A Funny World We Live In

by God_of_Awesome

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Human, Comedy, Romance
Length: 8015

It starts as a nice sleepover in Applejack’s barn when the topic of the town’s local prostitutes is brought up. It spirals out from there. Trigger Warning: Lemony Narrator

It starts out as a nice sleepover chat about what the local red-light district has to offer, if it even counts as a red-light district and what exactly does everpony like near their loins.The story spirals from there, veering off to do its own thing, so who knows. Trigger Warning: Lemony Narrator

Arc 1: The Brothers: Three giants show up in town, ready to catch up with modern Equestria and make friends with the heroines. Too bad they’re also a little bit giant jerks.

An explanation of the tags:
[Alternate Universe] Lots of world building and fast, loose plays with canon.
[Human] As part of the world building, they’re another race that lives in the world.
[Sex]/[Romance] Nothing explicit, lots of talking about and misunderstandings about love and lust, mostly in service to the comedy. Lots of my favorite ship; Unrequited.
[OC] Oh, so many, some of mine, some from the fandom, just everywhere. I try to keep the focus on the girls though.
[Crossover] This thing will be so chuck full of references to other media and especially other pony stories, up to and including alternate versions of characters.
[Comedy] With everything else, perhaps the driving force of this story.
[Adventure] Too many tags, for one, but apparently get coexist with Slice Of Life. The episodic nature of this fic will have it dive between the two.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-07 03:20:01 UTC

Six Chicks In A Barn

I sit atop the Planck-thin divide between this world and that world and that world and that world too. I lay nestled in the (0,0,0,0,...) coordinates, the Origin Point, the center of Everything. Infinitely finite, endless in sight, I gaze out towards other planes in search of amusement, to wile away the boredom of eternity. This is what I saw and what I had to say about it.

~

So, you’ve got these six chicks, right? Just chilling in a barn, it’s late at night, they’re in their jammies. Or they’re naked. Like, they’re ponies, so they could just be naked. They’re mostly naked. Pinkie Pie’s got these footie pajamas and Rarity’s in a thin see-through negligee that’d give Spike cardiac arrest in both his little dragon hearts even though it’s nothing he’s never seen before.

Where was I? Six girls, sleepover in Applejack’s barn and, oh yeah, bam! They’s talking about sex.

Rainbow Dash raised her hoof. “Hold on, wait, we got a red light district?”

“Oh, indeed, Rainbow Dash.” Rarity waved a hoof from on top of her couch because yes she brought her couch, of course she did. “Ponyville is proud to host four practitioners of this world’s oldest profession.”

“Oh, alright, four hookers does not make a district,” Rainbow said to Rarity. She whipped her head over to Twilight, “Twilight, does four hookers make a district? You need like, uh, sixteen hookers, right?”*

“Well.” Twilight looked up from her book, because of course she had a book. A historical account of the Griffon Unification Wars, by the way. She rolled her eyes in thought,  “Municipal law is-”

“Boring!” Rainbow Dash cut her off. “Ponyville’s too small a town to have a friggin’ red light district! Do they all just hang out at the same corner or what?”

Applejack scowled down from her throne of hay bales. “Ponyville ain’t that small. We got about, what, four thousand ponies, right?”

“No, no, I’m sorry, Applejack, four thousand is small town,” Rainbow Dash said, prodding the hay bale throne.

“Practically a village,” Rarity added.

“Well, no.” Twilight butted in. “It’s fairly average for a small town but not anything more.”

“I don’t think my horse sphere would be able to handle more than that,” Pinkie Pie said.

“Well, I like it,” Fluttershy said, very quietly.

Applejack huffed, her local patriotic pride damaged but not finished. “Anywho, sugar, to answer your question, all the town’s whores live next door to each other, so we all call them four houses the red-light district.”

“Oh,” Rainbow Dash said. Then she perked up with a squint. “Wait, why?”

“Uh, ‘cause that’s what you call a place where all the whores live. Work. These ones work where they live.”

Rainbow stamped a hoof in slight annoyance. “No, I mean, why do they all live next to each other?”

“Silly Dashie.” Pinkie Pie reached across the circle and booped her on the nose. “Cause that’s what you call a red light district. Try to keep up!”

Moving along, Applejack rubbed her chin. “That’s a good question. I don’t rightfully know. Twilight, any municipal thingies?”

“Well, Rainbow Dash is right, Ponyville’s a bit small to have an official red light district,” She said. “So either it’s a coincidence, or informal arrangements were made, with each other or the Mayor, I imagine.”

“So, dang it, how did I not know about this sooner?” Rainbow Dash fell back on her haunches to gesticulate with her hooves. She shook them with raw exasperated disappointment, that she did. “Don’t I live here? How does the egghead know about the hookers before me?”

Twilight glowered at her without saying anything.

“Um, well, you ain’t exactly involved in the community on a social level, sugar,” Applejack said, “You live up in your cloud house when even all the other pegasi shack up down here. You spend a lot of time in Cloudsdale too.”

“What? I get plenty involved! Look at me, I love being the center of attention!”

“Indeed, but you don’t exactly stick around the crowds to chit-chat, dear,” Rarity said, pointing with her hoof. She smiled then. “Although, I feel quite privileged to be one of the few ponies close to the amazing Rainbow Dash.”

“Ah, uh, thanks, Rares, I, uh, I am amazing.” She shook her head. “Anywho, what about these hookers, who’re they? Rainbow Dash wants to know about the hookers.”

“Hm.” Rarity looked thoughtful. “Well, one’s a mare, a thestral with this adorable Rusky accent. She’s a dancer, you know? Positively a feminine beauty!”

