This is some bull****
"Oh my hell..." I managed to groan as I awoke from my drunken nap. I was never really one to suffer visitations from that lovely little bitch known as 'The Hangover', but I was definitely feeling a little something right now. My eyes managed to force themselves open, allowing me to see a bit of grass, a wall, and a large dumpster.
Wake up, you moron!
"Fuck...off, Jeffrey." I mumbled to the little voice in my head. He didn't like the name Jeffery for some reason so I settled on calling him that. If he was constantly going to be a prick to me then I was going to respond in kind. You'd think he'd take some pride in that name thanks to the, always lovely, Jeffrey Dahmer. But no, he hated it, so I'm gonna keep calling him it.
I don't know how I managed to get myself back onto my feet, actually I didn't. I kind of just got up on all fours. For some reason it just felt kind of natural. I crawled my way over to the dumpster, knowing very well what this feeling in my gut was for, but even after managing to get up on my two legs, I was too short for the damn thing.
Fuck it, I'll just throw up in front of this bitch. Last night whilst partying my ass off I made the stupid mistake of eating pizza. It has actually been scientifically proven that pizza and mass amounts alcohol do not mix well in the stomach. That being said, I made sure to empty it out, all over the the front side of the over-sized trash bin.
"Ow...fuuuuuck!" I had to admit, it hurt to throw up, and I was still pretty dizzy. All the vodka and bourbon I consumed late last night must not be quite done playing fiddle with the cords in my brain. I can't say I was complaining, wasn't too happy about puking, but a light buzz still felt pretty nice
I grumbled a bit as I crawled my way out into the open, thanking whatever deity watched over me last night just enough for my ass not be spotted by cops and charged with underage drinking and public intoxication.
That's when it hit me, things seemed a lot more colorful than normal. Certainly not like any other place I've seen where I'm from, minus some very nice artwork down in Chicago along the sides of a few, if not all, of the abandoned buildings.
Then things started to seem much more...weird. The first thing to grace my sight were a bunch of colors, the second was that allot of these colors seemed to be mobile. Rubbing some of the blurriness from my eyes I managed to make out that I was surrounded by copious amounts of very tall colorful horses.
Dorothy, you're not in Kansas anymore.
"That joke was bad and you should feel bad."
Perhaps, but then again, I'm not the one standing on four legs right now, am I?
"What?" I looked down at my body, this probably should have been the first thing I should have done. The bastard was right, I am on all fours, not too surprising, but not only that, I have fucking hooves for feet!
I lifted my right hoof and held it in front of my face, inspecting the grey fur that coated it. I also noted that I was completely naked minus the uniform fitting black leather jacket I usually wore. "Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me. This is some straight up bullshit...You did this, didn't you?"
How could I have done this?
"Cause you're the reason for damn near all the bad shit that happens to me, cock-bag!"
Like hell! If anything, I've protected you from most of the shit that you jump into, you insufferable prick!
"Go fuck yourself!"
My yelling seemed to earn me quite a bit of attention. Ponies left and right had stopped to look at the short grey pony yelling at literally no one. I even heard one of the, what I can only assume was a woman, say something along the lines of, 'To think a child would speak that way. There must be something wrong with him.'
Wait, did she just speak? And did that bitch just call me a child!?
I took off back down the ally to avoid further stares and being the victim of rumors and what not. I eventually came across a broken mirror leaning against the side of one of the buildings and used to look over my form. I was small in stature and completely grey with shining blue eyes. I still had my short blonde hair, and a fucking erection on my forehead!
"I am a fucking unicorn!" I wasn't sure whether to be freaked out, or if I should find a way to get a hold of my friends and tell them that I was literally the magnificent beast they practically worshiped in cartoons and online videos. "Eat shit and die, Kevin!" I called out to one of my friends' imaginary friends...who I supposedly ate at some point after they got hit by a train.
My attention was soon draw to a dark silhouette in the ally with me. It looked kind of like one of the stallions in the streets back where I first identified my predicament, but he had a very creepy smile on his face. "Take one more step and I'll bite your dick off."
