Three Chubby Inglorious Bastards... and a Pony

by Smashology

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Original Character, Comedy, Random
Length: 2251

When Princess Twilight is kidnapped by a super villain, three fans will be the ones who will come to her rescue.

Fimfiction presents:

In association with Night_Shadow12 a struggling author's fanfic.

Starring: a decisive leader, the one who never stops speaking, the third one who no one remembers/cares, an over-the-top villain, an animated character, some gratitous cameos and tons of references.

Produced by no one.

Written by a guy who's dealing with his existential crisis.

Directed by Josh Haber, Neal Dusedau and Nick Confalone.

Featured on the popular stories list! (5/9/16-5/11/16)

Published 2016-05-09 18:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-09 18:00:01 UTC

Tonight's episode: Enter... The Scalper

Somewhere near your nearest neighborhood there was a house where 3 normal men lived. Like all men they get up, have breakfast, go to work, have lunch, work more, return to their home, have dinner, watch some TV and go to sleep. But they had a dark secret that only they knew: they were... bronies. Their names were Zeke, Adrian and Ralph and all of them had 3 passions, more like an obsession, in their lives: comics, videogames and colorful horses that learnt about friendship. This year they had been saving money to go to the BronyCon but because of the emergencies that all of us had (food, water, electricity, clothing, medicine, internet, taxes) they ended with no tickets for the convention. They were just arriving from doing their own business when they began to complain.

“Well, another year of not going to the most important convention after E3.”

“Come on Adrian it’s not that bad” Zeke calmly said. “At least we have enough material for the next podcast.”

“Oh sure, for like 30 minutes” said Ralph complaining.

“Just shut up” said Zeke. “Instead of complaining let’s start to think how we’re going to spent the next day.”

After thinking about it Adrian proposed something that will change the rest of the day forever.

“How about our lovely PlayStation with more than 50 games to play, 200 dollars for pizza, TV, Netflix, no phone calls from anybody and most importantly just us for this weekend?”

“...I like that” answered Ralph. “For once you have reason.”

“I second that nomination.”

“Alright then let’s the games begin.”

“But first let me turn the TV on” said Zeke. “To make sure we aren’t missing something.”

While Adrian checked on his phone the material they had for their next podcast and Ralph went to the kitchen for food Zeke pressed the On/Off switch, it received the signal of a channel specialized in conventions and this time it was broadcasting this year’s BronyCon.

“Guys, it’s the BronyCon!”

“Oh don’t remind me of that” said Ralph complaining once more. “The last thing I want to see is our frustrated attempt to go there.”

“It’s better than nothing. Let’s give it a try” said Adrian, trying to make his friend feel better. “Besides, it’s that or watching another Let’s Play of Super Mario 64.”

After thinking about it Ralph came to a logic solution.

“BronyCon it will be.”

“That’s the spirit.”

The main shot of the convention was the panel of conferences, there appeared from the background Princess Twilight Sparkle... well sort of but it was definitely her majesty. She saluted all her fans and started to speak.

“Hello everypony!”

The chant of the crowd was loudly enough that the people outside the building could hear it. The alicorn turned down the volume by nodding the fans and approached to the main podium.

“Sorry my friends aren’t here this time but I can assure they’re doing important things to save Equestria. Now let’s begin the questions section” she carefully inspected throughout the crowd and picked one fan out of it. “You, the one with the MVP shirt, what’s your problem?”

The one with the MVP shirt stood up from his chair and spoke loudly. “You see, all girls think that I’m ugly and I hate that. I was wondering if I should change my appearance to feign being more attractive.”

“You always are what you choose to be, you have to believe in yourself. Maybe they find you... different now but I’m sure that once girls get to know the real you you’ll get plenty of dates. Ok next question” a random guy from the crowd raised his hand and she selected him. “You, the guy with the glasses.”

“Yes, over here” the fan started to speak. “In episode 5 of season 2, Berry Punch was competing in the Sisterhooves Social race but then she appears in the crowd. Please to explain it.”

