NECROMANCY NONSENSE

by Chadbane

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3010

Starlight Glimmer gets a curious idea after Twilight reads, "A Hearths Warming Tale" and decides to find out if it's really possible to use magic to summon ponies back from the dead. It works--but the results are less than expected...

SPOLIERS FOR "A HEARTHS WARMING TAIL"

(Lol, do I even need to do this?)

A couple weeks after Twilight reads, "A Hearths Warming Tale" to Starlight on Hearth's Warming eve, Starlight decides to find out if it's really possible to use magic to summon ponies back from the dead. With the help of Spike, she experiments with a couple of spells until one works.

Unfortunately, Starlight's inexperience in necromancy leads to her waking up somepony who does not wish to be awoken. This horrible decision to mettle with powers she does not understand with will have disastrous consequences for her, the spirit, and nothing else.

...Mostly the spirit, though. Which is kinda unfair.

NOTE: This is just a quick little story that I didn't feel like developing much further than I did. My usual stories are much longer (although I do not post them on this website very often.) Maybe if this story gets enough love, I'll consider expanding on it. Cheers!

Published 2016-10-02 19:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-10-02 19:50:01 UTC

"Necromancy and Nonsense"

Starlight Glimmer trotted into Twilight's library one lazy afternoon and scanned the chamber for her mentor. Spotting the half unicorn/pegasus focusing intensely on her work at a desk in the corner of the room, Starlight Glimmer approached her workspace and cleared her throat.

"Twilight?" Starlight Glimmer asked. "Twilight, can I ask you a question?"

The lavender alicorn replied with an unconvincing, "uh-huh" and continued to concentrate on her work.

"Um... okay, then. Do you know anything about, I don't know... consulting spirits? "

Twilight flipped a page on the book she was using to reference the scroll in front of her and replied with yet another unconvincing, "
uh-huh."

"You do?" Starlight's ears perked up. "Great! What do you know about it? Is summoning spirits even possible?"

Twilight levitated another scroll from the pile to her left and spread it out in front of her.

"Uh-huh."

"Really?! That's amazing! How do you do it? Is there some kind of magic ritual or something?"

Twilight paused and looked up from her work. A blank expression played on her face until as last she shook her head and said, "I'm sorry. What was that now?"

"Oh, um..." Starlight's previous enthusiasm vanished. "I-I was just wondering if you know anything about summoning spirits from the dead?"

Twilight blinked twice.

"I'm sorry, Starlight, I wasn't paying attention. I have a lot on my mind right now and it's difficult for me to address your question without knowing exactly what you mean. Is Spike around here? Maybe he can help you find the answer you're looking for."

Starlight lifted a brow.

"Spike? He knows about that kindomagic?"

Twilight waved a hoof.

"Pfft! Of course he does! Did you forget who has been my number one assistant since I began studying magic? Anyway, If you're hoping to talk to me, I'm afraid you'll have to wait. Princess Celestia asked me to go over these scrolls they found in the Crystal Empire's grand library and report to her what I find. I only have until tomorrow, so I'll most likely be pretty busy until then."

Starlight Glimmer's ears drooped.

"Oh, okay, then. I'll... go ask Spike. Thanks."

With that, Twilight smiled and levitated the reference book she had been using in front of and got back to work.

Starlight turned around and scanned the rest of the room. Spike sat on a sofa in the middle of the library reading a comic book. As he engaged himself in the action-packed story unfolding before his eyes, Starlight crept up on him and gently tapped him on the shoulder.

"Um... Spike?"

"Huh?"

The purple and green baby dragon quickly looked up from his comic book.

"Oh, hey, Starlight! What's up?"

"Not much." the unicorn replied. "I just had a question for Twilight, but she's kinda busy right now. Do you mind if I ask you?"

"Sure," Spike put down his comic and straightened up. "What's your question?"

"It concerns 'A Hearths Warming Tale.' You know, that story Twilight read to us on Hearth's Warming Eve? So... is it possible to summon spirits from the dead using magic?"

Spike lifted a brow.

"Why the heck would you want to do that?"

"I, um... don't really know? I guess I'm just curious."

Spike tapped his chin.

"You know that story is fiction, right?"

Starlight Glimmer nodded.

"Yeah, but there's no harm in asking questions, right?"

Spike paused and seemed to think that over.

