Worst Princess

by DrakeyC

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 3854

A reader's poll in Equestria's leading newspaper rates the Princesses by approval ratings. OOC meta humor ensues as the four discuss the findings.

A reader's poll in Equestria's leading newspaper rates the Princesses by approval ratings.

OOC meta humor ensues as the four discuss the findings.

Pre-read by RT Stephens, MythrilMoth, and The Albinocorn.

Published 2016-05-04 01:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-04 01:00:01 UTC

Worst Princess

Worst Princess

Celestia hummed a small tune to herself as she strode down the hall to her sitting room. It was shaping up to be a lovely day; the raising of the sun had gone well, she’d had a pleasant sleep, and now she was looking forward to a light breakfast before starting the day’s errands.

She reached the doors to the sitting room and gently pushed them open with her magic. "Good morning, everypony." She smiled and bowed her head at the two attendants by the food cart next to her waiting table and chair.

"Good morning, Princess." The two attendants bowed and stepped aside. "Your breakfast, perfectly prepared."

"Wonderful, thank you." Celestia sat in her chair and turned her head to the food cart, lifting a bowl of fruit slices to her table. She looked back at the cart and tilted her head. "Is the paper late this morning? I usually enjoy reading it over my breakfast."

The two attendants looked at each other, drawing Celestia’s attention. Their eyes darted from the cart, to her, then side to side. One of them mumbled and stepped back. The other raised her head. "Apologies, Princess. I believe we have misplaced it. Tomorrow we’ll not be so careless."

"No matter." Celestia shook her head. "Accidents happen, no harm done. I can see to my own." Her horn lit up in magic.

"NO!"

Celestia stopped and frowned. She looked at the two attendants, unsure of which had called out to her. "What is it?"

"Ur…" The second attendant clapped her hooves together. "It’s just… well, I mean…" She looked to her partner for help, but the other pony shuffled away. The second gulped. "Princess, it’s just, you know… you just awoke, and we don’t want you to strain yourself."

"It’s no strain at all, really. A simple dimensional portal to a newspaper stand."

"Yes, well, surely that is no difficult matter for an alicorn, yes. But we also… um… were thinking that maybe you… shouldn’t read the paper today?"

Celestia tilted her head. "Why not?"

"Well… I read that papers are notoriously unreliable! It’s bad to rely on such misinformation," the attendant said hurriedly.

Celestia chuckled. "Nonsense, Equestria Daily is one of the most reliable sources for news I could name in the kingdom."

The first attendant spoke up again. "Perhaps, but… they have a new editor. He isn’t as trustworthy. A slanderous scoundrel. Who knows what type of falsehoods he’s approving for publishing?"

Suspicion crept into Celestia’s mind as she realized what the true goal of her attendants was in this conversation. She narrowed her eyes. "A new editor, hm? What’s his name?"

"Er…" The two attendants looked at each other.

"Wait." Celestia held up her hoof. "Each of you whisper it to me one at a time."

The first attendant grimaced. "I don’t remember!"

Celestia stood up and slowly walked up to the two of them. They shrank away from her but did not step away. Celestia leaned her head down. "I’ll not be angry, certainly not at you. Tell me the truth. Is there some reason you do not want me reading the paper this morning?"

The two simply nodded.

"Well then." Celestia's horn lit up. A swirling yellow vortex appeared beside her. "I’d best see what the fuss is about, hm?" She conjured a few bits and floated them through the vortex to the confused and frightened newsstand owner on the other side. "Keep the change, thank you." Celestia smiled, took a paper from his stack, and then dismissed the portal. She walked back to her chair and sat down.

"Now, what is the meaning of all this?" Celestia unfolded the paper and looked at the front page.

She bolted to her hooves.

"WHAT!?"

The midnight-blue double doors burst open, and Celestia skidded through them. "Luna!"

Lying on her stomach on the large blue and purple bed in the middle of her room, Luna groaned and turned her head to look away from the door. Her voice was slurred as she spoke. "Tia, there was a Peppo the Clown show last night, and half of Fillydelphia had nightmares. Can it wait until I’ve had my sleep?"

"No."

"Of course it can’t."

