Something's Wrong With Bob... I Mean Fluttershy
In one of the higher rooms inside of Twilight Sparkle’s opulent castle stood Rarity alongside all of her other friends. With her chin held high, she marched over to the corner of the room to lift a white sheet off a pony manikin. What lay underneath it was Rarity’s latest fashion design—namely, the extra set of bed sheets she’d hurriedly grabbed from Carousel Boutique before heading on over.
“Well,” Rarity began snidely, “what say you all about my latest masterpiece?”
All five of her friends shared a collective glance between themselves before timidly smiling at her.
“I think it’s… uh… great!” Twilight Sparkle spoke first. “You’ve really… really nailed that homey look, Rarity! Why leave the bed when you could just wear it all day long!”
Rarity rolled her eyes at her. “That is the tagline, Twilight. Thanks for spoiling it. But I also have one last thing to show you all today. And I do believe it to be the biggest surprise of them all.”
With that ominous sentence out in the open, Rarity trotted to the room’s only door and locked it tight. She even went over to the windows to slide the curtains across them, casting the room into near pitch-black darkness. Only a few lit candles set up on the floor allowed any of them to see.
Rarity turned back to smile at them greedily. “My silly little ponies—as if none of you could’ve figured out what was right under your very noses all this time. But too late, I’m afraid! Now comes the beginning of the end!”
Pinkie Pie bounced upwards from her spot on the floor. “Oh! Oh! Are you about to unveil your new line of Nightmare Night costumes? Because I so want a Crackle costume!”
Rarity growled deep within her throat. “No, Pinkie. This has nothing to do with Nightmare Night. Actually, this mostly has to do with the fact that you’re all about to be enslaved. Ready? Okay, here we go!”
All at once, Rarity’s entire body was wholly consumed by swirling green flames. What stepped out of the rippling fire was a changeling drone the exact same size as the original mare. One by one, the changeling stared at the five other mares as they gasped and shrieked. All except for Twilight—who only tried her best to stifle a hearty laugh.
Like an annoyed school teacher, the changeling stormed over to Twilight. “Something funny about the end of Equestria as you know it, Twilight Sparkle? I’ll remind you this is no laughing matter. I have infiltrated your ranks! I have thrown your carefully controlled order into chaos! And soon all of your friends will share the same fate as the original Rarity—locked away in Queen Chrysalis’ deep and dank hives for all time!”
Now Twilight had to use two hooves to hold her laughter in.
Lowering his face to Twilight’s, the changeling angrily clacked its teeth together. “Just what is so funny!?”
“Your speech, mostly,” Twilight tried to explain in-between rounds of giggles. “I just knew that whole bed sheet idea was way too dumb for any normal pony to have thought of. Still, nice work, Gary. Good stuff.”
“Wait… what did you—” the changeling known as Gary began. “How do you know my real name?”
That was when Twilight Sparkle also burst into flames and revealed the changeling hidden underneath. The four remaining mares once again shrieked and scooted away from the pair of dark figures.
Gary cocked a brow at the new changeling. “Larry? You successfully took out Twilight Sparkle? That’s awesome! Now we’re two out of six!”
Using a hoof, Gary helped Larry to stand and they bumped their hooves together playfully. Then they turned back to the shaken mares with positively venomous expressions.
“Now we can do this the easy way,” Larry began.
“Or we can do this the hard way,” Gary finished. “Queen Chrysalis only wants total control of Equestria. She doesn’t want any pony harmed. She only wants your love, so—”
Still seated on the floor, Pinkie Pie raised a hoof expectantly.
Gary pointed at her. “Question? Yes? What is it?”
“Could you pull my hoof?” Pinkie Pie asked him.
“Why?”
“It’s a surprise,” was all Pinkie Pie would add to that.
Frowning, Gary leaned forward to give Pinkie’s hoof a quick tug. When he did, Pinkie Pie also exploded into a wash of green flames and reappeared as yet another changeling drone.
“It’s Mary!” Gary and Larry exclaimed, before chuckling together.
The female changeling known as Mary rushed to her hooves to go and hug her hive brothers, leaving the three remaining mares to shake and huddle together.
“Wow!” Larry said once they’d all separated. “We’re doing pretty swell here! Halfway there already! Queen Chrysalis is gonna be so happy when she hears about this!”
Mary smiled brightly at the pair. “What are the odds, right? We all got assignments to impersonate the Elements of Harmony and waited until just this moment to reveal ourselves. You don’t think…”
Letting her sentence hang in the air, the three changelings in the room spun around to face Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash. After a few tense moments, Applejack and Rainbow Dash shared a quick glance before both erupting into flames and displaying their true changeling selves.
Instantly, Mary went to both of them to wrap her forelegs around their shoulders. “Terry! Barry! So great to see you guys again! How long have you been in Ponyville for?”
Terry gave a shrug. “Four weeks or so. Living on Applejack’s farm. Her family’s nice.”
“A little over two weeks,” Barry explained casually. “I tricked Rainbow Dash into a race with her ‘future self’. Or Rainbow Dash two weeks from now. When she got ahead of me, I just threw a burlap sack over her head. It’s incredible how difficult a time pegasi have inside burlap sacks.”
