Cleaning up

by Less_than_good

Rating: teen
Tags: DJ P0N-3, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Original Character, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 15404

Battle between changelings and ponies; yay!

At the Canterlot Wedding the changeling threat was repelled by the power of love.
However, the changelings are recovering, and will soon attempt another invasion; it's up to the Elements of Harmony to keep them from doing that, and it's up to the Royal guards to protect them until then.
Follow Whinnyam Blueblood and Gleaming Blade as they nearly fail at that.

May be cancelled because it hasn't been fun to write and it doesn't seem fun to read.
I have learned that you should plan your story in detail in its entirety before you begin to write chapters, and that the subject I picked was probably too complex for a beginning writer.

Published 2012-06-18 01:34:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-13 22:32:09 UTC

Assassination

It was a bitter midwinter’s day, a few months after the wedding, and Lieutenant Gleaming Blade was walking up and down the walls of Canterlot, trying to avoid the greatest fear of the royal guards at current - balls being frozen off; although he was a pegasus, the fact that his race were used to dealing with extreme weather did nothing to help him endure the cold. There was also the hard and slippery ice, which was responsible for great hilarity, often paid for by broken bones, missing teeth and wounded pride.

Scraping ice off of his nose, he noticed one of his colts pointing towards the gate with his spear; the other guards followed suit, all pointing with their spears towards the gate at five cloaked ponies, who were understandably irritated at being delayed.

Leaning over the wall, he shouted at them. “Who are you?”

Without raising his head, the unicorn in front yelled “My name is Farah; we are prophets of a growing religion in the Far East”

This raised the Lieutenant’s interest; he asked “What brings you here?”

Still without raising his head the leader shouted back “We wish to see the Princess”

“Which one?”

At that point the cloaked pony hesitated. He’d forgotten the name! Their cover would be blown any second now and they would have to flee! If only he could...

“I asked, which one? I think that’s a simple enough question.” the Lieutenant interrupted his thoughts.

In a flash of inspiration, he started rambling. “Her majesty, Princess of the Sun, Grand ruler of Equestria, Mayoress of Canterlot, Heroine, Ruler, Commander, Royal Highness, the most fantabulous...”

“We get it! What do you want to see Celestia about?”

Thankful his rambling got him somewhere, but annoyed that the guards were still asking questions, he gave a short answer that annoyed everybody, “none of your business”.

Turning red in anger, despite the bitter cold, he eventually controlled his emotions, before giving orders to let them in but keep them under guard.

“Rest of the squad is to return to their posts while I and nine other colts accompany these ponies”.

Walking through the large, plain white marble corridors inside the keep, dimly lit with ineffective and poorly-maintained burning torches, the Lieutenant asked them many more questions, to which he always got the answer “it’s for the Princess only”. After the fifth time this had happened he gave up, realising he may as well get blood out of a particularly dry stone.

“HALT”

All the cloaked ponies jumped in surprise at the sudden command, coming from the end of the dark corridor that they had reached. The two pegasus guards at the end of the doorway stuck out their wings to block the entrance to the throne room, which seemed rather superfluous, given the door was already closed and barred.

Gleaming Blade piped up, keen to keep things running smoothly; he liked to get these things done quickly. “They’re being escorted in, you don’t need to worry”

However, the guards at the door would not budge. “I’m sorry, but everypony that walks through this door needs to be searched thoroughly for blades, blunt objects, explosives, toxic chemicals and anything else that might harm the princesses; it’s more than my job’s worth to allow five ponies with potentially dangerous items on them to enter. Furthermore...”

Farah was by now peed off by the guard’s rambling, and wanted it to stop; he was no longer listening, just looking down at the floor.

It had been five minutes now and the guard was still going; how he came to know so much about Equestrian law was a complete mystery to Farah, which remained unanswered by the other guards. Everypony listening to him were sharing hopeless looks with each other.

“And so, under The Possession of Bladed Weapons Act of The Year of Our Princess 548 I cannot allow you to...”

The guard was cut off suddenly, a red line appearing across his throat and starting to weep, quickly flowing faster and suddenly stopping as the guard’s legs gave way, allowing his weight to slump on the floor. Farah removed his cloak, revealing an insect-like form with blue, compound eyes, an almost skeletal form with holes everywhere, a misshapen horn and translucent, veined wings with more holes in them, the look completed by a malicious grin made up of oversized fangs. The blade he had used was attached to his right foreleg, glinting mischievously.

The guard on the other side of the door just looked on in amazement before getting the same treatment.

As one, the other four prophets threw off their cloaks to reveal similar insect-like forms, deliberately throwing them at some of the escort in order to cause confusion, before they all slashed at Celestia’s forces, dropping four instantly without being scratched, and then they tried to run before the remaining guards could organise themselves.

However, the barricade over the door was heavy and it took four of the changelings using all their wingpower to finally heave it off, tossing it aside with a loud clatter, revealing another corridor that was lined with doors, and ended with a T-junction; this cost precious time, of which they now had very little. By the time they had done it the fifth creature had been overwhelmed and captured.

Farah cursed himself. Brilliant; we’ve lost Thirsk, we’ve lost the element of surprise and we’ve lost ourselves in this massive damned palace.

He thought a little while longer on his failure before having an idea.

Gleaming Blade was now thoroughly confused; his squad had been chasing the assassins for a good half hour, passing doors, guards, dignitaries and confused staff, but he had completely lost them, and nopony else had caught any sight of them. It was as if they had just disappeared completely. Perhaps they’ve buggered off, he conjectured, but didn’t truly believe.

“Find some shields and search the entire castle. Stay alert; surprise is their only advantage. I’ll go report the threat to the Princesses”

Galloping off through the corridors, Sword searched everywhere he thought the Princesses might be, i.e. the throne room. To his luck he found both of them in there, meeting with several Generals, Admirals, Captains, strategists and other members of the Equestrian Council of the Armed Forces; the Princesses were conferring with four royal guards about the changeling assassins in the castle.

The Lieutenant nonchalantly trotted up to one of the guards, casually acknowledged him with a nod of the head, then unceremoniously turned round and bucked him in the face. The entire Council stood and turned round to face him and looked on in horror, swiftly and loudly drawing their weapons, ready to quickly kill whoever dared threaten the Princesses.

A changeling was lying on the floor unconscious, and the royal guard that Gleaming Blade had kicked was nowhere to be seen.

The other three royal guards became changelings and rounded on their targets, Celestia, Luna and Gleaming, with the efficiency of a well-oiled machine, before slashing and kicking dangerously at them.

Celestia and Luna, being by far the two most powerful identities in the state, incapacitated their opponents almost as soon as they noticed the threat, trapping them in glowing bubbles of blue and gold.

Gleaming fared a lot worse; the changeling’s blade was swishing, slashing and looping back round so quickly that all he could do was parry, stepping slowly backward to avoid being minced by the razor's edge.

Captain Shining Armour looked down at the floor, slowly shaking his head and sighing, before trapping the final changeling in a purple bubble, noticing the relief on Gleaming’s face.

Princess Luna turned round to her sister, a large smile on her face.

“I hate to say it, but I told you they were a threat” she said, in a tone of voice that betrayed she definitely didn’t hate to say it. “You owe me a hundred bits”.

Promotion

Captain Gleaming Blade was exultant; he had just received a promotion, from the Princess herself. No longer would he have to listen to Captain Black Mail rant at him for not polishing his armour properly, or forgetting to dye his coat, and no longer would he have to worry about how to spell his own occupation (he could never figure out whether his former position of “Lieutenant” was spelt “ieu”, “uie”, “eiu” or some other random permutation; thank Celestia for proofreaders).

Speaking of Celestia, there she is now. The Princess was gracefully walking towards him, a unicorn mare trotting beside her. The Princess, as usual, possessed the beauty and radiance of the sun that she controlled; being a royal guard that had become a very tedious sight to him. What interested him was the mare beside her, with her golden mane tied up in a bow, her dark navy blue coat, her letter wheel cutie mark and her inquisitive expression; she had a large, plain feather tucked behind her ear, black at the end from ink.

“Captain”

Celestia had said this, dragging Blade’s attention away from the intriguing mare before him.

“Yes, your Highness?” he said, trying to seem interested.

“I have a few things I want to say; firstly, thank you for helping protect me and my sister”

“It’s my job, majesty”, he said, as a hero would trying to be modest.

“Secondly, I want you to go to Ponyville”

“Ponyville, your highness?”, the guard inquired. Why would such a small town be of any strategic importance? Perhaps because of its proximity to Canterlot?

“Yes, Ponyville; I want you to take your men and find the Elements of Harmony. They are all in the town. I want you to escort them back to Canterlot to keep them safe.”

The Captain nodded, still wondering why a common unicorn mare was standing next to the Princess. His unspoken question was answered, as if Celestia knew what he was thinking.

“This is Miss Nightfall Sparkle, she works in the Intelligence Department. She is going to help you find the elements without attracting attention and communicate clandestinely with me.”

“Call me Night; I look forward to working with you.”

Blade politely acknowledged her, before turning back to Celestia. “Your Highness, if - for whatever reason - we cannot make it back to Canterlot, what should we do?”

“One of the elements, Twilight Sparkle, owns a baby dragon who is able to send messages directly to me; have him send a message stating where you are and what kind of help you need”

Nightfall suddenly piped up.

“That’s my sister! I was wondering where she went!”