Celestia came to the other side of the bed and held out the paper. "Behold this morning’s paper."

Luna weakly lifted her head from the pillow and cracked an eye open. She saw the paper and lifted up, her eyes going wide. "What madness is this?"

The headline of the paper displayed a stock photo of Celestia with the headline ‘CELESTIA IS WORST PRINCESS’.

Luna pulled herself closer on the bed and rolled onto her back. She took the paper from Celestia and read the smaller font under the headline. "Our readers have spoken – Celestia is the worst Princess in Equestria. Story on A5." She looked up, her brow furrowed. "What in Equestria is that supposed to mean?"

Celestia huffed, and pulled a chair over with her magic to sit down. She waved a hoof at the paper and snorted. "Read the story and find out."

Luna flipped the pages to A5 and set about reading the article. "Over the course of four months, Equestria Daily has surveyed over ten thousand ponies from across Equestria. From Appleloosa to the Crystal Empire, from Vanhoover to Manehattan, our pollsters asked citizens what they think of Equestria’s monarchy. In a shocking turnout, Princess Celestia ranked dead last, with a mere six percent of voters claiming she is their favorite Princess." She looked up and shook her head. "Oh Tia, this is ridiculous."

"I know!" Celestia tossed her head and sniffed, her hair fluttering over her neck. "A thousand years ruling Equestria and they practically hate me!"

"I meant taking this newspaper poll so seriously."

"It’s not ridiculous at all, Luna." Celestia crossed her hooves. "Their methods of interviewing were rather thorough."

Luna looked back at the paper and continued to the next paragraph. "We asked voters, positive or negative, for their views of the royalty. Opinions on Celestia spoke highly of her grace and beauty, and of her strength and compassion in ruling Equestria for centuries on her own, defending the kingdom from threats."

"Thank you!" Celestia threw her hooves up. "At least some of my subjects are grateful for all I’ve done."

"However, these opinions are largely a minority. Readers questioned the faith they put in Celestia’s rule, pointing out how many times she has failed in recent years to defend Equestria, and left matters of national security to the Elements of Harmony and their bearers to sort out."

Celestia rolled her eyes. "Well, pardon me for not being omnipotent! I’m not Mom, you know! Besides, if I could wield the Elements myself still, I would. It’s not my fault their vaguely defined powers are so particular."

Luna ignored her outburst. "They also pointed out Celestia ruled Equestria as an absolute monarch for a thousand years. Even in her benevolence, they likened her to a gracious dictator; in more negative instances, she was labeled a tyrant."

"Tyrant? I’ve passed hundreds of laws through the centuries outlawing barbaric practices and giving rights and freedoms to everypony, and even foreign races! Did you know that before 245 it was illegal for zebras and griffons to enter Equestria without three pieces of identification? Oh, the council of nobles protested the revoking of the law for decades, but barely a month into 302 and they’re patting themselves on the back for standing up for equal rights."

"Yes, yes, Tia, well and good. Finally, in what was almost unanimous among her detractors, they claimed Celestia was…" Luna raised an eyebrow. "Just not as interesting as the other Princesses." Luna slid her eyes towards Celestia.

"Not as interesting?" Celestia slapped a hoof to her forehead. "Do they have any idea how hard I work? The thousands of hours I’ve spent visiting therapists to get over my martyr complex, my low self-esteem? Do they know how many days I’ve spent in my tower in quiet contemplation, questioning if all I’ve done is for naught and dwelling on my past failures? Do they know of the hardened mask I spent years building in the image of a perfect queen so my ponies will not lose faith in me if I show them my emotional vulnerabilities?"

"Apparently they don’t," Luna said simply. She cast a disinterested look back at the article, which continued on for several more paragraphs, and a sentence caught her eye. "Oh dear… Celestia? Did you read the whole article?"

"No. After that absurd denouncement it gave me, I could stomach no more and came here to share my outrage." Celestia gave Luna a suspicious look and cocked her head. "Why?"

"Um…" Luna held the paper out and tapped it with a hoof. "My apologies."

