Regression
It was a quiet evening... well, as quiet as things ever got on a date between Vinyl Scratch and Lemon Zest. The pumping music coming from the wall of speakers in Vinyl's living room had the two girls dancing well into the night, until long after the time had passed for them to quiet down so the world could sleep. Thankfully nobody showed up to stop them, and they were able to keep their bodies moving until even they decided they had had enough.
Lemon Zest collapsed to the couch with a bright laugh, brushing her sweaty hair back from her face and holding up her other hand in defeat. "Okay, okay! I yield! I yield! I can't... take anymore!" She exclaimed through deep, panting breaths.
"Hah, I always knew you were secretly a lightweight." Vinyl slipped her remote out of her pocket and turned off the stereo system, suddenly draining the room of all the energy it had contained moments before. "Fine, I guess we can call it a night." She plopped down onto the couch beside Lemon, slipping an arm around her and pulling her up against her side. Lemon grinned and leaned into her shoulder, not caring about the sweat. "So you staying the night?"
Lemon nodded quickly. "Like you have to ask. And you know..." Lemon Trailed two fingers up Vinyl's stomach slowly. "If you're in the mood..."
"Mmm... nah." Vinyl waved it off with her free hand. "Time doesn't feel right."
Lemon didn't want to force anything... but she couldn't help a twinge of irritation in her voice. "So what is going to be the right time, Vinyl?"
Vinyl shrugged. "I dunno, is that really the kind of thing you'll know ahead of time?"
Lemon sat up on the couch, lifting away from her. "Maybe not, but..." Lemon bit her lip, then took a deep breath. "Honestly I'm starting to feel like I'm being toyed with."
"Toyed with?"
"Yeah. I mean if you want to wait to have sex, that's cool and all, but this thing where you won't tell me when or why? That doesn't feel so cool. It feels like you're either messing with me or you don't trust me."
Vinyl's voice started to harden now. "Oh come on, what does it matter? If you get horny you can go to your friend, I told you it's okay. Isn't that enough?"
"Not really." Lemon shook her head. "I don't want to just bang my friend, I want to make love to my girlfriend. If not now then someday."
"And it'll happen someday, when it feels right."
"But I don't know what 'feels right' means!"
"Well that's just how it is!" Vinyl met Lemon's gaze with an unusually harsh, angry glare.
Lemon stared at her for a moment, then climbed off of the couch. "Do you mind if I use your shower?"
"Knock yourself out." Vinyl didn't look at her as she left, heading down the hallway toward the bathroom to lock herself in.
She was starting to feel nauseous. Was she trying to pressure Vinyl into having sex with her? That was totally wrong no matter how she looked at it... but she was getting frustrated beyond belief. Was she supposed to just shut up and do nothing for the sake of the relationship? That would probably be the best approach... after all, relationships were about trust and respect. She should respect Vinyl enough not to pressure her, and trust her not to toy with her. No matter how frustrated she felt herself becoming.
After her brief rinse she got dressed and made her way back out to the living room. Vinyl held out a soda in one hand as she emerged. "Here."
"Thanks." Lemon took a long sip of the offered drink. "Listen, Vinyl, I'm sorry. You're completely right. It was wrong of me to try to talk bad about what you want... it doesn't matter why you don't want to have sex. I should respect it no matter what. Let's just... try to forget I was ever this stupid, okay?"
"Heh..." Vinyl smiled and pulled her into a gentle hug. "Already forgotten, babe." She pulled back. "You wait here, it's my turn for the shower."
"Yeah, I'll be here." Lemon smiled at her girlfriend as she headed into the back.
With a sigh Lemon Zest plopped down on the sofa to wait as she sipped her drink. Yeah, everything would be perfectly fine. She just needed to be patient.
***
Being patient was harder than she thought, as it turned out. She did all the right things, she was patient and kind, she never mentioned sex around Vinyl again, and everything went right back to normal between them. They went out to clubs, danced their nights away, got dinner, made out a little in the afterglow and then retired for the night. It was the same idyllic situation they had had ever since they got together, and yet... Lemon Zest felt increasingly unsatisfied.
