The Conversion Bureau: 3,000 Miles

by DerangedDingo

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Dark, Adventure
Length: 4563

A group of friends must race against the clock across The USA and become ponies to survive

Years after the Economic Fallout and emergence of Equestria, Three humans find themselves in a dire situation. In this race against the clock adventure, three friends known as Shane Wight, Codee Favre, and Sterling Cochran must not only survive the perils of the post apocalyptic American Wasteland, but give up their humanity. Can the three survive their trials and become ponies, or will they fail in their journey and die? (Currently receiving a major rewrite)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-18 02:14:01 UTC

Prologue: From Humble Beginnings

The sun rose into a smoggy sky above the ruins of what was once San Jose California. A foul smelling wind began to blow through the destroyed city, as if to herald the mornings arrival. However to the few living creatures left in the wreckage it only announced the coming of another day in a dying world. Very slowly, the few remaining life forms arose to begin another ordinary day in their hellhole. Such is the case of the three humans that slept atop the roof of “The 88”. The three males had been living atop the massive building for around four years, and they had fallen into a sense of monotony through their stability. The three had food, shelter, a few medical supplies, and most importantly the company of one another. Needless to say, they were blessed in this world. They had far more than half of the remaining human population, which was dwindling closer to extinction each day. Little did they know that on this day, they would finally be breaking free of their “Business as Usual”.

  One of the humans began to stir. He pushed himself up and out of the sleeping bag he rested in. As he stood he stumbled, nearly falling onto another one of the men. As usual Shane Wight had awoken with his usual groggy stupor. Shane never could seem to function properly in the mornings, but at the moment he didn't care about his mental awareness. As he was running on his base instincts. His physical needs had taken control, and what he physically needed was coffee, a piss, and a cigarette. Irritably he forced himself out of his sleeping bag and up onto his feet. His long dirty blond hair fell into his face as he popped his back and knuckles, grunting noisily as his spine shifted into alignment. The endorphin rush that came with the resetting of his vertebrae helped Shane’s head to clear itself somewhat.  He carefully stepped over the bodies of his still sleeping companions as he made his way to roof’s edge, where he did his business. Afterwards Shane retrieved his cigarette box and lighter from his coat pocket. The box clicked open in his grasp, and he retrieved one of the twenty four cigarettes he had painstakingly collected over the past few days. He gripped it with his mouth as he closed the box with one hand, and lit the cigarette with the other.

  “Starting early today are we?” a familiar and somewhat cynical voice questioned from behind Shane.

  “Yeah well, today is a special day Sterling.” Shane replied in a “matter of fact” tone. Trying to hide the fact that Sterling had just scared the shit out of him with his sudden breaking of the morning silence. The fact that Sterling constantly nagged him about his smoking habits actually bothered Shane less than his tendency to pop up out of nowhere.

   “Really now?” Sterling was unconvinced that the day had any significance to Shane, or any other creature left on the planet. “And why is today so sacred that you feel the need to wake up at dawn to smoke one of your precious cancer-sticks?”

  “Smug Bastard” Shane thought. He had known this question was coming, but in his current state he hadn’t been able to come up with a legitimate excuse in time. “Uhhh. It is the last day of March.” A feeble attempt, but it would have to do.

    Shane didn’t have a defense in the argument. So as his friend, Sterling had no choice but to drive the dagger in deep. “And what, pray tell, is so special about the last day of March?” Sterling loved being a thorn in Shane’s side. Shane knew he had lost. And if there was one thing he hated most it was losing in a petty argument to Sterling.

“Well Shit! It’s the day I decided to have a cigarette at dawn. Sue me.” Shane blew a heavy stream of smoke from his nostrils to show his disdain. Sterling was amused by the act. It made Shane look ridiculous.

“Lighten up man. I just don’t want you to end up dying young... You don’t deserve the easy escape.” Sterling didn’t intend any hostility behind his words, and Shane understood that. He was only looking out for a friend. And Shane also knew that Sterling had every right to worry. Shane had taken to chain smoking as a means of escape, and after four years of it, he had certainly taken some physical grief.  Shane considered talking to Sterling about quitting, but a stirring from a nearby sleeping bag cut his thoughts short.

The Sleeping bag unzipped and a blond head poked out,, the rest of Codee Favre followed it. “Jesus. How am I supposed to sleep with you two bickering like an old married couple?” Codee rose to his feet and began to stretch. “Fuck it. If I am up, I’m up.”

Sterling scoffed at the insult. “If I am married to that creature, then god help me. I hope that my wife can at least be a good wench and make me some breakfast.”

