’s your mailmare, and she was being polite,” Starlight said. “I’ve never heard you two actually talk to each other. Ever.”
“What about Cranky Doodle, then?” Twilight said desperately. “He came to the dinner party because I asked him to! Even if he thought we were talking…about…nose hair trimmers.”
Starlight said nothing. She just stared at Twilight.
This time it was the Princess of Friendship broke into a cold sweat. She backed up a few steps and then stopped.
“Twilight,” Starlight said. “You don’t have any friends besides the Elements of Harmony.”
“T-that’s not true! I know tons of ponies. Tons of them.” Twilight looked around desperately. “They’re all over the place!” She pointed down at the crowd of ponies watching Trixie’s show and trying to put out the flames. “Granny Smith! I know her and Big Mac. And Applebloom!”
“They’re Applejack’s family. I don’t remember you talking to Granny Smith or Big Mac that much either,” Starlight said.
“But I do teach the Cutie Mark Crusaders every week!” Twilight said desperately. “So there! I am so friendly with those fillies it’s not even funny!”
“You mean you’re friends with fillies?” Starlight raised her other eyebrow. “I…see.”
“No, I mean, I teach them, which isn’t like friendship, but it is, and…” Twilight’s voice trailed off. “I have so many friends. Trust me. Even if I only have five in Ponyville, I…I was friends with Princess Cadence and Shining Armor even when I was a small filly! They were my…only…friends.”
“So let me get this straight,” Starlight said. “You’re friends with some old classmates your never hang out with anymore – and never really hung out with to begin with if what Spike says is true, three fillies you teach sometimes, a Zebra you never visit unless something disastrous is happening, and your old babysitter and big brother. Twilight, you don’t have any friends besides the Elements of Harmony.”
“Not true!” Twilight raised her voice. “Absolutely untrue! I’m friends with Princess Luna! Ever since I helped change her back from Nightmare Moon—”
“—you’ve barely spoken to her,” Starlight finished the sentence. “Nope. Wanna try again?”
“I-I’m friends with Maud.”
“No, you’re friends with Pinkie’s sister and you never see her,” Starlight said. “Next.”
“There’s this pony called Sunset Shimmer in another world—I write to her all the time!”
“Another long-distance relationship? And I wasn’t she another pony you helped save? That sort of makes her more like a pupil, doesn’t it? How many times have you seen her?”
“Thre—four. I’ve had amazing adventures with her every time!”
“Which isn’t the same as just hanging out and getting to know her,” Starlight said. “How old is she? What’s her favorite food? What’s her favorite color? Does she like anypony? Who are her parents?”
“I don’t have to answer that!” Twilight said desperately. “Besides, she’s one of many friends I have. Like I said, many friends so stop asking me who they are!”
“You. Have. No. Friends!” Starlight said. “Only the Elements of Harmony are your friends. And that’s only because you five saved the world together. Besides that, you don’t make friends because you’re bad at it.”
“Am not!” Twilight shouted. “I’m the Princess of Friendship!”
“Then name one more friend for me,” Starlight challenged her. “Go on. One friend. I’ll stop asking you if you can tell me one more being that is a real, true friend to you.”
“I can do that!”
“Then go ahead and do it. I’m waiting.”
“Okay, I’ll tell you who it is. I have another friend. I totally do.”
“My friend is…my friend is…” Twilight hung her head. “My friend is Discord.”
Starlight gaped at Twilight. The alicorn gazed at her defiantly, and then tears filled her eyes. She looked away from Starlight. The unicorn could hear her choking back sobs.
The silence stretched between Starlight and Twilight. At last, Starlight walked over and put her hoof around Twilight’s shoulders. The Princess of Friendship pushed her away.
“I don’t want your pity!” She sniffed. Starlight saw her ineffectually try to wipe away her tears. “I—I’m a strong, independent Princess. Who doesn’t need other friends! I have five friends. Five friends who happen to be connected to me through magic and fate.” At this Twilight started sobbing.
Starlight felt horrible. She hugged Twilight. “Look, Twilight. I’m sorry about what I said. I just—I didn’t want to—I just thought that—I wanted to make a point, and—”
“No, you’re right!” Twilight blubbered. “You’re better at making friend than I am! You make an entire village follow your orders, and you made friends with a pony who was ready to kill herself to prove she was friends with you! I’m a fraud! You should be the Princess of Friendship, not me!”
“That’s not what I’m saying.” Starlight shook Twilight gently. “It’s fine to have only a few friends. I just wanted to let you know that your personality and way of dealing with other ponies doesn’t work that well with…other ponies. But please stop crying. You’re not alone. You have five friends, and they’re just as lonely as you are!”
Twilight stopped sobbing and stared at Starlight. “W-what? No, they have friends!”
“Not really,” Starlight said. “Uh, not at all if you think about it.”
“B-but look at Fluttershy! She’s so kind and nice…”
“And timid. She doesn’t have friend except for the animals. And they’re not exactly the same as ponies.”