Mary and the rest of the changelings laughed as they stood together. That left only poor Fluttershy alone on the floor—her eyes as wide as dinner plates and shimmering with tears.
Hungrily, Gary rubbed his two hooves together. “So that only leaves one Element left—the Element of Kindness. How fitting. I just knew Bob wasn’t up to the task. What a lazy changeling. Before I left for Ponyville, I heard word he got assigned Fluttershy and that she would be the easiest of them all to impersonate. And it turns out he couldn’t even do that right! What a dork.”
The rest of them readily agreed. “Yeah. Bob’s the worst.”
Just as the five of them got ready to pounce on Fluttershy, did she finally shake off her adorable exterior and become just another changeling drone. Once revealed, the changeling crossed both forelegs over his chest irritably.
“Oh, hey, Bob,” Larry greeted him awkwardly, scratching at the back of his head. “So you made it too. Good for you! I just knew you could do it. How’s life treating you lately?”
“Go suck a lemon, Larry,” Bob answered thickly.
Larry waved a hoof and promptly ignored him. “Doesn’t matter. We’re all here, so you know what that means?”
The five changeling siblings stared at him for a moment.
“That means we’ve won! We actually took over the Elements of Harmony!” Larry finished happily, before he and everyone else began dancing on the spot. Once they all settled down again, they formed a rough circle to continue to discuss.
“So what’s it been like acting as Twilight Sparkle?” Gary asked Larry curiously. “How have you been getting by so far?”
Larry chuckled a bit at that. “It’s been great. Basically, all I do is run the castle library—and even most of that my dragon helper does for me. Then sometimes I make up friendship problems to send to Princess Celestia so she doesn’t get suspicious. Like last week, I wrote a full eight-thousand word letter about how good friends always put the toilet seat down.” He scratched at his chin for a moment. “Still waiting for a response on that one, actually.”
“And what about food? Love?” Mary questioned.
“Easy,” Larry replied with a smirk. “Check out a book? Get a hug. Check out a hardcover? Get a kiss. Buy a hardcover?”
Terry quickly covered his ears. “Don’t think I want to hear the rest of that, Larry.”
Shrugging, Larry told him, “What? Two hugs? It’s awesome! It’s as if everyone in Ponyville wants to give Twilight Sparkle nothing but hugs and kisses. So that just means more love for little ol’ me.”
“Twilight Sparkle is a cute little book pony,” Barry added helpfully, as the rest of them nodded their assent. “What about you, Gary? What’s it been like acting like Rarity? You never seemed all that into fashion before.”
That caused Gary to snort good-naturedly. “And I’m still not. Thankfully, the fashion industry’s run by complete morons. You liked my bed sheet idea? How ‘bout my line of Deluxe Table Cloth Dresses? Sold them all out in only a single day. Once I even sold this famous singer a dress made out of nothing but Swiss cheese slices. I think her name was Lady Gallop or something stupid like that.”
“And where are you getting your love from?” Bob asked, in his oddly deep voice.
“Rarity’s sister—Sweetie Belle.”
That made the five of them loudly squee on the spot.
Gary shook his head somberly. “It’s not all that great, though. Sweetie Belle’s love is like a punch to the gut. It’s so highly concentrated and sugary I think I must’ve gained ten pounds since becoming Rarity. Probably have a few bad cavities too.”
“I’ve been seeing this stallion named Soarin ever since becoming Rainbow Dash,” Barry told them all earnestly. “He’s definitely a keeper. Lots of hot chocolate and long talks and fireplace type stuff. If I really were Rainbow Dash, I’d totally put a ring on it.”
Terry furrowed his brows at him. “But you’re a guy, Barry.”
Raising his hoof, Barry curtly informed him, “Correction: a guy pretending to be a girl. Very big difference, Terry.”
The five other changelings glared at him until his face flushed.
In defense, Barry muttered out, “Soarin whispers such nice things to me at night so don’t you all go ruining that for me, okay?”
Ignoring him for the moment, Bob pushed his way to the center of their small circle. “You’d never guess how I took over Fluttershy’s life. I waited until she was fast asleep and then I kidnapped her. It was like she had no idea what was happening at all. Until she woke up, that is. Then I had to ask her nicely if I could finish kidnapping her. She was more or less all right with it—after I promised to keep feeding her pets for her.”
Gary stared at him deadpan. “Cool story, Bob. But pressing on, I think we’re all forgetting something. We’ve won! So that means we need to go tell Queen Chrysalis about this immediately! Right?”
“I… um… I guess so,” Mary said, not exactly meeting his eyes.
“But we should tell her, right?” Gary continued uneasily. “I mean… this was the mission and now the mission’s over with, isn’t it?”
Mary glanced up at him. “But couldn’t we maybe wait a little bit longer? I doubt Chrysalis expected results so soon, so how could another couple of weeks pretending to be the Elements of Harmony hurt?” She stared at her hooves for a moment. “It’s just that everyone in town absolutely loves Pinkie Pie. And now I’m Pinkie Pie. And if I’m being honest, I always did have dreams of running my own small business. And now I have one! I own a chocolate shop and I get to hoof out sweets to little fillies and colts and sometimes they give me tiny kisses on the cheek! It’s really nice, you know?”