Shane had finally achieved his fully lucid state at that point. And he had been thinking about cooking some grub anyways. So he decided to play along with Sterling's stupid gambit.

“Fine. I will make the grub. But you have clean up duty afterwards.” Shane immediately got to work at putting a frying pan on the makeshift stove Codee had built them. He retrieved a package of “I can’t believe it’s not Bacon” from the refrigeration unit. Shane didn’t think the packets needed to be refrigerated, but the group had decided not to take any chances. The world may have nearly ended, but that wouldn’t make Food poisoning stop being a reality. Sterling grumbled nearby, not enjoying the idea of his newly assigned morning job. But ultimately the prospect of eating overruled his bitching. Shane opened the grubby plastic package and scooped the gelatinous pink substance onto the frying pan. It sizzled the way real bacon would have. But it was far too alien in any of its other qualities to live up to its name. After Shane had prepared the Grubby meal, the group sat down to breakfast and began to plan out the day ahead.

“I’m gonna go downtown and search for tech. The old Medical district used to have plenty of Body-mods. It’s a stretch, but I might find something useful.” Codee announced. Codee was the scavenger of the group. He always seemed to be finding useful tools or random junk around the city’s ruins during his excavations.

“Try to find a Laptop or a Threevee while you are out. I miss the hypernet.” Sterling had been hoping Codee would find one of the two devices ever since their previous Threevee had broken beyond repair the month previously. Codee simply nodded and stated he would keep his eyes open. He made no promises however. After the unfortunate destruction of the Threevee the group had turned to using an old boom-box as their primary source of information, as well as entertainment.  The trio enjoyed listening to various broadcasts, but each of them had their personal favorite. Codee enjoyed listening to the charismatic ramblings of the talk show host, “Mr.Man”. Who broadcasts news from around the country. Whenever Shane had his turns with the radio he preferred to tune into whatever cheerful sounding music he could find. Or if he was having one of his worst days, to the most depressing shit he could find, such as reports on PER bombings or HLF massacres. Once or twice while scanning the airwaves, he had stumbled upon various other interesting rogue broadcasts. Such as Cell phone calls between Conversion Bureaus, or the some of the Human Liberation Front’s maniacal ramblings about the end of the world at the ponies “Heretical Hooves”. And “Humans must die with dignity if we are to perish!”. Ever since that particular incident the three had gladly tuned into any of these anomalies they could find. Although the HLF’s monotonous bullshit wasn’t their favorite thing to hear. The group preferred to stay neutral in stupid squabbles. Well, the ones not involving them at least.

“I think I’m just gonna sit back and read today.” Sterling planned aloud.

“Oh boy. What an exciting day Sterling.” Shane mocked him. “But as long as you’re sticking around, I would love your assistance in working on my aim.” Shane meant of course that he would like to practise shooting his weapon. Sterling hated violence and preferred not to mess around with the dreaded gun. But he saw no harm in letting Shane have his fun.

“Plus-” Sterling thought. “The racket this is going to make will last longer if I don’t help.” Sterling cleared his throat before speaking. “Sure I will help. I mean what good are you if you get rusty with that evil thing? But first we gotta get our dailies done.  Lets start practise in a few hours.”  The group had taken to calling their chores dailies, after the repeatable quests in the MMO games of old, as they shared their tendency to be monotonous and a waste of energy.

Shane had hoped Sterling wouldn't have reminded him of the annoying tasks. “Man do you think we could just skip that crap today? I really don’t see a point in checkin’ the goddamn-” Shane’s voice trailed off into silence. “No way...Do you fucking hear that?”

What began as a dull buzzing rose from the distance and quickly grew into a mighty roar.

A roar that the group knew from their distant bitter memories. Codee, who had been silent until this point, quickly rose from his seat and pointed off into the horizon. A look of both excitement and terror adorned his face as he yelled. “GUYS! IT-IT’S A FREAKING AIRPLANE!”

Codee was correct in his exclamation. One of the great metal birds of mankind's past was soaring through the dreary sky, straight towards them. Shane recognized the shape of the plane, identifying it as a cargo transport jet. However the fact didn’t seem very important to him. As his immediate attention was drawn to the colorful dots that seemed to be swarming the jet.  An innumerable number of rainbow pastel dots were maintaining a scrambled perimeter.

“Are those dots a bunch of effing pegasus?” Sterling asked aloud.

“I would assume so. Celestia’s mark is on the side of the jet... And I doubt there are new multicolored creatures gifted with flight.” Codee answered. Sterling wondered how Codee had managed to spot Celestia’s mark on the plane. For him the swarming pegasi alone were enough to throw off his focus. Let alone the distance. But as the plane flew ever closer to the trio, he was able to clearly make out the royal insignia of the Equestrians. A simple, yet Elegant sun, adorned the airplane in multiple locations.