She noticed that everypony else was quiet; Celestia was wearing a bearly noticeable smirk, but Blade was just as serious as before. Nightfall blushed, embarrased at the words that she had been unable to prevent coming out of her mouth.

“Sorry, your Majesty; please continue”

The Princess dropped her smirk “Anyway, I trust you have nothing more to ask, Blade?”

“No, your Highness”

“Then onto my final point; Prince Blueblood has a nephew who’s in your new Company”

“With all due respect, why should I be concerned?” Blade asked, trying not to sound rude, but he couldn’t think of a more tactful way of phrasing it.

“Because the Prince insists that his nephew is promoted to 1st Lieutenant at least, despite the fact that he is still fresh out of basic training and has done absolutely nothing of merit.”

“So you want me to promote this weed to get the Prince off your back? That’s nepotism!”

“Yes, I know. However, promote him or the Prince will complain to you as well, and he holds power. However, I want you to train ‘this weed’ - as you aptly put it - longer and work him harder than the rest of the unit. By the time you’re finished with him I want him to be worthy of the position.”

“Yes, your Highness”, said the Captain, flatly.

The Princess brightened up after she had told him all of this.

“I want you to leave for Ponyville tomorrow morning; I will have chariots waiting in the castle courtyard at ten am”, she said, walking off regally, leaving Blade alone with Nightfall.

“I suppose we should get to know each other before we leave”, she said, curious about the stallion she was going to be working with for the next few days.

“I was going to go back to the mess and get some food but that sounds like a good idea too. I’m off duty right now. Let’s discuss this assignment over dinner” Blade pulled a tattered map of Canterlot out of his new armour and looked for a restaurant nearby.

“You okay with the Schwarzpferd at six?” he said, after a few seconds searching the map.

“Sounds good, I’ll see you there Captain.” Nightfall said, before turning to trot back to her duties.

Whinnyam Blueblood stood on the training ground with the rest of the Company, about as keen to be there as most foals are keen to be at school. His uncle had put him up to this, and was going to have him promoted to Captain, Corporal, General or maybe even Field Marshal by a combination of bribery, blackmail and other forms of "persuasion", and then he was going to use Whinnyam as a pawn against the Princesses he had spent years sucking up to.

Why do I have to do this? cried the pitiful voice at the back of his head that represented what was left of his dignity and conscience. He already knew he would be promoted a few ranks simply for being related to the bloody Prince.

“Company, to attention!”

Suddenly forgetting his uncle, he snapped out of the more relaxed position, straightened his legs and stood upright, attentive and listening, as one with the other two hundred or so ponies standing in formation.

“I am Captain Blade; you may call me Sir, or Sir, or Sir!” The white-coated pegasus at the front hollered, sarcastically.

“Which of you is Whinnyam Blueblood!?” he continued, hiding his disgust at the corruption he was about to perpetrate.

Whinnyam stepped forward shamefacedly; he knew what was going to happen. He was going to be promoted for no good reason, and be alienated from the whole company of men.

“You are now First Lieutenant,” the Captain said, handing him the insignia to go with the rank.

After that humiliation, the company split off into its platoons and combat practice began.

Collecting wooden swords, spears and shields, the company formed into two blocks of roughly equal size, facing each other on the grounds, making two shield walls, about twenty-five wide and four deep.

Both sides looked determined, as if this was an actual battle against actual foes. Whinnyam was caught up in how formidable the “enemy” looked, with their shields locked together tightly and the wooden staves pointing through, giving the appearance of an armoured hedgehog.

Blade, however, was unimpressed.

“What has every single unicorn forgotten!?”

Silence fell over the ground.

“Nopony? Do I have to spoon-feed you this basic crap?” He cast a glance over the crowd, trying to find somepony who could answer him. Suddenly, he saw his First Lieutenant, looking worried. He saw an opportunity to take this stuck-up brat down a peg.

“How about you, Blueblood?”

Panicking, the Lieutenant shouted the first thing that came to his head, something that was often clamped over his horn when he was much younger.

“Magic inhibitors”

“I hate to admit it, but this weed is right.”

Whinnyam had difficulty keeping his mouth closed on hearing his Captain say that. He had actually done something right!

“In peacetime, many unicorn guards find it more practical to leave them off, as magic often helps them keep the peace.” Blade began to explain.

“However, when the guards have to do some proper work, magic inhibitors, also called horn cones are key to the unicorn’s survival on the battlefield. When fear overcomes them, unicorns no longer have full control of their magic; it is not unheard of for magical accidents to wipe out half of the guard. I’ve seen entire battalions turn into Evergreens, teapots and assorted punctuation marks,” the Captain continued, a serious look on his face.

“Now GO GET HORN CONES!”

Upon hearing these words, about a half of the company dropped their weapons and slowly made their way out of the lines, tripping over everypony on the way, before running off and returning with metallic cones upon their heads, then clumsily making their way back to where they were, tripping over every weapon on the way back, before picking up their wooden implements and trying to make themselves some space. It was painful to watch, and it all made Blade want to cry.

This was his company that he was supposed to take to Ponyville without attracting attention.

“Celestia... Save us all”.

N.B.
Whilst I've tried to make this chapter as entertaining as possible, I don't think it's very exciting, you'll have to deal with it until I put the next one up.
Next, barfights and drunk ponies.

Barfight!

Blade and Whinnyam found themselves in a bar on the outskirts of Ponyville, with friendly staff and excellent Apple family cider; it would have been an understatement to say that Blade loved it. The food wasn’t too bad either; the whole place was warm and friendly, the band was even playing a jolly tune, but despite all of this, Whinnyam couldn’t shake the feeling of malicious intent. The two guards were sat on a padded corner bench with a table made to accommodate the space; they were without their golden armour in order to avoid suspicion.

“Relax, Whinnyam; you’re paranoid, and I don’t blame you. This is your first mission after all, and you want to be alive when you’re a veteran,” Blade remarked casually, slurring his words a little. “This is a small operation though, only one platoon, disguised as travellers, we shouldn’t be noticed. Even if we are the rest of the battalion’s a short march from here” he continued, perhaps a little too loudly for Whinnyam’s liking. He noticed that a few ponies were sitting closer than they were before, and appeared to be listening intently.

“So, Captain, how’d dinner with Nightfall go?”he said, slightly nervously, trying to ensure that Blade didn’t reveal too much about why they were there. He found himself silently murmuring curses at his Captain, who seemed close to dooming the mission because of his taste for the cider.

“Oh, fine. She talked a lot about her sister; took out an Ursa Minor, apparently; that’s some magic shit right there that is,” Blade almost shouted, drawing attention from the entire bar, who had facial expressions ranging from irritation through indifference to an unhealthy interest in the guards.

Whinnyam had failed to notice a dark-coated earth stallion leaving the toilets and talking to another pony at the bar; he was wearing a cloak that covered most of his body.

The band had finished playing, and while the guitarist went to get drinks and the others packed up, the drummer was bored, and was playing a quiet snare-drum roll, punctuated by regular bass drum beats.

The dark pony from the toilets started walking towards the guards.

The drum roll was getting louder; this wasn’t exactly helping Whinnyam shake this ominous feeling.

The stallion dipped his hoof into his cloak...

The drummer stopped.

A dagger clattered to the floor.

Both Blade and Whinnyam noticed, turning their heads sharply to the now non-threat. The cloaked stallion didn’t even have the time to curse his clumsiness before finding the corner table flipped over onto him, bruising him and knocking him down before peppering him with broken glass.

Several ponies got up; some looked interested, while others looked on in shock or anger at those who dared disturb the peace. However, many of the other patrons were still sitting down and paying no attention, as if casual violence was common in The Lucky Shoe. Blade seemed to sober up when he noticed more ponies wearing cloaks, looking like oversized floating napkins. There were five of them.

Despite having drunk enough cider to kill a bull, Blade was still capable of coherent thought; it’s what fifteen years of soldiering does to you. Five of them, and two of us; they look very skilled and we have no armour or weapons. We’ll be slaughtered!

“Captain, what do we do?” Whinnyam whispered into his commanding officer’s ear, expecting him to come up with a plan to save them all.

He didn’t disappoint. He picked up the jagged stump of a bottle, studied it closely, before turning it over in his hoof and looking around the bar, as if he were judging in a contest, all while the napkins silently watched him.

He then threw the bottle in the direction of a table; this was occupied by a large, stoic, red stallion, engaged in conversation with a cheery purple mare. The glass flew, seemingly in slow motion, before shattering the massive glass of cider that was balanced on his hoof. Glass and wasted beer flew everywhere.

Seeing the look of undiluted rage on the stallion’s face, Blade smirked and gave a cry of “BARFIGHT!” before leaping out the window and shattering the glass; it didn’t take much for Whinnyam to figure out that he should probably follow, and they both galloped away from the bar as far as their legs would take them, which for the Captain, was about three metres, before falling flat on his face.

“Bloody ‘ell, my legs are gone” the Captain exclaimed, clumsily getting up, or trying to.

“Get on my back; we have to keep moving!” Whinnyam almost shouted at the drunk, who protested at being hoisted on somepony else’s back.

From their current position, they could see ponies streaming out of The Lucky Shoe, which was in the process of being trashed; punches were being thrown, glass was swung at faces, furniture came flying out of windows, and large parts of the bar were alight. Whinnyam couldn’t help but wonder if the owner had insurance. One of the cloaked ponies stumbled clumsily out of the bar coughing, slightly dazed at the chaos that had just occurred; he was carrying an unmoving cloaked lump on his back.