“Eh, you feel a little batty, Rarity?”

“Rainbow!” Twilight said. “That’s not nice!”

“And inaccurate,” Rarity said. “When my eyes wander that way upon a mare, it's of the harder variety. Powerful, masculine. Like you, actually. Or Applejack.”

Applejack perked up and Rainbow Dash frowned. “Uh.”

“Oh, don’t be like that, either of you. Our relationship is far too platonic now to ever change into anything other.”

Rainbow Dash went through a couple of motions. She scowled at Rarity, at the ground, raised a hoof, looked up, opened her mouth, closed her mouth, looked back down and then, finally, at Applejack. “Did we just get friendzoned?”

“Why the disappointment, darling?” Rarity flipped her mane, turning away all coy-like. “Looking?”

“Uh, yeah, no, you’re not my type, Rares, sorry.”

“Oh.” She turned again, and suddenly settled a heck of a lot more focus on ol’ Dash. “Then what is your type, dearie?”

“Actively avoided,” Rainbow Dash said, with a tone of finality.

“She thinks stallions will make her girly!” Pinkie Pie said, with the tone of someone who doesn’t get what a tone of finality is.

“Gosh darnit, Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash swore as much these ponies seem capable of. “I told you that in confidence!”

“You wha? I didn’t know that!”

“The Pinkie Promise was implicit!”

Twilight dropped her book, which is when you knew it just got real. Her eyes were wide and her mouth briefly gaped. “Pinkie Promises can be implicit?”

One did not simply see gears turning behind Twilight’s eyes, since that’s actually Twilight’s base state. Instead, her friend got to watch those gears cataclysmically throw a screw loose. She started desperately reviewing past conversations, checking to see if there were any unspoken Pinkie Promises there that she, subsequently, broke and therefore made her a bad friend.

Before that train of thought could keep derailing, Super Pink swooped in and saved the day. That is, Pinkie Pie pounced across the circle and tackled Twilight to the ground. She sat up on her haunches, one foreleg thrust into the air, the other firmly holding Twilight’s face against chest. Hot diggidy dog, that is a fluffy chest.

“Pinkie Promises are never implicit!” She declared, “They are always explicit rituals enacted by the promising party, with willingness and consent!”

“Yes, thank you, Pinkie Pie,” Rarity drawled. “You can let go of her now.”

“Okie dokie!”

Twilight pushed off of Pinkie, gasping for air. The latter mare just smiled, cartwheeling back to her spot in the circle.

“See, darling?” Rarity cooed soothingly to her opposite other across the circle. “No social ambiguities here. Everything is clearly stated. RIGHT, Rainbow Dash?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Rainbow Dash turned to her right, “Sorry for freaking you out, Twi’.”

Twilight’s breathing slowly steadied. “Thanks, Rarity. You too, Pinkie.” She got a serene nod and a salute respectively. “And it's okay, Rainbow Dash.”

“Now, what were we talking about?” Rarity said. She idly flexed her legs as she counted through the subjects. “Pinkie Promises, masculine mares and feminine stallions and, ah, yes, prostitutes.”

“Feminine stallions?” Rainbow Dash said, “You like girly colts too?”

“Well, please, you remember Trenderhoof and Blueblood, right? Those two were exactly my type, physically, even if personally they turned out be abysmal.”

“Well, hey now,” Applejack said. “Trenderhoof turned out alright, if a little wrong headed.”

“His taste in mares left a me to be desired though.”

“I hear ya.” Applejack nodded. She turned from the mare to her left to the one on her right. “Now, what I’m more interested in is why Rainbow Dash thinks colts will make her girly.”

“Nope!” Rainbow reared on her haunches, crossing her forelegs. “We’re talking about hookers now. Rarity, who’s the next hooker?!”

“The way you say it makes it sound like Rares is one of them pimps actually bringing you whores,” Applejack said.

Rarity gaped. “Oh, could you imagine it? I’d have to dress all gaudy! And those horrid hats.”

Pinkie giggled, “And Dashie sounds like one of those fat science fiction villains, that keep demanding pleasure slaves?” She threw her voice real deep. “Oompba cha keepa! Ho ho ho!”

“Okay, you bring me a guy that can pull off a metal bikini, and we’ll talk, Pinkie Pie,” Rainbow Dash said. “Anyway, hookers!”

“Right, dear, if you insist,” Rarity said, “Who else was there? Right, that bipedal fellow. His name escapes me-”

Pinkie Pie supplied, “Ting!”

“Right, Ting! Some kind of hairless monkey, Ting.”

“He’s a human,” Applejack said.

Rainbow Dash looked at her. “How do you know-” She started, before getting cut off.

“Humans, of the family of sapient hominids,” Twilight said, “Which also includes the races of kongs, orangutans and yetis.”

“Yes, thank you, Twilight. You too, Pinkie, Applejack.”

“They’re closely related to the sapient jotunids,” Twilight said, “Such as the orcs, oni and ogres. Together, the two racial families make up the race group of simia.”

“Thank you,” Rarity said, “Twilight.”

“Once, it was believed humans were part of the jotunid family, because of their shared near furlessness,” She kept on going, “But anatomical evidence firmly set them among the hominids.”

“Twilight!” Rainbow cut a foreleg in front of her face. “Hookers!”

“Actually, this town’s first librarian was an orang- oh, dang. I went off on a tangent, didn’t I?”

“Hooookersssss….”

“You sure are obsessed with them whores, Rainbow Dash,” Applejack said.