Shane whistled at the engineering beauty of the airplane. “What else can your elven eyes see Legolas?” Shane dramatically quoted.

“Well Fagathorn, I see a couple of pegasi coming to greet us.” Codee’s joking demeanor was laced with a deadly serious venom. “Get the guns. Now.”  Codee whispered sharply.

On instinct Shane’s hand was already at his hip, hovering over his revolver. Shane had learned much about combat over the years, through the various firefights, struggles, and raids. Shane had learned to ALWAYS be the first one to fire. Sterling however, avoided combat at all times. Much to the chagrin of his allies. Despite the fact Sterling still gripped a combat knife in his hand, ever hoping that he would never have to use the blade his father left him to take a life. Codee had calmly retrieved his hunting rifle from his sleeping bag. And held it at the ready as the two pegasi approached.

Shane’s heart began to beat faster and faster as the ponies came within his shooting range. His fear was not unfounded. You could never tell with these ponies, sure the majority of them were loving and tolerant and all that bullshit. But Shane knew from experience that there were always some bastards in the mix. “Still...” Shane thought, with a hint of shame. “ALL humans are evil. So I can’t go judging them.”

The pegasi were now less than fifty feet from the rooftop.  The trio could now clearly see that they were wearing armor. Which only served to increase the collective blood pressure of the humans. Swiftly the Golden Armored Ponies landed on “The 88’s” massive rooftop.  The two parties stood facing each other in silence for what felt like hours. Then one of the ponies spoke.

“Hail Humans! I am Lilyscotch of Celestia’s Royal Guard.” The high pitched voice identified it as a female, The humans wouldn’t have known her gender otherwise, as the armor covered the majority of her body and face. “This is my Supporting Officer, his name is Butterscotch.”

Shane had to restrain himself from snorting at their ridiculous names. He never did understand why these ponies insisted on naming themselves in such a faggy manner.

The cream colored stallion that stood next to her was practically shaking himself out his armor. Which produced an amusing clacking sound. Butterscotch was desperately afraid of the humans. “I-I hope that...that this isn’t a bad time for... you three. B-But-” Butterscotch couldn’t hold his composure in the least. So Lilyscotch interrupted his stuttering.

“As a member of Celestias Royal Guard, I am going to have to acquire some information from you three.” The mares voice was a stark contrast to her officers. Strong and demanding, she was obviously trained to handle these situations.

“Well that is wonderful! Because we got some questions for you too!” Codee stood his ground, speaking in an overly cheerful voice, he straightened his posture. Codee entered what Shane had often thought of as “Diplomat mode”. Codee used to enter this state of mind to resolve heated debates, or to end arguments at the D&D table.

Lilyscotch was dumbfounded. She had never once, in all her years, encountered somepony who would try to casually question one of Celestia’s finest! That being said though, the creatures that stood before her were definitely not ponies. They were apes. Monstrous, angry apes. So it was only natural that the beast wouldn’t know of or respect her authority. “Very well then. We will hold an information exchange conference.” Lillyscotch spoke to Butterscotch in Equestrian for a brief moment. The stallion nodded, and flew away towards the, now fading off into the distance, airplane. “I told him to inform the troop of my remaining here.” She clarified her intentions, and soothed the humans fear that she had ordered an attack.

Sterling, now seeing a chance to calm the atmosphere, decided to sheathe his knife. “Wonderful! I will make refreshments.” Sterling always was the type that preferred a comfortable chat over a few drinks over a sterner environment. The others preferred to keep business formal, but they weren’t going to argue. Drinks sounded nice.

Codee and Shane were not so eager to relinquish their grips on their weapons. They weren’t as trusting as Sterling, at least not anymore. Codee took a seat in a ratty old camping chair he had foraged a few years back. Shane hopped onto the ruined sofa he and Sterling had spent days lugging up The 88’s staircase only a month before now. Lilyscotch stood, waiting for an invitation to be seated from the humans. After a time she discovered that such manners were not going to be shown by the current company. So she made herself comfortable on her haunches.

Sterling quickly returned with the refreshments. Cola for the humans and Vanilla Tea for the pony. The group quickly began their discussions after acquiring their drinks. It was Codee that took first blood. “So what are a bunch of Celestia’s guards doing swarming an airplane over our humble town.” Codee stressed his venomous sarcasm.