The unmoving lump moved, and pointed in their direction, speaking to his mount, alerting him to their quarry; the pair began to move in the Whinnyam’s direction as fast as could be expected from a pony being ridden by another pony.

Whinnyam, not having much combat experience, shifted the Captain’s weight on his back and trotted off (for he could not canter or gallop with his burden).

The chase, while absurdly comedic to the observer, was intense for both groups, not least because of the weight, but the predators were incredibly determined to catch their quarry. Whinnyam and Blade saw their determination and exchanged puzzled looks.

“Why do they want our hides so badly!?” Whinnyam shouted at his Captain, in no mood for the respect that was due to his superior.

“I ‘unno!, Jus’ ge’ us outta here!” Blade shouted back, apparently in no mood to think about their motives.

“Can you fly?” Whinnyam said, hoping that he would be able to unburden himself.

Blade lit up at that idea. “Le’s try” he said, before maladroitly flapping his wings and tumbling comically off the Lieutenant’s back and onto his face.

“No” Blade announced, sprawled on the floor, now unmoving.

Whinnyam didn’t have the time to hoist his Captain back onto his back, so he turned to face his pursuers, which were now in exactly the same situation; one sprawling on the floor and one standing, ready to fight. Whinnyam stood facing the other pony, his face showing determination and some fear; the other pony showed no expression under his cloak, but his glowing green eyes creeped Whinnyam out.

“It’s been a rough night for both of us, with the barfight and all, so what’s say we call it quits and leave each other alone, eh?”

The other pony, not hearing his entreaties, simply revealed a hidden blade and then pulled it out with some magic; apparently he was fighting a unicorn. The only thought that crossed Whinnyam’s mind was Brilliant, he’s cheating.

The other pony spat in his face, distracting Whinnyam, and raised his dagger to strike

...and was knocked unconscious by a flowerpot.

Whinnyam, who had already turned around to run in an act of self-preservation, turned back, confused at the sound of shattering pottery, then that of a body collapsing to the floor. Deciding not to question it, he looked at the three unconscious bodies, that of his Captain, and those of his would-be assassins.

He wasn’t particularly enthusiastic when he realised he would have to carry and hide all three unconscious bodies.

Pinkie

The next morning a scroll materialised above Captain Blade’s sleeping face and fell, waking him up suddenly and surprising him. He was in an alleyway, suffering from a massive headache. Looking down, he saw he was lying on a sack which said “apples”; looking inside it he saw several split and broken fruit. Looking to one side he saw Whinnyam; looking to the other side he saw changelings.

Whinnyam woke up when his Captain stumbled over him in surprise. This was no mean feat for Whinnyam because he was both physically and magically exhausted from last night.

“Who disturbs me?”

“Explain them!” Blade shouted at his Lieutenant, whose eyes were still half-closed.

“They tried to kill us last night; I brought them here, tied them up, and tried to get some information out of them; they told us the changeling army was coming but didn’t know any more than that when I inquired further. Now, let me go back to sleep,”

Bridling at the insubordination, he started kicking Whinnyam, gradually adding more power to his legs. “Get up, Lieutenant!”

“Yes, Sir” Whinnyam growled; obviously he was still accustomed to the comfortable, lazy life that comes from being a Blueblood.

“Looks like we’ve got some orders, mate,” Blade said enthusiastically, cuffing Blueblood around the head with the rolled up parchment; he didn’t want to be stuck in this alleyway all day.

“Captain Blade and Lieutenant Blueblood

Good news, I have found my sister, the Element of Magic.

Due to the chaos you created last night, I cannot associate with you for some time. You may not regroup with the rest of the platoon until further notice. You are to find Pinkie Pie, the Element of Laughter. She lives in Sugarcube Corner, a large confectionary shop near the centre of town.

Nightfall Sparkle”

Enclosed was a picture of the pony in question.

Whinnyam took all of it in whilst Blade read it again to make sure he had missed nothing; then he turned his head to his subordinate.

“Lieutenant” he said, in a tone that betrayed nothing.

“Yes sir?” his subordinate answered questioningly.

“What say you to apple and papier maché for breakfast?”

“Looking forward to it, sir” Whinnyam said sarcastically, but knowing it was necessary to destroy the messages.

“Glad to hear it.”

Blueblood magically scooped some of the split fruit out of the sack that had served as his Captain’s bed and slapped it into two wooden bowls that he pulled out of his saddlebags, mashing it a bit further. He then took the message they had received and magically tore it up before distributing the paper scraps evenly between the two crude meals, mixing them in with floating spoons. He then floated one over to Blade, who dug in ravenously.

“We need to kill those changelings” Blade said casually, as if he was talking about what he needed to buy at the market rather than taking away the lives of sentient beings.

Blueblood almost choked; he quickly thought up an excuse as to why he seemed so squeamish. “Don’t they still have the capacity to be useful to us?”

Blade quickly retorted with an explanation that seemed to cover every possible point. “You interrogated them last night and got all the information you can out of them, which extends as far as ‘the Changelings are coming, the Changelings are coming’. We have three options,” He continued, chewing on his breakfast as he spoke.

“We could leave them, take them or kill them. We cannot leave them because they may have heard valuable information, and if they escape we’re doomed. We cannot take them both as prisoners because there’s only two of us so they can escape easily, and then we’d look suspicious walking round town with one of those things anyway. We have to kill them, and quickly too.” He looked at the bundles of exoskeleton and cloth with a cold, calculating look on his face and they stared back at him in absolute terror.

Unable to argue with this line of reasoning, Whinnyam relented. Keeping the same cold look on his face, Blade dextrously removed a knife from his saddlebag and held it in his hoof, and got to work, ignoring the muffled yelps of protest while Whinnyam looked the opposite direction and tried to think of other things.

Half an hour later found the guards slowly walking through town, having received directions to Sugarcube Corner from a passerby; Whinnyam still appeared shaken by the events from not so long ago, and visibly hung his head lower as they walked. Blade had all but given up on improving his mood; seeing life being ended before his eyes for the first time must have been very unsettling for him, especially since the changelings had been defenceless.

Only when they saw the building, seemingly made of gingerbread, icing and pastry with three candles on the top of the pile, did either of them break the uncomfortable silence.

“We’re here” said Blade.

Whinnyam stayed silent, his mood still dark as they entered the shop.

“SURPRISE!”

Both Captain and Lieutenant were startled; Blade jumped back out the shop and Whinnyam was now clinging to the roof beams in shock. A pink pony was hanging in the air beside him.

“Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie, but you can just call me Pinkie, or Pie, or Pinkamena Diane Pie, which is my real name, but I don’t like ponies using it that much, apart from me, much like my party cannon. Oh, oh, oh, do you wanna see that! That would be really, really...”

Ignoring her, Whinnyam tried to explain what he was there for. “No, the Princess wants you for...”

A look of realisation dawned on her face, and she gasped loudly “Oh my gosh, I just forgot something incredibly important!” The hyperactive two-tone pink blur shot into a cellar at the back of the shop, leaving Whinnyam unable to comprehend what had happened. Blade didn’t dare enter the shop again.

Whinnyam let go of the beam and landed on the floor, only just managing to avoid falling over sideways Does that pony even stop to breathe, he thought, before slowly shaking his head; hearing the sounds of rummaging in the cellar, he started towards it, before being surprised at a new voice coming from outside.

“You don’t want to go in there, trust me,” the voice came from a unicorn with a white coat and an electric blue mane, styled into... nothing in particular; she wore black, thick-framed glasses with dark purple lenses. She had a pair of joined eighth notes on her flank, implying her talent was musical. “Nopony except Pinkie goes in there, something about Hammerspace or some weird crap like that. She keeps an awful lot of crazy stuff in there.”

The over-enthusiastic earth pony came back hauling a large wagon, an oblong affair with two curved doors; the entire thing was very garishly decorated. Suddenly the doors burst open and Pinkie burst into song.

“Thanks” was all Blueblood could think to say about the impromptu welcome. Pinkie smiled a smile that seemed to stretch almost twice as wide as her face had been moments before, before dashing back into the basement.

“What in Equestria is she doing now?” Whinnyam asked himself impatiently, keen to get out of there quickly but unable to leave without the Element of Laughter.

The other unicorn turned back to him and gave the very useful answer of “Don’t ask me” followed by “OH SWEET CELESTIA, GET DOWN!”

Pinkie had returned with a short, fat, baby blue cannon on flowery wheels, which she now proceeded to fire multiple times around the shop, distributing confetti, tables, streamers and even a chocolate fountain, complete with marshmallows and chunks of various fruit. Whinnyam, who had not taken shelter in time, found his face covered with the remains of what had been a Victoria sponge.

This was not his day.

Next: a good old fight with swords and shields and... stuff.
Will take constructive criticism

We're Leaving

Twilight Sparkle and her sister, Nightfall, had spent their afternoon discussing many things, such as their brother, his new wife, their love lives (this was a very short conversation, as both unicorns spent the majority of their time working instead of meeting colts, or fillies). Slowly, the topic started to stray in the direction of the current threat, something that Nightfall was very eager to discuss, because that’s what she was there for.

