Omnomnomicon

by Bubble Boom

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4398

Twilight accidentally loans Pinkie Pie a book full of evil spells disguised as a cookbook. Near total Ponyville destruction ensues.

Do you need a cupcake that’s to die for and suitable for gatherings? Then look no further than this devilishly decadent dark chocolate and oat cupcake with wickedly, irresistibly sweet frosting. One bite and your party will never eat anything else again.

Thanks to Fuzzyfurvert for pre-reading and editing.
Cover art by me.

Published 2016-05-10 07:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-10 07:00:01 UTC

Omnomnomicon

A circle of books floated overhead in Twilight Sparkle’s newly established library. The spectacular space was complete with antechamber and enormous hall with high vaulted ceilings and built-in shelves. Large crystal lamps added ample light to read even the smallest script. The shelves were still bare, unfortunately, since Twilight lost most of her beloved books when the Golden Oaks Library burned down. In the weeks after she moved into the castle, Twilight made deals with booksellers across Equestria for a wide array of new books. She purchased crates and boxes of books, often sight unseen, at markets, by mail order, and at bookstores across the kingdom and beyond. Now books were arriving by the cart load, and the somewhat obsessive princess felt the need to organize them as quickly as possible.

The alicorn magically scooted another open box of books across the floor while simultaneously swinging one of the levitated books down to eye level. “’A Pony’s Planner to Planting Pansies,’” Twilight inspected the first book. “Non-fiction. Instructional. Gardening. That pile is… over there.” Twilight smiled as she dropped the book into one of multiple growing piles behind her. Twilight knew she’d gone overboard with the books, so each one sorted felt like its own small victory.

“Let’s see... ‘The Complete Magician’s Compendium’ – Ooo, I’ll put that in my pile to read tonight!” She grinned happily and set the book aside in a mountain of books for that evening. “Next! ‘A Tail of Two Fillies?’ A historical romance about two socially prominent, star crossed mares. Who did I buy this one from!?” Twilight raised an eyebrow at the questionable title.

Just as Twilight was about to relocate the supposed historical novel, bright, multi-colored streamers and confetti blasted her full force. The explosion plastered the entire side of her body and face with confetti and streamers. Twilight jumped,gritted her teeth, and her tail frazzled from the fright. The books previously held aloft with her magic fell around her in a series of dull thuds as her concentration broke. Her facial expression fell flat as she struggled to keep her annoyance in check. One final book beaned Twilight square between the eyes, falling open over her muzzle before joining the others at her hooves. Her left eyelid twitched as she greeted her guest in a flat, deadpan voice, “Hello, Pinkie Pie. How are you?”

The pink pony bounced out from behind Twilight and hugged her tightly. “I’m doing GREAT, Twilight! Do you like my new mini party cannon? I’m so EXCITED about it!”

“Well, it certainly makes a statement, Pinkie.” Twilight shook her shoulders to loosen the confetti. Her horn glowed as she removed a particularly sticky blue streamer from her mane.

Meanwhile, Pinkie, ever active, darted around the room, picking up and opening random books at hyper speed. “OOO. You got new books! Are there any interesting ones?”

“Oh yes! I’ve sorted through about a fourth of the books in this shipment so far. I’ve found seven manuscripts on magic, two about mystical phenomena, and one on obscure sorcerers from the early days of Canterlot –“

“No, Twilight, I said interesting.” Pinkie Pie cocked her head to the side, rolled her eyes upward, and let her mouth hang open. She immediately switched her expression to a massive grin at her friend.

“I did find some cookbooks earlier, but I didn’t really look at them. They’re over in that corner.” Twilight motioned to a small disheveled, unorganized pile in the far corner. Most of Twilight’s favorite books would never interest Pinkie. And the alicorn didn’t have much use for the cookbooks; Twilight could hardly make a sandwich. The cookbooks would likely remain, abandoned, until she was done organizing and reading the useful tomes.

Pinkie Pie danced excitedly in place and exclaimed, “Can I look? Can I look?”