"Meh," he shrugged, jumping off the couch and tossing his comic book to the side. "I guess you have a point there. Alright, let's go find you a book."

Starlight's eyes lit up.

"Really? Thank you, Spike! You're such a--wait..." Starlight Glimmer stopped for a moment and put her hoof to her chin. "There's a book on that?"

"Uh, yeah?" Spike replied with a smirk. "What were you expecting? A hologram?"

Starlight Glimmer tilted her head in confusion, but followed Spike out of the library and into his room.

"Um... Spike?" she asked as she stepped inside. "What are we doing in your room?"

Spike walked over to a bookshelf in the corner of the room and retrieved a large red and gold book from it.

"Here it is," he said, ignoring Starlight's previous question. "'Necromancy for Noobs.' Be careful with the pages, though. It's an older book."

Starlight lifted a brow and levitated the title in front of her as Spike turned to leave the room.

"Wait," Starlight said, blocking Spike's exit. "'Why is this book is in your room? Shouldn't it be in the library in the magic section or something?"

Spike shrugged.

"I dunno. Maybe I thought I could use it to talk to my dead parents. Never worked out."

Starlight's eyes shrunk to pinpricks.

"What?!"

Spike smirked. "I'm Kidding, Starlight. Honestly, I've never read it or thought about putting it in the library. Have fun. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a comic to get back to."

With that, Spike pushed Starlight out of the way and started back towards the library.

"Um, okay," Starlight called after him. "Thanks!"

The baby dragon gave a thumbs up over his shoulder then disappeared down the hallway.

"Okay," Starlight concentrated on the book in front of her while seated at a desk in her room. "Here goes nothing..."

A flash of blue light erupted from her horn as she closed her eyes and lifted her head. Nothing immediately happened after other than a deafening silence.

Starlight peeked open one of her eyes and looked around. There weren't signs of paranormal activity or spirits of any kind. Starlight sighed to herself and tried again. She repeated the words in her head--this time more precisely--and squeezed her eyes shut for the second time. Still nothing. Starlight sighed and closed the book

"So much for studying the paranormal." she muttered.

Suddenly, the lights went out in the room. Starlight sprang up from her desk in alarm and looked around.

"Hello?! Is somepony there?!"

A light blue orb appeared in the middle of the room and illuminated the area around it. For a while, the orb just floated there, until it slowly grew larger and molded itself into the shape of a stallion wearing a bow tie and top hat. Starlight at first froze in fear at the sight of the ghostly stallion, but recovered when she noticed the pony's eyes were closed. Was it possible that the he was asleep?

"Uh..." Starlight decided to creep towards the phantom. "Spirit? Are... you awake?"

"BAH!' The apparition exclaimed, suddenly opening his eyes and bursting to life. "What are you think you're doing?! Creeping up on a bloke like that?!"

Starlight gasped and shrank away. The spirit frowned and seemed to study her for a short time until a horrified expression crossed his face.

"Wait, are you... am I... oh, no! Please, gosh, no!"

The spirit looked himself over.

"No!" he cried, a thick Britlish accent in his voice. "Not again! You bloody unicorn fruitcake! Do you realize what you've done?!"

Starlight stared in complete terror as the Ghost turned to face her and look her in the eyes.

"YOU BROUGHT ME BACK FROM THE DEAD!"

At this point Starlight considered darting out of the room, but as she turned around to leave, his words registered in her brain.

"I'm sorry, what?" she asked, looking over her shoulder.

"YOU BROUGHT ME BACK FROM THE DEAD!" he screamed again. "YOU SHOULD BE HORRIFIED AND RUNNING FOR YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW!"

Starlight lifted a brow.

"I know, but... why?"

The Ghost opened his mouth to reply, but paused.

"Well, because... because... I'm a terrifying spirit! That's why!"

"Okay," Starlight replied, turning around. "But you were a pony once, too, right? What makes your more terrifying now than you were in your previous life?"

The Ghost lifted a brow.

"Seriously?" he gestured to himself with his fore hoofs. "Look at me! I'm glowing all blue and stuff! Can you glow blue?"

"I could, if I whipped up a spell." the unicorn replied with a smirk.

The spirit paused, noticeably taken by the unicorn's reply.

"Huh," he said, thoughtfully. "Walked right into that one, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did."

The Ghost sighed and facehoofed.