“Twilight, sit down; what I say next is going to be quite shocking. We may need the Elements of Harmony to deal with this threat,” Nightfall said, losing the jovial manner that she had possessed up until now.

Following her advice, Twilight Sparkle sat down and wore a face that showed a mixture of curiosity and fear. Spike, who had been serving tea up until this point, vacated the room; he had developed a good sense of when he should make himself scarce. Good, but not perfect.

“Spike, come back, I need you to write something in a few minutes,” waiting for Spike to come back before continuing.

“There are changelings in the kingdom, probably in Ponyville, we need to get you and the rest of the Elements of Harmony out of here when we can.”

“Well, we need to go, quickly as possible, I’ll go pack right away and...”

“No, we can’t leave yet, we’ll draw suspicion; if they know you’re leaving they will send half the colony in your direction. You must stay here and lie low for a couple of days until we’ve gathered the Elements and they’ve lost our scent,”

“Hey, I don’t smell!” Both unicorns looked at Spike, which confused him no end, since he didn’t understand the metaphor.

“She meant a metaphorical scent, Spike,” Twilight said, through the hoof that was now clamped firmly to her face; Nightfall couldn’t help but laugh, no matter how hard she tried to hide it with her own hoof pressed firmly to her mouth. Realisation dawned on his face and he tried to hide his entire body behind his tail.

“Anyway, Nightfall,” Twilight said, turning back to her sister “What if they haven’t lost our scent by the time I leave the house; what if they kidnap my friends when they get here?”

“You need not worry about that; I’ve got several undercover guards posted here and they’ll also escort your friends as they get here, they should be safe,”

“Fine, but I’m still not absolutely sure this is a good idea”.

“Should I send for them, Twilight?” Spike suggested.

“You can do that? I thought your messages only went to Celestia.”

“That’s because I think of Celestia’s name when I send them; kind of gets into a habit. If I thought of somepony else they’d go to them instead,”

Nightfall spoke next, “In that case, I have several messages I want you to send,”

“What do you want me to send?”

Nightfall then proceeded to dictate a message to two of the guards in Ponyville, asking them to pick up Pinkie Pie. She then repeated this for all the other Elements before allowing Spike to send them all.

“Sister, why did you send for the guards? Couldn’t you have sent for them directly?”

“Twilight, while I may be trying to keep this operation under wraps, I still need to make sure they’re safe.” She said, before smirking and adding “Besides, Soldiers make me feel superior.”

At that point four ponies burst in, before being followed by eight guards. Four ponies.

“WHERE’S PINKIE?!”

Pinkie was being carried to the library from Sugarcube Corner in a combined gold and blue swirling aura, supported by Whinnyam Blueblood and the other white unicorn, who had taken pity on his situation. Gleaming Blade had flown ahead “for reconnaissance purposes” which meant leaving Pinkie behind; anypony would think he was scared to be around her.

“... and then the Doctor pony prescribed Ritalin and I was like ‘Ritalin, are you crazy!?’ but he was very very insistent and then I took it for a couple of weeks and then everypony was like ‘you’re not yourself’ so I thought I should stop taking it and then I realised that I’d already been through three really really big jars and then the Cakes stopped having migraines and...”

“So what was your name anyway?” Blueblood found his attention to his current task slightly compromised and Pinkie dropped a few inches in the air, before floating back up.

“Oh, I’m Blueblood”

The other unicorn completely forgot what she was doing and Pinkie was dropped an entire two feet before she recovered; the floating pony was unperturbed, and may even have been enjoying it. Nopony noticed her reaction through all the babbling and the funny faces she was already pulling.

“You mean you’re that stupid, picky, arrogant featherbrain Rarity told everypony about!?”

Blueblood smirked “No... I’m Whinnyam, the nephew of ‘that stupid, picky, arrogant featherbrain’ as you so aptly put it; he would never dare set foot in here. He might be my uncle but he can go and buck himself for all I care.”

“Thank Celestia for that,” the other unicorn said, smiling. “I’m Vinyl Scratch; most people call me DJ P0N3 though.”

“Oh, you’re that pony everypony’s talking about; the pony constantly getting into trouble with the law. Every guard in Canterlot has seen you in a prison cell.” Whinnyam glanced at her.

The DJ, just blushed and grimaced, scratching the back of her head with her hoof, sharing a nervous chuckle. “I didn’t do anything wrong, but they REALLY don’t like fun”

“I see where you’re coming from, to be honest; my uncle’s one of the worst.” Whinnyam smirked then sarcastically added “He’d love you.”

“WE’RE HERE, WE’RE HERE!” Pinkie suddenly shouted at them both.

“Oh, thank Celestia” Whinnyam and Vinyl exasperatedly muttered under their breath, then quietly giggled at how their reactions had been identical.

Together they levitated Pinkie through the library door and unceremoniously dumped her on the floor.

Once all the Elements had gathered (much to the relief of the Sparkles) they began to converse on what had been done and what needed to be.

“Now that Whinnyam and Vinyl have got Pinkie here, we need to make plans to leave.” Twilight said to the collected ponies and dragon.

“Way ahead of you BSBFF.”

Nightfall began to outline her plan, gesticulating at various ponies as she did so. “The Captain and the Lieutenant here will take a platoon of the Pegasus guards and a large chariot to the main camp, about half a mile away. Once there the Captain will take the rest of the battalion and march back into Ponyville, hopefully diverting the changelings away from the main objective, and set up defences there. The Elements and their escort with First Lieutenant Blueblood will fly South-East for twenty miles before turning North to the Capital.” She looked around at the room “Any questions or objections?”

Whinnyam raised his hoof and began to speak when Nightfall looked at him. “Should the diversion fail, would it not be better if Captain Blade was commanding the escort? He has more combat experience and he is a pegasus himself; he would not have to sit in the chariot with the Elements and let events take care of themselves.”

“A valid point you raise.” She thought to herself then decided that Blade was in command of the escort, and Blueblood was commanding the rest of the battalion. “Any more questions?”

Gleaming Blade raised his hoof and when he was acknowledged he lowered it and began to speak. “I have two.” He cleared his throat before continuing. “First, Where will you be? Second, who is she?” He said, pointing with his hoof at a white unicorn with a neon blue mane and shades and two joined eighth notes as a cutie mark, who hadn’t been listening until she saw said hoof.

Nightfall responded matter-of-factly. “To the first, I’ll be with the Elements, ensuring they are briefed in how we are going to defeat the changelings. To the second, I have no idea.” The white unicorn looked up, offended.

“Everypony knows who DJ-P0N... OOF!” she managed to say before being hit with a spell designed to reveal changelings.

“VINYL!” Whinnyam shouted, quickly standing up and running over.

“I’m fine Whinnyam, just a little confused ‘cos someone randomly cast a spell on me. You can let me go now.” Whinnyam was confused now; he had failed to notice what everypony else was staring at. He had caught Vinyl Scratch as she fell backwards and they were now lying side-by-side, Whinnyam holding the DJ tightly. Both of them started to blush uncontrollably at what had happened.

Everypony else’s smile was twice as wide as it should have been. It was Pinkie Pie who spoke first. “OH MY GOSH! They’re special someponies! WE NEED A PARTY!”

“Ain’ tha’ sweet”

“Scratchy and Blueblood sitting in a tree, B-U-C”

“Shu’ up Rainbow, ya’ll ruin t’ momen’”

“This is nice”

“This will make a very good letter to the Princess”

“This is the most romantic thing I have ever seen”

Captain Blade just said smugly “So that’s why you wanted to stay in Ponyville.”

This was without a doubt, the most embarrassing moment in either Vinyl Scratch’s or Whinnyam Blueblood’s lives.

Things Can Only Get Better…

Blade struggled to wake up, his eyelids feeling like they'd been glued together by some mysterious force; maybe it wasn't so mysterious, he knew exactly what it was - a combination of despair, fatigue and the worst, absolutely the worst headache he had ever experienced.

Struggling to recall the events of the previous... what exactly? How long had he been out for? He tried to move, and made very little progress in doing so; he was bound to a table with rope, a large piece of cloth tied into his mouth like a bit, preventing him from speech. Looking around, he saw red stains and the broken skulls of various creatures littered around, bunnies and squirrels, mice and cows, a dragon and a pony.

A pony.

A pony.

Blade had already given up. He just turned his head away and sighed.

"You call this binding!? This is a travesty; it's bulky and ugly and it's the most awful shade of brown, beige, tan or whatever this horrible colour is! It matches not my coat, my mane or the crimson on the walls! Even the skulls disapprove! Look at the disapproving expressions on those poor disembodied and broken craniums!"

"QUIET, PONY!"

"And that is another thing, your attitude is awful; you are rude, unhygienic and mmmpf, MMPF!"

Shortly after that, Blade's door opened; a creature stepped into the earthen chamber through the battered wooden door, taking care to latch it shut behind him before absent-mindedly scratching one of the wooden posts.

He then turned and walked on his two back legs towards Blade, before untying the gag.

"Answer me some questions, and I might let you live, you pathetic scum" the dog said, slightly nicking the Captain's throat while staring into his eyes.

"Let me go now, and I might let you live, you smelling mutt" was his response. It wasn't a particularly good one. It earned him a powerful punch round the cheek and a scornful laugh.

"Rarity was right, your attitude is awful, and did I say you smelled?" This comment earned him a savage kick between the hindlegs.

"I have far worse things in store for you, equine turd, should you fail to give me what I want."

