So today my daughter came to me as herself and not her ghost, she asked me if I’ve ever killed somepony. She knew I was in the Guard, and she knew about the war. “You keep reading those old war stories.” she said. “So, you’ve must killed somepony.”
I was in shock. It was a difficult moment… But I did what I thought was right… I lied. “Of course not.” I told her, I then pulled her in close and nuzzled her. In which she returned. Someday I hope, when she is a mare and no longer a filly, she will ask me again. At that moment I wanted to pretend she was already an adult, I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to tell her everything she said was right.
The poor gal, a mare of no more than seventeen. I feared her, not afraid of her leather wings or the fangs she bares…. But I was afraid of something. As she walked down the frost covered trail I grabbed an explosive crystal and threw it… That would be her death.
But that's not the whole story.
It was the Dark Month. The time when the long nights would kill those unlucky enough to have a hearth, the ponies like me. My regiment and I were at the ambush site, we were told by the Griffon militia that an entire Lunar brigade was making their way through the old mountain pass. We were working in two pony teams. One on guard while the other slept, changing shifts every three hours.
I remember, the fire had just been put out when I was awoken by Star Blazer. It was time for the final shift until the sun would begin to creep over the horizon. At first my body refused to move, my hooves seemed like they were locked in cement, grasping for my helm and spear. I reached and found the cloth where Star Blazer laid, I got up and made my way to the look out point. I grabbed my saddlebag and pulled out some frozen bread and some explosive crystals, sitting down I started to crunch my way through my early morning meal.
Then maybe an hour later, like golden swords piercing the darkness, the sun began to rise. From my position behind a snow drift I could see around twenty or so meters up the trail. The cold was relentless, I wanted to wake Star and ask if he had a spare blanket, but I thought it was most likely a bad idea. But before I could contemplate any further I saw a pony come out of the drifting snow, she wore a dark armor chestplate with a silver decor, she was a scout and not one of ours.
Her ears were flicking side to side as if she had heard something in the woods adjacent to her. But her overall posture was relaxed, signifying that she had not noticed me. She carried a small dagger in her mouth and moving with no haste up the trail. It was then when I realized the silence, there wasn't a sound to be heard. Or at least none that I remembered.
I then took a crystal in my magic, I went prone. I didn’t even think, it all came so naturally. I did not hate nor fear the mare, nor what she fought for. I did not think of military training or the taboo of murder. I kept my head low, suppressing whatever thoughts my mind was trying to conjure.
I wish I could redo it all. Nopony needs to die. But in the heat of the moment I threw the crystal without a second thought… She didn't even react, she kept trotting. The crystal landed at her hooves, it was in that moment I saw her face, a face of fear. When I try to remember her face all I see is my daughter, she saw the crystal and the air reeked of fear.
The flash is all that could be seen, it was blinding. Reminiscent of the gates that lead to Valhalla. But a feast with the gods of old wasn't waiting me on the other side. Just a body of a poor farm filly who likely hadn't even held a weapon till a few days ago. I left the relative safety of my position to inspect the aftermath.
She didn't die, yet instead laid on the gore covered snow mutilated. Her face half burnt, and with her one good eye turned to me. “Please… K-kill me.”
She continued to beg for mercy, but I was too much of a coward to end her suffering… I ran, I ran back to camp leaving the young filly scout to die alone in the cold.
I ran backed to the Celestial Base, I informed the captain of the Lunar scout and was congratulated for my “valiant” efforts. I was dismissed and left to guard the base while the battalion went to set up the attack.
We ambushed the Lunar army and won the war. I was given the Celestial Medal of Courage… I left a child to die and was awarded for it. Maybe. Maybe one day I will tell my daughter the truth, even if she doesn't ask.
I hope that what happened during that war is never forgotten. But I also hope that my daughter's generation and no pony after her will ever have to go through anything remotely similar to that war. I don't want anypony to forget, and if I had to do it all over again. I would have never joined the guard… It was a choice between two evils.
But evil is evil, lesser, greater, middling... It makes no difference. The degree is arbitrary. The definition's blurred. If I am to choose between one evil and another... I'd rather not choose at all.
I thought this journal would help, I thought that if I wrote it all out I would get over it. It gets so hard to walk around this world of peace knowing what I did. I, I just want to let go. I want it to stop. I want life to stop.