Rarity sighed, real dramatic like. “I had best sate her curiosity before she explodes.

“Alright, Rainbow Dash, the last two of our town’s prostitutes are a pair of stallions, one a simple earth pony, so he has some stiff competition in the exotic department, and the last one a zebra.”

“Oh, that zebra is cute!” Pinkie said, “He’s got this clumsy stumbling thing going on, like, ‘I dunno what I’m actually doing here,’ but then he always pulls through in the end.”

Twilight looked wide-eyed at her, “Wait, Pinkie you mean you-”

“Uh, yeah! There’s a party in my pants, and everyone’s invited!”

“But you don’t wear pants.”

“Neither was the human!”

“I thought you were with the zebra.”

“Yes. And the thestral. And the pony. Everyone was invited.”

“Oh my gosh.”

“I saved up my bits.”

Rarity’s face tried to remain serene whilst Pinkie laid out her little confession. Rainbow Dash just gawked in naked envy. Applejack had a level look on her face, like there were still apples on the tree but she long ran out of bucks to give.

“Actually,” Applejack said, leaning toward Rarity. “That pony whore fella’s too clever by half, if you ask me. I caught him staring at me while I was ponying my booth and next thing I know that thestral mare’s there flirting up a storm.”

Rarity, glad to get off the subject of Pinkie’s Passionate Pentagon, in extreme detail, gave Applejack her full attention. “Oh, do you think he read your preference at a glance?”

“Not well enough.” Applejack grimaced. “When I find a pony to be with, she’s gonna be special somepony, not some kinda pay-per-fling.” Her face took on an expression of wistful longing. “I’ll take her on long walks through the orchard while the sun sets, take her to my favorite hill and watch the stars, confess my love to her under an apple tree bloomin’ in the spring.”

Now, Rainbow Dash’s attention was grabbed, for which she was glad. Pinkie had began describing what she and her tetrad of tramps did with some doilies. Twilight had this dead look in her eyes by then, but Rainbow was pretty sure Pinkie was making it up by this point.

“See, it’s stuff like this why I stay away from guys,” She said, jabbing a hoof at Applejack.

Applejack shot her a dirty look while Rarity quirked a brow and asked, “So it isn’t colts that’ll make you girly, but romance?” Rainbow Dash nodded vigorously, making Rarity shrug. Rarity turned to Applejack and added, “But my, my, Applejack, I don’t share Rainbow Dash’s opinions but I share her assessment. That was quite a romantic spiel you just gave. I would have never expected that out of you.”

Applejack brushed some of her mane aside, orange fur glowing red. “I rightfully don’t know where that came from, actually.”

“Truly, if you and I weren’t already friends, I wouldn’t mind getting taken in by you.”

“Uh…” Oh look, Applejack just got redder.

“Just imagine it. I, the jaded, worldly city girl, just looking to hide away from it all.”

“You grew up in Ponyville.”

“And you, the naive, romantic country girl, her heart still open to the world.”

“Naive?”

“Will you teach me to love again?”

“Where are you going with this?”

“And will I teach you unleash the carnal animal within?”

“Wait, what?”

Rarity started sitting up, gesticulating to emphasize her narration, “When will we finally get to the part where you RIP off my bodice and just THROW meeeeEEEK!!” Her movements were too wild and sudden. When she shot up, she threw her couch back, upending it and her with it.

“What’s a bodi- RARITY!” Applejack pounced up to the top of her haybale throne to see over the couch.

Rainbow Dash cackled like a maniac, falling on her back, “I’m weak! I’m WEAK!”

Rewind back a bit, Pinkie Pie waved a hoof in front of Twilight’s face, “Oh wow, I thought you Canterlot ponies would be used to this kind of thing. Like, seriously, I thought you guys were up to some Fun With Castles type shenanigans over there.”

That snapped Twilight out of her funk, “Wait, what? What exactly do you think happens in Canterlot?”

“Oh, all kinds of stuff!”

“What kind of stuff?” Twilight asked. She then proceeded to wish she hadn’t, because Pinkie Pie gleefully answered.

In detail.

The dead look returned to Twilight’s eyes.

Rarity raised a hoof above her couch, “I think it’s time we all settled down for the night, don’t you think?”

Twilight shoved a hoof into Pinkie’s mouth, “Agreed!”

Fluttershy, for her part, was far ahead of them. She had long ago fainted.

Somewhere around the point where Pinkie Pie elaborated exactly where the spoon went.

_

*Fun fact, ponies use base eight. They count by lifting and lowering their hooves, or just their front hooves and by canting their head side to side. Or they, you know, just do it in their head. Now, translation convention is being used here**, so 16 is still 16. It is roughly equivalent to 20, in that it’s the base number x2.

**For example, ponies do not speak English, they speak Equestrian. What you see and hear has been stripped down and rebuilt so you may better understand.

~

Three pairs of glowing eyes lit up in the shadows at the very edge of the Everfree, looking out and over the opposite edge of Ponyville. This isn’t that unusual because it’s a cursed forest. No place worth the name isn’t up to its eyeballs with glowing eyes out of the shadows. I mean, c’mon.

The yellow glowing eyes said, “My, my, gentlemen, I do think we found the place.” It had a whispery crackle to it, with a Southern Gentleman accent.

The blue eyes said, “¡Aye, si, hermanos! We are going to befreunden das heck outta these frauleins!” It jumped, burbled and trickled between accents, with chunks of different languages thrown in haphazardly like ice in an arctic ocean.

The red eyes said, “Indeed.” This one had a gravelly tone, two tectonic plates in his throat grinding together.

Very mysterious.