"What do you want? A savage beating? Do you like it rough?" a broken nose. This was not going well for him.

"NO! I suggest you quit screwing with me and answer my questions" they were close, and his breath was toxic. Blade would have recoiled had he been able to, but the headboard prevented him from doing so.

"Fine, but answer me one of mine first." He coughed "Where are we? What are we doing here?"

"That's two" the dog pointed out, smiling at the Captain. "I can't answer the first, but we're holding you here until we decide what to do with you."

"What are the possibilities?"

"Slavery, ransom or death, depending on what you do and say next."

"That was very informative," it wasn't, but he was being polite "I feel so safe now," he didn't. "Your turn," finally, some truth.

"Good, I knew you'd come round to... our way of thinking. Who are you?"

"Gleaming Blade"

"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm in the Royal Guard"

"That would explain the armour, although I thought ponies never wore real leather."

"We can't make soy leather into armour yet. Dying cows and ponies donate it."

"I suppose that saves the trouble of flaying them alive." As the diamond dog said this a shiver ran down Blade's back.

"Anyway, what do you do within the guard? What is your position?"

"I'm a Captain"

"Oooh, valuable, we can ransom you" the dog's eyes lit up. "I assume it was your men guarding those seven mares and that baby dragon?"

"No" for that he ended up with a black eye; cooperation was overrated.

"You are forgetting I hold your life in my paws; if you cooperate you go free. If you don't, I enslave you and you are sold to the brutes in whichever state you go to and worked to death. We are in the Great North Waste, where the strong barely scratch a living and the weak shrivel and die in days. I survived here by causing pain and terror for ponies, gryphons, wolves and whatever other creatures you care to name, so I suggest you keep talking!"

"Yes, it was my men."

"Why? Why are they so precious to you?"

"They're friends of the princess"

The dog's eye glinted; there was serious money to be made here if he played this right. "What kind of friends? Best friends? Benefits?"

"Very good friends"

"How do they know each other?"

Blade fell silent, the dog couldn't know how they were connected.

"HOW DO THEY KNOW EACH OTHER!?"

"They're in the aristocracy!"

"NO THEY'RE NOT!" the dog cried, pulling him free of his straps and shoving him hard against the wall before punching him again. "They don't have clothes and only one of them has the attitude, and one of them is a DRAGON! Did you expect me to believe you!?"

"You'll never know!"

And Blade's world went black.

Again? Bloody typical

The changelings had fanned out and surrounded Ponyville, concentrating about the dirt roads leading from the makeshift gates which were protected by the magical shield; they had no assets on the inside, so the shield wasn't coming down any time soon. While it couldn't be seen in its entirety, the bubble was a sphere, covering above their heads and below their feet, as well as in all the horizontal directions. It was impenetrable from any direction, by air, road, river or even through the earth.

They were probably going to have to do this the old-fashioned way; namely, set up some more permanent shelter and bum around for a while as the ponies starved and then attach a fancy label like "siege" or "blockade" to their minimal activities in the mission report. For an isolated town that was used to functioning for long periods of time independently, this may take some time.

But it would eventually fall.

"We must negotiate with the ponies! Everyday we sit here wears away at our troop's loyalty and will to fight!" a changeling said in that strange, rasping and clicking language of theirs; he was decorated and bore the Changeling insignia of a Captain. "We must get them doing something as soon as possible; many people in our army have harvests at home that will require tending to and many will leave the army."

In the tent, another changeling - outranking the Captain - voiced his objections to the idea.

"If we negotiate, they realise we don't want to fight, which makes us look weak, then the ponies start getting ideas; they may risk a sally in which they will be slaughtered, but we lose troops. If the pony guards send another large detachment we may not escape with our targets!"

"And wasting time is a better idea?"

"CALM YOURSELVES!" the General, having magically amplified his voice - thankfully unable to compete with the Royal Canterlot Voice - shouted at his charges. He would not have loud arguments in his command tent, for the walls were only made of cloth and offered no soundproofing. He continued "I have already wrangled with this issue myself and believe we should open negotiations. The Colonel's concerns are irrelevant."

He then proceeded to leave the tent and call for two of his personal guards, who had been standing beside the tent, and then walked up to the barrier, ostentatiously removing his weapons and throwing them to the floor in order to draw attention. He motioned for his two guards to do the same, before knocking on the barrier.

Whinnyam was barely awake, wishing he could see Vinyl, wishing he could tell her how he felt, wishing she hadn't left for Canterlot to drum up some business in the big city clubs. His heart ached; he'd felt like he'd been stabbed, despite not taking part in any big fights. He was more concerned for her safety than his own, though she was far away in Canterlot, and he was facing the changeling horde, for lack of a better word.

Stop this Whinnyam; you're obsessing. You've got far bigger problems!

While he hated to admit it, the little voice of sanity in the back of his head - trying to escape from the rest of the crazed mass of thoughts - was right, although perhaps "voice of sanity in his head" seemed a bit oxymoronic.

His attention was drawn by a rippling in the coloured bubble above his head, tinting the sky. Looking for its source, he noticed three changelings, completely unarmed, knocking on the shield.

Looks like they want a word. What harm can it do?

I suppose that stallion was nice.

Vinyl fumbled with her vinyl; she was dropping discs all over the place tonight and she had no idea why; she had recently lost a Static Stallion record, which had rolled onto the dancefloor and probably hadn't survived. Was she drinking enough water? More than usual. Was the thermostat too high? No, it was lower tonight. Was she shivering because it was cooler than usual? No, she would've noticed.

Frustrated at herself for screwing up so much, she decided to quit early, packing up her stuff and going over to the bar for a drink; the business she needed in the long term didn't matter as much as the beer she needed now. Those first two drinks had the counter-intuitive effect of clearing her head and helping her figure out what was going on, and if she didn't like the answer she just continued drinking to forget it. It was a very good system, Vinyl thought as she staggered to the bar, her body already anticipating the effect.

After 'a few' rounds of various beers, ciders and shots - all of which looked questionable - she collapsed on the two-bit bed in the two-bit flat, for once thankful there wasn't a two-bit colt next to her.

He wouldn't approve of that; in her drunkenness she had realised something. She realised why she had been thinking of Whinnyam all day, even though he barely knew him. She realised why she had been fumbling all day with everything.

I like him; I love him

Happy at this conclusion, she rolled over, and fell asleep like a log.

AN: I've decided that my story merits a romance tag, even though I have little to no experience with the subject whatsoever; here's hoping I get something right!
Also, while faving this makes me feel good about myself, only constructively critical comments are going to make me better. Just sayin' ;)

…Or Worse

Whinnyam was soon sat at a wooden table across from the changeling General, both of them flanked by two guards and an interpreter; changeling mandibles were unsuited to the Equestrian language, and pony tongues would never be able to replicate the rapid hissing and clicking that the changelings used as speech. Very few creatures were able to speak in both, changeling queens included. These limitations were forever aggravating to both sides.

The General spoke first, then the pony interpreter, both of them saying the same thing. "Our demands are simple; hand us the Elements of Harmony, and it is unlikely that we shall see each other again; fail to do so, we will attack." The large changeling clicked his mandibles together in what seemed like a menacing way to Whinnyam, his lone compound eye gleaming.

Whinnyam prepared himself for what he was about to say, and the effect it would have on their already dwindling chances of survival. "We don't have them; they left."

Silently he found himself wishing he had them so he could give them to the General and make the nasty army go away. But he didn't, so he couldn't.

The General began to make loud exclamations, shocking everychangeling, and everypony as well, despite not being traslated into Equestrian; Whinnyam's interpreter decided that the situation was better left this way.

After a few seconds, the General calmed down a little, then began to speak again. So did the interpreter.

"He thinks we're lying. We have three days to hand them over, and then he'll begin an assault on the town. Then..."

The General continued, in what seemed like a harsh tone to Whinnyam.

Whinnyam looked across to his interpreter, wondering why he had stopped.

The interpreter now looked very troubled.

"and then?"

"Everypony suffers."

Princess Molestia
We have a small dragon, a captain of your pathetic guard and seven stupid mares. We know that six of them form your weak 'elements of harmony'.
We told this to the changelings as well and they would pay a lot for these guys. We'll sell them to the highest bidder.
We haven't hurt them... yet
Diamond Dogs of the Great North Waste

Mutts
You are committing treason by holding citizens of the Equestrian state.
If you fail to hand them over I shall find you, rescue my subjects and ensure you are brought to justice.
Tread with care.
Princess Celestia of Equestria.

Whinnyam was trapped.

The entirety of Ponyville was trapped.

The situation was bad, very bad, and it was only getting worse as time went on and the changelings prepared by readying trebuchets, onagers, ballistae and even the occasional gun.

It had already been two days. More specifically, two days, twenty-three hours, forty-seven minutes and five seconds. Changelings were very precise.

Stockpiles of wood had been confiscated and used to reinforce the walls and barricade the gates. Stallions and unicorns had been put to heavy work across the town. Pegasi went on roofs to scatter traps. Holes had been dug and covered with weak sticks, cloth and just enough earth to cover the whole thing. Barricades had been put up. Archers were stationed in the taller buildings such as the library and the town hall, and they were now talking idly about anything that didn't relate to the coming battle.

In short, everypony was delaying the inevitable.

At least they wouldn't have that much longer to wait before it was over.