This was enough to, not only make this creeper's smile falter, but to make him back far, far away from me. "Fucking pedophiles." I know I'm attractive, but I'm like twelve right now. Maybe younger!
So what's your plan, you oh so majestic beast?
"What do you you mean?"
Well, you're clearly not where you should be. In fact, I'd say this is a whole new world entirely. For you, at least. You're also a child from what I've picked up and your normal behavior just scared a full grown stallion. Fitting in may be difficult.
"Fuck fitting in, I'll do whatever I damn-well please." Now that I thought about it, my voice was definitely very childish as well. Huh, I didn't even notice that. I also realized that I'm a horse now, a small horse, but still a horse, which led to a bit of curiosity and me eventually having to sit down and look between my hind legs. "Dude, I am fucking hung!"
That's the first time you've ever gotten the chance to say that.
"Go fuck yourself."
I spent about an hour wandering around, trying to get to know the area as best as I could and take in any useful information. First thing I figured out was that this place was, in fact, ruled by colorful talking horses. I also noticed a shortage of stallions among mares, leading me to believe that this was more of a matriarchal society.
I always knew that one day women would rule the world, but it looks like this place had it coming much faster than mine. I got a few glares here and there, not sure why, I actually kept my mouth shut for a majority of the time. I also noted that the sun was a lot brighter here. luckily for me I had a pair of sunglasses in one of my jacket pockets. Judging from the position of the sun I can guess that it is somewhere around four o'clock in the afternoon.
I saw you glance at that clock.
Shut up! Anyway, I'm not completely sure why my jacket was the only thing that actually came with me, but walking around practically naked was pretty nice. It was one of the reasons I never wore underwear; freedom, no matter how small, was still freedom and it felt damn good.
Eventually I found myself coming up on a restaurant with a group of mares sitting at the table, eating what looked like hay. I can't say I'm surprised, but my recent stomach problems left me pretty hungry. However, I had no money, especially since what passed for money here were small golden coins. Damn, those would be worth a fortune back home!
Wait a minute. I'm clearly a child, I'm homeless, I have no money, I'm hungry as hell, and there are a group of mares sitting in the distance with food. Oh my god, my brain is so devious. Whelp, time to play the helpless child role. I took off my sunglasses and stuffed them in my pocket before poking myself in both eyes to make them water.
With that done I approached the mares, forcing a fake cry with tears and sniffling and all that jazz. The first to notice me was a blue unicorn with a mane that could pass for toothpaste. She wore a pitiful expression on her face as she looked down at me. "Sweetie, are you alright?" Now the whole table was looking at me, perfect!
I puffed out my lower lip before making a few quiet sobs. "I can't find my mommy..."
A series of 'Aww's' filled the air as the unicorn picked me up without even touching me and set me on her lap, wrapping her hooves around me in the process. Wow, this was working pretty well. I already got a free hug...Fuck you guys, I like hugs.
"Poor baby." The unicorn said.
"Who would leave such a cute little thing all on his own?" One of her friends across the table asked.
"Here," A pink mare offered, pushing a plate of hay towards me, "are you hungry? Have some hay fries."
I sniffled and nodded, lowering my head to pick them up into my mouth. They actually weren't that bad, a bit weird at first, but not bad, and rather filling. I made sure to kill off a few more and was given my own chair to sit at while the mares sat there and questioned me.
"So what's your name, sweetie?" The mare, who I learned to be named Colgate just moments ago, asked curiously.
"Oh," Shit, I hadn't thought of that...Wait a second, I can't remember. Why can't I remember my own fucking name? All the ponies here had weird names that actually corresponded with whatever the hell that mark on their asses were. I lifted my jacket to see that I didn't have one. Fuck, think, think, think, think!...Got it!
"My name is Ebah."
"Ebah?" She asked, clearly not understanding the meaning. Of course she wouldn't, which I guess is a good thing.
"Yes, E-B-A-H. Ebah!" The word Ebah is actually an acronym. E.B.A.H. It's also the title of one of my favorite songs. It stands for Evil Brain, Angel Heart; Which, to a lot of my friends, suited me very well. They know I'm an asshole, but swear up and down that I have a heart of gold. Sometimes, I like to think so.
Keep lying to yourself.