She tried to shrug it off. What kind of shallow slut would become unhappy with a perfect relationship just because she wasn't having sex? She didn't need sex to have a great girlfriend whom she loved dearly, they had a deeper bond than that. They had an emotional connection driven by mutual tastes and shared interests. She couldn't ask for any more... at least, she couldn't ask for any more except sex.
She didn't need sex... but then why was she feeling so empty these days?
Even sex with Sour Sweet was becoming less and less satisfying as time went on. It was nice, sure, and she loved spending time with Sour Sweet, but she also started to feel really guilty about it. Like she was doing something wrong every time they met up. But the thought of simply not doing it anymore just made her even more depressed. Maybe it was time to face it...
"Do you think I'm a slut?" Lemon Zest asked late one evening as she lay in her bed with Sour Sweet by her side.
"A slut?" Sour Sweet looked at her curiously? "What in the world brought that on?"
Lemon shook her head. "I dunno, lately I just feel like... like I'm putting too much into sex. There are more important things in life, you know?"
"Well, yeah, sure." Sour Sweet shrugged. "But what are you not doing that sex is getting in the way of?"
"Nothing... I think..." Lemon Zest shook her head. "It just..." She sat up in bed and put a hand on her forehead, letting the blanket fall away. "It feels like I want it more than I should, you know? With Vinyl, I mean..."
Sour Sweet sat up beside with her with a wry smirk. "More than you should? And how much should you want it?"
"I don't know..." Lemon hugged herself uncomfortably. "But we have a perfect relationship. She's perfect for me... and all I can think about these days is that one stupid thing that's missing. I don't wanna be a slut and lose an amazing relationship just because she won't have sex with me. That's totally messed up."
Sour Sweet rolled her eyes. "How amazing can the relationship be if you aren't happy in it?"
"I..." Lemon gulped. "I am happy..."
"Then what's the problem?" Sour Sweet shrugged and plopped back down into the bed, pulling the sheet up to her neck. "I swear, you and Sunny both think too much. Is it so hard to just go for what you want?"
Lemon Zest looked down at her for a moment, then plopped back in the bed herself to stare at the ceiling. Sunny had a boyfriend... if anybody was going to understand how she was feeling, it would be her.
***
Sunny Flare opened the door of her house with a wistful smile, which split into a wider grin at the sight of her friend. "Come in, come in." She swept inside like a stray breeze, practically blowing through the living room towards the kitchen. "Want something to drink?"
"Uh... sure, milk is fine." Lemon closed the door behind her and followed Sunny into the kitchen. "Are you feeling okay?"
"I feel better than I have in such a long time." Sunny was almost dancing her way through the kitchen as she poured two glasses of milk, then danced her way over to hand Lemon one of them. "Are you doing okay? You look less energetic than usual."
"Eh, have kind of a lot on my mind." Lemon grinned and began to bob with Sunny's infectious motion. "What's got you in such an awesome mood? Whatever it is, can I get in on it?"
"Probably not, my boyfriend might not like that..." Sunny paused for a moment. "Actually what am I saying? He's still a guy, he'd probably love that, but that doesn't mean we would." She laughed and took Lemon's hand pulling her into a casual dance with her as they made their way towards the living room sofa. "So come on, tell me what's on your mind. Maybe we can jam out a therapy session and get you all set up for success."
Lemon shook her head and pulled her to a stop. "Oh no way, I'm not stepping all over a mood like this with my problems. Let's just go out and have a good time. That's probably all I need anyway."
"Sure, I'm game for that. Let's grab our skates. We can make a day of it."
***
When our time is up
When our lives are done
Will we say we've had our fun?