Blade was bored, so dreadfully bored; for a couple of days now the dogs were running parallel negotiations with the ponies and the changelings, ensuring that both sides escalated their bids to ridiculous amounts as soon as possible; Blade thought they would make good estate agents, with all the lying and exaggeration the dogs did over the weekend using magical fire.

In the end it turned out they were worth millions of bits to both sides.

The changelings made the first offer, the ponies not too far behind. The changelings made a bid of 10'000; the pony's bid was of 9'000, and, while it was smaller, the dogs had very good reasons to allow them to remain in the auction. They informed the ponies of the miscalculation, and it was promptly corrected to 11'000.

The changelings sent a bid of 13'000 in response to this, the ponies raising by 2'000.

Changelings: 20k

Ponies: 30k

Changelings: 50k

Ponies: 100k

It went on like this for about two days. About midnight on the second day the ponies made a bid of two million, which made the changelings think twice, before offering 2.5.

This was starting to have an effect on projections of the Equestrian economy. While many ponies dismissed these predictions as 'no better than chance', many were starting to doubt that this bidding war was worth it.

Even the changelings, despite possessing a large empire stretching far out to the East from which to collect taxes, were worried that this could cripple their current growth.

Meanwhile, the dogs felt like Zebrican Princes. They were going to be rolling in it, and it was all so easy! First they would get some kennels so they didn't have to live in holes, then some shiny new pony carts complete with well-muscled, healthy but weak-willed pony slaves to pull it.

Then another letter came in.

Three million!?

This was already a hefty amount, but if they could get a raise from the changelings then all the better, so they wrote to the Hive.

They immediately wrote back with a bid of 3.5. They forwarded this to the ponies who offered 4.

They forwarded this to the changelings.

The changelings wrote back. They offered 5.

The Equestrian treasury did not have the money to raise their bid.

Blade, Nightfall, the dragon and the Elements were all doomed.

Doomed to what, they didn't know.

It was about a minute until the attack.
One minute

Whinnyam had found fifteen ponies, good fighters, five of each race. The unicorns did not have magic inhibitors on their heads, for they were to use their magic in the fight. These were to be his personal guard, the ponies who would stand with him, who would protect him, and who would drag him away from the fight when his head got bashed in.

He was still afraid.

Thirty seconds

He was still unmarried. He had no children, no family except the Prince.

Twenty seconds

He'd never asked out that DJ. He'd been meaning to do that for the past few days, but never managed to do it.

Ten

His life was effectively over now; it was doubtful that anypony would survive.

Five

He drew his sword.

Four

Gritted his teeth.

Three

Reared up into the slow, cumbersome fighting stance.

Two

Raised his shield.

One

"ALRIGHT GUYS, FORM UP! Let's batter the bugs!"

And the bugs launched the first volley. Catapults loaded with fire, jars of pitch and even dangerous animals were launched through the shield at the town while changeling soldiers threw magical attacks at the bubble, creating small cracks. None of the unicorns left in Ponyville were powerful enough to conjure up a very strong barrier.

Within five minutes the shield had been taken down.

Whinnyam swallowed a lump in his throat. This was his final stand.

The Doctor and the DJ

Vinyl Scratch bought an edition of the Ditzy Daily.

Ponyville Beset by Bugs read the headline

The headline was the only reason the alabaster unicorn had bought the paper; if it involved her hometown, it must have been major to even make it's way to Canterlot in any form, let alone a respected newspaper.

In it she read that the changelings were superior in every way except positioning. They outnumbered the ponies two to one, they had siege engines, superior physiology etc. etc.

Her friends, Lyra, Bonbon, Octavia, and Whinnyam were trapped in the town. The fact that they were almost certain to die, almost certain to never see her again, these emotions, it made her want to...

"No, No, NO, NO!"

She galloped back to the flat, not caring what anypony thought as they looked on; other ponies were irrelevant, only her own sorrow.

"What was that about?"

This was the question being asked by many in the street of Canterlot, where a white unicorn had run off crying.

However, the stuffy nobles in the city had never thought to give the newspaper she had dropped any second thought. It was on the ground, and nopony touched the ground unless absolutely necessary.

However, there was a stallion who thought it was necessary. This stallion was essential for keeping everything together in time, space, the multiverse and the void between, and yet nopony noticed him doing this near-impossible but thankless task, as he faded in and out of existence whenever he needed to.

This stallion called himself the Doctor, and he found himself very interested in the current situation. He didn't know what but something told him this unicorn was going to be important in events to come.

If he could find her first.

Vinyl had cried herself to sleep - not bothering to remove her shades - when the box appeared. It was blue and very flashy; she couldn't make out much more than that as it kept fading in and out very brightly. There was a blue light up on the top.

Vinyl just stared in... whatever the word was, she couldn't think of it due to whatever she was feeling. None of the words available - such as disbelief or confusion - quite described whatever had happened before her.

A door opened, and then partially shut again, leaving a hole in the wall. The door had collided with it, leaving a gap of about a half a foreleg between the plasterboard and the box's doorframe.

"Oh dear, I was always terrible at parking. Let's try this again, shall we?" a British accent sounded out from the cubicle.

"Uh-huh" the unicorn said, dumbly, still not comprehending anything that had happened.

The blue box faded out of existence in the same way it had faded into her flat.

Vinyl just collapsed on her bed.

Vinyl had just awoken from a strange dream when the box appeared. It was blue and very flashy; she couldn't make out much more than that as it kept fading in and out very brightly. There was a blue light up on the top.

Vinyl just stared in... whatever the word was, she couldn't think of it due to whatever she was feeling. None of the words available - such as disbelief or confusion - quite described whatever had happened before her. This feeling was familiar.

A door opened, and then a brown stallion leapt out, taking in the apartment.

"Nice flat you've got here."

Oh, Celestia Vinyl thought. This is real! And it's worse than Pinkie's special brownies.

"Anyway, I need you to come with me. Don't worry, it's completely safe, I'm not going to abduct you permanently; you can tell I'm not dangerous because I'm not offering you sweets!" He seemed like a colt possessed. "Speaking of which, do you have sweets?" He then thought for a second. "Oh yeah, you were created by Americans, you'd call it candy. Do you have any candy?"

"Created by what?" Vinyl, if she had been confused before, she felt like she was resitting her high school exams now.

"Nevermind. Forget candy and Americans; there's something I need you for."

With that he grabbed her foreleg, dragged her into the box and faded out of existence, to reappear somewhere else.

Vinyl found herself in a room bigger than it had any right to be. At least twice the size of her entire apartment. The stallion ran around, adjusting various switches, saying random things that Vinyl would never get.

"No, I don't want to do a trans-dimensional warp, I just want a spatial adjustment."

"The Hive, not Highway Five!"

"I don't care how, just correct the chronological overlap!"

After a few seconds, a loud CRASH shook the room, knocking both the mysterious stallion and DJ P0N3 to the floor.

The stallion got up very quickly, being used to this kind of thing happening.

Vinyl was still sprawling on the floor for a good few seconds.

The Doctor took a small rod out of the console in the centre of the room, before walking over to Vinyl and pointing it at her head.

"Sorry, just needed to do something first, implant something in somepony's head, as you do."

"What are you...?"

And then it hit her. She had never felt something so weird in her life; a thought was forcing itself into her head, a memory. It was painful, yet didn't hurt at all. It was confusing, yet she understood it completely.

She threw up.

"Yeah, that tends to be a side effect when I force it in there. Perhaps I should've asked first."

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF LUNA DID YOU JUST DO!?" Vinyl was bordering on the insane. She had no idea what was going on, and this lunatic wasn't explaining anything.

"I put a spell in your head that makes ponies look like changelings. Isn't it great? We can play their game!"

"Why?"

"Because we're in the Hive now. We need to go save the Elements of Harmony!"

"Great..." That explanation didn't exactly help, but she figured it was best to go with this madcolt in a box. He seemed to know what he was doing.

Two changelings were walking towards the holding cells, lightly armed. One of them sported purple shades and the other was wearing a cheap bowtie.

"I told you already, take those shades off, they look ridiculous, not to mention suspicious!"

Vinyl turned back and gave him a stare that penetrated through the dark glasses and burned him. "No matter what happens, I do not remove these. Anyway, what about your bowtie?"

"Hey, bowties are cool." He looked offended, although he was overdoing it a bit.

"And your ridiculous screwdriver."

"Hey, it's useful for all sorts of things; doors, keypads, brains, woodscrews..."

"I thought you said it didn't work on wood."

"Yes, but it does work on the woodscrew, which is usually made of metal."

Vinyl gave him another look. This pony was annoying.

"Anyway, we're here."

They came upon a row of cells, filled mostly with changelings. Except one. This one held seven mares, a stallion (probably from the guard), and a baby dragon.

"This is it. Thank goodness this was such a short search. I get the feeling someone or something wanted me to find them..."

"Who goes there?"

The Doctor paused ...then again, perhaps not. "I'm just a guard, I was asked to bring these ponies to Chrysalis" he said, showing the changeling a piece of blank paper.

"Fine, go ahead" the guard replied, hoofing him the keys.

And then they just walked out of there. Vinyl turned around to ask the Doctor how the paper managed to get them some very valuable hostages, then thought better of it.

Unfortunately he noticed. "It's psychic paper. They see what I want them to see."

"Huh." That explanation was actually surprisingly simple. Much simpler than the one he tried to give about his oh-so magnificent tool.

