Twilight's Friendship Hotline

Starlight rolled her eyes.

"That might technically be considered a friendship problem," she began, keeping a level voice, "but this isn't that sort of hotline," she said adamantly. This is the fifth caller asking how to pick up dates! Doesn't anypony read anymore?! "What we focus on is—"

"Just put some powdered salt on your limbs." Trixie leaned in from the nearby chaise longue. "And plant the first kiss."

"Trixie!" Starlight tapped the voice crystal off. "We don't give such advice to callers! It's irresponsible, irrational, and gives the wrong impression." She glared at Trixie with her best frown. In response the magician just stuck her tongue out. "You're impossible!" Starlight sighed. I can't wait for you and Twilight to go on shift together! "Does it work?"

"You have no idea," her friend grinned. "Stallions are suckers for salt. Mares not that much, but they won't complain. For really good results mix salt and sugar. Powdered, naturally. I usually cover the upper lip, but there are various approaches. Main thing is, don't overdo it."

Powdered salt, eh? Who knew? Starlight scratched her chin. Maybe she could try sprinkling some on the letter she'd send to Sunburst? Just to experiment, of course. It wasn't like she needed any help in that area. But if it happened to work, it would only be logical to take advantage. And if not, there was always brainwashing.

"Say, Trixie." Starlight looked away. "When you said that Rainbow was into bad mares, what exactly did you mean?"

This question had been burning in her mind ever since the chaos had started. Yet, each time she paused to formulate it, the voice crystal box would light up like a Hearth's Warming tree.

"Well, it's a common for little rich girls to fall for bad colts," Trixie said, doing a hair flip with her hoof. "Or bad mares in your case," she added with a smirk. Starlight crossed her forehooves. Sure, ridicule me, why don't you? "The princess and the sorceress. Should have seen it a mile away. Then again, I saw her as more a Flim sort of mare. Guess even Trixie isn't perfect all the time."

"Whoa! Hold on!" Starlight jumped to her hooves. She was used to Trixie exaggerating things, but this was ludicrous. Rainbow and Flim?! They'd make a terrible couple! Rainbow is so gullible that she'd believe anything Flim tells her. And Flim is such a coward, he'd instantly agreeing with everything she says, then doing absolutely nothing. Starlight snorted at the thought. Besides, Rainbow's too good for him!

"Or maybe that Flash pegasus," Trixie mused.

Before she could finish her thought one of the voice crystals started blinking. Without batting an eye, Trixie tapped on it.

"Behold, the Great and Powerful Trixie is ready to speak to you behalf of the friendship hotline!" The magician said, conveniently omitting the word "Twilight". "How may Trixie display her greatness?"

"Trixie?" A gasp came from the crystal. "G.A.P. Trixie? O!M!G! I'm a huge fan!"

"Told you my audience adores me," Trixie whispered to Starlight, as smug as a teacher's pet.

"My gosh, I still can't believe it!" The caller went on. Whoever he was he was way too enthusiastic about it. From what Starlight remembered, Trixie latest shows did manage to gather a largish crowd, but the reactions had always been lukewarm at best. "Your levitating dancing routine is out of this world! I brought my marefriend to a few of your shows and we both can't stop talking about it!"

"Levitating dancing routine?" Starlight whispered with a frown. See if I don't blackmail you for the rest of your life with this! "Seriously?" I'm so taking photos!

"Weeell, Trixie is always pleased to hear from her adoring fans," the magician replied all flustered, sweating under Starlight's gaze. "Remember to go to Trixie's show next Wednesday at nine. And tell all your—" A sharp cough made Trixie get back on track, "So, how can I help you, admiring fan?"

"Err, what is this thing exactly?" The typical question Trixie and Starlight had been getting for the last thirty minutes. Whatever methods Vinyl Scratch had used to attract attention, they had worked. As a result scores of ponies were using the friendship hotline without the faintest idea what it was for.

"Trixie is glad you asked!" The magician said in her stage voice. Even Starlight had to admit she sounded extremely convincing and—curse the word—professional. "Tell me, have you ever gotten into arguments with friends? Sometimes without even knowing why? Have you felt like something is wrong, but there's nopony you could ask?"

"Uh-huh," the caller said with the conviction and amazement reserved for fortunetellers and hoof readers at carnivals.

"Well that's what the Friendship Hotline is for," Trixie went on. "Here you can let your problems be known to the Great and Powerful Trixie and her assistants, and we will solve them for you."