Fuck you! Anyway, I turned my attention back to the mares. A lavender coated pegasus looked at me and smiled. "I think that name is adorable, and so unique." The surrounding mares nodded in approval.
"Hey," Colgate began, "would you like to take your jacket off? It's a little warm out to be wearing one."
That sounded a bit weird to hear, but I guess she was right, I was a bit warm, but the heat never bothered me. Back in my place I made sure that 'room temperature' was at least eighty degrees, but I can't really argue too much with the horse people. Can't let them think I'm too weird. I nodded and she used her 'magic', as they call it, to help me squirm out of the thing.
However, the second my jacket was off, all the mares gasped, staring at me in what appeared to be shock. "What?" I turned around to see if there was something behind me and found a small pair of dark grey wings on my back. That's weird, I have a horn and wings. How come no one else I saw earlier had both? It was either one or the other, or none at all.
The mares continued to stare at me in complete silence, Colgate even dropped my jacket...that bitch! That's my favorite jacket! It was the only one I had considered formally acceptable because it was technically a dress coat, don't ruin it! And why the hell are they still staring at me like that!?
This can't be good...
I have no idea why me having wings and a horn was so interesting to the mares earlier, but apparently I was something known as an alicorn, which is supposed to be very rare. However, that was all I managed to figure out as I was hoisted onto Colgate's back and she started walking me somewhere.
She said that this mare, Princess Twilight, would know what to do. Again, don't see why it's a big deal, but whatever. I thought it best not to run. If I really was rare than for all I know there are more creepy stallions out there that might have a fetish for whatever I was. I'd rather take my chances with a princess. Hopefully she wasn't stuck up or anything, cause then we are going to have problems.
I was rather awestruck when I finally noticed the big ass castle smack dab just outside of this place. My eyes refused to come unglued from the massive structure. Was this some weird pony thing; Being addicted to bright colors and anything shiny? Because for me it could just be the A.D.H.D.
When we made it to the castle doors she knocked on it, hard. As if rehearsed the door swung open almost immediately, revealing a purple mare with a horn and wings. So I'm not the only one!
The mare greeted her friend with warm, welcoming smile. "Hey, Colgate! I haven't seen you in a while. What's up?" She peered over her friends shoulder and looked at me. I sat comfortably on the mares back, once again wearing my jacket so ponies would stop staring at me, and waved. "Sup?"
"And who's your little friend?" She asked, still smiling. Jeez, you'd think her face would get tired.
"Actually, he's the reason I'm here." Colgate began, earning me a questioning gaze from the princess.
I threw my front hooves into the air defensively. "Whatever it is, I am innocent."
Twilight gave me a stern 'mhm' as she turned her attention back to Colgate, who continued with what she was saying. "You're not gonna believe this. He's an alicorn!"
The princesses face contorted a bit as she move from her friend's front to her side to get a better look at me. Hey eyes started at my horn and worked their way down to my mid section. Once there she lifted my jacket to find my wings tucked away under it, seeing this caused her eyes to widen drastically. "Colgate, I'm gonna need you to leave him here while I write a letter to Princess Celestia."
With Colgate gone and me now sitting on the table in the throne room, Twilight basically fondled my body. She even tugged on my horn and wings, which felt VERY weird. Why would she doe that? Was she making sure they were real?
She eventually stopped and took a seat in front of me, using her magic to scribble down this 'letter' to whoever the fuck Princess Celestia was.
Beside me stood an over grown lizard named Spike who, no matter how many times I called him out on it, kept claiming to be a dragon. "Dude, I'm sorry, but not really, last time I checked, dragons had wings and could breathe fire."
"I can breathe fire. Watch." He turned his head and blew a small stream of green fire before turning his attention back to me. "See?"
"You are the most adorable Komodo dragon."
"What's a Komodo Dragon?"
"It's a type of lizard." Okay, he got me on the fire thing, but he still didn't have wings and I still wasn't going to stop making fun of him. He growled in a very annoyed fashion at me before hopping off of the table and waddling to Twilight. Once she was done with the letter she passed it over to him and he lit the damn thing on fire. What's the fucking point of that?