The wind whipped through Lemon Zest's hair as she raced down the street. Her skates popped and bounced across the rough pavement as she pushed herself forward with all of her passion. Her music blared in her ears through her headphones, nearly drowning out the world around her, though her eyes darted back and forth to make sure nothing weird was happening, as they always did. Sunny Flare was skating just ahead of her, leading the way to the park, which they reached before too long.
Sunny leapt smoothly onto the curb from the street, and Lemon leapt up with a little twirl to follow her into the park proper. Some of the pedestrians in the park gave them sour looks as they raced past, but neither of them paid any mind. Their hearts were racing as they pushed themselves to greater speeds and better stunts. Sunny managed to leap clean over one of the small flower patches in the center of the walkway while Lemon Zest bounced off one of the park benched and twirled over the back like an ice-skater, though she landed on two feet on the other side instead of just one. She liked having ankles.
They rampaged through the park for probably hours. The sun was beginning to sink into the horizon by the time Sunny Flare, laughing despite her drooping shoulders, let her momentum carry her to the edge of the sidewalk, where her skates stopped and she plopped down on her back on the thick green grass. Lemon skated up beside her and plopped down to join her, lying down more carefully without Sunny's martial arts training.
They lay together in the golden sunlight for a while, just staring up at the serene fluffy white clouds overhead with Lemon's tunes blaring in her ears. Finally she reached up to pull her headphone down around her neck.
"See? This is exactly what I need!"
"Hm?" Sunny turned her head toward her. "As opposed to what?"
"I don't even know." Lemon shook her head, resting her hands across her chest, which was still panting for breath. "I'm just feeling weird around Vinyl lately. I mean I love her to bits, I really do, but it just... it feels like something is missing, and I'm getting frustrated."
"What do you think is missing?"
Lemon blushed. "It's gonna sound totally shallow but... it's like she just won't open up about sex with me. I mean, I'm not gonna pressure her into it or anything, but it's kind of ticking me off that she won't even tell me why she doesn't want to do it. I can't even relax around her anymore... definitely not like this."
Sunny look back up at the clouds again, pursing her lips in deep thought. "You know, if she's making you unhappy, you can always walk away. Become friends again."
Lemon blinked in surprise. "I can't leave her for not having sex with me, that's messed up."
"Hey." Sunny reached across the grass to grab her hand tightly. "You can always walk away, for any reason. Even if some people would call that reason shallow, or insult you for doing it, you still have that option. And that option is the most important part of a relationship."
"It is?"
"At least I think so." Sunny released her hand. "I mean, think about it. Entering a relationship with someone is saying 'hey, you make me happy and I want to be around you more often.' If you no longer want to be around them so often, you need to be able to leave. Otherwise you're not in a real relationship anymore, you're just going through the motions for their sake. That just sounds like a prison to me, and that can only last so long before it explodes."
Lemon Zest shivered as a sharp memory came back. Something Vinyl herself once said...
Yeah, I know, we should have broken up by then. I know we should have... but I felt like that would be wrong. They always say love is hard, don't they? That you can't just quit on it? All relationships have their rough patches, you've just got to power through to the other side. And I was determined to power through to the other side. We had so many good times I just couldn't believe that there were no more left. Maybe she was thinking the same thing... maybe that's why she didn't call it quits either.
"Yeah... maybe you're right." Lemon nodded. "I can't just keep it to myself, can I? We've gotta work something out or..."
Sunny glanced over at her, then pushed herself up from the grass to spin around on her skates, holding one hand dramatically out to her. "Come on, I think I have a few more laps in me before we head home."
Lemon giggled and took her hand so she could pull her up. "Hehe, seriously Sunny, what has gotten into you?"
Sunny winked. "I don't think it would be decent to tell you in public..."
***
The door to Vinyl Scratch's house opened with its teenage occupant standing on the other side, a broad crooked grin lighting up her face at the sight of her. "Hey babe! Glad to see you!" She stepped out and leaned in to give Lemon a hug, which she only half-returned. "You don't surprise me very much anymore. I miss having you just pop up."