Assistants?! Starlight's ears perked up. I'm nopony's assistant! Well, maybe Twilight's, but only because I'm her student! She paused for a moment, looking thoughtfully at the ceiling. Actually, I should talk with Twilight about full partnership. I have been answering calls longer than anyone else, and it's thanks to me that we have Trixie on board.

"There's no need to be ashamed. Anything you say will be treated with the utmost respect and only shared among the Hotline staff," Trixie continued, filing her hoof as she spoke.

"Wow. Like, that's really great..." the caller hesitated. "It's really kind of you Miss Trixie, but there's nothing that I can think of right now."

"Trixie understands completely," the magician said in a manner that would make anyone feel guilty. "Just remember that if you do, there are friendship hotline booths all across Ponyville”— she glanced at Starlight who was frantically pointing at an aether map of Equestria she had created with her magic—”and other cities to assist you. Oh, and don't forget to tell all your friends."

"Umm, yes, sure..."

"The Great and Powerful Trixie thanks you from the bottom of her heart. Now go, and don't forget to have fun." She tapped the voice crystal, returning to her hoofacure. For several seconds she continued filing her hoof, humming a tune. Apparently, there were some things even Lotus and Aloe couldn't be trusted with. Seeing Starlight's impatient expression Trixie stopped. "What?" she asked, half-annoyed half-defensive. "Trixie was only doing her job. There's nothing wrong if she happened to present herself in a slightly—"

"Rainbow Dash," Starlight said through her teeth.

"Yes? What more do you want to know about your lover?"

"She's not my lover!" Starlight shouted.

Absurd! As if that would even work! There's only room for two in her bed: Rainbow Dash and her ego. And living in her mansion in Cloudsdale would be such a— Starlight stopped. Rainbow Dash had invited her to her home over two dozen times. In most cases Starlight had declined because of the constant friendship homework Twilight piled on her. But on the few occasions she had agreed, Rainbow Dash had gone out of her way to show every room of the place... as well as casually remark she was thinking of remodeling. Was Rainbow bragging back then or flirting with me? It's always difficult to tell with her.

"Why do you think Rainbow Dash is rich? And spoilt?" Starlight glanced at the voice crystals. All four were inactive. "Everypony knows she's a daredevil."

"Uh-huh." Trixie narrowed her eyes. "An image she obsesses over. And yet, she is a secret spa regular. I'm not talking the occasional hoofacure either. Rainbow is known to go for the full pampering packet."

"So?" You're right! And with the exception of Rarity, she's the only one I've seen wearing slippers. She but her lip. No, I'm overthinking this! "Even I go here a lot."

"And do you have a huge mansion of your own?" Trixie narrowed her eyes even more. "Not to mention she has constant anxiety, feels insecure, never talks about her parents..." the magician stared at her hoof, critically examining the final few touches. "Also Trixie was introduced to her family as a filly and knows they own several cloud factories."

"Oh, really?" You had me there for a moment. Ha, to think I fell for one of your tales! It did make sense until you mentioned that last part.

"Definitely!" Trixie nodded. "The trick to a good relationship with her is to show a touch of evil now and again. Nothing too scary, just enough for her to go 'Whoa! That's my marefriend!'"

"Trixie, I doubt that—" One of the voice crystals began flashing. "I got it," Starlight sighed and tapped it with her hoof. "Welcome to Twilight's Friendship Hotline. This is Starlight Glimmer, how may I be of help?"

"Starlight, darling, I know this is the worst possible time, but there's something I simply must ask you." Rarity's voice filled the entire spa. "Please tell me you're not at the castle!"

"Err, okay?" Starlight looked at Trixie confused. "I'm actually at the spa with—"

"Thank the stars!" Rarity sighed in relief with so much drama that for a moment Starlight could almost feel her breath coming from the crystal. "You didn't try the dress, did you? Please tell me—"

"Rarity, what's going on?" Starlight cut her short.

"The dress is cursed," Trixie whispered, hoof over her mouth. "Once you put it on you're bound to fall in love with with the first pegasus you hear."

"What?" Starlight shouted, jerking away.

"I beg you pardon!" A grumble came from the voice crystal. "Just because I've made a mistake—be it of disastrous nature—is no reason to raise your voice! I'll have you know that I spent weeks on perfecting that dress!"

"Oh, sorry, not you, Rarity." Starlight shoved Trixie in the shoulder. "Trixie's being overdramatic as usual."