“Well, whenever you notice something like that, Discord did it.”

“I see. All right but in Episode 13 of–”

“Discord.”

“For crying out loud.”

The glass of the building’s roof started to shatter and finally it crumbled.

“What’s happening?” she asked.

A giant claw like the ones from the toy machines appeared and above it was a guy dressed in a green-and-black costume, using a blue mask that covered his face as well as blue gloves, red boots and a green-and-black cape. “Behold! I am The Scalper! And I’m here to add you to my collection!”

The giant claw caught Twilight and, unable to open her wings and use her magic, was taken from the building. As the event was being broadcasting the cameramen exit the building and chased the super villain. The Scalper slipped across the mechanism that was holding the claw and went inside his truck, escaping from BronyCon with her. The team got in their cars and began the chase persecution scene.

“Care for a date, sweet Princess Twilight?” he asked to her as he stuck his head out of the window.

“All right Scalper stick this in your tweezers” Twilight was furious, she put her hooves on her head as a sign or despair. “I’m not Twilight Sparkle! I’m a voice actress, you lunatic!”

“Oh, please I’m not insane. I simply wish to take you back to my lair and make you my bride” he looked at the camera of the team. “As for you turn that camera off.”

“But sir we need your takes for–”

“I’m just doing my job, now turn that damn camera off!”

Both the cameramen and The Scalper struggled to get the shot or interrupt the shot when the camera fell off the car and the signal was lost. As the colorful bars screen was transmitting and a beep sound was listened the 3 grown up men watched all this in their TV and realize the new task for the weekend.

“Wow, I mean wow” said Ralph surprised. “That was the most fucking awesome BronyCon I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I told you we should have gone!”

“That’s not important guys, duty calls us. Let’s go!” exclaimed Adrian.

They headed to their secret headquarters downstairs, where they kept an eye on the city. Secret I said? You see, there was another dark secret they only knew: they were superheroes. How do they get their powers? Who cares? They just exist. When duty called them they transformed into “The Chubby Inglorious Bastards”, conformed by:

*insert corny TV superhero theme here*

• Zeke. Name: Jumpscare. Outfit: A party host tuxedo with top hat, a bow tie and a bear mask included. Power: screaming so loud that the glass broke into pieces. Weakness: Being silent, security guards working at a pizzeria.

• Adrian. Name: Dynamic Needle. Outfit: A blue nylon suit that covered his entire body and face with a pair of red sneakers. Power: going incredibly fast and expel thorns. Weakness: Chili-dogs, plumbers, psychotic girlfriends.

• Ralph. Name: Wombo Combo. Outfit: A green bounty hunter suit, yellow helmet with black shades, fox’s ears and tail and red boots. Power: Super strength. Weakness: Not letting him curse, beautiful women, ZeRo & Mew2King.

In their headquarters Dynamic Needle checked on the city map, Jumpscare the cameras of the city, so they could know the whereabouts of The Scalper’s truck and Wombo Combo prepared the camera... if they found something interesting along the way.

“He seems driving to... the dock” said Jumpscare.

“How do we get there?” asked Wombo Combo.

“Nobody panic, I know what to do” said Dynamic Needle as he carried up their partners.

They went at the speed of sound to the cargo bay, where all the shopaholics and profiteers gathered to get as much merchandise they could grab. Outside one of the storages was the truck with the giant claw and inside of it was The Scalper with his booty: merchandise, ponies and other creatures of all kind, all inside giant plastic pouches. He was putting Twilight inside one and hanging her to a wall.

“Fear not my syndicated sweetie” he was cocky. “You’ll be preserved in this plastic pouch forever remaining in near-mint condition between Rarity and, of course, Kirby and Ness.”

Twilight turned her head to her left. “Rarity, you too?”

“This guy’s crazy. He locks us here to forces us to be in his own wedding broadcast all around the world! What kind of ruffian would be that stupid to do that?”

“And the others? Are they here?”

“Yes but for some reason he placed them in groups of two inside a bag, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy in one and Applejack and Rainbow Dash in another.”