"Yeah..." Lemon took a deep breath and a step back. "Vinyl... we need to talk. Like, seriously talk."
"Uh-oh." Vinyl smirked. "Is this the 'relationship problem' kind of talk?" She snickered. Her smile faded when Lemon didn't return the laugh. "Okay, sure... come on in. You want something to drink?"
"No thanks, I'm good." Lemon made her way into the living room and plopped down on the couch, trying to calm her nerves. Vinyl sat down beside her, and the two of them drifted into a tense, uncomfortable silence. Lemon knew it was her turn to speak, to say exactly what she was feeling... but it was so much harder than letting things continue on as they were. Once she spoke they might never be able to go back to how things were.
"Is it... something I did?" Vinyl asked. "Are you mad at me?"
"No, not really..." Lemon shook her head. "I just need to get something off my chest. I feel like a terrible person right now, but it needs to be said."
"Okay..." Vinyl put a comforting hand on her knee. "Go ahead and say it."
"The truth is... I'm not happy." Lemon shook her head. "You know, with our relationship... I just feel like something's missing that I need, and... I don't know if I'll ever get it."
"What do you think you need? I can give it to you, whatever it is." Vinyl squeezed her knee tightly.
Lemon coughed into one hand. "I want closeness. You know... intimacy."
"Oh... the sex thing? I thought we talked about that."
"Yeah, we did... but I'm still not happy, Vinyl."
Vinyl pulled her hand back. "Geeze, is sex that important to you? Are you gonna dump me if I don't put out right now?"
"I'm not saying that!" Lemon frowned. "I just want to know that this relationship can go somewhere, Vinyl! That maybe someday we can have sex, get closer, get married... but it doesn't feel that way."
Vinyl rolled her eyes in irritation "Of course we can get closer someday, I told you. As soon as the time feels right I'll lay you down and give you the doggy-bowl treatment."
"But what does that mean?" Lemon demanded. "I'm sorry if I sound impatient but I need to know, because waiting for something that might never happen is just pissing me off!"
"I'm waiting to know for sure that I won't fuck it up again!" Vinyl shouted back. The two girls fell silent, glaring into each others' eyes until Vinyl pushed herself up from the couch to march anxiously across the room. "I don't want to go through that again! I just... I can't put everything I got into this until I have... you know, that moment where you just know you're gonna be together. Where you move past screwing it all up."
"Vinyl..." Lemon stood up, but didn't follow her around in her nervous pacing. "I don't know if that 'moment' exists. I mean... people get divorced all the time."
"Sure it does, it... it has to." Vinyl hugged herself tightly. "Otherwise how will I know it won't happen again? I just can't trust myself not to be stupid enough to not notice that everything's going... to..." she trailed off slowly, then turned back to Lemon. Her eyes were wide almost in terror as she backed away, even through the violet lenses. She could even see tears of panic at the corners of her eyes. "Like... like I already did, didn't I? I... totally didn't notice you weren't happy... I did it again..."
"Vinyl, no." Lemon pursued her slowly through the living room. "You didn't do it again. This isn't like it was with Octavia."
"Bullshit! It was heading there! And I wouldn't have noticed at all if you didn't!"
"I love hanging out with you, Vinyl! I love you! You're amazing! You're perfect for me!" Lemon put her hands over her chest. "You just need to trust me! You need to trust yourself!"
"How can I trust someone who does nothing but fuck up!?" Vinyl backed toward the door, her entire body shaking now. "I don't know how to handle a relationship, Lemon! I thought I could finally figure it out, but I didn't! I was blind and stupid and now it's just on the way to happening all over again! I'm sorry..." She turned to open the door, but Lemon slammed her body into Vinyl's and wrapped her arms around her.
