Cranky's Reasonable Question

by unscrewedunicorn

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Comedy
Length: 1488

While Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer are away, Princess Celestia tends to three inquisitive dinner guests.

Princess Celestia is usually professionally blank-faced when it comes to dealing with irritating dinner guests, but Starlight Glimmer's three new "friends" are a trial she couldn't have prepared for. Now, she must deal with a perfectly reasonable question, from a perfectly stubborn guest.

Pic related.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-05 22:00:01 UTC

How do you get your hair to do that all the time?

In all honesty, it was a perfectly reasonable question. Celestia's mane was a fine spectacle, a river of color that sparkled and glinted ceaselessly, even when there was no light to strike it. It undulated like a calm flame, hypnotic and wondrous. Even Princess Luna's sparkling mane lacked the vibrant color, the sheer beauty of her elder sister's. She had received the question many a time, usually by tiny foals who were too young to know better. For the secret of Celestia's mane was the manticore in the room, a question nopony but a select group knew the answer to. And Celestia would be damned before she let her secret out.

“Magic.” Princess Celestia answered tersely, after seeing the donkey’s unwavering, inquisitive stare. The sun princess had grown peevish, but not with her bizarre dinner guests. No, she was upset with her former student, abandoning her for four hours (or a half-melted ice sculpture's worth) at a banquet with total strangers. While Celestia prided herself on being patient and kind to a godly extent, this was unacceptable. Such was the struggle of being the pinnacle of mercy and rationale.

She even took the extra measure to organize the silverware, for pony’s sake! She thought to herself, levitating a salad fork up to her view, seeing that it was perfectly polished. Such was Twilight Sparkle’s compulsive need for everything to be perfect, even the most useless of details. It was only expected. But what puzzled Celestia was Twilight’s absence, along with her new student’s sudden disappearance.

And who were these ponies? Princess Cadance’s wedding DJ, the Ponyville mailpony, and the donkey from the wedding last month? Celestia narrowed her eyes in annoyance, this buffoonish debacle out of Twilight Sparkle’s usual character.

“I apologize for my rudeness. I suppose I’m just confused… Did Twilight pay you to come here?” She glanced towards the two other ponies, neither of whom seemed particularly perturbed at this situation. “You too?”

“Well she TOLD me there would be some sort of NOSEHAIR TRIMMER in it for me!” Cranky rasped, pounding his wrinkled hoof on the table. “If anything, you and me are in the same boat, sister.”

The princess ignored Cranky's blatant disregard for formality, letting out a quick "tch," before directing her attention to the more respectful guests. “And you?” Princess Celestia gestured to Derpy Hooves the mailpony, the only other pony seemingly in this reality.

The bubbly grey pegasus held up her hoof, swallowing her mouthful of food before speaking. “Well, Princess Twilight told me there’d be food, and a new friend!” Derpy grinned and giggled, a childlike innocence in her crossed eyes. “Plus, I didn’t wanna get in trouble with the princess… she’s so nice to everyone, and this really seemed important, so… I couldn’t have refused!” She reached forward, and took another bite of her muffin.

Probably a bribe. The princess thought to herself, sneering internally.

“Hey, sorry for the holdup, but can I go now?” Vinyl Scratch spoke up, for the first time in hours. All eyes were glued to her, in awe that she could speak at all. “My roommate doesn’t want me makin’ noise and opening doors around the house so late at night, and it’s, like, a quarter past eleven.”

"Of course. I'm not forcing any of you to stay here." Princess Celestia addressed the other guests as Vinyl Scratch strutted out, still bopping her head to the muffled music in her headphones. The princess smiled in relief, wishing for some long-awaited rest. "I think I'll be going as well, and let Twilight take care of this mess." She stood up and pushed in her chair, taking a deep breath in and out. "I'm so, so sorry my former student roped you all into this. I assure you, it will never happen again." The princess began to leave, her hoofsteps clacking and echoing on the marble floor.

"WAIT!" Cranky pushed back his chair, and pointed his hoof accusingly towards the princess. "You didn't answer my question!" His brow furrowed, and his frown grew even more bitter.

"Regarding the nature of my mane?" Celestia found herself raising an eyebrow, not inquisitively, but tiredly.