“Of course! Feel free to lo—”

Pinkie shot off to the corner and, suddenly wearing a modest red striped one piece swimsuit, snorkel mask, and flippers, dove face first into the books. Twilight pursed her lips and furrowed her brow as she watched Pinkie rummage around, almost swimming, with her curly tail sticking out from the pile. She opened her mouth to question what she saw, but she decided not to question Pinkie’s special brand of magic.

Twilight shook her head and turned back to the unsorted books. “This could take forever!” she sighed, wishing there was a spell to categorize her books – perhaps later she would begin researching the possibilities. Twilight managed to break herself away from running spell scenarios in her head and categorized a few more books before Pinkie popped out from behind her again.

“Twilight!” Pinkie Pie squeaked happily, clutching a thick book in her hooves, ignoring her friend’s twinged, startled reaction.

“Y-Yes, Pinkie?” Twilight managed through a forced grin. She would never get used to Pinkie’s ability to appear and disappear at random.

“Can I have this one? It has all kinds of yummy desserts in it!” She opened the book and smacked her hoof repeatedly against a drawing of a richly colored cupcake. Pinkie looked at Twilight with pleading, hungry eyes.

Twilight glanced at the cookbook dismissively. It would be easier to finish her work without Pinkie’s constant interruptions. “Sure, sure.”

“WHEE! Thank you! Thank you!” The bubbly pink pony placed the book on her head and bounced out the door. “I can’t wait to try some of these recipes! Byeee, Twilight!”

Twilight continued looking through her new book collection, thankful the silence she needed for the task returned.

Pinkie barely managed to shut the door to Sugarcube Corner before flipping through the book and looking at the pictures. She propped the book against a canister of sugar in the fully stocked baker’s kitchen and slowly turned the pages of the old cookbook.

“These all look so yummy!” She smacked her lips and drooled as she literally poured over each page.

“Oooo. Maybe this one! Or this one!” Pinkie stopped on a page with a chocolate cupcake overflowing with thick, voluminous pink and red frosting. She read the description, “Do you need a cupcake that’s to die for and suitable for gatherings? Then look no further than this devilishly decadent dark chocolate and oat cupcake with wickedly, irresistibly sweet frosting. One bite and your party will never eat anything else again.”

Her eyes grew wide. She backed two hoof steps away from the book. “Oh my gosh! A cupcake that’s to die for?!” She stood with her mouth agape for what seemed like hours in Pinkie time. Then she vanished out of the kitchen in a blur of confetti and sparkles, reappearing moments later wearing a chef’s hat and an apron. “I have to make this cupcake!”

She rummaged through the cabinets for mixing bowls, spoons, a whisk, measuring cups, and her favorite spatula, whose name is Fred. Tools gathered, Pinkie Pie cracked her hooves and neck. Her eyes narrowed in seriousness as she proclaimed, “Let’s do this.”

Pinkie Pie ran her hoof down the page to the recipe’s instructions. “’This recipe yields one gross of cupcakes.’ What?! Cupcakes aren’t gross!”

She scratched her head and looked for guidance from Fred the spatula, who sat unassumingly on the counter. “I’m just going to skip that part. We good?”

The spatula replied in a voice that sounded eerily like Pinkie’s, “We good.”

“Okay then!” Pinkie grinned and kept reading, “This is pretty standard. ‘Mix dry ingredients together and add to cauldron. Then add wet ingredients carefully and stir until combined.’ A cauldron? Okay, standard except the cauldron part. I must be making a bazillion cupcakes!” Her eyes sparkled at the prospect of infinite cupcakes.

She knew there was a cauldron somewhere at Sugarcube Corner, but she couldn’t remember where it was. Pinkie nudged open the door to the front parlor and leaned in. “Mrs. Cake?” Pinkie whispered, waving wildly to the pony looking at her from behind the counter. Her volume increased, “Do you know where the cauldron is?”

“It should be in the broom closet, dear.” Mrs. Cake calmly replied as she passed a bag of candies to a customer pony.

“Thank you!” Pinkie squealed and dived back into the kitchen, letting the door swing back and forth behind her.