“I do have to admit,” Barry admitted timidly, “besides the whole Soarin thing, being Rainbow Dash is pretty awesome. Getting to fly around all day long while controlling the weather? What a job! Move a cloud over here. Move a cloud over there. And the day’s already done! Back in the hive all I did was sit around and listen to more of Chrysalis’ longwinded speeches. You even think she knows that she spits when she talks?”
Hesitantly, Gary brought a hoof up to his mouth. “Do you… do you all feel this way? That you’d rather be the Elements of Harmony than regular changelings again?”
“Not forever, Gary,” Larry added helpfully. “But it couldn’t hurt to see how far we could take this, right? We’ve already sort of won, haven’t we?”
The other five gave a single nod in return.
“So I guess the first question is,” Larry began gamely, “does anyone wanna switch? I’m willing to fork over Twilight Sparkle for a bit if someone wants her.”
Immediately, Terry raised a hoof. “I’ll trade with you! Applejack’s family’s a whole lot of fun—they all have that ‘rustic’ love taste to them. But before I hoof her over, I’d need to know you could properly play Applejack and not muck it up.”
Larry glared at him. “How could I screw it up? ‘I’m Applejack and everyone’s a sugar cube for some reason!’ Easy!”
“Fine. Then here’s a pop quiz.” Terry went to go stand before Larry. “Say you’re Applejack. What’s the most important thing in the world to you?”
Without pause, Larry answered, “My friends and family.”
Terry smacked him across the face without warning. “Incorrect! The correct answer was of course: apples. Next question: two plus two equals?”
Larry awkwardly rubbed at his reddened cheek. “Four?”
Terry smacked him again. “Incorrect! The real Applejack would feign ignorance until she could safely divert the conversation towards something she could better understand. Namely: apples.”
Nodding, Larry took a step away from him and said nothing more.
“So what should we all do first?” Gary asked happily. “Now that we all know about each other, we could do whatever we want!”
“Extended lunch?” Terry suggested.
“Shopping spree?” Mary added.
“Play with the Cutie Mark Crusaders?” Larry chirped.
“All pretend to be Fluttershy and have a great big pillow fight that ends in a whole bunch of awkward kissing?” Bob replied last. When the silence in the room became too much for him, he changed his answer to, “I mean extended lunch?”
Mary raised her hoof again to gather their attention. “So we all seem to have the day-to-day stuff down concerning the Elements of Harmony, but what do we do if something bad happens? Like… if some giant monster appears out of nowhere and the Princesses ask us to take care of it for them? I don’t think any of us know much about fighting. Only infiltration and love gathering, honestly.”
Barry surprised her with a laugh. “I wouldn’t worry too much about that, Mary. Problems in Ponyville usually only occur at the beginning and the end of the year. We still have quite a while until—”
There was a quick rap on the door that made them all jump.
“Twilight? Are you in there?” Spike asked breathlessly. “Something’s happened that you need to know about!”
In a split second, Larry switched back to Twilight as everyone else did the same. Larry had to shoot daggers at the two Fluttershys in the room before one of them eventually corrected themselves.
“Yes, Spike?” Larry answered as Twilight, unlocking the door. “What seems to be the problem?”
Entering the room, Spike told them, “I just got a letter from the Princesses. Turns out some giant monster appeared out of nowhere and now they’re asking for you six to come take care of it. Says the monster’s in Canterlot right this very second.”
“Oh?” Larry’s ears flattened against his head. “Is there perhaps a backup Elements of Harmony that could take care of it this time? You see… I think I’m feeling a nasty cold coming on…” He weakly coughed into a hoof while he glanced at the other five.
“Oh, right!” Terry added. “I think I have the flu.”
“Migraine. Terrible migraine,” Mary said, holding a hoof to her temple.
“Someone gave me food poisoning. I know it!” Gary eventually spoke.
“I am also in no condition to travel,” Bob answered as Fluttershy flatly, “for I have terrible diarrhea right now and would be a burden to everyone if I left the castle.”
Spike cocked a brow at him. “Too much information, Fluttershy. But, anyways, thought I’d pass that along. I also have a feeling another letter’s coming my way, so I’d try and take care of it as soon as you can, Twilight. That letter was written in all capital letters.”
Larry gulped dryly. “Okay, then. Ready girls? To save the day once more like we normally do?”
None of them answered him.
***
Larry, disguised as Twilight Sparkle, entered Celestia’s personal chambers and immediately felt the overwhelming urge to spin around and run on home. Both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna were trapped in large cages attached to the ceiling—covered in clown paint and adorning colorful and silly wigs. On the floor of the immense room stood Discord the draconequus, busily throwing giant darts at a poor guard stuck to the adjacent wall with what looked like extremely sticky honey. Thankfully, every dart had missed the stallion so far. Although, they were getting closer and closer.
“Twilight!” Celestia exclaimed once she saw them all. “Thank goodness you’ve arrived!”
“Discord has lost his marbles again,” Luna informed them dryly from her cage. “He set his bag of marbles down somewhere and now cannot remember where he has left them. He is now taking his frustration out on everyone. Only you can put a stop to him, Twilight Sparkle.”