Some Introductions

Alrighty, where we at here? Couples days after the sleepover, but still at Applejack’s farm. Applejack is doing what she does best, jacking up some trees for their apples. She works ‘em over for everything they’re worth, sun’s high up in the sky and she’s working up a sweat. She’s about ready to take a break now.

Suddenly, Gigantor appears.

“Huu-eey!” She wiped the sweat off her brow and I hope I got that onomatopoeia right. “Lookin’ like I got enough apples for day, I think.”

“Greetings.” And that there was a voice like two rocks being ground together into gravel.Or tectonic plates, maybe you recognize it.

It came from behind her, and she turned to face whoever and whatever this was. What it was was a leg. She had to crane her head up to get a better look at him. What he was was huge. Like, imagine whatever size class Celestia was, and now imagine there was a Big Mac version of that. Not an alicorn though, just a really big earth pony.

“Howdy!” Because, sure, he could step on her, but there were country hospitalities to be observed. She even waved at him. Smiled.

He scowled down at her with red sclera. No, no, he scowled more. He was already scowling before. In fact, he might always be scowling. “Wait, can I start over?”

Applejack smiled patiently. “Sure thing, sugar.”

“Howdy.”

“Howdy!”

That’s when the giant looked askance to one side, as if to ask Now what?

“So, mister, how can I help you?” Applejack took a few steps back so she wouldn’t have to crane her neck so high.

“I am.” Then he paused right there after that simple declaration of existence. It was marvelous and philosophical statement, if somewhat pointless and off-topic. “Tellus. I am Tellus.”

“Well, Tellus, I’m Applejack.”

“Howdy.”

“You already said that.”

He scowled at the air above her head. “So I did.” He looked as if he were thinking I sure hope my brothers are having a better time of this than I am. Because that’s exactly that he was thinking.

~

In the middle of the crystal tree’s foyeur, a bubble just grew out of the ground, right there in front of the princess. It expanded rapidly in a split second to a size even larger than Twilight. The poor girl hopped back with a flap of her wings and fear in her eyes.

The opaque bubble popped, revealing the form of giant blue unicorn stallion, grinning wide and manic eyed, “Suh-prise, apple buck-!”

Around that point, a beam of focused purple magic took him in the side.

So, no, this one wasn’t having a very a good time at all.

~

Outside the crystal castle, Starlight Glimmer set her binoculars down. She wore a shocked and worried expression on her face. “Dang, Sparkle.” A flicker of her horn brought up a notepad and she made sure to leave a reminder that Twilight had the unicorn equivalent of just the meanest left hook.

~

Rainbow Dash laid on a cloud, just sprawled out and looking at the sky. She was thinking about stuff, like where her life was going, where it’s been and serious stuff like that. I’m cutting in here at the point where that train of thought derails into sex.

It’d be great if I could just get a guy but not have to deal with him, ya’know? Maybe not just him either. I could have so many dudes. I’m Rainbow Dash, I could get a harem. All the guys’d be lining up to be my pleasure slaves. I’d be a great harem master! Man, now who would be in my harem?

Then came a richly detailed visual image. It started with her, seated on a throne of stone. She switched between brooding like a barbarian heroine contemplating her conquered kingdom, or smirking like the barbarian queen’s daughter sneaking on her mother’s throne when nopony’s looking. Panning down, we see chains wrapped around her front hooves that lead down the steps to her throne.

Splayed out around her was her harem, posing provocatively for her pleasure, either looking longingly up at her or somberly off to the side. There was Big Mac, Soarin, Braeburn, Thunderlane, the ice skiing guy from that cult she couldn’t remember the name of. Who else was there? Shining Armor? Yeah, he’s hot. Don’t judge her. She’s allowed to dream.

Man, I’d be like Queen Ichpochtlifrom Daring Do And The Tribal Queen! Yes, I am the queen and you all are here to tell me how awesome I am!

“Rainbow Dash?”

Rainbow Dash snapped out of her fantasy on hearing her name. She rolled and looked over the side of her cloud, down at the ground and at three wee fillies.

“Why were you laughing like a crazy mare?” Scootaloo asked.

“Maniacally,” Applebloom added helpfully.

“Mani- dangit,” Sweetie Bell tried to add helpfully, but failed.

Dash rolled back on her cloud, staring up at the sky. Now what she was thinking about was how she’d rather be anywhere else but here. She was thinking how she’d really like to get back to her barbarian queen harem fantasy, but it was gonna be difficult after this without some kinda assistance.

Hold on a tick, She was thinking, There’re hookers in this town! More importantly, they were somewhere else in town, where small fillies asking her uncomfortable questions were not.

“Oh, wow, that guy is huge!” One of the fillies said.

That’s what I’ll say! Rainbow Dash thought, hopping to her feet and tensing, ignoring the shadow passing above her.

“Well, excuse me, madam-” The giant blue pegasus began. His size aside, even he got caught up in the void wake of Rainbow Dash’s sudden departure, “-oh my!”

The stallion pulled himself out of the spin and slipped precariously on top of the cloud too small for his stature. He flapped enormous white wings and extended a fluffy white tail out underneath himself, settling on it as if it were a cloud instead.

He looked down from where he was perched on top of himself in what is some M.C. Escher bullhuckey if you really think about it. Down on the ground, three little fillies gazed up in wonderment. “Well, howdy there, little ladies.”

“Gee, mister, why are you so big?” Applebloom asked.

Scootaloo jumped in front of her. “I mean, you gotta get some gnarly distance on those things! How do I get some?”