"Yeah! I'm sure I'm not the only one who's wanted to know. I've been at this dinner for HOURS, and I just wanna know the answer to this ONE THING! I think we deserve to know, it's not a big deal." Cranky sat back down, resting his hooves on the crystal table expectantly. "And I'm not leavin' til I get my answer!"

This elicited a frustrated sigh from Celestia, but still, in her patient ways, she managed to calm herself quickly. "It's a long and winding explanation; I'm sure our other dinner guests would prefer to just go home and call it a night."

Derpy raised a hoof, meekly. "Actually, I mean, if Cranky's already asked, I really have always wanted to know how you and Princess Luna get your hair to do that. It's so pretty, and everyone in Ponyville has their own theories about it. Lyra thinks it has something to do with the wind always blowing in a certain direction, Cloud Kicker thinks your luscious mane is made out of some sort of compressed air, and Minuette thinks-"

"Well perhaps it should stay a mystery, yes? It would be more fun for ponies to speculate about it, than to receive a frankly disappointing answer." Celestia tried to reason with her stubborn and curious subjects.

"With all due respect, princess," Derpy bowed her head a little bit, clearly struggling to balance her curiosity and her formality, "If you just tell the two of us, we won't blab. Right, Cranky?" She turned towards the donkey, her eyes wide with need. She HAD to know.

"Of course not! I don't see what the big deal is. It's just a question, and it's just hair."  Cranky adjusted his golden toupee.

Princess Celestia sighed to herself, realizing that this was the closest to a mutiny she had ever dealt with.

"I just simply can't tell you. It would ruin you. It would keep you up at night, frozen in your bed. You would never look at Luna or I the same way again." She said with an ominous stare, standing imposing and towering over the curious ponies. "No mortal pony could ever understand."

"Is it a wig?"

"NO! YOU FOOLISH MULE!"

The candles in the room flickered, the flames simultaneously disappearing in a wisp of smoke as Celestia began to rise, her angry wings outstretched in a furious, nightmarish stance. The topic in question, her mane, began to flow faster. Such was the terror of the Royal Canterlot Voice.

"YOU KNOW NOT WHAT FORCES YOU INQUIRE UPON, MORTAL. YOU ARE INSISTING THAT I TAMPER WITH A SECRET I HAVE UPHELD FOR COUNTLESS MILLENIA! DO YOU TRULY THINK YOU ARE WORTHY TO KNOW SUCH INFORMATION, A SECRET ONLY GODS HAVE KNOWN? PERHAPS I SHOULD TELL YOU, JUST TO WATCH YOUR INSUBORDINATE MIND BE DRIVEN TO MADNESS!"

The terrified donkey was now hiding behind the flipped crystal table, clutching the derp-eyed mare close. "Nononono! I don't care anymore! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU GET YOUR HAIR TO DO THAT!" He shut his eyes tight, his wrinkles bore into his skin as tears streamed down his face.

"OFF WITH YOU! AND IF YOU SPEAK OF THIS TO ANYPONY, TWO THOUSAND YEARS ON THE MOON WITH YOU!"

The two traumatized ponies didn't need to be asked twice, as they raced out the door of Princess Twilight's castle. Cranky felt his teeth dig deep into his lip to keep from screaming for dear life. Derpy Hooves raced skyward, back to Cloudsdale to find a paper bag to hyperventilate into. They went their separate ways, never to mention this evening again.

"Dear sister?" The moon princess trotted down the castle stairwell, to urgently meet her sister as she arrived. "I sensed a surge of power in Ponyville, is everything alright?"

"Yes, Luna." Celestia laughed, wearily. "Twilight left me alone at dinner for a few hours, with three of the strangest ponies I've ever met. I may have had a bit of fun with them, but will write to them tomorrow morning apologizing... I fear I've frightened the poor dears. One of them kept asking me about my mane. How strange is that?"

Luna joined in the chuckling. "Truly? I thought only the little fillies asked about that."

"Indeed, sister." Celestia yawned. "Little fillies and stubborn donkeys." She smiled and dropped her crown and golden yoke on the floor, slipping off her golden shoes as she walked upstairs. "I need some sleep. Wake me up early tomorrow, alright?"

"Of course." Luna smiled tenderly and nodded, nuzzling her sister before she went to bed. "And Tia?" She called.

"Hm?"

"Do you think you'll ever tell them?"

"Oh, never."