“Well then, Rarity—”
“—is a social climber who knows a lot of ponies in Canterlot, but isn’t really friends with any of them,” Starlight said. “Sassy Saddles is her employee, so even if they’re friendly, I don’t think you can call it true friendship. And even if she knows a lot of ponies, I’ve never seen her hanging out with them. The closest is Coco Pommel, and they’ve only met each other twice.”
“How about Rainbow Dash? She’s a member of the Wonderbolts!”
“Again, not friends but fellow soldiers, colleagues, or whatever,” Starlight pointed out. “And she’s so busy being cool that she doesn’t hang out with any pony. Again. Maybe she’s friends with Scootaloo, but that’s more like hero worship. And before you say Gilda, that’s another long-distance friend she had as a filly, not a friend she sees that often.”
“Applejack?” Twilight suggested. “She knows everypony, and is always friendly with them!”
“Like a really good neighbor, but not a friend,” Starlight said.
“She knows Braeburn really well—”
“He’s her cousin.”
“And she was so close with Cherry Jubilee—”
“Again, being friendly with her isn’t friendship and wasn’t she her employer?”
“It’s true, then.” Twilight sighed. “Even Applejack doesn’t have any close friends besides us.” She brightened up slightly. “But at least I know Pinkie Pie—”
Starlight shook her head.
“Oh come on! She’s the party pony of Ponyville!” Twilight said. “How is that not being friends?”
“She’s the party pony, which means she lifts everypony’s spirits. She knows their names, their history, what they like and dislike,” Starlight said. “But how many of them know Pinkie Pie? Even the Cakes are more like her foster family. Pinkie helps them out in their shop, but does she ever do anything else with them? She helps every pony in Ponyville, but do they help her when she’s in trouble? At her birthday, how many ponies went to celebrate it?”
“Just five.” Twilight said and then stared in horror at Starlight. “Then even she’s…”
“Afraid so.” Starlight looked at Twilight sympathetically. “I’m sorry.”
“By Celestia.” Twilight stared blankly at the raging inferno that was Trixie’s show. “You’re right. We don’t have friends. We’re all…alone.”
“But you made friends with each other,” Starlight pointed out. “You five are super close friends.”
“But what if that was all due to the power of the Elements of Harmony?” Twilight said. “W-what if it chose us to be friends not because we were good friends, but because we were so alone?”
“That would make a crazy kind of sense,” Starlight said slowly. “I mean, I didn’t have any friends and now I’m your pupil. And I made friends with Trixie who was also alone, and you made friends with all the ponies who were alone in their lives as well.”
“So the Elements of Harmony chose the loneliest ponies in Equestria?” Twilight was shaking. “It’s all a lie. I’m no Princess. I’m a fraud. We’re all just lonely bits of dust on the wind and life is pointless—”
“Hey! Snap out of it!” Starlight smacked Twilight lightly with one hoof. “That’s not true! You’re a great Princess. You saved me, didn’t you? Even if you’re not used to making friends and only have a few, you still know a lot about friendship. It’s just something you had to learn, which is why you still make mistakes. But I’m learning about friendship too, and that wouldn’t be possible without you.”
Twilight put one hoof to her cheek and stared at Starlight. “I think you broke my jaw,” she said.
“What? I thought I hit you lightly!” Starlight exclaimed. “Let me see—”
She moved close to Twilight, and was suddenly swept into a hug. “Thank you,” Twilight said to her. “Thank you for saying that, Starlight. You’re right. Even if we were alone, me and my friends learned a lot about the meaning of friendship, and now we can make friends. We just have to keep learning and meeting new ponies. And I’m really sorry I wasn’t being a good friend with Trixie by being so suspicious and picky.”
“That’s all I wanted to let you know,” Starlight said, hugging Twilight back. “I’m glad to be your student. Just take it easy with all the analogies about plates and silverware, okay? That was weird.”
“Okay, I'll give you that one,” Twilight said, and laughed. “I’m just glad that everything went well. When I think of all the effort I put into the party so I wouldn’t let Princess Celestia down—”
Her eyes shot open. Starlight met Twilight’s eyes as both pony’s mouths fell open in horror.
“The party!”
Twilight and Starlight galloped into her castle and found an empty dining table, a melted puddle where the ice statue had been, and a lot of dirty dishes. They also found a note.
To my most tardy pupil Twilight Sparkle,
Since you never came back with Starlight Glimmer, I ate all your food (which was stale), and left for my castle with my three new friends. Henceforth, I declare Cranky Doodle my new Minister of Nose Hair Affairs, Derpy my official Muffin Taster, and DJ Pon3 will write Equestria’s new national soundtrack.
As for you and Starlight Glimmer, I can see more work is needed for you two to understand friendship properly. Please report to Magic Kindergarten tomorrow.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
PS: Why did you put a soup spoon on the table when there wasn’t any soup?