“We are escorting the Aero-Plane to the Sacramento Conversion Bureau. It is nothing more than a resupply.” Lilyscotch didn’t miss a beat, her answer sounding all too well rehearsed. The group didn’t find it satisfactory.

“There are hundreds of resupply transports to that Bureau but never once has an airplane been involved. So you can understand our concern. Would you mind telling us why it is necessary?” Shane intended to dig anything he could out of the pony, as information was always valuable.

Lilyscotch sneered. She knew this humans game well. The griffon ambassadors were the same way. “The Aero-plane is transporting a massive shipment of the conversion potion to the Sacramento Bureau. We are expecting a large influx of conversions in the near future, so we are bolstering its stock to allow said conversions to progress. We couldn’t expect a group of Pegasi to safely and quickly transport such a large cargo. So we enlisted the aid of pre-conversion scientists to bring the salvaged Aero-plane into working condition.” Lilyscotch gave out a little more information than she cared to, but it appeased the human.

Codee felt something was amiss with her story. But he couldn’t quite place his finger on it. He ran the story through his head a few times and racked his mind for any possible discrepancies. Before he could solve the conundrum, Sterling spoke.

“Wait... Why would you expect an increase in Conversion? There's so few humans nowadays. And most of em are in the Human Liberation Front. What the hells up with that?”

Lilyscotch was sipping her tea when Sterling posed his question. Which was unfortunate for her. Because she nearly choked, she hadn’t realized that her story would have such a hole. Lilyscotch coughed and sputtered for a moment.

“Pokerface destroyed.” Codee thought to himself, his mouth curled into a sly smirk.

Lilyscotch took a few moments to regain her composure, then answered to Sterling. “Yes well...” Her distress was obvious as her voice cracked. “I can’t be sure why exactly our Princess has assumed that. But her wisdom is well founded. Most likely she is just trying to be prepared.” Lilyscotch gave the three a weak smile.

Don’t take us for dumbasses.” Shane cleared his throat. “We are fully aware that you are covering something up.” Shane opened his cola and took a drink. It burned his dry throat as he swallowed. “Now it's okay if you tell us that the information is classified. We won’t mind that at all. But we don’t appreciate being deceived.” He paused taking another drink. Shane loved the way the carbonation burned. “To be abso-fucking-lutely frank, It's hard for us to trust a government that lies. Look where deception got our species in the first place.”

Lilyscotch shifted uncomfortably. She couldn’t possibly tell the humans confidential information. She didn’t know the first thing about them. They hadn’t even introduced themselves! “It IS confidential information. I am sorry that I tried to deceive you. But it was necessary.” Lilyscotch decided she had answered to the humans enough. It was time for her to regain her authority in the conversation. “So now that it is my turn to play Interrogator. I would love to know more about you three. Who are you? What are you doing on the top of this massive building in the middle of a completely abandoned city? And why did you wield those weapons when you saw the plane?” She pointed one of her front hooves at Codee’s rifle then Sterling's knife. Shanes revolver had been holstered at his hip, concealed behind his leather coat.

The three men glanced at each other, as if making an unspoken agreement. Shane broke the moment.  “We have been living on this rooftop for just about four years now.” Shane swizzled his soda gently, staring into it as if it were a crystal ball reflecting their past. “We came up here from a shithole called Watsonville after... Well lets just say it was because of the economic fallout.” Shane bore a pensive and pained expression. “At first San Jose was packed with others. So the only place we could really find a home was in the alleyways or other destroyed buildings.”

Sterling cut in on the story. “But after people started shipping out to Conversion bureaus we got the chance to move into the good ol’ 88. Which as it turns out is pretty damn destroyed on the inside. So it was only natural we come up here for fresher air...Comparatively speaking of course.”

Codee found it was his turn to share. “And here we made our home. We defended it from raiders, moved furniture up here, got a few solar powered generators, and tried to go on with our lives. Actually we were quite successful in doing so. We all picked up hobbies and figured out ways to survive here. We get food and water on a stable basis. In fact we probably had the most stability in our group than any other out there.” Codee thought back on the unfortunate souls that slept in the streets. How they filled the road like ants trapped in an ant-farm. Eventually everyone else left. The people figured that there was nothing left here worth staying for. “I guess the bureau’s are where they went... Regardless the city was ours after that.”

“And so we are up to date. Three dudes living on a godforsaken rooftop in an abandoned city, in the lovely and scenic ruins of what was once California.” Shane concluded the tale.

Lilyscotch let all the information sink in. “Well that is something...” She had mixed feelings about their story. On one hoof, their story was a sad one. But on another, their story hadn’t given her ANY useful information, which was annoying. And then there was this feeling that she had... The Humans were definitely hiding something. “But I still need to know more. Specifically your names and why you took up arms at the sight of us ponies.”