Celestia took the paper and looked where Luna had directed her. "In a sharp contrast, however, with a commanding voting lead of fifty-three percent… Princess Luna received almost universal adoration?" Celestia looked up at her sister; Luna was blushing furiously. "Lulu, with all due respect… huh?"

Luna put a hoof to her chest. "I’m just as surprised as you, I assure you. I can’t imagine what I may have done to earn such approval, especially in comparison to you."

"Let’s find out." Celestia went back to the article. "Readers spoke highly of Luna’s dreamwalking to combat the nightmares of Equestria’s foals. Fillies and colts around Equestria view her as a guardian of sleep, and their parents reflect this with gratitude and praise of her compassion and understanding in comforting their children… okay, I can’t fault that."

Luna shrugged. "I only do my duties…"

"Luna’s outings to the public on Nightmare Night have also won her the hearts and minds of many ponies. They speak of her as fun-loving and adventurous, yet also a commanding presence of fear when appropriate…" Celestia scoffed. "And I don’t go out? I visit the theaters every week, I’m on the board of directors for Canterlot’s art council!"

"I don’t think that’s quite the same as my Nightmare Night outings…"

"Finally, in general voters speak of Luna in glowing terms. Many view her as a tortured figure due to her past as Nightmare Moon. This leads to an intriguing paradox of her being both a regal and comforting presence, and at the same time a relatable and approachable fellow pony herself in need of comfort and friendship."

"Really?" Luna sniffed. "I confess I am not as psychologically sound as some, perhaps, but I would hardly call myself tortured. I fell victim to my own jealousy and hate, I turned evil, the Elements of Harmony purified me with the magic of friendship and turned me back. What’s so complex about all that?"

"There is also near-unanimous praise of her physicality, a haunting beauty at once intimidating and alluring." Celestia leaned around the paper and looked down at her sister.

Luna blushed deeply at the attention. "Please, Tia. You’ve always kept yourself quite fit, compared to me, at least. I'm hardly all that more attractive than yourself."

"Pardon me, Lulu, but I agree." Celestia didn’t notice Luna’s small gasp of indignation or the pout that followed it, and flipped the paper over to the next page. "Coming in second with twenty-six percent of the vote was Princess Twilight Sparkle. Readers speak of her as a noble hero who has saved Equestria from countless threats, and is now working to spread friendship and harmony across Equestria…" Celestia looked up. "And I don’t?" Celestia rolled her eyes. "A thousand years ago, we weren’t even on speaking terms with outside races! Now we’re engaged in open borders with the zebras and entering trade negotiations with the yaks and the dragons."

"I’m fairly certain we have Twilight and Spike to thank for the latter two," Luna muttered under her breath, looking across the room.

"Not to mention how many evil beings rampaged across the kingdom that we stopped from destroying the kingdom in its infancy! Sombra, Chrysalis, Tirek, Nightma—" Celestia stopped herself and clamped a hoof over her mouth.

Luna turned back and slowly raised an eyebrow. "Please, sister, do finish that sentence."

Celestia coughed and cleared her throat. "My apologies, Luna. I am simply frustrated with this paper’s poorly researched claims, and my temper is getting the better of me."

"Of course." Luna nodded. "Though it is hardly fair to blame the newspaper for all this. They are merely reporting what others have said."

"True enough. That is quite inarguable." Celestia sighed and looked back at the article. "Third place, with thirteen percent of the vote, was Princess Cadance. Most voters in her favor were those that live near or on the borders of the Crystal Empire, and speak of her moderate and compassionate rule as well as her great beauty." Celestia rolled her eyes. "And I’m sure there are no biases at play there."

"Sister," Luna began, "do you think perhaps you’re taking all of this a bit personally?"

"Of course I am!" Celestia stood and moved closer to the bed, the paper floating beside her. "Luna, don’t you understand? They asked the citizens of Equestria what they think of the monarchy! And they hate me!"

"That’s a gross exaggeration. They don’t hate you, they…" Luna thought for a moment. "They just don’t like you as much as they like the rest of us. It’s a silly poll, don’t take it so seriously. I don’t even care about these results."

"Easy for you to say, Mrs. Fifty-Two Percent."

"It was fifty-three percent. And I don’t care either way."