"Whatever," he muttered. "Look, I'm sorry about the little emotional outburst I had a few moments ago, but I'm just so bloody tired of you necromancers. Every time.... Every single time! Would it hurt you to dial a different ghost's number? Seriously, there are like a thousand spells in that book! Can't you just leave me alone?!""

Starlighed lifted her brow again.

"Leave you alone? Don't most Ghost's want to be brought back from the dead?"

"What?! Of course not!" the spirit replied, flabbergasted. "What would make you think that?!"

Starlight bit her lip.

"Well..." she looked away from the spirit for a moment. "Doesn't being dead, you know... kind of suck?"

The phantom opened his mouth to speak again, but paused when he thought about it.

"Hmm. I've never really thought about that. I suppose it could, from a certain point of view..."

Starlight tilted her head.

"So... it does suck?"

"What? No! Being dead is fantastic!" the spirit cried. "I've just never looked at it from your perspective..."

Starlight blinked.

"...How can being dead not suck?"

The Ghost sighed and took a seat in mid air.

"It's hard to explain, really. I suppose I could describe it to you like this..."

The spirit stood up all of a sudden and hovered a few feet above Starlight's desk. A moment later, a blue, spirit-like bed appeared out of thin air beneath the ghost and allowed him to sit on it.

"Imagine you're in bed, and all of a sudden you're warmer and more comfortable than you've ever been in your whole entire life. Remember that feeling of waking up on a cold, winter's day and not getting out of bed for school? Being dead is like that. It's cozy and charmingly restful. That is, until a bloody unicorn fruitcake wakes you up!"

The spirit jumped up as the bed went up in flames below him and disappeared.

"Then it feels like you've just been pushed out of bed on the cold, marble floor where it's impossible to go to back to sleep until you've solved your own murder and done something selfless in the eyes of God!"

The spirit glared at Starlight, but the unicorn just blinked at him idly.

"...What are you trying to say, exactly?"

The spirit sighed again and floated down to sit on the desk beneath him.

"Nothing... I suppose there's no point in delaying the inevitable. Alright, lets get this over with. Let's consult the guardians."

Starlight blinked again.

"Uh, guardians?"

"Yes, the guardians!" the spirit facehoofed. "When a pony dies, if they have something unfinished on earth, their guardian angel tells them what they have to do to find their rest. Duh!"

Starlight frowned.

"You know that really wasn't as obvious as you made it sound, right?"

The spirit rolled his eyes.

"Whatever. You in, or not?"

Starlight furrowed her brows.

"What, you mean to consult the guardians?'"

"Yes," the spirit replied. "That."

"My guardians, or yours?"

"Mine, obviously," the spirit rolled his eyes again.

"That wasn't that obvious, either." Starlight pointed out.

"Whatever! The point is, you're in even if you say you're out!"

"...Why?"

"Because we have to consult the guardians for me to go back to sleep! Seesh! It's like you're not even listening!"

Starlight tilted her head inquisitively.

"Wait, if I just woke you up from your eternal sleep, doesn't that mean you already consulted your guardians at one point in the past and found rest up until this point"

The spirit sighed and rubbed his eyes with his fore hoofs.

"Yes... but I have to do it all over again every time a bloody unicorn wakes me up. Capiche?

Starlight put her hoof to her chin for a moment, then nodded.

"I don't know how that makes any sense, but I guess so. Alright. Let's consult your guardians."

The Ghost crossed is forelegs.

"Yes, lets."

Starlight and the spirit stood there fore a good five minutes before she spoke up.

"Is something supposed to happen, or...?"

The spirit checked a watch that appeared on his wrist out of nowhere and sighed.

"Yeah, their running late... again."

"Oh." Starlight looked away. "That's... rude of them."

"Tell me about it!" The spirit rolled his eyes. "This is the third time! The nerve of some ponies!"

Starlight nodded in agreement slowly.

"So... can I ask you a few questions to past the time?"

The spirit lifted a brow.

"Uh, no?"

"Not even one?"

"Yes."

"So I can?"

"No."

"But I just did."

"Yes. Wait, what?"

"Can I ask you another one?"

"No! I mean, yes! Wait, no!"

The spirit sighed.

"You're going to ask me anyway, aren't you?"

Starlight nodded.

"Alright," the spirit face hoofed once again. "Let's get this over with."

"Great!" Starlight levitated a notepad on her desk over to her. "First things first. Why are you wearing a top hat?"

The spirit sighed.