The pink alien sobbed a little, he looked scared.

“Shut up, you retarded pink puffball!”

The Chubby Inglorious Bastards arrived to the storage and went into it.

“I don’t think so” said Dynamic Needle.

“Me neither” added Jumpscare.

“I don’t have a tagline so I’ll just copy-paste theirs” replied Wombo Combo.

“Your collecting days are over, Scalper!”

“Stop right there!” said The Scalper while he pulled a weapon from his outfit. “I have here the only working phaser ever built.”

“Why?” Twilight asked annoyed.

“It was fired only once to keep M. Night Shyamalan from making another Avatar movie.”

Before Jumpscare had the opportunity to scream The Scalper shot to him and Dynamic Needle while Wombo Combo dodged the shot.

“Wombo Combo! Help!” screamed Dynamic Needle.

“Just a sec.”

Wombo Combo was seeing behind the door some beautiful sailor women who were transporting the boxes across the cargo bay, but he was so distracted by them to not notice that the villain had imprisoned and chained his friends to a crane with a hook at the end of its rope and shot once to him, this time he felt unconscious. The next time they woke up they were attached to the rope with chains and about to have a Lucite bath in a pool. And it seemed there was no way to get out: Jumpscare had his mouth shut with duct tape and Wombo Combo had a copy of Thor’s Mjolnir glued to his chest so he couldn’t use his strength to free them, or at least that was what The Scalper thought.

“I’m unbelievably amused.”

The Scalper returned to Twilight, who was bothered but not amused about his host’s behavior, to try to win her over.

“Soon those bratty little pricks will be encased in Lucite for all eternity. While we’re waiting, here are some names you may call me on our wedding night” he pulled a paper from his outfit, cleared his throat and spoke. “Princesses Celestia and Luna, Master Chief, Gordon Freeman and, of course, Mario.”

“What do you need me for?” she was annoyed. “You could have your choice of any of the ponies in these bags. Or even a human like you.”

“You would think so, but no.”

“Really?” she asked surprised. “Well, I mean, maybe we are meant for each other. When I was in Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns I was too short for my age and the other ponies made fun of me. I... I always hoped for another misunderstood soul to share my pain. You could be that soul, Scalper. Oh come here, you. This Bella needs her Edward.”

They were about to kiss when surprisingly Twilight grabbed the villain with her hooves. “Got your lips!” and began to beat the crap out of him, punching him repeatedly in the face, the hits were so hard she freed from her plastic prison, her menacing look said she was ready for more. In a last attempt to save his ass The Scalper resorted to his last weapon.

“Wait!” Twilight stopped from a second just to hear him well. “My mother’s name is Martha.”

A moment of silence was done. Everything remained in their places.

“Mine is Velvet” Twilight proceeded to kick him in the balls, leaving him unconscious.

“Don’t underestimate the power of a pony.”

After that strange situation Twilight used her hooves to untie the Chubby Inglorious Bastards, they freed the rest of the prisoners and guided them to the exit.

“Thanks for saving us” said Dynamic Needle.

“We owe you one” added Jumpscare. “With this alone now we have material for our podcast this Monday. We could have you and your friends as invited guests if you want.”

“No problem. Now let’s get you home.”

Twilight held them with her hooves and flew into the sky, not with her wings but with a superpower of her own leaving a small, purple trail of light behind her.

“Wait a minute. Twilight doesn’t have superpowers” complained Wombo Combo.

“I told you I’m not Twilight. I’m Tara Strong.”

“Ooooooooooh” all men said at unison.

And the 4 heroes flew to the sunset as the ending credits passed.

Author's Note

Superhero facts:

-The original title was "Desperately Twinking Twilight."
-I know the cover has nothing to do with the plot itself but here's the thing: there was a scene where The Scalper tried to defeat "Twilight" with a Villager Amiibo until she reminded him he had took it from its original packaging but it felt so out of place and so random that I had to cut it. The image is a reminder of that scene (plus I didn't know what to use for the cover).
-If you can guess all the references included in the story I owe you a coke.