The prisoners, in changeling form due to Vinyl's new spell, just stayed silent. They'd been through a lot and they were still in shock.

So they just walked on.

Later, they came upon the TARDIS that the Doctor and the DJ had came in. Unfortunately, it had been cordoned off and they were stopped by guards.

"Sir, we need to take a look at this thing; if it's got important information..."

"Sorry, I can't let anyone near it. My job is at stake here!"

The Doctor had already tried using the psychic paper but the guard had been told not to let anychangeling through, no matter what ID they produced.

Thankfully, Twilight had a very simple solution. Unfortunately, that solution involved the Elements of Harmony, which they didn't currently have.

Apparently they were going to be stuck here until the changelings thought it was safe.

This would not do.

Oh, Celestia, we're stuck here Vinyl lamented, holding her head in her forehooves. She looked over at the brown stallion.

With that madcolt. She let out a groan that everypony else should've heard, but somehow didn't.

AN: Doctor Whooves = Worst plot device ever. He deserves more, so he might be appearing later ;) This chapter was very fun to write, as it was quite relaxed and it was funny (to me).
Anyway, I'm off for a week (Olympics YAY! Go GBR!) so I'm going to give you the opportunity to say what you want to see in this fic, and I might put it in. See ya!

Finally, things actually do get better

The party were walking down a corridor in the changeling hive, lined with hexagonal holes leading to various corridors and rooms; whilst the design used space efficiently, it was weird, like their situation. Captain Blade had no idea who their rescuers were, and didn't trust them; the fact that the crazy changeling-who-was-actually-a-unicorn-with-shades had cast spells on them exacerbated the situation. Although he had to admit the exoskeletal armour was cool.

He looked over at the mares to find them also looking like their changeling captors and their disguised rescuers. Spike - to his chagrin - looked like a larva; Rarity didn't like to see "her Spikey-wikey" as a pile of slime with a small, writhing lump of flesh in the middle, and everypony heard how, as a changeling larva, he looked 'hideous'.

He looked over at Nightfall, somehow distinguishing her from the other "changelings". Even in her changeling form, she looked very striking, and he took in every detail of her form, noticing how the plates slid under and over each other, how the fangs subtly poked out underneath the top lip...

... how she suddenly looked like she was walking on the ceiling. He had tripped over Spike, eliciting a slime-makeover from the grub and laughter from everypony. It was disgusting; it covered the chitinous plates on his torso, seeped through the holes in his legs and stuck to his wings, weighing them down.

Not as if it's the worst thing that happened in the past few weeks. Keeping this thought in mind, he gradually began to smirk, now finding his own situation funny. At least, he smirked until the Doctor caught his attention.

That pony/changeling/whatever was a very strange chap. He said literally everything that came into his mind. If somechangeling wore a funny hat, or had a bowtie matching his, everypony knew. Only Twilight Sparkle seemed close to understanding him, as they yammered on about sonic screwdrivers, space-time, the Element of Laughter and the queer nature of magic, among other things. The unicorn was still amazed at the gadgetry he possessed which, as advanced technology can be, was indistinguishable from sorcery.

Anyway, the Doctor wanted everypony's attention.

"Is there really anything preventing us from just flying out?" he said, whilst hovering a foot off the floor on his thin, changeling wings.

Everypony facehoofed - apart from Spike, who currently didn't have any hoofs, hands or other appendages to hit his face with, so he just facefloored.

Why did nopony think of that before?

Everypony was amazed; most of them thought the almost papery wings were an illusion, until they saw the Doctor using them. Now they were soaring through the sky across Equestria on transparent membranes, as if they had done it all their lives.

Naturally, Rainbow Dash was putting them through some hardcore tests; Pinkie joined her 'for the hay of it', Pinkie's flying almost rivalling that of the sky-blue pegasus.

Applejack was nervous, as she was used to being grounded and having hard earth to stand on, and the fact she was being supported by something that weighed about the same as her hat did nothing to calm her down. She was occasionally supported by other ponies because she was so out of control.

Rarity and Fluttershy were conversing about how lovely they would look if they didn't have so many holes in them; Rarity had the idea of going back to the hive with a needle and lots of thread and patching everychangeling's wings up with the finest gossamer she could find, while Fluttershy quietly suggested not doing that.

Twilight was holding Spike in her grip with all four legs; she was afraid of dropping him as he was so slippery. She was still yammering on about... stuff... with the Doctor.

Vinyl Scratch was brooding behind her purple shades. Octavia, Lyra, Bonbon, Whinnyam and her other friends were trapped in Ponyville.

Please live, guys

Please live, Whinnyam

The Canterlot Guards had formed a shield wall. The changeling army had received numerous injuries from traps, arrows dive-bombing and hitting spikes. There was fire, there was blood, there was screaming. There were fear and pain. And Whinnyam didn't register a thing.

He no longer consciously controlled his body or his mind as he shouted orders - go there, do that, another unit to that gate, put out that fire, aim for their delicate wings - and as his gradually thinning unit of hand-picked guards started to lose colts. He only knew one thing. He must protect these ponies, and he will - he must - stand between them and any threat. Even if it meant his death.

He gritted his teeth, adjusted the shield straps on his left foreleg, and marched three legged with thirty or so other nameless, white-coated ponies, his head down, bracing for the eventual collision. Most of the changelings couldn't fly, and attempting to do so in battle would confuse the other bugs. It was going to be shields against shields, force against force, soldier against soldier, in a war that neither army wanted to fight.

But they were fighting it, so they could hardly stop now.

They hit. After all the buildup, it seemed so very fast as both sides initially recoiled, then reformed, then pressed again, hard as they could, neither side giving ground.

It was mostly a shoving match, as neither side could see well over the shields. There were the occasional spear thrusts, axe swings, sword swipes and magic spells, but these did very little to either side, as the wooden boards separating the two armies locked together and refused to give.

This struggle was happening across the town, effectively splitting it into halves, both sides endeavouring to sneak through buildings and very often dying in the attempt; civilians had already bailed out of this part of the town, and so both changelings and ponies collapsed buildings to hinder the other side's access. The changelings were pursuing a quarry that had left the town, and the ponies were buying time for those who couldn't fight to escape; most of the stallions and the more belligerent mares had picked up weapons and joined the ranks, against Whinnyam's advice, although however much he didn't want to put their lives in danger he had to admit they were useful.

An axe came over the top of his shield, almost hitting his head, and attempted to pull the shield down, making a large gouge in the wood; a warhammer that was also aimed at him missed, splintering the axe handle and causing the blade to fall almost on his hooves. He raised his shield back into position and continued, pushing in time with the others, occasionally lunging his shortsword through the gaps and dodging blades coming through those same gaps.

And then suddenly they began to pull back; this was not momentary, this was not meant to interrupt their balance, but was a true retreat, meant to conserve the changeling numbers.

Nopony understood, but celebrated by punching their forelegs into the air in joy, with cries of "we did it!" and "we beat the bugs!" and insults thrown at the changeling army.

Whinnyam just reigned them in, still in the trauma-induced haze from battle. If he was able to express a belief he would not have believed it, but after the fight the only thoughts running through his mind concerned what to do over the next hour. He found himself mesmerised by the town square, filled with ponies and the occasional rescue pegasus or teleporting unicorn - appearing and spiriting away ponies from the disaster area.

This was before he was tackled by a white unicorn and had his face stuffed into a massive neon blue manedo with shades.

"Whinnyam! You're okay!"

"Yes, I'm okay, except I can't see through your mane."

Vinyl picked him up and then hugged him in a crushing embrace.

"Vinyl... can't breathe... still can't see!" He attempted to shout, but it came out quieter than a mouse in the grip of a massive hangover. His friend barely heard him over her own squee.

Vinyl loosened her grip, allowing Whinnyam to see who else was there. Captain Blade and their... guide, for lack of a better word, Nightfall stood there, smiling. Besides them stood a brown stallion he didn't recognise, deep in thought; at least he was, until he noticed where he was and smiled at him as well.

"What are you guys doing here?" Whinnyam asked, finally shaken from his shock-induced trance.

"We were going to help with the changelings, and then they just disappeared" Captain Blade looked forlornly at where the changeling army had once been; he was looking to get his hooves dirty for ponykind.

"Speaking of which, why did they disappear? And why did they appear in the first place if they had the Elements already?" Nightfall looked around, attempting to divine the answer from the ponies around her.

"That might've been me" the brown stallion said, surprising everypony as he'd been so silent before. "You see, I couldn't let the Elements of Harmony be killed by changelings, balance in the universe and all that; while Discord is quite a cool guy, I can't have him running around because he's bad for the universe. Oh just remembered, note to self: fetch TARDIS..."

"Get to the point, Doc" Vinyl Scratch added, still annoyed at him for everything that had happened so far.

The Doctor, now annoyed at Vinyl, paused for a moment to glare daggers at her. "Anyway, as I was saying, I had to keep the Elements alive, so I went into the changeling intelligence office and messed things up a bit, making things easier to rescue them."

Whinnyam was now scowling at the Doctor. "How could you have so easily condemned so many ponies to this suffering? Do you know how much damage your actions have wreaked on this city?" Whinnyam was angry, but the kind of calm, cold, calculating anger that instills genuine fear in ponies, rather than just shock. Everypony stepped slowly backwardsl even the Doctor, who had centuries' worth of experience combating the most fierce, horrifying and deadly creatures, races and machines of multiple galaxies, was affected.