Vinyl tried to tug the door open, but Lemon yanked with all her might, dragging Vinyl away from it. Vinyl struggled against her grip, yanking Lemon Zest back and forth until suddenly her left foot slammed into her right foot, and Vinyl tumbled to the living room carpet. Lemon came down on top of her with a grunt, but didn't let go, clinging to her tightly and resting her forehead on Vinyl's back as the girl slowly began to calm down.
"I'm sorry, Lemon Zest..." Vinyl's voice was shaking with every breath. "I should've known better than to get into this after what happened, and drag you along."
Lemon shook her head against her back. "You didn't drag me anywhere. I want to be here, I want to be with you... but maybe it would be better if it was as friends. Until you can figure things out for yourself, at least."
Deathly silence settled over the living room with the wall of speakers. Slowly Lemon Zest let her grip on her limp friend loosen, and sat up, staring down at her inert form. Vinyl lifted her hands slowly to her head, pushing her shades off to wipe at her eyes. It was now that Lemon realized her shoulders were shaking, and a faint sniffling could be heard in the silence. For a long time Lemon Zest waited, wanting to comfort her, but unsure how. What was appropriate in this kind of situation?
"If you're this down on yourself... maybe you should talk to someone." Lemon suggested. "I mean, if what happened with Octavia still gets to you this badly..."
Vinyl sniffled, turning her head sideways on the carpet. "You think I need a shrink?"
Lemon shook her head. "I dunno... but I want to see you get better, either way."
Silence reigned for a couple of long moments, then Vinyl wiped her eyes with one hand and slowly pushed herself up to a sitting position with the other. "Maybe you're right... I've never let myself get very far with the few girlfriends I had after Tavi. We had a good time but they always ended the same way... they left me. I thought it was because they were jerks who just wanted to get under my skirt and couldn't... maybe I was the problem the whole time."
Lemon shook her head. "You don't need to have sex with someone to get their approval... but I don't think you should be this afraid of being close to someone... do you?"
Vinyl took a deep breath, finally wiping the last of her tears from her bloodshot eyes. "No... I guess I shouldn't."
Lemon Zest reached out to take her hand between both of hers. "I understand if you don't want to see me anymore, but I'd like to be here to help you out, as a friend. I love hanging with you. Dancing, skating, trying out new music, we have a blast together. I'd hate to lose all of that."
Vinyl looked down at the carpet, then shook her head slowly. "I don't know, I just have a headache now. Give me a few days, and I'll call you if I decide to hang out with you again."
"Okay... that's fair..." Lemon Zest released her hand and stood up. "I'm sorry too, Vinyl..."
She left as quickly as she could, her legs robotically pounding down the pavement as she made her way through the suburb towards the bus stop. She didn't really see anything on her way. She passed numerous people, but she didn't see a single face. Even on the bus the landscape passed in a blur of motion and time, and it felt like only minutes later she was tromping down the sidewalk in her own neighborhood. She passed right by her own house without looking at it, marching up to Sour Sweet's place to ring the doorbell.
Sour Sweet opened with the door with a sour expression that instantly brightened when she saw Lemon's face. "Hey! What's going..." She stopped suddenly when she looked into her eyes. "Lemon...? Are you alright?"
Lemon Zest hobbled forward slowly, then threw her arms around Sour Sweet, unable to hold back the sobs that suddenly racked her body. Sour Sweet clung to her tightly and slowly lowered them to the floor, where she let Lemon Zest cling to her torso and cry into her shoulder.
"Hey, hey, come on..." Sour Sweet patted her back in confusion. "What's gotten into you?"
Lemon Zest didn't respond. She just wanted to cry right now...
***
More than a week had passed. Lemon Zest was sitting in her room with her pudgy dog in her lap and her eyes glued to the laptop resting on the bedsheets beside her. Her finger clicked slowly through the funny dog videos she had been perusing, each promising endless hilarity and yet none drawing a laugh out of her. She had never felt like this before, and she hated it. She had always laughed so readily, treating life like the good time it was. When could she go back to that?
Then, against the wood nightstand beside her, she heard her phone begin to vibrate.