Celestia rolled up the paper and forced a smile. "I won’t let this affect me, though. I must see the positive. I should not take such critiques personally, it is merely a call to action to better myself. I doubt—" Celestia was waving the rolled-up paper in the air as she spoke, and stopped as she caught sight of the article again, particularly the last paragraph. She unrolled the paper, her eyes wide.

"What is it, Tia?" Luna leaned forward.

"We also offered readers polled a write-in option, if there was another being in Equestria they valued more than the Princesses. With just over one percent of the vote… Princess Flurry Heart was the most popular write-in vote, voters citing her physical appearance as the main reason." Celestia’s jaw dropped as she lowered the paper. "I wouldn’t dream to condemn a foal, but she nearly trapped the Crystal Empire in an eternal winter! Not to mention destroying the Crystal Heart."

"In her defense, she is rather cute," Luna said. She pictured the foal for a moment and giggled. "Most have a soft spot for babies."

Celestia set the paper down on the bed. "A newborn foal that almost destroyed a nation has an approval rating just 5% lower than mine…" She turned and slowly walked from the room.

"Tia?" Luna stood from the bed and moved around it to look after her. "Where are you going?"

"I think I need to lie down for a while."

"My friends, thank you for coming." Luna nodded at Twilight and Cadance as she led them down the hall. "Celestia has shut herself in her room all day and will not see anypony."

Twilight frowned and ran faster to catch up with Luna. "What happened? Is she okay?"

Luna sighed as they reached the end of the hall and she raised a rolled-up newspaper from in front of it. "This is the problem." She held the paper out.

Twilight took it and read the headline. "What? What the hay is ‘Worst Princess’ supposed to mean?"

"Celestia is a wonderful princess, why would anypony hate her?" Cadance asked.

Luna rolled her eyes. "According to that paper, conspiracy theories about her being a tyrant and her failure in recent years to defend Equestria from threats," Luna explained.

"That's ridiculous!" Twilight threw the paper to the floor and glared at it. "Celestia isn’t a tyrant, she’s benevolent! She’s expanded Equestria’s borders and opened up talks with other races! And it’s hardly her fault the Elements broke their bond with her."

Luna nodded. "My sister spoke much the same. Perhaps all of us speaking to her about this will help alleviate her anxiety."

Cadance picked up the newspaper and read the article. She let out a small murmur. "On the other hoof, Equestria sure seems to like you, Princess Luna."

"Really?" Twilight leaned over. "What percentage of the vote did she win?"

"Fifty-three," Luna replied instantly. The others looked up from the paper. "It really isn’t a big deal." Luna tossed her head, letting her mane stream out beside her. "We princesses must do our parts big and small to shepherd Equestria to harmony, and the recognition we receive, or not, for our efforts is irrelevant."

Twilight went back to the paper and found her result. "Twenty-six percent?" She cocked her head and thought. "That seems statistically sound, I guess. Four princesses, twenty-five percent…" She trailed off and looked away, frowning.

Cadance looked at her. "What is it, Twilight?"

"It’s nothing." Twilight laughed and shook her head. "Forget it."

"Twilight Sparkle." Luna came closer and bowed her head. "I have already seen my sister agonize over this article. If you are concerned about something, please share it."

"Well…" Twilight looked at Cadance and gave a small shrug. "I just mean it seems a bit unfair to Celestia to lose to you in the polls."

"I know, it really—" Cadance stopped. "Wait." She looked at Twilight with new suspicion. "What do you mean ‘lose to me’?"

"Nothing!"

"Twilight…"

"I just…" Twilight rubbed the back of her neck. "You know, yeah, you protect the Crystal Empire, really important, sure. But it hardly seems comparable to what Luna or Celestia or I do. I’m just saying that if we were to split the votes based on the importance of our contributions to Equestria..."

"I beg your pardon?" Cadance narrowed her eyes and walked closer. "I have to run an entire kingdom, and now balance that with a healthy marriage and a newborn foal. I may not raise the sun or the moon, but it is still a lot of work."

Luna held up a hoof. "Princess Cadance?"

"Not to mention that it’s quite a bit more work demanded of me than you."