Larry looked up to the Princesses. “What about Princess Cadence? Think she’d be available right now?”
Celestia shook her head. “She is busy with the Crystal Empire, Twilight.”
“Shining Armor, then?”
“He is also busy with the Crystal Empire. Please, Twilight. You’ve always known what to do in times of crisis. I believe you’ll continue that tradition today.”
“Okay. Cool. Good pep talk.” Larry frowned and turned to the other five changelings in disguise. Mary, as Pinkie Pie, nudged him along unhelpfully with her hooves. The rest of them only shrugged their response.
On numb and shaky legs, Larry marched towards Discord and lit up his horn. Concentrating, he shot out the biggest spark he could manage and watched as it clumsily missed Discord completely and end up clipping the latest dart in mid-throw. The changed trajectory then caused the dart to miss the captive guard by less than a centimeter between his legs, making him yelp out in fright.
“So if it isn’t booky-mc-book-book-face!?” Discord erupted, spinning around to face Larry. “Come to save the day yet again, Twilight Sparkle?”
Larry groaned miserably. “I guess so. Not like I had much of a choice about it. What’s your weakness again?”
That only made Discord cackle in delight. “Trying to lull me into a false sense of security, Princess? I think not! I’m super mad and super angry and there isn’t a single thing you can do about it! I’m throwing a tantrum and that’s all there is to it!”
Sighing, Larry turned to his five siblings again. Barry, disguised as Rainbow Dash, stuck out both of his forelegs in a grabbing motion. Eventually, Larry nodded in understanding. Now he knew exactly what he had to do to defeat the savage beast known as Discord.
“Just what do you think you’re doing?” Discord asked him, after Larry had wrapped the thin creature up in a hug. “Hooves off the merchandise, please.”
“Stop it, Discord,” Larry softly implored him, pressing himself further into Discord’s mismatched fur and skin. “Knock it off. Right this instant.”
“But…” Discord glanced down at him sourly. “But I want chaos! I want chaos right this instant!”
Larry shook his head. “No, you don’t. You want to cut this out. You want to cut this out right now. How about a nice cold glass of lemonade? A wide slice of cake? That might make you feel better.”
“Lemonade? Cake?” Discord spat. “Stop trying to make me feel better, darn you!”
That was when Bob, disguised as Fluttershy, also wrapped himself around Discord’s middle. He whispered to him, “I should not have come here. I still have terrible diarrhea.”
Once Larry angrily kicked at him, Bob corrected himself.
“I mean stop being such a grump, Discord. Quit being so mean. Bad, Discord. Bad. No cookie for you.”
Less than a minute later, the other four changeling siblings joined in on the large hug circle and slowly weakened Discord by pressing themselves against him and snacking on what love and energy they could feast from him. Tired and sluggish, Discord soon slumped to the floor and quickly began snoring aloud—one thumb shoved into his mouth to suck on.
Larry nudged Barry in the ribs. “Nice signal, Barry. Defeating Discord with hugs.”
Barry looked surprised by that. “Hugs? I was giving you the signal to strangle him.”
That was when the cages and giant darts in the room vanished into thin air.
“Well done, Twilight,” Celestia congratulated her once she descended from the ceiling. “I knew you could do it. Again. And all in under two-and-a-half minutes. That must be a new Discord-defeating record.”
Larry awkwardly chuckled. “Well, you know, magic and friendship and all that… stuff. You know me. Can’t get enough of it. You know the saying: once you make friends, it never ends!”
Celestia nodded. “I do know, Twilight. And to think, I was almost worried about you after receiving those last few friendship reports of yours. What was that one I read last week? True, true friends don’t ask questions when asked to dig large holes in the middle of the night?”
“Best time for gardening,” Larry answered her openly.
“Come. Let us celebrate this victory,” Celestia said, extending a hoof towards the doors. “And let us never again question the motives of the Elements of Harmony—for they are one-hundred percent perfectly fine as they are.”
***
The real Rainbow Dash angrily threw another rock against the black tunnel wall. When it rolled back to her, she scooped it up again and threw it even harder than before. “You’d think we’d be rescued by now, wouldn’t you?”
Sitting beside her, Applejack lowered her hat to cover her eyes. “Thought so. Maybe Chrysalis is already launching her big plan against Equestria. I mean, it was only a couple of hours ago that the six of us finally found each other in all these tunnels. It’s like a maze down here. I’ve been here for weeks already and I still can’t find a way out! And to think—six changelings could be impersonating us right this very second! That just makes me madder than heck!”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “I know of one pony that’s not complaining,” she said, directing her attention to Fluttershy sitting in another spot along the tunnel—two small changeling drones held close to her chest.
Fluttershy looked up at her. “But Rainbow Dash, aren’t they just the cutest little changelings you’ve ever seen? And you know they need love just like anypony else. It’s not like it was their idea to kidnap the six of us and trap us down here.”
A few moments later, Twilight Sparkle reentered the grim scene and sighed. “Tried searching for an exit again. No luck. My magic’s also been severely limited down here, so teleporting seems out of the question for the time being. Our only hope now, I believe, is that whatever group of changelings impersonating us ends up being so terrible at it that no one can take them seriously.”