“Our names aren’t important.” Shane tried to sound dramatic, like the cowboys of his old favorite western movies. Sterling and Codee would have none of his bullshit theatrics however.

“I’m Sterling. This is Codee, and the “Outlaw Josie Faggot” over on the couch is Shane.” And with that introduction Shane’s ego shriveled up and died for the day. Lilyscotch wasn’t impressed by the mysterious types anyways. She was also not impressed by how boring the human names were. To her human names always sounded bland and ambiguous. What was the difference between John and Joan? To her, nothing. What exactly do these names have to do with who the person is? She could see no relation.

“I see. So that leaves only one question unanswered. Codee, was it? Why don’t you tell me why you pointed that at my troop?” She once again pointed at the rifle. Codee didn’t answer her. He looked as though he was deciding on a painful decision, but once he had seemed to make up his mind and was about to speak, Shane rudely interrupted. “Well isn’t that fuckin’ obvious? We were getting ready to defend ourselves and our home.”

Lilyscotch didn’t understand what the human meant. “Defend yourself from what? We were going by peacefully, we have Celestias seal itself in plain sight on the Aero-plane! Does that not show our honorable and peaceful intentions?!” Lilyscotch took the human “defense” as a personal insult to the Princess. “Celestias subjects would never attack humans! Even those horrid Human Liberation Front monsters!” She glared at  Shane, only to receive a resolute expression of hatred back from him.

“You don’t know SHIT about this world!” Shane spat the words at Lilyscotch. “Your subjects have caused a HELL of alot of problems for us too. I bet you don’t even know about your fucked up little rebels do you!?” Shane stood up and began to make his way towards the stairwell. He wasn’t going to stick around, else he be tempted to murder a horse.

Lilyscotches mouth hung open. She couldn’t believe the stupidity of this monkey. To say that a pony would do such things. It was insane. To say that Celestia wouldn’t know of a violent rebel force of all things was absolutely absurd.

“He isn’t lying.” Sterling read her face easily. Even if it was a pony he had always been good at it.  “We have had to fight off ponies before. They go around with some sort of gas bombs that convert people against their will.” Sterling got up, abandoning his soda. “I’m gonna go see if he’s okay...” Sterling followed Shane's trail to the stairwell.

Lilyscotch still couldn’t believe the humans. They had to be making this up. A weaponized conversion potion? They had to be lying. After a few moments of awkward glances between her and Codee, she decided there was no longer any reason to stay in this wretched place.  “Well then. Now that the present company has dwindled, I think it is time I report back to my-”

“Wait.” Codee interrupted her farewell, his face solemn and pensive. “You need to know that we all lost family to the conversion bombs. I lost my Mother, Father, and Sister... Sterling lost his mother... Shane lost his mother, sister, and niece... It was during a raid on our hometown of Watsonville.” Lilyscotch was dumbfounded. More of the ridiculous claims? Codee must have read her thoughts, as he continued on. “I’m not telling you this because I want to convince you its true... I want you to do something for me... you ponies keep a log on the newfoals right?” Codee cringed at the “pony terminology”. He always hated that horsetalk.  “Please. When you go back to Equestria, find our families...”  Codee scrambled for a piece of scrap paper,  which he found. A ripped up magazine and a piece of charcoal. Codee wrote the names of the groups lost family’s onto it, tore the page out, and offered it to Lilyscotch. Who eyed the paper sullenly.

“Please... Look for whoever these people became. No matter where they are... You have to find them and tell them we are okay... Tell them that we miss them.” Codee held back pained tears as he pleaded. The pony just stared, but from her mourning expression, a caring smile grew.

“I will do what I can.” Slowly and carefully Lilyscotch took the paper in her mouth, then nodded once to Codee before galloping towards the roofs edge. Lilyscotch opened her wings and began to soar away. Codee watched as she slowly became a speck on the horizon. After she was out of his sight. Codee turned and made his way for the stairwell. Not wanting to be alone in his state.

“Hopefully things can stop being fucked around here.” He murmured to himself as he descended, searching for his friends.

-Authors notes-

This shit is hard to understand if you aren’t familiar with Conversion Bureau. I recommend reading a few others. Also this story is basically my first fic. So please, be as aggressive as you can with the scrutiny. I want to get better.

Thanks to my Prereaders, who apparently do not know proper formatting, just as I don't.

Oh and most importantly, Thank you to the conversion bureau authors whom I have blatantly (and unashamedly) stolen preconceived ideas from. Such as the Threevee.