Against all common sense, the Doctor stepped back forward and began to speak. "Whinnyam, I understand why you're angry with me, but please, let me explain."

AN: As always, I want your advice (and as always, I never get it :P) so feel free to drop a comment saying what you liked, didn't like, or just to tell me that I should give up and go cry in a corner.
Also, I will start work on another chapter but I don't know whether I'll finish it before I go to Manchester (yes, another holiday! I really am making the most of the summer break). So that will either take less than five days, or more than a week and five days.
I'm also wondering whether this is funny enough to warrant the "comedy" tag. Does it or not?
Thanks for reading! :)

The Phrase Rhymes with 'Clucking Bell'

Whinnyam looked out over the newly constructed wooden walls surrounding the small town of Ponyville from the top of the town hall; it had barely been a week since he had left basic training and he had already been in a barfight, nearly killed by changelings, saved by a completely random flowerpot (which apparently Pinkie had dropped when she sensed that somepony was in danger) and oversaw the construction of defences around Ponyville, including wooden staked walls that were soaked and covered in various materials to discourage fire, and a shield over the whole thing to discourage flyers. Caltrops were scattered over the open areas and on roofs to make it difficult to land if they did take down the shield. The atmosphere of misery, fear and pain created by the spikes, barriers and the shield wasn't helped by the fact that an imminent attack was very likely

It wasn’t perfect but for a few weeks it would probably be adequate; it’s not like the ditch was too shallow, the spike traps were obvious and they probably wouldn’t have enough food to last a fortnight under siege.

Whinnyam facehoofed. What have I gotten myself into? He then remembered who had got him here in the first place. What has that bastard uncle of mine gotten me into? He was well aware of the rain, and the darkness, and the gravity of the situation that he was expected to deal with somehow.

He heard a loud rumbling noise and turned to the Private next to him, who had bags under his eyes. Slightly concerned for this tired, hungry and shivering guard he wondered how long the colt had been watching out of this tower, pike in hoof.

“How long have you been on this shift?”

“Twenty-eight hours, sir”

“Forgive me for not relieving you earlier!” The alarm in his voice, although he tried to suppress it, was still very obvious. This pony had barely ate or slept for more than a day! Whinnyam dismissed him, asking up to send another colt from the barracks, and audibly groaned. I suppose this is just further proof of how stupid and incompetent I am.

As he stood there longer, his thoughts started to drift, first to his Captain and his mission, then to the sandwich he would make next morning, then to a white unicorn.

Vinyl

As he saw the pony in his mind he began to close his eyes, to relax, to breathe deeply.

The town hall began to shift; the viewing platform became wider, and lower, until it was only two or three metres above ground. The wide, empty field became a deep, jam-packed crowd of ponies. The only thing that remained the same was the darkness that still made it difficult to make out details.

First he was blind, then he was blinded. Bright stage lights turned on behind and in front of him, reducing everything to blurry silhouettes on a background of white.

A pony-shaped shadow walked out and stood in front of the lights, to which the massive crowd cheered. And then a song began to play; various effects, including strobing, lasers and even the occasional lick of flame projected from the stage.

Whinnyam’s eyes gradually got used to the apparent chaos and he began to see the DJ, dancing, waving her arms and enjoying the music as much as the crowd was. Whinnyam was captivated by this... this energy that he had never experienced before, exuding from this unicorn at the decks.

Near the song's close, where all pre-recorded tracks - the pounding drums, the heavy bass, the overriding melody made up of several instruments and tones, all in harmony - stopped, and it was just the DJ left in a lone spotlight, looking exhaustedly at the audience, but still with eagerness in her face; she was waiting, and while waiting she was lightly bobbing her head.

Then she began to scream, filled with power, not at any particular note but still conveying the emotions she wanted to convey. It was at that point the drums and the bass started up again, and she continued to scream until the synthesised guitars, violins, keyboards and various other instruments started again for one final chorus.

Whinnyam was entranced throughout the performance, unable to take his eyes off her. He had never seen anything like this performance - or anypony like her - in his life, before or since.

Too soon, the performance finished, the crowd melted away, and Whinnyam was left alone with Vinyl, and was suddenly aware that he had been staring at her for the entire thing. Not that either of them minded.

He was also suddenly aware of the unicorn walking slowly, slightly shakily, towards him. Her mane was a mess - as usual - she didn't have the confidence she did earlier, and she was glistening with sweat from the performance. She began to remove the purple lenses that she kept on her muzzle.

Red

She walked closer, her eyes staring into his, taking in his own bleached white coat and his open-mouthed, amazed expression. As she got closer she started to close her eyes.

And kissed him.

He had kissed other ponies before; as one of the more kind-hearted, benevolent members of a very rick family it was difficult for him to avoid. However, this one was special, this one was unique.

He wanted this.

He wanted this pony, he wanted this to go on as long a possible, he wanted this to never ever stop.

He kissed back, ensuring he took as much time as he could over it.

When it did finally stop, there was nothing that he could bring himself to do; it was uncomfortable, having to lean on the mare for support in the embrace, and her leaning on him, and his back was arched in a way it shouldn't be, but somehow it was completely perfect.

When the DJ opened her eyes again, he was still struck by the ruby gems that adorned her perfectly chiselled marble face.

And she spoke; only two words but in a voice that was perfect, somehow not made sore by her loud 'singing'.

"Wake up"

Suddenly the stage began to rise, the sun took its place in the sky, and instead of Vinyl embracing him, it was a guard, lightly shaking him awake.

He found himself back at the top of Ponyville's town hall, lying on the platform near the top, trying to commit as much of the dream to memory as possible before it was lost forever.

Buck All he remembered was that it had something to do with the unicorn from yesterday, and it was amazing.

Then he looked out over the fields, just outside Ponyville, through the glistening purple barrier and he hoped this was a nightmare.

Two large black columns marched towards him, one from the North and one from the East. Each column was equal in size to the garrison of the town.

"Oh, buck"

"SPREAD OUT!"

Gleaming Blade had been shouting this at his platoon of pegasi to the point that he was now very hoarse. He hoped that keeping lots of space between them would help them defend against any ambushes; everypony - and griffon, for they were highly valued by the Equestrian military - was turning their heads round in every direction.

The purple-helmed Captain was a strange combination of nervous and bored, and out of his comfort zone; he was used to covering his entire body with polished plate armour, but to fly the platoon needed to abandon that in favour of silk and leather. At least a third of the ponies went unprotected instead of wearing the hides of sentient creatures.

He couldn't blame them; he would rather not be wearing it, but he was Captain. He couldn't avoid the additional protection being thrust on him by everypony else, because they wanted him to survive; he was the leader they needed.

Even if he was only leading them to Canterlot.

He was bored, and he was wearing the skin of a living, breathing cow... well, maybe no longer living or breathing, but it still felt wrong.

He was looking for distractions everywhere; that oak looked like it was interesting, that hill was looking very green today, those were very big bugs.

Hang on

"UP! GET THE CHARIOT UP HIGHER! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!"

The pegasi pulling the chariot responded and pulled the large wheeled box sharply higher, causing Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash to stick their heads out and try and see what was going on.

"GET YOUR HEADS BACK INSIDE!"

The two ponies immediately snapped back inside the chariot, more afraid of the Captain than the attack.

Until they saw who - or more accurately what was attacking them… it was the changelings. More worryingly, Pinkie recognised some of them.

"I shot him with my party cannon!"

"I magicked her with Twilight!"

"Them two cucooned the Princess!"

While this was going on, the chariot climbed, the guards climbed, and the group of changelings split in two; ten of them flew up at the guards while the other thirty went under before starting to climb, and then hovering in a triangular formation. The eighteen guards, four of whom were pulling the chariot, were outnumbered.

The first ten, being unencumbered, got up higher than the guard and immediately started falling, their wingblades pointed downwards towards the guard. They did various corkscrews, flips and pitching to make their aimpoints more difficult to predict; they were far too agile to dodge, but the guards had one advantage… griffons. Because they had claws, they could hold a weapon dextrously without using their wings; there were six spaces in every aerial platoon reserved for these creatures for precisely this reason.

This would be easy for them; throwing their shields in over their heads and holding up their pikes, they braced themselves for the impact; this whole operation occurred without words, as their training had been so effective. The other eight working members of the platoon prepared themselves to push up with all their wingpower.

The ten lightly-armoured changelings broke almost immediately, like a wave against a hard cliff. Three of them were knocked unconscious from the impact and started to fall, another three flew down to save them, and the remaining four flew off in retreat. The guards started jeering them, calling them cowards and weaklings, and Blade breathed a sigh of relief.

And then he turned round and saw the other thirty hurtling towards him at incredible speed.

"TURN ROUND! TURN ROUND!"

But it was too late; before they could do anything, the platoon was hit by the overwhelming force, broken apart and defeated by gravity.

As Blade started to fall, he noticed a large gash down his hindleg, which was spurting out blood very quickly.

He had resigned himself to the very real prospect of death when he joined the guard; only one thought crossed his mind as he fell.

I've failed

And then his world went black.

AN: To anyone still reading this story, sorry it took so long to update. I've recently come back to England from a trip to Florida, and it's the school holidays right now so I've got other stuff on as well. Normal service may be resumed at some point in the more recent future.