Applejack shook her head. “A changeling impersonating me? I can’t even find that remotely possible. No one sounds like Applejack but Applejack, you hear?”
Gingerly, Rarity cleared her throat across the tunnel. “Yee-haw, ya’ll! How do you like them apples? What the hay is going on over here? Apples-apples-apples!”
Pinkie Pie stirred from another part of the dim tunnel system. “You say something, Applejack?”
Grumbling, Applejack lowered her hat until it completely covered her face.
Rarity’s shoulders slumped. “So we really all are screwed, aren’t we?”
Author's Note
So this was an odd idea that found me this morning and wouldn't let go.
Should there be more? I labeled it as complete, but it definitely has an open-ended nature to it.
Let me know what you think and thanks for reading! 
A Book Report A Day Keeps The Princesses Away (Bonus Chapter)
Ever since Gary, Mary, Terry, Larry, Barry, and Bob had all revealed themselves to one another, they’d all come to call Twilight Sparkle’s immense and opulent castle as home. It just seemed easier that way. All six of them in the same location; able to keep track of one another and what each of them was up to. Obviously, Terry still spent plenty of time pretending to be Applejack around the farm, as did Gary as Rarity inside her boutique, making sure Sweetie Belle was still alive and not kidnapped or taken hostage or something of the like. Or stuck down a well like what had happened last week.
Larry—the changeling drone currently acting as Twilight—was fast asleep on the couch inside the foyer when Gary slammed the door behind him, startling him awake. Larry rubbed at his eyes to stare at the elegant white mare. “I take it Sweetie Belle’s still alive?”
Gary gave a nod. “Yep.”
“Not kidnapped and held for ransom by disgruntled ex-circus performers?”
Gary raised a brow. “That happens often in Ponyville?”
“First time for everything.” Groaning, Larry left the couch and together they made their way down the hall. “Hungry?”
“No thanks. I’m stuffed. Sweetie Belle gave me such a tight hug before I left I thought I was going to throw up. Truth be told, I’m still not convinced that kid’s a real pony at all. More like a pony-sized sugar cube. Covered in powered sugar. Filled with childish delusions of grandeur.”
“Did someone mention sugar cubes?”
In the castle’s spacious living room sat Terry, currently parading around as Applejack. On another couch were Mary and Barry, acting as Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, respectively.
Barry sighed and crossed his hooves over his chest. “We get it, Terry! You’re Applejack! No one’s trying to take that away from you! But just because you’re Applejack, doesn’t mean you need to be screaming ‘Howdy!’ and ‘Sugar cube!’ and ‘Brother-sister relations!’ all damn day!”
Mary turned to him. “What was that last one?”
Before he could reply, Terry plopped down on a nearby loveseat. “You’re one to talk, Barry. Wouldn’t you agree that outburst was rather… Rainbow Dash-ish?”
Barry smirked. “Practice makes perfect, does it not? And speaking of ponies in need of practice… where’s Bob?”
“Probably in the bathroom again,” Gary replied dryly. “Making out with his own reflection again. Or Fluttershy’s, rather.”
“Something is seriously wrong with that changeling,” Larry admitted, causing the other four to nod in unison. “But he still should be in attendance at our daily meeting. Just to make sure he’s not screwing something up or doing things in public that the normal Fluttershy wouldn’t do.”
Barry brought a hoof to hold by the side of his mouth. “Hey! Bob! Get your fluffy butterfly butt down here!”
Less than a minute later, Bob sluggishly stuck his head inside the room. All around his muzzle was a garish mash of ruby red lipstick, spread around so randomly it was clear he must’ve tried to remove some of it right after being summoned.
“Seriously, Bob?” Barry blurted out. “Making out with your reflection is one thing, but now you’re adding lipstick to the mix?”
Bob softly tapped a hoof against the ground. “I think Fluttershy looks kinda nice with lipstick…”
Clearing his throat, Larry went to stand in the center of the room. “Before we go any further, let’s all drop our disguises. It’s rather pointless to spend both energy and love to keep them on while safely indoors. Confusing, too. Trying to remember which one of you is which.”
“What about that dragon butler of yours? Isn’t there a risk of him seeing us?” Mary asked tentatively.
Larry shook his head. “Nope. Spike’s spending a week with some other dragon named Ember down in Dragon-ville or Denver or wherever it is dragons live. And for some reason, he seemed really nervous about meeting her again. He said he’d need some ‘protection’ this time around in case things got heated between them.”
“So what did you do?”
“Gave him one of my extra pocket knives.”
One by one, the six changelings in the room erupted into batches of green whirling flames, revealing their true forms underneath. The five of them had to glare in Bob’s direction for close to a minute until he finally caved and did away with his Fluttershy guise.
“There! Now I can finally tell who I’m speaking to,” Larry announced, as he stared at the five completely identical changelings around him. “Okay! First thing’s first. We got lucky with that whole ‘Discord situation’ last week. So that means we cannot go around doing anymore of that Elements of Harmony crap. It’s clear we’re not very good at it and, sooner or later, I’m sure it’ll end up blowing our cover. So if someone around town needs help with something—anything at all—run away from them as fast as you can and return to the castle.”