The stallion snorted, standing up from himself, really confusing sentence to write. His wings spread out, shadowing the girls, and gave a flap. He furled his tail from under himself, hovering still. “It’s ungentlecoltly of me to leave you lovely young ladies hanging but I simply must be off. If Miss Rainbow Dash can’t be tracked down, I’m sure I can get acquainted with Miss Fluttershy instead. Now, you three fillies stay outta trouble, ya hear?”

The sound his wing made as he buffeted the air drowned out anything else the three had to say. The stallion took off, heading toward the edge of town.

~

Actually, I hope none of them are huge. That’d be a really pain in the- well, no, nopony’s going anywhere near there. Not if they wanna get PAID.

The four houses she landed near were set fairly far apart from the rest of town, because ponies like their privacy. They looked rather plain for whore houses, in Rainbow Dash’s opinion. On the other hoof, they could’ve gone with the sort of thematic architecture seen in Sugarcube Corner and ponies aren’t that blase about sex.

Stalking up and down the doors, she checked each one. They had office hours and walk-in hours posted on neat uniform schedules, and warning not to bug ‘em otherwise. Even the latter set of hours had an exception if an occupied sign was hung on the door knob.

The schedules were uniformly organized but different from each other. By process of elimination, she was left with just one house, one hooker and one door to knock on. This put a dent in her aforementioned fantasy of having the whole lot of them chained to her throne whilst listening to their lamentations, but you work with what you got.

It was the monkey man that answered the door, look down at her with expectant curiosity, “He-ello!”

Pointy. Pointy was the first impression Rainbow Dash got out of him. He had pointed ears, pointed eyes, a pointed nose, a pointed chin with a pointed beard, pointed fingers. His mane(?) was a bowl cut, if somepony had leaned the bowl forward, so his hair ended in two points to either side of his face.

“Oh, uh, hey, you’re- you’re- Ringo!”

“Ting.”

“Ting! Theee- yeti!”

“Human.” He smiled without showing teeth. “And you’re Rainbow Dash, right? The pegasus.”

“Hold on, you hooker guys know about me but I didn’t?” Rainbow Dash fell back on her haunches, wringing her front hooves to either side.

He pointed up at the sky, “You’re really hard to miss. Specially when you crack the sky and let loose the light show. Seriously, nice work on that one.”

She waved her front hooves at him, “You’re an eleven foot hairless monkey!” He’s like five and a half.

“You’ve really never seen me?”

“No!”

“Huh, weird.” He used one of his spindly fingers to scratch his head. “Anyhow, how can I help you Rainbow Dash?”

She opened her mouth, stopped, didn't say anything, closed her mouth, rubbed her chin and then, by Jove, I think she's got something! Having thought about why she was here made it a bit embarrassing to spit out, but she managed. “You're a hooker, right?”

“Sure am!” He squatted down, more eye level with her now. “You looking to buy?”

“I-m- I’m- I’m just, uh, window shopping.”

His eye narrowed, but he kept smiling. No, wait, was he smirking? Yeah, this guy looked like a smirker. Rainbow Dash got the impression he was leering. He tilted his head back. “You wanna come inside and I tell you what services I offer?”

Rainbow Dash, now she steeled herself. Dang, man, she just stuttered like a nervous little school filly and she was not like that all. She was Rainbow Dash! She grit her teeth and try to put on a casual expression which is difficult when you’re gritting your teeth. “Sure! That sounds pretty cool.”

He got up then, stretching back to his full height. He stood to the side, and gestured for her to come in. “I could start with my specials.” At her nod, he continued. “Mm, howzabout a Manehatten Special?”

She stepped through the door, looking up at him, “Wazzat?”

“Well, first, one of us has to dress up like the Statue Of Friendship.”

Then the door closed, and the world outside couldn’t possibly hear anymore.

~

At the Carousel Boutique, Rarity played gracious hostess to her most exuberant friend. Whilst her company was always invigorating, there were ulterior motives at work. Firstly, there were the cookies Pinkie promised to bring that were simply to die for. Second, juicy gossip. It was the most comfortable sort too, not resorting to talking about other ponies behind their flanks. Pinkie was quite willing to natter on about herself just fine, thank you.

“So, all four, at once?”

“Yepperoni! They had to hash out if they were going to charge me an extra group rate or give me a bulk discount.”

Rarity stirred her tea, regarding Pinkie Pie warily. “I had no idea you had such ravenous appetites.”

“Oh, it was just that one time.” Pinkie Pie flipped another cookie in her mouth. Then she grabbed a tea cup and washed it down in a big gulp.

“A sudden whimsy then?” She daintily dipped a cookie in her tea before biting it.

“Well, nah.” Pinkie Pie tilted her head with a smirk, as if playfully admonishing Rarity for implying that she was that spontaneous. “I had crushes on them at the time.”

“You were-” pause, “-infatuated with all of our local prostitutes?”

“Yeah-huh! I was thinking about how their jobs are like my job of making everypony happy by having lots of fun and then I thought woo wowie they’re so cool and each is cool in their own way like when the thestral takes her tongue out and it’s like a foot long and she-”

“SO!”

“So?”

“So, I haven’t thought of anything yet.”

“S’okay!”

“So, do you usually sleep with your crushes?”

“So, I don't usually have crushes on prostitutes.”

“So- stop that.”

“So sorry!”

Rarity took a long, serene sip from her tea. What she wasn’t doing was counting to ten under her breath. Most certainly not.

“S- Mm.” Rarity cleared her throat. “Is that where your interests lie? Ponies, and other peoples I suppose, that share your proclivities for spreading hedonistic delights?”