"Humph! Hardly surprising! That mare is nothing but trouble! No fashion sense whatsoever! If it were up to me I'd—" Rarity growled in anger and frustration. "Anyway, Trixie, will you make it for dinner tonight? And please, for once in your life could you arrive on time?"

"A magician is never late." Trixie moved closer to the voice crystal. "Or early for that matter."

"Pity that you're a third rate magician," Rarity snapped. "So you're not late only one-third of the time. What exactly are you doing with Starlight anyway? You aren't getting her involved in another of your insane schemes, are you?"

"Why, I'm hurt that you of all ponies should say that!" Trixie said in faux indignation. "I guess that you won't be needing the fabric I got from the Crystal Empire, then?" A "Ha!" From the crystal indicated that Rarity wasn't taking her seriously. "And if you must know this is our scheduled spa visit, which happens to coincide with a small celebration on my part."

"No!" Rarity gasped. "You don't mean...?"

"I do!" Trixie almost squealed. "Twilight hired me! I finally have a job!"

Looking at them, Starlight's jaw was moving closer and closer to the ground. What in Equestria is going on? She blinked. It was like watching a chain carriage accident in slow motion—terrifying, yet so captivating no one had the strength to look away.

"Congratulations, darling! I know how much this means to you. I'll be sure to prepare your favourite zucchini a l'orange for the occasion."

"Well, I suppose I could find time in my busy schedule," Trixie chuckled. Starlight felt she would be sick. "Oh! No! Stars in a spindle, I can't."

"Oh?" Rarity sounded disappointed. "Whyever not, darling?"

"Twilight's invited us to celebrate my first day of work at her palace," the magician sighed. "It's kind of a big thing and I don't want to—"

"Nonsense, darling. Just leave Twilight to me. I'll take care of everything."

"Umm, excuse me?" Starlight tried to get a word in. And just to be sure she cast a silence bubble around Trixie's head to be on the safe side. Watching her and Rarity flirt over voice crystal was more than she wanted to bear right now. "You said something was wrong with the dress?" I just knew it was too good to be true! As if anypony would make such a dress for me. Rarity's going to tell me she mixed up the dress and gave me one belonging to a Canterlot duchess or a Manehattan prima instead.

"Oh, right you are, darling." Rarity cleared her throat. "Apparently, someone decided to try on your horseshoes." There was a dangerous edge in Rarity's voice. "Despite being several shoe sizes too small. And in order to keep me from getting mad, she replaced them with one of my more common sets."

"You're joking, right?" Starlight dispelled her silence spell. "You called me because you sent me the wrong horseshoes?"

"It's a disaster waiting to happen, darling. We're both fortunate that I managed to reach you in time. The horseshoes would look atrocious with that dress, not to mention they lack the practical aspects of your original set." Rarity paused for a few seconds. "This new set will make you look simply enchanting and—"

"Can this wait until after work?" Starlight tapped impatiently on the floor with her hoof. "Not to seem ungrateful, Rarity, but we are in the middle of something." Even if I was supposed to have the afternoon off.

"Oh, speak nothing of it, darling. There will be plenty of time to talk at the soirée tonight. Just be sure not to put on the dress before I arrive," Rarity said most insistently. Starlight had only heard her use that tone of voice a few times before and each time the respective party had obeyed her request to the letter. No point in breaking the tradition, Starlight thought. "Ta ta, darlings."

The voice crystal went dark. For several seconds Starlight kept staring at it, half expecting it to come back to life. When that didn't happen she slowly diverted her attention to Trixie.

"What?" Trixie asked in innocently. "We're just friends. I may have introduced her to some important ponies to make up for the way I treated her when under the cursed amulet's effect."

"You know what, Trixie?" Starlight lied onto her chaise longue. "I don't even care. The more I try to figure you out the more confusing everything becomes." Not to mention you clearly have something going on with Rarity! "Let's just survive till this evening and—" Another Crystal started blinking. "Oh, for stars' sake!"

"Have no fear." Trixie smiled then tapped on the crystal. "Behold, you have reached the Great and Powerful—"

"Trixie?" The magician was cut short by a sharp female voice with a strong Trottingham accent.

"Octavia?" Trixie's eyes widened with surprise. "Octavia, I haven't seen you since high school! How are you? How have you been?"

"I... I'm in deep trouble this time, Trixie." Every sound was drenched in sadness. "I... I really could use some help."