The enthusiastic pony bounced over to the broom closet and swung the door wide open. “So, it’s in here somewhere,” Pinkie assured herself as she tossed out a broom, mop, several buckets, a lone bowling pin, old photo albums, skis, and a bouquet of balloons. She searched further and pulled out Gummy, setting him down gently. She stuck her tongue out in concentration as she kept looking until she found the elusive cauldron.

Pinkie Pie let out an accomplished giggle and shoved out the heavy iron cauldron covered in spider webs. She blew off the cobwebs and dust in a big puff. Pinkie gritted her teeth as she pushed and heaved the cauldron with her head across the kitchen. “HHHHNNGH! There! Cauldron – check!”

“Alrighty, what’s next? ’To ensure your cupcakes are to die for, take special care in the act of preparation.’ I always take care when I make desserts,” Pinkie said as she raised her hoof in affirmation.

“’As you start this recipe, ensure that you circle yourself.’” Pinkie shrugged and started chasing her tail. Pinkie enjoyed spinning in circles so much she continued spinning, “Circle myself – check! Oh, little dizzy there, Pinkie,” she giggled as she held her head to steady her wobbly eyes. “Gee, I’ve never had to stir myself before! This recipe has a sense of humor.”

Pinkie Pie returned to the cookbook. “Next are the wet ingredients, yum! Softened butter, melted dark chocolate, vanilla extract, shortening, thistle milk – wait a minute! Thistle milk isn’t yummy. It must mean two percent milk.”

Pinkie opened the refrigerator to retrieve the ingredients. She easily found the butter, shortening, and milk. She placed the butter on the counter to soften. She pulled a large bag of chocolate chunks from the pantry and set it next to the butter. Then she opened one of the overhead cabinets revealing shelf after shelf of spices. She scanned the labels until she located the jug of vanilla extract, the only thing Mrs. Cake kept in such large quantities.

She checked the list of wet ingredients once more. “Aaaand then I need the tears of a unicorn.” Pinkie scratched her head with her hoof, her jaw grinding in slow thought. “Tears… of… a… unicorn…” She pondered.

Pinkie exclaimed “Aha!” and raised her hoof in triumph. A lightbulb turned on over Pinkie’s head at the same time. She dropped her hoof to her side. “Wat?” She blinked, attempting to wrap her head around how her eureka moment triggered the light.

“Just turning the light on, dear!” Mrs. Cake smiled as she gathered a tray of cookies fresh from the oven.

“Mrs. Cake!” Pinkie exclaimed. “It was you! I thought maybe I’d suddenly developed telekinesis and zappy powers! Pew, pew!” Without missing a beat, Pinkie grabbed the photo albums she found earlier and slipped them into a saddle bag, “I’ll be right back. I need to go get a special ingredient real quick.”

Mrs. Cake looked worriedly at the mess in the kitchen, but the pink pony trotted out the door before she could say anything.

Pinkie Pie knocked loudly on the door of Carousel Boutique and waited. She peeked in the saddlebag at her side to make sure she had everything she needed.

Rarity opened the door and leaned against the frame. “Hello, Pinkie, darling! Come on in! How can I help you today?” The fashionista pushed the door ajar and held out her hoof to usher Pinkie inside.

“Well, I was looking through my stuff and found a bunch of photo albums from when we were fillies!” Pinkie grinned and shook the photo albums out on a nearby table. “I thought you might want to use these as inspiration for your next fashion show!”

Rarity bit her lip nervously and backed away a step. “O-oh, Pinkie, I don’t think anypony needs to see those, let alone fashion inspired by it.”

“Of course they would! You were always so spiffy!” Pinkie said with a squeak. She sorted through the album until she located the photo. “Like this one! Our manes were so poofy and awesome! And everything had buttons and bows!” She popped the photo out and shoved it into Rarity’s hooves.

“Pinkie, dear, that was the fashion back then – but, oh, I looked absolutely awful! Terribly horrid.” Already Rarity’s lips quivered.

“How about this one? I think it was later that year, remember? I made those glitter macaroni necklaces!” Pinkie pushed a photo of herself with Rarity and Fluttershy wearing the noodle necklaces covered in globs of glitter. And to top it off, they were all wearing oversized sweaters with bows.