“Do you mean do I only like people that like to help other people have fun by having fun with them?”

“Yes.”

“Oh! Then no!”

“Oh, really? Then-”

“Oh yeah!”

“Ooooh, oh no, we’re not doing this again.”

“Oh, sorry.”

Rarity nodded. “Quite. Now, dear, I’m curious now, what do you seek in a pony? Or a, er, a people? Is it ‘a people’?”

“Oh, boy, I have crushes on everypeople!” Oh, they’re just making up words now. Pinkie rolled her eyes back, waving a hoof to encompass the whole of the world. Also, conveniently, ignoring Rarity’s eye twitch. “Like, not all the time and all at once or actually everypeople ever. I wish I knew that many peoples.”

Rarity took that in. It sunk in. Everybody. Rarity was chique and unique*, but she’d also get included in everybody. “Pinkie Pie, dear, darling, do you have a crush on moi?”

“Not right now, no.”

So slowly, her tea cup was set down on the table and Rarity clopped her front hooves together. “S- You have before.”

“Of course! You’re a really classy lady, Rarity, and you work so hard to make everything you do beautiful so everypony can love it and enjoy it and I just love what you do with your hair!”

Rarity brought her front hooves close to her face, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. It seemed like she was steeling herself to deal with overwhelming ordeal of Pinkie Pie’s affection. “Please.” Then she flipped on to her side with a kind of cocky smirk that wouldn’t seem out of place on Rainbow Dash. There was a glint in her eyes shining off of her ego. “Tell me more.”

“Well-” Bang! The front door to the boutique slammed open. Rarity shrieked and fell out her chair with a thump. The universe just seemed to be using her for physical comedy lately. Pinkie Pie just turned to the intruder. “Hi, Twilight!”

“Girls!” Twilight’s mane was disheveled and her horn sparked erratically, “I was attacked and I just sent a pony to jail!”

_

*Not to mention, magnifique

~

Rainbow Dash just wished one of her friends would burst in here with something dramatic and traumatic. She couldn’t back out now, that would be uncool, and constantly assured Ting to just keep going.

“-and that would be the Appaloosa Special. It’s like the Hollow Shades Special except with applesauce instead of mud and you don’t have to do it at night. Not necessarily.”

“Ya- yeah, man, rad!”

“So are you sure you’re interested in any of that?” Ting thumbed off to the side. “Cause we could do normal stuff instead.”

“You can do normal stuff with hookers!?”

Ting slapped one of his thighs, “I think I’ve given you a bad first impression of what I normally do.”

“Well, can we just do normal stuff?”

“Yeah, sure, we can do that,” Ting reached to one side, grabbing a little black book, “Should I pen you in for later next week? How does Thursday afternoon sound?”

Rainbow Dash waved a dismissive hoof. “Yeah, yeah, whatever, sounds good!” She hopped off the seat she’d taken, heading for the window. Hopping up the sill, she waved a saluting hoof, “See ya!”

“See ya then!”

Rainbow took off, a brief prismatic blur right behind her. She had a confident smirk on her face, riding high on that feeling she just accomplished something. Then it hit her that she just booked an appointment with a hooker, and all that it entailed. Then she hit a tree, and that’s because she wasn’t paying attention.

Punishment Is In Order

Alright, let’s cut over to Canterlot, specifically the castle. There’s Blueblood, making so many enemies he has to keep a flowchart. Over there is Fancy Pants being ambiguously congenial and nice. And up in the second highest room of one of the tallest towers was Celestia, Sovereign Of The Sun, reading like some really awful pornography.

“KNOCK, KNOCK!”

And the door to her apartment blew just short of off its hinges. A couple of guards outside were blown long past off their hooves. In marched Luna, Monarch Of The Moon, because Sovereign Of Somnia just doesn’t have the same kick to it.

“Sister! A fine evening, is it not?” She slammed the door shut behind her without looking.She pranced about her sister’s seating cushion and golly this is a cheery Luna. Her smile creased down to a frown as she stopped in front of the unresponsive other-half of this nation’s ruling head. Bending her head down to peer at the magazine or comic book Celestia was reading. She muttered the title under her breath. “Fall… Equestria…” She’d narrow her eyes. “What is this you are reading, sister? Some grim fiction of a speculative apocalypse?”

Celestia sighed, closing the magazine and setting it down. “That’s what I was supposed to be reading, I think. I had gotten some complaints from our zebra settlers. There was a piece of popular literature floating around that they felt was insulting for its portrayal of them. I decided to see for myself.”

Luna sat on her haunches. “Did you think it was really that awful?” She seemed worried, like somepony just told her this thing she liked was trash.

“I don’t know. I sent for a copy, but I think there must have been a mix-up in communication. Specifically, I got ‘of’ instead of ‘out’.” Celestia grimaced at the magazine, her sister looking as well with a curious frown. Thankfully, it had a rather plain and generic cover, because Luna absolutely didn’t want to see a preview of what was inside. “And if the zebras thought they were offended by what was in that book, I’m now waiting to hear that the caribou are in open revolt.”

“Is it that dreadful?” Luna seemed concerned, looking at the magazine as if an angry caribou might leap out at any moment. Thankfully not, especially not one as portrayed in that book.

“I worry about my little ponies when they craft such fantasies of cruelty for pleasure.” For their fetish. “I mean, I know a little about sadomasochism and bondage, don’t get me wrong. Did I ever tell you about my ninth spouse? He was into this sort of thing.”