Terry raised a hoof. “But doesn’t running away from problems sound like something the Elements wouldn’t do?”
Larry shook his head at him. “Not unless you first explain that you left the stove on.”
“And what if we’re already standing in the kitchen?”
“Easy. You left a different stove on. Moving on—”
“Twilight! Are you in there? I seriously need your help with something!”
Loud bangs rattled the castle’s front door.
“It’s an emergency, Twilight! Please, open up!”
The six changelings jolted. All eyes quickly settled on Larry.
“Here’s what we do,” he told them in a hushed tone. “We pretend that nobody’s home. Easy.”
“Twilight! You left your front door unlocked, so I’m coming in! Is that all right?”
“Curses!” Larry hissed. “Everyone change! Quick!”
Another blinding wave of green flame ate up the living room. Only a moment later did a green unicorn with a cyan and white mane storm across the threshold.
“Sorry to intrude, Twilight, but—” Her sentence was cut short as she sniffed at the air. “Why does it smell like something’s burning in here?”
Bob—safely as Fluttershy again—told her, “Maybe you have a brain tumor.”
The green mare raised a curious brow. “No, I don’t think it’s that.”
Back as Twilight Sparkle, Larry rushed over to the large poster tacked to the wall with a helpful picture and description of every last pony in Ponyville on it. He dragged his hoof along the columns and rows until he finally came to it: LYRA HEARTSTRINGS—FRIEND.USUALLY FOUND IN CROWDS OR FILLING OUT WIDE OPEN SPACES.
Once he had the information necessary, Larry quickly spun back to her. “Lyra Heartstrings! Friend! Shouldn’t you be in a crowd or occupying a wide open space right now?”
Lyra steadied her breathing and blew a bit of mane out of her eyes. “Actually, I already did that this morning, but that’s not the reason I barged in here like I did. You know how we have our weekly book club meeting later today?”
Larry gulped dryly. “Of course I do! I am Twilight Sparkle after all. And I sure do love me some of those… books! Princess of Hard Covers right here! The smaller the font the better, I always say!”
“Anyways,” Lyra continued unperturbed, “do you happen to recall if it was my turn to bring snacks this week? I’d hate to show up with nothing and have everyone be all mad at me about it.”
Barry used Rainbow Dash’s speedy wings to shoot over to her. “That’s your idea of an emergency!? Whether to bring snacks or not?”
Lyra’s eyes went to stare at her hooves. “I crumble under pressure rather easily.”
“No kidding.” Larry then wrapped a reassuring foreleg around her. “Here’s what you do: bring snacks anyways! Couldn’t hurt having extra food, right? I can’t see anyone complaining about extra treats.”
“Thanks, Twilight. You always know just what to say.” That was when Lyra surprised Larry with a tight hug right around the middle. After a stiff few seconds, Larry eventually loosened and a big goofy grin wormed its way onto his lips.
Over Lyra’s shoulder, he whispered to the others, “Her love tastes like mint chocolate chip ice cream! Come try some before she leaves! Remember: ponies in this town love random hugs!”
With that said, the other five marched over to the pair and also wrapped themselves around Lyra, who only seemed to become more ecstatic with every fresh embrace. It was evident Larry had been right all along: the residents of Ponyville were indeed hug-hungry bastards.
It was only when Bob went in for a hug that Lyra’s body went stiff and her eyes bugged out. She starred at Bob—or in this case Fluttershy—deadpan. “Did you just lick my neck?”
Bob didn’t bother attempting to lie to Lyra. “Yes.”
“There’s a reason you live alone on the outskirts of town, isn’t there?”
“You really should visit sometime,” Bob told her without bothering to blink. “I could show you my shed. It’s where I keep my artwork. My very special artwork.”
Giggling uneasily, Lyra pushed Bob away and turned back to Larry. “Well, I’d better get down to the market to get that food for tonight, but one last thing before I leave: how did you do on your book report?”
“My what?”
“You know—your book report. After we finish a book in book club, we’re always expected to write a paper on the book we just read. You know: what we thought of it; what we liked and didn’t like; what its deeper meanings might have been.” Lyra tilted her head to the side quizzically. “You did do the report already, didn’t you, Twilight?”
“Uhh… well…” Larry’s pupils shrunk as his throat went dry. “Maybe I just forgot about it this time.”
Lyra furrowed her brows and crossed the short distance between them. “That’s odd. Usually you’re the first one done their book report. And usually it’s over ten pages in length and uses words I have trouble even pronouncing.” She held the back of her foreleg up to Twilight’s forehead. “Are you feeling okay, Twilight? If you’re not, I could always send a letter to one of the Princesses to come check in on you or—”
Larry batted away her hoof as he began to laugh forcefully. “Ha-ha! Look who fell for another classic Twilight prank! Of course I finished that book report already! Why… why right now it’s in an entirely different room! Finished and everything!”
“Oh.” Lyra had no real good way of responding to that. “Okay. Joke’s on me, then. Maybe work on your pranks?”
Larry nodded. “I sure will. Unrelated to anything I just said… what was the name of that book again?”
“The one we were supposed to read?”
“Mmm-hmm.”