“No, I think that particular fashion should stay in the past, Pinkie. Oh, I’d almost forgotten all my fashion faux paus from back then!” Her friend’s eyes welled up with tears.

Pinkie hugged Rarity. “It’s okay, Rarity! We all looked like dorks back then!” At that Rarity burst out crying and buried her face in Pinkie’s shoulder. Pinkie continued to comfort her friend as she slowly brought out a small jar.

“There, there. It’s okay now. Every creative artist has to go through growing phases. You’re such a great designer! ” Pinkie nodded knowingly as she consoled Rarity and caught the tears rolling down her cheeks in the jar. She hoped Rarity was wearing waterproof mascara. Though the last time Pinkie tried to use makeup as an ingredient, it ended poorly. She rubbed Rarity’s back and collected more tears.

Pinkie snapped her hoof. “Maybe you could use the photos to convince ponies not to relive the old days?” She capped the jar of unicorn tears and put it back into her saddlebag.

Rarity sniffed as her sobbing slowed. “Yes, that sounds like a most excellent plan, Pinkie. However, can you leave those photos here? I feel the need for a warming bonfire.”

Pinkie whipped out a book of matches and nodded excitedly, “Got ya covered.”

A tree stump served as an impromptu table while Pinkie read the next part of the cupcake recipe. She licked her lips and waggled her tail in excitement. She would need the standard flour and sugar along with some of Ponyville’s most favorite flavors – flaxseed, oats, rosehips, and dandelions. Most of these ingredients were already back at Sugarcube Corner, but one ingredient had another special note next to it. The final ingredient Pinkie needed would definitely be at the market.

The Ponyville farmers’ market bustled with activity. The market provided all the staples and regional specialties, making it ideal for regular ponies who cooked simple meals at home to local chefs to restaurateurs from Canterlot. Each stall was decorated with bright awnings and hoof painted signs.

Pinkie usually visited the market once a week to collect supplies for Sugarcube Corner, but today was a special occasion. The farmers and vendors warmly waved and greeted Pinkie, and she said hello to everyone in turn.

Pinkie spotted the stall she needed to visit and happily plodded up to the table full of dandelions and dandelion accessories. “Hi there! Do you have any dandelions?” she narrowed her eyes, glancing back and forth as she whispered.

“Why yes, Miss Pie, you know I have dandelions. What can I do you for today? Dandelion stems, dandelion leaves, dandelion roots, dandelion seeds, tender young dandelion shoots, dried dandelion, or powdered dandelion?” He waved his hoof across the spread.

“Do you have any… dandelions picked under a blood moon?” Pinkie questioned unwaveringly.

The vendor’s jaw dropped and brow furrowed as he considered Pinkie’s question. “B-blood moon, you say?” He shuffled through the piles of nearly every type of dandelion possible – but none picked under a blood moon. He hadn’t sold any dandelions all day though. Somewhat desperate to make a sale, the stallion stammered, “W-why yes. Yes, I do,” he repeated himself to sound more convincing.

“Excellent! I need two bundles of dandelions picked under a blood moon, please.” Pinkie grinned and tossed a few bits to him. The vendor bagged the ‘blood moon’ dandelion bundles and passed them to Pinkie, who tucked them gently into her saddlebag.

“Enjoy…!” The stallion called after her. He wasn’t sure what to think of Pinkie Pie sometimes. He shrugged and continued calling to passing ponies, “Dandelions! Get your fresh wildcrafted dandelions! Hoof-picked this morning!”

“I will, thanks!” Pinkie shouted back excitedly. She trotted home, victorious and impressed with her own ingredient collection skills.

Now back at Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie emptied her spoils from her saddlebags. “Alllllrighty, I have everything the recipe calls for, more or less. ‘After the batter is mixed, circle the cauldron widdershins.’”

Pinkie paused and read the passage again. She couldn’t understand how this cookbook was published with so many spelling errors. First thistle milk and now this!
“What in Equestria is a widdershins?” Pinkie stroked her chin with her hoof. “I know! I should ask Twilight!”

The piles of books were overwhelming. A new manuscript delivery that morning left Twilight’s library even more filled than before. She kept sorting until some categories of books were so vast that the stacks started leaning. Twilight had just emptied another box of books when she was interrupted by a giggling pink mare.