Albeit, reversed sex from what was portrayed in the magazine. Bernard was a diamond dog with an exterior as hard and cold as his kind’s namesake and a heart as soft and warm as molten gold. He was commonly seen wearing a spiked collar, which he claimed was a statement to the ageless monarch that made him hers. It was often thought to be a warning, saying to Celestia, ‘I am yours, but I am still prickly.’ What he was actually saying was, ‘Put me on a leash and take me for a walk.’

Luna watched her sister’s eyes. She waited for the reminiscence to end, for the memories she will never share to fade away for the moment. “That reminds me, sister, of why I am came to your quarters. Are you sure about sending the boys to Ponyville?”

Celestia finished up smiling fondly at the rear-end of the annals of time and turned her attention back to the present. “You’re worried?”

“I’m.”

Celestia darted her eyes around, searching Luna’s face. “I’m what?”

“No, ‘I am’. That is a correct contraction, right?”

“It’s a bit awkward.”

Luna hung her head. “Ah.”

“Besides,” Celestia continued on, “I trust Twilight has this well in hoof and even Aequor should be on his best behavior.”

~

“Aequor, you are in jail.”

“Si!”

“You are being charged with breaking and entering.”

“Oui!”

“Do you know what you did wrong?”

“Nein!”

“Ja.”

It was a little jailhouse manned by a couple of Royal Guards located in the basement of the mayor’s office. Mayor Mare’s predecessor thought it’d be nice to get something so unseemly out of sight. Only later did she realize she now had a dungeon, and it’s quite unseemly for somepony who’s title isn’t Princess to have a dungeon. Mayor Mare, lucky for her, got to write it off as somepony else’s fault.

Twilight sprinted directly back there as soon as she got a pair of her friends, with Rarity forced to keep up and Pinkie just riding on Twilight’s back, cause alicorn’s are too strong. On the way there, they met up with Applejack and her new giant friend. (“Hey there, I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name?” “Tellus.” “No, you tell me!”) At Twilight’s description, Tellus admitted to recognizing the culprit and he didn’t sound happy to hear it.

And that’s how they ended up here.

“-it’s just that I’m the Princess Of Friendship and I should be forgiving and he doesn’t seem like a bad pony really-” “M’am.” “-but he teleported right in front of my and he’s so big and he was yelling and my triggerhoof’s been a little twitchy ever since sometaur blew up my house-” “Princess, please--” “-but isn’t the castle public property? I know the library was so I’m pretty used to that. I’m a little unclear where the castle fits in there. It’s the Friendship Castle, so shouldn’t it be?” “Your highness, if you would just let me-” “Not that I want to use my princess title to override your authority or anything like that but now that I think about it I really should iron out the property laws regarding my castle with the mayor. She’s still the one in charge, you know. Everpony should remember that!”

Off to one side, Twilight was trying to get Aequor off all charges, because that was princess-ly thing to do, while making sure they threw the book at him, because rules are meant to be followed and princesses can’t be seen flouting them. This was all while making sure she didn’t overrule anyone, because just because she was a princess didn’t mean she should be treated, like, royalty or anything. Rarity and Applejack were behind her, wondering why Twilight felt the need to bring them along for this. Pinkie Pie was still on top of Twilight, and she never felt the need to wonder why she was anywhere.

After the giant earth pony gave up on the giant unicorn, the former decided to go see the one Royal Guard not failing to get in a word in edgewise with the princess. Her name was Shining Armoire. Her parents were maids in Canterlot Castle and thought she’d follow in their footsteps, but it turns out she’s a heckuva lot better at taking a hit and guarding other ponies. So much for indicative names.

Standing behind her desk, she looked up as an enormous shadow loomed over. “Golly, are you two saddle arabians? I’ve never seen ponies as big as you except the princesses.”

“No,” He rumbled simply.

“Oh,” Was all that she was able to get in response.

Tellus looked aside, scanning the small office with its little cell. He looked at the mare again, scowling. Still scowling. “I remember the Guard presence in this town used to be larger. What happened?”

Armoire rolled her eyes, trying to remember. “Uh, shoot, what happened? Uh, budget cuts! Yeah, a big roll back happened a few years ago.”

“This town is still near the Everfree Forest.” He didn’t elaborate what that meant.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. Supposed to be real nasty business in there. Thing is, I heard some little waif moved in right at the border and convinced most of the monsters to play nice. At least with this town.”

Tellus grunted. “Impressive. It must be a brave and hardened mare to bring the beasts of the Everfree to heel.”

~

There was a knock on Fluttershy’s door. She shrieked and dove for cover.

~

“Yeah, I bet,” Armoire said, with no degree of irony. She’s new to town. “So, a big chunk of the fund they took from the guard here apparently goes to her now. She’s supposed to have a special talent with animals, which makes sense, so she uses the money to run a shelter.”

Tellus nodded. “I imagine she must be an undisputed queen of the animal kingdom.”

~

Fluttershy tried in vain to hold the little white rabbit back, her teeth clenched on his cottontail. “ No, Angel Bunny, honey, stop, stop attacking the door.” Angel Bunny ceased his attack on the portal that dared frighten his mistress and instead turned his ire on a closer target, his mistress that dared stop him from defending her honor. “No, now stop that too! You know that hurts mommy’s feelings.”

~

Applejack and Rarity disengaged from the mess that was Twilight trying to make everything perfect, because Fates forbid she ever be less than the shining exemplar of harmony. Instead, the pair of them decided to scope out the stallion that caused their friend so much trouble. Besides sending her into a tizzy, he didn’t seem malevolent and they forgave for worst things before.

“What in Tart’s nations?” Or ‘tarnations’. I dunno, transplanar translation is weird.