“A Tail of Two Kitties, of course. You were the one that suggested we read it in the first place. Are you sure you’re feeling okay, Twilight?”
“Completely hunky dory.” Larry bared all of Twilight Sparkle’s bright and perfect teeth for the mare to enjoy. “Now why don’t you run along now and I’ll see you later tonight. Sound good?”
The second Lyra exited the castle, Larry changed back to his original self and spun around to face the rest of them. They all dropped their disguises, too.
Larry watched Mary tremble where she stood. “What are we going to do? If Twilight doesn’t finish that book report, then everyone in town will start thinking something’s wrong with her! And that might bring the Princesses here! And we might be found out!” Her eyes began shimmering faintly. “I don’t want to stop running Sugarcube Corner! I just make ponies so darn happy giving out treats as Pinkie Pie!”
Terry patted her back gently. “We’ll be fine. We only need to keep calm and not start a panic.”
“That’s it, guys!” Barry erupted suddenly, pulling at his cheeks with his hooves. “Game over, guys! Game over!”
Terry shot daggers at him. “What did I just say?”
A loud whistle effortlessly sliced through the room. Again they all turned to Larry, currently standing tall and proud with his blackened chest puffed out as far as it would go.
“Here’s what we’re going to do,” he began confidently. “As a team, we’re going to spend the rest of the day writing that book report and tonight I’m going to go to that meeting and do exactly what the real Twilight Sparkle would do. Be smart, dorky, and cute all at the same time. I know it won’t be easy, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to lose this pretty princess castle without a fight!”
He stared at all of them in turn, eyes as hard as steel.
“So who’s with me?”
They each raised a leg, hooping and hollering.
Larry nodded and hardened his jaw. “Good. Now someone tell me what in Equestria a book report is.”
***
“Found it!” Terry yelled, jumping down from a bookcase with a thick text clutched tight to his chest.
In the castle’s vast, vast, vast library they’d spent a good thirty minutes combing the archives before finally uncovering the blasted book they’d needed. For some reason or another, Twilight’s library had a total of six copies of the same book in stock (four of them signed by the author himself—the first one reading To my favorite purple pony while the fourth one read To my favorite purple stalker—Remember now! 500 feet means 500 feet!).
Terry laid out one of the unsigned copies onto the table in the center of the room. The six changeling drones then formed a rough circle around the oddity, more that a few lips curled upward in disdain.
“So we have the book,” Mary said, before smiling brightly. “Hey! We’re already halfway there! Now we just need to report on it!” She excitedly clapped her hooves together.
“So what does ‘report’ mean exactly?” Larry asked openly.
“It’s an account given of a particular matter, especially in the form of an official document, after thorough investigation or consideration by an appointed person or body,” Terry replied without pause.
Larry was taken back by that. “And how did you know all that?”
Terry shrugged. “There’s a dictionary in the bathroom I sometimes read. Makes you want to get out of there all the faster.”
Larry scrunched up his nose. “Too much information, bro.”
“What do you mean? I thought more information on the subject at hoof would only go on to help with—”
Larry shut Terry’s mouth with a hoof. “Never mind. Forget I mentioned it. So let’s get ‘reporting’ on this thing already. Any idea on how to get the information out of it? Remember: we need that information fast.”
“Leave it to me,” Barry replied, cracking his neck from side to side. “Give me five minutes alone with that book and I’ll have it spilling its guts faster than someone trying to explain string bean theory. I was Queen Chrysalis’ official interrogator back in the hive.”
“Before you were demoted to official doorknob polisher,” Gary reminded him snidely. “What’s worse is that there weren’t even any doors inside the hive, meaning that Chrysalis gave you a made-up job just to get you out of her hair.”
Barry thought on that for a moment. “That would explain the short work days, but regardless… time to crack this book wide open!” With that said, Barry leaped onto the table and pressed his muzzle directly against the book, displaying his saliva drenched fangs as he did so.
“All right, Mr. Book! If that’s even your real name! Tell us what we want to know before I open you up and start dog ear-ing you one page at a time! Don’t think I’m joking here! I once convinced a self-help book to commit suicide you know!”
A magical aura forcefully shoved Barry off the table and onto the carpet below. With a tired sigh, Terry scooped up the spit-speckled book and held it out for the rest to see. “Are you all truly this stupid? This is a book! You can’t just yell at it and expect anything to happen. You read it and learn from it! Simple as that! Here, let me show you.”
The text’s thick spine cracked as he opened it and laid it flat. From some unseen pocket, he pulled out a small pair of reading glasses to perch atop his nose. “Now let’s see here…” Terry scanned the top of the first page and began to read: “Felix was the best of kittens, he was the worst of kittens, he was a smarty-pants, he was also a big dum-dum, he had a sunspot on the floor where—”
With a mighty shriek, Terry slammed the book shut and instantly crumpled to the floor, causing the others to rush over to him.
“What happened!?” Larry asked hurriedly. “Did the book have some evil spell attached to it? Is that why you cried out in pain just now?”
