So Sunset Shimmer Doesn't Like Screwing Horses Now

by a sick depraved bastard

Rating: teen
Tags: Equestria Girls, Sex, Sunset Shimmer, Random, Slice of Life, Main 6, Comedy
Length: 1020

Sunset tells her friends a secret that will change their conception of life, the universe, and everything

Trigger warnings: no sex, brief raunchiness, consent is not one of the reasons
(One of these days I'll figure out how to write consent.)

Everyone dreaded when Pinkie Pie was "it" in Truth or Dare. Already much clothing had been lost. And there were few secrets Pinkie Pie didn't know about the girls now.

Only one had yet to be broken.

"Truth… or dare?" Pinkie Pie said, menacingly.

"Truth," Sunset Shimmer replied.

Pinkie Pie took a breath, and then said the most embarrassing and raunchy question she could think of.

"Do you wanna screw a horse?"

What happened next would change all of their lives forever.

Published 2017-01-23 00:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-01-23 00:40:01 UTC

Reason 5 will blow your mind

"Do you wanna screw a horse?"

Pinkie Pie's question reverberated throughout the room, creating the awkward moment to end all awkward moments.

Sunset failed to grasp this, making everything worse. She spoke immediately and forcefully, with the absolute last answer any of them expected to hear.

"Nah."

There was an awkward silence.

An emphatic "no," with much blushing and cringing, they could handle. An emphatic "yes," with a complete disregard for normal human senses of decency, they were braced for.

But a noncommittal "nah"?

That raised more questions than it answered.

Pinkie Pie continued, a bit off her game. "Not… ever?"

Sunset shook her head. "Not really."

Silence.

No one was really sure what it meant to "not really" want to screw a horse.

After a few seconds, Sunset realized what was happening. "You all thought I wanted to screw horses, didn't you?"

"Well…" Rarity said, in a very controlled and delicate way, "…yes."

Sunset had no words. "Um. Why?"

Applejack blushed, a rare sight. "Well, since you came from a land of horses—er, ponies—I guess we all sorta just, uh, assumed…"

"…that's what I'd be attracted to?"

"…yeah."

Sunset closed her eyes and sighed. She was beginning to get a handle on the situation.

Yes, her friends were idiots. She knew that for sure now. But she could understand how they made that assumption.

"Look," Sunset said, commanding far more attention than she really wanted to, "one does not simply decide what they want to be attracted to. Your body plays a big role in it. When I'm a pony, I like ponies. When I'm human, I like humans. That makes sense?"

"Y-Yes," Rarity said, sheepishly.

"But… doesn't that feel weird?" Rainbow Dash, the only person in the room with less tact than Pinkie Pie, said. "Even if your body's like that, isn't your mind going like, 'Holy shit, holy shit, what is this thing and why do I want to uncontrollably fuck it!?'"

"Uh, no," Sunset replied. "You're not that disgusting, guys. Really, I mean it."

"T-Thanks," Fluttershy said, weakly.

"So you don't, like… look at my horses and think about how ripped they are, then?" Applejack said.

"It's… not the first thing that comes to mind," Sunset said. She paused. "I mean, they aren't bad looking, of course."

"Of course," Applejack added, a bit proudly.

"But fucking them?" Sunset threw her hands up. "Uh, ha ha, no."

Applejack blinked, and shuffled awkwardly for a few seconds. "…yeah," she said. "Right. Of course."

This escaped the notice of absolutely no one.

Sunset took a second. "Applejack," she said, slowly, "you're not offended that I don't want to sleep with any of your horses, are you?"

Applejack blushed. "No, no! Of course not!" She looked at the side. "But I was willing to… uh, keep an open mind about it. Country… er, hospitality and all that."

Sunset smiled nervously. "What."

Applejack started sweating. "I mean, er, uh, I…"

Sunset leaned into Applejack. "Applejack. If I was straight, and you offered to let me sleep with your brother for no other reason than that I thought he was ripped… would that be weird?"

Applejack swallowed. "Y-Yeah."

Sunset's smile started twitching. "So this," she said, "is also weird. Right?"

"Uh… yeah, I guess it is."

Sunset patted Applejack on the back. "Glad we're at an understanding here."

There was a tense silence.

"Does it bother you that animals can't consent?" Rarity said.

Sunset Shimmer gave her a look. "Actually, that's pretty low on my list of concerns, but I'm not sure why it isn't on yours," she said. "Let me put it this way. Back home, interspecies sex was really common, and anyone that said your partner was a 'lower species' was called a racist. Of course, normal humans would find that appalling, but clearly I am not dealing with normal humans here. So let me say this plainly and clearly—even back home, you guys would still be fucking weirdos."

"What!?" Pinkie Pie said, sounding a bit offended. "Why!?"

Sunset sputtered incoherently and pointed at Applejack. "She just offered to whore her farm animals out to me! And you guys are cool with this!?"

There was a moment of great indecision.

"See!?"

Rarity tried to save things. "No, look, you see, we just thought…"

"No, this has gone far past a simple misunderstanding," Sunset said. "And the fact that it's about animals doesn't even really have much to do with it. It would be just as weird if they were sentient."

"Sapient," someone inevitably corrected.

"Shut up," Sunset snapped. "In fact, let's just forget about all the ethical problems with this. There is one reason I don't want to screw horses, and one reason only, and it has nothing to do with consent or thinking they're ugly or even about it being against the law. You guys better be ready, because I'm only gonna say this once."

Sunset cleared her throat.

"STALLIONS HAVE DICKS THE SIZE OF FIRE HOSES AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START SCREWING A MARE! THEY WEIGH LITERAL TONS AND CRUSH PEOPLE TO DEATH OUTSIDE OF SEX CONSTANTLY! IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SEXY THEY ARE, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT!? I LIKE NOT EXPLODING!"

Rainbow Dash was the first to speak. "So if you could have sex with a horse without exploding, you would?"

Sunset almost said something, but gave up.

She left, slamming the door.

The room was silent.

"I get the feeling she's angry at us," Pinkie Pie said.

"You think?" Rainbow Dash said, looking embarrassed.

More silence.

Fluttershy squeaked, and then composed herself.

"So, uh… Applejack?" she said. "Were you… really willing to let Sunset Shimmer have sex with one of your horses?"

Applejack blushed. "Uh… yeah," she said.

"I thought that was obvious," Pinkie Pie said. "Why?"

Applejack got defensive. "I mean, the only reason I even offered was I was pretty sure Sunset wasn't gonna hurt any of them or nothin', but…"

Fluttershy swallowed. It was pretty clear that wasn't her concern.

"Is that… offer still open?" she said, as cutely as she could manage.