“Mm, Aequor, right? Sir, what are you doing?”

They get to the front of the cage and find the great blue galut huddling in a corner. He’s had a spoon he was beating relentlessly on the rock wall with. Not even with his horn, he had a grip on it in his hooves, scratching away with manic swings. Addressed, he’d stop and turn, giving the pair of mares a big grin as he came up to the bars.

“Ah, mon petit poneys! You caught me at a bad time, I was just making good on my escape!”

Making good on his escape seemed to consist of him vainly wearing a spoon down to a nub, so they weren’t unduly worried there. Applejack was mouthing the first words he said while Rarity covered her mouth and giggle. “Oh, monsieur!” Rarity said, “You speak Prench?”

Aequor looked down at his own hoof, his open smile turning into an arrogant little smirk. “Well, I don’t like to brag but-”

“Hold on a tick.” Applejack raised a hoof. “Can’t you teleport?”

Aequor stuck his head through the bars and snorted. “¿Pero porque? Where’s the fun in that?”

“Fun? This is fun for you?” Applejack asked.

“¡Aye, si, senorita! I need a challenge!”

Rarity seemed far more interested in other things. “¿Y Espoñol, senior?”

“Eh, yo hablo algunos lenguajes.”

“¡Fantastico! You must be well travelled, senior Aequor.”

“Ja, fraulein Rarität.”

Applejack was right about to say something here too, but then something pink and fluffy sidled up to her side. “Ah, ya Pinkie Pie?”

“So, where do you think the pegasus one is?”

“Pegasus one?” She looked between the pair of giants, an earth pony and a unicorn. “How do ya figure? Pinkie Sense?”

“Nah, just stands to reason,” Pinkie Pie said. “You got two big princess sized guys, one’s an earth pony and the other’s a unicorn, there’s gotta be a pegasus somewhere.”

“Not everything’s gotta come in sets of three, Pinkie.”

~

A big princess sized pegasus pressed his face against Fluttershy’s window, trying to look in, “M’am, I say, m’am! Are you alright? I heard you scream.”

Try as he might, he couldn't see what was going on in there. He heard a pained squeak and knew what he had to do.

“Imma comin’, Miss Fluttershy!” He flapped a few feet back and spread his wings. Then he kept spreading them as they grew even larger than his enormous stature. He cracked the tips together against the door and the it was blown off its hinges by the sound of thunder.

“Don’t worry, Miss Fluttershy, I-”

Angel Bunny looked up at the detonated remains of the doorway. Hovering over him was a giant among the giant ponies, a true behemoth of the winged ones. But Angel was not afraid. No, not he, who faced the Everfree Queen on a daily basis and cowed her into submission almost every time. Sure, so long as she didn’t use that accursed Stare on him at least.

In his head, he wasn’t even Angel anymore. Oh no. He was some over-the-top action hero, a legendary god-slayer ready to fell titans, divinities and especially stupid, irksome, tricksie draconequui. He was one of those characters from his queen’s cartoons. He was Angeru, and this was Angeru’s WRATH!

Fluttershy wasn’t in any danger, though she sure as Tart’ looked scared now that some over dramatic bravo blew her door down. The stallion looked rather embarrassed, still hovering in the air, his wings shrinking. Both their ears were splayed back as they stared each other down until the later looked away.

He put a hoof on his chest. Would have took his hat off too, but he didn’t have one and resolved to remedy that at the soonest convenient opportunity. What kinda gentlecolt doesn’t have a hat? “My sincerest apologies, Miss Fluttershy. It seems I made a dreadful-”

“-eeee-!!”

“-what in Tart’s nation?”

He was so focused on Fluttershy, that at first he hadn’t noticed the rabbit. Angel was aiming to fix that quickly, jumping off one piece of furniture to a taller one. He used the clutter of the cottage to his advantage, till he was somewhere high enough to pounce on the intruder’s face.

Straddling the guy’s snout, Angel let loose a rapid barrage of what weren’t rabbit punches but would have been was there any justice to word play in this world. In Angel’s mind, it was three times that many punches because he had that many more paws to strike with. Sadly, for him, Angel Bunny was not the insane demi-god scion of Animosity, the Spirit Of Rage.

There is at least two someones like that and boy howdy are they edgier than Chrysalis’s horn.

Angel went on, a flurry of blows like a martial artist furiously striking at a whole swarm, rapidly smashing bees. The pegasus did not turn into a screaming, fading, silhouette in the middle of a storm of energy, except perhaps in Angel’s head. He seemed more confused than anything else. That kept on going until Fluttershy flapped up, took him by the tail and pulled him off the stallion.

“Angel!” She’d glare at him as soon as she set him down. Angel’s ears peeled back and he felt just the edge of one of those infernal Stares. “Behave yourself.” Once he was cowed for the moment, Fluttershy turned to face her guest.

The stallion seemed to regain his composure, bringing a front hoof to his chest and bowing his head again. “Well, howdy there, Miss Fluttershy.”

At the sign of actual, genuine, speech, Fluttershy remembered she was speaking to an actual, genuine, pony. Not an animal, but another sapient being.

The stallion searched her face, looking to see if she’d respond. Instead, she did her absolute best to avoid eye contact. He’d frown, look back at the doorway and her again. He smiled sheepishly. “Mighty sorry about your door, m’am. I thought you was in danger.”

He leaned in closer to to try to hear what she was saying back. “Excuse me, m’am, could you speak up?” She only scrunched up further, turning her head away. Sensing he was just making matters worse, he pulled back. “Well, this isn’t getting anywhere.”

Then the rabbit pounced on his face again.