The mare looked up at me with a questioning gaze, still as shocked as me that I even existed. "What's your name?"
Going back on what the mares from earlier asked me I responded with the name I came up with. "Ebah..."
"You're lying."
"Excuse me?"
"I said, you're lying. I can tell. I took many psychology classes back in school and read up on several different topics relating to it." She explained. Great, another fucking psychologist, that's just what I needed. "Now, I'm gonna ask again and I want the truth. What is your name?"
I growled at her, making her flinch slightly. I spent my fair share of time in mental wards all over the state I grew up in and in doing that I developed a strong hatred of both doctors and psychologists. "Alright, bitch! You want the fucking truth? I don't have a god damn clue what my fucking name is!"
Twilight was not only shocked with how aggressively I acted, but at my vocabulary. Apparently no colt my age should even know what those words are, let alone be using them so openly. "What do you mean you don't know?"
"I mean, I don't fucking know!" I also didn't like having to repeat myself. "One minute I'm a fucking human, enjoying a kick ass party, drinking myself stupid, then the next thing I know, I'm throwing up next to a garbage bin in this shitty ass town!"
Before I could continue my rant, the small dragon belched and suddenly a rolled up sheet of paper appeared from the flames with a golden seal on the front.
Twilight grabbed it with her magic and silently read it to herself. Naturally I was curious, but I found my curiosity growing to a whole new level. A level that I hadn't felt since I was very young. I tried to reach over and grab it, but Twilight saw me and pulled away...bitch.
"Well then, Ebah, it looks like you and I are going to be taking a bit of a trip." She said with an odd smile, making the scroll vanish into thin air.
"What the fuck do you-" Before I could finish, her horn flashed and my vision was taken over by a bright white light. I quickly close my eyes and slid on my sunglasses. God I hate the fucking light! When I opened my eyes though I was somewhere completely different.
Standing several feet from both Twilight and I were two alicorns. One bright white with a flowing rainbow mane and one dark blue with a mane that flowed like the night. Wow, that blue one was pretty cute...Oh god, am I going local already?
The white alicorn looked like she was about ready to talk but Twilight made her way over to her and started speaking before she could get a word in. "Celestia, we need to talk."
Celestia looked over at me before nodding and walking a short distance away from me with Twilight by her side. I could hear them whispering, luckily for me I could make out just about everything they said. A few years back I suffered some nose trauma which impaired my scent quite a bit. This allowed a couple of my other senses to heighten a little. Mainly, my hearing.
Celestia spoke first. "Is there something wrong?"
"Yes," Twilght replied. "I think that there is something wrong with him."
"What makes you say that?"
"First he lied to me about his name. Then when I called him out on it he told me that he didn't know his name and he started swearing obsessively. He seems to have a short temper, and his colorful vocabulary makes me feel like...I don't know. Something's just wrong! He even claimed that he was a human."
My attention was drawn off of them and onto the dark blue alicorn who seemed to be staring at me as if her life depended on it. It was odd, and very unsettling. I felt like a mouse in the presence of an owl. Ignoring her weird stares, I turned my attention back to the two who had left for a private conversation.
Celestia put a hoof to her chin, seeming to be pondering something. "Perhaps he has faced some sort of trauma. Something that would make his mind break and create a false reality."
"That's the same conclusion I came to. The only real question now is; Just how vivid was this reality he created? If we could find that out then we might have a way to assess how much damage has been done and how we can help him."
They're accusing me of being crazy...That fucking cunt!
Once again my attention was turned to the darker alicorn who seemed to have gotten allot closer to me. I made sure to turn my head to face her completely so she would know that I know she's moved from her position.
She smiled down at me before openly walking in my direction. "Well, hello there. Who might you be?"
"That depends on who's asking. Are you a psychologist?"
She raised a brow at me, clearly confused at my question. "No..."
"Good, then you can call me Ebah."
Before anything else could be said the two departed mares returned from their private conversation. Twilight kept her distance, especially after she noticed the death glare I was giving her. Yes, I was wearing glasses, but I knew that she could feel it...
Celestia, however, made her way over to my other side. Now here I was, trapped between two towering alicorns, with no idea what was going to happen next.