“No…” Terry muttered, holding both hooves to the sides of his head. “It’s… it’s just so… boring! Reading the dictionary is one thing, but…”
“Let me see that,” Barry spoke suddenly. “I’m the second-best Rainbow Dash in all the land. And as we all know, Rainbow Dash is a cool mare who isn’t afraid of anything. So let’s give this reading thing a go!”
Forty-one seconds later, the others could only watch helplessly as Barry writhed around on the carpet, painfully clutching at his belly. To his credit, he had made it past the first paragraph before violently vomiting up all the mint-flavored love essence he’d soaked up from Lyra Heartstrings only moments prior.
“Do ponies really find this reading thing fun? Like some sick, deranged hobby?” Mary kept herself a safe distance away from the book, almost as though it were the cursed object found in the basement of some ancient temple. “So what are we going to do if we can’t even read the book we’re supposed to be reporting on?”
Deep in thought, Larry did his best to ignore Barry’s continued moans. “It’s clear we’ve been going about this all wrong. We’re pretending to be the Elements of Harmony, but we sure aren’t acting like them. Now we need to ask ourselves: what would the real Elements of Harmony do in this situation?”
Bob raised a hoof. “They’d probably go rescue themselves first. I mean, a book report’s one thing, but I’m pretty sure they’d drop that in a hurry to go get themselves out of Chrysalis’ dungeons.”
Larry exhaled miserably. “In this scenario, Bob, the Elements wouldn’t even be in the dungeon. They’d be here. Right here. Right now. Doing what the Elements would normally do.”
“Oh.” Bob pondered that. “Then give me a hint. Does any answer involve the vast consumption of wine coolers, spirited pillow fights, and/or candid pictures that one might regret at a later date?”
That caused Larry to growl deep within his throat. “You know what, Bob? Why don’t you go sit by yourself in the corner and play with some of that shiny paper you like so much? Sound good?”
“You don’t have to tell me twice to go play with shiny paper.”
With Bob thankfully out of the picture, Larry got things back on track. As he spoke, he paced across the room, his hoofsteps completely muted by the soft carpet below. “Having read through Twilight’s personal journal some nights ago, I have come to the stark conclusion that nearly ninety percent of all of Twilight’s problems are solved through friendship; the other ten percent by repeatedly punching things in the face. I am, of course, referring to the Tirek Gets Repeatedly Punched In The Face Incident.”
The four other changelings seated on the floor simply nodded along.
“Each time the Elements have been pressed with something terrible or unwinnable, all they do is bring up friendship and then BAM! Magical rainbows everywhere!”
“I believe they usually hug while this occurs,” Gary added to the discussion. “Some secret hug power they all must have access to.”
Larry agreed. “Very good point. So now it becomes clear on how to solve our current conundrum: form a circle, hug passionately, talk about friendship. With any luck, that’ll unleash some magical rainbow beam that’ll instantly solve all our problems.”
Barry frowned at that. “You honestly believe a magical rainbow beam will miraculously appear if we hug long enough and write a book report for us?”
Sighing, Larry admitted to them, “Well, if I’m being completely honest, I think we’re all screwed no matter what we do. But then again, we do have a whole afternoon to kill, so why not try something stupid before we’re discovered and thrown in prison for all eternity?”
It seemed none of them could argue with that logic.
Back as the Elements again (and begrudgingly accompanied by Bob once more), the six changelings locked their hooves together while keeping their eyes shut tight. Larry—once again disguised as Twilight Sparkle—began the impromptu friendship lesson.
“Dear Friendship God, today I learned just how much I hate reading, and book reports in particular—”
Someone kicked at his shin, making him start over again.
“Dear Friendship God, today I learned just how important friends can be. I had a problem and each one of them wanted to help me with that very same problem. Except for Bob… I mean Fluttershy. Honestly, if Fluttershy makes it over the age of twenty-five without accidentally killing himself somehow, I will be plum surprised.”
Bob took the given opportunity to admit his own learned lesson. “And I learned that you should always give your tea time to cool before spilling it on your lap.”
“Chrysalis curse you to the Great Beyond, Bob!” Larry hissed out between his teeth.
A full minute of silence passed before Larry opened his eyes again. Immediately, his head drooped.
“It didn’t work,” he admitted miserably, breaking away from his brothers and sister. “No magic rainbows or anything!”
“Does that mean we can stop touching each other now?” Barry asked. “Someone’s got a hoof on my butt that won’t let go.”
“That would be mine,” Bob answered with little remorse. “Would you not grab Rainbow Dash’s butt if it was in clear grabbing distance?”
Barry paused. “True.”
“I know!” Gary chirped, Rarity’s trademark curls bouncing atop his shoulders. “Maybe this just isn’t a big enough problem for magical rainbow beams to solve! I mean, don’t they sort of only use those on the big threats? Discord and Tirek and the like? Maybe… maybe we only need to treat this like an every-day-type of problem of solve!”
Larry looked at him with clear worry in his eyes. “What other ways do the Elements of Harmony solve their problems if not for the magic of friendship?”
Gary grinned at them all. “With a grand musical number of course!”
Author's Note
So this is only about half of what I had planned for this chapter, but (once again) I overwrote the thing.
Can anyone explain to me how some authors are capable of writing 1k chapters each and every time? Does stuff actually happen in that short span of words? Impossible, I say!