“Hi, Twilight!” Pinkie blasted, jumping out from behind the startled Twilight. “What does widdershins mean?”

Twilight whinged and lowered her ears, her teeth gritting together hard. “Hello again, Pinkie. Let’s see...” Twilight blinked in thought as she recalled the word’s entry from the dictionary, “It means to move counterclockwise.”

“That’s it?!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Yes, that’s it. Hey, Pinkie, I’m really busy today. Is there anyway you can hold off questions for a while?”

“Sure! That was all I needed, buddy o’ mine!” Pinkie quipped.

“Oh–Pinkie, why do you need to know –”

“See you later, Twilight!”

She turned to see Pinkie bounding out the door. Twilight momentarily pondered why Pinkie would need to know the word widdershins, but shrugged it off. It was Pinkie Pie, after all, and what Pinkie Pie did was sometimes a mystery.

Pinkie Pie donned her chef’s hat and apron again. She skipped over to the cauldron, still sitting in the middle of the kitchen, and started tossing in ingredients. First she eyeballed the milk and poured it directly into the cauldron. Pinkie giggled as she dropped in the shortening and softened butter with a satisfying plonk. She balanced the jug of vanilla extract on her nose while trying to pour it and slam dunked Rarity’s tears into the cauldron, followed by eggs that she rolled along the rim of the cauldron until they popped apart and fell in.

She smiled and danced over to the cupboard to pull dry ingredients. Pinkie rolled jars of oats, sugar, and flour, possibly the kitchen sink as well, down one hoof to the other where they delicately landed on the counter. She swung around to address the ingredients from the marketplace. Pinkie then pulled out a cleaver and laughed maniacally with her hooves in the air. She looked over and Spatula Fred sat there with no reaction. She sighed, thinking Fred’s sense of humor needed some work, as she chopped up the dandelions and rosehips. She flung the chopped botanicals and remaining dry ingredients into the cauldron.

Pinkie looked into the cauldron. She still needed to add the chocolate, however, she felt like the recipe was missing something. “These cupcakes are supposed to be really good, but what could make these cupcakes even better?”

She pondered, one hoof on her elbow and the other tapping her head, until a bottle of sprinkles rolled out of the cupboard and hit her on the nose. “Duh, of course! Sprinkles right in the cupcake! That’ll make them so cute and speckly and nummy!” She opened the sprinkles and dumped the entirety of the bottle in.

Chocolate was next. Pinkie would need to prepare enough chocolate for the cupcakes and the frosting. She juggled large chunks of chocolate, landing them into a pan on the stove. Spatula Fred nudged the chocolate chunks around as the heat turned the edges of the chocolate to liquid. Pinkie held Fred close and huffed the aromatic, sweet air above the melting chocolate.

She scraped the sides of the pan with Fred and attempted to resist licking Fred clean. Well, she failed at resisting and popped the poor spatula in her mouth as she poured the chocolate into the cauldron and stirred furiously. The contents smoothed into a thick, surreal dark brown batter.

The batter was ready. The oven was heated. She approached the cauldron and proceeded to trot widdershins and backwards. Pinkie added some tail shaking in for extra flourish.

“Whew. This is the longest it’s ever taken me to make cupcakes. These better be THE BEST cupcakes in the world!”

Pinkie prepared all the muffin tins she could find with sparkling pink and purple cupcake liners. She wasn’t really sure how many cupcakes she was making, but it sure looked like a lot of batter in the cauldron. It was a cauldron after all! She filled multiple trays and popped them into the oven. She paused from her fast paced preparation to watch the cupcakes bake for a few moments. Her mouth was already watering.

Pinkie mixed the frosting and discussed different cupcake toppings with Fred while she waited for the cupcakes to finish baking. The recipe didn’t mention any decorations, but “A cupcake has to have some kind of decoration,” Pinkie proclaimed. After she eliminated the possibility of using nuts, candles, marzipan flowers, grass clippings, bacon, candied cherries, and confetti, she opted to simply add even more sprinkles.