"I died wearing it, okay? It's a long story."

Starlight nodded and wrote down a note in her book.

"Okay, now how did you find rest the first time somepony summoned you back from the dead?"

"Hmm. I think I had to find out who murdered me."

Starlight's eyes shrunk to pinpricks.

"Wait, you were murdered!?

"Of course I was murdered!" the spirit rolled his eyes. "What did you think? I died in my sleep wearing a bowtie and top hat like a bloody idiot? Of course not!"

"Okay, that..." Starlight paused, thinking to herself. "...Actually was kind of obvious. Heh... Please continue."

The spirit frowned.

"Anyway," he began, eyeing the unicorn closely. "I died. Then i lived. Then I found out who murdered me. Then I died again, and then I lived again, then I died, then I lived, now I'm here."

Starlight quoted the spirit word for word on her notepad.

"Okay, was that three deaths, or two?"

"Three, if I remember correctly." the spirit replied. "Death is sort of confusing. It took me a while to notice I was dead the first time around."

"Oh. So, what were you? Like, a wandering spirit?"

"Yes, precisely." the spirit reclined backwards in the air. "But I was already so used to being invisible to everypony else that I didn't even notice. I had no friends, you see. Except for Bloodflower... she was my friend."

"I see..." Starlight continued jotting down notes. "It must have been hard for your friend when you died."

"Um..." the spirit tapped his chin. "Nahhhhhhh, she didn't care."

Starlight lifted a brow.

"Huh? Why not?"

"Uh, because she was the one that murdered me? Duh!"

Starlight stopped writing on her notepad for a second and looked up.

"Wait, what?! Your own friend murdered you?!"

"Yeah," the spirit chuckled, as if he was recalling a fond memory. "Ponies do crazy things when their in love..."

Starlight blinked twice before going back to her notes.

"Okay... do you have a name?"

The spirit all of a sudden frowned.

"Of course I have a name."

"Great! What is it?"

"Well, you see, It's..." the ghost began to tap his chin again. "It's... hold on, give me a second..."

The apparition turn around and began to talk to himself.

"Let's see here... was is Marevin? No, that's too girly... Troty? No, too stubby. Hoofer? Probably not... Blast it!"

Starlight lifted her brow.

"You forgot your own name?"

"Hey!" the spirit crossed his arms and wheeled around. "It's not as easy to recall your name as you think after sleeping for the past one hundred years! I'm not a dragon, you know!"

"Hmm..." it was Starlight's turn to tap her chin. "Point taken. However, I can't help but wonder if that's what you need to do to find rest again..."

The spirit lifted a brow of his own.

"What? Remember my own name?"

Starlight nodded.

"Yeah, that. It could be essential for you to pass into the after life at the end of the world. Think about it--not remembering who you are could have disastrous consequences! What if you're standing in front of the pearly gates of heaven and the angel up front can't find your name in the book of life because you can't tell him what it is?! You'd go to Tartarus!"

The ghost's face somehow went more pale.

"Oh, my gosh! You're right! What on earth are we going to do?!"

Starlight smirked and levitated a dictionary in front of her.

"Maybe read every single word in the Equestrian dictionary? That way I could ask you more questions and we can learn your name! Deal?"

The spirit stared slack jawed for a moment before shaking his head and sighing.

"I hate necromancy..."

Author's Note

Just a quick little story that I didn't feel like developing further than this. My usual stories are much longer (although I do not post them on this website very often.) Maybe if this story gets enough love I'll consider expanding on it. Cheers!

Bonus - "Names and Nonsense"

"Yes! We did it! That is my name!" Zyzzyva threw off his spiritual top hat in celebration. "The very last word in the Equestrian dictionary! Who would have thought?"

Starlight took another sip of her coffee and finished her 30th cup.

"Okay, we got your first name down. What about your last name?"

Zyzzyva's eyes shrunk to pinpricks.

"L-last name?" he stammered. "I... I can't remember! It wasn't an Equestrian name, I think..."

Starlight smirked.

"Don't worry, Zyzzyva. I got you covered."

She whipped out another large book and put it beside the Equestrian dictionary on her desk.

"The Spanish dictionary! There's bound to be a word here for you! And if your last name isn't Spanish, I have French, German, and Swedish dictionaries as well! All from the human world!"

Zyzzyva blinked twice before falling over.

"Somepony, kill me again. Please."