Twilight gaped. "I happen to work very hard as a Princess! I’ve opened diplomatic relations with the yaks and the dragons, and I organized the Grand Equestria pony summit! And should I list off all the villains my friends and I defeated?"

"Girls, this is silly." Luna was ignored as Cadance and Twilight glared at each other. "Can’t we talk about this reasonably?"

"Sure, you organized the summit. But diplomatic relations with the dragons? Based on what I heard that was Spike’s doing, and my Shining Armor and Blueblood were the ones who actually opened negotiations with the yaks. You just gave them some food."

"It’s still more than you’ve ever done for Equestria!"

"Hello, remember the changeling invasion I stopped?"

"Uh, yeah, once I freed you from the caves!"

"I could have found my own way out!"

"Because you were doing such a great job until I got down there."

"ENOUGH OF THIS FOOLISHNESS!" Luna’s Royal Canterlot Voice echoed off the walls and shook the hall, bringing the argument to a close. She swung her head side to side to glare at them. "I DID NOT BRING YOU TWO HERE TO BICKER! YOU ARE HERE TO CONVINCE CELESTIA THAT THIS SILLY POLL DOES NOT MATTER!"

The door behind Luna swung open and she turned. Celestia, her mane haggard, slowly stepped out beside her. "Did I miss something?"

Luna took the newspaper from where it had been dropped during her outburst. "Twilight Sparkle and Cadance were arguing over the results of this poll."

Twilight held up her hooves. "Look, I’m just saying, if one examines our contributions to Equestrian society objectively, Cadance does not deserve thirteen percent of the vote." The other princess gave a sharp cry of indignation, but Twilight ignored her and kept speaking. "I would personally put her at ten percent and the rest of us at thirty."

"I see." Celestia sniffed. "Then you consider your own contributions equal to ours?"

Twilight’s eyes widened. "No, of course not! That was a mistake. I would probably be more around the twenty percent mark and then you and Luna at thirty and forty."

Luna gaped. "Thirty-forty?"

"You were absent from Equestria for a thousand years while Celestia ruled by herself."

"It was hardly by choice! Now I am back and we are equals. If you’re going to divide up the percentages like that, Celestia and I are each worthy of thirty-five. Right, Tia?" Luna looked at her sister. Celestia let out a murmur and tilted her eyes to the ceiling. "Celestia!"

"Now that she brings it up, I did rule a thousand years without you. I'm sure that's worth at least five percent over you."

"There you go again, being so high and mighty! You always thought you were better than me just because Mom pushed you out first!"

"Eeeeeeew," Twilight and Cadance muttered in unison.

"Well I may be the runt, but the legends always talk about the Two Sisters, not One!"

"They did once, when the One sister fell to darkness and became Nightmare Moon!"

A sudden silence fell over the hall as the two realized what had been said. Luna stepped back and pressed a hoof to her chest. "What’s happened to us? I can’t recall the last time I was so bitter and angry."

"Me too." Celestia nodded. She held a hoof to her head. "I feel just… angry at everything."

"The paper." Twilight looked down at where the newspaper had been dropped in the midst of the arguments. "It started all this."

Cadance nodded. "Yes. The paper is to blame for this. It’s driving us apart, making us jealous and resentful."

"We must get rid of it," Luna said. "Or destroy it."

"Indeed." Celestia focused magic into her horn and the paper caught flame and quickly burnt into a pile of ash. "It is done. The accursed object is gone."

Twilight shook her head. "No. There are dozens, hundreds of these papers in the streets."

"Filling minds with thoughts of favoritism and arrogance," Cadance agreed.

"But what can we do about it?" Luna asked. The four looked among themselves, then at the pile of ash between them.

"Well, we can’t just shut down the newspaper," Twilight said. "But what else is there? We can’t let ponies subject themselves to such a bad influence."

Celestia slowly smiled and bowed her head, then stepped forward and headed down the hall. "Come with me, my fellow princesses. What was once a force for evil shall now be a force for good."

PRINCESSES AGREE: EQUESTRIA DAILY IS WORST NEWSPAPER

The editor for the Equestria Daily put down the copy of the Canterlot Herald in his hooves. "I must say, I can’t imagine what brought this on."