The oven dinged and Pinkie zipped over to pull out the cupcakes to cool. The tops of the cupcakes looked full and puffy. The intense smell of chocolate and herbs made Pinkie drool – even more so than cupcakes normally would.

“OH MY GOSH, these smell A-MA-ZING!” Pinkie shrieked. “Okay, Pinkie. Control yourself. They just have to cool and then frosting and then –!” Pinkie smacked her lips in anticipation.

After the cupcakes cooled, which seemed like forever to Pinkie, she managed to control herself and frosted all of the cupcakes. She added an extra thick layer of chocolate frosting since it smelled so good. Pinkie zipped out of the room and returned with a party cannon and covered every cupcake with an extra heavy layer of sprinkles. “There we go! Sprinkles make everything better!”

“Done!” She squealed with excitement. “I can’t wait any more! I have to try one!”

Pinkie gingerly took a bite of the cupcake, sprinkles spilling and sticking everywhere. She chewed, mulling the taste over in her mouth. Then the cupcakes fully hit her tastebuds and exploded in her brain with a symphony of flavor. Pinkie’s eyes rolled back as she tried to comprehend her newest cupcake creation. She suddenly froze rigid in place. Her brain or tummy couldn’t resist anymore, and she slid down the table, eating every cupcake one after another.

Pinkie woke up surrounded by all her friends looking down at her with deep concern. She moaned and attempted to stretch. She couldn’t move. Her whole body was covered in casts and held in traction. The most she could manage was a wiggle of her hooves. She recognized the sterile clean smell of the Ponyville hospital but had no clue what placed her in traction.

“What happened? Why am I here?” Pinkie squinted around in confusion. “And why does my tongue taste like the south end of a northbound yak?”

Twilight laid a hoof on her friend, “Pinkie, you’re in the hospital. We’ve been so worried about you. You’ve been out for days now!” Twilight exclaimed. She paused and searched her friend’s confused face. “Don’t you remember anything?”

Pinkie blinked rapidly as she processed what she could remember. “Ummmm… I remember… just… just the most amazing, delicious cupcakes in the entire world!” She squealed in excitement until she ran out of breath. She breathed in deeply as if to continue the squeal. Instead she grinned and asked, “You guys gotta try them. I’ll make them again.”

The mares glanced over to Twilight, seemingly unsure how to respond. Twilight yelled, “Are you kidding me?!”

Pinkie Pie looked at her in confusion. “What?”

Applejack too put her hoof gently on Pinkie Pie. “Those cupcakes made you do weird stuff, Pinkie.”

Rainbow Dash chimed in next, “Yeah! We’re having to rebuild Ponyville again!”

Pinkie looked at Applejack, then to Rainbow Dash, and then over to Twilight.“What are you guys talking a-”

“I never seen a pony fly around town like a magpie on a june bug,” Applejack quipped.

“Fly?! I was flying?! Did I sprout wings?!” Pinkie Pie wiggled her hooves in excitement.

“Err, umm, no… not wings, Pinkie. Those cupcakes you ate gave you an entirely different propellant.” Twilight stepped in to explain. “You bounced around Ponyville for hours until I froze you.”

Twilight held up Pinkie’s cookbook. “The cupcake recipe was in this spellbook. It’s pretty unique, I’ve never seen a recipe work as a spell! It’s definitely worth investigating but under proper precautions and-” Twilight paused as Rarity elbowed her. “You would think by now that I would have learned not to judge a book by its cover! I thought it was a simple cookbook! Who would have guessed it was an evil spellbook? Certainly not me! I’ll be writing to Princess Celestia about this for sure,” she quietly added as she twitched and furrowed her brow. She continued with a cough. “Well, so, each recipe was designed to cause harm to a normal pony by amping a pony’s natural magical abilities to go into a feedback loop until they reach critical mass. It seems you burned off all the excess energy somehow.”

“What are you talking about?” the group asked in unison.

“Pinkie, those cupcakes should have killed you! What did you do to the recipe?”

Pinkie blinked, thinking back to her favorite secret ingredient. “OH! I added sprinkles. Sprinkles make everything better! Can we make more soon?”

The other mares groaned. “Pinkie Pie…”